A/N: So, if you were already a fan of this story, then you know what a total beeyotch I've been, what with the not updating for months on end. In my defense, I was trying to pass my last college class ever, and working full time. But really, I'm just lame and had a huge case of writer's block. And then New Moon came out, and I was put in a trance by Jacob's and the Wolf Pack's collective abs and couldn't function for a couple weeks. Despite my only other fic being B/E and this being A/J, I am actually Team Jacob, so I wasn't really feeling the vampire love for a while. But, thanks to beautifulmoreso's encouragement (and my preview of HER new chapter for PYWD) I was inspired again. So now that I've finished banging out this incredibly long note, I just want to say: to anyone who had been waiting for this update, I love you all and I'm super sorry. And if you just started reading this cause it was at the top of the update list, thanks for joining us on the crazy train!
Disclaimer: Ummm, I own Liam, but everyone else belongs to SM. Lucky bitch.
(JPOV)
It's been two weeks and Maria still hasn't made a move. Alice's visions remain frustratingly absent. Peter, Charlotte and I have temporarily moved in with the Cullen's, because their house is easier to defend. I have not lived with this many people since I left Maria, and the constant state of emotional overload is starting to get to me. Alice and I still attend school which means I have 24 hours of uninterrupted emotional upheaval. Fear, suspicion, stress, anger…they bombard me every moment I am home. The emotional assault offered by my classmates is slightly better, as it covers the whole range of emotions, good and bad. But the lust is what bothers me most, whether it's silly, teenage desire at school, or the deep, intense passion shared by Emmett and Rose or Edward and Bella.
Right now, in fact, Bella is eyeing Edward, and the feelings she is projecting are making my skin crawl.
"I need to go for a walk," I muttered, standing abruptly and startling everyone in the room. The tension required to deal with all these emotions is starting to leak out of me, making all of them stiff and jumpy.
"Jasper, it isn't safe," Charlotte protested, "We don't know when Maria will attack." Her words hung in the air as everyone avoided looking at Alice. She had been especially touchy about her inability to predict even the smallest things. None of us blame her, of course, but it is hard not to be disappointed.
"I can handle her, or have you forgotten?" I asked, lifting an eyebrow, daring her to remember what she tried so hard to forget.
"Please don't be gone long," Peter requested simply, knowing that my mind was made up and nothing he or anyone else said or did would change it.
"Can I come with?" Alice asked suddenly, "Just for a little bit, and then I'll leave you alone." She had already hopped up from her seat at the foot of the stairs. Carlisle opened his mouth to protest, but snapped it shut when Edward looked at him meaningfully.
Shrugging, I turned and exited the house, walking swiftly into the forest, knowing Alice could catch up.
"Why do we always end up walking into the woods together?" she smiled up at me, trying to lighten my mood.
I ignored her, walking even faster until I knew we were out of Edward's range.
"What do you want Alice?" I asked finally, breaking into the silence that surrounded us.
"I want you to tell me about Maria," she spoke softly but the words seemed to echo through the trees.
"I already told you about her," I strained to keep my voice even, nonchalant.
"No, you told us enough to satisfy us. That she turned you, that she creates newborn armies, that she is bad news, but I don't have to read your mind or your emotions to know that there is more to it than that," she said mildly.
"Edward let it go, why can't you?" I muttered, raking my hand through my hair.
"Have you met me?" she smirked. I tried to return her smile, but the feeling of dread that accompanied anything regarding my past made it difficult. I hate telling people the truth about me. I hate the disappointment in their eyes. I hate the shame and guilt that seep out of that locked place inside my head.
"Jasper, I won't judge you," she whispered, laying a hand on my shoulder.
"You will, but I guess you deserve to know," it came out bitter, unhappy, but she remained silent, only shaking her head at me.
"I was in the civil war. I liked it. Not the actual bloodshed, but the strategy, the adrenaline, the leadership. I was a major, despite that fact that I had initially lied about my age to join up. I couldn't always control emotion the way I can now, but I could make people feel a certain way with my words. It's not boasting to say I was excellent at what I did. I could calm my company, incite them, inspire them. I thought I was untouchable. I was wrong. Maria danced into my life in the middle of the night. She was exotic and gorgeous, an innocent fey creature among death and bloodshed. I wanted to save her," I laughed bitterly at this. Even after all these years, I still can't believe my stupidity.
"I know in my head that running from her would have been pointless, but I still get angry when I think about how easily she got to me." I paused, taking an unnecessary breath to calm myself.
"Maybe you should skip to after the change?" Alice murmured eyes soft with concern.
"Maria has a unique ability, she can speak telepathically to any vampire she's made. The entire time I was changing she was whispering sweetness and battle plans in my head. By the time I awoke a vampire, I already knew her plans to create an army and take the south as her territory." Alice's eyes widened as I revealed the biggest secret I held, a secret even Charlotte had never been privy to.
"It suited me to help her. I had nothing to go back to, no reason not to. I helped Maria create and train hundreds of newborns, disposing of them once their initial strength had worn off. It's how I got all these scars. From training them, and sometimes from killing them. It wasn't until Peter that I even gave a thought to all the lives I'd been destroying. He was…defiant," I paused again, smiling slightly this time.
"Why didn't you just kill him?" Alice wondered out loud.
"Because it send a much better message of strength when you break your opposition, instead of just eliminating them. I made Peter feel like he wanted to follow me, like he loved me above anything else. And it worked; he was my second in command, until Charlotte. I can manipulate emotion, but I can't destroy it. He loved her, and when it was time to kill her he refused. I know for a fact that what Peter and Charlotte have is true love, because he never would have been able to resist my attempts to make him stay for anything less." I chanced a glance at Alice, she was sighing dreamily.
"Romantic, I know," I drawled dryly. "Anyway, despite my manipulation, Peter and I had become friends. I was…adrift, without him. I think Maria felt me slipping away, but she can't read minds, only speak to them. It's not that I no longer desired human blood, but I no longer craved the thrill. Leading an army gets old, unnecessary bloodshed tiring. I was looking for an excuse to leave her, and when Peter came back for me, it didn't take much for him to convince me to go with him. I walked away and never looked back. But my time with her, it haunts me. The things I did, the people I hurt. And I will never be able to forget, because I carry the memories on my skin as well as my heart. My scars are proof that I am a monster, unworthy of happiness, with anyone."
Alice leapt up, hands placed defiantly on her hips, "No! Your scars are a symbol of hope...that you could live through all of that and still be the man you are today..." she advanced on me, placing a hand on my neck. She rubbed one of the scars there, gazing into my eyes. "It shows me that I can and will get through this…problem I'm having. That we will all get through this visit from Maria, and be better for it."
"Ever the optimist," I grimaced at her ruefully, "I swear, sometimes I actually want to believe you when you say things like that."
"Jasper," she protested as I gently grasped her wrist and removed her hand.
"I would like to be alone now, if you don't mind," I murmured politely.
"Sure," she clasped her hands in front of her and stared at the ground for a moment, "I still can't see anything. Do you mind walking me back to where Edward could hear me?"
As we walked in silence I could feel her swirling emotions, but instead of being annoying they were oddly comforting. She knew all my dirty secrets and she still felt the same. She tasted like rage and despair and hope and love and confusion and desire. Sweet and bitter and salty and rich. It wasn't all good, but it certainly wasn't all bad.
After I left Alice where she would be safe, I wandered deeper into the forest. It was so blessedly silent. The absence of others' emotions after such total immersion was almost painful, but in a good way.
When I finally came to a stop I was in a large clearing. This must be that meadow Bella loves soooo much I had to hear about it six hundred times, I thought to myself. I lay down on my back, closing my eyes on the dying sunlight. I could feel…everything…the grass growing, animals breathing, the rush of a bird's wings high in the air. God, Jasper, could you be any more ridiculous? I scolded myself halfheartedly.
Fancy meeting you here, her voice slithered into my brain, destroying my tenuous peace.
"What do you want?" I asked her, resigned.
Why, you, of course. I miss my number one soldier, she refused to speak out loud and I refused to answer her in my head.
"You can't have that. Anything else I can get you? A burger? Some fries?" I sat up, turning in the direction of her anger.
"Ah, Jasper, you always were so clever," Maria stepped out of the trees and smiled at me like a proud mother. A short, dark haired vampire hovered behind her. He looked miserable and underfed, and yet somehow familiar.
"Is this how you treat your army now, Maria?" I sneered, "Things have gone downhill since I left."
"Liam has been a bad boy," Maria clucked her tongue and spared a sorrowful glance at him, "But he's still useful, so I keep him around."
I felt a pang of pity for the poor fool. To my knowledge, Peter, Charlotte and I were the only vampires to survive defying her, and it was clear that as soon as he had served his purpose she would get rid of him.
"Is there a purpose to this visit?" I asked, studying her emotions. She was…pleased, but concerned. "Not sure of your plan, Maria?" I taunted her.
"Now, now, you know it's not nice to intrude on peoples' feelings like that," Maria's voice was light and teasing, but her eyes darkened with real anger.
"Cut to the chase," I demanded.
I wasn't lying, I want you back, she resorted to mental conversation, but if I can't have you, I'll take Alice. Her gifts would be immensely useful.
You cannot have her! My response was so immediate I forgot to speak out loud.
We will see, she smirked at me. "Liam, do your thing," she said out loud, waving her hand in front of his dazed face before disappearing into the tree line.
I looked down at my hands, which had balled into fists. Lord how I want to strangle that bitch.
Despite the fact that I had wandered for over an hour, I made it back to the Cullen house in less than 15 minutes. I burst in the door and skidded to a halt in the living room. Every eye was on me.
"I saw Maria," I announced, trying to sound nonchalant.
"What did she want?" Peter and Carlisle asked in unison.
"Jasper…or Alice," Edward answered for me.
"Did she have an army with her?" Charlotte looked up at me, fear in every pore of her being.
"No," I wanted to soothe her, but at the same time I did not want to deliver false hope to the group, "She could have one in the area, but when I saw her today she was alone."