Thanks Witch Shade for the review! I honestly thought no one was going to review, but I'm glad you did, and I'm really glad that you feel like Hotaru deserves someone. I think there are just so many options that haven't been explored yet!
- - -
From under the gazebo's precipice, Hotaru held out a pale hand to cup the rain and shivered when drop after drop slid through her fingers no matter how tightly she brought them together. Eyes closed, she could hear a few song birds in the distance and the subtle beatings of a butterfly's – perhaps a moth's? – wings. A soft wind, the rustling of grass, puddles overflowing the stone steps – such fragile beauty, such simple happiness could be found in something more than a crystal palace, a golden diadem, a throne too big and too heavy for her.
Sighing quietly, she opened her fingers and watched the rain stream from her hand and splash onto the blooming peonies at the side of the marbled gazebo. A stronger wind scuffled her hair and she could feel several strands brush against her forehead, the sign of Saturn glowing purple-evident of who she was.
She wiped her hand against the purple silk of her gown, a wet hand print to show that she was alive, that she existed, that she was here and now in this moment of rain, wind and breath – and nothing else mattered. But just as soon as she felt like she was a part of something bigger than the material of her body, of the physical world that was so blind, Hotaru was once again pulled back to the life that was hers.
"Do you not feel cold, your majesty?"
Hotaru Tomoe, Queen of Saturn, Matriarch of Titan Castle and the Sailor Senshi of Death, Destruction and Rebirth, was tempted to just jump over the railings of the gazebo and into the pond beneath – a short escape from duty. But who was she to avoid duty? Certainly not her princess.
She chuckled at the thought and, composed, turned to meet the Priest of Illusion with an honest smile. Helios, Guardian of the Golden Crystal and Elysion, was a good and loyal friend. Out of the neo generation, he was just as level-headed as Hotaru, perhaps even more so for he did not get dragged into Chibiusa's schemes as often as her.
It was strange, Hotaru often thought, how they had known each other far longer than what was supposed. All the way back to the Silver Millennium, before the invasion of Queen Beryl, before all that fuss made with her dropping the glaive and the struggle for rebirth. Before all that. And even now, she remembered she had thought him handsome.
He was tall and lithe; as agile and stunning as his other form, the mystical Pegasus. His white hair, in curled wisps, reminded her of the wind, and his eyes, his liquid-amber eyes, was like the heart of the planet Earth, warm, impenetrable, ever-solid. Although she had admired him so very, very long ago, she knew, even during the Silver Millennium, that he was not hers to have. He was destined for another, the Princess-Maiden yet to be born.
"I suppose it is cold out here," Hotaru answered, holding her hair from her face when a burst of wind passed by. "Are they all inside?"
Helios smiled and nodded. "We did not expect the weather to turn out quite like this."
He meant the rain and the cold and the no-sun. What had been a garden party to welcome the Spring had quickly turned into a party inside welcoming the rain. Nevertheless, Hotaru loved all that was and would have liked to stay outside for a little longer, but knew that the others would think they had done something wrong if she didn't join them soon.
But there was no helping it. Hotaru could not avoid the others anymore. Once again she must enfold herself in their company where they seemed, were, burden-less with the one they held dear to their hearts. It was easier for them to wear that crown, to hold that sceptre, to answer the call of their one and only Queen when they had a hand to hold, a shoulder to cry on, a smile to share.
"It's all right," Hotaru commented about the weather. "But no doubt everyone's anxious to see me."
Again, Helios nodded and did not say more. They all thought she was not quite herself for the past few months. They all thought her mood had something to do with her mama and papa, but in reality, she had been feeling quite morose for quite a while. Even before that winter day in the café.
"Shall we then?" she humoured the priest.
Helios offered a hand and she politely took it. As beset by her station, she gracefully descended from the gazebo and into the warm hallways of the Crystal Palace, away from all that wind and rain and breath. It did not take them long for her to hear the tinkling laughter of divine maidens accompanied the touching baritone of their significant others – the suitors that had came out victorious above the others.
Hotaru entered the lovely room and smiled at the welcoming atmosphere. Someone had thrown open the French windows to let in the wind; the translucent white curtains billowing like princess dresses. The chandelier was bright enough to reflect the glistening sugars in the pastries, the comfort in the finger-sandwiches and the gold in the chocolate truffles. Scattered throughout the white, marbled room on white cushions and white sofas were the Queens of the Solar System.
There were the inner senshis, soft orange, green, red and blue in the arms and laps of Generals Kunzite, Nephrite, Jadeite and Zoisite. Under the merged blessings of the Silver and Golden Crystals, everyone was entitled to have a happy ending.
A little off to the side and there were the outer senshi, dark blue, teal and maroon. Navy and teal were, of course, mixed, but the maroon carried a new white hue that had recently been revealed to the palettes. And, as Hotaru had guessed, Setsuna-mama withdrew her hand from papa's grasp when Hotaru entered the room, and no matter how many times Hotaru told them that she was all right with their relationship, no one seemed to believe it. It was kind of them to be considerate of her, but Hotaru was a big girl now, more so if one included her past lives.
Withholding a sigh, she caught the benevolent eye of her queen, a silver so bright that, coupled with the gold of her king, seemed to envelope the room twice over. At their constant side, of course, were their humanoid felines, a white and black that foretold of the grey a long time ago.
Elegantly curtseying to her queen and king, Hotaru spotted her princess nestled by a window alongside the man who had been staying in the Crystal Palace for the past few months.
Peruru, Hotaru was glad to know, had not been offended when it was revealed that she was the Queen of Saturn. In fact, the both of them were quite pleased to find a new friend in each other. With his easy smile and eager attitude to please, Peruru quickly reminded everyone why they had liked him in the first place. Although Hotaru had been absent during the travesty of Queen Badiyanu, she understood that it had been one of those battles that cemented Peruru as an honorary member of their family, a role Helios had been quick to note.
Peruru's intentions had been noted even quicker.
"He loves her, doesn't he?" Helios asked her so quietly that Hotaru thought he had not spoken at all.
At her subtle nod, Helios stepped back with a bow to signal his self-dismissal. He could not know, no one could know, how her very acknowledgment of the reality seemed to harm her, seemed to harm them both. Lowering her eyes, Hotaru could tell that Helios would have liked to leave if not for Chibiusa waving them over.
And like the domino effect, Peruru followed Chibiusa's gaze and smiled upon seeing Hotaru, a greeting she returned readily. But the moment his eyes landed on Helios, his expression turned stiff and uneasy. How perfect it all seemed to Hotaru how her princess could be caught up in a love triangle with two men who were equally beautiful and magical.
"Courage," Hotaru whispered the priest, who appeared grateful at the advice.
At least they would not be alone in braving the two by the window.
"Here you are, Hotaru!" Chibiusa exclaimed, beaming at her and Helios. "I thought you'd never come in."
Hotaru settled onto a white pillow like a wisp and graced her princess (and best friend) with a gentle smile. "Lately things have been hectic and I thought to listen to the rain for a moment."
The moon princess frowned and the way her head seemed to tilt toward Setsuna-mama and papa was not lost on Hotaru. "Maybe you need a vacation?"
Hotaru sighed. "Yes, maybe. Parliament has been especially trying at the moment. My finance minister wants to implement a new tax."
At the talk of politics, Chibiusa stuck her tongue out and blew a raspberry, a characteristic their small group shared a laugh at. The princess, ever her mother's daughter, had other ideas to spend her time with. (Sometimes that meant sneaking into the kitchen for extra dessert.) Fortunately, Helios understood Hotaru's plight. He even met her eyes, a wordless exchange of compassion. He would gladly listen and give advice if she should need it.
"Where are the Asteroid senshi?" Hotaru asked curiously.
Despite herself, Hotaru knew that Cere Cere, Ves Ves, Jun Jun and Palla Palla were the friends to Chibiusa in ways Hotaru could no longer be. Compared to the four Asteroids, Saturn was much older and bore the weight of the years much too firmly to, perhaps, set it down… even if for a moment. Even Chibiusa, who had time traveled and seen so many things, had not experienced the slow passage of time Hotaru had faced over the many years. Chibiusa did not know, could never know, how it felt for Hotaru to be alone without her, waiting for her to be born. And once the young princess had finally been given birth to, Hotaru was no longer the same girl from when they had first met.
"We're here!" Palla Palla cheered, somersaulting into the group.
The young senshi almost barrelled into poor Helios if not for Ves Ves acting fast and grabbing the girl by the collar to stop her momentum. Yes, Hotaru thought, the young quartet, laughing and bright and young, were the guardians Hotaru could never be to Chibiusa. Firstly, they lived in the Crystal Palace. Secondly, they were closer to Chibiusa's age.
An outer senshi: the other. She was meant to be, always would be, on the outside.
"We brought some other snacks," Cere Cere explained as Jun Jun set down several plates covered in pastries, cookies and coloured bonbons.
"Thank you," Hotaru said, and helped Jun Jun with the plates.
"Candy?" Chibiusa offered to Peruru, who blushed and looked ready to self-combust at the attention.
"Here," Hotaru suggested when she handed him a nectarine tart. She remembered him taking preference to the apricot tart back in the café.
He smiled at her appreciatively and took the tart. They both knew that at least with the tart, he didn't have to bring himself to talk with his mouth full. The Asteroids must have known too for they shared looks and snickers. Helios was eager for retreat, but dared not to when in front of his beloved's presence.
As for Hotaru… she decided to relax and enjoy their company. It had been a while since they'd gotten together, and although the neo senshi did not mingle much with the older senshi, Hotaru felt happier knowing that both generations were in the room. It was Saturn, after all, who laid at the edge of both the inner and outer planets – it was Hotaru, after all, who was both a new and old senshi.
She nibbled on a peanut butter cookie and listened contently as the Asteroids shared gossip with Chibiusa. A couple of times Hotaru had glanced at Peruru to see if he was comfortable living in the Crystal Palace, and was sympathetic that, even after these past few months, he couldn't keep up with Chibiusa, Cere Cere, Ves Ves, Jun Jun and Palla Palla's arguments and debates. They talked really fast with a lot of chattering. It had taken Helios a lot of years and patience to keep up with their conversations, and Hotaru was lucky that she was a girl. Girls were better at inconsistent blatherings than men.
Taking small sips of passion fruit tea, Hotaru looked out to the window, slowly letting all the girlish chatter fade away to admire the soft murmurs of the rain outside. The weather was starting to let up, and she had the implicit desire to take a stroll soon after. She could just imagine the smell of wet earth and the simpleness of cleansed air-
Peruru stood abruptly and Hotaru startled from her reverie to see what had happened. He was upset, flustered and a tad… envious? A glance at Chibiusa and Hotaru understood why Peruru was bothered. Chibiusa had placed her hand on Helios' and there was no doubt in Hotaru's mind that they had been sharing a deep look a moment before. Hotaru had always known that Helios could never be hers, a fact she accepted since the very beginning of the Silver Millenium… but Peruru was new. He had come to visit Chibiusa thinking that she had no other.
"Peruru?" Chibiusa enquired cautiously, her ruby eyes swimming with concern.
"I-I," the dream fairy stammered, eyes not daring to meet the princess'. "I think I need some air. Excuse me."
And just as abruptly, Peruru stepped over the French windows and into the gardens outside. At first, Chibiusa made to follow, but Helios' solid hold over her hand prevented her from being anywhere but with him. A frown at the Asteroids and Chibiusa's anxiety over Peruru's departure flashed through the four senshi in quick succession, but they did not know Peruru well enough to pursue him.
Chibiusa's last desperate look at Hotaru and the Saturnian queen was quick to answer. A part of her stood out of duty and another part for the concern over Chibiusa's emotional well-being, but Hotaru would not lie to herself and say that she was not anxious over Peruru herself. Thus, equipped with a red umbrella from Ves Ves, Hotaru stepped into the drizzling rain and into the vast gardens of the Crystal Palace.
Her delicate slippers were soaked in an instant, but she was grateful that the rain was not cold, but lukewarm. She lifted her skirts, equally soaked as the silk whispered across the grass, and trekked forward into the rose and lilac bushes. She had lost sight of Peruru a while ago, but Hotaru consoled herself with the fact that she was now getting the stroll she had desired earlier. She just hoped she would not catch a cold from this excursion or Haruka-papa was going to throw a fit!
She laughed and wished, for a moment, to return to those days when it had only been the four of them: her, Setsuna-mama, Michiru-mama and Haruka-papa. Out of all her lives, the childhood after the Pharaoh 90 fiasco had been her favourite. In those few short months, although she had aged at a rapid pace, Hotaru had been filled with soft touches, warm embraces and happy laughter. There had been no conflict with foreign enemies, no heart-wrenching duty, no end-of-the-world catastrophes; the only trouble had only been the recklessness of Haruka-papa. Such simplicity was hard to come by, Hotaru was sad to know, and that was why she treasured those memories the most.
Hotaru stopped when she spotted Peruru on the bridge deep within the gardens. He eyes were cast downwards and she knew he wasn't looking at the stream below for the koi fish had not been let out yet. He was wet from head to toe; his clothes clung to his body like a second skin. But instead of admiring his build, Hotaru was more concerned with how… sad he appeared. He was not smiling like his usual self.
Straightening her shoulders, she made her way purposely over to him and placed the umbrella over both their heads. At first he didn't notice her, or anything for that matter, but soon he blinked and raised his eyes from the stream to meet hers. His expression nearly crushed Hotaru, but all she let herself feel was her breath being taken away.
"He loves her," he said.
A small twist to her heart and she took a moment to gather her nerves before nodding. Hotaru had not wanted to be the one to destroy all his hopes and dreams, and the innocent love he had held dear all these long years, but Hotaru was not a liar. She would rather have him face the truth than for her to string him along to a bigger disappointment.
"A-And," he stammered, his face contorting, "sh-she l-loves him?"
He sobbed even before Hotaru could confirm his suspicions for they both knew it to be the truth. The way Chibiusa was with Helios, the way she gazed at him, spoke to him, touched him – all were very obvious in that the princess and the priest were meant for each other.
Peruru's eyes teared and his lips clamped together. Hotaru wanted so badly to reach out to him, but he curled upon himself, shying away from everything. And despite how tragic it was for him, Hotaru couldn't help but think it a sublime end to his love. It had been beautiful, hopeful, full of life, only to end because he was too late.
But he would find another, Hotaru knew, for he was a kind and handsome man, more compassionate than any she had ever known.
"It's all right," she whispered, placing a comforting hand at his back.
He convulsed and cried harder, sinking onto the ground with Hotaru following after. Even if he shied away from her, she knew that he wanted someone to be near. So for a long, long time they were a tableau, he crying and she trying to comfort. The rain sprinkled in waves over their bodies, mixing in with his tears until finally – finally – he could cry no more.
"It's going to be-"
She couldn't finish when he tilted his head back and caught her lips with his – petal-like, soft and eager for something material to anchor his existence to, to prove that he was alive, that he was here and now in the moment of rain, wind and breath… of skin and feeling and being. And for Hotaru, she had never been so caught off guard in her life, in all her lives, for she had never been kissed before.
Understanding that he did not do it out of sincere feeling, but rather of hurt and spite and of a broken heart, Hotaru let him kiss her until he was spent, until he finally drew back and guilt stung all over his body.
"I-I'm sorry!" he gasped, terrified and ashamed.
A gentle smile and she offered him a hand. "It's all right. Come, the others are concerned for you."
Peruru was shocked, and did not know what to do but to numbly take her hand and let her help him up from the ground. He was speechless and much too aware of his transgression that he could do nothing more than to comply with her wishes. Together, they made their way back into the palace and trailed rain-water into the room and onto the delicate white pillows they had left behind.
"Hotaru!" Michiru-mama cried out, hurrying over with a blanket.
Hotaru savoured the feeling when Michiru-mama's hand grazed her bare shoulders when placing the blanket over her. It had been a long time since she had felt a mother's touch. Duty and protocol had kept them from each other much too strictly for their small family.
"Peruru!" Chibiusa exclaimed worriedly. "Are you all right?"
He could not even look the princess in the eye when he replied, "Yes. I'm sorry for worrying you."
Hotaru did not look at him when papa drew her into his warm embrace, not caring if she was now a woman and no longer the baby he had raised. But Hotaru relished the feeling of being in his arms, relished the feeling of being a daughter, of being a normal girl in the safety of her father. She wanted this simple happiness, this simple feeling of family, to last forever.
As soon as papa drew back, Setsuna-mama came diving in with another towel to tousle Hotaru's hair dry. And despite herself, Hotaru giggled at the fuss made over her when Haruka-papa started to drag her to her room to change into something warm.
She looked back once, and only once, to see that the inner senshi were already swarming over Peruru. Assured of his health, Hotaru turned back to her mamas and papas and resolved to put Peruru behind her as a harmless crush. He was kind and caring, but his intentions for her were nothing but friendly. That kiss meant nothing.
And as she buttoned up the dry purple cardigan under the watchful eye of Michiru-mama, Hotaru knew that she had hoped, knew that under that umbrella in the soft sighs of the rain, that it had been something more.
- - -
the point