I Love You
Edit: Apparently it's against the rules to have song lyrics. When I read that, I freaked out. Then I went back through my old fics to see if I've ever written a song fic. Well, I had- this one. I thought about deleting it. But I can't bear to delete something unless it has no reviews at all. Even though this is really old, I figured I'd keep it around to (cough) keep up my story count.
So yeah- deleted the lyrics, kept the fic the same. (The lyrics weren't necessary anyway)
Oh lord the oocness! The unbearable oocness! I can't handle it! I try to keep a distance between myself and my old fics...
(Crosses fingers) please don't make edits show up at the top of the page. I don't want people reading this...there's only one tiny line I don't hate in this. But if I deleted it- well, I already deleted two chapter fics I attempted years ago and I don't want to wipe out all of my writing from ages ago. For the sake of feeling like I've improved.
Disclaimer: I don't and never will own the characters from ranger's Apprentice.
Inspired by the song I love you by Sarah McLachlan.
Despite being a master at concealing her emotions, Pauline couldn't help the smile that appeared on her wasn't that she was happy, because she wasn't, it was just the sight of the man she loved. Though at the same time, the sight of him filled her heart with pain. He'd made a bad choice.
Halt saw her and slipped from his saddle. He led Abelard down the empty road to meet her. He was oblivious to what she was feeling, though he knew his decision must have caused her some pain.
"Hello Pauline," He said quietly, hoping she wasn't going to try to make him stay.
Pauline was frozen, the smile slipping. She forced another one and inclined her head at the ranger's greeting. The movement hid the tears that had sprung to her eyes, giving her time to blink them back. An owl hooted. Halt raised his head to stare up at the sky. A million tiny lights shone down at him.
"A beautiful night," He commented.
Pauline didn't follow his gaze. She just stared, trying to see through the layer of acceptance the ranger had thrown over himself. Why had he done it? Deep down she knew the answer, but she chose to ignore it. She stepped forward and slipped the hood off his face. Halt stiffened, then relaxed, letting her caress his cheek. She stared into his dark eyes, desperately searching for an answer that might give her a chance to change his mind.
When Halt dropped his gaze, she knew there was no other answer.
"I had to, Pauline," He murmered. She caught his face between her hands and forced him to meet
her gaze.
"Don't say that!" She said, "Please don't say that!"
He didn't know she needed to know he was safe. He didn't know how much it tore at her heart to hear that he had been banished. And she heard it a lot, it was the talk of the castle. In this night, all alone with this man, it was hard to believe he couldn't see her feelings on her face. But he didn't know, because she couldn't bring herself to tell him. There was no one else here but Halt and Pauline. A trickle of warm water touched her palm. She gasped and felt her own eyes welling up with tears. Halt was staring at her, glistening drops of water rolling down his cheeks to rest on her hands.
Pauline felt her own tears falling and she pulled a hand away to wipe them off. She didn't want to cry, she wanted to help the ranger. She couldn't be selfish. Halt pulled back and darted a hand across his eyes.
"Sorry," He muttered, lifting his hood back over his head. Pauline couldn't understand why he was apologising. She liked his tears, in a twisted way. She liked that he seemed more human and much more emotional.
"You don't have to do this," Pauline whispered, "If you plead with the king... we'll all back you up,"
Halt was already shaking his head, "None of you understand. I have to do this, regardles of the consequances. There's no real reason for it, I just need to,"
Tears ran down her face. Halt gently brushed them away, "Don't cry anymore," He murmered. How could she not cry when it felt like he'd already gone? There was nothing she could do to stop him leaving.
She wasn't going to be selfish though.
"I know," She said, "I know you have to do it," A rare smile crossed the ranger's face.
"I think we all know and understand because we know you and how you think. We just don't want to face up to the fact that the well known legend won't be here any longer," Her voice trembled but she didn't care. If she couldn't tell him the one thing she really wanted to, she would have to make do with something else.
"Know this, Halt. Even though we say farewell with heavy hearts, even though you are banished, we are all on your side. We always have been. So on behalf of everyone in redmont... goodbye and good luck," She wouldn't be selfish. She had to speak for Halt not herself.
"Thank you," Halt said quietly, his arms pulling her closer, "That meant a lot," Pauline returned the embrace, her head dropping to his shoulder. She breathed in his scent, knowing it would be a long time til she could do it again. Even if she couldn't say it, the simple words she had spoken seemed to be the ones Halt needed.
She wanted this moment to last forever. Even though she hadn't said it, the moment felt so right. So perfectly bitter sweet. She could feel Halt's heart thumping in his chest and wondered if it would still be beating in a years time. Tears spilled out of her eyes again. She was so sick of crying but knew she could get over this better if she expressed her emotions.
If he died, he would never know. She wanted to say it, but she couldn't. It wouldn't leave her mind but she could live with that. Because Halt didn't want that, not yet at least. If he ever did, she would wait, but for now he had higher priorities than her. So she wouldn't be selfish and she wouldn't say it.
Halt released her and swung astride his horse.
"I'll see you in a year," He said, "And so will Will,"
Pauline smiled through her tears, "yes," She agreed. The ranger turned his horse.
It was too soon. He couldn't go like that. Her resolve crumbled and she ran to him.
"Don't go!" She called, "Not yet!" Halt looked down at her from the saddle. She wasn't going to be selfish. Still... she pulled his head down and brushed her lips against hers. The ranger pulled back. Dammit, she wasn't going to be selfish!
"That didn't mean anything," She said, "I just had to try it. I'm sorry, you can go now,"
Halt leaned down and kissed the top of her head, "Wait for me. Once Will graduates... maybe,"
Pauline blinked back more tears, "What's that supposed to mean,"
"Just that I love you, even if that didn't mean anything and I have to go," He said, turning away.
Her breath caught in her throat. Was this the part where she was meant to say she loved him too? But she couldn't, she had told herself not to say that for such a long time. Besides, Halt needed to concentrate on his mission.
"Nothing happened, forget me and find Will," She said softly.
"Nothing happened," Halt agreed, "Not yet,"
He rode away into the night, leaving Pauline utterly confused and hopeful. Trying to make sense out of rangers... impossible. She shivered, suddenly feeling cold all over. Cold and alone. If Halt was putting her aside for the moment, she would do the same. Duty came first, always. Still, it was hard to put that conversation aside. Dealing with Halt was always a matter of instinct not brains. If she had been thinking she never would have said half of what she did.
Pauline walked to her her rooms, her face a mask all the way. Once she got there, she lit a fire and took a bath. She curled up on her bed, memories spiralling through her mind.
Not once had she come so close to telling him how much she loved him and now it would be a year before she could even see him again. If he survived. Also, she had a feeling he didn't want a relationship until Will was well on the road to being a fully qualified ranger. That was alright, she had to respect his views. Eventually, she drifted off to sleep.
In her dream, Halt had her in his arms, kissing her, while all their friends stood around cheering. Halt pulled away to breath and she saw Will grinning behind him. Cassandra was being embraced by her father and Alyss rushed out to meet Will. Her dream self pointed them out to Halt and the two of them watched their pupils kiss.
Pauline laughed and told the ranger she had suspected Alyss might feel something more than friendship for the apprentice ranger. Halt smiled his rare, wonderful smile and kissed her again.
His mouth felt oddly cold on hers and she pulled back to see blood running down his head. He fell to the ground and an invisible force pushed her back as their friends gathered around the fallen ranger. No one saw her struggling against the ground as something prevented her from rising.
"He's dead," The king said. Pauline screamed.
The scream woke her up. She sat up, her body covered in sweat. She took several deep calming breaths. Her whole body shook and trembled.
"He's okay, Halts okay," She closed her eyes, "I didn't have to say I loved him,"
She lay back, not having the energy to stop the tears.
"He probably knew anyway, he's Halt, after all,"
She lay awake until the morning light streamed in through the curtains. She wasn't going to be selfish. There were others suffering as well. Alyss for example. Pauline dressed and went to find her student. Servents bustled around, the whole castle having a much more normal atmosphere. She found that the smiles being shared and the normality of it all was enough to lift her spirits.
The most important thing to remember, Pauline thought, was that she wasn't alone.