Stevie was nervous about seeing Rose. She hadn't seen her face to face for almost two years now, the closest she'd come was hearing her voice on the other end of the phone. In less than an hour she'd see her face. It never occurred to her that Rose might not be home. Stevie was bringing her a saddle, the last one she would get from her for 15 years. Who knew if she'd still be into horses by then, if she were anything like her mother, she'd never grow out of it.
This goodbye was going to be hard. Surprisingly, the hour flew by.
As Stevie pulled the Ute into the driveway of her sister's home, butterflies and knots ran wild in the pit of her stomach. She was not nearly as prepared for this, as she wanted to be, not for this goodbye.
When Rose had fled Drover's after finding out the truth – that Stevie was her mom – Stevie had eaten chocolate for the next week. Any chocolate substance she could get her hands on, and because of her friendship with Alex, she had somehow pulled through that devastating week. Who was going to pull her through this one if Rose rejected her a second time? Did she have the strength to go through that all over again? She didn't know. She'd just take it as it came and hope for the best.
She climbed out of the Ute and walked up to the front door. She knocked, stood back and waited for an answer. In less than a minute the door opened and Michelle stood in the doorway watching her with surprise. "Stevie!" In all fairness, Stevie hadn't called in advance to say that she was coming. She was afraid that if she did, Rose might have stubbornly ran off and this was NOT the time to play games. Stevie couldn't lose her chance at seeing her daughter one last time.
As Stevie looked passed Michelle and into the hallway, she saw Rose standing there in shock. She looked close to tears. Stevie wanted to take Rose in her arms and comfort her, but she knew better – Rose would come in time, when she was ready, she could never be pushed, she was a lot like her mother in that way. Stevie's only fear was that her time was very limited she would have to be on the road again in less than half an hour.
"What are you doing here?" Michelle asked holding open the door so that Stevie could come inside. She stepped forward only enough so that Michelle could close the door again.
"I came to see Rose," she got straight to the point. There was no time to be hesitant. "I wanted to talk before I left. I don't know if I'll get another chance," Stevie was holding back the tears. She couldn't cry now, she had to be strong she had keep being strong – for Rose.
Michelle looked back at Rose as the two women watched her step forward, the same way as her mother had. It was a sign that she wasn't going to run the other way she was going to face the issue head on. Warmth filled Stevie's heart. All she wanted to do was make sure that Rose had a happy life, that she was guaranteed safety, love and protection. Not that she was doubted Michelle, she had done a wonderful job so far and hoped that she would continue to step in while Stevie couldn't. As her mother that was all she ever wanted.
"Hi Rose," Stevie forced a smile. This was as hard as she imagined it would be. She didn't expect Rose to run into her arms and greet her with hugs and kisses. But she could always hope.
"Hello," Rose's tone was neither warm nor cold.
"I brought you something," she had to start somewhere. "A new saddle. It was mine when I was your age, I wanted you to have it before I went to…"
"Do you think giving me a saddle will change what you did?" she accused in a low whispered. Stevie shook her head, she knew it wouldn't, that wasn't why she had offered it to her. "You lied to me Stevie! You made me believe that Michelle was my mom…" Rose spoke as through Michelle wasn't even in the room.
"I know. I made a mistake. I could have told you from the beginning, I know that if I had my time again I would have kept you. I'm not saying it because you're angry… I have regretted giving you up since the moment I left you. I love you Rose. I always loved you and that never changed no matter where I was or what I was doing." she wanted Rose to know that.
Rose only nodded in reply.
"I wanted to talk to you about something," she wanted to get the issue straight out in the open so that Rose had at least a few minutes to accept it before Stevie took off. She wanted Rose to hear it from her, instead of splashed over the front-page paper. But how was she supposed to tell her only daughter that she was being accused of murder and most likely end up behind bars before the day was through. Would Rose even care? She wanted to believe that she would.
"Fine," Rose shrugged quickly. "What do you want to tell me?"
Stevie sighed deeply before she spoke. "I'm coming to see you know because I don't know when I'll get another chance. I'm heading to the city for a court case."
"Are you going to be on the dury?" Rose folded her arms across her chest – a sign that she was protecting herself from being hurt.
Stevie shook her head as the tears rolled down her cheek, she couldn't hold them back. Rose would be without a mother. "No. I'm being charged with murder. Alex's father, Harry," as Stevie said Alex's name the memory of him holding her came to mind. Rose's face dropped in horror. "I didn't do it… I swear," the last thing she wanted was for her to believe that she was guilty.
There was a long silence as Rose's eyes filled with tears. This was her mom. Her mom was going to jail for murder. Rose didn't believe it for a second. Not her mom – not her Aunty Stevie. Rose relented and threw her arms around Stevie's neck. She might not get another chance for a while, and she wanted Stevie to know that she cared about her, staying angry at her mom wasn't going to make a difference. Time was precious to them now. Time was all they had – and very short at that.
Stevie pulled her arms tightly around Rose. This was the moment she had longed for, the circumstances were nothing like she imagined, but at least she could hold her daughter knowing that she knew the truth – Stevie was her mother. "I love you Rose," she whispered softly.
"What's going to happen to you?" Rose demanded pulling away to look at Stevie.
Stevie shrugged refusing to let Rose go. She was holding her shoulders gently in her hands. "I have to plead guilty. I could go to jail for 15 years if that's what the jury decides." She no longer wanted to lie to Rose, for any reason, if she wanted honesty then Stevie believed she was old enough to hear it.
Michelle left the hallway, leaving the two of them alone.
Rose started crying openly. Stevie pulled her in for another hug. "I'll be all right if you will," Stevie promised. Rose only sobbed holding her mother as tight as she could. Stevie closed her eyes as she clung to her daughter. The last few moments she had with her. In a couple of minutes she would leave for the city.
"Can't you make a deal with the cops?" Rose asked with a sudden look of panic as if it was beginning to sink in, what all this meant for her. Stevie only shook her head. "Why Stevie? Why can't you just tell them you didn't do it? Please just tell them!"
Stevie felt a stab in her heart. She didn't want to remember Rose looking shattered; she wanted to remember the smile on her face when she rode a horse across the open paddocks at Drover's Run. She wanted to hear her laugh when she closed her eyes and recalled the day Rose taught her "Aunty Stevie" to make vegetable lasagne. The pain and tears in her eyes were something Stevie wanted to forget, among other things.
She pulled Rose at arms length still holding her shoulders in her hands, she forced Rose's eyes on hers. "Rose, I was set up. I didn't do it. But all the evidence points to me. If I don't plead guilty I'll be charged with murder anyway and I'll get life. I'm doing this for you, when I get out we can start again."
"But it won't be the same," she insisted. "I wanted it to be like before. You know, when we were mates."
"We can still be mates," Stevie cried through her tears. "Mother and daughter mates. We'll just have to try a bit harder, okay?" Stevie prepared herself for goodbye. "I love you Rose."
"I love you too mom."
The sound of Rose's voice as she said those words for the first time, brought fresh tears to Stevie's eyes. But they were tears of joy rather than sadness. She had finally acknowledged Stevie as her mother. A smile entered Stevie's face as she brought Rose into her arms for another hug.
A couple of minutes later Stevie was opening the black cover of the Ute. She pulled out the saddle and handed it to Rose. Stevie had already said her goodbyes to Michelle. There wasn't much to say. Rose smiled with gratitude as she took the saddle with trembling hands and sat it beside her feet. She reached over for another hug. "I'm going to miss you."
"Me too," Stevie cried. Time was up. Stevie had to leave now in order to get to her trial on time. Leaving her daughter was harder than she thought it would be, Rose had been so warm and affectionate. It was heartbreaking to think that she had to leave that behind now. The same pain of loss that washed over her when she left Alex happened again, a feeling of emptiness. The pain was unbearable; she felt her heart physically breaking.
"Listen to me Rose," Stevie announced forcing her daughter to look at her. "I love you so much. I will always think of you. I want you to grow up happy, all right? Promise me that you'll listen to Michelle when she tells you to do something it's only because she loves you and she wants what's best. When you ride Rose… when you ride or you see a hill like Drover's will you think of me?"
"Yes," she nodded. "I'll visit you mom."
"Rose I have to go," she said with regret. "I have to be at the trial on time. I'll call you when I can and I'll write to you as much as I'm allowed. I promise. I love you." Finally Stevie let Rose go and got into her Ute. Unlike Alex, Rose didn't force her out again. Stevie clicked in her seatbelt and closed the door.
"Goodbye," Rose whispered through the closed window. Her face was full of tears. Stevie didn't want to leave her but she had no choice, if she didn't go now she'd be late and the judge would not give too hoots what happened to her or what her excuse was.
"Bye Rose," she waved as she pulled the car out of the driveway and onto the road. The tears were stinging her eyes when she reached the outskirts of town she wiped the tears with one hand and kept the other on the wheel. She couldn't afford to stop this time, she was running out of time and if she stopped again she'd be late for sure – she couldn't afford to do that.