Cyborg and Beast Boy stood quietly outside the door to Raven and Beast Boy's bedroom, both Titans talking in hushed voices. Cyborg was operating the video camera, which was focused on Beast Boy, with the green Titan barely able to hold back a case of the giggles.
"Hi I'm Beast Boy and welcome to Dumbass."
Dumbass was a hit TV show on the JumpCityMusic Television network (JCMTV for short) and features the comedic mishaps of Jimmy Memphis and his band of Dumbasses (including Slam Tarkginton, Lil' One and The Dude) as they entertained themselves by engaging in high risk dares, stunts and sometimes just stupid displays of natural selection that often resulted in broken bones, bruised organs and trips to the hospital room.
Naturally, Beast Boy was drawn to this like a moth to flame and made it a point to watch every episode, as well as owning all of their DVDs and merchandise. He was even president and chairman of the Jump City Dumbass Fan Club, a title he took with pride. When the first Dumbass movie hit theaters, Beast Boy camped out for days so he could be first in line to get tickets. And when the second Dumbass movie came out, Dumbas II: Dumassic Park, he went on a hunger strike to get tickets, as he missed the original ticket sales opening due to a fight with Mad Mod.
However the Dumbass fandom was thrown for a loop when The Dude was injured badly while filming the "Bowling Ball Castration" scene for an upcoming episode, and would be out of commission for at least six months. To fill this void, JCMTV announced they would choose a new member for the Dumbass crew from their loyal fan base. Contestants were supposed to send in their tapes, or burned DVDs, of their best Dumbass antics and the winner would be chosen live on TV. Of course, this sent Beast Boy into a frenzy.
He tried several different stunts at first, including "Cheez Whiz Slip and Slide", "Blender Ballet", "Pogostick Polka" and even "Eat Starfire's Cooking" but none of them quite seemed to grasp that magical Dumbass charm he was looking for. So he sat and pondered, thinking and plotting, on what the most Dumbass thing he could be possibly do in the history of Dumbass things. He would need to do something above and beyond the call of duty, something so risky that not even legendary Dumbass Slam Tarkginton would do. (And he invented the Electric Eel Wedgie too!) And then one day, while doing his turn for laundry, it hit him.
Raven's underwear drawer.
Now seeing Raven in her underwear was nothing new to him, as he had seen this many times over the course of their relationship and yet her actual underwear drawer was always off limits. This confused the changeling, though he never brought it up to her. So now with a nervous Cyborg operating the video camera, he was going to boldly go where no Dumbass had ever gone before…to Raven's underwear drawer.
He waited till she fell asleep before morphing into a house fly to leave the room undetected. After waking Cyborg up, the two Titans quietly tip toed back to the bedroom for their entrance into the Dumbass Hall of Fame.
"Man B, I don't think this is such a good idea." Cyborg said. Beast Boy shook his head, trying his best to hold back the laughter that wanted to crack through his lips.
"Naw dude, it's totally cool. Raven had her special herbal tea that puts her to sleep and she never wakes up after drinking that stuff."
"Okay, cause if she wakes up and catches us messin' around her in her undies, we're gonna wish Trigon had won."
Beast Boy punched in the security code as the door slid open, revealing the slumbering empath in her usual sweat pants and tanktop PJs. Moonlight spilled from her windows on to the bed, casting dark and jagged shadows from the mixtures of arcane relics and Gundam scale models that decorated the book shelves.
Quietly the two snuck across the room, with Cyborg never taking his eyes off of Raven, though she seemed sound asleep. Almost as if he was performing surgery, Beast Boy carefully slid open the heavy oak top drawer and grinned devilishly as neatly and flawlessly folded bras and panties spread out before him.
"Jackpot" he whispered. "Cyborg zoom in on this one…it's lacy and stuff."
Cyborg swallowed so hard he would have sworn his Adam's Apple would have went down with his spit, as he zoomed in on the item in question.
"Yo, haven't you already seen her undies before, B? I mean, it's not like she's hidin' them from you."
"That's not the point, Cy." Beast Boy argued back, still hushing his breath and voice. "She acts like she has a big secret in here or something, like we're gonna find bright pink Hello Kitty granny panties. So c'mon dude, just relax."
The next several minutes were spent with Beast Boy offering a play by play commentary on each of Raven's undergarments. They ranged from plain white cotton, to black, silk and lacey, but no surprises. They had just about finished up when Cyborg thought he heard something. In a panic, he spun around with the camera to see the bed empty with no sign of Raven.
"Uh, B…I hate to interrupt your panty raid, but…R-Raven's not in her bed, man." he said.
Beast Boy clumsily stuffed a pair of dark blue bikini cut panties into the drawer and closed it, shrugging a bit out of non-concern.
"She probably went to the bathroom or something and didn't even notice." he said. "Now c'mon, let's head back and burn it to DVD. I can't wait to become a Dumbass!"
"I think it's a bit too late for that."
It was Raven's voice, though it seemed to come from everywhere in the room. The shadows seemed to carry her voice, as a cold, chilling wind blew in from the windows, making the curtain dance a gothic waltz in the moonlight.
"We're all gonna die!" Cyborg wailed, before making a straight line for the door, only to find a solid wall of black mystical energy was blocking it. "Not good, not good, not good." he muttered, desperately trying to use his brute strength to pound through the wall.
Beast Boy, on the other hand, had begun to try and talk his way out of the mess, offering his most sincere pleas of forgiveness to the pale beauty.
"Heh heh…now Rae, listen, I know you're upset and stuff, and you have every right to be. So if you just let Cyborg and I go, I promise we'll uh…delete the DVD and stuff, ok? Sound good?"
No response came from the darkness, just another bone freezing breeze from the windows.
"So I'm not hearing a no…" he said again, taking a few steps back into the center of the room. "Cy, I think she's gonna let us go! We just gotta delete the DVD and we're free! Maybe we can do another Dumbass prank, like putting itching powder in Robin's tights or something."
Cyborg never replied, instead his teeth chattered, his face pale and rigid as he pointed a trembling metallic finger towards Beast Boy.
"Huh? Dude, what's gotten into you? I said Raven is gonna let us go and-"
It was then Beast Boy noticed the thick, black tendrils that had sprung up from a swirling vortex of Raven's magic that had opened up under his feet. He swallowed hard and looked at Cyborg with an expression like Willie E. Coyote before he'd fall off a cliff. With a scream of "Dude, soorrrrrryyyyyyy…" the tendrils pulled him into the portal and he disappeared.
"Okay listen, Rae...I mean, Raven. I know you're upset, but Beast Boy made me do this. He said he was gonna de-activate me or something if I didn't do this, so don't get mad at meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee…." His voice trailed as those same tendrils pulled him into the inky blackness.
The room sat still for several seconds, before Raven emerged from the shadows, stretched her skinny arms, yawned and curled up in bed to go to sleep.
"What a glorious morning!" Starfire chirped as she floated into OPs for breakfast the following morning.
Raven didn't even acknowledge the crimson haired princess; as she was too busy being engrossed in a dusty volume of forbidden magic. Starfire produced the blender from the drawers to make her Mustard and Horseradish Breakfast Smoothie she has every morning, when she noticed the lack of Beast Boy and Cyborg arguing over the great Bacon VS Tofu debate.
"Where are friends Cyborg and Beast Boy?" she asked puzzled. Raven arched an eyebrow, before closing her book.
"Thank you, Starfire. I had almost forgotten about them."
A similar black vortex as before opened up in the ceiling, as a yelling Cyborg and Beast Boy fell from it, huddled close together in a very non-manly embrace.
"S-s-so cold…" Cyborg muttered his human eye wide and blood shot.
"S-s-so dark…" added Beast Boy, his hair a mess and his eyes non-blinking.
"Hello boys." Raven said quietly. "Did you sleep well last night?"
"The darkness…the darkness…" a broken Beast Boy chattered.
"I hope we have learned our lesson." the empath added, casually crossing her bare legs.
"Y-yes ma'am…" Cyborg said.
"And what is this lesson?" Raven asked Beast Boy.
"D-don't be a Dumbass…." the changeling said.
"Good boy." she said and patted his messy green hair, before returning to her book.