When she was put in the cell and those bars slammed home, she knew it was for real the reality of her new life hit her like a hammer at full force. 15 years in prison. The tears came as she lay awake that night, but the sobs were silent, while her shoulder shook no sound was heard. Her inmates were waiting for the fresh bait to crack. She knew how it worked in there – she'd watched enough prison movies to know the rules of the game. And if she wanted to survive she had to play them. She had to toughen up, she had no choice; she wasn't allowed to fall apart, no matter what.
By the time morning came she had accepted what was happening to her, which was more than most people. She had reasoned that no amount of tears or thoughts was going to set her free. She found herself thinking of Alex's visit. He promised he'd be there and she was waiting for him.
She wondered how the girls were coping at Drover's, it couldn't have been easy, but they had each other. It would have been a fairytale compared to what Stevie was going through. Lucky for her, she was good at hiding her emotions, the tough girl image she'd built up was paying off, the wall she had placed up to protect herself was holding her together.
Breakfast in the main hall was lonely, but she was grateful that no one bothered her. She didn't want to make friends or seem desperate to fit in; it wasn't high school. If over time she had conversation with someone, that was fine, but she had no desire to make prison her home, or her heart despite the years she'd be there.
She had a home and a family waiting for her on the farm, that was where her heart was, and that was all she needed to survive. But she was crushed when the day drew to an end and Alex hadn't come. She didn't blame him, and she didn't get angry, she was just sad.
He didn't come the next day. Or the next and she stopped wondering after the first four days. She assumed Fiona had stepped in and as his wife she had rights. She didn't except him to come now, he had his life and had hers, they were worlds apart. It was the reason why she had held back from being so honest with him.
She only hoped that wherever he was, he was happy.
Stevie was surprised that she hadn't been bothered by anyone. She'd been there for a week and none of the inmates had approached her, it was as if they knew she wasn't one of them – she didn't belong there.
It was a month later when Stevie got a cellmate since she'd arrived the cell next to her had been vacant. She was a tall girl, with brown hair and brown eyes, she reminded her of Kate. She had a baby face and looked no older than 16. It was safe to say that Stevie liked her from the start.
"What are you in for?" the girl asked.
"What everyone else is in for," she answered. It was the first sentence she had uttered to any inmate since she got there. "What are you in for?"
There was hesitation from the girl. "Wrong place, wrong time. The name's Erin," she put her hand through the bars that connected their cells together. Stevie took her hand.
"Stevie Hall," she replied.
Erin smiled. They made small chat for a while before they were released outside.
Fresh air for a couple of hours a day was all they were allowed, it was a big change for someone who spent every waking moment outside. As she walked around the yard by herself, she pictured the land the paddock and trees back at Drover's. All she could see were three walls and an ironed gate that gave her a view of dead grass. But her heart wasn't behind the prison gates; it was with Alex.
She hadn't seen him for one month, one week and three days. Nor had she heard from the girls. But she didn't expect to, they had a farm to run, life didn't stop for them because it had for her.
"Hall!" a voice called. Stevie turned to see a guard coming to meet her. "You got a visitor," he explained.
Her heart rate sped up. Was it one of the girls? She hurried after the guard who led her to the visitor's table and for a moment she stopped breathing. It was Alex!
He immediately stood when he saw her, and a smile filled his face. Even dressed in an orange jump suit, she managed to set his heart pounding. She was beautiful. But he noticed that she was cautious when she approached him and his smile faded a little. He had a lot to tell her.
"Hi," he greeted hugging her.
She closed her eyes as she held him, the warm and familiar feeling of safety swept over her. When she pulled away she had tears in her eyes. It had seemed like a lifetime ago sine she last saw him.
"Hello Alex," she smiled. She didn't need him to give reasons for his long delay, she was just glad he was there. She'd missed him. She hadn't realised just how much until she saw him standing at the table.
"Hullo cowgirl," he grinned. She laughed and then reached her hands to his face, pulling him down for a kiss. His arms moved to embrace her tighter and her hands moved around his neck. In truth she was afraid this was just another dream, and in a moment she was going to wake up and find herself alone, she didn't want to waste time holding back.
"I love you," he whispered.
She looked up at him and smiled, she had given up on him weeks ago. She had believed that he was happy at home with Fiona starting the family he had always wanted, she made herself believe that he never thought of her. Not anymore. She deceived herself in thinking that what he felt about her was nothing more than friendship. But now he was standing with her, holding his hands at her waist and telling her he loved her. It was hard to believe the two f them were standing in a prison waiting room.
"How are you?" she asked.
"Better now," he answered. "Stevie… I've come everyday for the last month and-"
"You don't have to explain," she interrupted.
"I want to. I don't want you to believe that I didn't care. But the guards wouldn't-"
"Alex it's okay. I know that you have a life on the outside. I get it. I understand. You don't have to say anything to make me feel better."
"Will you shut up for a minute," he laughed. She nodded and he went on. "The guards and security wouldn't let me in – they didn't like my attitude. I've tried Stevie, I've come everyday and I've waited."
"Really?" she cried wanting to believe it.
"Yes. I told you I was coming and I meant it."
"What about Killarny?" she asked. "What about the girls at Drover's? How it everyone?" she took his hand and sat across from him at the table.
"I don't know much, I've been staying in a hotel up here… Riley calls. Killarny's managing without me they've hired someone to give 'em a hand. The girls want to see you, they ring and ask how you are but they refuse to hire anyone else and if one of 'em leaves they won't get the work done. They're hanging in there," he told her.
She sighed. "I've missed you," she confessed.
"Yeah, me too. How you doing?"
"Fine," she replied.
"No one's giving you any trouble? No one's hurting you?" he'd been worried about her since the day she left him in the courtroom.
She smiled. "No. It's been easy, no one's bothered me." He was relieved to hear her say that, she could see it in his eyes he had missed her, maybe as much as she'd missed him. She sat watching him for a moment, he hadn't changed much, but there was something in his eyes that was different – he looked worn down. She was concerned about him. "Are you okay?"
He shrugged. "I'm not sure. I don't know how I'm going to leave you again, I don't want to."
"I don't want you to," she smiled.
"I'll come back tomorrow."
"No Alex. Killarny needs you. You need to go home. Work things out with Fiona, you need to forget about me, we're worlds apart."
"I need to be here," he looked worried when he looked at her. He knew how stubborn she could be.
"No you don't," she shook her head. "You need to be out there. You need to live. Love. Work."
"I live for you. I love you and work can wait." He had all the answers.
"For 15 years?"
"If it has to. Don't be so dramatic, it's been a month."
"Don't be so stupid. You need to stop coming to visit. Go home, Alex." He would never know how hard it was for her to suggest he do that. She wanted him to come, she needed him to, but she was afraid he'd waste his life waiting for her and she loved him too much to let him.
But he was just as stubborn and hard-headed as she was, pride took over as it did often, and he laid down the rules. "I'm not leaving you, Stevie. I belong here."
"Alex…"
"I'm not listening to reason. Don't ask me to leave you, because it's not an option. The girls haven't given up in finding out who killed Harry and neither have I. We all miss you. No one has given up on you, so don't you give up on us."
She shut her eyes and squeezed his hand in her own. It was hard not to give up when she was the one locked up in prison and they were free to do what they wanted. They had the frustration, but she had the nightmare.