Author's Note: This fic continues to reference mental insanity and murder, as well as some slightly disturbing/gory imagery here and there. Read at your own risk.
It seems like such a long time ago that, at the age of 17, Yukimura had finally become a general under the lord of Kai Province, Takeda Shingen. He had been looking forward to that nearly all of his life, since the moment when, as little more than a toddler, he had accompanied his father to one of Shingen's meetings. There, he had fallen completely for the older man. Strong, wise, and magnificent, The Tiger of Kai had embodied everything that Yukimura believed made one a man. "Father," he had said brightly. "This is my lord, too!" And both men had laughed and praised the little tiger cub.
For years, Yukimura had served faithfully under him and later, his ideals and legacy. Surely, surely, even though Shingen had turned out to be mortal man in the end, his spirit would live on.
Surely.
Yukimura sits in his room late one night, arm at his side. His legs are folded underneath him and his back is ramrod straight. The room, located in the back of the Uesugi estate, is empty save for Yukimura and the lone flickering candle in the corner. It throws long streams of light across the shoji screens and the detailed walls, making the beautiful artwork appear monstrous in the night. He can see and hear the shadows of the men watching him from outside.
He can see and hear the shadow of Takeda Shingen sitting before him.
A shadow and a skeleton. What is left of this once larger-than-life man? His face is shadowed as his headdress, torn and sheered and robbed of the signature bull's horns, have fallen over his features. Blood or bile, Yukimura doesn't know which, spills from his lips with each movement. The illness that had claimed his life had claimed his glorious body well before. His muscles are gone, his strength has diminished. Yukimura sees the candlelight stream through him and thinks that perhaps it is because his lord has not eaten well since having fallen ill. But despite the devastating effects on the illness on his body, Yukimura knows that his mind is as sharp as ever.
"My lord," he says, quite seriously.
The men outside go quiet.
"The Uesugi army will soon engage the Date army over this warrior." The remains of the warrior that he had become, but Yukimura thinks it would be impolite to say that in the presence of his lord. "Surely you would have some advice. I, Yukimura, will do whatever you advise."
One of the guards leave, and the other other cracks open the door.
Shingen is thinking and it is a long time before he speaks. "If it's a matter of personal strength, Kenshin won't lose to the Oushuu brat." He points out. "But the recent wars have left the Uesugi army with smaller numbers. Kenshin's strategies won't be beaten by the Date, but it will be close." He is saying exactly what Yukimura imagined he would say.
"I, will assist the Uesugi in any way that I can." He swears. It was, after all, his fault that they were warring in the first place.
He sees Shingen's fist tighten, though the man's arm is obviously too weak to hit Yukimura with any significant strength. "You fool!" Shingen berates him. "What good could you do in such a state? You'll end up dead or worse, captured by the Date again."
Yukimura's arm aches at the thought of being forced into his cell again. "Forgive me, my lord." He bows deeply. The man at the sliver in the door is drawing away with a hand to his mouth. "But I, Yukimura cannot let this injustice stand. Though I wish to follow your words, I..."
Whatever he has to say next is interrupted by the door opening so fast and wide that it nearly falls off the track. Maeda Keiji, dressed in a simple robe, is standing in the doorway. He is out of breath and red-faced, his hair falling messily over his shoulders, as he though he'd had no time to do anything but answer the guard's request for help. He is clearly not pleased as he enters the room. "Yukimura."
Yukimura is scandalised! How dare Maeda Keiji-dono interfere in his private conference with his lord?! His mouth opens to protest, to yell and as he glances back at Shingen... Shingen is gone for now, having been scared off by the invasion. His heart aches and he is distracted well enough to be pulled into the living man's arms. Instinctively, Yukimura tenses at the contact, but he quickly reminds himself that Maeda-dono is not interested in men at all. At all. He still fists his hand in the man's long hair as a warning.
"He isn't there," Maeda Keiji murmurs and Yukimura wants to shout that of course he isn't, because Maeda-dono has pushed him away. It is the same thing that happens every time Yukimura speaks with those that he has failed and it is very frustrating. He knows that they aren't there, but they are and the conversations they have as are real as the ones he shares with those in the living realm.
But he knows these arguments will fall on deaf ears, as though it those living that are truly the dead ones, and Yukimura closes his mouth before they can argue, preferring instead to lean against the larger man, now that he has adjusted to his arms. For now, he will act compliant and regretful, and later tonight perhaps they will give him peace long enough for him to listen to Sasuke's advice, long after he has curled up under his bedsheets.
Maeda Keiji does not leave him alone that night, and Sasuke visits Yukimura only long enough to hum a song to lull him to sleep.
"There is going to be war," he says to Maeda Keiji later as the older man helps him wash his hair. It's growing out recently, which Yukimura is pleased with.
"Of course there is," Keiji sighs and he scrubs at the area around Yukimura's ears. "It's too bad, but it's unavoidable. This isn't even for the country, what is that guy even thinking?"
It's very unlikely that Date-dono is thinking about the country, Yukimura wants to point out. He has lost his greatest rival, lost him in more ways than one, and he simply wishes to regain him somehow. But Maeda-dono's scrubbing pushes soap into his mouth and Yukimura is too busy spitting it out in disgust to speak. When he remembers later, it is dinnertime, and Kasuga-dono is giving him an extra serving of rice. Her food is the only food he allows himself to eat.
Sasuke appears jealous, as he leans against the wall to watch.
"Kasuga-dono, you have been very busy lately." Yukimura is grateful that the arm that had been severed was not his dominant hand, because he refuses to let people feed him by their hands. He can feed himself or he can starve. He can't even eat food handled by someone other than this woman.
Kasuga seems surprised that he can tell. "We ninja have a lot of work to do." She points out as she eats her own food. She hadn't eaten with him at first, but he had insisted until it had become a thrice-daily routine. "Scouting, spying... there are many things to make a ninja busy." She doesn't need to say much more. After all, Yukimura had once commanded his own ninja squad.
"I, Yukimura, wish to help." He says and he sees Sasuke give a slightly disappointed sigh, as Kasuga bites her lip and looks away.
"I'm sorry, Sanada-dono, but Kenshin-sama wishes for you to stay in the compound." Her long bangs are very effective at hiding her face. "We all wish to keep you safe."
'There is nothing left of this warrior to keep safe' Yukimura thinks privately, but he cannot say such a thing to this woman in the presence of her late fiancé. He is not even a warrior in this state, but a crippled man with nothing to live for but the promise of his own family's legacy. Aside from that, the mere idea of keeping a warrior safe?! It's absurd and insulting.
He goes to bed unhappy that night.
Sasuke stays with him, sitting at the edge of Yukimura's bedsheets like he had done before when Yukimura was too excited to sleep. "You really blew that one, Danna."
The guards are paying more attention this night than the last. Yukimura can only frown at his former ninja and shake his head.
"Let the Uesugi deal with the Date." Sasuke says to him. "Everyone knows that you can't beat the God of War." And that is that. Sasuke vanishes in a red haze and Yukimura is left alone with the candlelight.
They are right, of course. He knows this. He knows that Uesugi Kenshin is more experienced, more strategic and probably stronger than the One Eyed Dragon. But Uesugi-dono is not Masamune's fated rival, and that very idea infuriates Yukimura. It is the dragon and the tiger, not the dragon and the dragon!
The war begins one late autumn day.
Yukimura knows, because Maeda Keiji says goodbye to him that night. "I'm going to be with Kenshin on the frontlines. I'll see you when I can." He explains. Yukimura wants to ask just one more time to be allowed to fight, but he already knows the answer.
No.
No. Forever no.
Yukimura lies awake that night, staring at the ceilng and the shadows that the flickering candlelight casts.
He has come to loathe his imprisonment in this cell. It is cleaner, it is lighter, and Yukimura is allowed to roam outside and speak to those that are trusted with his existence. But as he stands at a clearing in the saplings and turns his face to the sun, he wishes fervently that he could be set free and run wild as tigers should. There is nothing left of him to identity him as Sanada Yukimura! At least not physically, with his hair as short as it was cut, and his arm gone forever. Inside, he is the same Young Tiger of Kai who had lived from battle to battle as though there was nothing in the world that matter but that rush of war and victory.
It is this victory that he desires now. He desires that rush and revenge and the need for freedom. He desires to live his life as he had once before, to run free in the sun with his spears tightly in his hands as he fulfilled all his lords wishes. He desires...
They have cut his guard down to one at a time.
You cannot cage a tiger. You cannot tame him. And even if you were to remove his claws, he still has his teeth.
It is with these teeth that he now unties the bracelet around his wrist. The five coins are carefully slipped into a pocket in his yukata, and he shrugs on a heavier coat. It is getting cold, after all. He must take care not to become ill by exposure.
He opens the door, takes the dozing guard by surprise.
As Yukimura steps away, he leaves the leather around the neck of his guard even as he takes his sword. Another weight, another murder presses onto his shoulders and he almost can't breathe through the pressure until Sasuke and Shingen help alleviate it, like they had done countless times in their life.
Sanada Yukimura slips into the night, and it is not for hours later that his escape is discovered, when the night shift changes guards.
Even Kasuga joins the search, and they discover no trace of the other man. It as though he has vanished into the night like the ghosts he claims to see. She reports this to her lord immediately. It is an absurd idea, to think that those long lost would have returned. And yet it had happened for Sanada Yukimura, hadn't it? A man long thought dead had arrived only half dead on the saddle of Maeda Keiji. She hopes she doesn't see any more ghosts from beyond the river and that somehow, Yukimura returns to where he is meant to be.
Which is most certainly not heading toward the battlefield.
As he walks, Yukimura's eyes water with both tears and the exposure to the wind. The wind is perhaps a byproduct of the furious spirits yelling at him. He tries to drown them out. Never in his life would he have done something so stupid. To defy his lord and the man considered his best friend--! He is ashamed and regrets every step that he takes with Shingen watching over him, his words digging into him like poisonous needles.
Yukimura has betrayed that which he holds most dear. It is something completely unfathomable to him, and the weight of this most deadly of sins sends pain throughout his body with each movement.
He doesn't sleep as he walks, having changed clothes just a couple of hours after leaving the Uesugi grounds. He has shorn off his hair again, covered his face with a commoner's hat, and the dead arm is easily hidden by a well-strapped sword. It is uncomfortable, but it need only last long enough to arrive at the battlefield. He need only last that long.
The night turns into day, and Yukimura joins a band of merchants who are travelling to the edges of the war. "It's dangerous," one man tells him as he helps Yukimura into the back of their cart. "But they always need things. Uesugi-dono pays well."
Yukimura nods. "He is an honourable man." Unlike other warlords, who might pillage and plunder for the supplies they need. It was dangerous and unnecessary to bring too many supplies. It merely serves to slow the army down, but there also needed to be a way to keep supplies readily available, lest the morale of the troops decreases as their hunger grows. Supply lines or merchants, both would serve the Uesugi well.
As would Yukimura.
From the merchants, he learns far more than he had learned in his prisons. The land is united, the world is at peace. "Until that Dragon of the North started sniffing around again. Hunting ghosts, I hear." They laugh, as though Masamune had lost his mind for seeking out his rival who had perished in a battle many months ago. Yukimura keeps quiet. Let these men believe that Sanada Yukimura was dead and that Date Masamune had gone insane. It was true, one way or the other. Yukimura's life had ended the moment his arm had snapped.
The men stop for the night and they are now so close to the war that Yukimura can smell gunpowder and blood. "Evil night," his new friend mutters as the men take turns sleeping on the cart. "Keep your eye out for spirits."
"I will," Yukimura promises.
And when the merchant is the only one still awake, with his comrades sleeping, Yukimura knocks him out quickly, using the edge of the sword in hidden in his sleeve. He debates killing the men, because he should be hiding from those who are most likely looking for him, but Sasuke asks him what's gotten into him. Stung by the remark, Yukimura leaves them alive, heading toward the fog of war.
Though his vision is slightly impaired by the night, he is led by both spirits and the torchlight. Stumbling over unseen obstacles, he walks toward what he can only hope is the Date camp. There, and only there, can he speak to the man he once considered his rival. Maybe, even though Yukimura has died and Date Masamune has gone insane, they can resolve it at last and leave them both in peace. It is this thought that powers his motions more than revenge or desperation or his fervent need to join battle once more.
Since he was a child, since that moment he had met Takeda Shingen, Yukimura had been groomed for battle under his lord's name. It was his life. And now, so cruelly robbed of his ability and his life twice over, he had lost everything. However, perhaps, if the fates were with him, he would have a chance to right it all. In this day, both he and Date Masamune could move on without regret.
At least, this is what Yukimura has told himself in his long walk to the battleground. He had had a long time to think on his actions and his desires. This is what is best, he has convinced himself, despite his spirits' other insistences. Yukimura now knew what was best, and it needed to end, one way or the other.
He makes it to the battlefield just before dawn, stumbling over the body of a man unfortunate enough to have been left behind. Yukimura stares into his face, as though seeking to recognize him. Date or Uesugi, he can't tell from the remains of his armor, though he supposes that the man's affiliation matters little with his death.
Yukimura has just picked himself up to continue when he is captured. Again.
He's not sure if he should feel lucky or not that it is Kasuga (after all, he may have considered himself lucky that Masamune-dono had assisted him off the battlefield in the moments after his arm broke). She is furious, something which is understandable, and the dark circles under her eyes must trouble her onlooking fiancé.
Yukimura doesn't move.
"Sanada-dono," she says tersely as she holds a knife against his throat, and he hears the sounds of her comrades joining her. "You will accompany us to our camp."
And that is that. Head lowered, Yukimura allows the sword under his yukata to be taken, and he is bound with rope. He is led to the Uesugi camp, and to Kenshin's tent. He doesn't fight this, because he believes that now he is worthy of being seen by the man, now that he is strong and well and has a purpose to serve. Kenshin is, of course, already awake and looks as beautiful and elegant as Yukimura remembers him being. It is as though he truly is a god, untouched by time, and Yukimura is jealous that his own lord had not achieved this in his lifetime.
"Young Tiger, " Kenshin says in his gentle, yet firm tone. It is still dark, and the candelight makes his eyes unreadable. "You have caused us quite a bit of trouble these past days, haven't you?"
Yukimura bows his head until it is nearly touching the ground. "Forgive me, Uesugi-dono. I, Yukimura, wish to be no trouble to you at all."
Kenshin sends his men out of the room. Even Kasuga is excused with a nod of his head. Confused, Yukimura waits for the man to explain his actions. But Kenshin keeps quiet as he observes Yukimura. His face is carefully neutral as he thinks, running light and delicate fingers over Yukimura's shoulder and across the lines of his face.
Finally Kenshin speaks. "I, too, knows what the loss of a rival feels like." He explains, and though his sword is too valuable to be used in the cutting of these mundane ropes, he uses the knife that Kasuga had left behind for that purpose instead. "You are both suffering from your losses, and neither of you will be satisfied without the conclusion of your fights, is that not it?"
Yukmura's heart lifts as the ropes fall from around his torso. So Uesugi Kenshin-dono was every bit the man that his lord had lauded him as! A man who was wise, both kind and firm in his convictions and beliefs. No wonder this man had been his lord's fated rival. He understood.
"However," Kenshin continues. "We cannot just allow you to wander back into the dragon's jaws." He presses a finger against Yukimura's lips when he starts to protest. "As you are now, I believe that Dokuganryuu has little interest in fighting you as his rival. We must act upon something else."
Act upon... something else? Yukimura doesn't understand.
"You will understand later," Kenshin can read the confusion across his face. "For now, you must rest. You must be tired." He calls his guards and Kasuga back into the tent. Under his orders, they escort Yukimura to an empty supply tent where Kasuga spends the next couple of hours with him getting him to eat and sleep.
He sleeps heavily, and he dreams.
Shingen is there, and Sasuke too. Beyond them he can see the forms of those he remembers have passed long before him. His son, his father, the men he trained alongside nearly all of his life, even the guard he had just strangled only a day or so ago. It is a bit overwhelming, and though Sasuke drapes an arm over Yukimura's shoulders and Shingen hits him so heavily across the back that both he and his ninja nearly topple over, he can hardly believe it is real.
Behind the group of people, Yukimura can see a river. He is led to the water's edge by Sasuke, who tells him. "You need to pass, Danna. Do you have the fee?"
Yukimura reaches into his yukata, pulling the small handful of coins out with a bit of apprehension. "I... I only have five coins, Sasuke."
It as though someone has blown out a candle. Sasuke's features darken, the skies behind him turn gray, and Yukimura suddenly realises that he can no longer see the other people in the crowd. Even Shingen's features are obscured by the sudden lack of light, and if Yukimura were imagining things, he might even say the man was looking gray and ill.
"Then you can't pass," Shingen tells him and he is suddenly too weak to hit Yukimura again, his body withering before Yukimura's horrified eyes. "You can't pay the fee."
Yukimura's heart breaks.
He tries to shout or cry or beg, but he's pushed away from Sasuke and Shingen, though neither man has moved. The coins fly out of his hand and go through the ghosts as he stretches out his hand. The ground underneath his feet give way and he lands in the river with a splash, as a serpent - a dragon? - slides over his arms and legs and pulls him under and --
Yukimura sneezes as strands of hair irritate his nose. He opens his eyes.
Maeda Keiji looks sheepish. "Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you. I was trying to even out your hair, and -- woah!" Yukimura has turned onto his side and is vomiting, coughing desperately as he tries to breathe. He can pretend the tears rolling down his face are a reaction to the sick, and though Keiji rubs his back as he coughs and chokes, he doesn't feel anything but that cold rejection from those he loved most.
Sitting up and rubbing his mouth, he glances around the tent. It is just him and the other man. For once, for the first time in days, he is... alone. He is alone.
He is alone.
Has he... always been alone? "My lord." Yukimura says through his raw throat. Keiji stops cleaning up the mess to look at him, and look around. "Sasuke..." He tries again and again, as Keiji tries to calm him down, but where before the spirits would have answered his calls, would have appeared to speak to him, there is nothing but sound the heavy canvas of the tent moving with the wind.
There is nothing, but...
The sounds of Yukimura's crying as he realises that he is finally alone again. That his lord and Sasuke are not returning from their trips into the afterlife, and that he has nothing left in this mortal realm but the promise of his own family legacy. He sobs and he chokes and he wants to scream, and he only registers Maeda Keiji holding him down because he wants to claw at his own face but he can't.
He can't.
It is a long time later that he finally stops crying. He lies there so quietly that Keiji isn't even sure he's still awake until he speaks. "Maeda-dono. I, Yukimura, apologise for that outburst." His throat burns at the attempt, but he manages to croak it out.
"No," Keiji says hesitantly. "You don't need to."
Yukimura attempts to sit up. Keiji lets him. For a moment he sits, and though he glances up with hope that perhaps his ghosts have returned, he is quickly disappointed. But he tries not to let that despair register on his face. After all, Yukimura has been alone since the moment his arm had broken and he had been thrown into a cell underneat the Date complex. He'd known they hadn't been there, he really had known that. But that had been easy to forget when faced with those people he loved the most.
"You should stay in here," Keiji continues. "Kenshin's talking with Dokuganryuu now. Kasuga-chan's with him."
I should be there too! Yukimura tries to scream through his damaged throat, but he simply gives the other man a nasty look that says enough. Keiji says and offers him water, which Yukimura gladly accepts. He drinks and he drinks and the cool water is enough to make the burn subside though the ache in his chest remains. It is odd, and he holds a hand over it. It's almost as though his heart has been removed, and there's nothing but an empty hole remaining where it once was, his body attempting to fill the hole with muscle and blood. He hopes that his heart is still there, because it would be very difficult to fight without it.
He doesn't realise he's dug a nail into his flesh as though to cut his chest open to check, until Keiji pulls his hand away. "Hey, stop that." He looks uneasy. "Just relax and wait."
Yukimura has had quite enough of waiting, but Maeda-dono's hand around his wrist is tight and somewhat threatening and an unpleasant reminder of another man. "I mean it. We're not trying to keep you captive, we just want to keep you safe. In Shingen-kou's memory."
At the mention of his lord, spoken so casually from this man's lips, Yukimura's anger flails up. It's a familiar and welcome feeling, and he lashes out. Unable to punch with his only arm held so tightly, he yanks back and kicks, managing to square a hit directly into the taller man's groin. Normally Yukimura wouldn't fight so... so dirty, but this is a special circumstance.
Maeda-dono releases him with a shout, and Yukimura takes those precious few seconds of Keiji's painful distraction to pull himself off the ground and run out of the tent. If he can get a good enough head start, then... then--
He doesn't go further than several feet before guards stop him. He can tell they're trying not to laugh as they wrap rope around his arm and torso, as Maeda-dono limps out with an order to put him back inside and keep him down and quiet until Kenshin returns. He doesn't see what's entirely funny about any of the situation and fumes as he's settled between two guards inside of the tent.
Maeda Keiji doesn't return.