(A/N: This is just something I have been needing to get out of my head and onto paper before I lost it, heh. Anyways, this is possibly a one shot but who knows, could become more. Original story/characters, warning for language. R/R as always, let me know what ya'll think about it, thanks!)
Entry #1
McAlister, Sadie
18 October 2009
"Where do I even begin with my…what the heck am I even doing this for? Oh yes, of course, how could I forget? Part of my "therapy" requires me to write out my "daily" experiences. As if I don't have a good enough reason to pay for help to overcome my issues; but now I have to think about these things more than I already do. It's a wonder that I am even still alive, and no, I am not simply throwing that line in for what people call "kicks"
Nope, I am being as serious as heart attack when I say that I wonder how I am still alive after….after everything. I am not even 21 yet and already I have attempted to take my own life more times than I can count. Alright, so maybe that part was a little over exaggerated because, I can in fact count how many times I've reached that low. Sometimes it was me simply standing alone in the small, closet space of a bathroom, my eyes articulately gazing through the shelves of various medications.
Hell, who am I to say that I am different from any other person? The truth is, I'm not because who hasn't at one point in their lives considered over dosing on something as common as Tylenol or Advil? Sadly, like with most things in my life, I didn't have the backbone to actually go through it then and can honestly say that I never will. I know pathetic right? Out of just about every person I know, age wise, I am probably the only one who hasn't drink when they had it right there or; fucked some guy when I had him right there next to me. I guess that maybe…I am honest to God afraid of what could happen if I simply gave in to it all. To, throw all caution, all commonsense to the wind and for once in my messed up life, just give in.
Actually let me retract that last statement because, I have only once really given in to desire and suffice to say that I am to this very day regretting it. For that one moment, I said to Hell with logic, with over analyzing everything bloody thing and told myself to have at it; to feel instead of think. Well ladies and gentlemen; want to know the irony of it…hmmm? God decided to mess with my head and as a result, I ended up falling in love with that person. But wait…it gets better… Ready? This person doesn't love me back, don't get me wrong, we are still friends; which is always better than the alternative.
However, there is still that lurking "but" and believe me when I tell you that I've gone through virtually every possible scenario in my mind; over and over and over again. Each time, it always ends in the ludicrous idea of "Happily Ever After". Give me a break, kids, there is no such thing as that; simply a world filled with pit fall after pit fall; take it from someone who's been there, done that.
So now I conclude this first "diary" entry with a question? How the hell do you move on from someone you love with every fiber of your being? I know, should be easy, right…especially when the person you are in love with doesn't love you back. But guess what, it isn't…."