We see Jacob and Erin in a remote part of England. Jacob is on his hands and knees throwing up while Erin is behind him holding his ears. The camera guy, still being a little nervous from the events from the last episode is away on a smoke break. "Fuck Peeps! That was some wild ass party last night!" Jacob said, before belching again.
Erin smiles drunkenly. "Yeah you said it J-dawg!" she slurred, laughing.
"I never knew you could sing." Jacob commented, before up chucking once more.
Flashback!
We see Erin and Jacob in a karaoke bar dancing and getting their drink on.
Erin being a little hammered grabs Jacob by the shoulder and shouts drunkenly. "Come on J-Dawg let's show these clowns what real music is!" She slurs, downing another shot of Jäger. And Jacob, also being hammered, happily complies.
They both jump on stage and Jacob spits some drunk talk while Erin looks for a song.
"HEEEEEEELLOOOOOO NEW YORK CITY!" Jacob shouts.
A random audience member cuts in. "Um dude? We're in London!" He states pointing out the obvious fact. Jacob smirks drunkenly.
"No were not. Were in LALA LAAAAAAND!" he screams back, laughing drunkenly.
Erin grabs a microphone. "A'ight, A'ight. This is a song me and mah homie J-dawg wrote! It's called Party Girl!" she slurs into the microphone.
"Hey Peeps!" Jacob sang.
"Hey J-dawg!"
"Ya wanna go for a ride?"
"Sure!"
"Jump on!"
Erin jumps on Jacob's back and starts singing/screaming. "Ima party girl! In a party world! People think they beat me! Well they can freakin eat me!" she sang horribly off key.
"Come on Peeps let's go party!" Jacob calls back.
"Ah! Ah! Yeah!" she slurred back.
All of a sudden the random heckler screams from the audience. "You suck! Go to rehab bitch!" he boos loudly. Always snapping when someone calls her a bitch, Erin promptly jumps off Jacob's shoulders and onto the heckler, punching and clawing the shit out of him. Jacob jumps off the stage to go break up the fight but stumbles into some scary biker looking dude. Jacob and the biker duke it out and the rest of the bar, having nothing else to do decide to join in. Everyone begins shoving and punching each other. They begin to cause so much damage that the owners get pissed and call the cops.
Jacob, having just fought his way out of his scuffle begins to make his way over to Erin. "Peeps! Let's get outta here the cops are comin!" he shouts. With that, Erin and Jacob begin to make their way through the mob towards the door. Jacob's iPhone rings and he answers it.
It's the people at Infinity Ward. "J-dawg! What the hell are y 'all doing? You both got another episode to shoot tomo-!" The man's voice was cut of by the explosion of several flash bangs. Erin and Jacob both fall to the floor blinded and dazed, Jacob can faintly hear the Voice on his phone. "Breezy Six come in! What's your status?" the voice from the phone calls out.
Jacob rolls on his side. "What the hell happened!" A random person screamed as Erin painfully tries to get up.
"Cops are here! We got to go now!" Another person shouted answering the previous man's question.
The IW man's voice rings out again. "Breezy Six! Come in dammit!" questions the phone. Jacob finally finds his footing and grabs the phone with both hands.
"Big Dogg, this is Breezy Six! Were on our way out!" He shouted into the phone a he ran over to Erin, "On your feet Peepsta! WE ARE LEAVING!" He screamed as he jerked her up. They run out of the bar just as the cops are busting through the windows.
Flashback end!
Jacob sighs. "Crap. We hafta start being more careful where we party!" he said, remembering how that night's special was for biker's and Irish heavy weights.
"Yeah I know right!" Erin replied nodding in agreement. The camera guy walks back from his smoke break.
He nods at them, "You guys ready to do this?" He asked nervously, hoping they're not.
Jacob throws up again but gives the thumbs up sign. "Hell yeah!" he spat out.
The cameraman face palms. Why the hell did I have to get stuck with these two? He thought to himself dismally. "OK we're rolling in five, four, three, two, one." He states seriously, flipping on the camera.
"Hey, hey, hey COD! We got ish an eshra speshal effisode of COD Cribs in store! Today we'll be looking at the Crib of the bad ass balla's of Task Force One, Foe, One! Give it too em Peeps!" Jacob said with slurs evident in his voice. The camera turned to Erin who looked like she was in her own little world. "Erin? Erin!" Jacob asks, waving a hand in front of her face.
She jumps slightly, coming back to reality. "Wha- Oh! Um yeah today we gonna look at something or go somewhere maybe." She mutters trying to remember the script.
The cameraman face palmed. "You guys are fucking morons!" he groans.
Jacob looks at the cameraman angrily, not to keen on the name calling spits. "Shut up! Dumb motherf-!" He starts but is cutoff by throwing up his entire stomach contents. "Oh fuck! I hope the boss isn't watching!" Jacob mumbles as he frantically tried to wipe the vomit from his mouth.
Erin spits drunkenly "Shit J-dawg. If I had a nickel for every time the boss got mad about our drinkin I'd be one rich little- OOF!" she starts but falls over drunk.
We are currently experiencing Technical Difficulties.
Several cups of espresso later, we go back to Jacob and the cameraman frantically searching the woods near the road for Erin, whom had had an 'interesting' reaction to all that caffeine. "Erin? Erin? Where the hell are you?" Jacob shouted as he ran through the forest.
"Behind you!" Erin screams abruptly, appearing behind him silently.
Jacob jumps, grabbing his chest in shock. "Erin! Fuck don't do that! Your gonna give me a freaking heart attack!" Jacob shouted as he turned around.
Erin smiled evilly. "Oh I am going to do more than that J-Dawg." She coos with an insane look in her eyes.
Jacob laughed nervously. "Heh Erin now let's think rational-! Ahhhhhhhhhh!" he screams as Erin tackles him. The scene faded away with Jacob's terrified screams in the background.
The cameraman was just about to call it a quits and go home but then heard a blood curdling scream. Quickly he runs towards the direction of the scream until he comes to a clearing and finds a shocking sight. Erin is on top of Jacob, tickling the life out of him. "Stop it! Please! I can't breathe!" Jacob begged for mercy.
"Not until you bake those cookies ya promised!" Erin said laughing wildly.
"How? Were in the middle of fuckin nowhere!" Jacob shouted in between bouts of laughter.
The cameraman proceeds to run over and grab Erin. "What the hell is wrong with you ya crazy bitch?" he shouted shaking her.
Erin turned around to Jacob and goes all sweet. "Jakey dawg do you promise you'll make me cookies when we get back?" She purred sweetly. He nodded swiftly. She patted him on the head. "OK, good now lets GO KILL THIS MAFUCKA!" She screamed as the last four words of her voice turned back to its normal ghetto self. Jacob and Erin quickly jump up and take off after the cameraman. The cameraman, seeing this, pisses his pants and takes off running back towards the road. But Erin and Jacob are one step ahead of him, they split up and use their headsets to sitrep each other on the cameraman's location.
All of a sudden another voice comes onto the headset. "Come in J-dawg and Peeps. This is Corporal Emily Gadget Robbins in pursuit of the rogue camera man, over." The female voice responds.
Jacob blinks in surprise but doesn't let it slow his pace. "Gadget? Who sent you?" He asks back into his headset.
"The boys at IW figured y 'all could use a hand." Her voice replied through the headset.
"OK. Gadget we've got the cameraman's location! He's heading west along the upper levels of the forest. Well keep him from doubling back on our side. Keep going and cut him off at the top. Good luck!" Jacob responds. We now see Gadget in hot pursuit of the camera guy, following Jacob's instructions she begins to make her way up the rocky hill. Jacob's voice rings out on her head set. "Gadget! Watch the treetops. We've had a few close calls with spider webs and low flying birds. He's heading towards that tree! Erin can ya see em!" Jacob radios over the head set.
"Roger that! He's climbing the tree carrying a black camera bag!" she replied.
Jacob nods, "Well that ought a slow em down. Gadget, we're keepin him from doubling back. Move in to intercept! Go, go!" Jacob grunts. Gadget took off on a dead sprint up the hill.
We see Erin frantically searching for the fleeing cameraman; she quickly runs over the top of the hill and sees a house overlooking the road. "Peeps! I'm going far right!" Jacob's voice screamed on her headset.
"Roger!" She replied as she ran towards the house. The camera guy is running along the balcony and Erin panics. "He's gonna get away!" She yells as the camera man neared the end of the porch.
"No he's not." Jacob replied smoothly. With that we see Jacob tackle the camera guy through the second storey window and onto a passing car, which skids to a halt upon impact with the two bodies.
The camera man looks up at Jacob. "I am never giving you fuckers coffee again." he sighed before letting his head fall on the hood.
"Hey! What the bloody ell did you do to the car!" an angry British accented voice called out. A man in a strange skull patterned balaclava gets out of the car and starts surveying the damage. "Oh fuck me! Price is going to be so pissed when he sees what happened to his car!" He groans, face palming himself.
Gadget runs up, smiling widely at the man. "Ghost! How are you!" Gadget shrieks with excitement.
"Wait! You too know each other!" Jacob asks in shock, looking from the older man to Gadget.
Gadget smiles, "Yup. Me and him are squad mates!" she replies happily.
"Wait. Are you three the ones I'm supposed to be picking up?" Ghost asked gesturing to Erin, Jacob, and the camera guy. Jacob stood to his feet and became serious.
Jacob nods, "Yeah from COD Cribs. That's us playa!" he states, throwing up a gang sign randomly.
"Alright then we should get to the base for the show." Ghost replied motioning for them to enter the car.
They start to the car, Erin glancing over at Gadget. "Gadget, aren't you comin?" Erin inquires when she sees Gadget not getting in.
Gadget waves them off, smirking slightly. "Nah. I'll catch up with y 'all later, last time I rode with Ghost it was scary." She replied walking back into the woods. They begin to wonder what she meant by scary.
But it soon became clear from Ghost's insane driving. "Um dawg I think ya missed that last stop sign." Jacob said worriedly.
Ghost came back with a smart assed reply. "More like the stop sign missed me! Haha!" He screamed wildly before flooring it.
"Ghost! Slow tha fuck down!" Erin cries from the backseat, as she gripped her seatbelt in fear.
A smirk crease forms in his mask as he glances back at her through the rear view mirror. "Haha! How bout no!" he replied as he swerved into the wrong side of traffic. Jacob, being up front, tries to get the wheel to steer the car back on to the right side of the road.
Jacob and Ghost fight over the wheel for several miles until they ramp over a hill and into the front of the base. "Wow that was convenient." The camera guy observed dryly. Ghost steps out of the car and the rest follow him into the base.
They all walk into Captain Mactavish's and Price's office. "Captain Price, the Cribs people are here." Ghost comments shortly.
Captain Price looks up from a pile of paperwork. "Huh? Oh! Right. Um Soap, take Ghost and get the men ready. Oh and take the Cribs people with you. Out!" He replies as he shoved everyone out the door.
"Can I have everyone's- MEAT! Stop screwing around back there! Now listen everybody we have some visitors from a TV show and there here to tour our base. I expect everyone to be on their best behavior, Meat. OK so let's just start this." Mactavish told the men. He then looked at Erin and Jacob. "Are you two ready?" he questions.
Jacob and Erin exchange goofy looks. "YEEEEAAH BOI!" they respond in unison. The camera began rolling.
"Wass up everyone! J-dawg and Peeps are in the hizouse!" Erin shouts into the camera.
Jacob smirks, throwing deuces up. "That's right! We're finally ready to tour the home of T to the Fizzle one foe one." Jacob added in. The camera then looked to Mactavish, Ghost, and Price who had just finished his paperwork.
"Hey, hey COD! Were T-Fizzle 141 and this is our Crib!" they said struggling in the ghetto talk. The TV rap intro plays as the camera pans the base showing many soldiers playing grabass.
They follow Mactavish to the kitchen. "This is the fridge. Where I keep all me scotch." He states, pulling out a bottle of the whiskey. Just as he's about to take a drink he gets knocked off his feet by a passing Worm. "Oi Numpty! Watch where your going!" Mactavish orders after the speeding Worm.
All of a sudden Meat comes running in, crying his eyes out. "Whaaaaaaaaaaa!" he cries.
Mactavish quickly got on his feet. "Meat what happened? Did you have another accident?" he asks, confused at the young man's tears.
"NO! Worm stole my gummy bears and he won't give em back!" Meat sniffs as he continued sobbing.
Mactavish rolls his eyes, "O bloody hell! Royce!" he calls. Royce comes up at the mention of his name.
"Yo!" Royce greets, smiling at the camera before turning his attention to Mactavish.
"Worm stole Meat's gummy bears and I need you to get em back for him. Can you handle it?" Mactavish asks seriously.
Royce nods shortly, "Word." Royce replies as he took off in worm's direction.
"Sorry about that everyone. Things get a little cr-!" Mactavish began but was cut of by Roach and Ozone running into the room.
Roach points at Ozone accusingly. "Captain! Ozone keeps licking his finger and stickin it in my ear! Roach whines.
"You moron! It's called a wet Willie!" Ozone replies, giving him yet another wet Willie. Roach and Ozone then get into a minor shove fight until Mactavish breaks it up.
"That's enough out of both of you!" He said, stepping in between the two, "I'm ashamed of you two! We have guests and you're being very disrespectful! You're both on cell duty! Go! Go!" He orders, pushing them towards the door.
Roach pouts childishly, "Man why do I always hafta! I hate cell duty!" Roach shouts in a whiney voice as he and Ozone head to clean the cells.
They all walk into a room fill with people working at computers and a large screen at the end. "This is the communications, where we keep in contact with our squads." Mactavish explained.
Erin stares at the big screen awestruck. "Wow! Whazzat?" She questions, pointing to the screen.
"Oh that old thing? That's just where we control the predator drones that protect the base." Mactavish replies casually.
Erin jumps with excitement. "Ooh! I've always wanted to mess with one of those! Do you mind if I try?" She asks, looking up at Mactavish with puppy dog eyes. Mactavish looks over to Price who nods in approval.
"Well I don't see why not. Go for it." He assures, handing her the controller. She begins flying the UAV around, doing barrel rolls and all sorts of other stunts.
Until her curiosity got the better of her. "Hey what's this big red button do?" she questions, her finger hovering over a particularly big red button.
Mactavish begins to panic "Oi, lass! Don't be pressin that!" he starts. But it's too late for she already fired a missile right into a parked car. Alarms started ringing all around the base and everyone in the room began panicking.
"What the fuck happened!" A random soldier screeched.
Price laughs uneasy, "Everything is fine now get back to work! Soap, Ghost! Get everything sorted here!" Price orders as he leads Erin, Jacob, and the camera guy out of the room. Price then leads them to the lounge while trying to think up some gangsta talk. Being an Englishman and a little older he wasn't very knowledgeable of gang slang. "Um this playace rightt hur is da lizounge! Where wes a always be a drankin and a wankin!" he stutters out, not doing to well with this new found dialect. Erin and Jacob begin cracking up at the last word. "Um do you people like parties?" Price asks, trying to cover up that gay sounding statement.
Jacob and Erin both exchange a look while the camera guy silently prayed. "Hell yeah!" they both replied.
"Fuck my life!" The camera guy groans.
Later that night...
We see everyone on the base partying in the mess hall and as usual, Erin and Jacob are the life of the party. The camera guy walks up to Jacob and Erin who are both dancing very drunkenly. "Guys! Aren't we supposed to be doing the freaking show?" he reminds them stiffly.
Jacob looked at him and pointed. "Ya mean like I did yo mama!" he slurred.
Erin began to snicker. "Tha wash funny J-dawg but we should go find some cool shit to look at." She said, swaying drunkenly.
"Ooh! I know let's go sneak into Shepherd's office!" Jacob suggested.
The cameraman gulps, "But Price told us that's off limits!" The camera guy said, trying to reason with them. They ignore him, grabbing a few bottles of booze and heading out of the room. The camera guy sighed but followed them in fear of another one of their savage beatings. They walked down the hallway, stealthily checking their corners along the way. They went to the door at the end of the hall.
The inscription on the door read: GENERAL M. SHEPHERD. "Hmm wonder what m stands for." Jacob murmured as pulled out a RPG to blow open the door.
"J-dawg no!" the camera guy hisses as he tackled Jacob.
Jacob glared at the man. "How else you espect ta open tha doe?" he growls defensively as he pulled himself up.
The camera guy begins sweating nervously. "Um, I don't know, use a battering ram I guess." He proposes. Jacob and Erin both smirk darkly, grabbing him and ramming him into the door, busting it down. Erin and Jacob both walk inside with the camera man following. "Macaroni salad." He mumbled entering the room, dazed.
"Jeeze! Right now? You always wanna eat at the wrong times!" Jacob states as the camera man fell onto the floor.
Erin nods knowingly, "Yes, my dear Watson, it looks as if we have a classic case of the munchies on our hands." Erin responds in agreement.
"OK now let's get back to the job at hand." Jacob said as he opens a file cabinet and pulled out a cigar box, "Ooh! Cigars!" But he's wrong, for when he opens the box he discovers many pictures. One is of Shepherd and Makarov hunting together, another show him hammered doing a Michael Jackson crotch grab and the last one is of Shepherd and Makarov having a threesome with 'Natasha'. Just as Erin and Jacob were laughing hard at the last photo, they hear footsteps and Shepherd's raspy voice from the hallway. "Oh shit its Shepherd! To the air vents!" Jacob whispers. They both climbed into them. The cameraman, being a little out of it after being used as a human battering ram, is left lying on the floor yammering about his 'macaroni salad'.
Just as the pair climbed into the vents, Shepherd appears at the door with a scantily clothed lady. "So you think you can give me a military discount?" Shepherd coos, grinning pervertedly. Just then they notice the dazed camera guy lying on the floor who glances up at Shepherd.
"Yay! It's chef boy-arr-dee! Hey can you make me some Macaroni salad?" he yells insanely. Shepherd bitch slaps him and the camera guy starts crying.
The lady places her hands on her hips, "Yo man threesomes are two hundred dolla!" the lady said. Shepherd face palms.
"He's not with me! I don't even know how the hell he got in her-!" he starts, but is cut off by one of Jacob's flash bang grenades detonating right in his face.
After crawling a short distance Jacob stopped and took and leaned against the shaft wall, "Why we stoppin J-dawg?" Erin inquires. Jacob replied by producing one of Shepherd's expensive ass cigars. "Ooh! Gimme!" Erin shouts as she tries to take a puff from the unlit cigar.
"Yo it ain't lit." Jacob points out.
Erin waves him off, "Thas OK I'll light it on myself 'cause I am on FIYA!" Erin states as she touches the cigar to herself making a hissing sound. Jacob rolls his eyes and pulls out a lighter, lighting it. Erin took a huge long puff and her eyes go wide. "J-dawg, try this! Is good!" she said. Before they knew it they had finished the cigar and were back on their little crawl through the air vents. Little did they know that the cigar they had just smoke was filled with Shepherd's 'relief' and is just starting to take its effect. "Yo J-dawg! Where are we heading" Erin slurs.
Jacob stopped abruptly and began to snicker wildly. "To the big rock candy mountain!" He comments with a grin. All this talk of sweets reminds Erin of something that she had craved earlier that day.
"Um J-dawg? When you gonna make me my cookies?" she questions bluntly.
Jacob stops, looking back. "Um! Erin, remember I can't until we get home." Jacob reminds her.
"There's an oven here, now go make em!" She spat.
Jacob shakes his head; pouting childishly, "I don't wanna." Jacob said with a frown already knowing what was coming.
Back in the mess hall, Royce and Worm hadn't gotten over the whole gummy bears incident earlier. They fight on the floor, shouting obscenities. Roach, on the other hand, had gathered quite the crowd as he is on the beer bong for the fifth time this night. Meat, being well Meat, went around the mess hall doing all sorts of crazy shit. Such as attempting to piss in the beer bong while Roach was chugging it, stealing Ghost's skull mask and running up to Price and punching him, or attempting to steal Gadget's sniper rifle which earned him a Garden Weasel being thrown straight to his balls. Price, Mactavish, Ghost all stand by the DJ booth watching this whole thing. Price sighed "Ya gotta love the boy but he sure can be a pain in the ass sometimes." He mutters dryly.
Mactavish nodded in agreement. "Too right mat-!" He began to say before being cutoff by Jacob and Erin landing in front of them. Erin tickles Jacob without mercy once again. Mactavish blinks in confusion, before moving to try and stop the tickle fight. "Hey! Break it up." He gruffs.
Erin sends him a dark look, smiling insanely, "You're NEXT, Mr. Leprechaun!" she states. Mactavish backs away slowly, fear evident in his face. Erin goes back to tickling Jacob without mercy.
"Erin! Please! I'll do anything just let me go!" Jacob screams at the top of his lungs.
Erin stopped for a moment "Anything?" She asks as he nodded swiftly. She leans over and whispers something in his ear. He quietly got up and got a beer for her. "That's a good pet." She said, patting him on his head.
All of a sudden the mess halls doors open and in walks an angry General Shepherd, face still burnt from the flash bang. "WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO MY CAR!" He shrieks as he runs towards Erin and Jacob.
Erin smiles sheepishly, "Ooh was that the thing I blew up earlier?" Erin questions, giggling to herself. Shepherd is about to explode but a voice from the intercom saves everyone.
"Attention! All Task Force 141 members! Report to the sub! You boys have a mission!" the voice informs the room. With that, everyone on base starts freaking out and running outside.
Jacob, Erin and the camera guy (Who had regained consciousness) run alongside Price. "What's going on!" Jacob inquires.
"Mission! Were gonna have to continue this tour on the sub." Price states shortly.
Erin looked at Jacob. "Shiiiit J-dawg! I think we've just been shanghaied!" she cries out.
Let's see what happens when our characters get dragged along on a mission with the Task Force! Stay tuned people.
Author's note:
:) This is a very long chapter, but it's completely and utterly hilarious! Hope you enjoy it.
Also, thank you all for the reviews. Jacob and I really appreciate it. Especially the anonymous reviews.
Pleas rate and review.