Thank you Lisa for correcting this chapter for me, I'm very grateful for your help.
Thank you for the review, Lisakodysam.
To warn readers this happens in later chapters, I put it out early because it would stop bugging me, this chapter doesn't give away anything in the storyline of Nobleman's revenge. But it give you the insight of some of Mikhail's turmoil since his injury when he found out how much it affected Gilmore and Zevran.
Leave a review and let me know what you think.
I watched him from across the fire from me, his red hair catching the glow from the flames. His head was bent low as he talked quietly with Alistair. So intent were they on their conversation that they didn't even notice me watching. I hated to admit it but I missed him. Out of everyone - including Loghain - he understood me the best. He knew how my mind worked and how far I was willing to go. The part that bothered me was that he never judged me for some of my decisions.
Even when he remembered what happened that one night, long ago, he never shunned me. Yet I shoved him away; I pushed as far as I could, taking others for lovers. Taking the one man he was worried about in body once more. He knew it; I had seen the pain in his eyes when he looked at me. I hated myself for that, but most of all I hated this confusion.
I've loved Loghain for the longest time, but when I didn't do what he wanted, he had shoved me away. Gilmore had been there for me, listening every time I needed to vent. Now I sit here contemplating my options - Gilmore or Loghain.
My mind screamed at me to go to Gilmore. But another part told me to stay with Loghain; he would get me to the throne. He would be the one to help me the most in my goal. Gilmore wouldn't be able to do what the other could.
I buried my face in my hands; stifling the groan of frustration at how complicated I've made my life. I hated this.
"Mikhail, you look like you're in pain," Gilmore smirked as he moved to take a seat beside me.
I looked up into his sky blue eyes and lost myself for a moment. He sat there patiently, waiting until I was ready to talk, not pushing me away. A tender smile blossomed on his face as he watched me with understanding in those peaceful eyes.
Without thought or recourse I dropped my forehead onto his shoulder, "how can you still look at me like that after everything I've done?" I asked quietly.
He gave a soft laugh, shaking his head at me, "you should already know that answer. You love Loghain, wouldn't you forgive him anything he did?" he asked.
"I don't know," I told him honestly.
"Then you need to ask yourself, do you actually love him?" there was no bite in his words, no malice; he was just stating something that I had been asking myself ever since I slept with Loghain.
"I don't know anymore," I whispered, unsure if he'd heard me. I hoped he didn't hear but I also hoped he had.
"What makes you doubtful now?" he asked with concern that hid happiness.
"You," I told him, meeting him square in the eyes. Without another word, I left him there, heading for my tent, where I could get some solitude. But that was a false hope, as Zevran was in there waiting for me.
"Zevran, now isn't the time; please - I need to be alone." I stated harshly, more so than I intended.
"No! Now is the time," he stated defiantly, his eyes cold and hard as he moved to block my exit.
"Let me ask you a question, first, he said. "How much do you trust this Loghain?" His shrewd eyes watched me keenly as I stalled at the question.
"Why?" I asked quietly.
"Is he someone who can help you rule? Is he someone you would trust to help you rule without looking out for his own agenda?"
"Do you have a point to make with all of this?" I asked coldly.
"After everything he's done - or claimed he had no knowledge of - do you still believe him?" Zevran asked. Damn, I didn't want to answer this question; it was the same one I had been asking myself since I was injured.
"You don't need to answer - I can see it in your eyes," he murmured. "So what will you do now?" he asked, rising to his feet. I moved out of the way so he could leave. "One thing I've learned as an Antivan Crow is that you don't need to be nobility to help someone lead," he remarked as he exited.
And there they were, the words I needed to hear but didn't want to admit to. After everything that had happened, Loghain no longer as powerful as he had once been. He had ignored the most terrible crimes and injustices in a city that he was supposed to defend. If I took the throne I couldn't do it with him at my side; the people of Ferelden would be in uproar. And I would never be able to trust him.
Well, that was part of the dilemma solved, now what about the rest….?