uhh...sorry? please, don't make the flames too bad. i know it's sorta rushed
x.X;
AAAND, this chapter is dedicated to LoStNoBoDy who got third place in my challenge! great job, hun. and Gray, yours IS coming soon, ha ha, i promise !
Disclaimer: Yada yada yada, i don't own Kingdom Hearts and Final Fantasy...whatever
REWRITE/EDITED
- Where Tear Drops Fall -
- 4 -
My therapy group, other students, and I were all sitting in the classroom, waiting for the teacher to arrive.
Today we had Health, a mandatory class we had to take every other day. I hated it. It was like school, but with even more uncomfortable lectures on boring topics in the span of two hours. Which was worse. Much, much worse.
I was in the back of the class, tapping my soft-point pen on my notebook. My right arm propped my drooping head up as I stared at the clock, already waiting for the bell to ring. The last 'students' scurried into the room and took the closest available seats possible. Sora, who was one of those last people, scanned for the nearest seat. We met my eyes for a split second, and then to the empty seat next to mine. I looked down at my scratched-up and graffiti-covered wooden desk as I felt the boy sit besides me.
My eyes lay on my small, black spiraled-notebook that sat lonely on the desk. I opened up to the last few pages, where frivolous doodles covered each page. Some where of boxes, diamonds, other shapes, or whatever I was thinking. I liked to draw droplets, too. Shading and shaping them were fun.
I finally found a blank spot, and started drawing twists and circles randomly. I felt Sora's eyes on my notebook, so I slouched over slyly, trying to cover up my drawings. I was beginning to find how snoopy this kid was.
The counselor walked in, wearing her usual blithe and sunny-side-up expression. Today, she was humming a song to herself. I think it was some song by Modest Mouse. Everyday, she would sing a different song whenever she strolled in, and I would always try to guess which it was. It was another little game I had to pass the time. I tended to depend on them to retain my sanity.
She set her books down –her humming ceasing- and walked up to the board with a broad smile playing at her lips.
"Hello everybody!" she clasped her hands together. No one answered, "My name is Rikku, for those of you who are new, and I will be your Health counselor." Her thin, sunny hair was tied up in a reckless bun with strands falling into her face. Peridot jewels of eyes shone in the bright lights of the classroom.
"I will be giving out small spiraled-notebooks to all new students, which will be used for Journals and notes, shortly. At the end of each Health class, each student must show me their two entries that were to be done by that day. Journal entries will be on the right side of the notebook, and daily assignments on the left. Any questions?" Rikku explained, and then looked around expectantly. No one moved.
"Alright then, all new people please come up!"
Rikku smiled as three students who, one being Sora, walked up and received their notebooks.
Rikku began to write the daily assignment on the board, the signal for conversation to erupt in the classroom. Rikku didn't seem to mind, I think she was humming her song again.
I felt Sora's eyes on me again, and then made the mistake of looking up at him. He grinned, and then bent forwards towards me.
"Hey Kai." He grinned. I refrained myself from looking at him. I continued drawing. I could hear him tapping his pen rapidly on his desk in boredom. I stopped doodling, set down my pen, and crossed my arms across my chest.
"Say Kairi, is this class fun?"
I looked at him, and made a small scoff. I think he understood, because he smiled at me. I felt a gnawing, pleasurable pain in my stomach.
As everyone received their notebooks, Rikku turned back to the board. I squinted my eyes so I could see her tiny handwriting.
"Okay, for the next week we will be talking about eating disorders and diets, the next, depression and loss, the one after that, drugs, alcohol, and addictions, and then lastly, self inflictions. Because in order to tackle our problems, it is important to understand them first." Rikku explained as she paced across the classroom.
Something made me look to my right, and I saw Sora, unusually stiff and uncomfortable. I wrinkled my nose. I do that a lot.
"But for today, we will be talking about first signs of eating disorders. So open up to the left side of your notebooks, and start copying!" she grinned excitedly, and then skipped back to her desk. I opened my notebook to a new page, and began to write:
Anorexia:
-Loss of at least 3 consecutive menstrual periods (in women)
-Not wanting or refusing to eat in public
-Anxiety
-Weakness
-Brittle skin
-Shortness of breath
-Obsessive-ness over Calorie intake
-Over-exercising
-Use of baggy clothing
-Complaining of feeling cold even in normal, to hot weather days
Bulimia:
-Excusing one's to the bathroom self after a meal
-Eating excessively
-Dental issues
-Weakness
-Anxiety
-Use of laxatives or other stool softeners
I wrote it all down as quickly as I could in my notebook, and then set my pen down. I leaned back, and crossed my arms over my chest rightfully. I looked around the room. My eyes first settled on Namine, who was playing with locks of golden hair in a bored fashion, obviously tired of this subject already. I wondered how she could treat a subject to close to home with such indifference. I didn't understand at first. But then I realized how much weight and form she had gained since the scrawny little toothpick that first walked in here. And…she seemed happier, able to accept herself better than before. Even though she is still the same old edgy and persistent Namine…
She's getting better, I decided, but she still obsesses about how her clothes look on her. At least she's eating decently for her condition, though. I felt an odd sort of satisfaction as her improvement. But then I remembered that we weren't actually friends, so I tried to shake it off.
My eyes then wandered to Selphie who was playing with her coffee hair a little uncomfortably. I watched as her chewed-down fingernails chipped away at the bottom of her desk. My nose wrinkled, but then I realized in what condition Selphie really was when she first came in. She had been hospitalized before coming, and received intense psychotherapy and even stayed in a secluded dorm away from most 'students'.
I frowned. But then Rikku cleared her throat signaling her speech.
"Everyone finished?" people nodded, and she continued, "Well, today we'll start with what might cause these eating disorders. Does anyone have any ideas?" the blond stopped, and looked around for hands.
And, of course, being Sora, the brunette raised his hand eagerly. Rikku smiled, and softly pointed her finger at him.
"Well, probably dramatic childhoods, right?" he asked at the edge of his seat. Rikku smiled. "And what's your name, Mr. Hyper?"
Sora grinned even more, "Sora." A few kids chuckled at his behavior, and I just scoffed (maybe a half-laugh?) quietly.
"You're right. A lot of these troubles can be caused by childhood drama, like a lot of other disorders and problems. But there could be other causes, too. Like losses of loved ones, sudden change in environment, or anything else that might frighten or depress someone."
"There are other eating disorders as well, some that aren't even named. Most of the people who suffer from eating disorders have dismorphia, which is where the victim looks in the mirror and sees a completely different body. For example, like many people with bulimia or anorexia, they may see fat or a large figure, and can't even realize how dangerously thin they are."
"Or," she smiled, and stepped up closer to the class, "you could be completely obese and fat and look in the mirror and see a Carmen Electra body." The class laughed and smiled. "Yup, its true! They are also in denial, and buy way too fitted shirts…" the class laughed again as she impersonated a chubby person.
Well that was harsh, I thought. Rikku was probably taking it to the extreme, and not really realizing that people might be like that around here. She did that a lot and just gets so caught up in her joke or speech, she forgets where she's working. Sometimes, I wondered who exactly hired some of them. I knew that it was in honest jest, but the giggles were more uncomfortable than bona fide.
The bell sounded through the hallways, and the laughing immediately halted as everyone crowded through the door. I look my time, however. I wasn't going to be another lunatic who made a huge deal out of getting to dinner.
As everyone was by the door, Selphie, Sora, Namine, and I straggled behind and watched as Tifa rammed into the befuddled mob and shoved them out the door. Everyone cleared the doorway, thanks to Tifa, and Namine strut behind her with her neck help high, ready to push any last laggards.
I headed for the door and noticed that Sora was right behind me. I looked over my shoulder, not at Sora, but at Selphie, who was having trouble with her notebooks. I stopped to measure if I had the emotional and physical energy to go over and help her, but Sora, not noticing that I had stopped, knocked into me and pushed me through the door. And yet again, like every other time, I lost my balance and fell on the hard tile floor. He dropped next to me.
"Oh my god, Kairi! I'm so sorry!" he apologized sincerely, gritting his teeth in a questionable manner. I kept my eyes straight, and recuperated from my awkward position. I shook my head, signaling it was fine, grabbed my books and strut down the hallway as fast I could.
Right as I was about to turn the corner, I turned back, and saw Sora hitting himself of the forehead, and muttering stupid words. I almost smiled. Almost.
We sat in the dining hall's unstable tables again as Namine continued to complain about the food. But I think we were all relieved that at least someone was talking.
Namine glared at her pizza, "I can't believe I have to eat this." Her shoulders slumped as she grinded her teeth. "And look how greasy it is! It's disgusting!" Namine whipped the surface of the glistening slice of pizza with a gray napkin, and gagged at the amount of grease that resided on it. Okay, she had a point. I looked down at my pizza, half eaten as it was, and then politely pushed it away. I rested my hand on my face and stared at the plastic table cover.
It was quiet again. Why did our table have to be so awkward?
Axel took a bite, and swallowed it. "Well, have you tried to taste it?" The redhead said with a roll of his emerald eyes and copied my position.
"Well Axel, have you even looked at it?" Namine hissed back at her least favorite person in the world. Axel rolled his eyes again, his favorite pass-time.
My eyes cast to Sora, who's plate was empty. "Well, it wasn't so bad. A little soggy, but fine to me." Sora pointed out as he played with the edges of his plate.
"A little?" Namine almost roared. But I didn't notice Tifa's reddening face until then.
"I know, why don't you all just SHUT THE HELL UP? Who cares about the god-damned pizza anyways? Does it really have to be topic of debate? Pizza? Really? What has happened to us?" Tifa was now leaning over the table with embers in her eyes as her raven hair swung loosely past her shoulders. It was silent as we swallowed her words. Vitriolic tone aside, Tifa was right. Kairi could barely remember the last time the table talked about something of substance and interest. Something other than the standard opening movie or what food filled out stomach. I mean, I already knew this place was driving me crazy, but this time it really hit me. What had happened to our personalities? What had happened our spirits? This troubled me. My train of thought was interrupted.
"Umm...Tifa? You hair is in my pizza…" Selphie squeaked. Tifa literally roared, and stomped off. One of her many counselors ran over to her in haste.
"Tifa…remember our exercises? Breathe in…breathe out. Breathe in…" the councilor instructed, doing the whole hand motions and everything. Tifa twitched as she obeyed. "Good job Tifa. Now come on, lets take you to your room…" She put her arm around her and led her to the exit so she couldn't escape.
Our table was shot silent again. Tidus cleared his throat. But after that no one talked. The question of my soul continued to haunt me.
That's when I heard a soft chuckle to my right. At first it wasn't much, but then it grew into hysterics. My eyes widened. Laughing at Tifa was sure death.
The whole table shushed Sora, and he had to bite his lip to stop from laughing. He was now shaking, and his hair was bouncing up and down.
"Oh stop laughing, retard." Axel mumbled grumpily. I looked into Roxas's eyes for a brief moment, and I could tell he was finding this amusing.
"Whatever." Namine sighed as she excused herself from the table after clearing her place. Selphie left too, as usual, and walked towards the doors, was checked by the counselor guard, and disappeared behind the swinging doors. I looked back at where she was sitting and noticed she hadn't cleared her place.
Aerith sighed, "Hmm…Selphie forgot to clean up again. I'll do it for her." She began to attempt to get up, but Roxas interjected.
"Aerith, sit. I'll get it." He told her, and he jumped out of the bench cleared his plate, Aerith's, and Selphie's empty one. He walked back a moment later and sat down again. I then noticed he was looking at me oddly. Sora seemed to notice his gaze, and glanced at me too.
"Kairi…you're bleeding." Sora told me softly, reaching over to my other cheek. I stiffened, turned away from him, and let my fingertips hover to the apparent scratch. It must have been when Sora accidentally pushed me, I thought. I stood up, and started to leave the table.
"Where are you going, Kairi?" Sora asked, eyes shining. I looked down and bit my lip, deciding whether or not I should say anything. "Bathroom…" I mumbled. He nodded. Axel perked up and began to mock clap with a stupid grin plastered on his long face. I rolled my eyes, and Roxas looked like he was about to punch him.
I turned away, placed my hands in my navy hoody's pocket and walked towards the exit door. The guard looked me over, and nodded her head. I slipped past the doors and headed toward the bathrooms to clean up my cut. The sticky blood was probably in my hair by now. It was a miracle the counselor guard did not stop me.
As I walked automatically through the hallways, I began to think why I hadn't felt the cut, and how much I wanted to.
I reached the girl's bathroom and walked in. The bathroom attendant was on her dinner break like always, which was good, because she would probably report me thinking I cut my self on purpose.
I carefully walked towards the glistening, wet pearl sinks, considering the floor was slippery again. The bathrooms were always wet for some reason. I think there was even an accident where someone fell and hit her head on the floor a few weeks ago. I shook my head and reached the sink. I turned the knob and watched as the water cascaded thickly out of the furnace. I first washed my hands, and then reached for a paper towel, wet it, and then looked at myself in the mirror. I hadn't looked into the mirror in a while, I thought. My thin, raspberry hair was basically a slobby mess as it rest on my shoulders. My skin was paler, along with my lips. And my violet eyes that I used to be so fond of were now worn away and tired.
What has happened to me? Tifa's tirade echoed in my thoughts. I didn't want to waste away.
A murmur came to the back of my head: Riku happened. I shook my head, along with my thoughts, and began to wipe the cut with the damp paper. It stung, just a little. And I sighed. I looked at the pink-stained cloth and tossed it into the trash uncaringly. My eyes flashed to the reflection of my dirty face again. I cringed, and ran the water again. I scooped the icy liquid in my palms and splashed it on my face. It felt good. It felt really good. I felt like my senses had cleared, along with the tiredness for a brief second. I had forgotten the joy of refreshment. I remembered that it had once been part of my nightly routine. But that was a different person.
Suddenly, I smelled something sour in the air. I wrinkled my nose and sniffed. It was an odd smell. One i knew, yet couldn't put my finger on. Still mulling over curious odor, I jumped as I heard a flushing sound from one of the stalls. My curiousity prickled so I leaned back to see the row of toilet stalls.
A door swung open, slowly though, and out came a brunette: Selphie. Her head was down, not noticing me and ruffled her hair. She had a can of cheap air freshener and a toothbrush in her hand. My eyes widened as she looked up at me, and so did hers.
It must have looked strange, really. Two petite teenagers standing in the middle of a slippery bathroom, one wearing a dark hoodie and was too pale for her own good, and the other one brightly dressed holding Lysol and a toothbrush. Not to mention the both of them wide eyes. But that was all beyond the point.
Her green eyes flashed from side to side, and opened her mouth to speak. Nothing came out. She tried again, "I-I was…" she looked up at me again, fear rising, "I…" My astonished eyes pierced hers as she looked across the floor. The reality of the situation struck me hard. I could feel it in my gut. Suddenly, I thought of my soul, and then of hers. My throat went dry.
Suddenly, she dropped the items on the floor and the sound echoed through the tiled room. The girl began to shake and sputter. The bubbly brunette. The idol to many young and new patients. The girl who was going to graduate out of this place after long months of staying here. The girl who was named a success; just a charade. I couldn't move.
I heard a piercing sob emit from her mouth. "I-I was getting better…I swear! It's just-just after Rinoa left, and Tidus doesn't talk anymore…and-and…" The girl fell to her knees and covered her hands with her face. I quickly kneeled down next to her.
"Just…please don't tell anyone, Kairi! I can get better before I graduate. I've done it before, and I'll do it again!" she cried, clenching her fists as she gave me a pleading look. Her voice was tight and her vermilion eyes were shining. They were scanning my face for some kind of hope.
I looked into her eyes for a long while. "Please? Please, please, please…"she began to beg desperately. She touched my hand, but my eyes wouldn't leave hers. I was disappointed in the deepest sense my heart would allow. Because maybe, in the smallest sense, I looked up to her, and now her future was in my arms, right this second. If Selphie Timlett couldn't get better, could this mean I could never get better either? That I will always stay here, and never truly improve like the pathetic girl before me? I didn't want to stay here forever. I wanted hope. Did I have any?
My eyes softened and I felt them sting slightly. The final judgment, I shook my head.
Her eyes sprang open in horror, and she began to bawl her eyes out as she fell to the side and cowered into a ball. I stood up quickly, stumbled backwards, and then almost ran out of the bathroom to get some kind of attendant. But as the air ripped at my lungs and my legs quickly began to cramp from lack of use…there was only one thing on my mind.
I did not want to end up like Selphie Timlitt.