Part 5
White on white on white.
Usually a few shadows gave depth and contour to the frozen fortress but now the intense light saturated the space, bouncing off all surfaces, and masking the damage Zod had inflicted.
The light danced over Chloe too, but for her the light did not conceal anything. She sat as if in a spotlight, no place to hide, no reason to run. Deep from the hidden places in her soul, her truths emerged about her loves and her dreams. They basked in the brightness, gaining strength and boldness and becoming impossible to conceal again. Did the light bring the truth or was it merely an eyewitness to what she needed to reveal?
The Fortress hadn't always been a place of truth. Jor-El used this temple of learning to instruct Clark, but the lessons given came with secrets and manipulation.
Rule them with Strength.
Chloe couldn't imagine what Clark's life would have been like had he taken the path Jor-El's AI originally planned for him.
Over the years, the paternal computer made extreme demands, often with horrendous results, but she realized now it kept trying to adapt, trying to find the right programming to fulfill its purpose. Had Clark survived and stayed on earth, his fortress would have grown from a prison to a haven. Now it would become his final tomb.
Chloe liked to imagine that along with the boundless knowledge of a lost civilization, her final truths might also be enshrined into the future.
"I love you Clark," she whispered against his temple. "Not only as my best friend, not as just a kind of extended family, but with every scrap of my affection, frustration, and passion - every bit of my being. I've loved you from the beginning and I know now, some things never end. Maybe you were never really mine, but you were always mine to love."
She sniffed. "The last time I told you my feelings you were unconscious. Boy, did I do one better this time." Her voice broke into a sob. "What I wouldn't give now to hear you say Lana's name."
"Chloe."
She smiled through her tears. Her delusions were beginning to feel incredibly real and her final fantasies were kind ones. She loved the resonant sound of Clark's voice. He pronounced her name as if it was a fantastic discovery, said with affection, and brimming with gladness. She kept her eyes closed, reveling in a moment of make believe. She kissed his forehead and rubbed her cheek against his. She could almost feel his breath brushing over her lips. She slid her fingers into his silky hair and, unwilling to resist the urge, pressed her lips to his one final time.
They remained soft and supple and to her delight, her delusion deepened and Clark seemed to respond with a light pressure and then a deepening answer. The hand she had held turned and laced their fingers together –against all odds, them taking on the world. She imagined his other hand lifted and gently cupped the back of her neck, angling her head so he could have greater access. His mouth slanted against hers, taking the kiss to another place, a place she dreamed about late at night. Heat curled out from her stomach. The kiss matched and then exceeded the one she remembered in the Planet's basement. She held nothing back, riding the wave of sensation. Something tickled the back of her consciousness.
Her imagination wasn't this good.
She froze. This was no fantasy. She could hear him breathing, feel the heat coming off his body. Her eyes fluttered open. A pair of piercing blue-green eyes returned her gaze. Her heart pounded erratically and her vision swam. "Clark?" She feebly questioned, hardly daring to believe.
Clark stared back at Chloe, catching his breath from the intensity of their kiss. He'd been awakening slowly over time, drenched the in warm rays from the yellow sun that knitted his body back together while his emotions swam through a sea of murmured words of friendship and love. The words flowed over him, filling the emptiness he'd been desperate to ignore.
As he'd struggled to awake, his sluggish mind hadn't been able to give a name to the owner of the voice. It belonged to a woman – he knew it by the lilting tone of her caring words, by the softness of his pillow and by the comfort of her gentle touches. Just hearing her made him happy. The voice made him think of home and acceptance and at the same time filled him certainty about the future. He knew the luring call didn't come from his mother. The brush of her hand stirred his senses and brought with it an aching longing.
Affection and yearning for the voice built in him as he tried to break free of unconsciousness. The answer was so easy, but just beyond his reach. He felt impatient. He'd been without her for too long.
He listened as she spoke. Why would he let her go? She provided the answer. Ah, Jor-El. Of course, that only made sense. No one in complete control of his or her mind would willingly walk away from this feeling.
What was her name? A name was magic, a summons to a soul. Maybe he was dreaming. Didn't matter. He didn't want to wake up without an answer.
The dream voice turned to talk of love again and his mind filtered through his past. Not Lana, their love never brought comfort, never made him feel strong, and; he had decided; was never meant to last.
He spared a momentary thought to his brief time with Kyla and Alicia but let them slide past without comparison. The connection he felt was too vital for those fleeting associations. The voice should belong to Lois, he loved…wait, that wasn't right. Why would he think that?
Who uttered the seductive, soft tones pulling him to consciousness? The answer came to him suddenly. It was so simple. Joy curled around his heart. Of course, there could be no other.
Clark had opened his eyes to see her beautifully familiar face hovering a breath away. Her golden hair was a glowing nimbus, backlit by the healing sun. She was his guardian angel when it should be the other way around. He sighed her name with pleasure and wonder.
She was breathtaking. She was his constant, his greatest need. She wasn't perfect; she kept pushing him away, but now she was here, smiling dreamily and pressing her soft lips to his forehead.
He wanted more. Her silky cheek brushed against his and he felt his breath quicken. Her fingers slid across his scalp into his hair, leaving behind a wake of tingles and then finally, the lips he craved pressed against his. Even her gentle touch roused something powerful and heated, prompting Clark to take control of the kiss. She matched his urgency. Desire bolted through him at her open response. Then she suddenly froze and pulled back. She opened her eyes and it was her turn to whisper his name.
He let go of her and slowly sat up, never breaking eye contact. Something fell from his shoulders - a cape perhaps - uncovering his torn shirt. As he moved, the gaping tears in the form fitting black tee showed off nothing but smooth golden skin. Clark suddenly remembered his fight with Zod ant the fiery agony of the dagger plunged in his abdomen. His wounds were gone but Chloe's eyes dropped to stare at where they had been.
Wrinkling her brow and pursing her lips, Chloe tentatively placed her hand over his heart, her fingers slipping inside his shirt at the long horizontal rip across his chest. She rested her palm, letting it warm against his skin. Her light, cool touch made his heart pound and she snatched back her trembling hand. Her whole body shook and her breath hitched in short, unnatural, little gasps.
Clark lifted his hand and brushed back a few strands of hair from her face, needing a reason to touch her. She closed her eyes and leaned into his caress. He whispered, "Hey," and smiled. His best friend and greatest ally opened her eyes once more and this time he saw belief and understanding expand in her green eyes - right before they unfocused, rolled back into her head, and she slumped forward.
Clark instantly shed the last of his waking haze. The warm lethargy vanished as he scooped Chloe up in his arms, his heart thudding in fear. He realized for the first time he was at the fortress and he couldn't remember getting there. That never boded well.
The last thing he remembered was the fight on the roof. He took the blue kryptonite knife away from Zod so Krypton's destroyer would never again threaten Earth. The vortex created by the Book of Rao pulled Zod into the new home dimension for Kandorians. He would not escape retribution.
Then Clark recalled a rush of wind as he fell, followed by the pain and the jolt of not crashing to the ground. Something caught him. No, someone caught him. The rest of his memories until waking in Chloe's embrace were a jumble of hurt and fear. Not his fear, the pain took all his attention. Someone kept calling his name, begging him to keep fighting, not to leave her. He looked down at the crumpled figure cradled against his chest and knew he was remembering her fear. Now he felt his own.
He raised his voice and urgently called for his father. "Jor-El! Answer me! Jor-El!"
"It is good to have you back my son."
"What did you do to Chloe?" He accused, his jaw working back and forth, trying to contain his terror. "I was dead, wasn't I? I was dead and she brought me here." Belatedly, Clark used his x-ray vision to scan the area and confirmed they were alone. His heart stuttered. Until he moved the new crystal interface to the fortress, Chloe couldn't use the portal to return home so how had she planned to get home?
Had her plans included going home?
His stomach knotted. "Answer me! Tell me she didn't…please, no, tell me she didn't offer a trade," he begged Jor-El for an answer while at the same time he was terrified of the one he would receive. He knew Chloe's generous heart too well.
"Indeed, she did offer her life up in exchange."
Clark held her tighter, "NO!" He shouted backing away. "Not Chloe. Not Chloe! You can't have her. Give her back to me," he pleaded. "I need her." An agony, more deadly than kryptonite, clutched at his heart.
"Be at peace my son, she is untouched."
He staggered back in relief. "What? You said she offered..."
"The offer has value on its own merits, but as I told the fierce one, there was nothing for me to do to save you. The arriving dawn coming through the fortress walls healed you with no interference on my part."
Somehow, Clark doubted Jor-El had been as clear with Chloe as he was now. Clark had read Chloe's face before she passed out. She'd seen a ghost.
"If you did nothing to her, why did she collapse?" Clark could tell she was cold but not on the edge of severe hypothermia as she'd been on her very first visit to the fortress. He looked around and saw a red blanket, one he recognized as a Queen Industries experimental polymer. In addition to being unusually tough, it also was an effective insulator.
"Her exhaustion is easy to sense."
As Clark laid Chloe on the red blanket, wrapping it around her and using his heat vision to warm it like an electric blanket, memories crashed through his mind. Chloe trapped in Watchtower and then rushing to Met General to kill and save Tess in one-step. Chloe's return to the tower and working all day and night to restore Watchtower to full function. Chloe confessing her fear the job would keep consuming her life until there was nothing left. He urging her to keep going, knowing she would never refuse him when he told her he needed her.
Had Chloe even left Watchtower since Checkmate hacked her system? His memory jumped to when he had brought the Book of Rao to show Chloe. He'd glimpsed her trashcan overflowing with used filters, coffee grounds, and take out boxes. Water bottles and soda cans filled the adjacent recycling bin. Knowing Chloe, the only rest she'd taken was the kind that snuck up and knocked her out over the keyboard.
How could he have let her push herself that hard? More memories of the recent year began crowding his mind, feelings and thoughts that were familiar, yet foreign. He shook his head, trying to clear his thoughts.
He stood and turned back to his father. "Something's not right. Jor-El, my mind, it's not my own. I could never...," he sucked in his breath, his mind forcing him back to the day he stood over Jimmy's dried blood and turned his back on everything he'd fought to come home to. How could that be right? That wasn't what he planned. He was going to tell her and then he was never going to let her out of his sight again.
Chloe vanished with Davis and Clark finally understood how deeply his feelings ran. Every minute she was missing, he felt his control slipping and his concentration fracturing. Every hour passing felt empty and wrong.
He vowed to find her, bring her home and set her straight about saving him. She did it every day by being in his life. He was finished with noble sentiments about leaving her to lead a normal life away from the dangers that stalked him. He was through giving her time to get over her divorce to a man that needed her to be weak before he could be strong. Clark knew then he was done with backing away and being patient. Giving Chloe space did nothing but leave her vulnerable and alone.
Clark vowed he would find her, no matter what it took. He needed her. She was a part of him. How then could he have walked away from all he was feeling? The question sparked a memory. The voice, Chloe's voice, had answered that question. Jor-El had done something.
Clark went rigid. "What did she mean? Jor-El!" His shout shook the fortress walls. "What did you do to me?" There was a heavy pause before he received a cryptic reply.
"Dwell not on what is no longer. Take the answers and seek the question. My actions will not repeat."
Jor-El's assurance did not reassure, instead, confirmation of his betray punched Clark in the gut. "That's not good enough! How could you take so much from me?" He demanded. He remembered the destruction dealt to the earth before they'd changed the timeline. A timeline where he'd completely turned his back on Chloe and everything else that mattered to him. Jor-El's interference came close to condemning the world. "Do you have any clue as to what you did? You messed with more than just my life."
Unfortunately, like all too often, Jor-El was not forthcoming about his actions. Suddenly the AI changed tone.
"Be well my son; she awakes."
As a distraction, it was a good one. While Clark focused on Chloe stirring in her warm cocoon, Jor-El's presence slinked away. Clark crouched next to her, brushing back her hair so he could see her face.
Groggy, Chloe blinked against the bright light. Scrunching her eyes shut she turned away and muttered, "Too bright."
The light was coming from all around so in order to block it, Clark knelt and shifted so he was hovering over her, straddling her body to do so. With the painful glare blocked, she blinked a few times, refusing at first to do anything but look straight ahead at his chest. Tentatively, she reached out, crumpled a handful of his torn t-shirt in her fist and only then, raised her eyes to his. He tenderly smoothed his hand through her hair again and her hesitancy vanished. She leaned forward and threw her arms around his neck, squeezing him tightly. He enfolded her in his arms, the feeling natural and right.
A shudder went through Chloe. "I didn't think I'd ever get to hold you again," she whispered, clinging to him as if she was never going to let him go. He held on tighter trying to ensure it. He shut his eyes against a stinging sensation.
More flashes of the past year went through his mind. The absurd mixed with the shocking. Talking to Lois as the Blur; ignoring Chloe's phone calls. Telling Lois she was the most trustworthy person he knew; using Chloe for answers but shutting her out of his life. Thinking Lois was THE one because of how he felt to have someone throw their arms around him when he returned; shoving Chloe to the floor for creating the same weapons stashes he'd seen save the future – and knowing a part of him wanted to do it RedK or no RedK.
He wouldn't have blamed Chloe if she never wanted to seem him again, but all through the last year she left the door open to their friendship and in the previous weeks, he'd found himself crawling through it to apologize and try to win back what he'd lost even as he irrationally continued to keep her at a distance. It was a miracle she was here in his arms now. The strength of her heart put all of his abilities to shame.
"I'm sorry Chloe, I'm so sorry," he told her sliding the silky cool strands of her hair between his fingers. "This last year, I treated you so wrong. I needed you, kept feeling myself drawn back to you and at the same time it was as if I was trying to punish you for making me feel that way. I hurt you over and over."
"Shh, I don't want to talk about that." If possible, she tightened her hold, "Please, I just need a little more time."
"More time for what?"
"For this. Just don't let go yet. Please, not yet, I can't…"
Her voice cracked and Clark felt her tears dampen his neck. He didn't entirely understand the urgency of her plea, but he couldn't stand to hear her pain. "It's ok, I'm not going anywhere," he murmured against her hair and stroked her back."
Chloe's heart pounded. Her hands trembled. She clung to him, one point of clarity in the swirling chaos of her heart and mind. Clark was alive! He was here, safe from Zod, warm and strong, his heartbeat steady under her ear and for the moment, nothing else in the world mattered.
And yet, she knew it wouldn't be enough. She'd been in this moment before, a taste of her dreams before wrenching reality. There was one big difference this time. Thinking this was the end, she'd broken her rules and dropped any safeguards on her heart.
How was she supposed to go back to the way things were? How would she survive the agony of Clark's inevitably gentle but non the less firm rejection?
She had no answers, no way of turning back and knowing how this would end didn't change how she felt or what she needed. Perhaps knowing she was going to lose it all made her feel everything with sharper intensity. Holding Clark, feeling his arms around her wasn't enough. She needed more and needed to give more. When he sent her away this time, she couldn't come back, but she refused to leave with more regrets.
Chloe's hold on Clark subtly changed. Her hands stopped their panicked clinging and shifted to a firm glide over his neck and shoulders. He felt so good in her arms, his body melding to hers. Her palms molded against his muscles and tendons, testing the warm resiliency of his skin. Perhaps without Clark consciously thinking about it, his hands mirrored her actions. They skimmed up and down her spine leaving a shivery trail.
She looped her arms around his neck, her fingers toying with the dark curls at the nape of his neck, and tilted her head back to look at the handsome boy who became the stunning man. His hot gaze locked with hers and Chloe felt her breath catch in the back of her throat. A wave of heat washed over her.
Clark moved forward, forcing her to lean back until she rested again on the blanket shielding her from the snowy floor. He followed her down, his lips finding hers and her body melting beneath his as she let go of a lost tomorrow and concentrated on taking the most from today.
She lifted her head and began to press her lips against his throat, feeling his life force thrumming at his pulse point. She lightly nibbled underneath his jaw and felt a shudder go through him. She thrilled to feel Clark affected by her touch.
She loved the feel of his weight against her, the solid planes of his chest, and the strength of his corded thigh coming to rest between her parted knees. He could have crushed her, but he moderated his strength and she shivered at the power he kept firmly in check. She let a wave of giddy happiness rush through her and then snickered in her head at the word let, as if she was in any kind of control, but then she didn't want to be. Maybe for the moment, Clark didn't want to be either because the rejection she was poised to receive hadn't come. A lick of hope blossomed. Maybe she was wrong, maybe he…she shut down her train of thought and concentrated on the moment.
Clark's hand slid down her side and even through the concealing work coat, she felt the heat of his touch. How much better it would feel with out the bulky barrier. She leaned forward a bit, unzipped and started to shrug out of Martha Kent's borrowed jacket. Clark obligingly eased it back down her shoulders, stealing kisses while he opened it up. Chloe almost didn't notice when he froze in place.
As Clark pushed apart the jacket's lapels, the dark stiff stains saturating the front of Chloe's shirt burned through Clark's rushing desire. Chloe didn't notice and continued working to pull her arms out of the long sleeves. Clark's stomach clenched as she freed her arms, revealing rust colored blemishes dried in thick smears on her pale skin all the way from her wrists to where her short cap sleeves covered her shoulders. The full weight of the trauma she'd gone through slammed into him and he firmly pushed her away. His mother raised him to be a gentleman. He refused to rush things and take advantage of her vulnerable emotional state before he'd had a chance to explain about the last year. Plus as his brain began to reengage, it occurred to him he didn't want their first time together to be rolling around under the watchful eye of Jor-El.
"Chloe no, stop. We shouldn't…I can't…" he protested while pointedly looking away from her appealingly flushed face and swollen lips. He clenched his jaw, trying to get control of his passions. He wasn't a brute; he could control himself no matter how tempting Chloe felt in his arms. A moment passed with Chloe staring at him uncomprehending and then out of the corner of his eyes Clark uneasily watched a shutter drop down over the open soul that had been shining in her eyes. A thread of apprehension surged through him. Why did he feel like he'd just made a big mistake?
He sat up. "I should get you back," he suggested, not knowing how to fill the sudden awkward silence. "After you've rested and had a chance to clean up we can talk." And by talk, he meant a quick explanation, time for Chloe to call and break up with Oliver, followed by picking up where they left off. Being a gentleman had its limits.
"Talk?" Chloe blinked at him in confusion. She didn't need words to spell out what she'd known was inevitable. For a few minutes, she'd thought maybe she'd been wrong, maybe he did want her, maybe he wasn't going to reject her again.
Sometimes she really hated being right. She figured once the thrill of beating Zod and cheating death wore off Clark came to his senses. When it happened, he couldn't bear to even look at her. Was he disgusted by what he'd almost let happened? Perhaps she was being too harsh but her insides felt like broken glass. This was the end. She shook her head and forced herself to answer unemotionally. "No. There's nothing to talk about."
Clark felt a spurt of annoyance. Was Chloe was going to try to pretend nothing had happened between them? Then Clark thought of how he'd acted for the past year. This wasn't like the past. She had plenty of good reasons to be mad. Maybe waiting to explain wasn't a good idea. "Chloe, this last year, I need to explain."
"Really, there's no need." She pushed to her feet, slid her arms back in the jacket she just removed and hoped Clark would let the subject drop. Couldn't he understand every added explanation just drew out the pain?
"Chloe, there a lot I need to say."
She zipped up the jacket and lost her measured tone. "You're not listening to me," she snapped.
He frowned. She wasn't giving him a chance to explain. "Look, I know you are tired." He reached for her. "After you rest…"
"No, just, no." She pushed away his hands, his touch painful now. "Clark, I can't do this anymore."
She squeezed her eyes shut, wrapped her arms around her middle, and took a deep shuddering breath. "I can't pretend everything is alright. I can't even go back to knowing everything is all wrong but holding on anyway because…because," she searched for an answer, opening her eyes and letting a pair of tears fall down her cheeks, "because you were my best friend and I never wanted that to change," she wiped the wetness away, " but things have changed. I can't be your friend anymore."
Clark flinched and he shook his head in confusion. "I don't understand." He took a step forward but Chloe moved a pace back, the words spilling out painfully.
"I can't be your sidekick. Or the league's database." She slashed a hand through the air to punctuate each sentence. "I can't be your shoulder to cry on. I can't be some quasi stand in family. I can't…can't be," she looked up and away as more tears spilled over wetting her cheeks, "the one that believes in you and what you can accomplish in this world."
She shook her head. "Not any more. I can't be any of that. I can only be what I've always been underneath all of the other disguises but," she bit her lip trying to hold back her emotions, "that's too much for you. And I wish," her face contorted with grief, "oh god I wish I could stuff it all back inside and go on where we left off, but I can't Clark. I can't." Determination firmed up her trembling jaw. "I won't."
Chloe had spent all of what qualified as her adult life trying to remake her heart into something…less. She tried to make it safe, controlled and in the process, ruthlessly cut away the very things that fed her soul and defined who she was. Even if it meant starting over with nothing, she was finished living life in half measures.
"What are you saying?"
What was she saying? She bit her lip. "I think I'm saying goodbye."
A chill that had nothing to do with the arctic made Clark shiver. He shook his head. "You don't mean that."
"It's the only thing I can do." She nodded, understanding sinking in more as she spoke. Chloe felt a kind of numb calmness invade.
Clark felt his chest tighten. Chloe was slipping through his fingers and he didn't how to stop it from happening. He was missing something. There was something vaguely familiar about what she'd said. 'I can only be what I've always been underneath all the disguises.' No matter what disguise she wore, underneath it she was still his Chloe. He refused to believe she wanted to walk from away him. He just had to make it right. "Please, you have to give me a chance to explain about this last year. Jor-El..."
"I know Clark," she told him gently. "He told me."
"That's right, he spoke to you."
She nodded. "And Jor-El admitted he is the one who tried to make you walk away from your humanity." She dropped her eyes and looked away from the hopeful expression in Clark's eyes. "But it doesn't matter. That's not what this is about." That was partially a lie. How long would she have stayed if she'd had any hope for something to change between them? Jor-El's interference though, proved to her some things don't change.
Clark straightened up. She knew about Jor-El, but of course that wasn't enough. He thought of the countless cold ways he'd treated her in the past year. "You're right. I shouldn't make excuses, no matter what Jor-El did to me, I still am the one that took it out on you, but I can make it up to you."
"Clark, I'm not blaming you. This is me, all me." That was almost true. If she hadn't been alone in her feelings she wouldn't have to make this choice, but she loved Clark and no longer could she stand anything less in return. "For so long I had everything under control and contained but you're like a…a cancer that only gets bigger, more consuming. The only thing I can do it cut you out and hope I can heal." She turned to walk away, even if it was only a figurative step since she couldn't leave the fortress without him.
Clark didn't like even the symbolic gesture and zipped in front of her. "No, I'm not letting this happen, not now, not when I'm finally have a chance to make my life what I want."
"Some things are out of our control." She turned away from him again, sinking deeper into the numbness, but he followed her and grabbed her arm.
"Not this. No." He held firmly but gently on to her upper arms. "This isn't out of our control, I don't really know what's happening right now but you're wrong about me not listening to you. I heard you," he stressed urgently. She looked at him in confusion. "When I was waking up," he explained, "I heard you." His gaze bored into hers. "You said you loved me."
Chloe blinked and some of the blanketing numbness pulled back. "You heard that?"
"Yes." He leaned forward. "You love me and you can't pull the friends card. You said you loved me all the way. With everything."
She froze. Why was he doing this? Didn't he understand that loving him that way was the reason why she couldn't stand to stay around and not have him love her the same in return?
"Was it all just a lie?" He whispered, a vulnerable trace emerging of the shy youth to whom she'd given her first kiss.
Her eyes went wide. "No! Of course not."
"Then why?" He cupped her face. "Why won't you give me a chance to make it up to you? Why are you trying to leave me?"
"I told you," she whispered brokenly while her eyes overflowed. "I can't do this anymore."
"You can't love me anymore?" He asked while using his thumb to stroke her tear stained cheek.
She half laughed, half sobbed, "No, you stupid boy, I can't stop loving you and it will destroy me to be around you when all you ever want is your friend. Let me go, please," she begged him so softly he needed his enhanced hearing to hear her plea.
He ignored her demand. The crushing weight around his heart loosened. "Wait, you're threatening to leave because you do love me?" A big silly grin broke out on his face. He pulled her in for a tight hug. "Chloe you scared me to death. Don't ever do that again. We don't have a problem." He pulled back so he could look her in the eyes. "I love you too."
Her heart ached and she had to look away. She should have guessed after all the trauma of the night he might go to extremes to try to get her to stay. She understood that he loved her as a friend but she had more in common with Lois than he might know. She didn't have a problem sharing Clark with the world but she couldn't handle coming in second in his heart. She wasn't worried about Lana or even Lois specifically, just that she'd always know she wasn't what he really wanted.
"No Clark, you don't," she insisted, "not the way I need you to love me." She had to be strong.
"Yes I do. There isn't any way that I don't love you," he told her earnestly while running his hands up and down her back. "I think Jor-El took my feelings for you and redirected them at Lois."
Clark reviewed his memories of the past year with Lois and based on his emerging theory, they now made sense. The trust, the deep-seated certainty that they would always be together, how easy it felt to talk to her, his early urges to ask for her help with research, the feeling he got from the send off kiss, knowing she was the one from the way he felt when she ran to greet him. Clark saw what had happened with complete clarity. Everything he felt with Chloe Jor-El recreated with Lois, his real feelings coloring an illusion.
She looked at him sadly. "I told you, I know all this."
He tipped his head forward. "Then you know that I telling you the truth."
She shook her head weakly. "No, Jor-El's interference made it clear to me that my friendship was all you could ever want from me." Chloe knew she was never going to be classically beautiful in the same way as Lois or Lana and any other time in her life she was fine with that, confident of her own worth. But right now, a part of her was shriveling up inside as she had to face the reason Clark had never fallen for her had nothing to do with the depth of his affection.
"That doesn't make sense."
"Think about it. Jor-El redirected the connection we shared to Lois and you fell instantly in love." It had happened too quickly for Clark to have fallen in love based on who Lois was inside, which meant the difference could only lay with something Chloe could never change: outward appearance.
She shrugged clumsily. "You told me a long time ago that you just didn't think of me that way. I guess what you meant it you don't see me that way, but you didn't have that problem with Lois." After loving Clark for half her life and deep down clinging to the hope that one day he would figure out he felt the same way, she knew now nothing would change. Not unless she could turn into a tall, buxom brunette and she had too much self respect to bash her head against the impossible any longer. Ok, the brunette part she had covered, and Victoria Secret had some gravity defying devices that could assist in the other area, but part of her despised Clark for his shallowness.
"I didn't suddenly fall for Lois; I'd already fallen for you." He clutched at her hand.
Her heart squeezed. She wanted to reach out and smooth the deep creases in his forehead and tell him everything was going to be all right. He looked so sincere. She wanted desperately to believe him, but some facts were unchangeable. He'd let her marry Jimmy. He hosted her wedding. What was she supposed to believe? He couldn't have been already in love with her. "Please, don't make this harder than it is."
"You don't believe me?" He asked with a touch of petulant surprise.
"I don't know how I can."
Clark racked his mind for proof, for some reason for Chloe to believe he loved her before Jor-El pushed him toward Lois and came up with only one thing. He went still. Telling her that might be the one thing that insured he lost her forever.
"Well I did…do. I love you." He told her clumsily. Maybe if he just kept saying it she would recognize the truth. "I knew it the day Davis stole you away. Deep down I think I knew it the day you kissed me at the Planet except when I got back you confused me by choosing Jimmy instead, but you can't confuse me this time because I already know you love me. And you can't stop." He tilted his head. "I'm like cancer, remember," he mocked gently.
Chloe flushed at the reminder of her less than flattering comparison.
"You love me and I love you, so we don't have a problem, so no more talk of saying goodbye, ok, never again, ok?" He could hear the strain in his own voice and despite his insistence, Clark could see in Chloe's eyes that he wasn't convincing her. He swallowed hard. "You still don't believe me."
She slowly shook her head and shrugged weakly. "You walked me down the aisle and gave me to another man without so much as a murmur of protest. I can't see that as something a man in love would do."
He grasped her hand between his palms again and shook his head. "It's what I thought you wanted. You deserved a chance at a normal happy life. What I wanted didn't matter. You have to believe me." He was feeling desperate. This couldn't be happening, not now.
"I can't. If I let myself believe and then…it's too much." Chloe's voice broke. She pulled her hand free from his hold and turned away. A moment of silence stretched out and then she whispered over her shoulder. "I'll never forget you."
"Don't say that, this can't be goodbye." He clenched his fists at his sides. She was pulling away from him emotionally. His chance to make her believe was slipping away fast. He had to tell her. It was the only choice left. He had to tell her and hope that she loved him enough to forgive him for the unforgivable. "Yes I walked you down the aisle but first I had Jor-El do something so I could stand it."
Chloe's shoulders stiffened and she slowly turned around to face him, narrowing her eyes suspiciously. "You expect me to believe you asked Jor-El to play with you mind?" She stared at him incredulously.
"No, not my mind." He swallowed hard and dropped his gaze to the side, unable to look her in the eyes. "Yours."