What You Want
Chapter 2
"What? What?! WHAT?!" Lane was literally yelling at Rory. And for someone so small, she could be quite loud.
"Geesh. I am right here," Rory patiently reminded her, very understanding towards her surprise.
Lane dragged her feet over to the couch. "Hang on. I need just a minute." All five-foot-one of Lane's frame dropped backwards over the arm of the couch in her, Zach's, and Brian's apartment. "So Jess showed up? At your grandparent's place? And then you, and him, and LOGAN, all went to dinner together?" Lane's voice was incredulous.
"Well, to be fair, we didn't really get around to the dinner part."
"Rory," Lane was chiding her. "Pedantic."
"Yes, that was the general idea," Rory said, rolling her eyes and answering Lane's question.
"Thank you."
"But no food was involved."
"Well, that's good. Sounds like it could have ended worse," Lane grinned at her. "Remember your ninth birthday?"
"OH! God. I couldn't eat chili for a month. Huh," she contemplated. "I never realized why it was always finger food from there on out at birthday gatherings."
"Glad we could clear that up. Now let's focus on what's important." Lane stared at the popcorn texture on her ceilings. "Jess showed up...you haven't seen Jess since he said, 'I love you' at the Winter Carnival a couple of years ago…Was it hard seeing him again?"
Lane, her hands folded patiently behind her head and supporting its weight, was looking over at Rory. Rory thought seriously about what Lane was saying, deducing by her tone that they were entering the main essence of their conversation. "No. Not at all. It was really nice seeing him." That was the truth. If Rory was being honest with herself, it was somewhere far beyond nice to see Jess.
"Okay. How was Logan with everything?" Lane's arm sort of waved around as she asked.
There were a couple of minutes of pause before Rory actually answered. She knew that was an important question. And it was one that she had avoided, ever since departing from Logan. She remembered how disappointed she had felt when he pulled up in her grandparents' driveway, as her and Jess were about to depart. And she remembered how awkward she felt trying to make small talk with the two of them, neither helping with their hushed selves. And most importantly, she remembered how wrong it had felt, riding back with Logan, the only noise to comfort her being the annoying engine of his Porsche. His Porsche, she thought. He drove a Porsche. Geez.
Never in Rory's life did she imagine herself riding in a Porsche. Not that was what mattered. Logan was the important thing here. How was Logan with everything?
Rory started the story from her recent memories, everything sort of swirling around in her head at once. "He was a jerk to Jess." Rory paused after this, whether for dramatic effect or because she was still thinking what to say next, Lane was not sure. But the true effect was that Lane felt certain that Logan being a jerk to Jess had ruined him. It was his downfall. His Der Untergang. And then Rory continued, "He kept trying to one-up Jess. He listed author after author, book after book, in a weird attempt to compare him to literary heroes. It was…pathetic. I don't know. I went back inside after talking to Jess and he was just the same as ever. Worse, in fact. He acted as is he had been wronged. "
"La-aane!! Work! Seven AM…" Brian's voice sounded from one of the bunk beds in the corner.
Her head popped up, eyes concerned. "Oh, Brian! I'm sorry. We'll, uh…go outside." She looked at Rory. "Want some tea?"
Rory nodded, and they quietly made their way to the kitchen, where Rory filled up the kettle and turned on the heat as Lane reached for a box of teabags. She tapped incessantly at the counter, thinking away. Lane knew Jess was like a son to Luke, but she honestly never expected to see him again after he abandoned Rory. And, now – here he was, like her knight in shining armor, to be trite. But it was true. Rory had spent about an hour with Jess – and about five minutes alone with Jess, and now she was ready to pound at the ivy-covered gates of Yale for them to readmit her. There was something to be said for that kind of influence. Basically, everyone in Rory's life thought she should be attending school – Lane included – and all it took was Jess saying the words. That had to mean something very big. Rory had to see that.
Rory did see that. She turned the electric burner off before the water boiled too heavily, and picked up the kettle to fill the mugs Lane had set beside the stove. The water fell noiselessly. Inexplicably, Rory felt content.
The girls wandered into the chill November evening, coats over their shoulders, mugs in their hands, and a blanket to place over themselves. They settled on the bench outside Lane's apartment. "Where were we?" Lane asked.
"The whole time, I wanted to stop him," Rory continued, picking up where they had left off. "And I didn't. I just sat there, angry at Logan for being an insufferable ass and for showing up early. He was supposed to be in Omaha for another day! I just wanted to talk to Jess. And I knew, as soon as Logan showed up, that was not going to be a possibility. No, siree. But I still went along with the whole rouse. It was Jess who stopped it. He called Logan a 'dickhead.' To be more precise," Rory was smiling as she repeated the words, "he fairly calmly called Logan a 'blonde dickhead." She shook her head, and Lane just stared on, incredulous. She was not surprised at Jess's behavior, in the least, but rather at Rory's words. "I can't explain it, but that just made my evening. I can't tell him this, but he's right. Logan is a dickhead. He is a blonde dickhead." Rory was relived as she let it out. But a couple deep breaths later and she continued. "Okay, he's not necessarily a dickhead. At least, not all the time. But he was being one tonight. And I think I'm just really enjoying saying dickhead." She turned to Lane, who was staring. "I can't say I've ever said it before."
Lane took a moment before smiling back at her. "I should think not. It was never a part of your vernacular, Ms. Gilmore."
Rory smiled in return. She felt oddly free at the moment. It was like a continuation of the moment when Jess had reminded her how silly she was being. She knew that community service and the DAR and no college would not fulfill her. And somehow, she still needed to hear it. From who? Not from her mother, or her grandparents, but from Jess. Jess reminded her of her own self. She had drive, a voice, and she wasn't squeamish when it came time to use it. Her opinion mattered – her mother had taught her that. And at the moment, she felt ridiculous thinking of how she had suppressed her beliefs for six months. Six months! How could she have let herself do that? To utterly lie to herself as she had? It was a question she would not be capable of answering for a long time.
"Dickhead."
"Rory?"
"Yes?"
"Did you and Logan break up?"
She shook her head sadly. "No. No, we did not."
"I don't mean to be insensitive here, but why not?" Lane really hoped that she was not crossing any sort of invisible boundary. She was never any good with those – something about growing up with too many restrictions.
Rory did not answer immediately, and looked troubled. She shook her head, and wrung her hands a bit. The silence was cutting at Lane, so she spoke up. "I mean, I don't think you should necessarily, it's just after every-"
Rory cut in. "No, no. You're right. I do need to talk with Logan. I don't know. Everything was so good for awhile. We were going along steadily, but the more I think about it, the more I don't like it. Right now, we're on a break." She used air quotes as she said it. "When I went back in there I told him he was a jerk, that Jess was doing something with his life, and asked him who he thought he was to make fun, especially when I am here, doing nothing with my life."
"Rory-"
"No, you're absolutely right. Maybe he thought he was letting me be my own person, but I was seriously confused. And I don't think I want to be with someone who is content with that level of my confusion for so long. Especially over something like this. It seems fair to say that he just didn't know me at all." Rory shook her head. "I mean, sure, he knew a version of me. But my own mother didn't really like him! What was I thinking?"
"Rory, you're mom didn't really like Jess though…"
Rory nodded, staring hard at the town square in the distance as she began to slowly explain. "Yes, you're right. I know this is going to sound like an excuse, but it was different. With Jess, I could understand why my mom didn't like him. And I knew that if he could let my mom see just a fraction of who he really was – like who he was when we were alone together – we would be making progress, no problem. And my mom was a bit stubborn, too, big surprise. But with Logan, my mom wasn't imagining things. He really was – is – the spoiled brat she believed him to be. And I was the one lying to myself regarding that accusation. Did I ever tell you about the dinner at my grandparents, with the five of us?" Lane shook her head, and Rory continued. "He took this antique sewing box – a trinket of my grandmother's – and replaced it with something from another old biddie's home, the last one he had visited. He said it was 'a little Life and Death Brigade business.' Emily, being Emily, noticed immediately. And he didn't speak up. He just sat there, looking only slightly abashed. I just sat there, too! Oh, I'm pathetic. Then, my mother had to cover for him. The next day my grandmother fired the maid."
"Wow."
"Yeah. Now that I am thinking about all this, I cannot believe it took me until now to see Logan as he really is. My mom is going to be ridiculously happy…assuming she forgives me."
Lane looked over at her friend. Rory's face revealed just about every emotion, and it was currently wearing what looked like regret. Agonizing and painful regret. "Rory, please don't get too down on yourself over this whole situation. You know, your mom has really missed you. So, so much." Rory slowly shook her head, and let a couple of tears fall.
"I know you're right, but I still just feel so stupid. How did I let it go on for so long?"
Lane put a comforting arm over her friend's shoulder. "All that really matters is that you are here now. And you want to set things straight, right?"
Rory nodded, sadly. "Right."
"So, let's set straight!" Lane's tone had turned optimistic and upbeat. "Would you like to go to Lorelai's now?"
Rory shook her head vehemently. "No, not yet. I mean, if it's okay with you. I am not quite ready to face her. I would like to talk with school, and figure out a living situation, and possibly search out some internships or something before I go crawling back to her. Is it okay if I crash with you for a bit?"
"Rory, of course! I would be delighted to have someone here who smells nice and doesn't 'forget' where the dumpster is or that brooms exist." She smiled. "Kidding. They're not all bad," she said of Zach and Brian.
Rory still looked unconvinced. "Won't they mind my staying here?"
"Not if they know what's good for them," Lane responded, adamant. She smiled at her friend. They had known each other a long time, and Lane's utter confidence in and support for Rory bolstered her. Rory smiled back, small, but sure that she was doing the right thing. Finally.
Rory slept for maybe four hours on Lane's couch. The next day was Friday, and she was beyond anxious to make progress on her rediscovered priorities. By six, she had her computer in front of her and was researching. By eight, she had made coffee for the apartment, and only consumed about half of it herself. By ten, she had talked with Yale, and she was scheduled to return for Spring semester, assuming her meeting the next week with the English department chair went accordingly. She had also talked with Paris, who was going to sublet the spare room to Rory in her and Doyle's apartment. Things were definitely looking up.
Truly, she was elated. Rory felt more like herself than she had in months. She only had a few things with her though, and so she planned to swing by her grandparents' before her community service, which began at noon at the hospital in Hartford. She sighed, as she closed her computer, her adjusted resume still open on the screen, and went to brush her teeth.
"Rory! You're up! How are you? What are you up to today? Hm?" Boy, Lane was energetic in the mornings.
Rory spit into the sink and wandered out to where Lane was. She waved a hand in front of Lane's face and squinted at her. "That you?"
Lane swatted her hand down. "Silly."
"Seriously. What's up with you?" Rory questioned.
"Nothing." Lane smiled innocently. "Just happy to have you here. You make really good coffee." At that, Rory gave her a genuine smile.
"Years of practice."
"Of course. Now, what are your plans for the day?"
"Currently? Well, I am currently listing all the things I would rather do than go see my grandmother." Rory cringed involuntarily as she said it.
"You mean, like walk across hot coals?"
"Oh! Good one. I was thinking more like skydiving. That always seemed quite stupid to me."
Lane grinned. "I want to go skydiving. Zach said he would take me for my birthday."
"Crazy girl," was Rory's only response, as she cleaned up her few things. It looked as if she hadn't been there.
"God, you're clean," Lane said as she sipped at a mug and watched Rory. "It's a welcome change."
"I have to get going. I'll be back later tonight, though." She was all business now.
"And I am off at five. We're supposed to have band practice tonight. Just a head's up. If you are looking for quiet, maybe steer clear until eight-ish." Lane swayed her hand, indicating 'somewhere around there.'
"Noted," Rory gave her a nod and headed out. It was crisp and clear outside, and Rory felt like it had been ages since she had actually surveyed and appreciated her surroundings. After all this time, it felt extraordinarily nice to be home. The only thing capable of making her feel better than she already did was her mother's forgiveness; a real-live, welcome home from the woman who meant more to Rory than anyone. She was itching to see Lorelai and she knew it wouldn't much longer.
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