I, Sirius Black, am going to do something horrible tonight. I am going to become a murderer.
"What's wrong?" Lupin asked me as I poured myself another drink.
"I couldn't sleep." I responded rubbing my eyes to avoid the look of mild alarm on his face.
"Go upstairs and get comfortable. You've got some time before your mission." Lupin said taking the whiskey from me. My hands were starting to shake and he put a hand on my shoulder. "You'll be fine, relax."
"You don't even know- what I'm supposed to do." I said. I had tried to sound frustrated but was surprised to hear my statement come out as a pathetic mew.
Lupin sat down in the close empty chair next to me, trying to catch my eye.
"Is it really difficult?" He asked.
"No." I replied fiddling with the half-empty liquor bottle between my hands. "Just dangerous."
Still Lupin's hand never left my shoulder as he stared at me in silence.
"Did you want me to talk to Dumbledore about it? If it's something you can't do-"
"I can do it- okay?" I said flinching his hand off me.
"You're a plethora of emotions Padfoot." Lupin said. "We lost our dearest friends. This is a hard time for you, you're not quite yourself." I put my hands evasively over my eyes to hide the dark circles I knew was there. " If you're going to be helping Dumbledore with these missions you've got to be in top shape. You can't let your pride get in the way."
I stood up from my seat so suddenly my chair fell over. If listened to him any longer he would talk me into walking away from what I had to do tonight, and all the preparation that had gone into the mission would be lost. I would go back to sitting in my room weeping over Lily and James, feeling useless, begging Dumbledore to be used against the Death Eaters and their horrible reign that extended over my life. I reminded myself he had gave me this opportunity to lesson their ranks.
"I'm going out." I announced briefly. I forced myself to smile. "See you tomorrow Padfoot."
I could tell he didn't buy my little joyful goodbye as I walked out of the kitchen and out the door.
I leaned against the side of the Grimmauld Place breathing heavily. My chest felt so heavy, why couldn't I breath? I let out another shuddering breath and tried to still my hands long enough to light the cigarette in my mouth. My stomach was coiled uncomfortably and painfully, but the cigarette helped loosen it some.
"Black."
I jumped in surprise and my cigarette dropped from my mouth. I stomped on it to put it out and save face, despite it being only half-smoked.
"Scared of the dark?"
I squinted at the thin, bundled figure approaching me and and a frustrated hiss escaped me. It was Snape, and he was wearing a navy blue wool surplus jacket. His collar was flipped up but I could still see his beaky, large nose. I let out an embarrassingly shaky, nervous laugh and stopped immediately as his eyebrow rose.
"What are you doing here Snivellus?" I said in a deep voice.
"Did Dumbledore prep you at all or, like the idiot you are, did you forget I'd be here?" He snapped at me.
"I asked you a question. " I said in a commanding voice to hide the uncomfortable feeling gnawing at my gut. "What are you doing here?"
"Dumbledore sent me. How else would I know about your mission?" Snape asked me. "Nevermind, I don't have time to speak logic at you as you try to work it out in your fragmented mind."
I lit another cigarette imagining putting it out this time on Snape's face as he gave me that smug look. I figured I must really look like shit.
"What are you wearing?" He hissed.
"Clothes." I said puffing smoke in his face.
He smacked the cigarette out of my mouth. Before I could protest he grabbed me by the collar and yanked me toward the street.
"I don't give a fuck about your jokes Black." He spat as we marched down the sidewalk. "This isn't Hogwarts- you are going to get me killed if you don't stop acting like a moron! Dumbledore assured me you would take this seriously. In case you need reminding, we don't lose points if we get caught, we lose our lives."
I shoved him off of me and straightened my coat. We walked side by side in silence and I thought of James, Lily, and Harry.
"I'm taking this very seriously." I mumbled. "More serious than you."
"We'll see." He replied.
"Why did you ask what I'm wearing?" I said after I realized we were walking deeper into the city.
"How much do you know about this mission?" Snape asked me.
"I'm killing Travis DeHaven." I replied silently. "Dumbledore said to use a knife. I brought a knife..." I babbled as Snape gave me a cold look with his empty eyes. "Why are you here?"
"I'm here to make sure you do it." Snape replied, as if not killing someone was something particularly shameful. "DeHaven was seen in a muggle night club, we have agents distracting him so he stays there until you arrive. The club is called Extra. Do you know it?"
"Yeah. James and I snuck in there once ages ago..." I trailed off feeling like I had been stabbed in the heart. It was too soon, recalling memories of James was too painful and I had to focus.
"Well now you're killing in it." Snape said sardonically.
"Sorry, how do you fit into all of this?" I asked him annoyed. "I don't need you to babysit me. I know what to do and where the club is. Message received, okay?...Flutter away and bother someone else you overgrown bat."
"I'm to remain in your revolting presence until you have completed your mission." Snape snapped. "Dumbledore has faith that you won't bring our whole organization to ashes. I do not. Personally, while I feel you have the stomach for murder as revealed by past events you lack a certain mental finesse to carry it through tactfully."
"I don't care what you think." I snarled.
"Shut up." He whispered harshly grabbing my arm. I barely noticed we had arrived at the front entrance. "You look like a nervous wreck. I suppose I could tell the doorman you're using."
"Har-dee-har, arsehole." I said running my fingers through my hair. "I know I look fine. You're the one that always looks uncomfortable in your own skin."
"You're sweating and shaking." He informed me.
"You're pale and greasy."
His nostrils flared with irritation and he clenched his fists tightly. "Do you think you can sneak your knife inside?" He asked me tight-lipped.
I hadn't thought of that.
"Give it to me." He said sighing a long-suffering sigh.
"Hold up." I said checking my pockets. There was a bit of a lull in our progress as I felt around every pocket. His eyes never left my hands and I was aware he was steadily growing impatient. "Um..." I said hesitating as I rechecked my pockets.
"Surely we are in good hands." Snape spoke sarcastically. "I also brought a knife, just in case. It's a good thing I'm dependable."
I gritted my teeth and let his comments slide. If I accidently roughed him up behind an alley after our mission was over who was to say he didn't get beat up in the club? It would be my word against his.
"Pay attention." Snape said stepping closer to me. "You have a cover identity right?"
"Yes." I replied in low tones.
"As do I. And here is my brief story, we met at another party a few weeks ago. You thought I was brilliant-"
"Ha ha ha-"
"Take this seriously!"
"Right. Go on." I told him fighting the urge to giggle.
"We developed a friendship. My name is Derek Bartle. You don't have to know much about me but you do have to stick with me and act like you enjoy my company. Do you think you can remember all of this?"
"Yeah, it's not that hard. I-."
"Good." Snape interrupted me straightening up. I had the sense that he wasn't as confident as he seemed as he looked at the line to the door.
"Don't worry. I'm pretty good at getting into these places." I reassured him as we walked to the back of the line.
I spotted Dehaven the moment I walked in. I had been studying his face for three straight days- he was a dangerous but stupid man who was accused of being a Death Eater but somehow had slipped through the cracks. Anyone with more sense would have gone into hiding.
I casually walked up to the bar with Snape following me.
"I see him." I said leaning in to talk to Snape.
"Yes, I could use a drink." Snape shouted over the music. "I'm going to the bathroom, my wallet is in my inside coat pocket. Order me something strong. I won't be too long."
I nodded and he left. After checking to make sure the bartender was busy I scanned the area. No one really seemed to pay me much attention, so I reached into Snape's pocket and felt the knife.
Pulling it out I saw it was balisong, and the blade was long and slender. I thought back on the knife I forgot to bring and was silently glad it was left at home. This one felt cold and light in my hand, not heavy like the one I had.
I ordered a few drinks and handed Snape a rum and coke when he returned.
"You're still here?" Snape said angrily. "What are you waiting for?"
"I thought..."
"What?"
I almost finished with, 'that you were coming with me'.
"I want everything to look natural." I said. "You don't just rush around the moment you get into a club."
"You better not be drunk." Snape spat harshly into my ear.
"I'm not." I replied defensively. Maybe I was. A little.
"Get off your arse and do it already." He snarled. "The longer you wait the greater the chance we'll be remembered. If you fuck this up-"
"I won't." I said cutting him off. My legs suddenly felt weak and jittery at the same time, my chest felt heavier than ever, and my breath suddenly short. I gripped the knife and flipped it open carefully, still hiding it in my pocket.
Snape turned back toward the bar ignoring me as I got up and made my way up the stairs toward DeHaven. It looked like I was on my own. I'm not a religious man but I said a private prayer with every step I took up the stairs. Images of Lily and James swam before my eyes.
"He killed them." I thought gripping the handle of the knife harder in my pocket. "Tonight he dies. This is for you James."
DeHaven was drinking and lounging with two women; one of them I recognized from the meetings with Dumbledore. It occurred to me she had been keeping DeHaven in the club here for me. The other woman must have been a dancer or a bartender because she was wearing a tight top with the word "Extra" on it. A member of staff being witness to a murder would be very problematic, she would have to leave.
"Hello." I greeted them with a smile I didn't feel. DeHaven ignored me as I sat down but the woman who I recognized, her name was Erica, responded with a deceptively warm smile. Even in the low light I could see her hands shaking just like mine. "How are you doing tonight?"
"Great." Erica said eyeballing me. "Want to join us?"
"I'm always up for a party." I replied sitting next to her.
DeHaven looked less enthusiastic about my interruption, but thankfully my good looks had won over the bartender/dancer and she held out her hand.
"I'm Rachel." She said shaking my hand.
"Anthony." I replied.
After some rather lackluster conversation DeHaven started to get disinterested, so I ordered a round of drinks in hopes to keep him there. The women were very receptive to my presence but Dehaven, possibly sensing he had lost the attention of the females, was starting to look annoyed and bored.
"Anthony- there you are." I heard Snapes voice as he sat next to me. "I thought you left." He added in an accusing tone. DeHaven looked as annoyed as ever.
"It was nice meeting you ladies." Dehaven scoffed.
I had too keep him here, I couldn't kill him in the middle of the dance floor or sitting near the bar, and I didn't know if he would be alone any part of the night. Running into him again would be suspicious, especially since we didn't really hit it off. I realized I had unintentionally had stolen his reason to be there- the women. As disgusting as it was I could only think of one way to keep him from leaving.
"This is my boyfriend Derek." I introduced Snape to the group.
Everyone looked shocked, including 'Derek'. I smiled feeling a tad sheepish as his eyes narrowed slightly.
"Hi Derek." Erica said slowly shaking his hand.
Her eyes flicked towards me uncertainly, I had defiantly gone off script. Things needed to be under control, and fast.
"I have to use the bathroom." the Rachel announced. I could tell she was exasperated with me and the new arrival, Snape. She would defiantly remember us- I studied her face quickly in order to give a description to have her mind erased.
"I'll go with you." Erica said a little too fast for comfort.
DeHaven swallowed the rest of his drink down as they both got up and left. I felt Snape's arm snake around my shoulders and suppressed my gut instinct to punch him in the face. The only thing that made me feel more sick then the thought of stabbing someone was Snivellus' intimate touch.
"Kill him now." Snape breathed almost lovingly into my ear. Hot bile rose into my throat and I wrestled to keep it down. I leaned against Snape and pulled the balisong out stealthily.
DeHaven was looking at our cuddle-session in disgust. He caught me staring at him and rolled his eyes before looking away. Part of me wondered if Death Eaters were active homophobes as well as blood-purists. Pushing the thought aside I knew I had to kill him now or I'd never do it.
But I couldn't move.
Snape's breath was hitting against my ear as we sat in a very intense silence. The switchblade was open in my hand, hiding against the outside of our touching thighs. DeHaven was about a step and a half away from me, all I had to do is spring from my seat and stab him in the heart. Maybe then I'd feel some comfort. Death Eaters stole my best friend and his wife away from me, and tonight I would take this shit-stains life.
But I couldn't move. Dehaven could however, and without a word of goodbye he got up and began to leave.
"Typical Black." I heard Snape temper flare softly in my ear.
Snape shot up from his seat like a rocket, and I felt the switchblade tug out of my hand. The movement jolted me into action. DeHaven turned toward us confused.
"What the hell are you two poufs-" DeHaven mumbled angrily.
I saw Snape plunge the knife in DeHaven just below the ribcage in four impressively fast strokes. Our victim's eyes went wide momentarily before grabbing Snape roughly by the throat and dragging him back toward the deserted couch.
"Bastards-" He gargled as blood foamed around his mouth.
"Hold him imbecile!" Snape choked. He kicked wildly as he was bent back on the arm of the couch.
Everything happened so fast it took a while for me to register that DeHaven wasn't dead yet. I lunged and managed to grasp a handful of his hair as he twisted away from me, his hands still clutching Snapes throat.
The balisong flashed suddenly and I saw Snape had driven it straight into DeHaven's adams apple before ripping it away to the side. Blood literally shot out of his neck, splashing down his shirt and dribbling down Snape's front. I let go of DeHavens hair and felt his head go slack.
Snape wormed out of the dead man's grip and rolled onto the floor.
"You fucking idiot!" Snape roared, not bothering to be discrete.
"Go fuck yourself." I snapped back. "Murderer."
"One of us has to be." He said flipping the balisong expertly and holstering it in his pocket. He stood up and got in my face. "You are worthless- a true asset to the Dark Lord."
I took a step towards him ready to pound him back onto the floor but Snape had grabbed my hand and pulled me down the stairs in a swift run. Everyone in the club looked happy and drunk, none of them suspected there was a dead body polluting the building. I spotted Erica and Rachel chatting with two young men near the bar.
The night air hit my face and I was glad to be rid of the noisy confusion of the club. The man guarding the door was too preoccupied letting people in to see us speed-walk away from the door.
"Sloppy." I heard Snape grunt as we took a back-alley.
"Stop." I said feeling nauseous.
"That was poorly executed." Snape informed me, his gripping tightly.
At the word "executed" I knew I couldn't hold it back any longer and puked on the rough, cobbled street.
"Wonderful." Snape said finally letting go of my hand. "Ladies and gentlemen I present to you the marvelous Sirius Black."
"I'm going to kill you Snape." I gasped.
"I sincerely doubt it." Snape laughed without mirth. "I was wrong, you don't have the stomach for murder."
"Piss off already." I groaned.
"With pleasure." Snape sneered. "I am going to report to Dumbledore how abysmal this mission went."
"PISS OFF!" I shouted. I straightened up to my full height and wiped my mouth with the back of my hand.
"Don't ever pester Dumbledore for work again." Snape said. He spat on the ground near my feet before disappearing.
I could hear the sound of muggle sirens whining in a far off distance. The full weight of what had happened caused me to wrench again. As I got to my knees, avoiding my sick, I began to cry.
"James...Lily..." I choked. "I failed."
No matter how many Death Eaters died I would still feel cheated. I would still lose in the end, because James and Lily were dead and I am a failure.
I know it's sort of an odd fic. I was just wondered how it would feel to fail to do a very bad thing but also feel horrible for botching it. It was a bad situation for Sirius from the start.