So just save your words and I'll fade away now
Give me a match and I'll burn it all down
Pick up your feet and take me home now
'Cause it's dark inside, and I'm all alone
After mom left, I just sort of stopped caring. Something deep inside me changed, and I no longer gave a shit about anyone or anything. My grades plummeted, and I rarely hung out with Alice and Rose anymore. However, at home I always took great care to keep up the facade of the good daughter. My dad was completely oblivious to just how bad things had gotten for me. Instead, he was caught up in his own world, wasting away his evenings in front of the television, no doubt pining for the woman who had left him. We never once talked about it, about her, but I could see it written all over his face. He missed mom. If I was being honest with myself, I would have to admit that I missed her, too. However, I was much too proud to ever verbalize my grief. I chose instead to invest all my time and energy into partying... and into Jacob Black.
Jake was the son of Billy Black, Charlie's good friend. We had grown up together, so we always had a special kind of bond. I remember during middle school I suddenly just stopped hearing from him. He lived at La Push, so I never saw him around since we attended schools in different districts. Rumors had started spreading that Jake was getting into some 'pretty bad stuff'. Mike Newton's mom had seen him on the beach, beer in one hand with a joint in the other. Mr. Webber, Angela Webber's dad had seen him outside the local gas station, attempting to persuade random customers to buy him beer. I was shocked. Jake had always been such a good kid. Even though he was friends with his father, my dad warned me to stay away from Jake.
"That kid is nothing but trouble, Bella. So sad..." He would shake his head somberly then change the subject and ask what was for dinner. After Jake went off the deep end, his name sort of ceased to exist in my house. No one really spoke of him. Occasionally, I would ask dad if he had heard any news about him. I certainly hadn't heard from him. My dad would just mumble something like "Trouble.. poor Billy" then move on to a different topic of conversation.
My sixteenth birthday had come and gone the day I saw Jake standing outside the gas station. I threw my bike down on the ground behind the building and then wandered over to Jake. I hadn't seen him in ages, and holy shit had he completely changed.
His hair was now long, past his shoulders with a solitary dreadlock on the underside of his hair. He was tall. Really fucking tall. He was no longer the scrawny Jake that I had grown up with. His shoulders were broad and strong. I realized suddenly that Jacob Black was kind of... hot. Oh.
Jake saw me approaching and a lazy smile spread across his face. His eyes looked heavy, like it was taking every ounce of energy he possessed to merely keep them open. I was surprised when he started over towards me, throwing his arms around my waist and swinging me off the ground. He certainly was a jolly giant.
"Bella! Fuck, how long has it been? I meant to call. I swear I did." He released his grip on me and I set my feet back on solid ground.
"It's been a long time." I said, pushing the hair that had fallen from my ponytail out of my face.
"Yeah, it has." Jake exhaled slowly, not trying to hide the fact that his eyes were roaming up and down my body. I felt a blush begin to rise on my cheeks and silently cursed myself for it. I mean, it's not like I was much to look at. I was wearing my ratty old tshirt that I had acquired at summer camp almost six years ago. Amazingly, it still fit, but it wasn't like I had the tits to fill it out anyways. I looked like the same old, boring Bella while Jake looked like a golden god.
"So," I started. "What are you up to?"
"Just trying to score some beer. I had to get out of the house. Dad's all over my back again."
I nodded. I knew what it felt like to just want to escape.
"You look really tired, Jake. I mean, you can barely keep your eyes open." I said, my voice filled with concern. Jake began to chuckle, a look of amusement written all over his face.
"Come on," he said, grabbing my hand. His hand was so warm. It felt nice. "Let's go around back really fast."
We made our way behind the gas station. Jake released my hand and went to lean against the wall. He crossed his arms and began to speak.
"I'm not tired, Bella. I probably look that way because I'm stoned." He let out a laugh.
"Oh." was all I could say. I had never really personally known anyone who had done drugs before. Alice and Rose were too obsessed with their grades and reputations to ever try anything like pot. All my life I had shared that same frame of mind, but now, I just wanted the pain to go away, and Jake just looked so happy and peaceful. I yearned for those feelings. I hadn't felt truly happy in forever.
I don't know if Jake could sense the thoughts running through my head or what, but he cautiously removed a joint from the pocket of his jacket.
"Care to partake?" He said to me, a gleam of mischief dancing in his eyes.
I had never been interested in trying weed before, but in that moment I just wanted to forget everything. I wanted to forget about my mom up and leaving. I wanted to forget about my father sitting at home, probably staring blankly at the television, feelings of regret and loneliness pulsing through his veins.
Besides, it was just pot. One hit wasn't going to kill me.
Jake motioned for me to take the joint. I took it between my thumb and forefinger, examining it closely.
"Got a lighter?" I asked him.
It was all downhill from there. It wasn't the pot that was the problem. It was the alcohol, the sneaking out, my grades dropping and the other drugs that were the problem. After that day, Jake and I became inseparable. I began blowing off Alice and Rose to hang out with Jake and to get high. My father had no idea. I went to class the bare minimum and kept my grades right on the borderline so the school wouldn't call my dad and let him know they were concerned about me. He was completely oblivious to the fact that I snuck out and partied, too wrapped up in his own problems to notice. I also took great care to hide the fact it was Jake who I was spending all my time with. No doubt he would have suffered another major heart attack had he known.
My erratic behavior continued all throughout Sophomore year and followed me right into my Junior year.
The summer before Junior year, Jake and I had officially started dating. We had been practically attached at the hip over the past several months, but we always remained in the friends zone. One day, something just shifted. He refused to call me his girlfriend, though. He didn't like labels. I, on the other hand would have been perfectly fine having the words "Jacob Black's girlfriend" tattooed all over my forehead. I was head over hills crazy about him.
I honestly don't know if it was Jake or the deep seeded resentment I held against my mother that kept leading me to the drugs.
Cocaine was my drug of choice. It made me feel powerful, happy. I felt like I could do anything, like I was the most confident woman on the planet. Cocaine was also the main factor that gave me the courage to finally have sex with Jake.
He had been bugging me for awhile about it. I had wanted to wait until we were official, but he was constantly pressuring me. We had done everything but, and that was slowly becoming not enough. He wanted more from me, and if I was being honest with myself, I just wasn't ready. I couldn't hold out forever, though. Something was bound to snap.
One chilly, November night, we were sitting in Jake's basement. I had had an awful day. Rose had tried to confront me at school about me constantly blowing her and Alice off to go out with Jake. I snapped, and the confrontation ended with us throwing punches at each other. Luckily, it had been broken up before any teachers had the chance to catch us. I had no idea what I had become. How had it gotten this bad, me resorting to physically hitting one of the people who cared most about me? I had gone over to Jake's after school to just forget about everything and drink and hang out. Eventually, night had fallen and we were both on his couch watching re-runs of Jackass. I was laying on top of him, my chest flush with his.
"Jake," I said, feeling loose and confident from the vodka and cocaine. "I think..." My throat suddenly felt very dry. I tried to speak the words, but they just didn't seem to form. Instead, I showed him what I wanted. I allowed my hand to roam down to his very apparent boner. I squeezed gently and rubbed my chest slowly up and down his, allowing myself to enjoy the look of pleasure washing across his face. My lips travelled to his neck, licking and nibbling at the spot that I knew drove him crazy.
I must have been more intoxicated than I had originally thought, because the next words out of my mouth shocked me more than they shocked him.
"I want you to fuck me." I whispered into his neck. I heard a soft gasp escape his lips. There was a long beat of silence before I felt his forefinger ease under my chin, forcing me to lift my head and look into his eyes.
"You're sure?" He asked hesitantly.
I was still having difficulty forming words. I couldn't even manage a simple "yes". Instead, I removed my shirt.
I was so in love. I was in love with Jake, I was in love with the fact that dad had finally allowed me to get my license to drive (he was so paranoid), and I was in love with that little white powdery substance that brought me so much bliss. Everything seemed to be going perfect. In a couple of days, I was about to enter my Senior year, and after that I could get the fuck out of the God forsaken town of Forks. I had no particular colleges in mind yet, but preferably a school far, far away.
However, bliss can't last forever. Especially for me.
I remember that day vividly for two main reasons. First, It was the day where I lost something I loved dearly. Well, something I thought I loved dearly. Second, it was also the day where I was introduced to someone, someone that would change me to my core. I didn't know it at the time, but I had looked my future in the eyes at the supermarket that day.
My future had the greenest eyes I had ever seen.
a/n: song lyrics are from 'unarmed' by mariah mcmanus. and sorry guys, but i lied. edward was not quite ready to make an appearance. he will next time. i promise. :) also, this IS an edward/bella story, but jake is an important factor at this point.
until next time...