We Only Struggle For So Long

Nate & Jenny One Shot

We all want to run and hide, want to wear a mask to cover up the look of shame and regret on our faces, to rest in a dark space, and hide ourselves from the world. We sit and look back at all the wrong things we've done in our lives, how we wish we could have done everything differently. Those actions and events that went on in the past, the ones we wish we could erase. In time many will forget, where a select few, will always remember. We decide to bury our demons, not to face them. Then there are times, when facing them is the only thing we can do.

The cool breeze hit her hard as she stepped outside, the door of the building swinging closed behind her. The frigid autumn air was nipping at every piece of her skin that wasn't covered by her dress and tights. Folding her arms up to her chest she silently regretted not going and getting her jacket before heading outside. Though that thought was instantly pushed to the back of her mind, when she remembered that she still had to talk to them, to somehow rectify herself to Chuck and Blair. The last thing she needed was to leave the Upper East Side on bad terms with the pair … again. Though honestly, what could she say to make amends with the two? They had put her through so much, but was she really any better?

Jenny walked towards the face of the building and rested against it, feeling the cool marble press against her back, and the edges of the wall gently grazing against her bare shoulders. Dan was right; she'd stooped down to their level. The last thing she wanted to do when she had returned for the day, or for when she returned to the Upper East Side permanently. The thought made her shudder, how could she ever return to such a place that turned her into something she wasn't?

She rubbed her hand across her face, what would everyone think of her now? She'd completely and totally exploited her virginity, or lack thereof, to all of New York, plus whoever else read Gossip Girl. Now everyone knew she gave her everything to the infamous Chuck Bass.

As much as Jenny wanted to hate herself for what she did, she couldn't. Being honest, she felt completely and totally relieved. She hadn't realized how much the weight of keeping this secret to herself was pulling her down, until finally the weight was lifted. She grinned, and let out a sigh of relief. Feeling as though she was finally on the verge to becoming, well herself again, and it felt wonderful. She also realized that all she can do to make things better with Chuck and Blair, is to be honest, after living in the Upper East Side for a few years, she knew better than anyone, lying gets you nowhere.

Feeling light as air as she pressed her hands against the wall and pushed herself off the building, she started heading towards the two figures situated next to the shiny black limousine. One foot after the other, she continually repeated to herself. At the moment she felt as though she could take on the world, when one voice brought that whole world tumbling down.

"Jenny!" She heard that too familiar voice shout from down the street; out of the corner of her eye she could see his distinctive figure running up towards her.

"Shit." She whispered underneath her breath. She turned so her back was completely facing him and decided to keep walking; maybe he would think it wasn't her. But her plan was crushed when she felt a warm sensation spread through her body, starting from her shoulder. Which she knew could only come from Nate Archibald's skin on her skin.

"Jenny." He let out. Jenny grabbed Nate's hand on her shoulder and flung it off as she turned around to face him, rage rushing through her veins.

"Nate, what do you–" Her sentence was cut short from his exasperated voice.

"Please tell me that this isn't true!" He exclaimed, shoving his phone in Jenny's face, with the Gossip Girl blast that she had just sent a few moments ago on full display. She swatted the phone away from her face. "Nate I can ex–" But once again Nate injected his thoughts before Jenny even had time to speak.

"Did you listen to a word I said to you? We're you completely out of it when I told you that you deserved someone who was going to stay with you all night? Be there in the morning when you woke up?" He took a breath, "I assume Chuck wasn't." Those last few words filled with disgust.

Jenny rolled her eyes in response, she shifted her gaze up to him, but he was looking anywhere but at her. She quietly answered "It didn't even last till morning, if you must know." After that phrase Nate's face went pale and his eyes locked with hers.

"I cannot believe this, and I thought Damien was bad!" Nate shouted. Jenny looked around to see that there was a crowd starting to gather around and of course some with their phones out. "Stop Nate," She murmured, but Nate kept talking.

"But obviously Damien wasn't bad enough for you, so you had to go even lower." Jenny's eyes glazed over in fury. "Nate, give it up." She interjected, constantly telling him to stop talking, each phrase getting louder and louder.

"You even went so low to give your virginity to Chuck fucking Bass." That was when Nate crossed the line.

"Nate! Shut the hell up!" Jenny screamed at him, louder than she ever has before. She grabbed him by his arm and dragged him into an alley only a few feet away, to escape the prying eyes… and cell phones. Once they were finally out of sight, Jenny placed her other hand on his opposite shoulder and shoved him against the brick wall of one of the buildings.

"Ow Jenny. What the hell?" Nate said. Jenny shook her head.

"What the hell Jenny?" She shouted, "More like what the hell Nate! What the hell gives you the right to even speak to me right now, let alone acknowledge me considering you decided to ignore that fact that maybe I might exist after I left, not even a phone call, e-mail, text or anything Nate!" Her voice was filled with hatred. "Were you ever, maybe even the littlest bit curious to know why I left, or maybe how I was doing?" Nate opened his mouth to speak, but Jenny wasn't about to let him have his say. "And you think I'm just going to let you waltz right up to me, and start yelling at me, trying to tell me how I should be living my life. I don't want you in my life anymore!" She banged her fist against the bricks, shouting in agony. Nate backed away from the wall.

"Jenny, I know you don't mean that." Nate uttered. All she could do to respond was shake her head back and forth as she paced in circles. "I just don't understand why you would go to Chuck, of all people Jenny!" He was trying to get her to look in her eyes, but she couldn't. He placed both hands on her two shoulders, and made her face him. "You know I'm always here for you." She looked up into his eyes to see sweet sincerity, but she knew him, she knew his charm and she knew it would never last. Then Nate grabbed her and pulled her into him, hugging her tight. Feeling him close to her, Jenny couldn't help but cry, as she relaxed her body into his. "Why Jenny, I thought you were smarter then this." He whispered into her hair as he held her tight, suddenly he felt Jenny's muscles clench. She brought her hands out from around him.

"Excuse me?" She muttered, flashing her bloodshot eyes up to his. She used her hand to wipe away the shed tears. "Do you actually think that I would go to Chuck Bass for advice … for comforting!" She yelled.

"Well, I don't see why else you would show up to the Empire!" He exclaimed. Jenny threw her hands in the air.

"Are you really that oblivious Nate!" shouted Jenny, running her fingers throw her disheveled blond hair. "Have you forgotten that you lived with Chuck? My god Nate, I went to the Empire looking for you! Like I always do when I need someone… and I needed you then, but you weren't there." She started to feel the hotness of wet tears running down her cheeks, but now she couldn't be bothered to wipe them away. Nate's face was plastered with a look of bewilderment. "I just wanted someone to want me Nate, because my father didn't want me, my brother didn't want me, and you, especially youdidn't want me."

"So when I walked into the room to see Chuck sitting there, he was the only human who maybe would listen to me. I was vulnerable Nate, but so was he. I can't blame Chuck for any of this, and neither should you." Jenny's voice quieted down with the last few words. She nodded her head, turned away from Nate and started heading away from him, but his voice chimed in.

"Do you regret it?" He asked, the words stopping her dead in her tracks. Did she? Jenny sighed, and faced her body towards his again.

"Everyday." She whispered. Nate stared at her. "It's not so much having sex that I regret. The one thing I regret the most Nate, is that it wasn't you. I was saving myself for you." Nate's eyes flickered; inside he knew that was true. "But you jerked me around so much, and I waited. I waited while you went through problems with Blair, Serena, Vanessa, and Serena again. I listened to you, hoping that maybe, just maybe, you would see what was right in front of you. But you wouldn't even take two looks at me; after you were done with one girl you went right to the next. You didn't wait. You didn't wait for me after the fashion show, you didn't wait to see what our relationship could have been... would have been. I was sick of waiting for you, and Chuck, well I didn't have to wait for him." Her shoulders lifted then dropped as she took a deep breath in.

"But now it's too late Nate. I don't need you anymore, and I'm through with waiting and trying to prove myself to you." She searched Nate's eyes, hoping to see some sort of light in them, some sign that she was getting through to him. "So if you ever decide that you want me, I'm not going to fall back into your arms, never again. It's your turn to fight Nate Archibald, because I give up."

One foot after the other, she repeated to herself as she walked out of the alley, leaving a baffled Nate Archibald to lean against the brick wall.

A/N: Okay, so I know this if my first update in a billion years, & I'm sorry for that. For those of you who read my story "Perfect Time", well I just lost complete and total inspiration to finish it, sorry! :( But I may re-write it... Either way, I hope you guys like my latest one shot, comments are 100% appreciated :)

xx - Lydia