A/N: Saw the new teaser/trailer for On Stranger Tides and have some mixed feelings about it. This is sort of a companion piece to Florencia7's "Sticks and Stones." Clearly, there would be others upset with some of the choices made. I do not own POTC. Also, if you are revved up about the teaser, I don't mean to offend you. I want very much to like this movie, so if you are excited about seeing it, don't let some gentle ribbing put you out of the mood.

Each intricate pattern on the Flying Dutchman's deck and hull had etched itself into Will. The spokes on the helm and the fringe on the sails he knew as well as he had known about pommels and ferrules during his life at Port Royal, his old life, as far behind him as his heart, still sealed in a chest with Elizabeth's vigilance guarding it.

The crew swabbed the main deck. He paused his reverie to inspect their work. A few scattered words about the upcoming dental plan negotiations wafted their way up to the helm. No matter, Will thought. He had already decided to throw it into their benefits package and was just waiting for the right time to announce it, the "opportune moment," to quote a fri—an acquaintance.

"Captain?"

"Yes, Howard? What is it?"

"Sir, the men are finished and Virgil and Wyvern said it'll only be about a minute or two before the LCD TV is hooked up," Howard said, rubbing his palms together in anticipation. "Seems like everyone we've picked up lately regrets missing out on Gossip Girl, so…"

"I'm looking forward to it, too," Will said, smiling. "Any connections we can get to the real world would greatly benefit morale."

Elizabeth had sent some rather anxious messages in bottles lately, all mentioning vague rumors and internet chatter she'd read about the upcoming Pirates of the Caribbean movie, exclusively featuring Jack, as Disney felt he and Elizabeth had served their purposes and there would be nothing else to tell. He had written back explaining that executives and Hollywood bigwigs seldom have any real insight to what people want, and that Jack had basically shot up his two middle fingers at them by agreeing to have that sizzling…Will corrected his thoughts…mundane actor Johnny Depp once again act out his adventures, but Elizabeth responded that Jack was just as dismayed as she was about the goings-on.

"Willie! Willie, come quick! They got the TV going!" Bootstrap lumbered up the steps to the helm. "We'll drop anchor so no one has to be at the helm and miss out. Hey, hey, I got another one: I lost my watch and tried to look for it, but I could never find the time! Ha ha!" He wiped a tear.

"Good one," Will laughed. He leaned down towards the crew. "Drop anchor and flash the signal!"

The crew bustled about the deck, throwing mops into the cleaning closet, dragging out the Bat signal from The Dark Knight. Thank goodness that prop master had passed away at sea, Will thought. That signal has really come in handy. Now the dead could swim towards the beacon, saving the crew of the Flying Dutchman some much-needed man-hours.

Below decks in the common area, the men squeezed into sectionals and loveseats, cleaving throw pillows to their chests.

"Forty inches was just the right size," Will whispered to his father, his eyes never leaving the TV.

"What was that?" Bootstrap removed the headphones to his iPod.

"Forty inches was just the right size."

"Will, I'm your father. I bathed you when you were little; I've seen it. You don't need any work done on it. Besides, there's no way you could do anything if it were that long…oh, the TV! Ha, yes. Yes, that is just the right size TV. Hey, did you hear about the new guy, cross-eyed Murphey?"

Will resisted the temptation to roll his eyes at one of Bootstrap's puns. It seemed the man regretted not providing his offspring a slew of "dad jokes" and was now compensating.

"Cross-eyed Murphey used to be a school teacher, but he couldn't control his pupils!"

"Respectfully, Mr. Turner," someone yelled from the other side of the room. "We're trying to watch!"

Bootstrap stifled his giggles and adjusted himself.

"We're going to take a quick commercial break," the host of some reality show was saying on the screen. "In the meantime, catch this trailer to the highly anticipated, latest sequel to the Pirates of the Caribbean series!"

"OH MY GOD, I'M SO EXCITED!" a voice near the front squealed before everyone went silent and watched the trailer.

"What?" Will blurted after two minutes and twenty-nine seconds of hell. "What?"

"Where was the 'yo ho/yo ho, a pirate's life for me' intro?" someone asked.

"Where are you, Captain Turner?"

"Captain Turner knew he would not be making an appearance here," Bootstrap spoke up for him, laying a thick, supportive hand on Will's shoulder. "He's got enough on his plate already without having to worry about contracts and promotions and fighting off insane fans."

"Why the hell does Barbossa have mutton chops?" Virgil moaned.

"Why is Penelope Cruz wearing a pilgrim hat in it?" Wyvern asked.

"Why is Penelope Cruz in it at all?"

"Guys, you're missing a really big point!" a man with crossed eyes boomed, standing. Will jumped back. There really was a cross-eyed Murphey! "The movie has King George the Second as king of England. He ruled from 1727 to 1760 and yet Blackbeard is in it, and we all know Blackbeard lived from 1680 to 1718."

"How do we all know that?" someone asked.

"Common knowledge," Cross-eyed Murphey said. "But the dates, the dates! The dates don't match! What kind of pirate movie is this when they can't get their history straight! I'm sure every little detail in the first three movies was historically accurate…"

Will glanced down at his boots and shuffled the toe of one into the floor, whistling.

"The mermaids are hot!"

With that, Will stormed up the steps and back out onto the main deck, Bootstrap close behind him.

"Will? Will!"

"I don't want to talk about it," Will said, turning off the Bat signal and resuming his place on the helm.

"Now, now, I know it looks, well, disappointing, and I'm very sorry you and Elizabeth…and I won't be in it." He patted his back. "But, you know, Disney has a way of just dominating every project it comes across. Whatever creative freedom they might have given Jack at the beginning is probably gone now. You know he's as unsatisfied about all this as you are."

"I'm not mad at Jack!" Will shouted. "I'm mad at Disney!" He kicked over a random chair. "What's a chair doing on deck anyway?"

"Not sure. Will, your rage doesn't seem an appropriate response. I'm not bitter about not being in it! Who would want to be in those bastards' movie anyway? What's really bothering you?"

"It was…it was that young man they showed, the one in the vest."

"Oh, that Philip kid?" Will raised an eyebrow. "Gibbs printed me out some message board talk."

"Yes, that Philip kid. Who does he think he is? I'M the Errol Flynn reincarnation in this series. I'M the young protagonist thrust into a world I don't understand but manage to adapt to in order to save the woman I love. It's MY hero's journey, Dad! I've read all those Joseph Campbell books! I bet this Philip kid can't even read Dr. Seuss!" Will slumped over the helm, his forehead against the soft wood.

Bootstrap kept patting his back, fumbling for the right words, some kind of soothing assurance as absent as that old Disney magic had been from the trailer he had just seen.

"They never even showed him doing any sword fighting," Will whispered, his voice shaking.

"There you go. He probably doesn't know how," Bootstrap said. "Now, come on, William. Here you are, one of the heroes who ridded the world of Lord Beckett and Davy Jones. You've safely delivered countless men and women to the Other Side with your own ship! You were the one that installed the fitness center down there, and the midnight buffet! The bake sale was quite a success, too! Thanks to your thumbprint cookies, we were able to buy costumes for our Renaissance fair!"

"Don't forget the ship newsletter I started," Will said quietly, unrolling a copy of The Dutchman Insider from his pocket. A crooked smile grew into a full-out grin. "Just because Disney says my story is finished, doesn't mean it is."

"That's the spirit!" Bootstrap made a fist and gently tapped Will's chin with his knuckles.

"Dad, let's send our condolences to Jack. He has to carry a whole movie virtually by himself. It can't be an easy task. Plus, I'm sure Elizabeth is giving him hell for all that flirting they're making Johnny Depp and Penelope Cruz do. Take the helm. I have some cookies to bake!"

"Aye aye, Captain!" Bootstrap said, saluting his son and turning the ship towards the Caribbean, the start of a sea shanty already on his lips.