Disclaimer: I don't own the series. Never have, never will.
It wasn't supposed to be like this. She wasn't there anymore. She was supposed to be able to bury these terrible things and never think of them again. But when had her life ever worked out the way it was 'supposed' to? She shouldn't have been surprised that her world was crumbling down around her. Somehow, she was.
She couldn't hide. She couldn't let Tasha lose everything because of her. She had been the one constant in her life, the only thing that kept her grounded. She had already paid a far too high of a price for her. She hoped she could stand revisiting the one memory she never wanted to confront.
Around her was so much noise. Ryan was trying to restrain Baze as he screamed at the top of his lungs, unable to contain his anger. Cate was raising her panicked voice and going back and forth between the former bar owner and her, wondering how either of them could do what they had done; Baze attack someone in a court room, she withhold secrets from her. Lux was used to her making things her problem. It was a quirk that she couldn't ignore; and usually was slightly endearing. At this moment she wanted to throw them all across the room.
"You're telling me you can just let him WALK AWAY, CATE?"
"Maybe if you stopped thinking about what happened for a MINUTE and thought about LUX…"
"STOP IT!" She stopped pacing and screamed drawing all the air out of her lungs until they hurt, her balled fists exploding. "Just. STOP." She said, her voice wavering and raspy.
"Sweetie, you need…" Cate instantly softened.
"What I NEED is for people to just STOP fighting!" Her entire body tensed, holding back the shivering it threatened to do. "I just… I need it to be quiet."
"This is MY problem." Lux added. "Not yours. I get it; you don't know what to do. But don't you GET it?" She looked at the line of adults who were in waiting with her. "There is nothing you CAN do. Not now. Now doesn't MATTER. And it wouldn't have if all of this shit didn't happen."
"I'm sorry Tasha." She said, turning the friend she had betrayed too many times. The other girl just shook her head. "You shouldn't have had to get into any of this… or you." She relented, nodding in the direction of Sam who had been brought in to testify on Tasha's behalf as well.
"And I know you just want to help. I get it… but don't." Lux turned towards the door until her mother called to her.
"Where are you going? Lux!"
"HOME." She yelled, but the door she was reaching for opened. And her trajectory was interrupted as she collided with a body that wasn't her own.
"Lux?" A soft voice came down to her like the hands that stabilized her shoulders. A ball of dread dropped into her stomach as she looked into blue eyes above her. "You okay?" Eric's voice barely broke a whisper.
She wanted to snap at him. She wanted to pull out her usual wit. She wanted to scream at him like she had the others in the room. She wanted to rip herself away. She couldn't. Her feet froze. Her shoulders locked up. Her lungs ached from her breath halting.
She broke.
Unable to look at him, she leaned her head forward, meeting his shoulder. Her back trembled and before she could restrain herself again she felt the tears coming. She wouldn't sob. She refused to. This was bad enough.
Lux felt, more then saw, the body she leaned against tense. She knew this was foolish. What she was doing was dangerous. He shouldn't have even come to the trial, let alone be here. Everything they had worked for, everything Tasha had risked for them, could come crashing down. Her brain wasn't working on that level. The only thing she could register was that he was here. He was something she could trust, something she could lean on and he'd know what to say. He always did. She needed this.
Slowly, reluctantly, she felt the arms on her shoulders slip around her. Her back rattled as she breathed, her hands coming up to cling onto his shirt. His grip encompassed her tighter as her body betrayed her and could hear the evidence of her breakdown.
"Shh…" She heard the noise close to her ear, his breath sweeping past her. "It will be okay." His cheek settled against her head, lightly, not leaning but distinctly there. A feat that wasn't so conspicuous given their height.
It wasn't okay. But it would be.
If possible she drew herself closer to him, wishing to dissolve into the arms around her. Here was warmth. Here there wasn't screaming. There weren't people scrambling for scraps of sanity. Here was the strength she had forgotten, the comfort she needed.
What do you see in him? What's wrong with me? Her thoughts flashed back to the boy who was behind her, and they hurt. But in this moment she knew the exact answer. This was why.
She had been with guys like Sam. She was the last person to judge people on actions that were clearly coping mechanisms. But they had their own issues they needed to work though. For the first time, she didn't want to be the person to fix them. Even if they were the sweetest possible person beneath all their own trauma, she needed a break from it. She needed to let herself mend. Was it so wrong to crave the stability that was seen in the arms that held her?
"Lux?" His voice was stronger this time as he gently forced her pull back. She could see it in his eyes—he didn't want to let go. He wanted to take her away from all of this. She wondered if the others could see his pain, or how much she wanted to let him hold her, to let him wipe these tears and kiss away the pain of things that had almost killed her the first time around.
She nodded several times, her eyes closing as she blinked away the rest of her tears. When his hands slipped away from her, she could feel them being replaced by Cate's. Soon she felt tears like her own fall against her. She stood cold as her other parents brought them both into their arms. The only warm thought was that they had seemed oblivious to what she had done. They could wrap it up as a mental burst. A tiny part of her wished they couldn't. The weight of her lies was too heavy on her shoulders.
From over their arms her eyes stayed on him. His hands were neutral at his sides. And while she felt the love surround her of those who blamed themselves for her pain it didn't seem enough. They weren't him, and for that she was guilty. It was just one more fee she'd have to pay.
"I'm sorry." She choked to no one in particular.
"It's okay." Cate answered her. Lux looked at her. And when she returned her gaze to the door it was empty.
"No… it's not." She whispered. It wouldn't be okay. Not yet. The hollow part of her scolded her.
But would be.
Someday.
Not today.