Disclaimer: I do not own 'Harry Potter' or anything related. The following is only a parody.
McGonagall: Dumbledore! You can't be serious about leaving Harry Potter with these people?
Dumbledore: Because they're muggles? Really Minerva, you prejudice is most unbecoming. Especially since your grandparents were muggles I would have thought that you'd show better respect to-
McGonagall: Oh it's not because they're muggles. It's because they're archetypical cruel stepparent characters! They'd neglect and abuse him for years!
Dumbledore: I think you've been watching too much Television. Besides, they're the only family he has left.
McGonagall: You're still going to leave him here after everything I've just told you? Are you mad?
Dumbledore: I have my reasons for leaving the boy here. True they may never be revealed in this movie series and will make me look like some kind of manipulative schemer, but I have reasons nonetheless.
McGonagall: I wouldn't take it so personally, Albus. Whatever your reasons are, they'll be so convoluted that people will just assume that you're a manipulative schemer anyway. Where is the boy, by the way?
Dumbledore: You look like I'm about to pull him out of my hat.
McGonagall: Given that we have magic, it wouldn't surprise me.
Dumbledore: I've got Hagrid fetching him.
McGonagall: Are you sure it's wise to entrust Hagrid with something as important as this? I mean, what if he picks up the wrong baby?
Dumbledore: I doubt that anyone else would be mistaken for a recently orphaned chosen child with a scar. Besides, I Trust Hagrid with my life.
McGonagall: Which isn't saying much. I wouldn't be surprised if you threw your life away in 16 years time.
(Tears streaming from Hagrid's eyes)
Dumbledore: There, there, Hagrid. We shall see Harry again. (Hagrid bursts into tears) I know, I know, it's hard to say goodbye.
McGonagall: (whispering) Sir, I think he's upset about James and Lily being dead!
Dumbledore: Eh? Why would anyone be upset about that?
McGonagall: This child will become famous in our world! Every child will know his name! Books will be written about him. Films will be adapted from those books although they will by no means be as good as the books. Parodies will be written that make fun of those said books and films! Fanfiction will be written based on those said books and films! T-Shirts, novelties, and a whole lot of suing! I wouldn't be surprised that at some point in the future some Harry potter fan group will be established within the Internet!
Dumbledore: Internet? What the heck is that?
McGonagall: Just you wait. It's gonna be big.
Dumbledore: Anyway, goodbye, Harry Potter. (Proceeds to kiss Harry on the forehead, then stops) Er, Hagrid, you remember that I told you to fetch a recently orphaned chosen baby destined to live with his aunt and uncle with a mark on his forehead?
Hagrid: Yes sir. That is right, isn't it?
Dumbledore: Oh yes, except that THIS BABY'S MARK IS A ROUND REDDISH THING! AND HE'S CLEARLY NEWBORN! YOU'VE JUST GIVEN ME THE WRONG BABY!
Hagrid: …Okay, on the way here we might have bin caught in an inter-franchise disturbance, crashed into a retro X-win', and might have accidentally picked up the pilot's baby by mistake…
Vernon: AHHH! Don't punish us! Or unwittingly turn us evil!
Hagrid: What the blazes are yeh on about?
Vernon: Aren't you the Spirit of Christmas from the Blackadder Christmas Carol?
Hagrid: For the last time no! Why does everyone keep thinkin' that whenever I'm in a lit doorway in a dark room?
Pertunia: Probably because you're also Robbie Coltrane in a long bushy beard.
Hagrid: Yeh've certainly gotten a bit porky, Harry. Of course, can't really judge ya-
Dudley: I-I'm not Harry!
Voice: Oh my God, how could you mistake Dudley for Harry? He doesn't even have the friggin scar! No wonder you mixed him up with some other baby!
Hagrid: (looks around) who said that?
Voice: Er, no one you know.
Harry: Who are you?
Hagrid: Rubeus Hagrid, Game Keeper and Keeper of the Keys at Hogwarts. Of course, I'm sure yeh already know all about Hogwarts.
Harry: …Er no, sorry. I'd think I remember a name as stupid as Hogwarts.
Hagrid: No? But surely Harry, didn't yeh ever wonder where yeh-hang on. What's wrong with Hogwarts?
Harry: (laughing) Oh come on! What self-respecting institution would name themselves 'Hogwarts?'
Hagrid: Well then, Harry, I have a shocking revelation to tell yeh: Yeh a wizard!
Harry: Oh. But I can't be a wizard.
Hagrid: Hmm. For some reason I expected yeh to be more shocked and sceptical.
Quirrell: H-h-Harry Potter! A d-delightful pleasure to meet you! Well, er, goodbye. AAAAAH!
Harry: Hagrid, who was that unnecessarily frightened man?
Hagrid: That was Professor Quirrell, Harry. It's quite strange, though. He used to be quite sociable and confident, but over the summer he's become meek, mild-mannered, jittery and accustomed to wearin glasses, although I'm sure there was nothing wrong with his eyesight before. Apparently he went into the Black Forest and he hasn't been the same since.
Harry: (Slowly) A fright in the forest damaged his eyesight?
Hagrid: Exactly! Although it's quite strange because he took on many dangers before without breaking a sweat.
Hagrid: And now it's time to get yer wand.
Harry: You mean a staff, don't you?
Hagrid: -I'm sorry?
Harry: I thought wizards used staves?
Hagrid: Not in this universe! In fact, staves are so non-existent that not even the fan-fic writers have written about them- and they usually write about all kinds of crap!
Harry: Awww. I was really looking forward to wielding a wizard's staff- now you tell me I'm going to have to deal with only a wussy wand!
Ollivander: Here, try this wand out for size.
(Harry flicks the wand and draws blow up)
Ollivander: No no, not that one. Here, try this other one.
(Harry flicks this wand and more draws blow up)
Ollivander: (alarmed) No, no, not that one either.
Harry: Do you seriously go through this with every new wizard who comes in here?
Ollivander: Pretty much.
Harry: But - all your things get broken! Wouldn't it make sense to let them try out their wands in a space free of anything threatened to break?
Ollivander: …I did not understand a word you just said.
Harry: Who was the wizard who gave me this scar?
Ollivander: …We dare not speak his name, so we just call him 'He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.' Or 'You-Know-Who' for short.
Harry: Yoonohoo? Sounds like a flavoured milk drink.
Flashback Yoonohoo: Mwahahaha! I'm evil! I'm so evil that I walk with my fingers together in evil genius fashion! See? See how evil I am?
Hagrid: Yeh see Harry; long ago there was this wizard who was seduced by the dark side of the magic. He recruited followers, and then he was defeated.
Harry: Is that it? He just recruited followers? Hardly the deeds worthy of a dark lord. I mean Darth Vader at least took over an entire galaxy and Sauron took over most of Middle Earth!
Yoonohoo: I WAS taking over! The stupid oaf forgot to mention that!
Hagrid: Sorry Yoonohooey! There wasn't enough time in the film to mention that.
Yoonohoo: How much time could it take to say 'he was taking over'? It's four simple words for crying out loud!
Hagrid: Look, if you want to take it to a higher authority, go see the Director.
Yoonohoo: …I'll be good.
Harry: Did…did Yoonohoo just appear?
Hagrid: What the blazes are yeh talkin' about Harry?
Harry: He-he was just here! His voice…he was complaining how you forgot to mention he was taking over!
Hagrid: I think there was somethin' dodgy in yer drink, Harry. If Yoonohoo was taking over places, I'd think I remember somethin' as important as that.
Harry: But I heard him! And I heard you tell him that there wasn't enough time in the film and that if he had complaints to go see the director. Why on earth would the director scare Yoono- okay, hold it, please tell me his real name. I mean it's bad enough that I have to deal with words like Hogwarts or Dumbledore or Muggle. I can't stand continuing to call him something that sounds like friendly bacteria. Surely his real name doesn't sound that bad!
Hagrid: I CAN'T SAY IT! The consequences…
Harry: Well just write it down.
Hagrid: I don't know how to spell It. Alright-(whispers) Voldemort OHHHH! (claps hands) Hot potato, off his drawers, pluck to make amends! (pinches nose) Ow!
Harry: …PFFFF VOLDEMORT AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Hagrid: OHHHHH! (claps hands) Hot potato, off his drawers, pluck to make amends! (pinches nose) Ow!
Harry: …Do you do that every time someone says VOLDEMORT?
Hagrid: OHHHHH! (claps hands) Hot potato, off his drawers, pluck to make amends! (pinches nose) Ow! Don't say the name!
Harry: What name, VOLDEMORT?
Hagrid: OHHHHH! (claps hands) Hot potato, off his drawers, pluck to make amends! (pinches nose) Ow! I thought I told you to stop saying the name!
Harry: Oh I'm sorry, did I say VOLDEMORT again?
(5 minutes of lame joke later)
Hagrid: OHHHHH! (claps hands) Hot potato, off his drawers, pluck to make amends! (pinches nose) Ow!
Harry: What is it with you and Blackadder?
Hagrid: I was featured twice in the series-each time a different character. In a different time period.
Hagrid: Among the people Yoonohoo was trying to recruit (a certain hissing sound can be heard in the background) were yer parents, even though yer mother came from a muggle family and Yoonohoo considered such people as scum and were not worth recruiting. And after killing them, he tried to kill yeh.
Voldemort: This baby's a worse actor than his 10/11-year-old counterpart!
Harry: Are you sure that's what happened? I can't help but feel that there are plotholes in that story.
Hagrid: Harry, if I wasn't sure tha'ts what happened, I would have said 'maybe' rather than say it with absolute certainty.
Hagrid: And here we are, Harry, at the station.
Harry: Hold on! You mean today's the day everyone goes to Hogwarts? We've been taking our time all day and now you're telling me today's the day I go back to school? Why weren't we rushing? What if we missed the train?
Hagrid: That was unlikely to happen. The train would leave only after you got all your things.
Harry: …That…makes no sense!
Hagrid: Welcome to the world of ma-
Harry: Wait a minute! My birthday is the same day everyone goes back to school? That's actually quite depressing.
Hagrid: Anyway here's your ticket.
Harry: (Examines the ticket) Nine and Three Quarters? That makes no more sense than the fact that my birthday, I-get-all-my-equipment day, and my first school day are all the same day! Hagrid how-? (Looks around, but Hagrid has disappeared.) Oh sure. Abandon me at the moment where I have no idea where I'm going. Why do I have the horrible feeling he's trying to make me miss the train? (Sigh) Oh well, I might as well ask that porter where Nine and Three Quarters is, even though he's a muggle and asking him about Nine and Three Quarters would be very stupid.
Porter: Nine and three quarters? What kind of idiot do you take me for? Get out of here, you time waster!
Harry: Whoa! I did not see that coming!
Voice: Good grief, it seems that it's not only emotional expression you lack compared to the Harry Potter in the novels.
Harry: (looks around) Who keeps making those snide comments?
Voice: Er, no one you know. Seriously-
Harry: Oh I've had enough of this! Show yourself!
Voice: I don't want to. Besides, to see me in my true form, you would die instantly at the sight of my divine splendour that is incomprehensible to the mortal eye. Your mind would be unable to comprehend what it sees, and it would boil and squirm till your brain resembles melted jelly. And in that splinter of a second that you take one glance at me, you will go mad, everything you know will jumble, and you have no idea where you are, tumbling further and further into the bottomless pit of your worst nightmares-
Second Voice: He's worried that if you see him in his true form, you'd just laugh at him.
Voice: …AND I SUPPOSE YOU'RE TRUE FORM ISN'T HILARIOUS EITHER, MR-
Harry: Okay, seriously, who ARE you disembodied voices and why do you keep following me?
Voice:-But of course! We haven't introduced ourselves yet, have we? Well I've gone by many names over the years, but you can call me the Commentator. The blunt fellow is my assistant, the Professor.
Professor: How do you do?
Harry: Err, nice to meet you. So who exactly are you people?
Commentator: Well, whenever the writer of this parody feels that a comical comment or a joke is better said by an overseeing, higher being rather than one of the mortal characters, I'm that higher being.
Harry:-I see… So I take it that's what the title means by 'with commentary?'
Commentator: But of course! What did you think it meant?
Harry: I don't know…maybe that there was going to be commentary throughout the parody like watching a football match?
Commentator: … Yes, that's what my previous assistant thought….
Disembodied voice: So far, no one has appeared on the bridge. No wait, Bulma and Goku have appeared speeding across the bridge! So far no other competitors have appeared. Bulma has stopped the bike after passing the bridge, she takes out a capsule, she throws it, AND IT LANDS! WHAT A LANDING! WHAT A LANDING! I'm telling you folks, I've never seen such a landing of a capsule, and I've seen many capsules in my-
Commentator: Sammy, what are you doing?
Sammy: I'm commentating, sir.
Commentator: …THAT'S NOT WHAT THE TITLE MEANT BY COMMENTARY…(sigh) Sammy, I'm very sorry-well actually I'm not, but I am afraid to tell you that you've been sacked as my assistant commentator. You're just not smart enough.
Sammy:…WHAT? But sir, I've been dreaming and dreaming of being featured in something along with you. PLEASE give me another chance, (ahem) the character of Goku is based upon the popular character Sun Wukong from the Chinese Novel 'Journey into the West.' A running joke with Bulma and her family is-
Commentator: (sigh) you've just blown your second chance, now (kicks him out of the cartoon) get out of here!
Sammy: (flying) YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE LAST OF ME! I'LL FIND A WAY TO WORM MY WAY BACK INTO THESE PARODIES, YOU'LL SEE! Which won't be quite so difficult since my kind are considered to be worms in 'Fry and the Slurm Factory.'
Harry: You've commented in other things?
Commentator: But of course!
Professor: That's the third time you've said that exact line.
Commentator: QUIET YOU! Ahem, as I was saying, yours is not the first franchise I've visited…just the first that's been published. Be warned, people of . Soon I shall invade all pop culture that is either a film or a tv series! MWAHAHA! MWAHAHAHAH! MWAHAHAHAHAHHA!!
Harry: Who are you talking to?
Commentator: To the readers, of course. My numerous god-like powers include the ability to break the fourth wall.
Harry: (stares at the commentator, or where he presumes he is standing, if he is standing at least, as if he was completely insane, so insane that there's no word in the English dictionary strong enough to comprehend his sanity)…Has anyone ever told what a total nutter you are?
Commentator: Surprisingly many. By the way, if your want to find out where the entrance is, your best bet is to follow the red-haired family.
Harry: What red-haired family? (Hears loud voices)
Commentator: THAT red-haired family.
Harry: Well, he maybe a complete wacko, but at least the commentator's helpful.
Ron: Hi, my name's Ronald Weasley. What's yours?
Harry: Oh I'm Harry. Harry Potter.
Ron: (Eyes stare widely at him) PFFFF HAHAHAHAHA! Oh good one! Yeah, hello Harry Potter, my name's Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore!
Harry: (Strangely surprised at this sceptic reaction) No, seriously, I am Harry Potter!
Ron: PFFFFF YEAH RIGHT! What kind of an idiot do you take me for? Everyone knows that Harry Potter is short for his age, thin-faced, has green eyes and untidy hair, and that he has tape around his glasses and wears baggy clothes because his Roal Dahl styled foster parents can't bother to buy him his own clothes!
(Harry feels the top of his hair)
Harry Potter: Look, I am Harry Potter! See? (Brushes aside fringe) I have the famous scar I got from fighting flavoured milk drink. Now are you convinced?
Ron: Meh. It's a fake.
Harry: …A FAKE? WHY ON EARTH COULD YOU THINK IT'S A FAKE??
Ron: It's a bit off centre from where the scar is supposed to be.
Harry:…You make Dana Scully look like an easy believer.
Ron: Although, now that I think about it, that scar does look pretty real….(Gasps) Oh my gosh! You ARE Harry Potter! The boy who survived You-know-who! The boy who vanquished Yoonohoo! Perhaps the most famous wizard in the history of the world! Wanna game of exploding snap?
Harry: Er…sure. (Wow, his shock and starstruckness didn't last very long)
Harry: Hey, these aren't real frogs, are they (Nothing in this wizarding world would surprise me)?
Ron: Sure they are!
Harry: …Seriously? (Opens the box and a chocolate frog jumps out and goes through the window.)
Ron: Don't worry; it's the cards you want.
Harry: What a waste of good chocolate. What happens when the chocolate frogs start breeding?
Ron: That's never gonna happen. All Chocolate frogs are designed to be female so there's no chance of them ever breeding…
Ron: It's hard, being the youngest son out of six. My brothers have all done outstanding things so I have a lot to live up to. I hope one day to be the greatest of them all the most outstanding wizard in the world.
Harry: And yet you're setting yourself up to be my sidekick?
Ron: I know. I'm a bit of a paradox, myself. Just wait until Christmas.
Harry: What will happen at Christmas?
Ron: You'll see. I'm also a bit of a seer. So I know that the moment I try to turn this rat yellow, a brown-haired girl will appear at the door.
Hermione: Has anyone seen a toad?
Ron: See what I mean?
Hermione: I'm Hermione Granger by the way.
Harry: Yeah, I gathered that. Let me guess: You're some kind of-muggle born, maybe?
Hermione: How did you know?
Harry: Because I'm psychic. Well that and the fact that you're one of the few characters that doesn't have a ridiculous last name.
Hermione: There, see? That spell worked perfectly! You're glasses are completely fixed.
Harry: That's probably because there was nothing wrong with them in the first place.
Hermione: Wait. Gasp, Holy Cricket!
Commentator: (Holy Cricket? What manner of blasphemy is that?)
Hermione: You're-you're-
Harry: I know, I know, I'm Harry Potter, the boy who survived Flavoured Milk Drink, the boy who made Flavoured Milk Drink sour, the most famous wizard in the wizarding world-
Hermione: Actually I was going to say you're that kid who played young David Copperfield in the ITV drama 'David Copperfield' from two years ago.
Harry: …I'm surprised anyone recognised me from that. I thought the glasses were the perfect disguise…
Hermione: The hair gave it away. You have exactly the same hair style that you did in David Copperfield.
Hermione: Wait a minute. Gasp, Holy Cricket, You ARE Harry Potter, the boy who survived Flavoured milk shake, I mean Yoonohoo, the boy who made Yoonohoo sour, I mean vanquished him, probably the most famous wizard in the history of the world! Like a candystick?
Harry: Is it my imagination or are you wizard types unable to remain starstrucked for more than 1 second?
Hermione: We can't afford to be. We're such a small community that we can't function properly if we're awkward towards every wizard that walks down the road.
Harry: Really? How many wizards are there?
Hermione: In Britain? Oh plenty, plenty (about a thousand)
Harry: THERE'S ONLY A THOUSAND WIZARDS! You're pulling my leg, that can't be it! Hold on- if there are a 1000 wizards- to about 60 million British muggles- then that means there one wizard to every…
Hermione: I wouldn't bother working it out if I was you. When we left the muggle world, we didn't just leave behind TV and aeroplanes. We also left Maths behind as well. It won't help you in this world, you'll see.
Ron: I see the castle. We'd better get changed into our school uniforms.
(As they get changed, Harry examines the uniforms)
Harry: Hmmm. This isn't exactly how I pictured our Hogwarts uniforms. Since we're wizards, shouldn't they be-you know- like robes? Not muggle uniforms!
Ron: I think that's what these robes are for!
Harry: Oh, yes, these make us completely look like wizards without a doubt.
Draco: So it's true then. Harry Potter has come to Hogwarts.
Harry: Let me guess. You're the archetypical rival character aren't you?
Draco:…How did you know?
Harry: Your vileness is radiating from you as if you were a sun for vileness.
Draco: The name's Draco by the way. Draco Malfoy.
(Ron sniggers)
Draco: Think my name's funny do you?
Harry: (That's rich coming from someone who lives in a world of hilarious names)
Draco: At least my name's not as bad as 'Weasley.'
Harry: (He's got a point)
Draco: Father told me that all the Weasleys are red-haired and freckled and-no wait. Sorry, my mistake, you're not a Weasley. You don't have any freckles.
Harry: (It looks like I'm not the only one who doesn't look anything like the character I represent!)
Commentator: (You don't know the half of it.)
Harry: (…Why are you talking in brackets?)
Commentator: (I thought that was our new way of communication!)
McGonagall: Welcome to Hogwarts. Here you will all be assorted in the four houses. They are Gryffindor, Slytherin…and a couple of other houses that are just there to fill space.
Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw: HEY!
McGonagall: Oh you are!
McGonagall: I shall call out the names in no particular order, with first names before last even though it's quite unprofessional. Draco Malfoy!
Sorting Hat: Slytherin!
Draco: But…I didn't even get the chance to put you own!
Sorting Hat: Doesn't matter. Your Slytheriness is so strong that it can be felt over here.
Ron: Gasp! There hasn't been a dark wizard who didn't come from Slytherin!
Harry: Aren't you exaggerating a little? I mean surely not all dark wizards came from Slytherin and not all Slytherin students are dark wizards.
Ron: Please. If that was the case, everyone would know about it.
Harry: Hmmm. So let me get this straight. Gryffindors are the good guys, Slytherins are the bad, and the other two houses are the extra, minor and filler characters?
Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff: We are not extra and filler houses!
Harry: Oh then the choice of house is easy then. Phew! I thought it'd be a little more complex, like Gryffindors are brave and chivalrous, Ravenclaws are intelligent, Hufflepuffs are hard-working, just, loyal, and favour fair-play, and Slytherins are ambitious and cunning.
Commentator: Well actually when you think about it, brave and chivalrous is synonymous with 'hero' and ambitious and cunning with 'villain.'
Sorting Hat: Oh, another Weasley, eh? Well, I know where to put you. GRYFFINDOR!
Harry: Well that just took out choice and contradicts the fact that wizards don't necessarily go to their family houses.
Harry: (Not Slytherin, not Slytherin, not Slytherin)
Sorting Hat: Not Slytherin eh? Oh look everyone, this boy doesn't want to join Slytherin! Hear that, Draco Malfoy, he's insulting your house!
Harry: Do you have to speak out loud my thoughts to the whole hall?
Sorting Hat: Only if the wearer speaks out loud what he's thinking, yes.
Seamus: I'm a Half-Blood. Me Dad's a muggle and me Mam's a witch. Course she didn't tell him until after the wedding. Nasty shock for him.
Harry: First of all, why do we care? And second of all, who are you parents? Samantha and Darrin Stephens?
(Removes the lid over his plate and a ghost pops out)
Nearly Headless Nick: Forget about dinner! Eating's for losers! Instead enjoy yourselves watching this spectre spectacle!
(More ghosts appear and fly around)
Bloody Baron: LET UUUUUUUUUUUUS ENTERTAIN YOU!
Grey Lady: ENTERTAIIIIIN! COME ON!
Hermione: That song is inappropriate for reasons I can't quite put my finger on.
Harry: Errrr…aren't ghosts meant to be the miserable sort?
Nearly Headless Nick: Whatever gave you that idea? The name's Nearly Headless Nick, by the way.
Ron: Hey! My brother told me about you! You're Sir Nicholas De Mimsy-Porpington!
Nearly Headless Nick: …I would prefer that you call me Nearly Headless Nick. Sir Nicholas De Mimsy-Porpington makes me sound so pompous!
Harry: (That doesn't sound right either!)
Hermione: Nearly headless? How can you be nearly headless?
Nearly Headless Nick: Like so. (Pulls off head, revealing his innards and the one strand of skin still attaching the head to the body)
Everyone: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!
Harry: Nick, cover your shame! This is a children's film!
Harry: Hey Percy, who's that person talking to Professor Quirrell?
Percy: How do you know my name?
Harry: Errrrr….Because I'm psychic?
Percy: Oh. Fair enough.
Harry: I can't believe we got through an entire Transfiguration lesson without learning anything!
Ron: Yeah. It's a good thing there wasn't enough room in the film!
Seamus: Change into rum! (The goblet explodes, leaving Seamus' face covered in soot)
Hermione: When are you people going to learn, never speak to magic in English? It only understands Dog Latin!
Snape: Welcome to Potions. I am your teacher, Professor Severus Snape. You may not think of this as real magic. There is little waving of wands-
Harry: Potions? Isn't that kind of- a witch's subject?
Ron: Yeah. It's a witch's as well as a wizard's.
Harry: I thought wizards studied alchemy?
Snape: WHO DESCRIBED POTIONS AS A WITCH'S SUBJECT?
(All point to Harry)
Harry: Er, yes, it was me.
Snape: ...Harry Potter. I should've known. I suppose you think I'm some sort of cross-dresser, do you? A warlock? Because I have you know that I'm only wearing this witch's dress because all of my wizard robes were in the wash. Tell me, Mr Potter, what would I get if I mix with essence of dittany?
Harry: I don't know sir.
Snape: Really? Tell me, if I told you to look for a bezoar, where would you find it?
Harry: I don't know sir.
Snape: Really? Clearly fame isn't everything, is it, Mr Potter?
(Silence)
Harry: Is that it? That's your way of becoming antagonistic towards me? Oh yeah, I really hate you know, Snape.
Snape: 2 points from Gryffindor for not showing proper respect to a teacher and detention.
Harry: …You're the most evil magical teacher since Mrs Hardbroom!
Harry: I don't believe it! Another lesson in which we didn't actually learn anything!
Ron: It makes you wonder why we even bothered coming here.
Ron: Well at last we've got a lesson that we're actually learning something!
Harry: We're learning how to fly on a broomstick.
Ron: Er yes, that's what it says.
Harry: We're learning how to fly a broomstick. We're learning- You know, in the muggle world it's said only witches fly on broomsticks, wizards- actually I'm not too sure what wizards use to get around, maybe horses or something. (Sigh) Using wands instead of staves, wearing black robes and black pointy hats, making potions, flying on broomsticks, it all makes me feel like Lily Savage.
Madam Hooch: Welcome class, to your one and only flying lesson! Now, each of you get near to a broom and-hey, have we met before? I have this unexplained urge to torment you.
Harry: I'm not too sure, although for some reason you remind me of Aunt Pertunia.
Commentator: (sings) Lame, lame, lame, lame, jokes based on actors working together before are lame!
Madam Hooch: Who said that? Who dared criticise how we crack jokes here?
Commentator: Errr, (high pitched voice) It was I, mam! Neville Longbottom!
Madam Hooch: …Is this true, Longbottom?
Neville: What? No, that wasn't me who said that! That voice sounded nothing like-
Commentator: (high pitched voice) Yes it was I you over-grown bat! Your eyes make no sense! It makes the fans wonder if it's just another filmmaker blunder like the living chocolate frogs or how Ollivander lets children blow up his shop!
Madam Hooch: I have you know that my eyes are perfectly described in the book! (Takes him by the ear) Now come with me, Longbottom! We'll see the deputy Headmistress as to what to do with you!
Harry: (What the hell did you do that for?)
Commentator: (First of all, I just saved Neville from having a really traumatic experience involving a broom and a broken wrist. And secondly, framing people for my own misdeeds is fun!)
(Malfoy picks up Neville's remembrall and he and all the Slytherins laughed)
Malfoy: Pity he didn't remember that Madam Hooch's eyes are canon!
Harry: Give that here, Malfoy!
Malfoy: …Okay, ever since we met, you've been trying to pick a fight with me. First you turn down my hand of friendship, then you insult my house of choice-
Harry: Hey, I'm just trying to speed up the inevitable.
Malfoy: But I've done nothing to you except try to be your friend, and you've just been a big fat jerk to me! Doesn't that make me the good guy and you the bad guy?
Harry: …GIVE ME THAT F--KING REMEMBRALL ALREADY!
Malfoy: (Flies upwards on the broomstick) You're only proving my point that you're the aggressive one here. Typical hot-headed Gryffindor, not like us cool, calculating Slytherins.
Harry: COME BACK DOWN HERE AND SAY THAT!
Malfoy: Come up here and make me!
Harry: Give me that Remembrall, Malfoy, or I'll knock you off your-wait. Shouldn't you be shocked that a boy who's had no experience of brooms is capable of flying one better than you?
Malfoy: I'll be more impressed if you can catch this remembrall! (throws it)
Harry: I'm on it! (Zooms).
McGonagall: Harry Potter, this way please.
Harry: Yes Great Aunt Betsey- I mean Professor McGonagall!
Commentator: (Ahem) What did I just say about jokes based on actors working together before being lame?
Fred: Hey Harry! We heard the good news!
George: I hope you help us win the cup this year. Gryffindor hasn't won in seven years, not since our brother Charlie left school.
Harry: Wait a minute! (To Ron) I thought your brother was only seven years older than you?
Ron: Yeah. What's your point?
Harry: My point is that he's only eighteen! He's only just left school! Gryffindor hasn't had the chance of being beaten seven times yet!
Hermione: I told you Maths would do you no good in this world.
Harry: Hey, what's happening?
Hermione: The staircases change remember?
Ron: No we don't and why are you following us? We haven't become friends yet!
Hermione: Even though this door is locked and probably for good reason, and opening it, defying school rules, is against my character, I'm going to open it anyway. Alohomora!
Homora: Alo, Hermione. I guess you want me to opened this door, do you?
Hermione: Yes please!
(Door opens)
Ron: That has got to be the worst pun-
Golden Trio: AAAAH! IT'S CERBERUS!
Harry: What's Cerberus doing at Hogwarts?
Ron: Hey, you don't suppose that Hogwarts was built upon a H-
Harry and Hermione: RON, NO!
Hermione: Don't give the fanatics anymore ammunition than they already have!
Ron: ...I was just going to suggest the possibility that Hogwarts was built upon the gates-
Harry and Hermione: SHUT UP!
Harry: Finally! A lesson in which we're actually learning something! Although I'm having problems making this feather float.
Ron: Wait-you're having problems with school work?? (Looks shocked)
Harry: Why, is the average wizard meant to be capable of floating a feather by this stage?
Ron: Nah, I just presumed that you were really clever. What with the glasses and all…
Harry: Why do people always assume that poorer eyesight means a bigger brain?
Hermione: Probably the same reason why people assume that longer front teeth equals bigger brain power. It's a good thing that I can make this feather levitate without my buck teeth.
Hermione: I despise you, Ron.
Ron: Yeah? Well I hate you too!
Harry: (Groan) These two are going to end up as a couple by the end of the series, aren't they?
Commentator: You noticed that too?
Ron: She said 'It's Laviooo-'
(Hermione bashes into the crowd as she runs away crying)
Harry: I think she heard you.
Ron: But-She was nowhere near me when I said it! And I didn't even get to finish! I didn't get to the part when I say 'it's no wonder she doesn't have any friends!'
(Slytherins cheer, revealing their really badly kept teeth)
Harry: Good grief, haven't any of the Slytherins heard of dental care?
(Angelina and Wood are knocked unconscious. Crowd boos)
Harry: That couldn't possibly be allowed! Where's the referee?
Fred: …What referee?
Harry: Oh. Well that explains it.
Wood: Well done, Harry! You've won us the match!
Harry: Great! When's the next match?
Wood: (Puzzled) Next match? That was it, Harry.
Harry: WHAT! But, I thought it was an inter-house championship! I thought we'd later play against Hufflepuff, then Ravenclaw. I presumed this was an all year thing!
Wood: What did you also expect, a Quidditch cup?
Hermione: I'm going home for Christmas now. Hopefully you two can find something on- (stops, and stares at Ron) Are you playing chess? AND WINNING?
Ron: Er, yeah. What's the problem?
Hermione: But-YOU CAN'T BE GOOD AT CHESS! You're a sidekick! You're not smart enough!
Ron: (Grinning at Harry) I told you I was a bit of a paradox!
Hermione: So, Wizard chess is basically like muggle chess?
Ron: With the inclusion of the pieces smashing the captured ones.
Hermione: But…how do you play again if some of your pieces are destroyed?
Ron: …I guess you buy more.
Harry: And I thought Muggle society was wasteful.
Dumbledore: Enjoying yourself looking at the image of your parents as if they're still alive, Harry?
Harry: (smiling) yes sir.
Dumbledore: Good because tomorrow the mirror will be taken away and you'll never see them again.
Harry: …Has anyone ever told you how emotionally oblivious you are?
Dumbledore: All the time.
Hermione: I've worked it out! The dog's guarding the philosopher's stone!
Ron: Don't you mean the Sorceror's stone?
Hermione: Come on! We've got to ask Hagrid what this is all about!
Ron: I get that. So why are we planning to ask him when we should be in bed when we could ask him at anytime, especially when we're meant to be up?
McGonagall: Never does a student have any right to be up at late hours. 50 points from Gryffindor. Each.
Ron: Fifty? Just for being up and about? Who do you think you are? Mrs Hardbroom?
Malfoy: Ha ha! My evil plan to get you all into trouble has paid off!
McGonagall: You will also join these three in their detention, since you were not supposed to be up either.
Malfoy: …I so did not think this through!
Ron: Well at least fifty points will be taken away from Slytherin.
McGonagall: Oh no. No points will be taken away from Slytherin.
Ron: …You took away 150 points from your own house, but you didn't even take away a single point from someone in a different house who committed the same offence? Good grief, with Snape favouring the Slytherins and you extra-punishing your own house, it's no wonder Slytherin keeps winning every year!
(Hagrid sniffs)
Filch: Aw you're still not getting upset over that dragon are you?
Harry: What? What's happened to Norbert?
Hagrid: The – the Filmmakers cut him out of the movie!
Ron: What? Why?
Hagrid: (Sniffs) Apparently his subplot was getting too big for the allotted length of the film to handle, so they sent him to the Bottomless Pit of Discarded Harry Potter Characters!
Hermione: Well he'll be all right there, won't he? He'll be with his own kind.
Hagrid: Yeah (sniffs), but what if he gets picked on by the other characters? Yeh know, the ones who didn't get any screen time at all?
Firenze: Can you think of no one who would want the stone?
Harry: You mean-that hooded emperor-like figure we just saw- that was Voldemort?
Firenze: Well you're taking this awfully well. I mean, I would have thought it would terrify you to learn that the guy who killed your parents and tried to kill you was just here and it would make you croak his name.
Harry: Voldemort's after the stone! Wait, why didn't you flinch when I named 'He Who Must Not Be Named?'
Ron: (shrugs) I don't know. Why aren't you being more panicky that the wizard who killed your parents and who tried to kill you is back?
Harry: …You may have won this round, Ronald Weasley. But you won't win the next!
Harry: Right, we've got to stop Flavoured Milk Drink from getting the stone!
Ron: I get that…kindof. But why have we changed into muggle clothing for the occasion?
Hermione: Ron, when you're off on an adventure to stop an evil dark wizard from claiming a powerful artifact, one's got to wear muggle clothing!
Ron: Oh I see! No I don't.
Hermione: I don't expect someone with a sidekick brain like yours to understand.
Harry: Right, we've got through the dog and the plants. Now all we have to do is get that flying thing. It's a good thing those broomsticks are there to help the thief get the key!
Ron: Hold on! The staff actually left these broomsticks here to allow the thief to get the key? No wonder Snape so easily got through the protections around the stone! Leaving a man who just blurts out secrets-
Ron: And now we have to get past a chess set? Oh yes, it's not like anyone can win wizard chess.
Queen: And for a comment like that, you deserve to be slapped across the face!
Director: Sorry Queenie. It just won't look good on the big screen. You're going to have to do with stabbing his horse instead.
Ron: Haha! Haha! I cheated injury! In your face Queenie (piece of stone falls on his head) Ow! (Fall unconscious)
Queen: Hehe.
Hermione: You're a great wizard, Harry Potter!
Harry: Not as great as you.
Hermione: Me? Books and cleverness? There are more important things like friendship and bravery!
Harry: So basically things that have nothing to do with being a wizard?
Hermione: Pretty much.
Harry: (Hmm. That seems about it for the defences. I wonder what Hagrid meant by Snape guarding the stone.)
Snape: Wait a minute! They- they cut out my challenge- WAAHHHHH!
Dumbledore: Oh be quiet, Severus.
Harry: You? No. It can't be. Snape. He was-
Quirrell: Please. Take all the time you need to express your shock. Yes, he does seem the type, doesn't he? Next to him, who would expect p-p-poor m-m-m-m-mild mannered professor Quirinus Quirrell?
Voldemort: I AM THE DARK LORD VOLDEMORT. FEAR ME! FEAR ME! FEAR- Okay, hold it. I've had it up to here with your bad acting. I AM THE SCARY DARK LORD WHO MURDERED YOUR PARENTS AND TRIED TO KILL YOU, YOU'RE SUPPOSE TO FEAR ME!
Harry: Be afraid of what? You're just a face on the back of another man's head!
Voldemort: OH REALLY? (Face turns white and eyes red) HOW ABOUT NOW?
Harry: (shrugs) Meh. Throw in a snake's nose and I might reconsider.
Voldemort: I CAN'T. THIS IS AS CLOSE TO VOLDEMORT AS PORTRAYED IN THE BOOKS, AS THE FILMMAKERS WILL ALLOW ME. You know, it's bad enough that they've hired so many people who look nothing like the characters they portray, but not even bothering to make them look like the characters when it's possible? What's up with that? At least I was able to salvage THIS HIGH COLD VOICE from the books!
Harry: I was wondering why you were sounding a bit like a dalek.
Voldemort: -What are you talking about? I SOUND NOTHING LIKE A DALEK!
Voldemort: NOW THEN, WHY DON'T YOU BE A GOOD BOY AND GIVE ME THAT STONE?
Harry: Never! You killed my parents!
Voldemort: NO. I AM YOUR PARENTS.
(Silence)
Harry: WHAT?
Voldemort: I said 'I AM YOUR PARENTS.'
Harry: …But that can't be true! That's impossible!
Voldemort: SEARCH YOUR FEELINGS, YOU KNOW IT TO BE TRUE. Okay it isn't true. I was only trying to mess with you. Heheh. Seriously now, JOIN ME, AND TOGETHER WE SHALL RULE THE WORLD AS MASTER AND APPRENTICE!
Harry: …Okay-
Voldemort: Well that was easy. HAHAHA! FOOL! NOW QUIRRELL, KILL-
Harry: If you let me finish, I was going to say 'Okay, now you're ripping off Darth Vader?' I mean first you're just another copy cat of Sauron, even more so that other archetypical dark lords with the whole 'nameless fear' thing going on, then you go plagiarising the daleks with your high cold voice and your fondness of exterminating people, and on top of all of that, you're imitating Darth Vader? You must be the most unoriginal villain since 'Stargate SG1's' Anubis. You're not even that terrifying-looking! At least Sauron is a great big fiery eye; you don't even have your own body!
Voldemort: I CAN MOVE THIS ARM.
Quirrell: Ow! My face!
Voldemort: SORRY QUIRRELL. I MEAN, I'M NOT SORRY, I'M EVIL, I MEAN, OH JUST KILL THE BOY, JUST KILL HIM!
Quirrell: Don't you mean Exterminat-
Voldemort: SHUT UP!
Quirrell: AHHHH! (Crumbles into dust.)
Commentator: OH MY GOD! YOU KILLED QUIRRELL!
Harry: So?
Commentator: Oh. Well, that's the ethics against killing down the drain!
Professor: Hey, at least it gives them something to cut out in the fifth film.
Harry: I did it. I've defeated Quirrell and remained conscious! WOOHOO! IN YOUR FACE NOVEL HARRY POTTER! (Smoke rises from Quirrell's remains) You maybe great at expressing your emotions, but when it comes to fighting dark wizards, you are a LOSER! Now I'm going to hold up the Philosopher's Stone in a triumphant position for no apparent reason. (Realises that something's behind him, and slowly turns around to see the vapour) and now you're ripping off the Smoke Monster? Does your derivation never cease-
Voldemort: LOST HASN'T EVEN BEEN MADE YET, IT DOESN'T COUNT!!
(Roars as he goes to Harry, making him scream and faint. He flees the scene.) I'LL BE BACK. YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE LAST OF I AM LORD VOLDEMORT, YOU'LL SEE! IN A FEW FILMS TIME I'LL BE MORE TERRIBLE THAN EVER BEFORE, PLAYED BY AN ACADEMY-NOMINATED ACTOR. IN THE MEAN TIME I SHALL FLEE TO MY HIDING PLACE, THE FOREST, ON THAT REMOTE ISLAND WHERE PEOPLE GET LOST AND ARE NEVER RESC- Wait, that's not right.
Dumbledore: Good evening, Harry.
Harry: Good evening, sir. I take it from your unconcerned expression that I haven't been unconscious for too long?
Dumbledore: Oh no, you've been unconscious for three days.
Harry: THREE DAYS? Then why aren't you more surprised and happy that I'm awake?
Dumbledore: Like you I'm not very good at expressing my feelings.
(Harry seethes)
Dumbledore: I must congratulate you, Harry. Your efforts and that of your friends prevented Voldemort from returning to power.
Harry: But-I'm the reason he almost came back! If I hadn't gone down there he wouldn't have been able to use me to get the stone in the first place!
Dumbledore: …True…
Harry: Alright Ron?
Ron: Alright. You?
Harry: Alright. Hermione?
Hermione: Never better.
Harry: Yeesh. I'm unconscious for about three days and that's all you can say? Would it kill you to at least scream my name and try to hug me?
Hermione: Oh this is coming from the boy who can't emotionally express himself to save his life.
Harry: (Groan) If I hear one more jab at my acting, ONE MORE…
Dumbledore: Well done Slytherin! Enjoying yourselves at your winning of the House Cup?
Slytherin: (Roaring) YEAH!
Dumbledore: Well good, because now I am going to give away last minute points to Gryffindor, effectively making them the winner!
(Slytherins look stunned)
McGonagall: Sir, couldn't you have given away the points BEFORE toying with the Slytherins' feelings?
Dumbledore: Eh? What difference would that have made?
McGonagall: You seriously need to work on your sensitivity.
Hagrid: Here you are, Harry! An album of your parents. And I can see from your expression that you are full of emotion.
Harry: Okay, that's it. You've all crossed the line! (Takes out his wand) Fortunately I'm still allowed to do magic.
Hagrid: Wait! NO! I'M SORRY!
Harry: Too late.
(Harry Potter chases Hagrid, shooting numerous curses at him).
THE END