Commentator: Greetings. I am the Commentator. You may remember me from such parodies as Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone Abridged (With Commentatry) and-er- well, that's it for now. First of all we would like to give a formal apology to those who have been waiting for the second installment. Anonymius meant to put this up some time around last week, but there was alot more editing needed to the parody than was expected, and of course, life issues also got in the way. But first, I thought we'd respond to a couple of our reviews. You know, originally I was going to hold a fully-fledged review special in which I responded to each and every one of our reviews but nooooooooo, somebody thought it was too loooooooooooong and that if would put people oooooooooooff reading the whole parody. Sigh, oh well. You can always find it in the deleted scenes. In order to decide which reviews to respond to, I'm going to place every slip in this Wheel of Fortune. (Places each slip in a different compartment in the wheel) Now then, go!
(Spins the wheel. As it goes around, off-screen drums roll, then stop)
Commentator: Right then. (takes out slip from bottom of the wheel, and unfolds it) Our first review is from Ste93, who was disappointed that we missed out the troll bit.
Professor: Sadly at the time, Anonymius couldn't think of anything to do with the troll scene that was worthy making fun of. Although now that I think about it, he could have done a 'Shrek' reference.
Commentator:...Yeah, I think Ste93 is possibly thinking more along the lines of something a bit more-filthy.
Professor: -Oh. You mean like a wing-dang-doodle joke?
Commentator: No, not that- wait, wing-dang-doodle?
Professor: Well this fic does have the equivalance of a 'PG' rating. I don't think we're allowed to mention the 'P' word.
Commentator: -OH COME ON! Most people over the age of nine know what the proper name is for their wi-
Professor: Shh! I don't think we're allowed to say that word either!
Commentator: ...You're kidding, right? Most kids at least know that word, surely?
Professor: Look, just to be safe, let's just call it a 'wiener.'
Commentator: (Groan) Fine! Wiener it is. But seriously Ste93, feel free to post your ideas in the next review. Anonymius knows what its like to be the person who feels that a parodier missed out on a few jokes.
Professor: And don't worry about Anonymius not doing all seven. He intends to. His plan is to release each installment on roughly a weekly basis. Well up to 'Order of the Phoenix,' that is. Then of course we'll have to wait for another year for 'Half Blood Prince' to come out.
Commentator: No thanks to those no good, bourgeoisie bunch of film producers! Now then, time to roll the Wheel of Fortune again!
(Drums roll, wheel spins. Then stops)
Okay then. Our second and final review is from Arithnocrat, who can't wait to see what Anonymius will do with Sirius.
Professor: We don't want to reveal too much, but Sirius will have a few scenes in POA Abridged, and a few important moments in Order of the Phoenix. There's one scene in which he appears, er, slightly deranged. Sadly, though, we had to cut him out in Goblet of Fire.
Commentator: Yes, we're more callous than the filmmakers themselves. But we have even less time to do this than the movie, so sadly, some material had to be cut out. Like my poor Review Special!
Professor: Oh give it a rest, this way's better anyway.
Commentator: -I suppose. But seriously now, overall we've got a pretty good reception.
Professor: I think its Anonymius' most successful fanfic so far.
Commentator: Anonymius has appreciated all of your comments from all you reviewers and is glad that you enjoyed it so much. He also appreciates your support for the continuation of Harry Potter Abridged (With Commentary).
Professor: Hopefully this fanfic will maintain more readers than his other creations.
Commentator: What are you talking about? They haven't done THAT badly in terms of hits!
Professor: Sir, maybe you need to check the breakdown of chapters.
Commentator: (checking account) Well, okay. But I don't know what you're ge-EEE!
Professor: Yep. Pretty much.
Commentator:-Wow. I mean, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! THEY HAVE THE EQUIVALENCE OF A BOX OFFICE BOMB! (Sniff) (breaks down in tears)
Professor: Hey, HEY! What's the problem?
Commentator: I STAR IN THOSE FANFICS IN PROGRESS!
Professor: -Oh. Right. I forgot.
Commentator: Don't you have an upcoming appearance in Philosopher's Stone: A Different beginning?
Professor: ...NOOOOOOOOOO! BY THIS RATE NO ONE WILL EVER SEE MY APPEARANCE!
Commentator:...This will not go unanswered! People, if you love this series, then please, check out some of Anonymius' other works. Now then, without further ado-
Professor: SIR, WAIT! You forgot to do it!
Commentator: But it's already been done in the previous chapter, is there any need for it to be done again.
Professor: Do you WANT this fic to be taken down just because you were a little careless?
Commentator: Oh fine! Ahem, Anonymius does not own 'Harry Potter' or anything related. Happy now?
Professor: Yes, quite.
Commentator: Now, without further ado, here's the long anticipated 'Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets Abridged (With Commentary).'
Vernon: You should really be a bit more grateful, you know. Your aunt and I took you in out of the kindness of our hearts, we gave you houseroom, we even let you stay in Dudley's second bedroom- And out of fairness we don't treat you as badly as the Novel Dursleys do. We don't make you wear all of Dudley's old, baggy clothes or leave your glasses broken-
Harry: (through gritted teeth) Don't-remind-the fans!
Dobby: Harry Potter! Such an honour!
Harry: (Gasp!) It's Vladimir Putin if he was a Time Lord and didn't go through his regeneration cycle!
Commentator: Shh! Don't give the Putin supporters any more ammunition!
Dobby: Actually my name is Dobby, sir. Dobby the House Elf.
Harry: And what's a house-elf when it's at home?
Dobby: We are sort of like brownies.
Harry: What? You go house by house trying to sell chocolates or something?
Dobby: …Not that kind of brownie, sir.
Harry: Oh. Are you like the kind you cook in the oven and eat later then?
Dobby: …No, not that sort either. Although my young master did once try to bake me to see what I tasted like…
Harry: I mustn't go back to Hogwarts? But it's the only place I have friends!
Dobby: Friends who don't even write to Harry Potter?
Harry: I'm sure they've just been bu- hold on, how do you know my friends haven't been writing to me?
Dobby: …Harry Potter mustn't be angry with Dobby (showing letters) Dobby thought that if Harry Potter did not think he had any friends, he would not want to go back to school.
Harry: Dobby, give me those letters.
Dobby: No. Since you don't seem that desperate I don't think you deserve them! (Runs down the stairs)
Harry: Oh that's it, you've just crossed the line. COME BACK HERE! (Chases Dobby) NOBODY MAKES FUN OF MY ACTING! ANYMORE!
Harry: No, Dobby. Drop the pudding.
Dobby: Okay.
Harry: …Seriously?
Dobby: Sure. If Harry Potter is able to act like Dobby dropping this pudding would be the most terrible thing to happen.
Harry: …Wha?
Dobby: If Harry Potter is such a great actor, then express your emotions! Let them flow! Let them soar through your very body!
Harry: (Struggling) …I…Can't…
Dobby: Then you leave me no choice.
(Drops the pudding on woman's head).
Vernon: (finishes hammering bars in place) There! Now you can never escape from here and go back to that freak place!
Harry: Aren't people going to wonder why you've had bars put up over your nephew's room? I mean isn't it going to make obvious the fact that your abusing me, even though you've somehow got away with every bit of abuse you've inflicted upon me without anyone noticing?
Vernon: Don't talk back, boy!
Vernon: AAAAH! (Fall into bushes).
Weasleys: YAY!!
Harry: Now why couldn't that have happened to Uncle Vernon in the novel? He was right in saying he was nastier in the book, and that fate was really more fitting.
Ron: Welcome to the Burrow, Harry. We're in Ottery St Catchpole, Devon. It's not much, but it's home.
Harry: I think it's- hey wait a minute! If you're from Devon then why do you sound like you're from Hertfordshire?
Ron: (Shrugs) I don't know. If you're from Surrey then why do you sound like you're from London?
Harry: I'm from Surrey?
Arthur: Who are you?
Harry: I'm Harry Potter.
Arthur: Good Lord. Are you really?
Harry: (Wow. This guy's reaction is worse than my acting).
Molly: At last! You're booklists for this year.
Harry: I forgot that the school sends us the list for what we need right on the day we set off for Hogwarts. And it's the same day as my birthday. It's still a rather depressing fact.
Molly: We're going to get to Diagon Alley by floopowder. Just take some of this powder, Harry, throw it into the fire and clearly say where you want to go.
Harry: Seems simple enough. Yet for some reason I'm going to mispronounce Diagon Alley anyway in the most stupid way possible even though the ash in the fireplace isn't making me cough it wrong.
Molly: What did he say?
Arthur: Die-eh-gon elley.
Molly: Yes, that's what I thought he said.
Arthur: Shouldn't you sound more concern that he's probably lost?
Molly: You'd think so but no.
Harry: Well you lot certainly took your time finding me. I thought you were supposed to really care about me?
Ron: Oh this is coming from the boy who can't-
Harry: Shut up! I am so sick of people making jabs at my acting! And I'm sure the readers of this parody are as well. Hasn't the joke died yet?
Ron: Harry, Harry, making fun of your acting is a timeless classic. Like referring to 'Duel Monsters' as a 'children's card game' in 'Yu-Gi-Oh the Abridged series' or how in 'Avatar the Abridged series' Aang is referred to in every episode as 'Kung-fu Action-'
CRASH
Ron: JESUS CHRIST, MY FOOT!
Porter: Oi!
(Harry and Ron stand frozen on the spot).
Porter: Less blasphemy down there!
Harry and Ron: Yes sir! Sorry sir!
Harry: Er, Ron, I don't know how to tell you this, but muggles are not used to seeing a flying car.
Ron: What? But that can't be! I watched 'Flubber' one time and that included a flying car!
Harry: It was a science fiction film, Ron. (Ron stares blankly at Harry) It means that there are elements that do not reflect what muggles think is the real world and are just made up.
Ron: You mean…there's no such thing as a dancing green blob that can multiply itself?
Harry: I'm afraid not.
Ron: …There's no such thing as Flubber?
Harry: No, of course there's-oh all right, yes, Flubber exists, I was only yanking your chain.
Ron: So why do you think the barrier stopped us from getting in?
Harry: I don't know. It was clearly done by someone who did not want one of us from reaching Hogwarts. Now who could that be…?
Snape: Headmaster, these two have broken the highest of wizarding law! Surely acts of this nature must be punished to the fullest extent of the school's power, even if they were well intentioned and as far as they were concerned it was an emergency?
Dumbledore: It is their Head of House who decides their punishment. And my implication should be clear that you two will avoid getting expelled.
Ron: Well we'll get our stuff then. Since I guess you are clearly expelling us.
Dumbledore: …Is this boy always this dense?
Harry: Pretty much.
Dumbledore: But he plays Chess!
Harry: Yes, he's also a bit of a paradox.
Professor Sprout: Welcome Class to your one and only Herbology lesson. Today we shall be studying Mandrakes. Pay attention to this. This will be important later on in the plot.
Harry: Wait a minute! Why is Malfoy in the same class as us? I thought we only did Herbology with the Hufflepuffs?
Hermione: Apparently the entire year share the same classes.
Harry: What all forty pupils attend the same class, you mean?
Seamus: Hey everybody! Weasley's got a howler!
Neville: Go ahead Ron. My Gran once sent me one. It was horrible.
Ron: And you want me to open it WHY?
Wood: Right team, I know you're all tired and hungry but it will be all worth it when we start training- HERE! What are the Slytherins doing on the pitch?
Fred: Well that was a waste of a good morning's sleep.
Wood: Flint, what the f--k are you doing here you f--king b--rd? This is our pitch! Our!
Flint: Chill, Wood, I've got a note.
Wood: What the f--k is this?
Flint: Professor Snape gave us the pitch so that we can train our new seeker. Sorry Wood, I did try to tell him that it was already booked by another team, but he wouldn't have it. I did try my best though-
Wood: Don't give me that you f--king-
Flint: Okay, seriously Wood, you really need to calm down. You're not going to live long with a temper like that-
Wood: DON'T TELL ME HOW TO LIVE MY LIFE YOU F--KING SNAKE!
(Grabes Flint by the neck of his shirt and threatens to punch him. Harry and Ron stare. Harry nudges Ron)
Harry: Maybe Malfoy was right. Maybe the Slytherins are more like good guys than us Gryffindors.
Ron: I wouldn't say that right now if I was you.
Harry: Why not? (Groan) Oh no...
Malfoy: Ha ha! Made you questioned the moral integrity of your House!
Harry: Shut up, Nelson. Just how did you manage to get on the team?
Malfoy: How else? Through skill of course! (hesistantly and eyes shift from left to right) And my father may have bribed the team with new and better brooms.
Harry: Wha? The entire Slytherin team has better broomsticks than us? That can't possibliy be allowed!
Hermione: (Reading book) I'm afraid it is. There is nothing in the rules that prohibits one team from having better brooms than the other, thereby giving them an unfair advantage.
Ron: Wait, Hermione, since when do you know anything about-
Malfoy: You see Potter, when you have money you can get whatever you want.
(All Slytherins grin, showing their poorly kept teeth)
Harry: (Whispers to Ron) (Apart from a good dental plan, it seems).
Ron: Hey, is there a reason why we're just mindlessly wandering through the castle when we should be having dinner in the Great Hall?
Harry: Nah, but I think we're reaching a plot point.
Ron: Okay, was that you're attempt at humour? Cos it Was-NOOOOOOOOOOO! SOMEONE KILLED MRS NORRIS! I WANTED TO DO THAT! (Harry and Hermione look at him) What? It's every student's dark fantasy to kill Filch's evil cat!
Hermione: This looks really creepy.
Harry: I'll tell you what's creepy. That message on the wall in silver writing.
Ron: Er, Harry, that's-
Harry: It's-in-silver!
McGonagall: Right class. Today we are going to learn about turning your pets into goblets. Yes, Mr Potter?
Harry: Okay first of all, what exactly is the practical purpose of turning animals into goblets? And secondly, isn't it sort of cruel to change animals into goblets, depriving them of their self-awareness?
McGonagall: How dare you reason in front of me and campaign for animal rights you rationalising hippie-
Hermione: Erm, Professor, I was wondering whether you could tell us about the Chamber of Secrets?
McGonagall: Although that is a question completely irrelevant to this lesson and would have been more suited to ask Professor Binns, nevertheless I shall answer it for no apparent reason.
Student: Binns?
Ron: I always knew that Slytherin was an old loony, but I never knew he started all this pureblood nonsense.
Hermione: Professor McGonagall didn't say anything about Slytherin founding notions of blood-purity- just that he supported it.
Ron: I'm twelve years old; I'm not exactly bright, am I?
Hermione: But you play Chess!
Ron: I'm also a paradox.
Harry: Well anyway, who do you suppose it is?
Ron: I bet it's Malfoy.
Hermione: Oh Ron, you think Malfoy's behind everything, behind the house elf who tried to stop Harry from coming to Hogwarts, behind the reason why the Gryffindor team hasn't been able to book a decent practice time, behind the book shelf-
(Golden Trio freeze and turn around to look at the book shelf behind them).
Harry: He's not behind the book shelf is he?
Commentator: -PFFFF I think Anonymius has better standards than relying on lame puns like that!
(As he speaks, the Professor ushers Malfoy out from behind the bookshelf with a giant stick)
Dumbledore: Well, here it is, another Quidditch match.
Hagrid: You must really hate these matches, right?
Dumbledore: What? No, I love Quidditch!
Hagrid: You do? Oh, sorry Professor, I-
Dumbledore: Why do you think I hate Quidditch! IS IT BECAUSE I'M REALLY BRAINY! It is, isn't it? You assume that just because I'm really clever that I must hate anything athletic, IS THAT IT?
Hagrid: What? No that's n-
Dumbledore: Or is it because I'm gay? THAT'S IT ISN'T IT? You assume that just because I have a gene that makes me like men instead of women, that I MUST act like a woman and hate anything a woman hates like the country's most popular sport! I h-
Hagrid: HOLD THE LETTER! YOU'RE GAY?
Dumbledore:-Did I never mention that? (Looks around the booth and all the teachers shake their heads)
McGonagall: Not for another 16 years or so.
Dumbledore: Oh. (Looks at Snape, who appears nervous and nervously shifts away from Dumbledore) Oh don't be so immature, Severus. I'm not going to start h-
Hagrid: 'EAR! (brings up binoculars) Did Harry just exit the pitch while still playing?
Dumbledore: (Bring up his own binoculars) I suppose he did. So?
Hagrid: HE CAN'T DO THAT, THAT'S AGAINST THE RULES!
Harry: Screw the rules; I have a bludger after me!
Commentator: Waiiit a minute! That last part sounded awfully familiar…
Professor: It's a reference, sir. References are perfectly legal.
Commentator: But what happens if no one knows where it came from?
Professor: Then it's an obscure reference. Obscure references are still perfectly legal.
Commentator: Hmmm. Speaking of considering every single piece of reference, allusion or 'payment of homage' plagiarism, I think it's time to make this parody a little more – interesting…
Professor: Oh no! Not that! Sir, you would doom us all if you would unleash THAT. Nothing can control-
Commentator: RELEASE THE LAWYER!
Professor: (sigh) This is not going to end well (pulls a wooden lever close by).
(Cogs turn as something deep within the water is freed from its wooden prison)
The Lawyer: FREE! Free to defend the sacred law of copyright and to persecute those that have legally and morally done no harm!
Malfoy: You'll never catch me, Potter! (Flies away)
(Harry chases him, before being joined by The Lawyer on a broomstick)
The Lawyer: Young man, I represent the good people at Lucasfilm and they will not tolerate this imitation! The background music in this chase scene is exactly the same as the music played in the background when Obi-Wan Kenobi and Anakin Skywalker chase the assassin in Star Wars Episode 2: Attack of the Clones!
Harry: That's probably because the guy who does our music is the same guy who does the music of Star Wars, you moron!
The Lawyer: …Even so, the good people at Lucasfilm will not tolerate this immi-OOF! (Falls off broom after being hit by a bludger).
Everyone: HOORAY!
Harry: Dobby? YOU closed the barrier that stopped me from getting on the train? Even though it was pretty obvious that you were the one behind it, I am nonetheless still shocked. But the bludger? You almost killed me!
Dobby: No, no, not kill you, sir! Only to injure you so that-
Harry: Dobby, the thing almost squashed me. If Hermione hadn't blown it up, it wouldn't just be my arm that was floppy!
Dobby: If only Harry Potter knew how important he is to the House-Elves, sir! During Yoonohoo's reign of terror, House-Elves were treated like-
Harry: I'm sorry but what reign of terror? From what Hagrid told me, all Voldy did was set up an exclusive club that the penalty for rejecting was death.
Hermione: So it was Dobby who closed the barrier! And who sent that bludger after you!
Ron: Hmmm.
Harry: Something on your mind, Ron?
Ron: Well, it all seems rather odd. I mean first you hear this voice that only you can hear. Then there is this small mischievous creature that only you have ever seen and gets you into trouble, then there of course is this commentator you claim is hovering around the school making jokes and getting people into trouble, but the only person he's ever talked to is you. I just find it very odd that's all.
Commentator: Did Ron just question my existence? HOW DARE HE IMPLY THAT I'M A FIGMENT OF HARRY'S IMAGINATION! I AM AS REAL AS THE NEXT GUY!
Professor: No, you're not! None of us are! We're all just fictional-
Commentator: LALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOU LALALA!
Harry: HISSASA SI SOOYA!
Justin: What do you think you're playing at!
Harry: Hmm. I think I'm just going to get all moody for no reason and storm out of here.
Ron: Harry, Harry, this is the second instalment, not the fifth!
Ron: Why didn't you tell us you were a parselmouth?
Harry: A what?
Hermione: It means that you can speak snake language.
Harry: …THAT'S THE MOST RIDICULOUS THING I'VE EVER HEARD! And I've encountered a lot of ridiculous things while being in the Wizarding World. Snakes don't have a language! They're not intelligent enough!
Hermione: Harry, this is a children's film. All animals have languages. Even the owls.
Harry: Really? What do owls usually talk about?
Ron: (shrugs) I dunno. Eating oats and stuff.
Hermes: I say Hedwig, this whole Chamber of Secrets situation is rather wearisome business, is it not?
Hedwig: Indeed it is, my dear Hermes. By the way, could you be so generous as to pass me that bowl of oats?
Hermes: Indeed I can, my dear Hedwig. Although they are not as scrumptious as they usually are.
Hedwig: You think so? I find them just as succulent as they usually are.
Harry: So what's the big deal that I can talk to snakes?
Hermione: Because Salazar Slytherin could talk to snakes. That's why his symbol is a snake.
Harry: I thought it was a snake because his name is Slytherin. You know-Slytherin. Slyther. Sliver. Sliver like a snake?
Ron: The point is that people are going to start thinking that you're his Great-great-great-great grandson or something!
Harry: …Oh come on! First of all I'm in Gryffindor. If I were Slytherin's heir, I would have chosen to go to Slytherin, wouldn't I? And secondly, I hang around with a blood traitor and a muggleborn. Who's going to seriously believe that I'm the type of person who'd hunt down muggleborns?
Harry: Surprisingly many. Wow, this student body is surprisingly thick. I wouldn't be surprised if someone entered me in a dangerous tournament meant for really experienced wizards and not even the brightest house would realise that there was no way an under-aged wizard got through the protections of a wizard like Dumbledore. The fact that they're all silent around me is evident that they think I'm Slytherin's heir.
Pince: They may also be quiet because this is a library.
Harry: …Even so I'm still going to storm out of here.
Commentator: You know Harry, I'm starting to think whether all this unnecessary storming outs of yours are your attempt to make up for your lack of emotional expression!
Harry: You know, I'm getting really sick of all these jabs at my acting!
Commentator: So you keep saying. It's not going to stop the jabs, no matter how many times you complain, no more than Michael Jackson's song 'Just Leave Me Alone' stopped the Paparazzi.
Professor: Actually it's just 'Leave Me Alone.'
Commentator: That's what I said, wasn't it?
(Professor groans)
Harry: I have you know that it's because Daniel Radcliffe's bad at emotional expression that he was chosen for the part in the first place!
Commentator: …Harry, although that makes complete sense in a mirror universe, the flaw in your logic is that THIS IS NOT A MIRROR UNIVERSE.
Harry: It's true! He was chosen by Chris Columbus because he didn't act so over-the-top like most child actors! After all, he says that Harry is supposed to be a mystery!
Commentator: Then Chris Columbus is a complete moron. How on Earth can you be a mystery to the reader if we're in your head for most of the series?
Harry: J.K. Rowling also accepted Daniel Radcliffe as the best actor to play me!
Commentator: J.K. Rowling accepts a lot of things that the filmmakers do. That doesn't stop the fans from criticising -
Harry: WHAA! (trips over something. Looks back to see that it is the paralysed body of Justin. At that moment, students and teachers choose to walk by and see Harry on top of Justin) Er, is there anyway to convince people that I was just here at the wrong moment at the wrong time?
Commentator: HAHA! Actually thinking most people properly investigate a situation in a non-biased position rather than easily blaming it on the most likely candidate! Oh Harry!
Harry: Oh come on! If I really was the perpertrator, wouldn't I be a bit more stealthy and not fall over my victim?
Commentator: You're expecting that level of common sense from people who think you're the heir solely on their prejudice of you being a parselmouth despite the fact that you hang around with a blood traitor and a muggleborn?
Hary: ...
Commentator: Hehe, who's the real idiot? The idiot, or the person who expects people not to be idiots?
Hagrid: HE DIDN'T DO IT, SIR-
Dumbledore: Hagrid! I do not believe for even one second that Harry had anything to do with- wait. How do you know he didn't have anything to do with it? You didn't have a recent scene with him!
Hagrid: Ermmm…. Because I'm psychic?
Dumbledore: Oh. Fair enough.
Harry: You don't think I did it, sir?
Dumbledore: No. I asked you here if there was anything you wanted to tell me.
Harry: (Considering this) No. There's nothing.
Dumbledore: Right, you can go.
Harry: Wait. That's it? That's all you asked me for? Pretty pointless scene, don't you think?
Harry: Okay, we've now taken the form of Crabbe and Goyle in order to fool Malfoy and get a confession out of him. Wait, why is my voice still the same? I thought the Polly Juice potion was to transform us entirely?
Hermione: Ah, I knew there was something we were supposed to get out of Snape's private stores!
Malfoy: Crabbe, why the f--k are you wearing glasses?
Harry: (Ah, forgot to take off my glasses).
Ron: (I can't believe you did that. Seriously, I can't believe you did that!)
Malfoy: I can't believe that everyone thinks that Potter is the Heir of Slytherin! I mean come on! He hangs around with a blood traitor and a m--d. Is he seriously the type who'd go around killing m--ds?
Harry: (Why. Why does it have to be out of the entire school my arch-rival to have more than half a brain?) But you must know who is the Heir of Slytherin, Malfoy?
Ron: (Wait. I thought we were going by the theory that Malfoy was the heir?)
Harry: (Change of plan. I'm not entirely, sure why.)
Ron: (Hmm. Maybe the Pollyjuice potion has made you more like Crabbe that we intended.)
Harry: Hey, a mysterious diary that someone tried to flush down the toilet! Hmm, I think I'll ask it if it knows anything about the Chamber of Secrets, even though I haven't been given any indication that the person who wrote it lived during that time like check the date or that writing into it means it will write back to me. (Writes in diary, words disappear. Then new words appear). Hey, it worked! I guess dumb luck does occasionally pay off!
Diary: Unclean…unclean…
Harry: Wha?
Diary: Well you would feel unclean if you were flushed down a toilet, polluted by whatever was flushed down there! I suppose you want to know about the Chamber of Secrets, right?
Harry: Er, yes, but first off, there's something else I want to ask you that I'm very curious about.
Diary: Go on, then. What is it?
Harry: What are cooties like?
Diary: There are no such things as cooties. It is just a thing little girls make up to frighten little boys.
Hagrid: What are you doing down here, Tom?
Harry: Okay, that voice is way too deep and that beard way too long to belong to a fourteen year old. I mean, HAAGRID! (As he is pulled away from the scene)
Commentator: Why on Earth are you screaming Hagrid's name for?
Harry: I'm being dramatic! For goodness sake, can't you just stick to making fun of my underacting instead of when I'm actually being dramatic?
Commentator: Harry, Harry, a commentator is like a critic. You can't please us either way!
Wood: And now it's time for our second match.
Harry: Wait a minute; I thought we only played the one match against the Slytherins?
Wood: Harry, don't be so thick! What would be the point if we just had the one match all year?
Harry: But last year you said-
Fred: Maybe Harry being Slytherin's heir will scare the other team!
George: Haha!
Harry: Well I'm glad someone finds the idea that I'm Slytherin's heir ridiculous. It's comforting to know that if I'm ever entered into a perilous tournament against my own free will you guys will realise that I couldn't have possibly been able to get in myself.
Fred: I wouldn't count on it.
McGonagall: I'm afraid that we've cancelled this match.
Harry: What? Why?
McGonagall: Because the alloted time in the movie only allows one quidditch match in total. Other than that, there's been a couple more attacks, including Miss Granger, and we feel it best to cancel the match in order to protect the students, even though the heir's not going to attack anyone in broad daylight.
McGonagall: From now on, in order to protect the students, all quidditch matches will be cancelled, no student should be on their own, and teachers shall supervise students on their way to class.
Harry: Aren't all these precautions unnecessary? I mean it's pretty obvious that it's muggleborns the heir's after, wouldn't it be a waste of time trying to protect the half-bloods and the pure-bloods when they're clearly in no danger?
McGonagall: That's twice all year you've spoken to me with that reasoning tongue of yours! One more rational remark out of you and it'll be fifty points from Gryffindor and detention! Besides, if we knew which ones were muggleborns, we wouldn't be bothering protecting the whole school.
Harry: Oh no! Hagrid's been taken in by the ministry!
Ron: I wonder what he meant by 'follow the spiders?'
Harry: I guess we have to wait for ages until we come across a trail of spiders.
Ron: No wait, look! There's one there!
Harry: YES! You know, it's times like these I'm glad movie adaptations have to cut down on the material.
Harry Potter fan: Hey! He's saying the films are better than the books!
Harry Potter fans: BURN HIM!
Harry: So yeah, let's go follow that trail.
Aragog: Greetings, friends of Hagrid. I am Aragog, son of Arathog, direct descendent of Shelob.
Harry: Errr, okay… I take it that you're the monster of Slytherin?
Aragog: What? NO! Do I look like something that could be associated with Salazar Slytherin like a giant snake that could kill with its gaze unless of course the victim happens to see the eyes in a puddle, through a camera, a ghost, or a mirror or it happens that you're already dead?
Harry: What? The monster's a basilisk?
Aragog and other spiders: OHHHHHHH! (antennas clap) Hot cocooned flies off his abdomen, pince to make amends! (pincer themselves) Ow!
Aragog: Please do not mention the creature's name!
Harry: (Smiles evilly) So, you have to do that everytime someone mentions a-
Spider 1: He's about to name the creature! Eat him before he gets the chance!
Spiders: HOORAY!
Spider 2: I'm up for that.
Ron: Oh thanks alot, Harry! Now we have man eating spiders out to get us!
Harry: So first I've got a psychotic goblin whose trying to save me by killing me, then everyone thinks I'm the Heir of Slytherin, then Harry Potter fans are out to get me for my heresy, and now giant spiders are out to eat me? This really hasn't been my film!
Harry: Please get better, Hermione. I need you.
Ron: Oi! Stop moving in on my girl!
Harry: …What did you just say?
Ron: Errr… what I meant was…errrr…
Ron: Oh no! My sister's been kidnapped! We've got to go to Lockhart and tell him what we know!
Harry: Shame we've got to waste time by going up in our dormitory before sneeking down.
Ron: Er, Harry? Material cut down in adaptation?
Harry: All right! This movie is way better than the book! Less waiting, more action!
Harry Potter fans: BURN-
Harry: Oh shut up.
Lockhart: Okay, I admit it! I'm a fraud! I took credit for other people's achievements and I modified everyone's memories so that no one would suspect me!
Harry: Even though it was pretty obvious that you were an outright fraud, I am nonetheless still shocked.
Harry: How do we get into the chamber?
Ron: Try saying something in Parseltongue.
Harry: Hissa see sooya.
(Entrance opens)
Harry: Are you sure that's snake language? Doesn't sound like any sound I've ever heard a snake make.
Ron: Oh stop reasoning and get into the tube! (kicks Harry through the entrance)
Harry: AAAAAHH!
Lockhart: Oh this is too much! (Faints).
Ron: Man. This guy's no better than Quirrell.
Harry: Wasn't Quirrell just pretending to be a wimp, though?
Lockhart: (Snatches Ron's wand) Aha! Little did you know that I'm an accomplished actor! Now let's see, hmm, (twists segments of wand) 12 years, 8 months and 29 days should do the trick. Now (Puts sunglasses on), say goodbye to your memories (wand flashes in opposite direction, destroying glass in shades and causing a cave in).
Lockhart: Hello. Do you live here?
(Ron knocks Lockhart out with a rock)
Harry: Dude, wasn't that a bit extreme? I mean you could have caused him serious head injury! Not to mention permanent brain damage! Apart from the damage he's already got, I mean.
Harry: Right, time to open this door with some more 'snake language.'
(Doors start to open, then stop)
Plot: No.
Harry: What?
Plot: I won't allow this unless you do this properly.
Harry: Oh come on! It isn't snake language at all! You couldn't fool a-
Plot: Do it right, or you won't be able to get any further.
Harry: (sigh) Fine! Right, time to open this door with some more-(groan) snake language.
(Doors continue to open)
Plot: There. That wasn't so hard, was it?
Harry: Well actually-Oh my God… Salazar Slytherin's statue is holding a staff! I mean a real life wizard's staff! That is so cool! Oh I'm so happy that staves actually exist in this universe! Oh yes and Ginny's at death's door.
Harry: I mean, Ginny! Don't be dead, please don't be dead!
Riddle: Hmm. Perhaps you two have a chance after all.
Harry: Tom? Tom Riddle?
Riddle: (Walking to Harry from the shadows) Let us match the acting of Tom Riddle, uncredited drummer boy from barely known 2002 film 'The Four Feathers,' and the famous Harry Potter, and all the emotional expression he can muster.
Riddle: Ginny poured so much of her soul into me, so, I was able to pour a bit of MY soul in HER.
Harry: (gasp!) You made Ginny attack all those muggleborns and write on the wall!
Riddle: …Well that was some quick thinking Potter. Seriously, I'm really shocked. I mean, for a guy who couldn't put it together that it was Dobby who sealed the barrier, work out that Lockhart was an outright fraud, and let's not forget you left your glasses on when posing to be Goyle, didn't bother to make yourself sound like Goyle, and suddenly changed your theory on Malfoy at the last minute, I would have thought that you working out whodunit was beyond your capacity!
Harry: Yeah, well, even though I'm a bad actor compared to the Harry Potter in the book, I make it up with my higher intellect!
Riddle: I knew that it was no longer safe to open the Chamber again, so I left an imprint of my 16 year old self in my diary, so that I could lead another into finishing Salazar Slytherin's noble work.
Harry: Well you haven't done a very good job about it. I mean come on! You've attacked like what eight students altogether and you only managed to kill one? You're a worse serial killer than Sideshow Bob!
Riddle: Who's Sideshow Bob?
Harry: Right, Right, you're from the Forties.
Riddle: Well thankfully I no longer care about killing mudbloods. My main concern now is how you defeated Voldemort?
Harry: Why would you care about that?
Riddle: Perhaps this will clear up the matter (Writes his name with the wand in his hand, then rearranges the letters to read 'I am Lord Voldemort')
Harry: You? You're the Heir of Slytherin? You're Voldemort.
Riddle: Please. Take all the time you need to express your shock and fear. Surely you did not expect that I would forever keep my filthy muggle father's name?
Harry: You're father's a muggle?
Riddle: Did I forget to mention that? (Thinks back) Oh it doesn't matter. No, Harry Potter. I would fashion myself a new identity, a name I knew people would be too afraid to speak when I became the greatest sorcerer in the world!
Harry: Well it seems pretty pointless to me.
Riddle:-I'm sorry?
Harry: Well, what's the point of giving yourself a new name if no one's going to use it? Especially if they're going to end up calling you something that sounds like a flavoured milk drink? And 'Lord Voldemort.' You actually named yourself 'Lord Voldemort?' What are you, a Dungeon and Dragons nerd?
Riddle: (fuming) Are you this irritating to my future self?
Harry: (shrugs) Pretty much. I mean he did kill my parents after all.
Riddle: Well I think it was clear that I won the contest of who's the best actor. If anything I should be the Boy-Who-Lived and you should be the drummer boy!
Harry: Yeah well, that's life. It's not about what talent you have- it's about how good your connections are! Although now that I think about it, I guess the film industry would fare better if the former were true and not the latter.
Riddle: …Anyway, let us now match the powers of Lord Voldemort, heir of Salazar Slytherin, and the famous Harry Potter, and the best weapons Dumbledore can give him!
Harry: Wait, wait a minute! I thought you wanted to know how I survived you in the future?
Riddle: Haven't I told you? That how you survived and how my powers were broken doesn't matter to me anymore?
Harry: Errr, no.
Riddle: For the past few seconds I have been devising a new goal: the killing of you!
Harry: You don't have a very long attention span, do you?
Riddle: Not particularly. It's why it took me five years to open the Chamber of Secrets. I kept getting distracted by new ideas that came to me.
Professor: Rather like the author of this parody.
(BOM BOM BOM CH)
Riddle: Yyess...Now then, enough of this charade! (Says something in parseltongue to the statue, which opens its mouth)
Harry: This is the bit that really needs subtitles.
Riddle: And despite being nothing like Star Wars we're imitating them in that exact manner.
Fawkes: Here I come, to save the dayyyy!
Basilisk: AHHHHH! MY EYES!
Harry: Hmm. I guess it's safe now to open my eyes. Hey, wait a minute! You're not a snake! You're just a giant legless dragon!
(Basilisk stops writhing)
Basilisk: What do you mean just a giant legless dragon?
Harry: Well how can you speak snake language if you're, well, not a snake?
Basilisk: YOU seem to manage it.
Riddle: My snake may not be able to see you, Potter, but it can still smell you!
Harry: But as a snake, it wouldn't have even been able to see me that well in the first place. Snakes usually smell by tasting the air with its tongue in order collect airborne particles that pass into the Jacobson's organ that is also known as the Vo-
Riddle: Shut up!
Riddle: You may have killed my Basilisk, but that is the least of your worries! As time passes, Ginny's life force feeds my own, and soon I will be strong enough to leave that cootie-infested book!
Harry: I thought you said that cooties didn't exist?
Riddle: Haven't I told you? That I lied about the myth of cooties?
Harry: (groan) Here he goes again…
Riddle: For the past few minutes I have-
Harry: Right, that's it. (Holds up diary and fang) If you say one more thing that starts with 'Haven't I told you, that blanky blank doesn't blanky blank, and continues with for the past few blanks, I am going to thrust this basilisk fang through you're diary.
Riddle: (pauses) HAHAHA! Do you really think that making a hole through the diary is going to make any-
(Fawkes Screeches as he flies above them and drops a rock on top of the fang, causing it to sink through the diary. Both Harry and Riddle stare at the book)
Riddle: Ohhh fu- (Screams as he explodes into tiny little pieces)
Harry: Well that was slightly more exciting than in the book.
Lockhart: AMAZING! THIS IS JUST LIKE MAGIC!
Harry: Why is it that when characters gain amnesia they remember everything about the real world and nothing of the fantastic realm even if they were brought up in the latter?
Ron: Ah, that, my dear Potter, is one of the greatest mysteries of the world!
Dumbledore: You two have broken at least fifty school rules! I think this calls for 2-
Ron: Weren't you suspended as Headmaster or something?
Dumbledore: Wow. I guess you're right. This means that I can't give you 200 points each for Gryffindor, and save you from expulsion.
Ron: …You were saying, Headmaster?
Harry: Dobby! So your family is the Malfoys!
(Lucius glares at Dobby).
Dobby: Harry Potter, sir! How could you so carelessly blurt out who my family is in front of my master?
Harry: Er, sorry Dobby! It sort of slipped my tongue! (Hehe, that's what you get for getting me in trouble with the Dursleys and the wizarding world and almost trying to kill me!)
Harry: I believe this diary to belong to you.
Lucius: Mine? I don't know what you're talking-!
Harry: What I don't understand, though, is-why?
Lucius: Why? WHY? How naive you are, Potter. Do you really think that villains need reasons for doing things? We do them because we're evil!
(Ron looks as though he is about to hug Hermione, but they suddenly become quite awkward)
Commentator: Stop that! You're not supposed to show clear feelings for each other until the fourth instalment!
(Camera flies away from the castle)
Commentator: Wait, is that it?
THE END