Commentator: Ahh, nothing like doing some fishing to relax. Oh hello there! We're just doing some fishing before the next parody starts. Aha, got a bite! How are you doing, Professor?
Professor: I haven't got a single bite, and you know it.
Commentator: That's because I'm using the superior bait. (Takes fish off of hook, revealing Sammy the Slug hanging on the hook)
Sammy: PLEAAAAASE! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIIIIIIIIIS?
Commentator: (Holds Sammy between his eyes) Look, you wanted to return to the Commentary and this is the best job we could give you. Hey, what's that in your mouth? (Removes it)
Sammy: I found it in that fish that tried to eat me.
Professor: Wait, how could you speak if your mouth was full?
Sammy: (Shrugs) What can I say? It's a gift.
Commentator: It's some piece of paper (Unfolds it).
Professor: What does it say?
Commentator: Hmm. It's by someone calling themselves 'the true elec.' 'Great, a story that points out all the problems with the movies. It'll be great seeing how you do PoA, I hated that movie so much. keep up the good work.' Oh, it's another review! That's the second one I've found in a fish today!
Professor: Anonymius wasn't fond of that movie, either. If I recall, he particularly hated the big 'revelation' scene because the characters just blurted out the twists without any form of suspense and none of the revelations made sense.
Commentator: Rather like the ones in soaps, then. I think the parody scene was one of the first he ever conceived.
Professor: You can tell because in that scene you're quite villainous and you can see the influence from 'Five minute dot net' with all the-
Commentator: PROFESSOR! DON'T GIVE AWAY ANY SPOILERS!
Professor: Right. Sorry.
(Commentator hurls line back into the pond)
Sammy: I REGRET EVERYTHIIIIING! (Plop)
Commentator: Aha! Got another bite! (Reels it in) Wait, where's the fish?
Sammy: I found this in the water and thought you might be interested so I tug on the line.
Commentator: What's this? Another review? (Unfolds the paper) Okay, this one is from Deliadee-
Clock: TING!
Professor: Right, time to go to work!
Sammy: Wait, that's it? That's the entire review special?
Professor: Well, there was more planned, sadly though there wasn't any time to include it.
Commentator: What? NO! We didn't even get to look at my favourite review! (Flaps piece of paper in his hand)
Professor: What, you mean the one from Darkgreenpriestess where she says she loves the commentator and he makes the parody point point and reveals to be a commentator fangirl?
Commentator: The very same!
Professor: Sorry, but we can't risk putting off our readers by making it too long.
Commentator: ...Mark my word, Anonymius, this insult shall not go unanswered. Oh well. Professor! What does the scouter say about the number of hits for 'Chamber of Secrets Abridged (With Commentary)'?
Professor: Hmmm. (Fiddles with glasses) Errr...
Commentator: Yes?
Professor: It's-
Commentator: (Enthusiastically) It's?
Professor: It's-
Commentator: IT'S?
Professor: (Covers eyes) IT'S UNDER 60!
Commentator: What, 60?...WHAT 60? Okay, this is just weird. How is it that PA has about 250 hits, yet CS has only about 50 when it's as well praised as the first?
Professor: It's even weirder that this is the same with Anonymius' other fanfics. And it's even stranger when the fic jumped a hundred when CS came out.
(Stare at each other)
Commentator: Something's fishy is going on here.
Sammy: Yeah. Right over there in that pond.
(Commentator stares at Sammy, then kicks him into the pond)
Sammy: WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY? (Plops).
Commentator: Why not? There will be no bad puns like that in this parody. Not when I'm Commentator! Unless it's of course to make fun of bad jokes like that. We have standards to uphold! But seriously now, someone needs to do some investigating. Now then, without further ado-
Professor: SIR, WAIT! YOU FORGOT TO DO 'IT'!
Commenator: Here's-
Professor: No!
Commentator: Harry Potter-
Professor: Wait!
Commentator: And the-
Professor: It's got to be done!
Commentator: Prisoner of Azkaban Abridged with Commentary.
Professor: YOU FOOL! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE? YOU'VE DOOMED US ALL!
Commentator: Look, this whole disclaiming thing is STUPID. Constantly saying things like 'I don't own Harry Potter.' 'I don't own Spiderman.' 'I don't own Full Metal Alchemist.' OF COURSE YOU DON'T OWN ANY OF THESE! WHO WOULD BE DUMB ENOUGH TO SUGGEST THAT YOU OWN THEM? I mean it's not even in the guidelines to disclaim!
Professor: But it's the law!
Commentator: I hate to point out the obvious but THERE IS NO LAW ON THE INTERNET! That's why it's got so much questionable stuff on it!
Professor: Even so, when taking someone else's copyrighted ideas, you've got to officially disclaim them for the sake of copyrights, even if it is completely pointless.
Commentator: Forget it (crosses arms) I'm not doing it. We've already disclamed 'Harry Potter' in the previous parodies, not to mention in other fanfics, it should be obvious by now that Anonymius does not own 'Harry Potter' or anything related. I don't even care about the consequences, I'm not doing it, and that's final.
(Silence)
Professor: Do you know what this horribly reminds me of?
Commentator: What?
Professor: That parody of 'One Piece' called 'One Piece The Abridged Series' by Toonlord where a running joke is that Zoro only has three lines per episode and in one episode he's had enough and says an extra line and everything goes uberkaboom.
Commentator:-Uberkaboom?
UBERKABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
Commentator: (Groans) What did I get up to last night? Wait, WHA? WHAT'S HAPPENED TO ME?
Professor: I believe this is the consequence.
Commenator: NO! I can't go out like this? All right, Anonymius does not own 'Harry Potter' or anything related! The following is only a parody. IT'S JUST A PARODY!!
Sammy: It's a bit late now, don't you think? I'm glad I haven't been affected!
Commentator: Can I eat him?
Professor: I'm afraid your species doesn't have that type of diet.
Commentator: Ah, damnit!
Aunt Marge: You shouldn't blame yourselves for how this boy turned out. What did his father do again?
Pertunia: Nothing. He was unemployed.
Aunt Marge: Oh. A drunk, was he?
Harry: That's a lie. My Dad-was not-a drunk.
Aunt Marge: Oh goodness! The lights are flashing and my glass has suddenly exploded. Oh well, I'm sure it was nothing. Despite the obvious warning I will continue insulting the boy's parentage in spite of the continuing flashing lights.
Vernon: Er - Perhaps I should send the boy to bed-
Aunt Marge: Hah! What's he going to do? Just stand there with a blank expression on his face even though I'm insulting his loved ones? He's as emotionally expressive as a block of- (suddenly expands)
Vernon: His emotional expression has improved over the last year.
Vernon: YOU! You put her back, you put her back right now!
Harry: No! She deserved it!
Vernon: Oh come now! She wasn't as nearly nasty as she was in the novel, and what you did to her was far worse than she suffered in the book!
Novel Harry: (through gritted teeth) Don't-rub it-in!
Stan: All aboard on the Deus Ex Machina bus, for lost characters who need some writer intervention to move further on in the plot.
Harry: Well this seems rather convenient.
Stan: Deus Ex Machinas generally are.
Harry: Errr, I don't mean to be critical or anything, but isn't this bus going too quickly?
Stan: Too quickly? We've only got a minute to get you to the Leaky Cauldron, we're not going fast enough!
Stan: The whole thing is that no one before has ever escaped Azkaban, Sirius Black is the first to have done it! In fact, it's such a mystery that how he did it, it won't even be revealed in the film! So it was probably a mistake to mention that particular fact and it'll just confund those who haven't read the book.
Porter: Ah, Mr Potter!
Harry: Oh, hello. I didn't know the leaky cauldron now employed an igor.
What looked like a porter: …I am not an igor! It's me, Tom the bar keep!
Harry: …GOOD GRIEF TOM, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Tom: Apparently the new director didn't think my previous appearance was canon enough.
Harry: Hedwig!
Hedwig: Villain! Vagabond! Charlatan!
Harry: Ow! Ow! OW! Why are you pecking me? Apart from completely forgetting to bring you with me, I mean?
Harry: Erm, Minister, what's my punishment going to be? I broke the law! Under aged wizards aren't supposed to do magic outside school!
Fudge: Oh come now, Harry, if we were that strict about underage wizardry we would have taken you in minutes ago for doing magic at the beginning of the movie!
Ron: Harry!
Hermione: (Breathlessly) Harry!
Commentator: ...There was alot less breath than I would have liked.
Arthur: Harry, the Ministry does not want me to tell you what I am about to say. Nevertheless, I feel that you have the right to know. You are in grave danger.
Harry: Danger?
Arthur: Yes. You see Sirius Black was Voldemort's right hand man. It's true we never had any hardcore evidence to suggest this, but given that he killed 13 people with one curse suggests without uncertainty that he was the second most terrible Death Eater and not some wormtongue-like lacky that nobody respected. Rest assured that this undeniable fact does not stem from the community's irrational fear and easy manipulation by a certain journalist even if certain members of that community were victims of her lies.
Harry: Er. Okay…
Arthur: The point is that Sirius Black has broken out of Azkaban to get to you.
Harry: What makes you so sure?
Arthur: Harry, the fact is undeniable! Recently he's been saying in his sleep 'He's at Hogwarts…He's at Hogwarts…'
Harry: You're right! I'm the only person in the world who is male! Anyway, if it really was me that he was referring to, shouldn't he have started rambling it two years ago when I started Hogwarts?
Arthur: Oh come now, Harry, what do you think he was on about? That he saw recently in a newspaper someone he thought was dead who was, say, disguised as a pet to a boy returning to Hogwarts and he broke out of Azkaban to get that person? Hah! How likely is that?
Harry: (A lot more likely than the theory you've just explained to me that he's after me.). Why do I have the feeling that the ministry just thinks he's after me because they're going by the stupid method of blaming the crime on the closest relative?
Arthur: Relative? HAH! Don't be ridiculous, Harry! Black isn't related to you, or like you're godfather. Did I say Godfather? I meant Godmother, yes, I mean- Oh gosh, look at the time, off you go!
Harry: Yeah. Like that wasn't suspicious.
Ron: Hey, who is that guy?
Hermione: R.J. Lupin. It says so on his suitcase.
(A canary flies in through the window and perches itself on a spare seat)
Canary: I can see this director is no better at hiring actors that closely match the character than the last one.
Ron: AAAAH! THAT CANARY CAN TALK! I knew I shouldn't have eaten those magic mushrooms! Hey, maybe I can speak squabblehawk!
Hermione: (hesitantly) Squabblehawk….?
Ron: Yeah! The language of birds!
Hermione: YOU IDIOT, THERE'S NO SUCH THING, YOU JUST MADE THAT UP ON THE SPOT! Besides, I could hear it talk too and we can't both understand squabblehawk!
Harry: Wait a minute, that voice sounded awfully familiar…Commentator? Is that you? Why the Hell are you suddenly a canary?
Commentator: I missed out on disclaiming 'Harry Potter' and everything related and I got turned into a canary.
(A blue and silver striped cat walks in the compartment and climbs on top of the seat next to the commentator)
Cat: I understand why you got turned but why was I punished?
Harry: PROFESSOR? IS THAT YOU? You're a cat? Hang on a minute, (trying very hard not to grin) you're a cat-and you're a canary?
Commentator: Er-yes…?
BOM BOM BOM BOM
Ron: WHAT'S NEW, PUTTY TAT?
Harry and Hermione: WHOA! WHOAWHOAWHOA! WHOAWHOA!
Ron: WHAT'S NEW, PUTTY TAT?
Harry and Hermione: WHOA! WHOAWHOAWHOA! WHOAWHOA!
Commentator: Yes, yes, we get it, we remind you of Sylvester and Tweetie Pie. Can we please move on?
Ron: PUTTY TAT, PUTTY TAT, I WUV-
Commentator: Silence! (Slaps Ron across the face).
Ron: So you're the Commentator? I always thought you were-
Commentator: Yes, I know. I do not appreciate people expressing doubts over my existence.
Professor: Even though technically you don't exist, like any of us, since you're fictional.
Commentator: …I NEED CHOCOLATE! (Grabs a box of chocolate frogs and starts shaking them into his mouth)
Hermione: Hey, wait a minute! Those frogs was inanimate!
Commentator: Really? I thought they tasted rather lifeless.
Ron: What are you talking about, Hermione? What did you expect the frog to do, suddenly come to life?
Hermione: Yes! That's what they originally did!
Harry: Yeah, I'd think that we'd remember something like that! Anyway, don't you realise what a waste of chocolate that would be? Like the Wizard Chess pieces destroying each other would be a waste of money.
Hermione: …This isn't right. Something has tampered with the fabric of reality. Either that or the director has a bit more common sense than the last one.
Ron: Wait a minute! You were EXPECTING that to be a living chocolate frog?
Commentator: But of course!
Professor: (What is that, you're catchphrase or something?)
Commentator: What did you expect? I am a bird after all!
Professor: Er, Sir, canaries, like other birds in the finch family, only eat seeds, not frogs.
Commenator: - Seriously?
Ron: Heheh, don't you mean 'sewiouswy'?
Commentator: I hope the Dementor sucks you dry of every happy thought and memory in your tiny little mind.
Ron: Dementor? What Dementor?
(Train stops, windows freeze and a hooded figure enters the compartment)
Commentator: THAT Dementor.
Lupin: Don't worry, children! I'll save you from the Dementor without trying to reason with it and thereby get myself into trouble with the Ministry, because for some reason I've been feigning sleep.
Harry: Phew! I'm glad that Dementor's gone! Just in time to stop me from fainting and experiencing-
Dementor Effect: You're not getting off that easily. Now, listen to the scream of your mother that is completely out of context with what happened the night she died.
Harry: What happened?
Ron: You sort of-well-fainted.
Harry: Fainted? But none of you did?
Ron: Nope.
Harry: Hmm. Maybe it was because the dementor was focusing more on sucking out my happiness than the rest of you.
Ron: Please, Harry. If the dementor was causing your face to go all fuzzy, I think we would have noticed.
Malfoy: Hey Potter! Is it true you fainted? I mean you actually fainted?
Harry: How did he find out?
Hermione: There there, Harry-
Harry: No seriously, how did he find out? There were only me, you, Ron, Lupin and the Commentators in that compartment! It's not like someone else walked in and later left after the Dementor!
Malfoy: Let's just say a little birdy told me.
Commentator: Why is everyone instantly looking at me?
Singers: Something wicked this way comes!
(Applause)
Hermione: Wow. I never knew Professor Flitwick had musical talent.
Ron: Who?
Dumbledore: Welcome to another year at Hogwarts. Now, I must remind you that-
Hermione: (Stands up and screams) That's not Albus Dumbledore!
Everyone: …Wha?
Hermione: People, you have to listen to me! That's not Albus Dumbledore! It's an impostor!
Harry: Hermione, what makes you think so?
Hermione: Because it's clearly a different person! He's not even wearing the same style of clothes he wore during the last two years!
Ron: Hermione, don't be thick. He's always worn green!
Dumbledore: Madam Pomfrey, would you be so kind to take Miss Granger to the hospital wing? She's clearly stressed out, probably by her recent encounter with a Dementor. Give her a sedative
Hermione: No! I'm not going anywhere! (Madam Pomfrey takes out her wand) I'm not crazy! I'm not! You've got to listen to me! You've got-(Madam Pomfrey presses her wand on Hermione's neck, causing her to faint. Pomfrey drags her out of the Great Hall).
Harry: Feeling better, Hermione?
Hermione: Yes thank you, I do not know what came over-did they move the Gryffindor section or something?
Harry: Uhuh. I see you're still suffering from delusions of an alternate reality.
Harry: Right then, Ron. What does my teacup say about my future?
Ron: Well (face is screwed up tightly) I can't be completely sure, but I think it says something like in four years time you will discover a shocking and terrible revelation about yourself, but then later it will turn out that you were never in any real danger.
Trelawney: (Snaps around) What? That doesn't sound right at all! Give me that cup! (Snatches it from Ron's hands and looks into it) You can't possibly be reading it-Aaaaah! (Drops the cup) Oh my boy. My poor boy. You have- THE GRIM! (Everyone gasps) Which I'm afraid is a far more plausible prediction than that you survive beyond your seventh year.
Student: (Reading definition) The Grim- a large spectral dog that signifies that death is nea-
Hermione: I'm sorry but-who are you and why haven't I seen you in our classes before?
Ron: Who is- Hermione, you know Gryffindor Boy 1! He's one of the brightest students here!
Hermione: If he's a Gryffindor then why wasn't he featured in that scene where you all eat biscuits that make you sound like animals?
Ron: How do you know what happened in a scene that you weren't in?
Hermione: …I'll stay quiet.
Hermione: I didn't think it looked like a Grim.
Trelawney: My dear, I fear that you're inner eye is not as sharp as mine.
Hermione: What does the inner eye have to do with deciding what certain shapes are in a cup? Surely it's all down to a combination of your outer eye and your personal imagination, surely?
Trelawney: Oh really? You think it's all down to how the individual sees the shape? Then explain how the tealeaves have undoubtably made the exact shape of a Grim!
Hermione: You just pushed the tealeaves into that shape with your thumbs. I saw you!
Trelawney: Hey, I was only drawing with my inner eye as guidance the certain fate for young Mr Potter here.
Commentator: Huh. That's what you think.
Hermione: Divination is the most imprecise branch of magic. It's mostly guesswork and a spooky manner.
Ron: Then why on Earth are you studying Divination if you think it's so rubbish?
Hermione: Hey, there's a price to being a boffin, you know! I'm also taking Muggle Studies, Ancient Runes and Arithmancy, the magical properties of numbers, which is completely sensible compared to Divination.
Ron: …you think that tealeaves, palmistry and crystal gazing, which all have some kind of logical framework, is complete rubbish, but when it comes to numbers having some kind of important significance that shape the world, you think that's rational? Hey, wait a minute! Arithmancy runs parallel to Divination, you couldn't possibly be taking it at the same time!
Hermione: Don't be silly, Ron. How can someone be in two places at once?
Ron: Well given this is the world of magic where anything's possible and not the real world…. You know, I would have thought a real boff would've had the sense not to so blatantly reveal that they're using some kind of magic that's supposed to be used in secret.
Hermione: Phew! I don't remember it taking this long to get to Hagrid's!
Harry: Really? Feels like the same amount of distance to me.
(Walk over a bridge)
Hermione: And I certainly don't remember needing to cross over this bridge to get to Hagrid's! Are we taking a different route or something?
Ron: Nah! It's the same route we always take to get to Hagrid's!
Hermione: …Okay, is this 'lack of continuity between films' joke going to get old anytime soon?
Ron: Probably around the same time that the jabs at Harry's acting gets old.
Harry: QUIET YOU!
Hagrid: Welcome, class, to yeh first-
Commentator: (And last.)
Hagrid: lesson in Care of Magical Creatures! Now-
Hermione: Hagrid? Did you have your hut extended or something?
Ron: Oh give it a rest, Hermione-
Hagrid: Why yes, actually! I'm glad someone noticed! Being a professor means that I'm paid more, so I thought about making the hut bigger.
Hermione: (Breathes out sighs of relief)
Hagrid: Looks great against these hills, don't it?
Hermione: (Weakly) Hills…
Malfoy: This place is going to the dogs, Dumbledore letting that oaf teach us. Why, he's probably just going to throw random monsters at us regardless of how dangerous they are or how much handling they need and waste one year making us care for creatures that aren't even on the curriculum when he should be teaching magical creatures in a structured way, letting us deal with the most harmless creatures before moving on to those with an extra star in 'Fantastic beasts and Where To Find-'
Harry: Shut up, Malfoy.
Commentator: (He has a point, though).
Malfoy: Look, a Dementor! (Harry spins around, looking scared) Haha! Made you look! (Slytherins join in laughter).
Hermione: Poor Harry! This is all your fault, telling Malfoy about the dementor attack!
Commentator: Okay, okay, I admit it! I squawked! But I only ever told one person, I swear!
Ron: And that person would happen to be Draco Malfoy, I take it?
Commentator: So? What's your problem? It was still only one person!
Buckbeak: Squaaaaaawk!
Everyone: Gasp!
(Ron and Hermione hold hands, then realise what they're doing)
Commentator: Oi, stop that! You're not allowed to be intimate until the fourth instalment!
Ron: (Groan) With you stunting our growing attraction, it's no wonder Hermione giving googly eyes to Harry!
Commentator: What! That's an outrage! There shall be no H/H shipping here-
H/H shippers: BOOOOOO!
Commentator: I'd be well aware of any H/H shipping going o-
Ron: She's giving him googly eyes right now!
Commentator: …Ohhh dear.
Hermione: Hagrid, what is that?
Hagrid: This, Hermione, is a Hippogriff, who's-
Malfoy: That's not a Hippogriff.
Hagrid: -I'm sorry?
Malfoy: That's not a Hippogriff. Hippogriffs have the front legs of an eagle, yet that-creature's-body is all horse apart from the wings. How on earth is it supposed to, say, injure a student or scrape the eyes of a giant if it doesn't have any talons?
Hagrid: (Lifts up a leg) It has razor-sharp hooves.
Malfoy: Oh of course! Why wasn't it so obvious before? Yes, razor-sharp hooves! That makes perfect sense-
Harry: (Shut up, Malfoy.)
Malfoy: (Look a Dementor! (Harry spins around, looking scared) Haha! Made you look again! (Slytherins join in his laughter).
Ron: (Actually mate, he does have a point. You were pretty stupid in falling for that again.)
Harry: (Shut up, Weasley).
Hagrid: Right then, Harry! Since yeh the only one who stood up for me, yeh get to ride on the Hippogriff (Starts to pick Harry up).
Harry: Wait, what? AAAAH! Unhand me, you uncouth oaf! Don't you know who I am? (Is placed on Buckbeak's back) Er, shouldn't I be given some tips on how to remain on a Hippogriff while in flight?
Hagrid: What was that, Harry? I didn't quite hear yeh. (Smacks Buckbeak on the bottom, who sets off).
Harry: AAAAAAAH!
(Buckbeak flies away)
Hermione: Erm, Hagrid, I don't mean to sound so critical, but wouldn't it have been a bit more orthodox to only allow Buckbeak to fly around the hut rather than giving him free rein to go anywhere?
Hagrid: Don't worry, Hermione! Buckbeak will be back in a few minutes!
(Hours later)
Nott: I don't think he's coming back, sir.
Hagrid: (A worried look on his face) Oh darnit, I've lost him again.
Ron: It was really bad that Hagrid's first lesson went so badly. We'll probably never have another Magical Creatures lesson again!
Commentator: Excuse me; I believe I've already cracked that manner of joke.
Hermione: Yeah, trust Malfoy to muck things up by getting himself injured by Buckbeak.
Ron: What are you talking about, Hermione? I meant how Buckbeak flew away with Harry, and never came back!
Harry: Hey, he eventually took me back! -Right after we took a trip around the world.
Lupin: Welcome, children, to your first Defence Against the Dark Arts lesson of the year.
Malfoy: (And last)
Commentator: (Stop that! Only I may make obvious comments on the flaws of these films!)
Malfoy: AAAAAH! YELLOW FEATHERS! (Faints)
Commentator (Mutters) Racist.
Lupin: Anyway, today I shall be teaching you how to fight a Boggart. Now, Neville, could you tell me what you fear the most?
Neville: Pr-pr-Professor Snape! (Everyone laughs) You wouldn't find it so funny if the directors hadn't cut out those particular scenes!
(After several attempts at the Boggart, it is now Harry's turn, who clearly faces a Dementor).
Lupin: NOOOOO! (Steps in front of Harry, transforming the Dementor into a moon).
Boggart: Well this just makes your secret a little too obvious.
Lupin: RIDIKULOUS!
Boggart: (Transforms into a balloon that runs out of air) HEY, IT'S NOT TOO RIDICULOUS THAT YOU'RE A- (Gets shut in the wardrobe).
Lupin: Right. Class dismissed.
Hermione: But Professor, it's only been a few minutes into the lesson and we have a full hour to go-
Lupin: I SAID class dismissed! And no homework!
Class: YAY!! YOU'RE THE BEST DEFENCE AGAINST THE DARK ARTS TEACHER WE'VE EVER HAD!
Harry: Professor McGonagall, I was wondering if you could sign this-
McGonagall: No, Potter.
Harry: Yeesh. Why so grouchy?
McGonagall: The new director had the nerve to criticise me for not being as faithful to the character of McGonagall as she is portrayed in the books. Huh!
Commentator: And by doing so, he made you faithful to the character. How ingenious!
Harry: Professor, why didn't you let me take on that Boggart?
Lupin: I thought it was obvious, Harry. I feared that the Boggart would assume the form of Voldemort.
Harry: Er, no it wasn't, since the Boggart clearly turned into a Dementor.
Lupin: ..Oh…errr…oh damn, that's what happens when I don't have my glasses!
Harry: I mean if you really feared that the Boggart would take on the form of Voldemort, why did you even give it the chance to assume the shape of my fear in the first place?
Lupin: …Errr…the lack of my glasses meant I couldn't see who was tackling the Boggart?
Harry: If that's the case then how did you know when it was me who was facing the Boggart?
Lupin: Glasses, Harry, glasses! Haven't I mentioned that, already?
Harry: It's no good hiding behind an ambiguous canon feature of Lupin.
Dumbledore: (Under an umbrella) Well here it is. Another Quidditch match.
Hagrid: Yeh think that with all our magic we could cure something like a rainy day. Not to mention throw fi-ERE! (Looks through binoculars) Did Harry just fly up so high that no spectator can see him?
Dumbledore: Yes. And before you say anything, it's perfectly legit in the rules for a player to fly so high that no one can see what he's doing.
Hagrid: Okay seriously who came up with these crazy rules?
Dumbledore: I think it was the same person who invented the Cheese Cauldron.
(Silence)
Dumbledore: This is the part where you say 'Mmmmmm, Cheese Cauldron...'
Hagrid: Oh sure. The fat guy has an unlimited craving for food.
(A flash and an image of the Grim appears shaped from the clouds)
Harry: The Grim? But I thought you were just a superstition?
Grim: Littlefoot…Littlefoot…
Harry: Buh?
Grim: …That went right over your head, didn't it? Damn, I knew I should've gone for a 'Lion King' reference.
Harry: Ohhh, my head. What happened?
Ron: You sort of-well-fell off your broom.
Harry: I meant in the match.
Hermione: Nobody blames you, Harry. The Dementors were not supposed to be on the pitch. Don't worry; you can always make up for it in the matches against Ravenclaw and Slytherin.
Harry: …What are you talking about Hermione? That was it! I know that your knowledge of Quidditch isn't that strong but come-
Hermione: AAAAAAH! (Runs out of the hospital wing)
Ron: Yeesh. What's up with her?
Harry: Professor, why do the Dementors affect me differently compared to everyone else?
Lupin: Don't worry, Harry. It's not because you're a wussy baby weakling.
Harry: …I never said that.
Lupin: Well…you were definitely thinking it!
Harry: …No…
Lupin: …Anyway, it's because there are horrors in your past that the others do not have.
Harry: If you are referring to the night that Voldemort killed my parents and tried to kill me, you've got to be joking. From what I gathered by watching that flashback, that baby looked hardly traumatised at all!
Lupin: I'm sure he was traumatised on the inside.
Harry: Pfft! That's just an excuse for bad acting! And I should know! Anyway, I'm scared, Professor.
Lupin: And you definitely sound it.
Harry: Was that a sarcastic comment?
Lupin: What? No! I sincerely believe that you are scared.
Harry: You're humouring me, aren't you?
Lupin: No! No! I do think that you are genuinely scared!
Harry: Well anyway, fancy teaching me a few tricks as to how to defend myself against a Dementor?
Lupin: I don't pretend to be an expert on Dementors. I may know what they look like, what's beneath their hood, what their weapons are, how they affect people, what they are born from, what they feed on, that Muggles can't see them, that they can glide instead of walk, got a hundred percent on Dementor questions in my NEWT, and that the only way to defend yourself against them is the Patronus Charm, but I'm definitely not an expert!
Draco: Agh! I'm being hit by an invisible man! Help me Goyle!
Slytherin boy 1: My name's not Goyle! It's Slytherin-
Draco: Yes-it-is!
Hagrid: Once yeh've turned to the dark side, yeh don't care about no one anymore!
Fudge: Hagrid, Hagrid, how many times do we have to tell you this? This is not Star Wars; people do not get seduced by some evil magical energy and are transformed into sociopaths!
Hagrid: Oh really? Yeh expect me to believe that a guy, who defied his dark wizard, pureblood fanatical family for all his life, joining Gryffindor and running away at the age of 16, was really a pureblood fanatical dark wizard the whole time?
Fudge: It's what everyone else believes. Get with the program!
Commentator: It's quite ironic, really. The guy you expect to be the dumbest is possibly in fact one of the smartest characters in this whole universe!
McGonagall: It's worse than you think.
Fudge: Worse? I thought the worse was that he betrayed Harry's parents.
McGonagall: No. He is Harry's Godfather.
Harry: (Stunned) (No. No. That's not true! That's impossible!)
Commentator: (Search your feelings, you know it to be true.)
Harry: NOOOOOOO! NO! (Runs out of the pub)
Harry: (Crying) HE WAS THEIR FRIEND AND HE BETRAYED THEM! HE WAS THEIR FRIEND! WHY DID NOBODY TELL ME?
Ron: This is probably a far-fetched guess, but maybe it's because they knew you'd burst into tears, get really angry and swear bloody vengeance?
Harry: I HOPE BLACK FINDS ME, BECAUSE WHEN HE DOES, I'M GONNA KILL HI-
Ron: Dude, don't you think you're being a little too dark here? I mean I know finding out that Black was your father's best mate and your godfather is quite distressing, but surely it's nothing to cry about, get furious over and swear bloody vengeance on? Possibly to go really numb on, with you not knowing how you got back to Hogwarts, stay in bed all morning and look really ill, plus I always thought you thought that crying was all shameful and-
Harry: (Tears disapperate) First my acting isn't good enough for you people, now it's too much? MAKE UP YOUR MINDS!
Ron: Anyway, what's this with you vowing to murder someone? That's dark, even for you.
Harry: If it was so bad then why doesn't Hermione look more horrified that I've just said I'm going to murder someone? Besides, this is an American production; it's all right to want to kill someone who wronged you!
Hermione: Don't worry about your hearing, Hagrid! I've been doing research and-
Hagrid: That won't help me. I've already had it.
Hermione: What! But I did research!
Hagrid: I'm okay, although the hearing ruled that I was to never organise an onscreen lesson ever again. It's worse for Buckbeak. They thought he was too wild to stay alive!
Hermione: Oh well, there's always the appeal-
Hagrid: No there isn't. There's not enough time for on- Hold on, what's with all the muggle clothing? I imagined that you lot wore your robes all the time while you're at school.
Harry: Hagrid, this is an American production, and school uniforms are unamerican!
Harry: I don't think that map actually works, Professor. Before I saw a name of someone who can't be in the castle.
Lupin: Oh really? Who might that have been?
Harry: Newt Scamander.
Lupin: …That's not possible.
Harry: It's just what I saw. Goodnight.
(Lupin looks troubled).
Harry: Another Divination lesson. (Groan) I hate Divination. Professor Trelawney keeps predicting my death. She's worse than the fans!
Hermione: May I try to crystal gaze?
Trelawney: You may. What do you see in my future?
Hermione: (Face is tightly screwed up as she examines the ball) I'm not too sure…wait, I see something…oh dear. It appears that in two years time you'll be sacked as Divination teacher.
Trelawney: My dear, ever since you walked into my class, I feared that you do not have what it takes to be a real seer.
(Hermione throws the crystal ball at her, just barely missing, and storms out)
(As Harry puts back the Crystal ball, he sees a shape inside)
Harry: Whoa! These things actually work? I thought it was all down to personal belief!
Sirius Black: (Appears in the ball) Harrry Pootterrrr…
(Silence)
Harry: What was the point of that?
Trelawney: It sets the film up for this scary prediction that successfully skives off all the important foreshadowing!
Hermione: (After punching Malfoy) That felt good.
Ron: Not good, brilliant.
Hermione:-Aren't you two supposed to chastise me for hitting someone? I mean, what example are we setting for the children watching this?
Harry: (Laughing) Hermione, this is an American production. Punching someone is a justified form of retribution.
Hermione: (Shrugs) Beats sueing, I guess.
Harry: This is it; prepare to die, Sirius Black!
Lupin: (Appears out of nowhere) Expeliarmus!
(Harry's wand flies out of his hand).
Commentator: Hollld it. I would just like to take this time to tell you all that you only have four minutes to do this entire scene. The time starts: now!
Ron: What! It can't all be covered in four minutes! There's not enough-
Commentator: (Musical tone) Clock is ticking!
Everyone: (Sigh)
Harry: Right then. Lupin, where did you come-
(Lupin hugs Sirius)
Hermione: No! I trusted you! Harry, Lupin's a werewolf!
Shock of Twist: GAK!
Harry: Sirius betrayed my parents!
Lupin: No it wasn't, it was Peter Pettigrew.
Shock of Twist: GAK!
Snape: Expelliarmus! (Sirius' wand flies out of hand) I suppose you're all wondering how I found you all here?
Harry: Well actually-
Snape: WELL TOUGH LUCK! We don't have time (Sense of the Film gaks), so instead I'm just going to ramble on about vengeance to Black.
Writing Quality: GAK!
Sirius: And I'm going to ramble on about your chemistry set back at you!
Audience's Attention: GAK!
Harry: And I'm going to act out of character and hit Professor Snape with an out of character disarming spell!
Harry Potter's Character: GAK!
Expelliarmus' Character: GAK!
Lupin: And now me and black are going to act all meekly and completely out of character!
Lupin and Black's Characters: GAK!
Lupin: The map showed Peter Pettigrew's name!
Harry: The map was lying!
Sirius: The map never lies!
Harry: Wait, how do you know about the map? And for the record, how does Lupin?
Sense of the Film: GAK!
Lupin: Pettigrew's an animagus, and he's masquerading as Ron's rat!
Hermione: HOLD IT! (Time on the clock slows down). Okay, this is just getting stupid.
Harry: Tell me about it.
Hermione: Let me ask you something that doesn't make sense-How can Pettigrew be an animagus? It's just not possible! People would've known he was an animagus, and he would've been registered!
Lupin: I see. So you do not believe that people can be secretive or break the law?
Hermione: …Well…
Harry: Great, Hermione. Of all the questions you could've asked him, you had to address the ONE issue that did not have the audience bamboozled!
(Time speeds up again).
Lupin: Now me and Sirius shall turn Pettigrew back into a man!
Pettigrew: AAAAH!
Lupin: You sold Lily and James to Voldemort, do you deny it?
Pettigrew: I didn't mean to!
Lupin: What, the information just slipped your tongue, did it?
Harry: Hold on, how could Pettigrew be the traitor if Sirius was secret keeper? And how did Sirius break out of Azkaban, and get into the castle?
Continuity: GAK!
Lupin: You should have known Peter, that if Voldemort didn't kill you, we would!
Harry: NO! STOP! You can't kill him!
Sirius: This is coming from the boy who was about to blow my head off a couple of minutes ago.
Harry: Well it's different that he's not my godfather. It makes it less personal!
Clock: TING!
(Everyone breathes harshly)
Professor: Well that scene was pretty awful! Total carnage!
Commentator: I know! Look at that pile of dead! Just laying there…
Professor: (Sigh) All right, I'll clean it up (Takes out a broom).
Harry: There's something I don't get-well actually there's a lot I don't get, but I'm only permitted to ask a different question-If the map never malfunctions then why did it show Newt Scamander?
Lupin: Ah. I found out about that. Apparently he came over to complain to Hagrid why he wasn't using his book 'Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them' as the main text book for Magical Creature Care instead of 'The Monster Book of Monsters.'
Hermione: Oh no! Lupin forgot to take his potion!
Harry: That was pretty absent-minded, Professor. I would have thought that under the threat of possibly biting other people you would have bore it more in mind to take your po-
Lupin: Look, I had a perfectly good reason for forgetting to take my potion! You see grrrr. Grrrr. GRRRRRRR!
Hermione: He's transforming!
Harry: I'm just glad that werewolves in our universe just look like ordinary wolves with a few differences rather than actual wolf-men-(Lupin transforms into a gigantic wolf-man) Then again this is a-
Hermione: We know, we know. It's an American production.
Mysterious female voice: HowOOOOOOOOL!
Harry: Oh come on. There's no way it's actually going to recognised that as a werewolf how- (Lupin gallops away) Oh. I guess there is.
Harry: It was my dad. I saw my dad.
Shock of twist: GAK!
Hermione: Way to kill all of the shock of a twist, Harry. Anyway, we've got bigger problems. They've captured Sirius and are going to remove his soul!
Harry: What? You mean they'll kill him?
Hermione: No, it's much worse. Your body can live without your soul, but-
Harry: I don't see how that's possible. I've always thought that the soul was the living essence of a human being. So how then can your body be alive if the actual stuff that makes it living is gone?
Hermione: …Now Harry, there is a perfectly good explanation for how that's possible. You see- (Dumbledore enters)
Dumbledore: I'm afraid no one is going to believe a few thirteen year olds (Patting Ron's broken leg) No matter how innocent they are.
Ron: Ow! Ow! OW! What's the matter with you? Don't you realise that's my broken leg?
Harry: Unlikely. Dumbledore is very emotionally insensitive. But what if Ron says he's fifteen? Will that convince them a bit more?
Dumbledore: …Actually that could just work. But no! Instead I'm going to give you cryptic information on time and the whereabouts of Sirius. (Leaves them).
Hermione: This is a Timekeeper, Harry! It's how I've been getting to my lessons!
Harry: We have lessons? I mean apart from the odd couple of DADA and Divination lessons and the one MMC, we actually have a full time table?
Hermione: We're in luck, Harry!
Harry: I think it's already been stated that we've gone back in time, which has given us more time to save Sirius.
Hermione: Oh not just that. Whenever normal Hermione Granger puts on the turner of Time and travels back in time, she transforms into the extraordinary SUPER HERMIONE!
Harry: Err…Okay?
Super Hermione: Now, with my super-human intellect, I have deducted that in order to save Sirius, we have to save Buckbeak!
Harry: Err, I'm sure I'M supposed to work out that it's Buckbeak we're supposed to save-
Super Hermione: Super Hermione to the rescue!
Harry: It's Pettigrew! Right, time to change History for the better!
Super Hermione: Harry, you can't! Trust me when I say changing History never goes well!
Harry: Are you saying that because Professor McGonagall told you horror stories of people who try to change History and end up killing their past selves even though that's a paradox and according to the Novikov Self-Consistency Principle paradoxes are impossible?
Super Hermione: Well, that and some personal experience…
1792, Hogwarts
Cockatrice: ROAAARRRR!
Random spectator: AAAAH! The cockatrice has gotten loose!
Random teacher: AAAAH! Somebody save me!
(Super Hermione runs into the scene)
Super Hermione: I'LL save you! (Shoots a spell at cockatrice's head).
Cockatrice: OOF!
(Slumps to the ground. Super Hermione has already disappeared from the scene).
Everyone: HOORAY!
Hogwarts Headmaster: Thank you, mysterious muggle-born girl! You've helped us over-power the cockatrice!
Beauxbatons Headmaster: You know, if the cockatrice had been able to run amok a bit more, I would've suggested that we forget about reinstating the Tri-Wizard tournament.
Durmstrang Headmaster: Instead let it continue for many years to come, and let it remain as dangerous and perilous to the champions and those they love as ever!
Everyone: HOORAY!
Super Hermione: Uh oh. This is going to have serious repercussions in the future…
Harry: Oh you are not going to tell me that you are responsible for all of the differences between the films and the books and the lack of continuity between the films, you're just not.
Hogwarts Headmaster: And in honour of that mysterious muggle-born girl who saved us, we shall make the school uniforms more muggle!
Everyone: HOORAY!
Harry: YOU ARE, AREN'T YOU? I supposed you are also responsible for the lifeless chocolate frogs?
Super Hermione: Hey, I did the Wizarding World a favour! If that had been allowed to continue as it was, some of the Chocolate Frogs would have changed sex, they would have started breeding and in millions of years the human race would have been taken over by giant, sentient Chocolate Frogs.
Harry:...You're kidding right?
Super Hermione: Sadly no. I went into the future and saw Big Ben half buried in the beach.
Harry: What happened to changing History is bad?
Super Hermione: Harry, in case you weren't paying attention, Continuity died a long time ago.
Harry: Why aren't we getting out of there?
Super Hermione: I have an idea! (Throws stones at past Harry and jar that makes them notice the coming delegation).
Harry: Wait a minute; did you just interfere in the timeline without any permission from an authority character like Dumbledore?
Super Hermione: Yeah. So?
Harry: …That's against your character, isn't it?
Super Hermione: Screw my character; I'm a super heroine!
Commentator: Oh for the love of Isis, are we going to have a 'Yu-Gi-Oh the abridged series' reference in every one of these parodies?
Professor: It would really shock me if we don't.
Harry: Come on, Buckbeak, it's time to go! Oof! (Falls over).
Super Hermione: HAHAHA! Silly Sidekick, that's not the way to do it. Now, let me lure Buckbeak with my amazing ferret throwing skills!
(Harry and Super Hermione wait for the others to leave the Whomping Willow. Night falls).
Commentator: (Appears between the two swinging his legs) My, my, isn't this a romantic scene? (Harry and Super Hermione glare at him) Er, platonic. I meant platonic. Yes.
Super Hermione: Now let me distract the werewolf with my Werewolf howl power! HowOOOOOOOOL! (Lupin moves away from Past Harry).
Harry: How on Earth did you do that? I tried baaring to a bunch of sheep during the summer and they just ignored me.
Hermione: Perhaps you weren't saying anything of importance.
Harry: Wait, what happened to the 'super' in front of your name?
Hermione: Oh no! The effect of the time turner has worn off!
Harry: And Professor Lupin is coming this way!
Harry: See, this is what happens when you usurped my role as the hero! Your powers eventually wear off and I remain useless. I don't know about you, but I'm hoping for a Deus ex Machina.
Hermione: Harry, I don't share your faith in Deus ex machina. I believe in a rational and logical conclusion to a crisis that can be perfectly explained-
(Buckbeak comes out of nowhere and beats Lupin away)
Harry: Now do you believe, Hermione?
Hermione: (shrugs) Meh. It was just convenient.
Harry: Hermione, that's what a Deus ex Machina is. A convenient way to wrap up a crisis!
Harry: Right. It's time to redeem myself as the hero. EXPECTO PATRONUM!
(Giant shield appears that drives away all of the dementors)
Harry: Huh. I was sure that happened differently before.
Harry: Hey, since when did Hogwarts have a jail cell?
Sirius: Harry! Hermione! How did you-
Harry: No time to explain! We've got to get you out of here!
Sirius: You won't be able to. These bars are immune to every canon spell in existence.
Hermione: Then we'll just have to use a non-canon spell. Bombarde!
Sirius: I'll be forever grateful to the both of you.
Harry: I want to go with you.
Hermione: Er, guys? I really think we should get moving by now.
Sirius: One day perhaps. But not now.
Harry: But you're innocent!
Hermione: Oh sure, just ignore me.
Ron: How did you get there? And now you're here?
Hermione: What is he talking about, Harry?
Harry: I don't know. Honestly Ron, how can two people be in two places at once? Is there a reason why we're still keeping it a secret even though it was pretty obvious something magical has happened?
Hermione: No, not really.
Lupin: I'm afraid I've resigned. Snape let it 'slip' that I was a werewolf to the Slytherins.
Harry: Oh well. If it was just an accident-
Lupin: 'Slipped' like you let it 'slip' to Lucius Malfoy that Dobby had been helping you.
Harry: Oh.
Hermione: I've returned the Time Turner.
Ron: Oh, so NOW you've decided to act as if you told me about it.
Hermione: I can't have another year like this one. That Time Turner was driving me mad. Plus I have the eerie feeling that it was killing my brain cells.
Harry: Hey, a package! (Opens it) Wow! A Firebolt!
Hermione: There's a note!
Letter: Dear Harry, I meant for this to reach you on Christmas day, but it was held up by the Filmmakers.
Harry: I wonder how I got through the matches against Ravenclaw and Slytherin without a new broom?
Hermione: Wait! I thought you said-earlier- AAAAH!
Harry: Just kidding Hermione. Anyway, I think I'll give this new broom a spin.
Malfoy: Hey! He can't possibly be allowed to fly outside of school boundaries-
Hermione: Shove it, Malfoy.
Ron: He's the hero. He's allowed to screw the rules.
Malfoy: That explains a lot.
THE END