Allergies
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A/N: Hello, everyone! This… is kind of ridiculous, I'm afraid… It was fun to write, though. It's been sitting in the back of my computer for ages and I finally got around to finishing it. Hope you all enjoy it!
Oh, plus, I'm putting it up to celebrate my "FF birthday." As of today (the 15th, that is) my account is four years old! Woo!
Disclaimer: I do not own anything recognizable. Including, but not limited to: Criminal Minds and the characters. I do have makeup, though. And lots of Benadryl. I got my allergy off the internet and out of personal experience, but I can't assure complete accuracy.
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A difference of taste on jokes is a great strain on the affections.
~T.S. Eliot
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The party had long since wound down. It was a blessedly slow Friday after a tough case and Garcia had decided that everyone was in dire need of some cheering up and invited the members of the BAU over for a movie night. Hotch had declined staying very long as he had to get home to Jack. Rossi had left shortly after Hotch. JJ and Will had been the next to go, saying they had to relieve the babysitter. Emily had gone shortly after Reid had dozed off on one end of the couch.
Now Morgan and Garcia remained, nursing their last beers and watching the credits roll by. "What does it say about me as a hostess if my guests fall asleep?" Garcia asked, looking over at Reid.
"Don't take it personally, baby girl." Morgan told her with a chuckle. "I'm pretty sure he lived at the police station on the last case; he didn't sleep at all."
"Aw, poor baby." Garcia said.
Morgan laughed quietly. "Don't let him hear you call him that."
"Do you think I should wake him up?"
"Good luck with that. When he falls asleep after a case, he's dead to the world for hours. We always figured that's how he recharges that superhuman brain of his." Morgan joked.
Garcia grinned too, a mischievous glint in her eye. "So you're saying he's a heavy sleeper?" She asked.
"Why do you think I don't like sharing a room with the kid? I have to wake him up."
Before Morgan knew what she was doing, Garcia reached over and poked Reid's cheek. "Reid." He didn't stir.
Poking him harder and even shaking him a little, Garcia continued trying to wake the genius. "Reid… Reee-eeid. Spencer!" At the call of his first name in tandem with being shaken, Reid shifted on the couch.
"Mm…" He mumbled something unintelligible but did not wake up.
"Yeesh, you weren't kidding." Garcia said, sitting back on the couch.
"Nope." Morgan shook his head and downed the last of his beer.
When he put the bottle down and looked back up at Garcia, she was grinning again. "What's that look for?" He asked warily.
"Oh, nothing." She said innocently, breaking eye contact with Morgan only to glance down at Reid.
Suddenly, it dawned on Morgan what Garcia was thinking. "Baby girl, no." He shook his head. "I know it's tempting to play a prank on him while he's sleeping, but it's a bad idea."
"Ah, c'mon, it won't hurt. Where's your sense of adventure?" Garcia teased.
"My sense of adventure is just fine, but my desire to prank Reid is dead."
"Aw, why?"
"Because the kid gets you back."
Garcia giggled. "Morgan, I think even I could take Reid."
"You kidding?" Morgan shook his head. "You're smart, momma, but you're no match for a genius with three PhDs and a well-developed sense of irony… trust me."
Garcia seemed to consider this for a moment before she shrugged. "My sweet genius would do anything to me. And anyway, I've always wondered what he would look like with a little guy-liner."
"A little what?"
"Guy-liner. Eyeliner on guys. You always call him 'pretty boy' and you're right… I just wanna see him with a little makeover."
Garcia moved to her purse and pulled out an eye pencil, then moved over to Reid. "Garcia, that's just mean. Don't put makeup on Reid." Morgan said, wondering if he'd ever thought those words would come out of his mouth.
It was too late, though, as Garcia had already begun penciling a thin black line along Reid's lash line. Reid didn't stir. "It's only a little." Garcia said, concentrating on her work.
"You're going to poke his eye out with that thing."
"No I won't. I am a makeup master. Look, see? He's fine." Garcia pulled away to reveal one eye done.
Morgan snorted with suppressed laughter. "That looks ridiculous." He said.
"Well, that's because I haven't done the other eye yet." Garcia told him going back to work.
When she pulled back again, there was eyeliner on both of Reid's eyelids. He shifted slightly and brought a hand up to rub his eyes, which undoubtedly itched. The eyeliner smudged slightly and Garcia scowled. "Don't do that." She scolded, leaning forward to fix the lines.
"Mmkay…" Reid mumbled in his sleep.
Garcia grinned. "See, he's going along with it."
"Baby girl, he's asleep. I suppose now you're going to put on- what? Eye shadow?"
"Sure, why not?" Garcia went over to where she kept her makeup.
"Oh, bring the violent purple you always wear, he'll look great in that." Morgan called sarcastically after her.
"Don't be silly." Garcia told him, coming back to the couch. "Reid needs earth tones."
"Of course, why didn't I think of that?" Morgan rolled his eyes before sobering slightly. "Garcia, I'm serious, you shouldn't be doing this. Reid is going to kill you."
"If he kills me, he'll have to kill you too, because you're the one letting me do it." Garcia said in a sing-song tone.
She hummed slightly as she applied eye shadow to Reid. "This is just wrong." Morgan shook his head, though he sat, fascinated by the process.
"But, look, he looks great, doesn't he?" Garcia asked, putting down the eye shadow and picking up her mascara brush.
"No, and that's definitely enough. You don't need to go poking that freaky brush in his eye." Morgan said firmly.
"It's mascara. And, honestly, if he's wearing eye shadow and eyeliner, he needs mascara. What kind of makeup artist would I be if I let him go without it?"
Garcia brushed some onto his eyelashes and just as she screwed the top back on, Reid shifted on the couch, stretched, and sat up. Garcia quickly swept the makeup under her coffee table and sat back on the couch between Morgan and Reid. Reid blinked a few times and looked blearily over at the other two. "Did I fall asleep?" He asked, stifling a yawn.
Unable to speak, Garcia nodded, attempting to keep her face neutral. Reid seemed to mistake her squelched amusement for irritation. "I'm so sorry, Garcia. I didn't mean to offend you, I was just so tired." He said, becoming more awake.
"It's fine." Garcia managed to choke out.
Reid finally seemed to notice her and Morgan's odd behavior. "What's up with you guys?" He asked, raising an eyebrow, an action which only made Morgan and Garcia's jobs harder.
Morgan was the first to break into a smile, though he managed not to laugh outright, and Garcia joined him. "Do I have something on my face?" Reid asked.
"Yeah… yeah, you do…" Morgan chuckled.
Reid wiped around his mouth with his hand, wondering if perhaps he had drooled in his sleep. "Did I get it?"
Garcia shook her head, giggling a little. "You'd better go look in the mirror…"
Eyebrows furrowed in confusion, Reid stood to go to Garcia's bathroom and look in the mirror. Morgan and Garcia waited on the couch where, a moment later, they hear Reid's strangled shout of shock. "What the hell?" He yelled, storming out of the bathroom. "You- you put makeup on me while I was asleep?"
He sounded so angry, Garcia actually felt sorry. "I just couldn't resist, Reid, I'm sorry. But you have to admit, you look pretty fabulous." Morgan nudged Garcia slightly, as if to say that wasn't a very good point.
"What kind of excuse is that? Who- who the hell puts makeup on their coworkers while they're asleep?" He asked incredulously.
"I'm sorry, it seemed funny at the time… there's some washcloths in the bathroom; you can wash it off." Garcia told him.
Reid stomped back into the bathroom and shut the door. Garcia looked sheepishly over at Morgan and Morgan shot her an 'I told you so' look. "I think you're gonna have some apologizing to do when he gets out of there." He told her.
"Yeah… but he did look good…" She pointed out with a hint of devious grin.
Morgan opened his mouth to respond, but Reid's voice from the bathroom cut him off. "Garcia, it's not coming off!"
"What? Let me see." She said, standing to face the bathroom.
The bathroom door swung open to reveal Reid, whose face was wet, but the makeup was only a little smudged. "Oh, right, my makeup is all waterproof." Garcia suddenly remembered.
"What? How am I supposed to get it off?" Reid's voice gained an octave.
"Relax, there's some makeup remover in the drawer by the sink. Put it on a cotton pad and use it to take off the makeup."
Reid disappeared back into the bathroom. Garcia heard him rummaging around in the drawer before he reappeared. "It isn't there." He said.
Garcia's brows furrowed in confusion and she went into the bathroom to look for herself. Then she remembered that she had run out of remover last night and had forgotten to get more. "Oh, my gosh, Reid, I'm all out, I'm sorry!"
Reid's face was rapidly gaining color and Garcia was pretty sure it wasn't from embarrassment this time. "There's a Wal-Mart a couple blocks away, I'll go get some more, okay?" She said hurriedly before Reid could start yelling again. He didn't lose his temper often, but when he did…
Rushing back out into the living room, where she put her shoes back on, snatched up her coat and headed for the door. "I'll be back in no more than 15 minutes." She promised loud enough for Reid to hear her in the bathroom.
After the door shut, Reid ventured out of the bathroom, rummaged through his messenger bag and pulled out a pair of large sunglasses, which he pushed onto his face. He then sat down in a chair by the couch and looked over at Morgan. "Don't look at me that way." Morgan told the genius, glancing over at him.
"I'm wearing sunglasses, you can't know how I'm looking at you." Reid said in a clipped tone.
"I know exactly how you're looking at me, even with the sunglasses on. And why are you wearing those things anyway? I've already seen how you look."
"Because you'll laugh at me if I take them off and I'm already angry with you. There's no need to make it worse."
"I'm not going to laugh at you if you take them off. I promise." Morgan said with all possible sincerity.
Reid sighed and pushed the glasses down so his eyes were shown over the frames. Morgan prepared to hold back his laughter but any chuckles that may have come died when he saw the skin around Reid's eyes. It was very red and irritated. However, Morgan didn't think it would do any good to bring that up now. "See? I'm not laughing at you."
Sighing again, Reid pulled the glasses off the rest of the way and tossed them on top of his bag. In the next 10 minutes, Morgan watched Reid carefully, growing increasingly concerned about the red bumps forming on his face. Every time Reid lifted a hand to rub at his eyes, Morgan made noise of disapproval. "That's only gonna make it worse." He chastised.
"Make what worse?" Reid asked.
"Uh… the makeup. You'll smudge it if you keep rubbing at it and then you won't be nearly as pretty." Morgan forced some humor into his voice and grinned at Reid.
Reid responded by crossing his arms over his chest and glaring, an act which would have been more threatening if not accompanied by dolled-up eyes and what could quite possibly be hives. "Besides the… obvious, do my eyes look weird?" He asked Morgan after a moment.
"What? Why?"
Reid shrugged. "They're kind of hard to keep open, they feel a bit swollen. And my face is starting to itch like crazy."
Morgan shrugged in return. "I… can't really tell under all the makeup." He said noncommittally.
A few minutes later, when Morgan heard the door open, he jumped up to meet Garcia. She looked at him oddly when he leaned down to whisper in her ear. "Reid's allergic to the makeup."
Garcia's eyes widened. "What? We have to…" She begun to speak loudly, dropping the bag of makeup remover on the floor.
Morgan placed his hand gently over her mouth. "Shh. He doesn't know. I didn't want to freak him out until we had something to take it off with." He told her quietly.
"Garcia, did you get the makeup remover?" Reid called from the living room.
There was no irritation in his voice anymore, he sounded worried. "Yes, my junior g- Oh, my God, Reid!" Garcia stopped mid-sentence when she entered the living room and saw Reid.
His eyes were swollen nearly shut and there were irritated red spots surrounding them. "I think I'm allergic to your makeup." He said, reaching up to touch his eyes.
"Ya think?" Morgan asked, pushing the genius' hand down.
"Reid, I think we have to take you to the hospital." Garcia said, tugging Reid out of the chair he was sitting in.
"I don't think that's entirely necessary…" Reid said haltingly, pulling his hand out of Garcia's grip.
"What do you mean, not entirely necessary? Reid, have you seen your face?" Garcia asked incredulously.
"Well, no, I'm having a little trouble opening my eyes all the way," Reid said harshly before his tone softened and became close to the scholarly one Morgan and Garcia were accustomed to hearing. "This is most likely just allergic contact dermatitis. If I get it off, it should go away with time. Do you have any antihistamines?"
The question was met with silence. "Benadryl is an antihistamine." Reid came the closest to sounding exasperated at someone's lack of knowledge either of his friends had ever heard. "Do you have any?"
"Yeah, yeah, I do." Garcia nodded eagerly, pulling the makeup remover out of the bag and heading into the bathroom.
Reid followed her in, narrowly avoiding walking into the doorjamb, and accepted the bottle of Benadryl she held out. "May I have the makeup remover, please?" He asked stiffly, holding his hand out.
"It's on the counter, Reid." Garcia, pointed, reminding herself that Reid's perpetual squint was not funny in the least. "Just do what I told you before; it'll take the makeup right off."
"Right." Reid nodded, then just looked at her. At least, she was fairly sure he was looking at her; it was a little difficult to tell.
It took a moment before Garcia realized that he was waiting for her to leave. "I'll be right outside if you need anything, okay?" She said as she stepped out of the bathroom.
In lieu of a reply, Reid slammed the door behind her. Garcia looked up at Morgan, who had been standing just outside the door and then looked back towards the bathroom. "He's taking this harder than I thought he would…" She admitted. "Allergic reactions aside, he was still really upset."
Morgan sighed. "I warned you, baby girl." He admonished. "Hell, I'd be pretty pissed, too."
"Yeah, well, it's not like you tried too hard to stop me." Garcia shot back. "We'll just have to make it up to him, is all."
The agent considered protesting, but realized guilt by association would probably be no different than actually committing the crime in Reid's mind. "I guess so." He admitted.
10 minutes later, the bathroom door opened, revealing a makeup-free yet still puffy-eyed Reid. "Can one of you please give me a ride home?" He asked, seeming less irate than when Garcia had first gotten back. "My vision is still a little bleary…"
"Reid, I think you should stay here so I can keep an eye on you." Garcia said carefully. "You're not looking too hot."
"One of the chief side effects of Benadryl is drowsiness. I am going to be very tired very soon. And I'm not very sure I ought to fall asleep while either of you are in the vicinity." The genius replied, sounding more neutral than irritated.
"I promise you, I will never do anything of the sort ever again, mon ami." Garcia pledged, taking one of Reid's hands and leading him over to the couch. "And Morgan technically didn't have anything to do with it. But we're both sorry, we really are."
Still looking rather dubious about the arrangement, Reid allowed himself to be led over to the couch and took a seat. "Why would think that was even remotely a good idea?" He asked, crossing his arms and leaning back to look at Garcia and Morgan.
"Well…" Garcia glanced over at Morgan, who put his hands up in a defensive position.
"Now don't look at me. I told you this was a bad idea from the beginning." He said quickly.
"You weren't trying that hard to stop me, y'know…" Garcia said again.
"I was telling you that you shouldn't be doing it…"
"You thought it was funny."
"No, I said it was wrong, and I…"
"But you…"
"Don't start…"
"Anyway, can I really help it if you look so fabulous in makeup?" Garcia finally managed to speak over Morgan, addressing Reid this time.
Reid, who had been looking back and forth between the tech and agent as they bickered, raised an eyebrow at Garcia. "Fabulous?" He asked, sounding somewhat confused.
"Yes, fabulous. And further more…" The tech began, but was cut off by Reid's yawn.
It was Garcia's turn to raise an eyebrow as she watched the genius yawn rather loudly, shut his eyes and rest his head on the back of the couch. "You're getting tired already? Just how much Benadryl did you take in there?" She asked, only half-teasing.
"I attempted to calculate how much someone of my body mass would need to take for the type of reaction I was having, then I had a little trouble seeing the measurements on the cup clearly and I think I may have spilled some…" Reid explained, then paused for a small yawn. "I think I ended up taking quite a bit."
"You couldn't just read the box? And how much is quite a bit?" Garcia asked, sounding somewhat nervous.
Eyes still closed, Reid scrunched his eyebrows as though he was thinking. "I'm not sure."
"You're not going to die, are you?" The tech questioned, not entirely sure if she was joking or not.
Reid shrugged. "I highly doubt it, though stranger things have happened, I suppose."
Garcia grew more nervous for a moment, before she saw the small, tired smile curling at the corners of her friend's mouth. She scowled and smacked Reid lightly on the shoulder, but calmed down quickly. "I'll get you a blanket."
In the time it took Garcia to retrieve a blanket and pillow and then usher Morgan out of her apartment with assurances, Reid was fast asleep.
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The following Monday, Garcia came into work earlier than usual, hoping to beat Reid to his desk. She approached the bullpen and noted that all the desks were empty but one. "Hey, hot stuff, what're you doing here so early?" She addressed Morgan, who was just settling down at his desk.
"Looks like the same thing as you, mama." Morgan replied, gesturing to the two cups of steaming coffee in the tech's hands. "Which one of those is for Reid?"
"The one smothered in whipped cream, of course." Garcia answered, placing one of the cups on Reid's desk then turning back to Morgan. "What did you bring as restitution?"
Morgan pointed to the desk where Garcia had just placed the coffee. "See for yourself."
On top of a pile of folders, where Garcia had failed to notice it, was a glazed cinnamon-swirled doughnut. "Ooh, nice touch." She paused and nibbled her red-pained bottom lip in indecision for a moment. "Do you think that'll be enough to get him to forgive us for Friday?"
The agent before her shrugged, but before he could answer, Reid came into the bullpen. "Morning, guys." He greeted, dropping his bag and coat on his chair.
The two already present agents searched the genius' face for any signs of irritation, but all they could discern was that he had chosen to wear glasses that day and that his eyes were still a little red. "Good morning, my sweet genius," Garcia greeted brightly. "How are you feeling?"
"Fine. There are still a few spots you can see, but they're not really irritated so…" He trailed off with a shrug, then noted the cup on his desk. "Hey, who brought me coffee?"
"I did. Your favorite; and Morgan brought you a doughnut." Garcia drew the man's attention to the confection on top of the pile of folders.
"Oh," The thin agent smiled and grabbed the doughnut, inspecting it momentarily. "Thanks. I…"
Before he got any further, a voice from above cut in. "Reid, when you have a minute, I could use your opinion on something." Hotch was calling from the catwalk, having come out of his office shortly after Reid arrived.
"Sure, I'll be up there in a sec." Reid called back.
Hotch nodded and returned to his office, leaving the door open behind him. Reid snatched up his bribe-coffee and headed towards the catwalk. "Hey, Reid!" Garcia shouted after him.
"Hm?" Reid stopped walking and turned back to face Morgan and Garcia.
"Are we even now?" The tech asked, gesturing towards the sugary items in the genius' hands.
"Huh? Oh…" Reid looked at the items before looking back up and shaking his head. "Nope. Thanks for breakfast, though."
He raised the cup of coffee to the two of them with a smirk before turning to head up to Hotch's office. Inwardly, he wondered if he should wait to see if they brought him anything else before he exacted his revenge. The thought made him grin, even if his eyes still stung slightly.
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It is the ability to take a joke, not make one, that proves you have a sense of humor.
~ Max Eastman
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A/N: This was much longer than I thought it would be… didn't end up the way I thought it would, either. Ah, well. I hope it gave some of you a laugh, at least!