Commentator: Hello all! I'm feeling very happy today! Professor, ask me why I'm feeling happy?
Professor: (Groan) Why are you feeling happy, sir?
Commentator: Well, apart from being out of that canary form from the last parody, I got word from Anonymius that he discovered something very interesting about how hits are calculated for fanfics. It seems that there's a button on the page the reader can press to skip to the next chapter. If the system didn't count these as hits, then the hits wouldn't show up in the stats!
Professor: ...So wait, nothing's actually been confirmed yet?
Commentator: ...Well, no... but it's pretty obvious as to why later chapters have less hits than the first, so it means the others aren't box office bombs!
Professor: But Sir! If nothings been confirmed, then you can't be sure-
Commentator: IT'S-THE-REASON! So speaking of which, Professor! What does the scouter say about the total number of hits for Harry Potter Abridged (With Commentary)!
Professor: Hmm. (Fiddles with glasses) This joke is gonna get old soon. Oh my! It's-it's-IT'S OVER 600!
Commentator: WHAT, 600? Hehe, you know what that means, don't you Prof?
Professor: I dread to think.
Commentator: It means that along with 15 positive reviews, 9 favourite story add ons, and 8 story alerts, Harry Potter Abridged (With Commentary) is undoubtedly the most popular of Anonymius' fanfics!
TADA!
Harry: Congratulations, Commentator!
Commentator: The Golden Trio? What are you doing here?
Ron: We heard that this parody became the most popular of Anonymius' fanfics, so to reward your success, we thought we'd give you a little present.
Commentator: A present? What is it?
Hermione: Well, here are two reviews (Holds them up), and there's something on them.
Harry: Here's the thing: You have to work it out, and comment on them, in exactly 20 minutes!
Commentator: Oh yeah, two reviews in . That's REALLY hard!
Harry: Yeah, when we came up with this plan, we weren't expecting there to be so few reviews with a lot of time to spare.
Commentator: Gasp, you mean I get to do a fully fledged Review Special? And there's an Easter Egg as well? Oh guys! (Hugs them) This is the best present I could have ever asked of you!
Ron: Wait, weren't we clear that this was just a plan to get back at you for doing the big revelation scene from the last parody in a ridiculous amount of time so that every twist, revelation, common sense or piece of continuity just died?
Professor: You know what at the moment I don't think he cares. He's just happy to finally be able to do his Review Special without any cuts or interruptions.
Commentator: Right then, let's take a look at that first review. Hey, it's from my favourite reviewer of all! Darkgreenpriestess! Let's see what she has to say:
The Commentator's a bird? I still love him ! (hugs him)
Awesome abridged, I love it.
Commentator: Awwww. See that, Professor? She gave me a hug!
Professor: Oh quit bragging about your fan-girl!
Commentator: You're just jealous!
Professor: Hey! I could get a fangirl if I wanted to! I just don't want to!
Commentator: Er, okay. And don't worry, Darkgreenpriestess, I was only a canary in the last parody because I foolishly refused to disclaim Harry Potter and anything related. (Even though it was pretty obvious that Anonymius does not own Harry Potter or anything related. Grrrr.) However, even if I was a bird in my natural form, it's good that you can see past it. Hey, what's this on the back? (Places it on the ground) Now then, moving on to the second review. This one is from a newcomer, Mano153:
haha i totally love this story...and i definitely love the land before time reference!! about time it got some much deserved attention!
Grim: HOORAY! My 'Land Before Time' reference wasn't so obscure after all!
Commentator: Shut up, Grim! Go play with Billy and Mandy!
Professor: I thought we didn't tolerate bad jokes in this series?
BOM BOM BOM CH
Commentator: How do you keep doing that?
Professor: Doing what?
Commentator: You know! that 'BOM BOM BOM CH!'
Professor: I have no idea what you're talking about.
Commentator: Well anyway-Hey, there's something on the back of this too! Hmm, let's see, put them together, switch them around a little, and you get- GASP!
Professor: What is it?
Commentator: Arrrgh! (Pulls an eye-patch over his eye) It be a treasure map!
Ron: Where did he get that eye-patch?
Harry: Oh dear, so it seems that you can't spend any time commentating if you're off treasure hunting then, doesn't it?
Commentator: Hmm. I guess you're right. Professor!
Professor: Boss?
Commentator: I want you to go check this out!
Hermione: What? No! You can't possibly commentate on this parody all by yourself! It'll be like Batman without Robin!
Commentator: As shown in the recent movies, Batman can do just fine without Robin.
Sammy: Hey! With the Professor gone, that means there's an empty seat for Assisting Commentator! That means I can become your assistant again!
(Commentator stares at Sammy. He then grabs him by the tail)
Commentator: And take Sammy with you as a Comic Relief Sidekick.
(Throws him at the Professor).
Commentator: Okay then! Now without further ado-
Professor: (As he leaves) Don't forget to disclaim!
Commentator: Yes thank you Professor I was just about to do that. Ahem, Anonymius does not own Harry Potter or anything related. If I said something like This applies to future chapters in this fanfic, would that exempt me from doing it for the next few chapters?
Professor: No! I think you have to do it for every installment!
Commentator: Man, these guys sure are picky! And without further ado, here's 'Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire Abridged (With Commentary).'
Frank: Flaming kids…hold on, I hear what sounds like a high, cold voice. (Gasp) THERE'S A DALEK IN THE MANSION! Quick! Somebody get a Doctor! Is there a Doctor in the house?
Commentator: HE'S a Doctor!
(Points to Barty Crouch Jr).
Frank: Oh. Well, nothing to worry about then!
Nagini: Hissar see sooya…
Voldemort: WHAT'S THAT, MY SNAKE? SOMONE'S JUST OUTSIDE THE ROOM?
Frank: I must be hearing things. Since when do snakes make any sound other than hissing?
Voldemort: I SEE HIM. EX-TER-MI-NATE! EX-TER-MI-NATE! EX-TER-MI-NATE!
Harry: AHH! AHH!
Female voice: Harry, are you all right?
Harry: Yes, I'm fine Aunt Pertuni-Wait a minute! You're not Aunt Pertunia!
Hermione: Well spotted, Harry. I'm Hermione, your clever best friend for four years now.
Harry: You don't have to patronise me. (Looks around) Where are we?
Hermione: At the Burrow, Harry.
Ron: (Wakes up) Was goin on?
Hermione: Nothing serious. Harry is just experiencing some minor short-term amnesia. I warned you that egg sandwich had trans-dimensional space parasites in it!
Harry: But why hasn't the film started with the Dursleys?
Hermione: Well, there was a lot of material that needed to be cut out, and the Dursleys scenes found their way in the rubbish bin…
Harry: WHAT! BUT YOU CAN'T CUT OUT THE DURSLEYS! THEY'RE LIKE MAIN CHARACTERS!
Hermione: Yes, yes, I'm sure all the Dursley fans are just as outraged as you are.
Harry: What fans?
Hermione: Precisely. But don't worry; you've been spared some unnecessary, horrible verbal abuse. NOW BOTH OF YOU, GET OUT OF BED AND DRESSED NOW! (Storms out of the room).
Harry: Yeesh, where did THAT come from?
Ron: Who died and made her Queen?
Ron: What's that on the top of that hill?
Arthur: …You mean besides a mouldy old boot?
Ron: …Of course!
Arthur: And here is our tent.
Harry: Wow! It's bigger on the inside than on the outside!
Arthur: Yes, it was produced by a company owned by Barty Crouch Jr.
Draco: Father and I were able to get seats in the Minister's booth, so there!
Ron: Hang on! We're ALSO supposed to have seats in the Minster's booth! What happened?
Arthur: They were given away to the Commentator.
Harry: I thought the commentators had their own booth?
Arthur: No, no, not the commentators for the match. The OTHER commentator...
Commentator: This is payback for trying to get rid of me! Although The booth isn't as luxurious as I imagined. I actually think everyone else has better seats-
Draco: Shut up, shut up, SHUT UP!
Harry: Hey! Who was that man who shot a spell in the sky?
Barty Crouch Sr: Who indeed.
Hermione: (Gasp) Harry, look up there, in the sky!
Fred: It's a bird!
George: It's a plane!
Ron: No, It's-
(WHACK!)
Hermione: Sorry about that. Anyway, that's HIS mark!
Harry: Whose, Dumbledore's?
Hermione: …No, no, no, HIS mark!
Harry: …What, the Commentator's?
Hermione: ……No, no, tall guy, wears a lot of black, spends most of his spare time killing people….?
Harry: You mean Darth Vade-
Hermione: LORD VOLDEMORT! (Shrieks) Now look what you made me do! You made me say his name!
Harry: Why should you care? You were raised in the muggle world just like me; you weren't raised to fear his name.
Hermione: HOW DARE YOU GIVE ME YOUR LOGIC!
Harry: Oh come on, you don't see the others who lived during Voldemort's terror or those raised in the wizarding world to fear his name squealing-Hey, hang on a minute, why AREN'T you lot squealing at the sound of the name of 'He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named?'
Barty Crouch Sr.: It's all right, people, move along, move along!
Harry: (Sigh), They're wearing earplugs, aren't they?
Hermione: Someone must have tipped them off about Voldemort's name about to be said.
Harry: There you go; you just said his name without shrieking-
Hermione: OH SHUT UP!
Harry: Just who were those guys in the Skeletor masks and the Ku Klux Klan hoods?
Arthur: Death Eaters. Yoonohoo's old followers.
Harry: And what were they doing attacking everyone? I mean, what was the point?
Arthur: What was the point? (Laughing) Harry, bad guys don't need a point for doing things! They do them because they're evil!
Harry: Oh. I presumed there was something premeditated in their goals. You know, like torturing a muggle family because of their creed about the superiority of wizards.
Arthur: (Laughing) Bad guys premeditating! Oh Harry, where do you get your silly ideas?
Hermione: So, I saw you eyeing Cho Chang earlier…
Harry: What? No I wasn't! I-all right I was! But I'm not sure what to do, so I've taken Smallville's Clark Kent as my role model.
Ron: I was wondering why you were wearing red and blue all film and had your hair longer.
Commentator:…You chose Clark Kent, the boy with the worst, most tormenting relationship in all of Teen Drama?
Harry: …Well…
Commentator: Trust me kid; Clark Kent is NO role model! And I should know!
Harry: What's wrong with Clark?
Commentator: Firstly, he has the brain of a turnip, especially by Season 5. Secondly-no wait, that's about it.
Hermione: But turnips don't have brains.
Commentator: That's precisely my point. Why don't you choose Angel? He's a champion, girls love him, and he's so intelligent that he was ashamed in 'Destiny' that he didn't put two and two together!
Harry: ANGEL? But he's obsessed with guilt that, when you think about it, doesn't make any sense at all!
Commentator: …And Clark Kent isn't?
Harry: Well no you don't have to think about it to realise that his guilt makes no sense.
Commentator: So true.
Snape: 50 POINTS FROM EVERY HOUSE FROM EACH STUDENT NOT WEARING THEIR OUTER ROBE!
Harry: What? There's no school rule against that!
Snape: No, but there is a reason for it. You're revealing the fact that despite being wizards you're wearing muggle uniforms!
Ron: Oh you'll use any excuse for a line!
Snape: From the way my character has been marginalized in this film, yah! I would!
Dumbledore: Please welcome the Beaubaxton students!
(Beaubaxton students come in and enchant all the boys except Harry-Hang on a minute…)
Harry: Oh I'm probably not under their control because I'm wondering since when was being one quarter Veela a requirement for Beaubaxton students.
Dumbledore:-And the Durmstrang students!
(Durmstrang students enter)
Harry: And where are all the female Durmstrang students?
Hermione: Non-Veela Beaubaxton students? Female Durmstrang students? Harry, are you feeling all right?
Dumbledore: -And their headmaster, Igor Kakaroff.
Harry: …Isn't that a character from Dragonball Z?
Kakaroff: …THAT'S KAKAROT!
Moody: Right then, thanks to the tournament, this is only one of two lessons you shall have all year, so pay attention!
Harry: Tournament? What Tournament?
Hermione: You know, the Triwizard Tournament held for hundreds of years where three go in and possibly zero come out?
Harry: I'll take your word for it.
Moody: Observe the Imperius curse, its power to make someone do you bidding so strong that it can break the laws of physics! (Makes a spider fly around the room).
Student: Hey, that doesn't sound like the Imperius Curse at ALLLLLLLLLLLLLL! (Falls through a trap door)
Moody: Right, (After pressing a button behind the desk) Does anyone ELSE want to question the way magic is taught in this film?
(Everyone shakes their head violently)
Moody: Didn't think so.
Dumbledore: (Reading slip) Harry Potter?!
(Everyone looks at Harry)
Harry: Err…
Hermione: Go on, Harry.
Harry: Wait, what's going-
Hermione: FOR GOODNESS SAKE, HARRY, GET ON THAT STAGE!
(Everyone now looks at Hermione. Hermione blushes.)
Harry: Wow. Thanks for drawing all the attention away from me, Hermione! You're a pal! (Hermione glares). Or gal. I said-oh right, I'll go up to the front.
McGonagall: (Sobs) This is terrible! So very, very terrible!
Harry: Okay, I'm going to risk sounding stupid and ask why is everyone behaving like I'm on my death bed?
Dumbledore: …Harry, you did hear that bit about the dangers and the perils and the perishing, didn't you?
Harry: Not Really. Hermione had to tell me about it. WAIT A MINUTE! YOU MEAN YOU ACTUALLY DIE IN THIS TOURNAMENT? I thought that was just wrestlers' talk!
Dumbledore: Apparently not.
McGonagall: Professor, we must get Harry out of the tournament!
Snape: Nonsense, we must let events take their course in order for the culprit to be caught.
Dumbledore: I agree with Severus.
McGonagall: …You're choosing the advice of the well-known Harry Potter hater who'd probably like to see him dead? Are you mad?
Snape: Hey, it was stated in the first film that I would not let any harm come to-hey, wait a minute. This scene isn't in the book, is it?
Dumbledore: Do you see Harry anywhere?
Snape: Hmmm. So what you're saying is: This scene is non-canon, aren't you?
Dumbledore: Well obviously, what's your OH DEAR GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Snape: I am living as nature intended.
Dumbledore: WITHOUT CLOTHES??
Snape: Hah! What are you going to do about it? This is all non-canon!
Rita Skeeter: Now, Harry, do you think that your parents would feel proud or upset that you've thrown your life away in this perilous tournament?
Harry: Well they've put in safety measures this time so-oh wait.
Draco: Hey Potter, my dad and I are having a bet as to how long you survive in the tournament.
Harry: Is it my imagination or is it whenever you mention your dad he's nowhere around?
Draco: What are you talking about, Potter? He's right here!
Slytherin thug with no clear character from the novel: Er, Draco? That's a-
Draco: NO! IT'S NOT A TREE! DADDY DIDN'T LEAVE ME TO JOIN THE DEATH EATERS! HE DIDN'T LEAVE ME!! (Runs away).
Harry: O-kay...
Snape: What's going on here?
Second Slytherin thug with no clear character from the novel: Potter scarred Malfoy for life, sir!
Snape: Oh really? I suppose you think that it's not fair that you're the only one whose scarred, Potter? Well then, I think this calls for-
Moody: What's this? Potter, how dare you traumatise Malfoy! That's my job! Now come with me where I'll punish you wink wink.
Snape: Hey! Come back here with my prey!
Hermione: Oh Harry! I'm so afraid you'll die! (Hugs Harry)
(Camera flashes)
Rita Skeeter: Aha! I KNEW something was going on between you two! At last I have proof! And they said I was mad when I proposed that Harry and Hermione would get together! The H/H shippers are going to love this!
Harry: What! You're insane! That has to be the most preposterous, far-fetched-oh who am I kidding? That theory has far more credit in the films! But seriously we are just friends.
(Rita Skeeter and crew nod their heads patronisingly)
Harry: No seriously, we ARE just friends!
(Rita Skeeter and crew nod their heads patronisingly more rapidly)
Harry: I'm not kidding here! There is absolutely NOTHING going on between us two!
Rita Skeeter: Sure, Harry (Winks at him) I got you. You two are JUST friends. Don't worry, I believe you! (Walks away).
Harry: (Groan) I'd curse every couple who'd lied about being 'just friends' with a Bat Bogey Hex if there weren't so many of them.
(Harry is driven down a chasm)
Dragon: ROARRR uh oh, I'm going down a chasm. I must forget how to fly and faint.
Harry: Hehe, stupid dragon superstiTIIOOOOOONNNN…
Hermione: Oh no! Harry!
Ron: Did he survive?
Snape: What's this? Another non-canon scene?
Dumbledore: Uh oh.
Snape: (Standing up) And now I would like to make a eulogy for poor, poor Harry, but first (Sniff) I'd like to dedicate it to my dear mum, and my father, who happens to be a-
Seamus: No wait, look! Harry survived!
Everyone: HOORAY!
Snape: Awww.
Harry: Wow. I must be really popular with all that cheering!
Hermione: No actually we're cheering because your arrival prevented Snape from finishing his eulogy.
Commentator: Personally, I thought you were awful. All you did was get knocked about by that dragon. If the writers didn't do away with the scoring system, I'd give you a 1. And that's just for surviving! I just hope that by the next task you'll have less Frodo hero style and more Aragorn.
Hermione: That Rita woman has done it again! She's established some love triangle between me, Harry and Victor Krum!
Ron: Wow. And the relationship between you and Krum hasn't even started yet!
Hermione: I'll get her for this, mark my word-
Commentator: No, you won't.
Ron: Uh oh. You're about to crack some stupid vase joke, aren't you?
Commentator: …What ever gave you that idea?
Ron: We know how this works. You make a prediction, boast about your prophetic abilities, then you make a stupid matrix reference like-
Commentator: Fraid not. If it gets cracked anymore, it won't be usable again.
(Harry, Hermione and Ron groan).
Commentator: Besides, despite my amazing prophetic powers, my knowledge about Skeeter comes from the past. She seems to have vanished off the face of the Earth…
Rita Skeeter: What do you mean you're cutting me out from the rest of the film! I'm Rita Skeeter! Journalist supreme! Scourge of the innocent! Embodiment of all things wrong with 'freedom of the press!'
Director: I'm sorry Rita. It's just that there is so much of the book that had to be cut out and, well, all sub-plots basically had to go. Besides the comical conclusion of your sub-plot would ruin the dark ending that we're planning.
Rita Skeeter: But I'm crucial to the next film!
Director: I fail to see how that's my problem.
Rita Skeeter: What do-oh right, you're only the director for this movie. But please! I beg of you! Think of the fans! Think of the fans! Will somebody PLEAASSSE think of the-
Director: All right, all right! If you're finished with your Simpsons allusion, why don't we discuss it in this Tavern?
Rita Skeeter: Wait, this isn't like the underused characters' tavern on 'Five-minute net' where all underused characters go in and never return, is it?
Director: Of course not! We'd get sued by that annoying lawyer guy if we did that! Now then, after you….
(Rita Skeeter walks in, and falls into the Bottomless Pit of Discarded Harry Potter Characters).
Rita Skeeter: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH…….
Director: Of course it's not illegal to create a similar concept.
MacGonagall: Now then, this Christmas we will be having a ball, so I will have to teach you all how to dan-
Dean: Hey, is this scene in the book?
MacGonagall: Er, of course it is! Now, moving on-
Lavender: (Reading Harry Potter) Hey, Dean's right! This scene isn't in the book at all!
MacGonagall: Quiet, you fools!
Snape's voice: OH WHAT A BEAUTIFUL MOOORNING, OH WHAT A BEAUTIFUL DAYYYY!
(Skips across the hallway)
Snape: I'VE GOT A BEAUTIFUL FEEELING, (Everyone's horrified gaze fixed on Snape) THAT EVERYTHING'S GOING MY WAYYYYYY! (Disappears)
(Silence)
MacGonagall: Well, I think that has definitely replaced everyone's boggart.
Hermione: (Sigh) I'm having a wonderful time at the ball with my new boyfriend, Victor Krum!
Ron: Yeah well, I think you're sleeping with the enemy.
Hermione: GO TO BED! YOU'VE RUINED EVERYTHING! AAAAAAHHHH!!
Ron: Yeesh. With all her mood swings this film, you'd think she was on Trellium D or something.
Phlox: I would like to point out once again that Trellium D does NOT affect humans! It's just a coincidence that the Time Turner that causes her to have mood swings afterwards runs on Trellium.
Harry: Who are you?
Phlox: Harry, it's me! Doctor Phlox! Chief Physician on the Enterprise?
Ron: Which one, there's been like six!
Phlox: The first one.
Ron: Er, no, that's Doctor McCoy!
Phlox: No, the (Sigh) one before that. Chronologically.
Ron: Oh. You mean the one in the prequel series nobody liked?
Phlox: Hey! We were doing well until at some point in Season Two! Just you wait. In twenty years time we'll gain a cult following and a spinoff series, but then later the producers will change their mind at the last minute in order to compete with a world changing film and turn our series into a crappy movie which will spawn a series of movies with only the even ones being any good, and four spinoff series!
Ron: Yeah yeah, keep dreaming.
Harry: So wait, hold on, we've met?
Phlox: Don't you remember? I appeared to you last parody after you explained to Hermione what Trelium D was and I explained that she couldn't have been affected by it because Trellium D only affects Vulcans?
(As he says this, the Commentator's eyes widen.)
Commentator: (Oh, not again!)
(Quickly logs into my account to check out Chapter 3 of 'Harry Potter Abridged (With Commentary)')
Commentator: Ah. I KNEW there was something we forgot to do!
Phlox: What do you YOU FORGOT TO ADD IN MY SCENE?
Commentator: We didn't mean to! It was an accident! I mean do you have any idea how much we had to edit, how long it was taking? How Anonymius just got fed up and posted POAA (WC) thinking that he covered everything?
Phlox: YOU FORGOT TO ADD IN MY SCENE! NOW NO ONE WILL HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT I'M DOING-
Commentator: Oh boo hoo! You think you're the only one whose words made no sense. Thanks to this author's need for continuity within different parodies together with his laziness to actually post them, my matrix reference probably got fewer laughs than it would have done.
Harry: (While Phlox and Commentator are ranting) So the scene was just missing! Few, that's a relief! For a moment, I thought I was suffering from Amnesia.
Dumbledore: And now for the Second Task, which makes the first one completely pointless!
Harry: Wait. What's going on? Where did I get this wizarding swimsuit- AAH!
(Falls into the lake).
Crabbe: HAHAHAHAhey, where's Malfoy? He'd just missed a good scene where Potter makes a fool of himself!
Goyle: Dunno. I haven't seen him since that scene in which he was turned into a ferret…
Draco: This is an outrage! All I haveleft in this film is two cameos! I mean CAMEOS! I'm a flipping main character! I demand you give me my rightful amount of screentime!
Director: …Right. Why don't we discuss your predicament in this Tavern…?
Barty Crouch Jr: It was I, you fools! The man you trusted wasn't Mad-Eye Moody at all! And all this time I've been drinking Pollyjuice Potion!
Moody: Yep. He's definitely mad and guilty.
Barty Crouch Jr: …Drat. Mixed up my lines.
(Harry gets spat out of the Pensieve)
Harry: And now what am I doing in Dumbledore's office?
Dumbledore: You really shouldn't have eaten that space parasite sandwich.
Harry: Wait, now I remember! I had this dream about Voldemort and Wormtail-You do know who Wormtail is-?
Dumbledore: One of the inventors of the Marauders map?
Harry: What? Yes, but he was also Peter Pettigrew-wait, that was never revealed was it?
Dumbledore: Not even a clue. I think the filmmakers deliberately leave plotholes so that people would read the books to find out the answers, therefore get enticed in the franchise.
Harry: Does that actually work?
Commentator: It's how the author of this parody got ensnared.
Harry: Anyway, I also saw Barty Crouch Jr!
Dumbledore: I think you should put this dream aside.
Harry: But Sir! Surely it's unquestionably important!
Dumbledore: That may be so, but since you're not even suppose to have seen Crouch as in the book your knowledge of him would disrupt the plot. Curse that non-canon appearance!
Snape's voice: OH WHAT A BEAUTIFUL MOOORNING-
Dumbledore: I SAID CROUCH'S APPEARANCE WAS NON-CANON!
Snape's voice: Awww.
Snape: I must congratulate you on your achievement in the second task. Giliweed, very clever-
Harry: Snape, this is a canon scene…technically.
Snape: I know that.
Harry: Then why are you being so unsnapish?
Dumbledore: And now for the Third Task!
(Moments later)
Snape: Hey, that's not right. Where are all the obstacles, like the sphinx and the spider and the boggart?
Dumbledore: The guy who was supposed to transport them stopped for a drink at some tavern and they never arrived.
Harry: Hey, what am I doing in this graveyard?
Cedric: That's what I'd like to know!
Harry: Excuse me, but who are you?
Cedric: Who am I? Harry, I know you're suffering from short-term amnesia, but surely- WAIT A MINUTE, THAT'S RIGHT! I haven't been mentioned at all in this parody and I'm-
Wormtongue: And now you'll never be. AVADA KEDAVRA!
Cedric: Oh cr-GAK!
Harry: (Trapped by statue). Oh boy. I'm getting really fed up with all this leaping.
Wormtail: Are you sure you want his blood, my lord? I think he has some kind of amnesiastic parasites in his body.
Voldemort: Parasites, smarasites. GET ME HIS BLOOD, IGOR!
Wormtongue: Yeth marthter.
Voldemort: Well, how do I look? AM I SKELETAL WITH UNNATURALLY LONG FINGERS AND CAT LIKE EYES?
Wormtail: (Staring at his largely unimpressive form) Well, um…you have a snake's nose.
Voldemort: …Is that it? MY FACE ISN'T EVEN MASK LIKE?
Wormtongue: Sir, I think there are enough Star wars parallels in this series without anyone going 'HARRY, I AM YOUR FATHER.'
Voldemort: Not quite. Here's a PROSTHETIC HAND (Waves his wand and a silver hand appears on Wormtail's wrist)
Wormtongue: Mwahahahaha! I shall rule the world with a silver fist!
Voldemort: Unless your subjects are werewolves, I'm not sure your rule's going to be effective. NOW THEN…what was I going to do?
Wormtail: Erm…Summon your Death Eaters?
Voldemort: Oh right! APART FROM MY FAITHFUL SERVANT, WHO SCARES ME FOR SOME REASON.
Voldemort: WELCOME, MY DEATH EATERS, I-what was I saying?
Wormtongue: Er…you were welcoming your death eaters?
Voldemort: Oh right! WE STAND TOGETHER ONCE MORE, OR DO WE? I SMELL-what was I saying?
Wormtail: Er…you were saying how you have decided to make your faithful servant Wormtongue your personal advisor!
Voldemort: That doesn't sound like me. But hey, if that's what I said!
Death Eater: Um, that's not exactly what you-
Wormtail: I think you should have that one banished, my lord. He's questioning you. Just imprint your signature on this piece of paper and it will be done.
Voldemort: Well, he IS questioning me.
Harry: Is anyone going to explain to me why on earth was the cup a Portkey to a graveyard with Voldemort?
Commentator: Unlikely. Judging from the last film, plot holes are part of the package.
Harry: Would you please not just float there and help me out?
Commentator: Sorry. As Commentator, it's against the rules to interfere with the events in a parody.
Harry: …YOU INTERFERE ALL THE TIME! You interfered 35 paragraphs ago!
Commentator: But when I do it, it's cuute!
Harry: (Considers this) That doesn't make any sense!
Commentator: I don't pretend to understand the law of the Commentator, I am merely enforcing it.
Harry: WILL YOU STOP MAKING SIMPSONS AND FUTURAMA REFERENCES!
Commentator: Yes sir, no sir, an older boy told me to do it sir.
Harry: (Sigh) And Voldemort thinks I'M annoying!
Voldemort: Speaking of which, any witty comment to say to me this time around, Potter?
Harry: Yeah! Hey Voldy, wow, all you've got is a snake's nose. That's really- wait that's already been done. Oh no! I've got nothing! Oh what a dark twist this series has taken!
Voldemort: IT CERTAINLY HAS! NOW THEN, HARRY: EX-TER-MIN-ATE! EX-TER-MIN-ATE! EXT-ER-MIN-what was I just saying?
Harry: Ermm…Exterminate?
Voldemort: Oh right. EX-TER-MIN-ATE!
Cedric's Body: Oh terrific. It's bad enough I wasn't mentioned at all in this parody and I get killed off just after my third line, but now I'm just being completely ignored!
Gravestone: You think you've got problems. I haven't been visited by my ungrateful descendants in a hundred years!
Death Eater: Whoa! Look at all the groovy colours, man!
Harry's Dad: Harry!
Harry's Mum: Harry!
Harry: Oh. Hi Mum, hi Dad.
Voldemort: (Sigh) And there was me thinking your acting ability had improved.
Harry: Okay, I'm not taking anymore of that! The Harry in the novel didn't react much either!
Voldemort: What? (Taking out 'Harry Potter') Let me see this! (Flicks through pages.).
(Death Eaters take out books and flick through pages)
Death Eater: (Gasp) He's right!
Voldemort: ANYWAY, BACK TO-hey where'd he go?
Spectres: He ditched you all while you were busy rummaging through your books.
Harry: Suckers!
(Harry spins to Hogwarts by the Portkey)
Cedric's Body: Um, Harry? Forgetting something?
Harry: What? Oh right!
(Harry returns to the graveyard, grabs his wand and spins back to Hogwarts)
Cedric's Body: ME YOU PLONKER!
Harry: Uh, all right (Spins back to the graveyard, grabs' Cedric's Body's arm and spins back to Hogwarts). Just, who are you again?
Cedric's Body: CEDRIC DIGGORY'S BODY!
Harry: Never heard of you.
Moody: Father! Father! It wasn't me! It wasn't me!
Harry: Wow. You really do put the 'mad' in 'Mad-Eye Moody,' don't you?
Moody: …Damnit! Mixed up my lines again! Anyway, it was I who put your name in the goblet of fire, I who showed you the way to get through the tournament, I who made the last task easy for you by getting rid of most of the obstacles by tricking the guy meant to bring them to fall into the Bottomless Pit of Harry Potter Characters, and now I'm going to kill you to impress my master!
Commentator: Wow, the twist has improved since the last film. I never even saw that coming!
Moody: Don't you have prophetic powers?
Commentator: Yes, but I can turn it off and on. By the way, don't mind the door.
Moody: Don't you mean don't mind the vase?
(Wizards burst in and the door slams Moody.)
Commentator (Smiling): No. The door was what I meant.
Dumbledore: Where is he?
Harry: You just hit him with the door!
Dumbledore: Oh. Right. Well…
Dumbledore: Don't worry Alastor, I'll just lift you ouUUUUUUUUT…
Dumbledore: Well that was deeper than in the book.
Snape (Reading) Actually according to the book, the trunk is quite deep.
Dumbledore: Let me see that.
(Snape hands the book over and Dumbledore whacks him with it so hard his head bursts through)
Harry: Hold on! An object bigger on the inside than on the outside? But that means the culprit is…
(Moody starts to morph)
Harry: Look! He's regenerating!
Dumbledore: Pah. I'M the regeneration expert around here!
Dumbledore: Cedric was slain by Lord Voldemort!
(Assembled students nod)
Dumbledore: Ahem. CEDRIC WAS SLAIN BY LORD VOLDEMORT! VOL-DE-MORT! (Silence) Why aren't you all shrieking in terror? (Sigh) They're all wearing earplugs, aren't they?
McGonagall: Who keeps tipping them off?
Commentator: (Flicking money) Hey, it pays to tell the future!
Dumbledore: Let us remember a boy who was kind and hard-working and-(Someone putting up their hand during the eulogy? This is-unusual) yes you, eating the paste?
Student: I'm sorry, who was Cedric again?
Dumbledore: (Groan) Cedric must be rolling in his grave.
McGonagall: Now that I think about it, what DID we do with Cedric's body?
(All teachers give worried looks to each other)
Teachers: Errrr…
Dumbledore: Harry, I want to tell you how proud I am.
Harry: How I stood up to the most terrible wizard of all time?
Dumbledore: No, how your acting ability has drastically improved this film. Although I think you overdid it with your grief towards the death of Cedric.
Harry (Groan) First you people complain that I under-act, now you're complaining that I'm over-acting? Will the criticism ever end?
Dumbledore: From the Critics? When Hell freezes over.
Harry: It was nice to see my parents-
Dumbledore: They weren't your parents. No spell can bring back the dead.
Harry: …I CAN SEE YOU'RE AS BLUNT AS EVER! All right then, If they weren't ghosts, what were they?
Dumbledore: Two words: Priori Incantem (Walks away)
Harry: …That's what you're leaving me with? Priori Incantem? What the heck does that mean?
Dumbledore: Oh you've been doing made up Latin for four years. You work it out.
Hermione: You'll write to me over the summer, won't you Ron?
Ron: Nuh-uh.
Hermione: (Warms up to Harry) But Harry will, won't you Harry?
Harry: Oh yeah!
Ron: (Sigh), I swear the writers are Harry/Hermione shippers!
Harry: Give them a break. The films may be the only chance it'll ever happen!
THE END.
Harry: Wait, is that it?
Ron: I suppose it is.
Harry: Huh. This one was short compared to the other Commentaries. What gives?
Commentator: I believe it has something to do with the fact that being the oldest Commentary, when it was first written Anonymius planned to have it published on 'Fiveminute dot net.'
Harry: What's 'Fiveminute dot net?'
Commentator: A website full of pop culture parodies called fivers because they were supposed to be only fiveminutes long that gave Anonymius the inspiration to write this sort of parody.
Harry: What happened?
Commentator: He later found out that only the founders were allowed to write movie parodies.
Ron: That sucks.
Commentator: Yeah well, at least we found a popular website to publish this on.
Hermione: Is the website any good?
Commentator: Well the Enterprise fivers are brilliant and by far the best. The Star Wars fivers are also good. The specials that include the fiver creators are also worth reading. Fiveminute Smallville has its moments when the guy isn't basing the humour on lame puns and flaws that aren't there. Seriously, the apparent flaws that are pointed out are at times as baseless as the real series' protagonist's reasons for feeling guilty for things!
Harry: Okay that's the second jab at Clark Kent's feelings of guilt. Does Anonymius have issues with the character?
Commentator: Who wouldn't have issues with a character with a huge inferiority complex just because he thinks that being of a certain biology makes you purer compared to those who don't fit the biology? Not to mention blaming himself for things no rational person would ever consider blaming themselves for. Plus he's become very wooden in terms of brain and in personality. (Puts on a blank expression) 'Duh, I'm Clark Kent. I think Jor-El kidnapped my cousin even though it's completely unrelated to her travelling with Brainiac. I haven't even considered the possibility of Time Travel when I did it two years back because I suffer from short term amnesia!'
Harry: Wait, what was that last part?
Commentator: What, about the short-term amnesia?
Harry: Yeah! Did he eat a Transdimensional Space Parasite sandwich too?
Commentator: (Shrugs) Wouldn't surprise me if he did. You know what I actually think during the second meteor shower one of the meteors was inhabited by parasites that infected the water supply and affected everyone in the town. Would explain a lot. So yeah, the reason why this Commentary's so short is probably because it was originally to be roughly five minutes long and after writing it Anonymius did not feel like adding new scenes. Either that or there wasn't that much to poke fun at compared to the others.
Ron: No! That can't be true! That's impossible!
Hermione: Search your feelings, Ron, you know it to be true.
Ron: NO! No! Seriously, no!
Professor: Has he been ranting about Smallville again? Sorry about that kid, he tends to do that. A lot. Without me to control him he tends to go on.
Commentator: Professor, you're back! How did it go?
(Sammy pops out of the Professor's pocket)
Sammy: Not well.
Commentator: Oh. Sammy. You survived. I thought that there was a chanced you might have been captured or something. Wait, what do you mean it didn't go well? There wasn't any gold?
Professor: Well, when we got to the chest, what we found in was definitely, er, gold related.
Commentator: What do you mean?
Professor: You're best to read it for yourself.
Commentator: 'You've been Goldentriw'-'triw'-I could use a vowel here! '-ned.' Oh, 'You've been Goldentriwned!' Somebody's been keeping up with the War of the Abridged Series Creators on YouTube! (Scrunches the paper, which is disintegrated by a burst of electrical energy) You know, you guys are just glad that my Commentator Persona is such a mellow guy. If you had pulled this kind of prank on one of my more Machiavellian selves, you would have suffered greatly.
Ron: What do you mean?
Commentator: I mean the same thing that just happened to that piece of paper.
Snape: I like your style, kid. Why aren't you like that more often?
Harry: Severus Snape? What are you doing here?
Snape: I'm here to pick a bone with the guy who created all of this. But I guess I'll have to do with the commentators. I've just noticed something. Compared to this commentary, I've had little screen time at all in the first three!
Commentator: Whatever do you mean?
Snape: I mean that in the first three all I had were a couple of scenes! And I'm a main character!
Harry: Look at it this way, Sev. Your minor role in the first three balances out your major role in the first three films, whereas your major role in Goblet of Fire with Commentary balances out your minor role in the film.
Snape: I suppose.
(Silence)
Ron: So, how much time do we have left?
Commentator: (Looking up) We've still got some 1200 words to spare.
Hermione: So what do we do during that time?
Harry: I know! Let's check out this Five Minute website we've heard so much about!
Professor: Oh God, he's been telling you about that obscure website, hasn't he?
Commentator: Hey! That obscure website is the reason for the first time in our existence we've been able to escape into the open world!
Professor: I suppose.
(Everyone apart from Snape logs on)
Sammy: Hey, were there computers there before?
Harry: And since when does Ron, a pure blooded wizard, know how to work a computer?
Commentator: Sev? Aren't you logging on?
Snape: I care nothing for this muggle rubbish. Although, are there any Harry Potter parodies on this website.
Commentator: None since I last checked.
Snape: Then it is of no interest to me. However, (Logs on) I will check it out just, you know, to criticise it later.
Commentator: Let's see, ah damnit! Still no new fivers! Well none that directly parody pop culture. 'Just bear with us...' We've been bearing with you for over a year now!
Ron: Over a year? Not even the Abridged Series creators are that cruel!
Commentator: Oh well, might as well read the first Enterprise fiver while I'm here.
Ron: Hey, are there any that deal with this Trellium D?
Commentator: Probably one of those in season 3.
Hermione: I think I'll check out one of the Star Wars fivers.
Commentator: Oh Harry. Check out 'Five Minute Twilight'. I think you'll find it very-Interesting...
FIVE MINUTES LATER
Commentator: HAHAHA! Oh, Zeke, after Littlekuribohyou're the second funniest man ever to live!
Harry: Oh, so THAT's where this whole amnesiastic space parasite thing started!
Ron: So let me get this straight, Trellium D does not only make Vulcans emotional, but also zombies? And I thought I was a paradox!
Snape: I must admit, this Zeke person is a genius. I bet he's British.
Hermione: You think every good comedian is British!
Snape: Well that and his Blackadder reference. How many Americans know of that series?
Ron: Right then, are we any closer to the same length as the other commentaries.
Commentator: Hold on, let Anonymius save this first. (Looking up) Hmm. Nope. We're still a thousand words short.
Harry: Do you think anyone's still reading this?
Hermione: Probably not.
Ron: So what do we do in the mean time?
Commentator: I have a brilliant idea! Let's comment on a few reviews we didn't have any time during the last few parodies!
Professor: Do we have to?
Commentator: Yes. Now, this one is from Sirius Obsessed, about Chamber of Secrets Abridged:
First one was definitely better, but I still LOVED this one. I agree with Arithnocrat, I can't wait to see what you do with Sirius!
P.S. stupid, greedy Warner Brothers walks off muttering to herself
Commentator: Man, Sirius is really popular.
Harry: I bet they were all cheesed that his scene in Goblet of Fire was cut out.
Commentator: Hey, it was either that, or write something boring that isn't funny at all! But Anonymius agreed with you that Philosopher's Stone was funnier. If I recall, Chamber of Secrets was one of the most difficult. Just goes to show how good the real deal was! Now let's see what else is here. Hmmm. No, a bit outdated now. Okay, how about the next one? Nope. Nothing really to comment about. Nothing to comment, bit outdated, nothing to comment, nothing to comment, nothing to comment, nothing to comment! Well, so much for that idea!
Ron: How many words are left now?
Commentator: Let's see...(Looks up) Nope, now's there 700 left.
Professor: Well I guess now's the time to wrap things up!
Commentator: I guess. Oh, I just thought I'd let people know that Order of the Phoenix Abridged (With Commentary) will be out sometime next week, and we'll be on hiatus for a while, until Half Blood Prince comes out.
Harry: But that's a whole nother year!
Commentator: Hey, it's not our fault. Blame Warner Bros. Oh yeah, and just to let people know, the opening commentary of that is taking place on the day before Deathly Hallows came out, which interestingly enough is when Anonymius saw Order of the Phoenix.
Harry: Why then?
Commentator: Oh there's a reason for it. You'll just wait and see.
Hermione: So hold on. does that mean that this all took place before Deathly Hallows took place.
Commentator: ...It's complicated. You see, naturally of course, Harry Potter Abridged (With Commentary) hasn't been written in a continuous block. Bits have been written in a different order, and the only ones who are aware of this process are the commentators. So interestingly enough, for us, Deathly Hallows has already taken place.
Professor: So, how many words do we have left?
Commentator: About 500.
Professor: Wow. I thought that we would be running short on time as usual and had to use the same clock in the POA revelation scene to make sure we finished on time!
Harry: Hey! We were planning to use the clock to time the Commentator on commenting on all those reviews, but it turned out there were fewer reviews and so much time this time.
Commentator: Hey, if either of that happened, the clock would have started to have become a major inanimate object on the series. Okay then, see you all next time!
THE END. REALLY THIS TIME
Clock: CURSES! MY PLANS TO BECOME A REOCCURRING INANIMATE OBJECT HAVE FAILED! FOILED BY A WRITER'S ABILITY TO ABRIDGE AND LITTLE FEEDBACK! MARK MY WORDS, ANONYMIUS, I SHALL BECOME THE GREATEST INANIMATE OBJECT ON THE INTERNET SINCE THE LOG, OR MY NAME ISN'T THE CLOCK! WHICH IT IS. SINCE I'M A CLOCK.
The end. REALLY really this time!