I do not own 'Harry Potter' or anything related. The following is only a parody.
Commentator: Well my muggle and wizarding wannabee friends, it's that time again! After waiting painstakingly for two years, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix has finally arrived in parodied form. Now, I have heard good reviews about the film, so-
Hermione: Umm, Commentators?
Commentator: Hermione Granger? What are you doing here in the Commentators' booth?
Hermione: We have a slight problem. It seems that Harry is refusing to participate in today's film.
Commentator: HE WHAT? (Groan) hold on. I'll deal with this. It just so happens that I am an outstanding negotiator.
Commentator: HARRY POTTER GET OUT OF YOUR ROOM THIS INSTANT! Don't make me use my awesome godlike powers to bring this house down! I'm serious! I'll use them!
Hermione: (pushes the door through) The door's unlocked.
Commentator: …Oh. Right. I knew that. I was using reverse psychology. Or something…
Commentator: Harry, you've got to be in the film! You're the protagonist! What's it suppose to be called, Severus Snape and the Order of the Phoenix?
Severus Snape fans: Yay!!
Commentator: THERE IS NO WAY IT'S GONNA BE CALLED 'SEVERUS SNAPE AND THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX!'
Severus Snape fans: Awwww…
Commentator: Anyway we can't change protagonists halfway now! What is this, 'The Village?'
Harry: (on bed, arms crossed) Forget it, I'm not going.
Commentator: Harry Potter, this is no time for you wizard angst! Save that for the film.
Harry: WHICH IS PRECISELY WHY I DON'T WANT TO GO! Order of the Phoenix is the one that made everyone hate me because of my angst! Maybe if I don't act in the film, I can somehow make Harry Potter fans loathe me less and change their minds about wanting to kill me!
Hermione: Harry, Harry, don't be so paranoid! Nobody wants to kill you! Wanting you to be killed off maybe...
Commentator: I think I know what's going on. It's because 'Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows' is coming out tonight, isn't it? And it's reminded you of the whole, erm-death question?
Professor: How many hours are there left till midnight?
Commentator: (checks his watch) Let's see…
Harry: DON'T! I DON'T WANT TO KNOW HOW MUCH TIME I'VE GOT LEFT! I'M TOO YOUNG TO BE KILLED OFF! I WANNA LIVE! LIVE I TELL YOU!
Commentator: Harry, Harry, no one lives forever! Although when I actually think about it, I guess novel, film and parody characters can live forever, provided that the death's never mentioned.
Hermione: You're not exactly helping here, you know.
Professor: Comforting has never been my master's strong point.
Commentator: QUIET YOU! Look Harry, no one wants you to die-
Professor: I think the majority of Harry Potter Fans would disagree with you.
Commentator: (Oh yeah. You're a real Dr Phil yourself, aren't you?)-Nobody in this room wants you to die. My creator doesn't want you to die! He even has a theory that you'll go through some kind of resurrection-
Professor: And his track of theories has always been accurate, haven't they?
Commentator: Look; it's not his fault that the writers suddenly change the characters' personalities halfway through, all right? I'm sure if Jor-El didn't turn good for no reason that he was Brainiac all along would have been plausible!
Professor: Oh not this again! My only compliment on that particular theory is that it was original. Many fans thought Jor-El was-
Hermione: Um, guys, I feel we're moving away from the situation at hand.
Commentator: Oh why bother! There's no way he's gonna star in this parody. Let's get Novel Harry Potter to fill in for him!
Hermione: …Can we do that?
Commentator: This is a parody, Hermione. Anything's possible.
Harry: WHAT! There is no way I am going to let that guy star in this parody! He's the reason why I'm in this predicament in the first place! Everybody's already say they prefer the novels than the films, there is NO way I'm letting him tread on MY territory!
Commentator: Hehe, my plan worked.
Professor: It's a shame, really. The novel versions do tend to be better than their film counterparts…
Commentator: Right, sorry about that folks. And without further ado-
Professor: SIR, WAIT!
Commentator: Here's'HarryPotterandtheOrderofthePhoenixAbridged(WithCommentary)'.
Snape fans: BOOOOO!
Professor: YOU IDIOT! WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR?
Commentator: What do you mean? Anonymius already disclaimed Harry Potter and anything related at the beginning of this parody.
Professor: Not that!
Commentator: -What?
Professor: You forgot to do your 'Review Special.'
Commentator: (Eyes slowly widen) WHAT? NOOOOOOOOOOOO! No wait, there's still time-
Professor: Nope. Sorry, once you've introduced the commentary, you can't go back.
Commentator: Ah, Damnit! Oh well. There's still at the end, I guess.
Dudley Crony: Hey, the weather's suddenly become very windy. Let's panic and run away.
Dudley Cronies: AAAAAAAH!
Harry Potter: You have real wimps for friends, Dudley. You'd think they've never lived in Britain before-or anywhere outside for that matter!
Dudley: I know! The wind isn't even at a threatening level!
(Wind blows slightly stronger)
Dudley: Now it is.
Harry: I agree.
Harry and Dudley: AAAAAAAH! (Run away).
Dudley: Where should we go?
Harry: I know! Let's go down this gritty and obviously dangerous looking tunnel!
Dementors: Honestly, you two deserve what's coming next.
Dementor: What's the matter, Big D? You look a little pale! Let me make it all better with A KISS!
(Sucks at Dudley's face).
Harry Potter: Hey, that's not the dementors' kiss!
Dementor: And is Peter Pan's thimble an actual kiss, I think not!
Vernon: I've just about had it with you! I think it's time you-
(Owl swoops in and drops a letter)
Harry: Hah! That will be a letter from Dumbledore telling you two that you can't throw me out!
Letter: Dear Mr Potter, due to your use of magic while underage and in front of a muggle, the Ministry of Magic has decided to expel you from Hogwarts.
(Harry gapes at letter)
Letter: P.S., if you were expecting a howler from Professor Dumbledore convincing your aunt and uncle not to throw you out, it has been confiscated by Dolores Umbridge, Undersecretary to the director of 'Harry Potter.'
Harry: -THE WHAT?
Letter: Dolores Umbridge, Undersecretary to the director of 'Harry Potter,' who therefore has the power to fiddle with the material from the book to make it suitable for the film as much as she pleases.
Harry: SIRIUS! (Hugs his godfather)
Sirius: Ah, Harry. It's good to see you. You haven't changed a bit. Well no actually you've grown alot, but your wardrobe is basically the same!
Remus: Don't I get any recognition?
Harry: (withdraws from Sirius) Er, of course you do! Um…who are you again?
Remus: Who am…HARRY, IT'S ME! REMUS LUPIN! YOUR DEFENCE AGAINST THE DARK ARTS TEACHER FROM YOUR THIRD YEAR! ONE OF YOUR PARENTS' BEST FRIENDS! THE GUY WHO TAUGHT YOU THE PATRONUS CHARM!
Harry: But of course! My good friend Remus Lupin! (Gives Sirius a puzzled look).
Molly: I wouldn't feel too bad, Remus. A year ago, he ate a dodgy sandwich full of space parasites that eat at short-term memory.
Remus: AGGH! (Storms out in disgust)
Arthur: I don't think Remus appreciated being considered to be short-term memory.
Harry: Man, what is this place? Hey, what's that sound that sounds like the mutterings of a member of a short humanoid race who lived for a ridiculously long amount of time and reverted into a carnivourous old man creature?
Kreacher: I only wish, to catch a fish, so juicy sweeeet!
Harry: Having a great laugh about me, were you?
Hermione: It wasn't like that Harry! They won't let us in the meetings!
Harry: So you-
(Fred and George apparate into the room).
Fred: Hello Harry! We thought we heard your shouts through the walls!
Ron: Shouts? HE HARDLY GOT BELLOWING BEFORE YOU TWO CAME IN!
George: …Oops. We came in too soon, didn't we?
Fred: Shall we cut, disapparate and take two?
Harry: There isn't time! Let's just carry on with the film!
Hermione: (You just want to evade a scene where you're all angsty!)
Harry: (smiling guiltily) (I assure you that's just a happy coincidence!)
Molly: The Minister's been on a smearing campaign against those who claim that Yoonohoo is back, calling Dumbledore senile and you an attention seeking liar.
Harry: (reddening) Why would-
Remus: Because the minister is afraid, and fear makes people do terrible things.
Molly: Oi, Remus! That was my line!
Remus: Oh you've got a big enough part in this movie already! I refuse to be marginalized like the other underused characters in this series!
Arthur: But Remus, look at it this way: Your under-use in this film balances out your overuse in the 3rd film.
Hermione: (It was strangely convenient how Remus' input interrupted your outburst. If I didn't know any better, I'd think you've got people deliberately speaking before you have the chance to be all moody!)
Harry: (smiling guiltily) (Would I do such a thing?)
Harry: So what has Voldemort been up to?
Sirius: Well, ever since he took your blood and rebuilt his body, the transdimensional space parasites that were in the blood have greatly multiplied in number, rendering him even more forgetful. Even the remembrals aren't much use. Wormtongue, being made his personal advisor, has taken full control of the Deatheaters.
Harry: Wormtongue? Don't you mean Wormtail?
Sirius: Tongue. Tail. Tonsils. It really doesn't make much of a difference, does it? By the way how is the situation with you and the parasites?
Harry: Oh I had that problem taken care of weeks ago. I entered my own body with a tiny robot and destroyed the parasites with an anti-matter ray gun.
(Everyone stares at him)
Harry: Hey, to counter a double reference, you've got to use a double reference.
Sirius: In the old days, Voldemort had hundreds of followers at his command. So many, many followers-
Voldemort: Followers! FOLLOWERS! Is that all you people friggin remember me for? I was the Dark Lord; I had great amounts of land and territory under my authority. LAND I TELL YOU! I mean come on guys; you're making me a cackling stock in front of the other dark lords!
Harry: Cackling stock? You mean laughing stock don't you?
Dark lords: MWAHAHAHAHA! Voldy's a loser! MWAHAHAHAHA!
Harry: Ohh. I see.
Fudge: Harry Potter. Do you know why we called you here?
Harry: I believe it's to do-
Fudge: SILENCE! We did not give you permission to speak.
Harry: -But, just now-
Fudge: SILENCE! But seriously now, you have been charged with breaking wizarding secrecy by performing a Patronus charm in front of a muggle. Even though he was already aware of wizards and therefore no secrecy has actually been broken. But hey, nobody said that the law had to be intelligent!
Harry: But I only did it to get rid of the dementors!
(Judges mutter)
Fudge: Pah. Of course this boy would say there were dementors if he used a Patronus Charm-
Harry: OF COURSE I'D USE A PATRONUS CHARM IF THERE WERE DEMENTORS! WHY ELSE WOULD I USE THE PATRONUS IF NOT TO REPEL DEMENTORS, YOU PILLOCK?
Fudge: Perhaps you sought to impress the muggle in your presence with your magical powers.
Harry: And out of all the spells in the wizarding world, I'd use the Patronus? Why? It's not even as interesting as the charm in the book!
Wizengemot members: (among themselves) He's got a point- it's not even animal shaped-just a boring shield-well actually it can be bigger than in the book-a shield makes much more sense than an animal-I always thought the climax at the end of Prisoner of Azkaban was spectacular-
Fudge: Look here! We're not here to discuss if the patronus charm is better in the film than in the book! That's for the fans to debate amongst themselves! Anyway, how conveeenient to say that Dementors attacked him, since muggles can't see dementors!
Harry: …Seriously? Cos it looked like Dudley could see them okay.
Fudge: WHAT! Let me see this!
(A projector appears, winding back to the point where the Dementors attacked Harry and Dudley).
Fudge: Hmmm. Well it does look like he can see the Dementor, of course it could be interpreted that he's just backing away from a suspended Potter and the second Dementor swooping- (Fudge notices that all of the Wizengemot members are staring at him) What?
Amelia Bones: Do you mean to tell us-that you had visual evidence of Mr Potter using magic in self-defence all along and that you had withheld this evidence all along?
Fudge: (realising what he's just done) Well, um, you see, um, curse you Harry Potter! You deliberately manipulated this entire dialogue to reveal my knowledge of the Dementors!
Harry: Er, yes. (Eyes shifting back and forth) That was the plan.
Amelia Bones: All in favour of dropping charges against Harry James Potter raise your hand.
(A unanimous decision, excluding Fudge)
Amelia Bones: And those who think that the Patronus Charm in the films is rubbish in comparison with the book?
(A number of hands equal to those down are raised).
Amelia Bones: Let us then dismiss these pointless proceedings and focus on cases that really matter. (Hits hammer on stand) So Cornelius? What are your views on the Patronus in the film?
(Fudge bangs his head repeatedly on the desk).
Draco: Hey Potter! I see they haven't thrown you in St Mungo's for mag-
Harry: Hey Draco! I surprised to see you here. Didn't you vanish halfway into the film last year?
Draco: (clutching his head) No! NO! Not that place! NOT THAT HORRIBLE PLACE! NOOOOOO! (Runs off).
Ron: Yeesh. What is it with you and traumatizing Malfoy?
Harry: Hey, those things look new.
Ron: (looking in Harry's direction) what do, some kind of dragon horses that are invisible to everyone but those who have seen death?
Harry: No actually I was referring to the carts. Didn't it used to be carriages that brought us to Hogwarts?
Hermione: (seemingly worried) Harry, it's always been carts. There's nothing new.
Harry: I'm pretty sure it was carriages in Prisoner of Azkaban-
Ron: Yeah but remember mate, you did used to have a bunch of parasites in your brain that screwed with your memory.
Harry: Those parasites made me FORGET things, not remember them differently. Big difference!
Luna: (on the cart) Don't worry, I've noticed the difference too. You're not crazy. You're just as sane as I am. It's just that the new director has made a few changes.
Harry: Oh I should have known. I hate it when directors screw with continuity!
Luna Lovegood: Hello by the way. I'm Luna Lovegood. What are your names?
(Hermione looks petrified at the sight of Luna)
Ron: Hermione, you look whiter than Yoonohoo!
Hermione: BUT LOOK AT HER! She's wearing dice on her ears and she's reading the equivalent of a tabloid newspaper and she believes in things that have no basis of fact. She's so irrational. IRRATIONAL I SAY!
Ron: Well, I think we finally know what your boggart is, Hermione.
Harry: Hey! That new Defence Against the Dark Arts Professor looks kinda familiar.
Hermione: You mean she was at your hearing?
Harry: No, not that. I think I met her before. Long before. It's almost as if I've-
Commentator: Make a David Copperfield reference and your dead.
(Harry and the Commentator exchange glances a couple of times)
Harry: Metherinapastlife.
(WHACK!)
(Harry lies unconscious on the table with his eyes spinning after being whacked on the head with a mallet)
Hermione: Well, don't say he didn't warn you.
Ron: Seamus was completely out of order! Seriously, the Seamus in the book never rounded on you like that. I'm surprised the filmmakers even kept that bit in since he's so mi-
Harry: I SAID I'M FINE, RON!!
Ron: …O-kay. I think you're taking this angst thing a little too far now. If I didn't know any better, I'd think you were on the same stuff that Hermione was on last year. (Turns his head) AND I KNOW THAT TRELLIUM D DOESN'T AFFECT HUMANS IF THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE POPPING IN TO SAY!
Phlox: Well, at least it's something you remember. (In a musical tone) Remember kids: learning is good for youuuu! (Vanishes).
Umbridge: Now children, the following course may be bit simpler to what you are used to, but you'll still learn all the basic defence skills you'll need!
Harry: 'Defence Against the Dark Arts for Five Year Olds'. Hey Professor! How is this going to be useful in teaching us how to protect ourselves?
Umbridge: What on Earth could you need protecting from?
Harry: Oh, I don't know. Like- Lord Voldemort?
Classmates: AAAH! YOU SAID THE NAME! YOU SAID THE NAME!
Harry: (baffled) Wait, did you (Looks behind him) react at the name? You people have never reacted against the name! Ever! I said what Voldemort like eight times at breakfast and none of you even winced!
Umbridge: (smiling) Oh, that's my doing. To accommodate for the failing standards of the films to meet canonicity, and, quite frankly, the common sense of the books, I have set up a device that transmits an electrical shock into anyone who says the name of-Yoonohoo. (Now looking worried) Why are you grinning at me in that sinister fashion?
Harry: Who, Voldemort?
Umbridge: AAH! Don't say the name!
Harry: What name, Voldemort?
Umbridge: AAH! I thought I told you not to say the name?
Harry: Oh I'm sorry. Did I say-Voldemort?
Umbridge: AAH! (Claps hands) Hot potatoes, off his drawers, pluck to make amends! (Pinches nose) Ow!
Harry: Voldemort, Voldemort Voldemort Voldemort-
Umbridge: THAT'S IT, MR POTTER! DETENTION NOW! OR AT LEAST AFTER CLASS!
Harry: Hehe, it was worth it…
Ron: So, was it still worth it getting 'I must not name 'He Who Must Not Be Named?' carved on the back of your hand?
Harry: Shut up.
Hermione: You've got to tell Dumbledore, Harry-
Harry: I'M NOT TELLING HIM ANYTHING!!
Hermione: …Okay. Ron and I have been talking about your uncalled for outbursts. I for one find it extremely rude-
Harry: You hypocrite! What about all the times you went berserk last year?
Hermione: (reddening) I did NOT go berserk!
Harry and Ron: Hah! Yeah right!
(Flash!)
Hermione: But don't worry; you've been spared some unnecessary, horrible verbal abuse. NOW BOTH OF YOU, GET OUT OF BED AND DRESSED NOW! (Storms out of the room).
(Flash!)
Dumbledore: (reading slip) Harry Potter?!
(Everyone looks at Harry)
Harry: Err…
Hermione: Go on, Harry.
Harry: Wait, what's going on-
Hermione: FOR GOODNESS SAKE, HARRY, GET ON THAT STAGE!
(Flash!)
(AHAH! SAVIOUR OF THE UNIVERSE!)
(Sorry. I just had to do it)
Hermione: Sigh, I'm having a wonderful time at the ball with my new boyfriend, Victor Krum!
Ron: Yeah, well, I think you're sleeping with the enemy.
Hermione: GO TO BED! YOU'VE RUINED EVERYTHING! AAAAAAHHHH!!
Hermione: (blushes) Okay…I admit I went a little crazy-
Ron: A little? Hermione, you were more emotionally erratic than a stack full of Betazoids!
(Dark clouds are suddenly gathering in the room)
Commentator: You fool! By using a joke from another parody, you have angered a being more fanatical than the anime flaggers combined!
Harry: Who?
The Lawyer: Young man, I represent the good people at 'Fiveminutedotnet' and they will not tolerate your use of a joke from their website!
Ron: -What are you going to do to me?
The Lawyer: -Huh? Well, there's nothing really I can do. (Waggles finger) Just don't do it again! (Vanishes)
Hermione: Well that was anti-climatic.
Hermione: Oh all right, Ronald. I'll do your homework, but just this once!
Ron: Thanks, Hermione! You're a life saver!
(During the hustle and bustle of the Common Room, a long, hooked nose pokes out from behind a wall)
Snape: Hmmm. Potter is nowhere in sight. This can only mean one thing: This is a non-canon scene where any character can get away with anything! (Jumps out from behind the wall) OH WHAT A BEAUTIFUL-(Catches sight of Potter) Oh sod. I sneaked too long.
Luna: These are thestrals, Harry. People tend to avoid them because they're different.
Harry: How on Earth could most people avoid them if they're invisible all the time?
Luna: And that is exactly why Thestrals remain invisible.
Harry: -Huh?
Luna: Just go make up with your friends.
Snape: Hello children!
Ron: Snape? Why are you being so cheerful and unsnapish?
Snape: Well, since Harry isn't around, making this a non-canon scene, I have the opportunity to behave in a way that I can get away with!
Ginny: But Sir, Harry's right-
Snape: I feel like singing. OH WHAT A BEAUTIFUL-(Turns around and sees Harry behind him) AH, DAMNIT, POTTER! Could you at least announce your presence so that people don't think you're there and therefore assume that the scene isn't in the book? 10 points from Gryffindor! (Storms to the main table)
Harry: Man, he must really hate his character.
Umbridge: I shall restore the failing standards of this school!
Commentator: You mean the kissing and the slacking wearing of school uniforms? Because you can't stop nature or change boys-
Umbridge: I was actually referring to the lack of lessons despite this being a school.
Commentator: Oh.
Umbridge: I shall restore: Charms!
Flitwick: (Sniff) I haven't taught in six years! Wait a minute: this isn't Charms! It's some revived form of Chants! You've got the wrong magical school in mind!
Umbridge: Yes. A nice, clean harmless subject from a series free of such nastiness like werewolves and dark wizards with faces on the back of their heads. Now, stand still while I measure you.
Flitwick: The Flitwick in the novel never suffered this form of persecution!
Umbridge: The Flitwick in the novel wasn't so obviously part goblin.
Flitwick: Damn you, Chris Columbus!
Umbridge: Divination!
Professor Trelawney: I foresaw this day that my forgotten art would be restored!
Umbridge: Hmmm. Perhaps it was a bad idea to restore this subject.
Umbridge: Potions!
Snape: Potions has already been restored. I had a Potions scene last film where I physically abused Potter and Weasley.
Umbridge: That was Potions? It looked more like students were doing supervised homework in the Great Hall and you were the supervisor.
Snape: I see adding a little light was a bad idea.
Umbridge: But not Herbology- Since gardening doesn't qualify as a proper academic subject.
Sprout: BOOO!
Sinestra: Excuse me, Miss Umbridge, but myself and professor Binns would like to request that you restore OUR subjects and free us from the Bottomless Pit of Discarded Harry Potter Characters. Binns even drafted a speech to persuade you over. Erm, Binns? BINNS!
Binns: (Wakes up from sleep) Wha? Oh right. In the year 1433, a council of Sardinian sorcerers-
Sinestra: No, NO not that you stupid ghost! I meant about why this school should reinstate Astrology and History of Magic!
Binns: Huh? Oh right! Ahem, the History of Magic is an ancient art. It was first establish as a subject-
Umbridge: Enough! I can't take anymore of his droning! Get out of my office you discarded characters!
Harry: Hey, why are Professor McGonagall and Umbridge arguing?
Hermione: I think McGonagall's criticising Umbridge for her use of 'barbaric' methods in punishing children.
McGonagall: Actually, I was complaining why out of all the Hogwarts subjects that she's restored in the film she hasn't restored mine.
Umbridge: Because I don't like you. Your character is nowhere near as strict or uptight as it is in the book and I will not stand for non-canonicity!
McGonagall: I can be a strict disciplinarian! Watch! (Ahem) Potter, what were you thinking losing your temper with Dolores Umbridge? Don't you know who she reports to? This is about-oh I can't I CAN'T! Look at the boy! He's been through so much, losing his parents and almost being murdered four times…
Umbridge: I rest my case.
McGonagall: And you've only given me two scenes out of the entire film!
Umbridge: Ahem (musically) non-canonicity! Things at Hogwarts are far worst than I feared! Students looking like muggles whether in school uniform or out. Seriously, what's up with that? Which is why my next decree shall make it compulsory for students to wear their robes and school uniforms at all times! Including at bedtime!
Umbridge: Oh yes and to help students focus on their academic work, I shall be removing Quidditch from the film. Enjoy your new Curriculum!
Hermione: NOOOOOOOOOOO! There is always Quidditch in Harry Potter (apart from Goblet of Fire, where we had the Triwizard Tournament instead)! Dolores Umbridge, this time you've gone too far!
Harry: Well, to be fair, it is a rather long book, and it's not like the Quidditch scene is that central-
Hermione: Harry Potter, Quidditch has never meant anything to you!
Ron: Um, I know I'm not the brightest character in the film, but shouldn't Harry have your lines and your lines his?
Hermione: What would you know? You're the dumb Sidekick character!
Ron: I play Chess!
Hermione: A paradox that still baffles me…
Hermione: This cannot go unanswered. Doing things that please the fans like forcing us to look like wizards and witches. We must stand and fight!
Harry: Um, Hermione, have you been using the Time Turner again? Because doesn't this 'rebelling against authority' thing violate your char-
Hermione: IT DOES NOT! THE NOVEL HERMIONE DID THE EXACT SAME THING! Ahem, anyway, we must organise a rebellion!
Harry: And who's going to lead us? You?
Hermione: Actually, I was thinking of you, Harry.
Harry: -Buh? Why?
Hermione: Four words: You're the main character.
Harry: So was Frodo Baggins in Lord of the Rings, and he was more useless than a shonen heroine or a super-hero love interest!
Hermione: Hello everyone! We're here to start a rebellion against the ministry, with Harry here as our ringleader.
Harry: You know, I'm still having second thoughts about all this-
Hermione: Harry, you're the only one who's best at teaching us to fight against V-v-v-v-Vol-Vol-
Harry: OH FOR GOODNESS SAKE, YOU CAN SAY VOLDEMORT, YOU SAID IT LIKE EIGHT TIMES AT LUNCH THIS AFTERNOON, WHY ARE YOU HAVING SUCH TROUBLE SAYING THE NAME NOW?
Ron: I think she's noticed that Luna Lovegood is in the room.
(Harry sees that Luna is indeed in the Hog's Head).
Harry: Okay, first off we'll be going through the stunning spell.
Nigel: Stupefy!
(Spell knocks Harry across the room. He gets up)
Harry: Good work, Nigel! Very Good!
Hermione: I don't mean to be a pedant, but shouldn't the stunning spell, well um, STUN?
Ron: I don't think that would look great in a blockbuster film.
(Ginny looks behind to see Harry and Cho together)
Commentator: STOP THAT! You're supposed to have gotten over Harry and moved on to Michael Corner!
Ginny: Who?
Commentator: (shrugs) Some character who got thrown into the Bottomless Pit of Discarded Characters. But that doesn't mean a long-distance relationship is out of the question!
(Harry and Cho kiss)
Commentator: (sniff) Our little Harry's growing up!
Professor: So is that mistletoe. It's eating right into the stone!
Ron: So, Hermione…feeling a little jealous that Harry has got together with Cho?
Hermione: Why on Earth would I be jealous about Harry seeing someone?
Ron: I see. Your playing it like that, are you? Don't worry; I'm sure your true feelings will surface in time.
(Walks to the dormitory. Hermione stares after him).
Hermione: What the heck was that all about?
Harry: I think Ron's secretly a H/H shipper.
Malfoy: Hey Professor Umbridge! We're already over halfway through the film and all I've had is one crummy scene and a string of cameos! I heard that you're the person to talk to about this kind of situation.
Umbridge: Indeed I am. Why don't we discuss it in-
Malfoy: No! Not the tavern! NOT THE TAVERN THAT LEADS TO THE BOTTOMLESS PIT OF DISCARDED HARRY POTTER CHARACTERS! Okay, I'm okay with being a minor character! Draco's a good boy! (Runs away)
Umbridge: I was just going to say 'let's discuss it in my office'.
Snape: The Headmaster believes that there is a link between you and the Dark Lord's mind. So that it doesn't work the other way, and the Dark Lord will enter your mind of try to possess you, you will be taught Occlumency.
Harry: (Bearing a worried look on his face) Who's going to teach me?
Snape: I thought that was obvious: me. Mwahahahahaha! Mwahahahaha! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA why aren't you looking horrified and full of dread?
Harry: Well…I'm definitely not looking forward to it. But Snape, can you honestly say that for the past seven years you've been as horrible as the Snape in the novels? I mean you've been rather civil telling me everything I needed to know about why I'm receiving Occlumency!
Snape: It's not my fault! It's these damn writers!
Harry: Oh sure. Blame the writers for all your faults…
Kreacher: We wants it. We needs it. Must have the precioussss. He stole it from us. Sneaky little Potter. Wicked. Greedy. Fal-
Sirius: KREACHER! Enough of this immitation of Gollum! Begone with you!
Kreacher: Of course, Master. Kreacher would never do anything to upset Master, (Coughs) Kreacher! Kreacher!
Sirius: I heard that!
Harry: Am I good, Sirius? Sometimes I feel like I've got something evil inside of me…that's about eighth the size of my own soul.
Sirius: Hmmm. Let me guess? You feel angry all the time?
Harry: …Yes?
Sirius: You lash out at those closest to you, even if they haven't done anything wrong?
Harry: …Yes?
Sirius: And you can't help acting like a moody bastard for no reason?
Harry: Is it bad?
Sirius: It's worse! You've turned into a fifteen-year-old teenager! Of course you must be exorcised!
Harry: …I was being sirius.
Sirius: So was I. Now, would you prefer an 'Exorcist' style of exorcism or would you prefer a 'The Exorcism of Emily Rose' style?
Harry: (Looks at his godfather as if he was insane) …O-kay…
Sirius: Okay which one, 'The Exorcist' or 'The Exorcism of Emily Rose?'
Harry: Cho, will you stop badgering me about the things about me that make no sense?
Cho: When are you going to start being honest with me?
Commentator: Ahem. WRONG RELATIONSHIP PEOPLE!
Cho: What? Oh right!
Harry: There's been a breakout at Azkaban! Snape's particularly outraged.
Hermione: How come?
Harry: Because he missed another non-canon scene.
Snape: AGGGH! I can't take it anymore! I don't care what happens! (Singing) OH WHAT A BEAUTIFUL MORNING, OH WHAT A BEAUTIFUL DAY, I'VE GOT A BEAUTIFUL FEELING THAT EVERYTHING'S GOING MY WAY! (Pants)
Dumbledore: (pats him on the back) Feel better?
Snape: Much better thanks, Headmaster.
Harry: Snape! What have you done?
Snape: Oh what's the worse that could happen? The colour in the room will drain and some backwards-talking monster will jump in the scene and seek to erase me from existence?
(The colour in the room drains)
Snape: Oh-
Hermione: What we need is a journalist like Rita Skeeter to publish an interview with you on the Quibbler to show that you are not mad-
Harry: That's not going to happen. She's still missing since she vanished off the face of the earth last film…
Cho: I suppose you'd rather be with Hermione Granger than with me!
Harry: Is that what's bothering you? Cho, she's not my girlfriend.
Cho: Oh please, Harry, I've seen all the episodes of 'The O.C.' up to season 4, I am not an idiot! (Runs off)
Harry: Wait a sec! Is this scene even in the film?
Commentator: Nope. Mr Anonymius decided to restore it from the novel to illustrate the irony that you and Hermione are the only ones in all of pop culture who are 'just friends' and mean it.
Ron: Well Dumbledore's Army's proved very popular, hasn't it Hermione?
Hermione: Yes. Especially since people learn that they can attack Harry. Of course I wouldn't tell him that. He'll probably take it to mean that people still want him killed off.
Ron: …But people do still want him-
Hermione: I KNOW BUT HE DOESN'T HAVE TO KNOW THAT!
Fudge: So Dumbledore, did you really think that you could get away with this army of-
Harry: Hey wait a minute! (Looks up at his captor) Percy, is that you?
Percy: (eyes shift) I don't know whom you mean! My name is Ministry Thug No.1!
Harry: It is you Percy Weasley! What the heck are you doing working for Fudge and betraying your family and friends?
Fudge: I have you know that the 30 pieces of sickles we offered him were well spent!
Hagrid: Right gang, since this is my last scene, I want you to look after my half-brother Grawp.
Ron: You're half brother's a Giant?
Hagrid: Oh yes! I'm half-giant. Sorry, did I forget to mention that? My father was human and my mother was a giant.
Harry: Wait. If you're mother was twelve feet tall compared to your Dad, how did they-um- (makes a circle with two fingers from one hand and pokes a third through from the other hand)- birds and bees?
Hermione: Harry, in spite of the self-denial from many Harry Potter fans, this is a children's series. That question has no relevence in this universe.
Snape: You are wasting my time, you arrogant little weakling, whose bullying father was just as arrogant!
Harry: Good insults, Sev.
Snape: Thanks; I've been practicing throwing abuse at that stuffed Harry Potter dummy in the corner. Now if only we taught you Occlumency in 'Philosopher's Stone' or 'The Chamber of Secrets!' You were alot better at hiding your emotions then!
Harry: Okay, now you've gone too far. You can insult me, you can insult my father, you can even insult my owl Hedwig, BUT NO ONE INSULTS MY ACTING!
Snape: Legilimens-
Harry: Protego!
Harry: (Gasp) No! It can't be!
Commentator: I know, I know. You must find the revelation that your father was a bully very upsetting.
Harry: Oh not that! Everyone keeps telling me how I look so much like my father. He looks nothing like me! Well, apart from in a very generic sense.
Commentator: Well to be honest Harry, it's not like you look like the real Harry Potter either (The Professor's eyes widen and he mouths something) I mean, you're not thin faced, you don't have green eyes, and you're hair isn't even messed which just baffles me why nothing was done-
Harry: Hold on! How can you be here?
Commentator: Harry, Harry, I am an inter-dimensional being. I can appear anywhere! In your wardrobe. In your suitcase. In your socks. By the way, when was the last time you had them washed?
Harry: Six years ago. AND he's got the same eye colour as me!
Professor: Does he?
Commentator: (shrugs) It wouldn't surprise me if he did.
Snape: I instantly change my mind about helping you and will quietly tell you to get out.
Harry: My father was a bully! He was no better than Draco or Dudley! This is the most horrifying revelation of all and I'll never, ever- oo, a penny!
Commentator: I can't believe it! That's another important scene these film people have mucked up!
Professor: You've been commentating for five parodies and you still can't believe that they muck up the book? Where have you been these past seven years?
Commentator: I have you know that I had faith in their capabilities!
Professor: You did?
Commentator: Well Harry getting over the shock that his father was a bully at a rapid rate was the last straw.
Hermione: So, Harry, are you going to learn more Occlumency from Snape?
Harry: I'll go chat to him about it.
Hermione: Okay. Now?
Harry: What, no!
Hermione: Okay. Now?
Harry: No!
Hermione: How about now, I really think you should go see him, Harry, Occlumency is important to-
Harry: Oh I've just had about enough of you. EXPECTO PATRONUM!
Hermione: (Frowns) I'm not a dementor, Harry.
Luna: You called, Harry?
Hermione: AAAAAAAAAAAAAH! (Moves far away from Luna)
Ron: Harry, you have got to teach me how you did that!
Harry: Sirius is in danger! We've got to save him! And by 'we' I mean 'I'.
Hermione: Harry, think about this for a second!
Harry: ...Are you going to tell me that Voldemort has implanted an illusion in my head and that Sirius is in no real danger and it's just a trick to get me to take something important that he can't touch?
Hermione: What? Well, I was going to say that it's a trap. But it definately sounds like he's got the real Sirius, there's no doubt about that!
Harry: Oh yeah. And like that's gonna stop me.
Harry: Right, you two stay here. I'm going to save him.
Ron: Now hold on here! We're going with you!
Harry: Huh? Why?
Hermione: Because we're secondary main characters. It's our destiny to go wherever the main character goes.
Umbridge: Like to detention?
Golden Trio: Oh snap!
(Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle walk in holding Ginny, Neville and Luna)
Malfoy: We found these three guarding the outside of your office!
Harry: -We didn't leave anyone to guard outside.
(Umbridge stares at the Junior Trio)
Umbridge: And what do you have to say for yourself?
(Ginny shakes off Malfoy)
Ginny: All right! We were trying to become main characters, okay?
Umbridge: (Horrified) NO IT'S NOT OKAY! Hasn't 'Lost' taught us that bad things happen to those who try to upset the natural order? Any minor character who tries to get more screentime or their own flashbacks explode, get shot, beaten up by a smoke monster, or buried alive if they're really unpopular!
Umbridge: Harry! Save me!
Harry: Sorry Umbridge. I only have one thing to say.
Umbridge: What's that?
Harry: Voldemort!
Umbridge: AAAH! Hot potato off his drawers, pluck to make amends! (as dragged away screams become quieter) Hot potato off his drawers, pluck to make amends! Hot potato off his drawers, pluck to make amends…
Neville: We've escaped! So what's the plan, Harry?
Harry: Plan? Wait, you want to come to? To risk your lives for a guy you don't even know, and as far as you were concerned is an infamous serial killer?
Ginny: Well, we're secondary characters who grow into main characters, aren't we? It's our destiny to grow and to do that we've got to do whatever the main characters-
Harry: Okay, seriously, this has been bugging me throughout the entire film but who are you and why do you keep following me and my friends?
Ginny: Who am…HARRY, IT'S ME! Your best friend's sister!
Harry: I didn't realise that Hermione had a sister.
Ginny: Not that best friend! I've had a major crush on you since 'Chamber of Secrets!'
Harry: And has it played any influential part on the plot?
Ginny: Well no…. But you saved me at the end of the film? Remember the Basilisk?
Harry: Yeah, well…. what have you done recently that's of any importance?
Ginny: Er…
Harry: And you ask me why I can't remember you, Hermione's sister.
Neville: Harry, look! This orb has your name on it!
(Harry takes the orb)
Orb: The one with the power to vanquish the dark lord approaches, born as the seventh month dies-FUZZZZZZ!
Hermione: Hey, what happened?
Harry: (stares at the now fuzzy orb) I don't know. (Bangs it with his fist several times) It seems to have got some interference…
Lilah Morgan: Haven't you found the celestial pipeline between Cordelia Chase and the Powers That Be yet? It's taken you over an hour!
Psychic: I have you know that it's very difficult to locate a specific psychic mind within the numerous worlds and franchises-
Lilah Morgan: Numerous? I'm asking you to locate her in this world!
Psychic: Why on earth would you want to locate anyone in this world?
Orb: WE ARE EXPERIENCING SOME TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES. WHILE WE SORT OUT THIS PROBLEM, WE BRING YOU THE DRUGGED ORACLE DANCING GIRLS.
(Three identical Oracles from 300 dance in drugged motion)
Hermione: Okay. That's just disturbing.
(Ron druels at the sight of the girls)
Hermione: RONALD!! (Slapshim)
Harry: Hey, it's come back on!
Orb: -And either must die at the hand of the other for neither can live while the other survives.
(Silence)
Ron: Oh my God! Harry's a chosen one that has to destroyed the villain! What a twist! What a shocking revelation! What a-
Hermione: Oh please it was pretty obvious that that was where this story was heading. You don't have to be an oracle to see that coming!
Luna: (Shudder) I feel as though that was not for my ears!
Ginny: I'm more concerned about the stuff that we didn't hear.
Neville: I'm sure it was nothing important, like 'the dark lord will mark him as his equal' or 'he will have powers the dark lord knows not' or even an implication that two people could have been the chosen-
Lucius Malfoy: One more 'character says something that the audience knows of or is going to happen' line out of you lot and I will have to whack one of you with a mallet.
Lucius Malfoy: Harry Potter. We meet again. How is my son Draco by the way?
Harry: Increasingly minor.
Lucius Malfoy: Yes, I was afraid of that. But soon I will restore importance to the Malfoy name! Tell me Harry, haven't you ever wondered why Voldemort couldn't kill you as a baby?
Harry Potter: No. That has been explained. Repeatedly. My mother dying to protect me acted as a shield against Voldemort.
Lucius Malfoy: -O-kay. So you do know that. But have you ever wondered about the connection between you and the dark lord?
Ron: No. That was plainly obvious as well. It was made when the curse rebounded and caused Yoonohoo to accidentally pour some of himself into Harry.
Lucius Malfoy: Right, right. But tell me this, Harry Potter: Haven't you ever wondered why Voldemort has been unable to touch you without causing himself serious-
Hermione: FOR CRYING OUT LOUD WILL YOU ACTUALLY ASK HIM SOMETHING THAT HE DOESN'T KNOW ABOUT? Like-Oh I don't know-why Voldemort tried to kill him as a baby? Is that so hard for you to asked?
Lucius Malfoy: But I thought that was already explained. The Dark lord tried to recruit his parents and when they refused he decided to kill the entire family.
Hermione: Yeah, and that he tried to recruit a blood traitor, let alone a muggle born, doesn't strike you as odd?
Lucius Malfoy: Not really. Wait, wait, I've got the perfect question! Tell me, Harry Potter: have you ever wondered if you die in the final book?
(Harry looks straight at him, clearly interested).
Hermione: Ohh crap, he had to ask him that.
Lucius Malfoy: I can reveal the full contents of that Prophecy- if you just give it to me…
Harry: Mustn't-give-prophecy-but-knowledge-too-tempting…
Hermione: HARRY, NO! I know that you're scared about dying! We all are! Any one of us could go!
Ron: Yeah! Some say that my type of character is destined to die. Can the prophecy tell if I die?
Hermione: RON!!
Ginny: I'm not worried about dying. It's not like I'm an important character like the protagonist's love interest.
Hermione: I think you're missing the point here-
Bellatrix: I'm not worried either. I'm perfectly confident that I won't die.
Lucius Malfoy: AGGH! Potter, will you just give me the friggin prophecy already? I can't stand anymore of these 'character says something that the audience is fully aware of' lines! They're- they're- THEY'RE JUST SO LAME!
Harry: Just why couldn't anyone else take this prophecy?
Lucius: Because only the person whose the Prophecy about can take it.
Harry: Okay. So then why couldn't Voldemort take it?
Lucius: …Now I assure you, that is in no way a plot-hole. There is a perfectly good, tied up reason as to why the Dark Lord couldn't claim it himself. You see-
Harry: NOW!!
(The gang cause a distraction by causing all of the Prophecy orbs to come crashing down)
Lucius: How on Earth did you communicate to your friends what to do without speaking to them?
Harry: Erm…Legilimency?
Lucius: Legili- Oh I am so sick of people thinking that they can throw any magical term around to get away with plot holes! I'll teach you!
Lucius: Well that battle ended quickly. Really quickly. Now Potter, give me the Prophecy, or your friends die.
(Harry gives Lucius the Prophecy)
Lucius: I've got it…I'VE ACTUALLY GOT IT! WOOHOO! (Holds it up in the air) IN YOUR FACE, NOVEL LUCIUS MALFOY!
Harry: Oh boy, this looks uncannily familiar. You know Lucius, from all of these parodies there's something I've learnt.
Lucius: What's that?
(Order of the Phoenix appear)
Harry: Never-mock-fate.
(Remus makes Lucius drop the Prophecy and it smashes)
Lucius: Ohh fudge, I've dropped the prophecy. I'm in for it now.
Bellatrix: AVADA KEDAVRA!
(Hits Sirius)
Sirius: (Looks at Harry) Fly, you fool.
Bellatrix: Oops. That was the wrong spell, wasn't it?
(Sirius falls through the archway)
Harry: (shrugs) Meh. Same effect. I mean-NOOOOOOOOOO!
Remus: (Grabs hold of a struggling Harry) Aragorn!
(Cry echoes through the hall)
Luna: You know, if I didn't know any better I'd think that that archway is a gateway to a parallel franchise and it's presence is affecting ours by the archway.
Hermione: Luna, that is perhaps your worst conspiracy theory ever!
Gandalf: (Gets up from under the Baurog) Whew! I'm glad I defeated that fire demon without receiving any mortal injury! Now to rejoin my group and-hey, what's that man sized object that's falling at an extremely rapid rate that's directly above me?
Voldemort: YOU KNOW THE INCANTATION FOR THE KILLING CURSE, HARRY. KILL HER. KILL HER NOW.
Harry: You want me to kill one of your own people? Are you mad?
Voldemort: She's one of mine? In that case, instead of vainly trying to corrupt you when I know you are destined to kill me, I think I'll kill you instead!
Dumbledore: HERE I COME CONVENIENTLY AT THE LAST MINUTE, TO SAVE THE-Good grief, Tom, what happened to you? You look as old and wretched as King Theoden while possessed!
Voldemort: Wormtail confined me in this throne room and I got like this over night. At least I think that's what happened. My memory isn't what it used to be.
Commentator: I would just like to assure everyone that this is in no way meant to make fun of old people.
Voldemort: Anyway, I got fed up with being cooped up in a confined space for the rest of my life with no one visiting me and decided to get out and about.
Commentator: Okay, that is an old people related joke.
(Dumbledore and Voldemort duel)
Dumbledore: Priori Incantem!
Voldemort: Hey! You can't use a magical effect as an offensive spell!
Dumbledore: Tell that to the director!
Voldemort: I'll do better than that! Two can play at this game! (Waves wand) SPELLIS SPOILERIS!
(Creates fiendfyre, which is not supposed to be revealed until 'Deathly Hallows')
Harry: That has got to be the worst Dog Latin I have ever heard!
Voldemort: That does it, you are so possessed!
Harry: Don't you mean so de-AGGGGGH!
Possessed Harry: NO. POSSESSED IS WHAT I MEANT.
Voldemort: NOW THEN, HARRY POTTER. TREMBLE WITH FEAR AS I EXTERMINATE YOUR SANITY!
Harry: You'll never break my mind, you Dalek obsessed villain! FEEL THE POWER OF LOVE!
(Flashes of Harry's family and friends)
Voldemort: You're fighting me with love? URGGGH! IT'S TOO HORRIBLE!
Harry: That's because you are a soulless villain!
Voldemort: Are you kidding me? This is enough to drive anyone out. I'm outta here!
Harry: Why didn't you tell me about the prophecy?
Dumbledore: The same reason why you went after Sirius. The same reason why your friends joined you. I cared about you-WAIT A MINUTE! How did you know that I knew about the prophecy?
Harry: A little bird told me.
Dumbledore: COMMENTATOR!
Commentator: Why did you have to say that? Why did you say 'a little bird told me?' Everyone knows that refers to me-
Dumbledore: You've meddled in my school for the last time! AVADA KEDAVRA!
(The Commentator dodges the curse, looking horrified)
Dumbledore: AVADA KEDAVRA!
Harry: Professor!
Dumbledore: AVADA KEDAVRA!
THE END
Commentator: Oh dear. I think I droved him over the edge. It's the Daleks all over again! Now then, we have here with us Severus Snape and Draco Malfoy. Draco, what did you think of the film?
Draco: I thought it was terrible! It was worse than the last film! I mean, I only had a couple of lines and the rest were just a bunch of cameos! Now I understand the symbolism of that Underused Character's Tavern! It's because they're all depressed at being underused, so depressed that they end up drinking! I think I'll head down to the pub after this…
Snape: At least you maintained a presence throughout the film despite being muted. I however appeared to have only spontaneously appeared.
Draco: What are you complaining about? You had major scenes! AND you made it into the main cast list! Do you know how long it's been since I've been featured up there? Five years!
Snape: Yes, yes, it's all very tragic. But don't worry, young Draco. Soon our star will shine brightly once more in a year's time.
Commentator: It will indeed. Now before we wrap up, I'd like to respond to our previous reviews.
Professor: But Sir! We've already gone way beyond the c.8000 word limit Anonymius set. We're out of time!
Commentator: Oh come on! I won't have time to do this for another ten months! Please?
Professor: (Sigh) All right. You can do just one.
Commentator: One is all I need! It's from veteran reviewer, 'Siriusobsessed':
Excellent! Once again! You know, this series always seems to brighten up my day...even if I'm reading it at 8:00 at night! Although, I don't really appreciate all the movie and other mentions, as I haven't heard of them all...
Awww. It's nice to know that we've had a positive influence upon the world. And yes, we know that there were one too many obscure references in Goblet of Fire. Anonymius was well aware of the possibility that not everyone would get them. It's just how he wrote it. Now the second one is from newcomer Lostfeather-
Professor: Wait a minute! You said you'd only do the one!
Commentator: I lied:
Another great chapter! I love this! It's so funny... Yay! dances
Thanks for your review, Lost! Btw, Anonymius is glad to find a fellow fan of 'Yu-Gi-Oh: The Abridged Series' on this website. He'd rather have a fictional character like me tell you instead of himself.
Professor: Good Lord! You mean there's actually someone out there who gets our YGOTAS references?
Commentator: It's nice to know that some of our references do not fall upon confused ears. Well, it's been fun this past month.
Harry: Wait, that's it? That's the end?
Commentator: No, we're just going on hiatus for now. Until sometime after 'Half-Blood Prince' comes out.
Ron: But that's another (Counts) 10 months? That's like a whole year!
Commentator: Look, we can't make fun of the movie if it isn't out yet! But don't worry, folks! This isn't the end for us commentators! There are plenty of other films and TV series to make fun of! Those of you who are fond of such series like Naruto, Full Metal Alchemist, Yu-Gi-Oh and Stargate will be pleased to hear that abridged commentaries of those are in the works.
Professor: But sir, there's already a couple of good parodies of a couple of those series, is there any point?
Commentator: Well for Yu-Gi-Oh, it's episodes that have yet to be humoured by LittleKuriboh.
Professor: And Naruto?
Commentator: Just because there's already a good parody out there, doesn't necessarily mean that no one else should be allowed to make fun of the same series if there are ways that haven't been made fun of. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to escape from a deranged, maniacal wizard.
(Door bursts open, revealing a cackling Dumbledore).
Commentator: Gotta go!
And so…
(The Commentator flies through the air, followed by Dumbledore on a broomstick).
Dumbledore: Did you really think that you could get away from me? AVADA KEDAVRA!
(Several killing curses fly threw the air, a few hitting the Commentator)
Commentator: Ow! Ow! OW! I can't die you idiot! I'm immortal! OW! However, that doesn't stop your killing curses feeling like ironclad punches.
Dumbledore: YOU'VE REVEALED SPOILERS FOR THE FINAL INSTALLMENT! NOOOOOOOOOO! THIS TIME YOU'VE GONE TOO FAR!
The End. Really this time. Oh yes and I do not own Lord of the Rings or anything related, nor the characters Phlox, Lilah Morgan and the psychic guy whose name I can't remember. No form of copyright infringement has ever been intended in this fanfic. It's just a parody. Now LEAVE ME ALONE!
The Lawyer: Never!
Sigh.