I do not own Harry Potter or anything related. No copyright infringement of any kind is intended.
(The Harry Potter characters emerge from their stasis pods)
Ron: See, wasn't this such a great idea, Harry? Instead of enduring the wait for the next film we just pass most of the time in suspended animation and only come out for special occaisions like Christmas or New Year!
Hermione: I must admit, Ronald, this was one of your most clever ideas.
Ron: (Shrugs) Tends to happen now and again. Although I can't take all the credit, it was Eric Cartman who originally came up with the idea I just tuned it a little- why are we being greeted by a small, yellow bird?
Commentator: Welcome back my fictional muggle and wizarding friends! Welcome- to 3009.
Ron: WHAT? Oh no, the stasis pods didn't wake us up at the right time!
Commentator: HA HA! Nah, I'm just yanking your chains! Seriously, it's July, 2009.
Ron: July? NO! The thing was supposed to wake us up for Easter! Now we've missed it!
Commentator: Meh, you didn't miss much. Doctor Who had his special, and Tim Roth starred in an over-hyped adaptation of a novel about an angel slash bird-like man, but that's about it.
Harry: Com, why the Hell are you suddenly a canary again? Did you refuse to disclaim stuff everyone knew you didn't own?
Commentator: Numerous times! But that's not the reason I'm currently in this form.
Naruto: Hey Harry! How have you been?
Ed: Hey Harry!
Qui-Gon Genies: Hello Harry. It's good to see you again.
Ninth Doctor: Hello Potter!
Tenth Doctor: We meet again, Harry Po-
Ninth Doctor: I WAS HERE FIRST! OR AT LEAST BEFORE YOU!
Harry 1: Hey Harry!
Harry 2: Hey Harry!
Harry 3: Hey Harry!
Baby Harry: Hello!
Yusuke: Hello Harry Potter! Naruto's and Ed have told me all about you!
Peter: So you're Harry Potter, right? It's nice to meet you, my nephews have read all your books and seen all of your movies.
Harry: Er, likewise. Com, who are some of these people?
Commentator: Ah, much has changed since the last seven months that you were in suspended animation. Anonymius completed the instalments for Naruto and FMA abridged that he was working on, then created sequel instalments for each-
Ed: And completely giving up on us!
Commentator: Oh relax Ed, I'm sure he'll come back to you lot eventually! Ahem, he's also produced two new abridged commentaries, continued 'Cartoon Wars' for a couple of chapters before giving up again, finished the two Harry Potter fics and made sequels, and created two new ones!
Harry: Oh! Er, how have they done?
Commentator: Not well to be honest. I also briefly took over from Anonymius as head of Anonymius productions, then he got officially free and as punishment I got turned into a canary. I'm to stay in this form for about a month and a half.
Draco: Hey look! Fan mail!
Commentator: Ah yes these are the reviews we've accumulated since publishing Chapter Five. There are eleven.
Harry: Wow, eleven! Let's take a look at some of them!
Commentator: If you're going to read one of them, choose carefully. We only have time for one.
Harry: Er, wow. One out of eleven. Boy, this is gonna be a tough choice. Okay let's try this one. Hey Professor Dumbledore! This one's addressed to you personally!
Dumbledore: Really? Well what does it say?
Harry: "I love this! It makes my day every time. And also..DUMBLEDORE! LEAVE THE COMMENTATOR ALONE!"
Dumbledore: - (Mutters) Damn you, Chris Crocker.
Commentator: So, thank you all for your patience, and to reward it, here's-
Professor: AHEM!
Commentator: -What?
Professor: Aren't we forgetting something?
Commentator: -Oh fine! (Groan) Anonymius does not own Harry Potter or anything related. Now that that's out of the way here's-
Professor: AHEM!
Commentator: What, I disclaimed Harry Potter!
Professor: -Not everything though.
Commentator: -YOU'RE NOT SERIOUS-?
Pprofessor: Do it!
Commentator: Oh fine! Anonymius does not own Star Wars, Naruto, Heroes, Fullmetal Alchemist or anything related! Happy now?
Professor: Yes quite.
Commentator: And without further ado, here's 'Half Blood Prince'!
Daily Prophet Photographer: Smile for the camera, Harry Potter!
Dumbledore: I'm sorry you have to go through this, Harry, but there is no other way.
Harry: Why didn't you just create a portkey for me that would have sent me to your office so that I wouldn't have to go through this?
Dumbledore: -That's what I should have done wasn't it? Damn. I didn't think of that.
Muggle: La la la la, I'm just some random person going by his business, la la la la!
(What sounds a lot like 'Thriller' can be heard played in the background as the bridge collapses)
Muggle 2: Hey wait a minute, I don't remember this happening in the book!
Muggle 3: That's because it didn't. This is a new scene inserted to show that the muggle world isn't unaffected.
Muggle 1: Gasp! You don't mean-?
Muggle 3: I'm afraid I do. This scene- is filler.
(Everyone is silent)
Song: YOU KNOW IT'S FILLER!
(Everyone screams and runs around)
Song: FILLER, RIGHT! Dull story lines to allow the manga to move further on, FILLER!
Snape: (Nose pokes out from behind a wall) did someone say 'filler scene'?
Muggle 1: -Aw crap.
Snape: Toniiiiiiiiiight, toniiiiiiiiiiiiight, won't be like any niiiiiiiiiiiiight, tonight there will be no morning starrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! (Runs through the crowd) Toniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight, toniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight, the world is wild and bright (Twirls and runs up some steps), going mad, shooting sparks, into spaaaaaa-WAAH!
(A stunning spell sends him toppling over)
Voldemort: I'm sorry, but SOMEONE had to shut him up!
Harry: Btw I was wondering-
Waitress: I'm free at eleven.
(Next to Harry, the Commentator is reading a newspaper with his feet crossed and on the table. He lowers the newspaper)
Commentator: -Wait what? How old are you?
Waitress: I'm eighteen, what's the problem?
Commentator: -Harry, at this point, you should still be fifteen, right?
Waitress: Fifteen? Whoa, my mistake, I thought you were eighteen! (Runs away)
Harry: (Through gritted teeth) Commentator!
Commentator: What, I didn't want the poor girl to unwittingly commit statutory r**e!
Harry: HOW WAS GOING ON A SIMPLE FIRST DATE WHERE THERE MAY BE JUST KISSING BE STATUTORY R**E?
Commentator: Hey, she would have still been illicit for molesting a minor! Besides I consider any relationship between someone above and below sixteen icky, although you could possibly get away with it if there was just a year difference. However I'm most impressed that someone finds you so attractive that they'll hook up with a random stranger.
Harry: -Why does that impress you?
Commentator: (Hides behind the newspaper) Oh. No reason.
Harry: What, you don't think I'm attractive enough that random strangers want to go out with me?
Commentator: -I'm not really the right kind of person to make that judgement.
Harry: I have you know that loads of people wish they could date me!
Commentator: Well yeah but that's because your famous! People would go out with Quasimodo if he was famous! Btw speaking of dating, aren't you still technically going out with Cho?
Harry: Er, no, we broke up, remember?
Commentator: Yes, over the assumption that she betrayed you all when in fact truth potion was used on her!
Harry: -Oh! Yeah. Right. Well it doesn't matter anyway! After getting stigmatised by the whole school she couldn't take it anymore and left.
Commentator: -That's kinda convenient. Hey, is that Dumbledore over there? -Aw, crap.
Harry: What?
Dumbledore: AVADA KEDAVRA!
(Dumbledore shoots a curse through the window. The Commentator manages to duck.)
Harry: He's still trying to kill you?
Commentator: What can I say, I have that effect on people!
Vernon Dursley: (Walks in the shop along with the other Dursleys) HERE! HANG ON! What happened to our scene!
Umbridge: Do I hear a hardcore fan complaining about changes made to the book?
Harry: Umbridge? What are you doing here? Weren't you carried away by centaurs or something?
Umbridge: I'm undersecretary to the director, remember? I've been sent here to explain any changes made to the story.
Vernon: Well you can start by explaining why we were cut from the film! I mean the first time was understandable, there wasn't enough time to include everyone, but this? Why were we cut and a completely different scene put in?
Umbridge: To illustrate that the main plot in this film are teenage hormones. Besides it's not like much happens in your scene that was relevant to the main plot, and a lot has happened in this new scene!
Vernon: Oh yes. The boy likes girls, that REALLY needed emphasis!
Umbridge: More than you know.
Harry Potter Slashers: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Vernon: THIS IS CALLED 'HARRY POTTER AND THE HALF-BLOOD PRINCE', not 'HARRY POTTER AND HIS RAGING HORMONES'!
Umbridge: Actually the unofficial name for the film is 'Harry Potter and his love life'. But we didn't advertise as such thinking it would put people off.
Vernon: YOU CHANGED THE TITLE OF THE BOOK?
Umbridge: Just unofficially! And don't worry, Mr Dursley, I'm sure the director will include you and your family in the next film! Unless they find some way of carrying on with the plot without you.
Vernon: WHAT?
Umbridge: Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to deal with some angry fans who expected us to include Fleur Delacour despite the length of the book. Have a nice Hollywood existence!
(Vanishes)
Harry: Errrrrrrr….
Dumbledore: Feeling nervous since the last time we met you went mad and broke all my things?
Harry: I went…you're the one who went berserk and tried to kill the Commentator!
Dumbledore: …Ah. I admit I went a little crazy, but I assure you Harry I am over my rage at that…certain figure.
Harry: YOU JUST TRIED TO KILL HIM A SECOND AGO!
Dumbledore: That was just a relapse. I am perfectly over it now!
Harry: So, who are we meet-
Dumbledore: TWEET? DID YOU SAY TWEET? WHERE? AVADA KEDAVRA!
Harry: Professor!
Dumbledore: Sorry, sorry!
Harry: Hey look! Roast duck!
Dumbledore: Duck? BIRD? AVADA KEDAVRA!
Slughorn: Hey! Watch where you're shooting that curse, Albus! You could have killed someone! Namely me!
While Dumbledore goes to the toilet, Slughorn is left alone with Harry.
Harry: Hey, who's that speaking?
Commentator: Oh, I forgot to mention the 'itallic narrator guy' didn't I?
Forget me my-
Commentator: He's a character introduced later by Anonymius to bring cohesion to the parody when we're unable to parody a certain scene, the omission of which would mean lack of cohesion. Kinda like the robot introduced in the syndicated version of that anime with the superheroes dressed like birds when they had to omit really violent scenes.
Slughorn: You know the guy who got recently murdered? Sirius Black? Well, I taught his brother, Regulus. Taught the whole Black family, wished I had the full set.
Harry: But, if you taught my parents then surely you taught Sirius as well?
Slughorn: You're right! By 'taught' I actually meant 'had him in my house'. Don't know why that was altered.
Umbridge: It's to remove any assertion that not all Slytherins are evil, completely contracting the theme of this book is that you can't judge someone by what house they were sorted.
And so, after dangling Harry in front of Slughorn, Dumbledore instantly changes his mind to coming back. Meanwhile elsewhere, Narcissa Malfoy and Bellatrix Lestrange are up to no good.
Bellatrix: Hey Cissy, did you just hear someone talking?
Door: KNOCK KNOCK
Snape: Ow, my head…why Narcissa! What a pleasant surprise! And…Bellatrix? What are you doing here?
Bellatrix: What do you mean?
Snape: Well, I would have thought that any sensible director would cut out any character not that relevant to the main plot! Then again, I should have expected this. I was confused as to why Wormtail was still here.
Wormtail: I have a proper name you know!
Snape: Yes, but calling you Wormtail makes you sound more lackey-like.
Narcissa: For some reason I feel like everything should burst into song right about now.
Bellatrix: Nice house you've got here, Snape.
Snape: Thanks, it's over a hundred years old.
Narcissa: Well you've certainly got an-er-interesting collection of books.
Snape: Those were already here, I assure you! The geishas of Japan...the concubines of Siam...the harlots of India...the catamites of Greece...I have them all here...drawings of them...
(Silence)
Snape: Ahem! So, what brings you here, Narcissa?
Meanwhile at the burrow, Dumbledore has dropped Harry off.
Harry: Why, out of all places, would Dumbledore drop me in the middle of a marsh?
Umbridge: To create humour that contradicts the established personality of characters!
Harry: I figured. Hey! I see Ginny, the girl I love even though up until now I have shown no romantic feelings towards her!
Professor: You know, that whole 'Ginny spiked Harry's drink with a love potion' idea that one fanfic writer based his whole H/H shipper fic on is looking slightly more credible.
Harry: -OH MY GOD! I'M IN LOVE WITH RED HAIRED GINNY! What do I do, what do I do? Hmm, perhaps I should don Peter Parker's style of clothing-
Commentator: No! No more imitation of other heroes! You're just as good as those other heroes…. Well, okay, maybe not AS good, but you've got your own unique style, don't let that be curtailed by the more popular franchises! Daredevil made that mistake!
Harry: You have something against Spiderman, don't you?
Commentator: Well he does lack common sense in 'Spiderman 2' (Which is quite a paradox since he's suppose to be a genius, a paradox not unlike that of Ron Weasley), but that's beside the point!
The next day, the golden trio go off to see Fred and George's new joke shop.
Lavender: Hey Ron!
Ron: Er, hi. (Strange girl I've never met)
Hermione: How did Fred and George afford all of that?
Ron: I guess it does seem incredible-
Hermione: No seriously, HOW DID THEY AFFORD IT? It's not like someone gave them loads of cash that he won in some kind of competition feeling as though he doesn't need the money and that everyone needs a laugh now! And why aren't we being supervised by your parents while buying things?
Ron: School stuff? Hermione, nobody's actually shopped at Diagon alley for school things for years, not since buying thing online became popular! We just came here for the joke shop!
Hermione: -Wizards have internet?
Ron: Something more fun, apparently.
(Draco is walking suspiciously through Diagon Alley)
Hermione: Hey, what's Draco up to?
Ron: Who cares? He hasn't been an important character in years!
(Draco stops)
Draco: I HEARD THAT!
Ron: You were supposed to.
Harry: I'm telling you people, it was an initiaion ceremony!
Ron: Harry, that could have been anything, and you're just going by the most farfetched solution?
Harry: His father's a deatheater, now he's replaced his father. It makes sense.
Hermione: No it doesn't! If you had based your assumption on the idea that Malfoy kept his right arm hidden because that's where the dark mark is then I may be slightly more inclined to consider your theory for a fraction of a second.
Harry: How slightly?
Hermione: 0.000001%.
Ron: Hey, shouldn't Luna have appeared by now?
Harry: Maybe the writers cut her out of the movie?
Hermione: (With an evil-looking expression on her face) Yesss, the writersssss….
Luna: Another year, another film at Hogwarts, Hermione! Aren't you excited?
Hermione: Yes, yes I am Luna. And I'm so sorry I was so awkward around you last year, I was just nervous meeting such a unique individual like yourself!
Luna: Wow! Do you want to be Best Friends Forever?
Hermione: Of course! And to celebrate our newly found best friendship forever, why don't we go in that tavern over there?
Luna: Aren't we a little young for drinking?
Hermione: I'll order a soft drink. After you, Luna…
Luna: You are such a nice person, Hermione!
Hermione: Yes…yes I am.
Hermione's mind: Mwahahahaha! Mwahahahaha! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!
Ron: Er, Hermione, why do you have an evil expression on your face? (Waves hand across face) Hermione?
Later that day Harry goes off spying on Malfoy, only to have him found and paralysed and left on the train.
Harry: Oh well. I'm not too concerned. I'm sure that Tonks will come in, find me on the train, and defreeze me before we jump off the train. (Hears the train starting to leave) Yep. Any second now. (The train departs) WHAT THE HELL? WHERE'S TONKS?
Commentator: Hold on, I'll find out for ya.
WHOOSH
Commentator: Hey Tonks! Why aren't you up at Hogwarts inspecting the train? And why are you coupling with Lupin?
Tonks: Dolores got us together.
Commentator: DOLORES?
Umbridge: Just helping compress the plot of the sixth instalment.
Commentator: One of the many alterations that I can tolerate. But if she's here, then who's supposed to rescue Harry from being petrified?
Umbridge: Oh we gave that role to Luna!
Commentator: -Wha?
Umbridge: Oh yes, we felt that she was a popular character and needed an expanded role. She's supposed to walk in on Harry and recognised him because of her glasses that can see nargles and Harry's head is buzzing with them.
Commentator: Wait. Nargles exist? I thought they were just a myth like the grim or crystal balls working or-oh wait. Well anyway, about Luna, she's missing.
Umbridge: WHAT?
Commentator: She was last seen walking into some tavern and no one's seen her since.
Umbridge: BUT WHO'S SUPPOSED TO RESCUE HARRY?
Commentator: Don't worry! I have a plan!
Commentator: (Beak charges with electricity) LIGHTNING BALL, FIRE!
(The ball shoots off)
Professor: I think you've been watching too much anime, Sir.
(Lightning ball destroys part of the railway)
Commentator: There, that gives the driver enough time to stop the train!
(The train continues to move and falls off the railway, crashing down below)
Commentator: …Or will continue to drive. Yeah.
Harry: Ow ow ow OW!
Commentator: (Carrying him by the shoulders) Oh stop complaining, you've only broken every bone in your body! You know you should see my brother, he's an excellent Healer!
(Drops Harry right over the gate)
Commentator: Hi there, I have one crippled student here who got paralysed and left on the train.
Flitwick: Name?
Harry: Professor, you know me! I'm in your class! Okay that was eight years ago, but I'm memorable!
Snape: No! NO! This is unacceptable!
Flitwick: -What is?
Snape: I've put up with the filmmakers crap for far too long! Just when I thought David Yates respected my character, my major scene when I'm horrible to Potter is cut out! Well I've had enough! (Grabs Harry) I am going to take Potter, drag him to the castle, make him angry and unjustly take away house points, and no one is going to stop me!
Dumbledore: I would like to welcome Professor Horace Slughorn back to Hogwarts to retake his position as Potions Master.
Crickets: CHIRP, CHIRP, CHIRP.
Dumbledore: Erm, okay. In the mean time, giving Severus Snape the Defence Against the Dark Arts job!
Students: CHIRP, CHIRP, CHIRP.
Dumbledore: Huh. The students aren't as shocked as I expected them to be. Now, as you all know, security has been tightened, because years ago there was a student like you. His name- was Tom Riddle.
Students: GASP! TOM RIDDLE! HE'S TALKING ABOUT THE TOM RIDDLE! Who's Tom Riddle?
Ron: Come on, Harry! What important job would Yoonohoo give to a minor character like Malfoy!
Malfoy: Will you stop calling me minor?
McGonagall: Potter! Why are you and Mr Weasley just looking at first years? Shouldn't you be in Potions? I believe that it's your ambition to become an auror.
Harry: It is? Well anyway, I thought that you needed an O to take NEWT level Potions?
McGonagall: That was true when Snape was teaching the subject, but Slughorn is happy enough to accept 'Exceed Expections'.
Harry: -I got an E in Potions?
McGonagall: Didn't you get your owl?
Harry: I'm surprised I got any O.W.L.s! I thought they were interrupted in the middle of the theory on Charms? Also ff that's the case then why didn't you confirm this with me when I was choosing my subjects?
McGonagall: Just get to class!
Ron: I don't have time for Potions! I've got Quidditch practice!
Harry: Yeah. Wait, what? Quidditch? We've got Quidditch in this film?
Ron: Er, yeah. What's the problem?
Harry: Well I thought that since Quidditch in this film plays no bigger role in the main plot than it did in the last one that it would have been cut out. Honestly, having Quidditch, adding new scenes, rearranging the plots, are we sure it's David Yates who's directing this time?
Ron: I think he perhaps feel guilty cutting it out last film. Why you're not scared, are you?
Harry: No, I'm just a little out of practice that's all. I mean it was cut out last film, replaced by the Triwizard Tournament the previous one, and only had the one scene before, let's face it, Quidditch hasn't been important since the days of Chris Columbus.
Slughorn: Now then, how about you all go through what Professor Snape taught you?
Students: Nothing.
Slughorn: Now then, there must be something-
Students: No seriously, he didn't teach us anything! Apart from that speech in first year about brewing glory, bottling fame, and putting a stopper on death, but that was about it!
Slughorn: Now then, while Harry and Ron rummage for books, I shall go through potions that are of no relevance to the film.
Veritaserum and Pollyjuice: BOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Slughorn: Quiet, you!
Ron: (Harry! It's that weird girl from the jokeshop before!)
Harry: (Yeah, she's Lavender Brown. Apparently she's been with us since First Year)
Ron: (Yeah, I'd think I remember some bubbly girl wearing flowers. HANG ON A MINUTE! SHE'S GRYFFINDOR TOO! SO IS NEVILLE! HOW WERE WE THE ONLY TWO WHO DIDN'T KNOW THAT YOU COULD GET IN WITH AN 'E'?) WAIT A MINUTE! Neville, why are you here? I thought you hated 'Potions'?
Neville: Whatever gave you that idea?
Seamus: We're doing Potions! I can't believe it! We're actually learning Potions! Finally, after years of off screen we're actually doing-
Cauldron: BOOM!
Seamus: Oh come on! I thought that joke fizzled out years ago?
And so the students work on their potions. Meanwhile Harry's book has some useful tips, leading him to do better than the rest of the class. Hermione becomes so flustered that her hair goes bushy.
Sammy: Why Hermione! You look like your character as described in the books!
Commentator: Took them long enough to get it right.
Dumbledore: Hello, Harry. In order to keep with the plot of the film, let's talk about your love life. I hear you have been spending a lot of time with Hermione Granger.
Harry: Er, yeah, she's my best friend, I've been spending no more time with her now than I have before noticing girls. Anyway, we're friends, there's-
Dumbledore: I instantly believe you.
Harry: -You do?
Dumbledore: But of course! If something really was going on between the two of you, you would have said, 'just friends' instead of only 'friends'.
Numerous Male Characters: ...THAT'S WHERE I WENT WRONG!
Dumbledore: Here, Harry, is a collection of every memory relating to Voldemort. All six of them, each giving crucial information on Voldemort, everything you need to know on him, that will be important later on. (Takes out two) However, due to time restraints, we can only watch two.
Harry: WHAT? JUST TWO? But you can't possibly cut out the others! Okay the Gaunts I guess we can live without, but What about Hokey, Morfin and where Voldie asks you for a job?
Dumbledore: Sorry, like I said, due to time restraints and new scenes added in to make the film more exciting we've had to cut a few. Plus this has become somewhat of a subplot, with you and your friends' raging hormones the focus of the movie despite the title. Also it's not like you can make a movie based around flashbacks, can you?
Harry: -What about that Daniel Craig Flick, that actually called 'Flashbacks of a Fool?'
Dumbledore: -Yeah well, that film had bad reviews, also if you had actually seen the movie-
Harry: And Prestige, that was also basically a flashback film!
Dumbledore: -Yeah, okay, 'The Prestige' did it-
Harry: 'Watchmen' was also based on a lot of flashbacks.
Dumbledore: Look I'm not the director, am I? It's not my fault what they keep and what they cut-
Harry: There was also this low budget film about a guy who goes see this castle and throughout he experiences flashbacks to the past-
Dumbledore: Okay, I get it, you can stop now!
Harry: The first Hulk film in 2003 also had flashbacks.
Dumbledore: SHUT UP!
Harry: And I'm sure there are loads of others, I just can't think of them right now-
Dumbledore: AVADA KEDAVRA!
Dumbledore: This is perhaps the most important memory. I want you to see it.
Harry: Erm, aren't you coming with me?
Dumbledore: I'm sorry?
Harry: Into the pensieve?
Dumbledore: (Laughs) Harry, the pensieve doesn't work that way! You just look at it and see what memory it is. Rather being like a commentator.
Commentator: WHAT? THIS IS AN OUTRAGE! First you decide to give Luna Lovegood a larger role, now this? No, you are seeing the memory as well!
Mrs Cole: I'm rather suspicious of you, Professor Dumbledore.
Dumbledore: I see. Well, maybe this will sort out everything?
Mrs Cole: Well, everything seems to be in order!
Harry: Erm, Professor, what was that piece of paper you gave her?
Dumbledore: I got it off of Barty Crouch.
Harry: Okay, hasn't this Barty Crouch/ Doctor Who joke died yet?
Dumbledore: Nonsense, Harry! Barty Crouch/ Doctor Who jokes don't die! They just regenerate!
Harry: Did you know, Sir? Back then?
Dumbledore: Did I know that I just met the most terrible wizard of all? No, I did not.
Harry: Oh come on Sir, how could you not have known? That kid looked like the Omen child's grandfather for crying out loud! That room was screaming 666! He even wrote it all over his room!
Dumbledore: Well, given that this was about forty years before 'The Omen' ever came out, that reference is rather redundant.
Harry: -Oh. Erm, good point. So Sir, what was important about that memory that made it more important than the others?
Dumbledore: What do you mean what was important about it, you ungrateful little sod? I've just given you important background information! What more could you want?
Harry: I don't know! Maybe how he shows contempt to anything that makes him common, or how he likes to operate alone! Pointing out to me how he likes to collect trophies would have also been important!
Later that year Hermione attempts to snatch Harry's potion book from him.
Ginny: (Now for no reason at all, I'm gonna betray Harry who I'm just friends with by snatching the book) Who's the Half-Blood Prince?
Harry: The who?
Ginny: This book is by someone called the Half-Blood Prince!
Harry: Why are you getting so worked up about it?
Ginny: Because I don't trust suspicious books!
Harry: No, it's books that think for yourself that you have something against!
Ginny: Oh that's right! Here you go!
Psychiatrist: Right then, Albus, tell me what you see? (Holds up an ink blotch)
Dumbledore: A bird. A BIRD? AVADA KEDAVRA! (Shoots curse) Oops! Sorry about that, psychiatrist. Psychiatrist? Uh oh.
Later that year, Katie Bell is struck by a deadly curse, and Harry has his suspicions.
Harry: I believe that Malfoy was behind it.
McGonagall: And what makes you so sure?
Harry: Well, instead of telling you what I witnessed in Borgin and Burkes, and what I heard Malfoy say on the train, I'm just gonna say that I just know.
Snape: You just know? YOU JUST KNOW? Oh yes, Potter. That's a way to base a case. After all, all the best arguments in the world were won by the arguer saying "I just know"!
Harry: Now then, how to find out what Draco's up to without him knowing I'm on to him? I know! Hey Neville-
Neville: No.
Harry: -I'm sorry?
Neville: I said no. Whatever you're about to ask me, I'm not doing it. Everyone has been giving me these mediocre tasks recently! "Neville, go fetch us some giliweed! Neville, find the room of requirement! Neville, go spy on Malfoy without him knowing!" What am I, a house elf?
Harry: No, you're a substitute House elf. There's a difference.
Neville: Well I've had enough! Just because I'm the archetypical 'loser' at school doesn't mean I get to do all the dirty work! I've had enough, I'm leaving! (Walks away)
Harry: Well, there goes the significance of the Malfoy plot.
Malfoy: …DAMN YOU, NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM!
Harry: Hey! The Quidditch uniform is a little bit more bulky than I remember!
Ginny: Yeah, they decided to Americanise our sport.
Harry: And what's with the hoods?
Ginny: They're there because everyone knows that all wizards and witches wear hoods apparently.
At their first tryout, Harry has problems keeping order, whereas Ginny is able to keep them quiet.
Harry: Wait a minute! Why am I so timid? I'm supposed to be the born leader like last film, aren't I? Are we sure we haven't changed director again?
Hermione: How are we supposed to win Quidditch with Ron so nervous?
Harry: Don't worry, I have a cunning plan…
Harry: WHAT THE HELL? What went wrong?
Professor: Probably because no one noticed you 'spiking' Ron's juice with luck potion. See, this is what happens when someone starts writing the parody of the film BEFORE it comes out.
Commentator: Well how were we supposed to know that David Yates was gonna give Luna a large role? Don't worry, I have the remote!
Remote: REWIND REWIND REWIND!
Commentator: There. Hey Harry! What did you just put in Ron's drink?
ONE QUIDDITCH GAME LATER...
Harry: Wait a minute! That's it? What happened to me catching the snitch?
Hermione: Didn't anyone tell you, Harry? Quidditch this film has been all about Ron's moment to shine!
Harry: So the last time I play MY sport, the one thing that I'm good at, I don't even get to do what I do best?
Hermione: Well it could have been worse.
Harry: How?
Hermione: You could have had your head cracked open like in the book.
Harry: -I guess. Although I was still the centre of attention.
Ron: (Wow! Lavender's kissing me! Well, despite the fact that she's insane and that I'm in love with Hermione, I think I'll break her heart for no reason and kiss her back, even though it's not like I'm mad at Hermione for kissing Krum or anything!)
Hermione: (In tears) Harry, how does it feel, seeing Ginny together with Dean?
Harry: It feels like this.
Hermione: -Seriously? Like this? The girl that you've shown no attraction towards for the past five years and who you're suddenly feeling strong feelings towards for no adequately explained reason?
Harry: Hey, don't blame the filmmakers! It's just as sudden as in the book!
Hermione: No it isn't. You realise your true feelings When you see them kissing rather than suddenly having romantic feelings for her, plus if you read the last books carefully you could see these feelings building up!
Harry: That would be a matter of debate.
Later, that Christmas...
Ginny: I've saved some sweets for you, Harry.
Harry: Wow. Thanks Ginny.
Ginny: I really like you, Harry.
Harry: Yeah. I like you too.
(Silence)
Commentator: WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?
Umbridge: Oh what are you complaining about now?
Commentator: LOOK AT THEM! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO THEM! You've sucked out all the originality of the Harry/Ginny relationship and it being about him struggling with his feelings and if she likes him the way he likes her and turned it into a cheesy romance!
Dumbledore: Now here Harry is a memory from Professor Slughorn where he is talking to Tom Riddle.
Harry: Tom Riddle? (Looks around) Where's Tom Riddle?
Dumbledore: There's Tom Riddle! (Points to student).
Harry: THAT'S NOT TOM RIDDLE! If that's Riddle, then the basilisk looks like a snake and I look like my father!
Dumbledore: Well there you are, then!
Harry: But it's not Tom Riddle! Oh sure it looks like him, but it's a completely different person!
Dumbledore: Are you sure?
Harry: It's hard to forget a psychotic diary that tries to kill you with a giant legless dragon.
Dumbledore: Well why did you say the basilisk looked like a snake and you look like your father, then? If he does look different it's probably because the writers replaced the previous actor because he doesn't look sixteen anymore.
Harry: He didn't look sixteen to begin with.
Dumbledore: I assume that you are confused, Harry.
Harry: I sure am. How did Slughorn have no idea Riddle was evil, either? He was so sly, I wouldn't have trusted him!
Dumbledore: I meant how he says something that's rather muted.
Harry: Oh right. That.
Harry: Hey. Should a teacher like you give a minor alcohol?
Slughorn: Oh don't be such a prude, Harry! A little drink isn't going to affect your health that badly!
(Ron collapses)
Slughorn: I stand corrected.
(Ron starts to froth)
Slughorn: Well this has never happened before!
Harry: RON, NO! I know! I'll use something that I've never been given any indication to use! Bottoms up, Ronald!
Ron: GAK!
Harry: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! RON'S DEAAAAAAAAAAAAD!
Ron: No actually I'm instantly fine. That was just a choke gak rather than a death gak. They're easily confused.
Harry: Huh. I would have expected you to still be unconscious or something.
Dumbledore: Horace, could you care to explain HOW a minor got his hands on your alcohol?
Slughorn: I swear Albus, he told he was over eighteen, and he looked like it so I didn't see any reason to question him! Who would have thought that he was actually seventeen! Seriously, does he actually LOOK seventeen?
Harry: I'm more baffled as to why his parents aren't here yet. And why is he in the hospital wing unconscious? He was instantly fine the moment he gaked on my bezoar.-Why did what I just said sound so wrong?
Slashers: YAY!
Snape: Anything to keep the slashers happy.
Harry: (Now then, even though Malfoy's not threatening me with an unforgivable curse, I'm going to use a suspicious looking spell that even sounds bad) SECTUMSEMPRA! Oh no! What have I done? And I had no idea this would happen!
Hermione: So wait, you used a spell who's effect you don't know that sounds like 'Sectumsempra' and you expected nice things from it?
Harry: How was I supposed to know what it would do?
Hermione: Harry the very name sounded bad!
Ginny: You need to get rid of the book.
Harry: Why? I mean should I really give up the book because of one bad spell, it's not like Snape's pressing any charges-
Ginny: JUST DO IT!
Harry: Yes mam.
Ron: WHI-TCH, WHI-TCH, WHI-TCH.
Harry: Shut up, Ron.
Ginny: Harry, there's something I've been wanting to do for the longest time. (Kisses Harry)
Harry: (Pulls away) Wait, aren't you still going out with Dean?
Ginny: Yep.
Harry: …Oh well! (Pushes back)
Commentator: HARRY!
Harry: What?
Harry: Wow, it's really lucky that Snape didn't question me as to where I got that spell, nor giving me detention, nor anyone knowing that I used dark magic on Malfoy- wait a minute! That's it! Luck! I know now how to get to Slughorn!
After drinking the Felix Felicis...
Harry: You know what, Hermione? You're my best friend! And you know what, Ron? You're also my best friend! And now I'm off to Hagrid's!
Hermione: Er, Harry, this is luck potion isn't it, not-
Ron: Whiskey?
Harry: (To some passer bys) Hello, you lot! You guys are my best friends!
Harry: Is that aragog, son of Arathog? Wow! He seems so much smaller since last time I saw him!
Hagrid: (Sniff) People are pu' off teh spiders because of their legs!
Harry: Also you know, it's the pincers! (Makes spider impressions. The commentators stare)
Commentator: Hey Prof, you didn't happen to mix something else in that luck potion of yours, did you?
Slughorn: Well I might have mixed in some whiskey as well, why?
Commentator: Oh, no rea-YOU DID WHAT? YOU GAVE ONE OF THE STRONGEST ALCOHOLS IN THE WORLD TO A MINOR?
After obtaining the memory from Slughorn, Harry and Dumbledore examine it.
Dumbledore: Horcruxes! He's been making Horcruxes!
Harry: You didn't know?
Dumbledore: No, I had no idea! I had my suspicions, but I wasn't certain!
Harry: So, any idea what he may have used?
Dumbledore: None whatsoever.
Harry: -But, you must have some idea-
Dumbledore: No.
Harry: -But Voldemort must have had some idea what to use-
Dumbledore: No.
Harry: I mean he's not like the type to put his soul in any old object-
Dumbledore: He is.
Harry: -Seriously? The terrible dark wizard who thinks so highly of himself would put a piece of his own soul in a mouldy old-
Dumbledore: Yes. And once all are destroyed he'll be a mortal man. His power and brain intact, but a man nonetheless.
Harry: -So, let me get this straight. A person can split their soul, that which contains their consciousness and essence, numerous times, and the only thing it does to them is lessen their consciounce and makes them look like a monster?
Dumbledore: Don't be ridiculous, Harry! Spliting the soul numerous times makes it unstable!
Harry: And what does that do to the person?
Dumbledore: Nothing whatsoever, apart from make their soul fall apart even more.
Harry: So, it just continues doing what the wizard or witch was doing already.
Dumbledore: Yes.
Harry: -So let me get this clear. A person can split their soul an infinite number of times, with only the real side affects being removing the conscience and turning you into a demon. A soul, that which contains both the person's life force and their psyche, splitting it does nothing to the person's self awareness nor their health?
Dumbledore: I think the soul in this case is supposed to represent the heart.
Harry: IT WAS THE CONSCIOUNESS THREE BOOKS AGO! And surely if you split your consciouness loads of times you can't exactly retain the self awareness of a human, surely? If he really split it seven times he should be left with the equivalent of a snake's! Oh, that explains a lot.
Dumbledore: Harry, try to understand that the soul means a number of things in western culture.
Harry: You can't have a strong mythos if you keep changing the meaning of something! That just makes the soul even less credible than it already is in modern western society!
Later that year, Dumbledore invites Harry to come with him to destory a horcrux.
Dumbledore: Did you remember to get your cloak, Harry?
Harry: No.
Dumbledore: Oh, well it doesn't matter.
Invisibility Cloak: WHAT IS THIS? I'VE ONLY BEEN USED ONCE IN THIS MOVIE? HOW DARE I BE PUT IN THE SAME CATEGORY AS THE HOUSE ELVES AND GHOSTS AND DURSLEYS, I AM THE FRIGGIN CLOAK OF INVISIBILITY!
Harry: Wait a minute, did we just apparate out of Hogwarts?
Dumbledore: Yes. So?
Harry: -That's against the rules, isn't it?
Dumbledore: Screw the rules, I am Dumbledore.
Hardcore fans: WHAT?
And so, Dumbledore and Harry venture into the cavern, finding the horcrux within some poison. And after drinking it-
Dumbledore: I feel instantly well.
Harry: -Really? I would have thought-
Dumbledore: I just feel extremely thirsty.
Harry: Huh. Okay, I'll just get you some water. Ah. The 'goblet' doesn't seem to be able to hold water, so I guess I have to take some from the pool. AAAAAAAAAH! ZOMBIES!
Dumbledore: No, they're inferi.
Harry: WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?
Dumbledore: Well zombies are the recently resurrected servants, whereas an inferi is any old reanimated corpse used to attack people.
Harry: Yeah, I'm sure they're really fussed with what they're called!
Inferi 1: Brains!
Inferi 2: Brains!
Sylar: BRAIIIIIIIIIIIIINS!
Inferi 3: Brains!
Harry: (Groan) I should have been expecting the lame 'Brains!' joke! Seriously, zombies plus parody = Brains! every time! I say Professor, these inferi look slightly more shrivelled than in the original novel. Come to think of it, they don't look like zombies at all! More like an army of double sized gollums. No! Stay back! Damn if only I could think of a deadly spell that can cut through people, AAAAAAAAAH!
Inferi: My precioussssss!
Inferi: No, my preciousssssssss!
Inferi: No, my precioussssssssssss!
Harry: (Groan) (Why did I have to say they look like Gollum, why?)
Dumbledore saves Harry with a fire charm, and they manage to get back to Hogwarts, with Dumbledore surrounded by Death Eaters while Harry has been told to hide.
Dumbledore: Why Greyback! I'm surprised that you're here! I would have thought that any sensible director would have cut out any unnecessary characters to the main plot. And Bellatrix! Keeping things is one thing, but adding? No wonder we haven't had time to focus on the real main plot-
Bellatrix: Shut up!
Dumbledore: I don't suppose you're going to introduce me to your friends, are you?
Bellatrix: Meh. They're just extras, they're not important.
Death Eaters: HEY!
Bellatrix: Oh you are and you know it!
Yaxley: How come Greyback gets to remain important and the rest of us get marginalized?
Greyback: Because I'm a werewolf, and everyone loves werewolves!
Yaxley: No that's vampires.
Harry: (Oh no! The professor's in danger! Time to jump into action!)
Snape's Implication: No Potter! I shall take care of the problem!
Harry: (Well, I've never liked you in the past but I guess I can trust you!)
Snape: AVADA KEDAVRA!
(Killing curse flies through the air)
Avada Kedavra: WHEEEEEEE!
Dumbledore: GAK!
Harry: Oh terrific! The one time I try to get along with Snape, he kills the guy who was like a grandfather to me! I mean, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Commentator: Well, it was bound to happen in the end. These great old wizards don't have long life expectancies, and it has nothing to do with them being old.
Yaxley: MWAHAHAHAAAA! DUMBLEDORE'S DEAD! NOW LET US REEK HAVOC UPON THE CASTLE!
Alecto: No, now we get out of here.
Yaxley: -Wait what? Then what was the point of us coming here? Did Malfoy go all the trouble and the stress of getting the cabinet working, to get us in here, just so we could leave?
Alecto: Well also doing some damage.
Yaxley: Well yeah but that only really needed one of us! Honestly I can't wait until the next film when my character will be fleshed and does something!
Alecto: Actually it's more likely that given your character hasn't been introduced that your role will be replaced by a death eater already mentioned. Like Barty Crouch, I mean it wasn't confirmed that he was demented and he is played by the most popular Doctor Who ever.
Yaxley: …DAMN YOU, DAVID TENNANT!
Snape: I am furious that you used my own spell against me, Potter.
Harry: You don't look that furious.
Snape: Oh I am furious. (Points at his face) See this? This is my furious face.
And so, the Death Eaters escape. The next day...
McGonagall: Hello, Potter. I'm here to stand in for Dumbledore as the character who explains everything to you at the end of every instalment.
Harry: Well that just lessened the impact of Dumbledore's death!
Hermione: Do you think there's a chance that Dumbledore can come back from the dead?
Ron: He's bound to! These Great old and wise wizards always come back from the dead!
Harry: Actually Ron-
Ron: NO! NO! (Hands over ears) Why are you telling such lies, Harry Potter? WHY ARE YOU TELLING SUCH LIES???? (Runs away)
Hermione: Harry, you interfered with his grieving process!
Harry: Grieving process? He wasn't grieving at all!
Hermione: Sure he was! The first step is always denial!
THE E-
Dumbledore: WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE! WHAT HAPPENED TO MY FUNERAL?
Umbridge: It's been postponed. The professionals got confused with the location and have ended up at Charles Xavier's funeral.
Dumbledore: WHAT? XAVIER'S?
Umbridge: Well just as well, the filmmakers didn't feel that it fitted with the rest of the film's tone.
Dumbledore: What do you mean, it was dark and it was relationship related! How am I supposed to brag to Xavier that oh sure, he can come back from the dead, but at least I had a better funeral!
Umbridge: Well I'm sorry to say that it will take the professionals to get here in about a year.
Dumbledore: So I have to wait for ANOTHER year? No, you know what, you put my funeral scene in RIGHT NOW, or I won't star in the scene where Harry is hovering between the worlds of life and death!
Umbridge: Oh fine then! Here's your stinking funeral!
ONE FUNERAL LATER...
Dumbledore: That was terrible!
Umbridge: Well I did tell you that the professionals wouldn't be here, didn't I?
Dumbledore: Well at least Harry gets his scene with Ginny where he sacrifices her in order to save her. I don't know what the filmmakers were thinking cutting THAT out!
Harry: Ginny, I'm sorry but we can't be seeing each other anymore. My enemies will try to get to you to get to me-
The Lawyer: Young man I represent the good people at Sony Pictures and they will not tolerate this imitation of 'Spiderman'!
Harry: What? This isn't based on 'Spiderman'!
The Lawyer: Oh please! The cemetery scene on a sunny day among the grass with the dark haired boy dumping the redhead to protect her from his enemies is all 'coincidence'? It has 'Spiderman' crawled all over it! In big giant cobwebs!
Ginny: You know, it's not really a crime to create a scene that just has similarities with another! I mean, when you think about it, you're an example of another idea being used!
The Lawyer: Hmmm. I suppose you're right! I've got to call my people! (Vanishes)
Commentator: Oh, you had to tell him that. You had to get the most annoying character on our back?
Harry: Well at least it got rid of him.
Ron: Well, first you dated Lana Lang and then you dated Mary Jane. Who are you going to date next, er…Catwoman?
Hermione: That would mean he has to date a blond. But the only blond I know is-Oh no! (Image of Luna Lovegood comes to mind. Psycho music plays) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
THE END
(The Commentators are silent)
Commentator: OH MY GOD! This has to be our longest Harry Potter parody of all! Which means that Half-Blood Prince was the worst Harry Potter film of all, after Order of the Phoenix, Philosopher's Stone, Prisoner of Azkaban, Chamber of Secrets and Goblet of Fire.
Professor: Sir, you can't make that sort of decision just on word length-
Sammy: Well I guess that we have to wait for another year then before the next parody comes out.
Ron: Right then, back to the pods.
Commentator: Stop right there, Ron!
Ron: Oh come on, you're not really expecting us to endure the wait, are you? I men ten months was bad enough, but FIFTEEN?
Commentator: Yes well the readers are in for a treat in about a fortnight! Like with 'Half-Blood Prince', Anonymius already started work on it when the book came out, and found that he had enough material for a chapter.
Everyone: -WHAT?
Commentator: Well we also had enough material for Half Blood Prince as well, but he felt that he needed the film's flaws in order to be complete, but felt that Deathly Hallows Abridged is complete enough. Besides, given that the next one is split in two, meaning that they will include more which means that the films are less likely to be flawed compared to its predecessors, Anonymius does not want to wait for a whole year and find 'Oh no. I could have posted it a year ago. I wasted a year waiting!' Plus there's a chance that whatever the filmmakers will do to the book will upset what Anonymius has already written, as what happened with this chapter. And even if the last two films are parody worthy, we'll just create one offs based on them.
Sammy: HOORAY! WE DON'T HAVE TO WAIT FOR A YEAR!
Commentator: So it all comes to an end in a fortnight. Which is also good for me because since it's the end Anonymius is gonna let me out of this canary form for the duration!
Sammy: You know Boss, there's a chance that the last two films will be bad!
Commentator: -What makes you say that, Sam?
Sammy: Bad things always go wrong when a film series ends with the last two films having the same plot!
Commentator: -What are you talking about?
Sammy: 'Matrix Reloaded' and 'Revolutions', as well as 'Pirates of the Carribean: Dead Man's Chest' and 'At World's End'.
Professor: He's got a point.
Commentator: True. But we're still not waiting for a whole nother year!
Professor: Right then Sir. There's just one more disclaiment to do-
Commentator: You know what? No. I'm not doing it. If you thinki disclaiming is so important, you do it!
Professor: Gladly! Ahem, Anonymius does not own the lyrics of 'Tonight'.
Commentator: Now that's that sorted, see you all in a fortnight!