Okay, first of all, I just want to say, apologies for the lateness of the final chapter. I know I promised you this a fortnight after Half-Blood Prince, and it's been (checks update date)-Hey! It was last August I posted Half-Blood Prince! Phew! That's a relief! I was concerned that it had been over a year since I last posted a chapter! Ahem, but that does not excuse me for not living up to my promise. The reason why it took so long was because I was writing the epilogue, which was an absolute pain to write, which put me off writing Harry Potter Abridged for a while. However, I've written what I needed now, and now finally I can post the chapter you were promised.
Look on the bright side! If Part One of the film is parody worthy, it means you don't have to wait for so long!
Ahem, but that still doesn't excuse me for the lateness.
Oh yes and I do not own 'Harry Potter' or anything related.
Commentator: Welcome back, my muggle and wizarding wannabee friends, to the final instalment of the 'Harry Potter' saga! Now, the big question that everyone is asking is-
Professor: Is Harry Potter going to die?
Commentator: (Stares at the Professor) What? Well, yes, I suppose that question has some importance, but the REAL question that everyone is asking is-
Professor: Is Harry Potter going to die?
Commentator: Look here; it is not 'Is Harry Potter going to die?'! It is 'Will Harry Potter triumph over Voldemort?'!
Professor: No, that's the question you're asking. Everyone else is asking 'will Harry Potter die?'
Commentator: Look, he is not going to die!
Professor: I think the fans would disagree with you. They've practically arranged his funeral.
Commentator: I doubt that it is that literal-
(Professor points to a church where Harry Potter fans have already prepared a coffin with a banner 'Harry Potter, we hardly knew ye' above as well as a wake.)
Commentator: Ohh. I see. Well his mother's protection may soon wear off, but there is another, more lasting protection that cannot be penetrated! The protection of a children's genre! And in a children's story, the main characters cannot die, they just can't- (something floats it's way at the commentators feet) What's this? A few pages that have conveniently appeared? (Picks them up and reads them. Eyes go wide. Reads the next page. Eyes go even wider. Reads final page) He's a goner.
Sammy: Hey guys! Why are both of you wondering whether Harry Potter will die or not? Everyone knows that-
Commentator: (SHH! We're pretending that it's unresolved in order to address it! Plus this was written at the time of the book).
Sammy: -OHHHHHHH! I don't get it. Hey, are we going to do the review special?
Commentator: Sadly no. Anonymius felt that it was bad for the flow of this chapter. They'll be replied in a final review special.
Voldemort: SOON, MY DEATH EATERS. WE SHALL RISE IN TRIUMPH, TAKE OVER THE WIZARDING WORLD, AND KILL HARRY POTTE-AAAAAAAAAAAAAH! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
(Indicates Bart Crouch Jr)
Barty Crouch Jr: Don't you mean 'Who am I?'
(Death Eaters groan)
Death Eater: That joke's already been done!
Voldemort: BUT I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD! OR AT LEAST HAD YOUR SOUL REMOVED!
Barty Crouch Jr: Because that was never explicitly shown in 'Goblet of Fire', the directing crew have brought me back because many of the Death Eater characters had become so insignificant.
Voldemort: YES…GOODY….
Barty Crouch Jr: One of the many death eaters I will replace will be Yaxley.
Yaxley: DAMN YOU, DAVID TENNANT!
Barty: What, does Christopher Eccleston play you or something?
Yaxley: (Smiles) Yes.
Barty: -Oh. Aw, crap.
Yaxley: (Stands up) MWAHAHAHAHA! I'VE WAITED A LONG TIME FOR THIS! (Whips out his wand) DIE, DAVID TENNANT! (Shoots curses) THIS IS FOR REPLACING ME AS DOCTOR WHO!
Barty: (Whips out his wand, blocks the spells and counters) You left voluntarily! You're just jealous because I was a better Doctor Who than you ever were!
Death Eater 1: Erm, shouldn't we stop this?
Death Eater 2: Why? This is the ultimate showdown that everyone's been waiting for!
Dursleys: Goodbye, Harry. (And leave)
(Harry sniffs)
Hestia Jones: Feeling sad that you're departing from your family?
Harry: Actually, I'm upset that they never got their comeuppance. What with all the child abuse they inflicted on me!
Hestia Jones: Well, you know, we could always arrange for a giant peach to fall on them…
Harry: What! I'm not going to deliberately have them killed! Make it a giant raspberry. I hear they're less fatal.
(Killing curse flies through the air)
Avada Kedavra: WHEEEEE!
Hedwig: GAK!
Harry: OH MY GOD! THEY KILLED HEDWIG!
Hagrid: YOU BASTARDS!
Harry: Hey! You can't swear in a fundamentally children's film!
(The Commentator and Professor fly by, the former reading a book)
Commentator: Actually, I'm afraid he can. There are several accounts of swearing in 'Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows'.
Harry: But it's a children's book!
Commentator: Yes, I think children, as in 'seventeen year olds'.
Harry: (Gapes at him) You mean I don't even have the protection of a children's genre?
Commentator: Not this genre, no.
Voldemort: HERE I COME, TO DOOM THE DAYYYYYY!
Harry: Hey Voldy! Wow, you look a lot younger and less wretched than last time I saw you!
Voldemort: THANKS, I HAD A MAN IN A WHITE ROBE OVER AND HE EXORCISED THE TRANSDIMENSIONAL SPACE PARASITES.
Harry: How was it?
Voldemort: LIKE DRAWING POISON FROM A WOUND… NOW THEN, HARRY: EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!
Harry: (Groan) Oh not his impression of a Dalek again! I regret ever telling him that he sounded like a Dalek.
Voldemort: EXTERMIN-
(Whams on invisible shield. Rest of death eaters also slam on the wall)
Death eater 1: Oo!
Death eater 2: Ah!
Death eater 3: KANTANA!
Death Eater 4: Say!
Death Eater 5: Oo!
Death Eater 6: Ah!
Death Eater 7: Kantana!
Death Eater 8: Yee!
Death Eater 9: Hah!
Harry: Hey, are you guys arguing whether Mad-Eye's really dead?
Hermione: No actually we're arguing about if Dumbledore's really dead. Ron's just in the middle of the transition from denial to anger.
Ron: BUT HE CAN'T BE DEAD! THESE GREAT OLD WIZARDS ALWAYS COME BACK FROM THE DEAD! AND THE PHOENIX? WHAT ABOUT THE PHOENIX? ISN'T THAT AN IMPLICATION THAT DUMBLEDORE CAN RISE FROM THE ASHES? JK ROWLING, HOW COULD YOU KILL OFF DUMBLEDORE?
Hermione: And now the transition is complete.
Hermione: From what I've read about horcruxes, they're objects with a piece of a dark lord's essence in and the only way to destroy the villain is to destroy the horcrux. Unfortunately they are extremely difficult to destroy and they can become quite possessive of the people that wear them.
Harry: Oh God, we're going to end up calling them 'my precious', aren't we?
Hermione: I wouldn't rule it out.
Rufus Scrumgeour: What if I told you that some people say that the only way to destroy He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named is to use the sword of Gryffindor?
Harry: I'd say that they've been reading too much epic fantasy.
Hermione: Anything on the snitch?
Harry: No…there's nothing. Wait. (Words appear on the golden snitch) It's in some form of House-Elvish. It says 'one snitch to rule them all, one snitch to find them, one snitch to bring them all and in the darkness bind them'. (Notices that they are staring. Grins) Sorry. I couldn't resist.
Harry: Okay. Why am I suddenly at Grimmauld's Place? Huh. This must be Sirius' room. Wow. Look at all the posters of muggle girls in here. WAIT A MINUTE! SIRIUS WAS STRAIGHT? And all this time I thought he was gay!
Commentator: Okay. Stop right there. We draw the line against any Sirius/Remus slashing in these parodies!
Harry: What? Oh no, I was thinking he had the hots for my dad.
Commentator: -Oh. Right. That is more plausible I guess.
Kreacher: MUNDUNGUS FLETCHER! HE STOLE THE PRECIOUSSSSSSSSSS!
(Silence)
Harry: Well that concludes it. The locket is definitely a horcrux (Although where he came from I have no idea).
Harry: Right then, we've got the Horcrux! Now, how are we going to carry it without affecting our minds?
Ron: It's a shame we don't have a hobbit with us. I hear they're good at carrying objects of pure, sentient evil on long journeys.
Hermione: It looks like we'll just have to share the burden between us.
Ron: Right then, off to the next horcrux!
Harry: Er, yeah, about that…
Ron: What?
Harry: Well, you know how in the book Dumbledore gave me clues as to the horcruxes, being objects belonging to the founders and that he's unlikely to put his soul in any old object and that there's a possibility that Nagini's a horcrux and that it appears to be he places them in places connected to him?
Ron: Yes?
Harry: Well…in the film, we don't even have that.
Ron: …WHAT? Are you seriously trying to tell me that we have no idea where the horcruxes are, what they are, that Nagini's one of them, and it wasn't even cleared up whether he deliberately created six or seven?
Harry: That pretty much sums it up. The only clue Dumbledore gave me was that 'evil tends to leave traces', whatever that means.
Ron: -DAMN YOU, DAVID YATES!
Hermione: Should you really be damning David Yates, I mean it was Steve Kloves who wrote the script.
Ron: -DAMN YOU, STEVE KLOVES!
Harry: But the director has final creative authority.
Ron: DAMN YOU, DAVID YATES!
Hermione: Yes but that hasn't stopped changes made by the writer, I mean you know how you felt that 'Half-Blood Prince' and 'Order Of The Phoenix' were directed by different directors despite having the same one? Well, they had different writers.
Harry: What? So, you mean, the real genius behind shortening the fifth while keeping all the main detail was actually Michael Goldenburg?
Hermione: Yes.
Ron: DAMN YOU, STEVE KLOVES!
Hermione: Then again, isn't it J.K. Rowling's fault that she made the book so long that they missed vital detail?
Ron: DAMN YOU, J.K. ROWLING!
Harry: I bet a different director could have done a better job!
Ron: DAMN YOU, DAVID YATES!
Hermione: That has yet to be proven, Harry.
Ron: DAMN YOU…
Harry: Something wrong, Ron?
Ron: (Hoarsely) I've lost my voice with all the damning!
Ron: You are a rubbish leader! You don't know where we're supposed to go! Not like-
Harry: Don't-
Ron: My-
Harry: Even-
Ron: Pre-
Harry: -Say it!
Ron: Ciousss.
Harry: THAT'S IT! TAKE OFF THE HORCRUX! YOU'RE OUT OF THIS PARODY!
Hermione: Harry, don't you think Dumbledore clearly meant you to work this out? The sword of Gryffindor, Godric's Hollow, Gryffindor's place of birth, where a trusted friend of Dumbledore's lives, so that you could find her and get the sword in order to destroy the horcruxes? Sound pretty obvious to me!
Harry: No offence Herm, but you're sounding like a fan who's desperately trying to see proof of his or her own theory in whatever book or tv series they're watching that aren't ther-
Hermione: I SAID WE'RE GOING TO GODRIC'S HOLLOW!
Harry: Yes mam.
(silence)
Harry: Sigh. I miss Ron's whipping noises. Wait, that didn't come out right... And by the way, who said that the sword was needed to destroy the horcruxes?
Hermione: -Don't you remember, Harry? Phineas Black told us that Dumbledore used the sword of Gryffindor to destroy the ring?
Harry: Wait, when was this? And who is Phineas Black?
Hermione: You know! Sirius' great-great-grandfather who's portrait was in his house that I later took down so that he couldn't-spy-on-us...Harry, you seriously don't remember?
Harry: No. The last thing I remember is kicking Ron out of our group, and before that us setting off for the other horcruxes, and before that getting the locket, although I don't actually remember getting the locket although I had it in my hand so we must have- (Notices Hermione's horrified look) What?
Hermione: No! The transdimensional space parasites that lived in your head, Harry! They're back!
Harry: The what now?
Hermione: You don't remember that either? You got them after eating this dodgy sandwich and they ate at your short term memory and served as a means to bring cohesion to the 'Goblet of Fire' parody without adding cohesion scenes-
Harry: Oh no I remember. I was just trying very hard to pretend that whole gag never happened. You know, like how in 'Futurama' they tried to pretend the career chips didn't exist?
Hermione: No! (Clutches her hair) That joke wasn't supposed to be used anymore! Harry, I thought you said you took care of that problem?
Harry: -Okay, when I went into my own body with an anti-matter ray-gun and wiped out the parasites, I MIGHT have spared the one little parasite. But it was so cute and innocent and it wasn't like it was going to grow up to become a dangerous threat! Although I really should have taken into account that the parasites may reproduce asexually.
Hermione: Harry, Voldemort's already taken over the Wizarding World, don't lose your mind too-
Harry: Wizarding Britain.
Hermione: -What?
Harry: He's taken over Wizarding BRITAIN, not the Wizarding WORLD.
Hermione: Same thing!
Harry: I'm glad Fleur wasn't around to hear you say that.
Hermione: Pfft, like anyone cares what the French think! Or everyone else in the world! Anyway, we can deal with your lack of short-term memory later. Let's go to Godric's Hollow, where Dumbledore has clearly given us clues leading to.
(Nagini emerges from Bathilda Bagshot's body)
Harry: So Herm, what were you saying about Dumbledore clearly giving clues that led to the sword of Gyrffindor-
Hermione: Shut-up.
Hermione: Harry, I don't want to increase your fears that Dumbledore wasn't who you thought he was, which is why I'm giving you this scandalous book on Dumbledore by Rita Skeeter.
Harry: How is THAT not fueling my fears about Dumbledore not being who I thought he was-?
Hermione: Check it out!
Book: DUMBLEDOOOOOOOOOORE'S MOOOOOOOOOOTHER HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD HEEEEEEEEEEEER SQUIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIB DAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGHTER-
Harry: Why is the book in all capital letters and drawn out words?
Hermione: Well you can't exactly speak at a normal level when falling down a bottomless pit, you know.
Ron: Harry, I'm so sorry that I was such a jerk earlier! Is it all right that I can re-enter the parody?
Harry: Sure. Just as long as you don't say 'my precioussss' ever again! I got enough of that from the "Inferi" I faced lasted instalment!
Riddle-Hermione: What makes you think that I would ever love you? Why would I settle for Robin, when I can have Batman? (She and Riddle-Harry kiss)
Ron: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Harry: And that is the closest the Harry/Hermione shippers will ever get satisfied.
Locket: I know your heart, Ronald Weasley. Always the least loved, always second best, always sixth on the Harry Potter cast list.
Ron: …What are you talking about?
Locket: Don't you know? Behold! (In the frames A4 sheets on a computer appear) In every Harry Potter Parody, unlike in the novel and film where you've held second importance, you're nothing but the sixth or fourth main character!
Ron: (Horrified at the vision) It's not true! It can't be true! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (Plunges sword at locket)
Locket: Ah. Perhaps torturing you into a rage was not the right approach. DAZZLING SPECTACULAR GAK!
Harry: -What on Earth was that Locket talking about? What cast list?
Commentator: Ah, that was an original idea Anonymius attempted to insert when first writing these parodies. Essentially the idea was that they would appear at the end of each chapter. We originally had the idea of them being separate from the individual chapters.
Harry: What happened?
Commentator: Turned out that lists weren't allowed on the website.
Harry: Neither are-
Harry: Ron, how could you even think that Hermione and me liked each other? We're like brother and sister, nothing more-
Ron: Oh please! If this was the novels, that would be believable! But in the films I've seen how close you two are! Besides, everyone knows that the hero and the heroine get together!
Harry: That's not true at all! What about 'Star Wars'?
Ron: I thought we were nothing like 'Star Wars'?
Harry: Okay then. But how about 'The Hunchback of Notre Dame'?
Ron: -Okay, fair point!
Hermione: YOU! HOW DARE YOU COME BACK HERE AFTER ABANDONING ME! I mean us! I mean I know you were under the influence of the horcrux, therefore you were not responsible for your own actions, but that doesn't stop me from hating you!
Harry: Man. So much for Hermione being all about rationality!
Ron: Oh Dumbledore! If you here I wouldn't have run off! We're all doomed! DOOMED I SAY!
Hermione: Hmph. Well, at least you've moved on to the third stage: fear.
Hermione: Harry, I think Dumbledore wanted us to find out about this symbol in this book he gave me!
Harry: Now Herm. Remember what we discussed about you getting carried away with theories that have no basis of fact.
Hermione: Okay, I admit that I was grasping at straws during that incident, but this time I know that Dumbledore tried to give us a secret message!
Harry: What makes you say that?
Hermione: Well, Dumbledore must have had a reason for giving me this book.
Harry: Okay fair point, but I'm still feeling angsty about Dumbledore so I'm going to let my feelings get in the way of-
Hermione: I SAID WE'RE GOING TO SEE XENOPHILIUS LOVEGOOD!
Harry: Yes Mam.
Ron: WHI-TCH, WHI-TCH, WHI-TCH.
Harry: Shut up, Ron, you're doing what she says as well!
Ron: Yeah, but I like getting whipped by Hermione! Wait, that didn't come out right...
Harry: Professor, could you tell us what this symbol represents?
Xenophilius: -Are you referring to the symbol of the Deathly Hallows?
Hermione: The Deathly Hallows?
Ron: Wait a minute. The Deathly Hallows. That sounds awfully familiar…GASP! THAT'S IN THE TITLE!
Harry: So let me get this straight. It's almost the end of the first movie and we're only NOW referring to the main thing in the title? Did the creators of 'Broken Sword: Angel of Death' direct this film or something?
Hermione: Well anyway, what exactly ARE the Deathly Hallows?
Xenophilius: Very few have heard of them. Even fewer believe in them. But it is a force that transcends all realities, all dimensions, and if focused, could have had the power to bring Angel-(Considers this) no wait. That's the First Evil. Let me try to explain this properly by reading you a children's fairy tale. (Opens book)
Hermione: Wait! I'm supposed to tell the-
Xenophilius: "Once upon a time, there were three brothers who were subjects of a book that was adapted into a play. However, the playwright made numerous changes to the book, including omitting the three brothers' death. Outraged at being cheated, Death pretended to congratulate the three brothers by granting them three wishes (as was his custom at the time to deal with those who cheated death. He had yet to purchase a Dahaka and technology wasn't advanced enough to give people gruesome and often horrible deaths). And since this was before 'Wishmaster' was ever made, they saw no harm in trusting the Grim Reaper. The eldest brother, a proud man, wanted to be able to defeat anyone in combat…so he asked for Death's scythe to use as a weapon. But Death wasn't going to part with his beloved scythe and trademark item so he gave the brother an unbeatable wand instead. The brother in the middle, an arrogant sod who thought he was cleverer than any man alive, wanted to humiliate Death even further by bringing those he'd taken back from the dead…so he asked for his entire supply of used hourglasses. But Death was busy using those hourglasses to hold scotch, so he gave him a resurrection stone instead. The third brother, the youngest but wisest of the three brothers, did not trust Death, and asked for something that could make him completely invisible to anyone, including Death…so he asked for his granddaughter Susan's hand in marriage, but Death wasn't going to let there be a breach between franchises, what with all of the parallels fans made between Harry Potter and Ponder Stibbons so he gave him an invisibility cloak instead." (Slams the book shut)
Harry: Wait, what was that last bit?
Xenophilius: And the moral of the story is: 'you never get what you ask for'.
Harry: That doesn't really answer my question.
Xenophilius: It's not supposed to.
Xenophilius: But seriously now, these three items- the wand, the stone, the cloak- the Deathly Hallows, are magical objects that few people believe in, and some of the believers quest for these ancient objects wrapped in mystery and fairy tales and clues.
Harry: This sounds vaguely familiar…
Xenophilius: And some even believe that the Hallows are guarded by a secret order that includes the last living descendants of the Hallows, hunted down by the existing wizarding establishment.
Harry: I rest my case.
Hermione: Pfft! The Deathly Hallows! What a ridiculous idea! Anyone who actually believes in them is stupid!
Xenophilius: I'm still here, you know.
Hermione: I'm an arrogant secularist, what do I care if I break your spirit by destroying your most cherished beliefs?
Ron: But Hermione! What if the Deathly Hallows are not what they are literally? What if they're a metaphor for something so shocking that it could rock the foundations of wizarding belief?
Hermione: That is also unlikely. What kind of metaphor do you have in mind?
Ron: I don't know! Maybe the Hallows reveal that Merlin had a child, which disproves he was supernatural and that he was nothing more than an ordinary man, which contradicts one of the core doctrines that the Ministry teaches. Plus its guardian are the Rathacs.
Hermione: YOU IDIOT, THE MINISTRY HAS NEVER TAUGHT THAT! I mean, if they really thought that human actions would disprove Merlin's supernaturalness, they wouldn't have him eating or even dying, would they?
Ron: …Oh. Well…
Hermione: If anything, it's the Rathacs who say he couldn't die or eat or have s-
Harry: Lovegood! You've betrayed us to the Death Eaters! Was that meal you gave us nothing but a Judas tea?
Xenophilius: I'm sorry! But they've got my daughter, I have no choice!
Harry: (Gasp) You mean they took your daughter two months ago?
Xenophilius: Two months? She's bee missing for eighteen! Then two months ago I got an owl telling me that the death eaters had her all this time!
Hermione: (Eyes shift from left to right) Yes…(Backs away a little) it was the Death Eaters…
Ron: I can't believe that the Death Eaters have Luna!
Hermione: OF COURSE THEY DO! WHO ELSE HAD ANYTHING AGAINST LUNA, apart from me, who was absolutely terrified of the dice wearing, tabloid reading, cryptid believing anti-Hermione? BUT I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH HER DISAPPEARANCE, I SWEAR!
Ron: Take it easy, Hermione! No one believes that you had anything to do with it-
Hermione: WELL THAT'S GOOD BECAUSE I DIDN'T! I DIDN'T TRICK HER INTO GOING INTO THE TAVERN THAT LEADS TO THE BOTTOMLESS PIT OF DISCARDED HARRY POTTER CHARACTERS! IT WASN'T ME!
Ron: Hermione, have you been using the time turner again?
Harry: It would certainly explain how she's dumbed down in this film.
Hermione: -What's that supposed to mean?
Harry: Oh come on, Hermione! First you think that me having a connection to Voldemort is bad even though the only reason why I was trying to learn Occlumency in the first place was to stop him from possessing me and he's not going to do that, now knowing what it's like to share my soul. Then it doesn't occur to you that even though Voldemort didn't have time to find a horcrux at Hogwarts he definitely had time to leave one. And now you've been lecturing about how a wand is no stronger than the user when Ollivander clearly said at the beginning that one wand works better than the rest, which clearly contradicts what you've been lecturing-OW!
Hermione: That felt good.
Ron: Not good. Brilliant.
Hermione: What a waste of time! The Deathly Hallows! I mean A Resurrection Stone! Everyone knows that no spell can bring back the dead!
Ron: Oh really? What about the ghosts that Harry saw when the priori incantem occurred in 'Goblet Of Fire'?
Hermione: Those won't ghosts! Those were just cheap, pale imitation of the real thing!
Ron: Hmmm…so basically what the films are of the books, then?
Harry: It didn't really bring people back from the dead, though, did it? It just brought their spirits back.
Hermione: Yes, but remember what happened in 'The Tale of the Three Brothers', how the brother in the middle brought back the woman he loved but she was all mopey, complaining that this world was hard and violent and hellish, and singing about walking through the fire.
Ron: What if I gave something to the crew or JK Rowling, in return for Dumbledore? Will you people then bring him back? I'll give anything! My owl, my home, my grades, my family, ANYTHING!
Hermione: And now the fourth stage: Bargaining.
Harry: My invisibility cloak is the third Deathly Hallow! (Gasp) I'm Ignotus' Peverell's descendant!
Ron: …So, does that make you Sophie Neveu?
Hermione: Harry, if these hallows really make the holder master of death, then why didn't Dumbledore tell you about them?
Harry: It's like you said, Hermione, it's a quest! You've got to work it out for yourself!
Hermione: Um, WHY exactly?
Harry: -I don't know.
Ron: Maybe it's because only the person who works out what the symbol means makes you worthy of the hallows?
Hermione: Ron, by that logic you might as well say Lovegood is worthy of the hallows, or anyone who knows about the hallows symbol!
Ron: -Oh. Well...
Commentator: Oh for goodness sake, isn't it obvious why he didn't tell you about the hallows?
Harry: Not really.
Commentator: (Sigh) Then let me ask you this: What tends to happen to those who have the wand and the stone?
Golden Trio: -Well, um, they, um, die?
Commentator: Exactly! Do you really think that Dumbledore is going to tell you out straight about two objects whose wielders have a low life expectancy? Especially the stone. I mean if you had the stone Harry you'd probably spend all your time with the dead and eventually kill yourself, wouldn't you?
Harry: Well, I'm not too sure about the killing myself-
Commentator: Do you really think that Dumbledore trusts you with the knowledge, especially how you have a tendency to jump before you look?
Harry: -I do not jump before I look!
Commentator: Cough, Sirius, cough, Fleur's sister, cough, Ginny Weasley. Sorry. Had a bit of a cough spasm going there.
Harry: Well anyway, I get it now! Don't you see? Voldemort is after the Elder Wand!
Hermione: Harry, although that makes complete sense, I'm gonna have to disagree with you.
Ron: HARRY, NO! The name's jinxed, remember?
Harry: What are you talking about?
Ron: Remember, I told you that saying Yoonohoo's name is jinxed?
Harry: No.
Hermione: Ignore him, Ron. He's been suffering from short term amnesia again.
Harry: Anyway if that's true then why did nothing happened when I mentioned Voldemort earlier?
Commentator: Oh, continuity error.
Snatchers: Freeze, rebel scum!
Golden Trio: Oh no! We're surrounded!
What will become of the golden trio? Will Voldemort get his hands on the Elder Wand? Is there anyone here in the audience who hasn't already read the book? Find out: NOW!
Harry: Dobby!
Ron: Dobby? WAIT A MINUTE, YOU'RE REAL? BUT I THOUGHT YOU WERE A-oh.
Harry: What do you mean you didn't think he was real?
Ron: Well to be honest with you mate, it's not like anyone but you ever saw Dobby and he only ever appeared when it looked like you were being troublesome so-
Harry: YOU THOUGHT HE WAS A FIGMENT OF MY IMAGINATION?
Ron: No, no, of course not mate! That would mean that I thought you were mental. I only thought he was your imaginary friend.
Harry: Okay, so now I'm guessing we've escaped successfully! Apart from Dobby, who is dying.
Dobby: Harry…Potter…. GAK!
Harry: DOBBYYYYYYYYYY!
Commentator: Great. Now we'll never know if he was the Potters' elf!
Harry: Anyone want to say anything?
Ron: I do. Is it possible to bury an imaginary friend?
Hermione: I guess so. I mean, they have foster homes, I'm sure they have graves as well!
Harry: Look, he's not imaginary, okay? You just saw him a while ago!
Hermione: (sees Luna) No! NO! Thou canst say I did it! Never shake thy dice-earrings at me! Ridikulus! RIDIKULUS!
Luna: (frowning) My dice-earrings are not ridiculous.
Hermione: LUNA? Is it really you? But I thought you were in the Bottomless Pit of-er, I mean, Azkaban!
Luna: Is that what it's called? The Bottomless Pit of Azkaban? I thought that was a wizard's prison!
Hermione: Er, Luna, I can explain!
Ron: DUMBLEDORE IS ALIVE! HE'S BEEN HELPING US BEHIND THE SCENES!
Hermione: And now you've gone back to the first stage of grief: Denial. It's a shame. You were doing so well.
Ron: I am not in denial! The mirror, the doe, its all proof that Dumbledore's alive!
Commentator: -How does the doe in any way prove that Dumbledore's alive?
Harry: Hehe. I find it so amusing how your discussions on whether people are really dead or not reflect the real-life debates between fans!
Hermione: Ron, Dumbledore is dead! End of story!
Ron: How can you be so sure?
Hermione: Because JK Rowling said so!
Ron: Oh, and I suppose what JK Rowling states is law, is it?
Hermione: YES YOU MORON, SHE'S THE AUTHOR! What she states IS law!
Ron: Oh really? If that's true, then how are Harry and Voldemort related?
Hermione: …I don't quite follow.
Ron: Well, she stated with certainty that Voldemort and Harry are not related; yet they both turn out to be descended from the Peverells!
Hermione: …Yes, but strangely enough, I don't think 'HARRY, I AM YOUR DISTANT COUSIN SEVERAL TIMES REMOVED' has the same ring to it as 'I AM YOUR FATHER'.
Harry: What the? Where are we now?
Hermione: We're in the Room of Requirement, Harry!
Harry: And what's going on? What are we doing here? How did we get here?
Hermione: We're here looking for the second last horcrux, Harry.
Harry: -Oh really? But I thought there was no way Voldemort was going to leave a horcrux at Hogwarts, that Dumbledore would have found a horcrux, and that he didn't have enough time to find a horcrux. Boy it was sure nice to know that we had been wandering aimlessly throughout the country for months with no clue where to find the next horcrux when I knew exactly where we were to go next-
Hermione: Yes all right, I was wrong, okay? I was wrong about the connection between you and Voldemort, I was wrong about the horcrux not being at Hogwarts, I was wrong about Godric's Hollow, I was wrong about the Deathly Hallows, I was wrong about a wand only being as powerful as the wizard and I was wrong about Voldemort not wanting the Elder Wand, LEAVE ME ALONE!
Harry: Hey, it's my old girlfriend, Cho!
Hermione: Harry, the entire time she was free you share one kiss and one failed date and you consider her your ex-girlfriend? Good grief, your relationship really was parallel to Clark and Lana's! Pre-season five, that is.
Harry: But what's she doing here- hey, what? Where am I now?
McGonagall: We must protect the castle! Tregunem, Tregoi, Tregorum Satis Dee!
(The armour starts to move)
McGonagall: Yes. I ripped that off from 'Bed Knobs and Broomsticks'. So sue me!
Lawyer: With pleasure!
McGonagall: Then you pay the ultimate price.
(Turns the Lawyer into a toad)
Everyone: HOORAY!
Sprout: These plants should make mince meat out of those death eaters-
Harry: Wh-what? Professor Sprout, you're back! But I thought you left Hogwarts never to return?
Sprout: Whatever gave you that idea? Next you'll be telling me that Madam Pomfrey left as well!
Harry: -Madam Pomfrey…Okay, seriously, could somebody please tell me what I'm doing?
Commentator: Finding the Grey Lady so that she can tell you the location of the Hogwarts Horcrux.
Harry: Thanks, Com!
Harry: Wow. It's odd to see all these ghosts here. I thought they got exorcised years ago or something. Hey Sir Nicholas-
Nearly Headless Nick: No.
Harry: -I'm sorry?
Nearly Headless Nick: I said no. I get cut out of the four previous movies, along with my precious screen time, and now you expect me to help you, and pretend that my absence never occurred? Who do you think I am, Pete Ross? Well you can forget it! I refuse to help you! If you think I'm WAIT COMEBACK! All right, I'll tell you. You want to know where the Grey Lady is, right?
Harry: What? Oh I already know that! I just thought of saying hi to you. You know because you're my friend that I've known for the past seven years (Runs off with Nick gaping after him)
Nearly Headless Nick: I'M PLAYED BY JOHN FRIGGIN CLEESE, I DON'T DESERVE THIS UNDER USE!
Harry: I GET IT NOW! VOLDEMORT LEFT THE HORCRUX HERE WHEN HE ASKED DUMBLEDORE FOR A JOB!
Commentator: YOU ONLY JUST REALISED THAT?
Harry: Wait, what, you did?
Commentator: Harry, everyone did after reading the previous book! I mean were the other horcruxes left where he found them?
Harry: -Well...the ring was! Kinda.
Harry: Quickly! The diadem is in here!
(Ron Moans)
Harry: Why so glum, chum?
Ron: It's just that…what's the point in fighting if you don't get the girl in the end? I mean Hermione kisses me because I expressed compassion to the house-elves, yes that side of her has never been mentioned in the films! (Sob) If only Dumbledore was still alive. He would know what to do.
(Hermione throws the basilisk fangs aside)
Hermione: You've reached the final stage, Ron! Acceptance! I knew you could do it! (Throws herself around Ron)
Ron: Mmph!
Harry: Draco Malfoy, my arch-rival, along with Crabbe and Goyle-WAIT A MINUTE! THAT'S NOT CRABBE!
Ron: Who's Crabbe?
Harry: Who's-you know! One of Draco's 'friends' hung around with him and Goyle for the past seven years, made up the Anti-Golden Trio?
Ron: Harry, what are you talking about?
Hermione: Yeah! It's always been Draco, Goyle and Random Slytherin Thug. I think those parasites have affected your memory worse than we thought.
Harry: For the last time, they make me forget things, not remember them in a certain other way! I think someone who studied memory charms would understand that difference, even though I'm not entirely sure how erasing memories can be harder than creating new ones. And how many Random Slytherin Thugs do you have?
Draco: That's not important Harry. Let us commence the greatest showdown ever produced on
Harry: The greatest showdown ever produced on what? What did a 'Heroes' writer or director direct this film or something, or are my parasites getting worse? (Sees that he's alone in the Headmaster's office, with Dumbledore and Snape) Oh I think my parasites are getting worse. COULD SOMEBODY EXPLAIN TO ME WHY DUMBLEDORE IS HERE WHEN HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD? Wait, could Ron have been right?
Commentator: No you're in the Pensieve.
Harry: Oh.
Dumbledore: Oh and Severus, if Voldemort becomes protective of his snake, tell Harry that he is a horcrux.
Harry: -Wha?
Audience: GASP!
Commentator: HARRY IS A HORCRUX? WHAT A SHOCKING TWIST! Well, actually no, I guess it's not that shocking. I kinda feared that was the case.
Harry: What? How could you have known?
Commentator: Well, it's just when learning about horcruxes I remembered how Dumbledore said Voldemort accidentally lost a bit of himself in you.
(Harry is spat out of the Pensieve)
Harry: (gasp) I'M A HORCRUX! My greatest fear has been realised! Oh it feels like my heart is playing the Funeral March!
Commentator: Oh that's actually a record player playing the Funeral arch. Sorry about that.
Harry: Oh well. It's not too bad I guess. There's a good few horcruxes left before I have to kill myself!
Commentator: Um, yeah, about that.
Harry: What?
Commentator: Well, apart from you, all but one horcrux is destroyed.
Harry: What? When did this happen?
Commentator: Well one horcrux was destroyed during your encounter with Draco Malfoy and Hermione destroyed another before you went in the Room of Requirement.
Harry: Oh.
Harry: Right. Okay then, all right then, all I need to do is go to Voldemort to my death. Yeah. It's as simple as that.
Commentator: That's the spirit.
Harry: I CAN'T DO IT!
(Tries to run back to the castle. Commentator and Professor stop him)
Commentator: Now now, Harry, calm down.
Harry: Calm down? How can I be calm? I'm off to my death, and you're assisting in it! You're assisting in murder!
Voldemort: HARRY POTTER…
Harry: GULP.
(A Death Eater blows a trumpet)
Voldemort: Where did he get that trumpet?
Bellatrix: (Shrugs) I o know.
Voldemort: SO NOW, HARRY POTTER, ANY LAST WORDS BEFORE I KILL YOU? And should I find it suspicious that you're not preparing to defend yourself?
Harry: Not even a little to both questions.
Voldemort: In that case…EXTERMINATE! EXTERMIN-
Harry: Okay, hold it, I do have one request. I am about to die. Could you PLEASE drop the stupid Dalek impression? It's not funny. It was never funny!
Voldemort: Oh very well. EXTERMINATE!
Harry: But you said- GAK!
Voldemort: I'm evil, do you reall expect me to stand by my promises? I mean, ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!
Harry: Oh boy. It's Equus all over again. So this is how it feels to be the resurrected Gan-
Dumbledore: Don't even THINK about finishing that wizard's name!
Harry: Wait, that grumpy voice sounds familiar…Gasp! Dumbledore? But you're dead!
Dumbledore: And they said I couldn't come back from the dead! IN YOU FACE, XAVIER!
Harry: But, you're not back from the dead! You're still dead!
Dumbledore: Look, this is the closest I can come to be back from the dead. Think of me as Obi-Wan.
Harry: Obi-Wan went even further.
Dumbledore: Obi-Wan from the books, then!
Harry: Well, it looks like I've got to attach a pair of wings and get a halo. Hey, is it still compulsory to play a harp?
Dumbledore: Postpone your harp learning lessons, Harry. You're not dead yet.
Harry: I'm-what?
Commentators: What?
Harry Potter Fans: WHAAAAAAAAAAAT?
Dumbledore: (Chuckles) Oh yes! Didn't you know? When Voldemort took your blood to build himself a new body, the trans-dimensional space parasites in your blood stream made his body completely forget that it ever got around your mother's protection! Of course, I can't say the parasites themselves were as lucky. The killing curse obliterated every one of them. You're mind is now holeless, and completely your own, Harry.
Harry: …WOOHOO! Eating dodgy toilet sandwiches are good for you after all!
Harry Potter Fans: Oh my God! She didn't kill off Harry! You bitch!
Commentator: Oi! Leave her alone! It's her choice whether to kill off her characters or not! Oh, and another thing,-
Professor: SIR, NO! Anonymius has forbidden you to make fun of the fans in fear of offending them.
Commentator: -WHAT? For months, maybe even years, I had to endure fans saying 'Harry Potter is going to die! It's obvious that he's going to die! It's the only way for J.K. Rowling to end the series, nenenenene! Just because the prophecy stated one must survive it doesn't necessarily mean that! Us thinking him dying has nothing to do with us thinking he's an arrogant git who should die!' Now here you have them being proven wrong, and I don't even get to gloat? Can I at least do my victory dance?
Professor: I don't see why not. Wait, what?
(The Commentator takes out a pair of guiro and dances to 'Can't touch this'!)
Professor: Sir, stop!
(The Commentator does so)
Professor: Sir, don't ever do that again!
Commentator: Relax, Prof! It's not like I'm usually right!
Dumbledore: However- (Commentator and Harry Potter Fans freeze and fix their eyes on Dumbledore) It is possible for you to move on to the afterlife, if you don't want to return to the living.
Commentator: You're giving him the choice? Anonymius would never give a hero between worlds the choice! He would have apparitions of all his love ones try to convince him to return ot the world of the living because he's still ne-
Dumbledore: Oh you just don't want to be proven wrong have Harry Potter die!
Commetnator: (Smiles) I assure you that is just a happy coincidence!
Harry: All right then! I choose- to move on!
Dumbledore: -Wha?
Commentator: See, this is what happens when you give people 'the choice'! Oh sure people think 'the choice' is all brilliant, but that's only the case when they choose rightly!
Harry: You said that I could choose.
Dumbledore Yes. But you're suppose to choose 'to return'.
Harry: But I have a choice! Doesn't that mean I have the free-will to decide?
Dumbledore: Yes.
Harry: So I choose 'to move on'!
Dumbledore: But you're supposed to choose 'to return.'
Harry: But isn't the choice free of any moral consequence and is right in itself?
Dumbledore: Well, theoretically, but you're supposed to choose-
Harry Potter Fans: Oh leave him alone! It's his choice! It doesn't matter what the consequence of a choice is, the choice is right in it-
Dumbledore: AND YOU LOT JUST DON'T WANT TO BE PROVEN WRONG ABOUT HIM DYING!
Harry Potter Fans: Well we did go through all the trouble of preparing his funeral.
Harry: WHAT? There is no way I'm letting those backstabbing conspirators be proven right! I'm going back!
Commetnator: YAHOO!
Harry Potter Fans: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Professor: I don't know what I find more shocking. That Harry Potter didn't die or that one of your crackpot theories turned out to be accurate!
Commentator: And which one was that?
Professor: (sigh) That Harry potter would go through a resurrection.
Commentator: (smiling) Don't forget I was also right about there being danger at Godric's Hollow with no reward and that Snape loved Lily.
Professor: Well that latter one was shared by many fans and not started by you, and that first one relied on other people's theories as well.
Commentator: You do remember what you said if any of my 'crackpot theories' turned out to be accurate, don't you?
Professor: Oh no! You're not serious-
Commentator: do it!
(Professor sighs, picks something off the ground that turns out to be a cat, and raises it to his mouth)
Professor: This is wrong in ways the readers don't even know about!
Narrator From Monty Python And The Holy Grail: And so the Dark Lord's mortal enemy was dead, and there was much rejoicing.
Death Eaters: Yay! Yay!
Commentator: Oi! Narrator from Monty Python And The Holy Grail! This is my commentating sphere! Go find your own!
Narrator from Monty Python and the Holy Grail: I don't want to. Besides, you hog all of the commentaries.
Commentator: I fail to see how that's my problem. Now get out of here, or face the wrath of-hey, Professor! What are those blue tablets you're swallowing?
Professor: (gulps) Erm, medication?
Commentator: Medication? You don't need medication! You're the healthiest nerd I know!
Professor: Will you stop calling me a nerd?
Commentator: Of course! When Ron stops calling Malfoy an underused character.
Voldemort: DEATH EATERS! LET US SING AS WE PARADE TO HOGWARTS!
Deatheaters: Oh the grand old Duke of York-he had ten thousand men-he marched them up to the top of the hill and he marched them down again-and when they were up they were up-and when they were down they were down-and when they were only halfway up they were neither up or down!
Voldemort: That wasn't exactly the song I had in mind.
Voldemort: AND NOW: FOR THE MOST EMOTIONAL AND HEART BREAKING MOMENT OF THE FILM.
Ron: Harry! NOOOOOOOOOO!
Hermione: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Ginny: (Takes a deep breath) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Voldemort: Well that was rather cheesy! That was worse than that Darth Vader scene when he finds out his wife is dead!
Darth Vader: NOOOOOOO-
Voldemort: Oh it was Darth, and you know it!
Ron: Sorry. To be honest we're not that shocked.
Hermione: Yeah. It was pretty obvious that Harry Potter was going to die.
(Harry's eyes snap open)
Harry: Obvious my-
Commentator: (Hits Harry over the head with his staff and whispers) Quiet, you!
Voldemort: …Did that corpse just speak?
Commentator: Errr…of course it did! What else is it suppose to do?
(Everyone is silent)
Voldemort: WHAT?
Commentator: (Rests on staff) Why, don't you know? Inanimate objects in these sort of parodies talk all the time!
Voldemort: That's a load of-
Elder Wand: No, it's true. We can speak when it's appropriate.
Voldemort: I didn't know you could talk!
Elder Wand: You never asked.
Hogwarts Castle: Why, the number of tales I could tell you about my long life-
Voldemort: Please don't.
Hogwarts Castle: Aw.
Cedric Diggory's Skeleton: Even us dead people are still able to-
Voldemort: I'm sorry, but who are you?
Cedric Diggory's Skeleton: Who am…I'M CEDRIC DIGGORY! YOU HAD ME KILLED IN THE GRAVEYARD AT YOUR REBIRTH!
Voldemort: Sorry, but I don't remember you. And to be fair I did recently suffer from an infection of trans-dimensional, amnesiac space parasites.
(Cedric Diggory's skeleton rolls)
McGonagall: Oh, so THAT'S where we put his body!
Voldemort: THERE SHALL BE NO MORE SORTING. MY ANCESTOR SALAZAR SLYTHERIN SHALL BE GOOD ENOUGH FOR ALL STUDENTS.
Sorting Hat: You can't induct students without sorting them. There would be too many in the classroom! Although the films somehow manage-
Voldemort: Oh and another thing. I shall outlaw any inanimate object that isn't supposed to speak from speaking. The penalty: DEATH BY BURNING!
Sorting Hat: Eep! But I'm not an inanimate object! I can speak of my own accord!
Voldemort: A likely story. Hey, what's that charging towards us?
Bellatrix: You mean the giant?
Voldemort: No.
Bellatrix: Oh you mean the herd of centaurs coming towards us?
Voldemort: No.
Bellatrix: You mean the flock of thestrals led by a hippogriff?
Voldemort: No.
Bellatrix: You mean the dragon that has arrived here for some reason?
Voldemort: No. I meant the crowd charging at us.
Bellatrix: What, the House-Elves?
Voldemort: No, the wizards and witches.
Voldemort: What the-? NO! IT CAN'T BE! Y-Y-YOU'RE SUPPOSE TO BE DEAD!
Harry: I may be dead. But I'm still pretty, which is more than what I can say for you.
Everyone: OOOOOOOOOO!
Ron: He burned you good!
Voldemort: But you're supposed to die! It seemed so likely-
Harry: As likely as a button on some remote island not being capable of saving the world? In all your expectations of me winding up dead you forgot one simple fact.
Voldemort: What's that?
Harry: In 'Harry Potter' there is always a twist!
Voldemort: Well this is the last time I listen to a bunch of people who predict exactly what they want to happen…
Voldemort: SO NOW, HARRY POTTER, SHALL WE INITIATE THE GREATEST MAGICAL BATTLE THIS DECADE HAS EVER SEEN?
Harry: Nah. Let's circle each other and have a battle of words instead.
Voldemort: HAH! FOOL! THAT MAY BE ADEQUATE FOR A 607-PAGE NOVEL, BUT THIS IS HOLLYWOOD, MAN! HOLLYWOOD RULES DEMAND THAT THE HERO AND VILLAIN HAVE A GREAT AND EXPENSIVE CLIMATIC BATTLE, ESPECIALLY IF THE SERIES HAS GONE ON FOR A DECADE!
Harry: But- we can't have a climatic battle! It wouldn't make any sense!
Voldemort: OH LIKE THAT'S EVER STOPPED THE DIRECTORS BEFORE-wait, what do you mean it won't make sense?
Harry: Well, that wand won't work on me. You see, you think that ownership passed from Dumbledore to Snape when Snape killed him, but it in fact passed to Malfoy when he disarmed Dumbledore, then ownership passed to me when I overpowered Malfoy weeks ago!
Elder Wand: Eh?
Voldemort: …THAT'S AS RIDICULOUS AS THE SORTING HAT SPEAKING OF IT'S OWN ACCORD! I'll prove it! AVADA KEDAVRA! ('We are the champions' starts playing. The Elder Wand flies out of Voldemort's hand) ET TU, ELDER WAND?
Elder Wand: I'm sorry. But I will not serve a master who would deny me the right to speak!
(Curse rebounds on Voldemort)
Voldemort: Oh fudge, the boy was right. DAZZLING SPECTACULAR GAK!
Ron: Does the killing curse usually make people explode like that?
Hermione: Not usually. Hollywood rules demand that the villain has a fiery send-off, particularly if he's been around for quite a while.
Harry: I just can't believe some of his last words were 'oh fudge'!
Narrator from Monty Python and the Holy Grail: And so the evil dark lord was finally defeated, and there was much rejoicing.
Everyone: Yay! Yay!
Commentator: THAT'S IT! YOU WERE WARNED NARRATOR FROM MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL! FEEL MY SHOCKING WRATH!
Professor: Shocking. Just how do you go about hurting a disembodied voice?
Commentator: I don't know but I'm willing to find out!
Professor: Well you do that. In the meantime, I need the toilet. (Flees)
('We are the Champions' end, to be replace with the music in the second final scene of 'Flash Gordon')
McGonagall: We cannot thank you enough Harry Potter, for freeing the people and defeating the dark lord and his dreaded super-weapon.
Harry: Great! Er, do I get a medal or something?
McGonagall: What do you think this is, Star Wars?
Harry: Reparo.
Reparo: 'Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to work I go…'
Harry's wand: Kag!
Commentator: It's not a character coming back from the dead, but it'll do.
Ron: Are you sure you want to give up the Elder Wand?
Harry: I'm sure. That wand's more trouble than it's worth. Besides, it won't shut up about it previous owners.
Elder Wand: And after Antioch Peverell I was owned by Egbert the Egregious, and after Egbert the Egregious I was owned by Emeric the Evil. And after him I was owned by Godelot…
It's not the end just yet! I still have the epilogue to do, which should come up tomorrow.