I do not own 'Harry Potter' or anything related.
Also, imagine this epilogue being played to the music played at the end of 'Yu-Gi-Oh' the abridged movie.
Harry Potter: Nineteen years later and Harry still looks only twenty one. The CGaging isn't fooling anyone.
Commentator: The Commentator continues to enter unexpectedly other abridged spoofs of pop culture material and irritating the inhabitants til they go insane. He was last seeing fleeing for his life from a hoard of enraged murderous smurfs.
Hermione: Hermione made up for all her cut out time of helping House-Elves by dedicating her life to campaigning against the filmmakers for their under use of House-Elves.
Ron: After finally becoming the second most important character out of 'Harry Potter', Ron married the girl of his dreams…Fleur Delacour, after she divorced his brother Bill and his remaining brothers.
Dumbledore: Even after being confirmed dead with certainty, the 'Dumbledore is not dead!' lobby, founded by Ronald Weasley, still refuses to believe that he's really dead. Their current theory is that he has been reborn has Harry's second son, given that his name is Albus and that he was so commonly associated with the phoenix, a bird that died to start life again.
Severus Snape: Severus Snape is gone but not forgotten. His former abuse-throwing bag Harry Potter campaigns for the addition of his portrait, and he even named gave his youngest son Albus the middle name of 'Severus.' I think I speak for all when I say 'what the heck was he thinking?'
Voldemort: Voldemort complained to the director how after his defeat he wasn't even left a body, which didn't even happen in the book. He was last seen being motioned into a tavern…
Hagrid: Hagrid married the love of his life, Olympe maxime, and had twelve children with her.
NOT!
McGonagall: McGonagall left Hogwarts, stating that she was 'getting on'. When the reporter pointed out that there were teachers who were far older than her, she transfigured him into a toad. And you thought it was just a saying…
The Dursleys: After returning home The Dursleys got hit by a giant strawberry while driving back home after being in witness protection. They made a fortune out of it.
Arthur Weasley: Arthur became teacher of Muggle Studies at Hogwarts. How he got that post when he's hopeless with muggle money is beyond me.
Neville Longbottom: Neville became teacher of Herbology at Hogwarts, and currently lives with Hannah Abott at the leakey cauldron. He remains the only Hogwarts teacher known to live outside the school (Apart from Snape)
Wormtongue: Wormtail died after stabbing his master and being shot by Legolas.
Waiiiiiiiit…
Umbridge: After being undersecretary to the director, Umbridge is trying to have a hand at directing herself. She is currently trying to direct the next Narnia film.
Super Hermione: Super Hermione continues to save the world with her deductive and circus skills and ability to poorly imitate non-human sounds. Her arch foe is Dr Lovegood.
Fred and George: Fred was unfortunately killed during the battle of Hogwarts. George's brother Ron helped him with the jokeshop when he should have gone back to school.
Professor: The Professor set up a club for right hand men. Lucius Malfoy joined this club.
Sammy the Slug: Sammy set up a club for lackeys. Wormtail joined this club.
Itallic Narrator Guy: The Itallic Narrator Guy set up a club for narrators. The Narrator from Monty Python and the Holy Grail joined this club. And there was much rejoicing.
Barty Crouch Jr: Barty defeated Yaxley, and is rumoured to have fled to Mars. Yaxley vowed revenge.
Kreacher: Kreacher was over joyed to regain the precious locket he lost. Sadly though, he fell into a volcano.
The Lawyer: Although now a frog, the Lawyer still manages to have adapt to the life of a frog. He spends most of his time flagging youtube videos.
Phlox: After the Enterprise was decommissioned, Phlox started an independent business as a criminal genius. He specialises in causing havoc by creating love pairs.
The Sorting Hat: The Sorting Hat no longer sorts people in Slytherin according to blood status. Almost being burtn alive by a blood fanatic will do that to ya.
Madam Hooch: Madam Hooch now wears sunglases to cover her eyes. The last person to ask her why wer eyes looked owl like got turn into a frog.
Cedric Diggory: Cedric's skeleton is still forgotten. It has continued to roll ever since. Phew! Avoided a 'Twilight' reference!
Director: The director was sued by the house elves, ghosts, Dursleys and invisibility cloak for being underused. The decision was cheered by fans world wide.
Seamus Finnegan : Later set up a bomb business. He is often frustrated at this irony.
Lilah Morgan: Lilah Morgan became Personal Secretary to the Senior Partners. The Psychic became her assistant.
Gandalf: Gandalf surived being hit by Sirius Black-only to be bombarded by falling Persians.
Clock: The Clock was fired when it was decided it wasn't needed anymore. He was later recruited by the mysterious Bios and became Cyber-Clockwork.
Grim: The Grim drifted towards America. He currently hangs around with Mufasa, Darth Vader and James Earl Jones.
Quirrell: Quirrell is currently in Hell. He is in the mouth of the Devil right next to Judas Iscariot.
Porter: The Porter at King's Cross eventually quit. He got tired of people asking him about 9 ¾.
Dragon: The Dragon is still lying in a casm. No one ever rescued her, and it looks like no one will in the future.
Homora: After being continually asked to open doors, Homora eventually got fed up with it. Now you need to call her brother Sesime.
Death Eater: The Death Eater who questioned Wormtail was later exiled. He was among those who arrived to fight the Death Eaters at the Battle of Hogwarts.
Nagini: Nagini's body was left where it was, and nobody cared about it. She is currently Cedric Diggory's grave mate.
Frank Bryce: Frank Bryce is still dead. Yeah, nothing really to add here.
And the Gravestone still doesn't get any visitors.
Crabbe and Trelawney were erased from existence after falling through a crack in time and space. Crabbe currently plays poker with Zack from 'Heroes'.
Goyle: With Crabbe erased from existence, Goyle got killed off in his place. Why the personification of a force of nature didn't emerge to set fate right is beyond me.
It is uncertain whether characters like Lavender Brown and Dean Thomas survived the battle of Hogwarts. It's sure to be revealed in the encyclopedia that will never come out!
Rita Skeeter, Professor Sinestra, Professor Binns and others still reside in the Bottomless Pit of Discarded Harry Potter Characters. However they have made lives there.
Amelia Bones, Igor Kakaroff and Colin Creevy all managed to cheat death by having it never mentioned in the films. Death congratulated them by giving them a lie detector, an unbeatable wand and a camera with unending film…
Death: Hold the epilogue! I thought it was stated that I no longer carried out that 'custom?'
Yes, but despite the swearing, the throat-cutting, the suicide and other large amounts of gore in this film, it doesn't qualify as either a fifteen or an 18.
Death: Oh come on, just one little decapitation? He won't feel a thing, I swear-
No! Bad Death! No decapitation!
Death: You never let me get my way, do you?
Professor: No.
Remus Lupin and Nymphadora Tonks also escaped their destruction when I had sent them to the bottomless pit of discarded Harry Potter. Although not before I gave them a talisman to protect them from the phantoms of course...
The dark lords hosted a school reunion, where Voldemort won an award for his impersonation of a dalek.
Nearly Headless Nick and the Hogwarts ghosts later left the school to become a wandering band of performers. They are a world wide hit.
Slytherins are no longer the pure blood bastion they once were. However, people still think that not a single wizard who went bad didn't come from Slytherin!
Outraged at how JK Rowling ended the series, Harry Potter Fans decided to right their own endings to the books. 99% of these include Harry Potter dying.
Characters like Ollivander, the remaining Weasleys, Hogwarts Staff, Xenophilius Lovegood, Flint, Wood, Fudge, Malfoy and others were unable to have an epilogue. The difficulty for Ollivander put me off writing this for a whole year.
Sylar was made king of the zombies by the inferi. He got the position by saying "Brains" the longest.
It's not over just yet! In a fortnight, I shall be having a final review special!
P.S. I do not own 'Angel', 'Heroes', 'Lord of the Rings', 'Monty Python' or anything related either. If I have missed anything please forgive me.