I walked into the elevator feeling happier than I had since Marshall died. I wasn't thinking about my actions; I wasn't thinking about the kiss or the man; I simply wasn't thinking. It felt so good to just let myself just be happy for a change. As the doors closed, I saw his face one more time. It was smiling; I smiled back. I knew we would both treasure this night. Then, the doors shut and my happiness began to fade and I began to think.
What were you thinking? I asked myself. Obviously I wasn't, I answered myself.
You just kissed Chance! Your business-partner-ex-assasin-the-man-who-has-killed-numerous-people-without-blinking Chance! You kissed him! What were you thinking? My mind refused to be mollified.
When I stepped out of the elevator, the reality of what I had done finally hit me. I had kissed Christopher Chance.
It was the alcohol, I told myself. You were drunk and he is a very attractive man. You were drunk…
Except I knew that wasn't true. I wasn't drunk then and I'm not drunk now. And if it really was the alcohol, then why was I laying in bed now, fully sober, wanting nothing more than to kiss him again? Why? I sat up.
"Ilsa, this is ridiculous. You do not want to kiss Mr. Chance. That is ludicrous notion. This is not the time—Marshall just died—and this is definitely not the man. I mean, Chance? What was I thinking?" Oh, this is ridiculous! Now I'm even talking to myself.
You know what you were thinking, my head taunted me. You were thinking of how hard he is trying to make up for what he has done. You were thinking about how hard he is on himself. You were thinking of the way he is when he's just laughing, never quite care-free—like he always has to carry the world around on his shoulders. You were thinking that you wanted to help him with that burden.
With a sigh I pushed back up against the pillows. If only my mind would just leave me alone. I looked over at the clock.
3:08? How can it be that late…or I mean early? I need to get to sleep. I have an early morning tomorrow…performance reviews…with each team member…including Mr. Chance…alone…damn!
How am I going to do this? Why, oh why did I kiss him? What could have made me do something so inexcusable?
I think I drifted off around 3:30, but I'm not sure. I was sure, however, that it would be hell to sit with him, go over our professional, business relationship and pretend that the most amazing kiss of my life hadn't happened.