Matt Rutherford: Pasta and Pirates
Matt Rutherford might be just another football player to everyone else, but in his basement, he is a geek. He and Jane Cobb explore the galaxy. He may or may not have auditioned for Glee club with "Laundry Day" from Dr. Horrible. He can beat just about any video game. He's even tried his hand at fan fiction once in a while. But, his best friend, Mike Chang, swears the geekiest thing about him, the one that would get Matt slushied and thrown in toilets until the end of eternity is his religion. Mike tells Matt there is no way on earth he can let anyone know, and Matt's pretty good about it, until one day during football camp the summer after their sophomore year.
Matt usually tries to ignore Azimo and Karofsky when they comment on the daily news. Today, they were mocking both pirates and the theory of evolution. It was almost enough to drive Matt crazy. The straw that broke the camel's back came when Azimo started complaining about the temperature, and then laughed about global warming. Despite Mike's warnings, Matt just snapped.
"Global warming is caused by the loss of pirates," Matt stated flatly. He remembers when he discovered the graph showing the relationship. There is a definite linear correlation between the rise in ambient temperatures and the number of pirates. He had been in seventh grade, and had wanted to dread his hair. Somehow the "R" of Rastafarian became a "P".
Matt's conversion was immediate. He read the open letter to the Kansas School Board, and printed out the now almost famous image of the flying spaghetti monster stretching out his noodly appendage and touching Adam. Matt begged his grandfather, a biology teacher, to include at least a day on the Flying Spaghetti Monster in his classes, and was never really sure whether or not his grandfather did.
It wasn't like the Rutherfords had raised Matt and his brother in any particular faith. His grandfather claimed to be a disciple of philosophy and the school of hard knocks, while his grandmother was an ex-Baptist with bad memories of patent leather shoes. They did try to instill a sense of a moral code in the boys, but Matt had been an atheist until he me the flying spaghetti monster… and he might still be.
All he knows is that clings to the idea of the noodles and pirates as much as he clings to finches and 9.81 m/s2. Also, Space Cowboys with pistols fighting the forces of goram evil reevers.
A/N: (1) I have nothing against Baptists, or any other religious view point. But, patent leather mary janes without socks can totally cause blisters. (2) This story has been bumping around my head for a while, along with a companion piece about Matt, the closet nerd. It actually started during Skinny. I'm hoping that I can find time to go back and write it. (3) If you're unfamiliar with Pastafarianism, you may or may not want to check it out. Matt's version is less potent that the original.
Comments, concerns, questions and flame all welcome!