So I am a big, and I mean big, reader of fanfiction and thought I would take a shot at writing one. This is my first attempt and I'm pretty proud of it.
I came up with this idea after I listened to Michael Weatherly's song "Bitter and Blue." It surprised me how good of a singer he is and I came up with this idea almost immediately. The song used in this fanfiction is "Jar of Hearts" by Christina Perri. It's an absolutely amazing song if you haven't heard it before.
I had some help from my wonderful roommate seeing as she wrote one of the sections, so THANKS!
Disclaimer: all the standard stuff. I don't own NCIS, any of its characters, nor the music of Christina Perri.
Please read, enjoy, and if you feel so inclined review.
Jar of Hearts
She had to admit it, this was kind of fun.
She had been reluctant to go out with Abby and McGee when they had asked her to join them earlier in the day. She had been worried that she was going to be the third wheel to whatever Abby and Tim had planned.
It would have been different if Tony had agreed to go but he had said that he had already made plans and couldn't go. If Tony had said yes Ziva wouldn't have given the outing a second thought and would have gladly tagged along. But Tony said he couldn't and that left Abby practically bouncing up and down begging her to go with them tonight. After what seemed like hours of begging Ziva had finally relented and agreed to go with them.
When they had gotten off work, the three went home deciding that they would meet up at around 8 at this little nightclub that McGee had heard of. Ziva silently said her thanks that McGee was the one that had picked the spot for the night rather than Abby. While the places Abby picked were always fun it seemed that recently she hadn't been in the mood to go to those types of places.
Sitting on her bed staring at her closet, trying to pick out her outfit for the night, Ziva's mind began to wander. She thought back to earlier in the day when Tony had said no when Abby had asked him to join them. Tony very rarely said no to Abby. Very rarely. What did that mean? Was it because she was going? Oh no wait, he had said that he had plans. A stab of jealousy shot through Ziva as she thought about what Tony was implying when he said he had plans. Plans might constitute a date. A date with a tall, pretty blonde or someone equally attractive. A date that she would have to hear all about on Monday when Tony decided that everyone had to know about his latest exploit. Ugh. There were just some things she didn't want to know about Very Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo.
With her outfit picked out, Ziva showered and got ready to go. She only had to drive about 20 minutes to get to her destination. She parked her car and made her way over to the small little club where she was supposed to meet her coworkers. She seemed to be the first one there so she took a seat on a bench to wait.
The club was cute from the outside. It looked more like a little restaurant where people would go to hangout rather than an actual club. McGee might have just told Abby it was a club to get her to go though. The sign on the side of the 'club' promised the best burger in DC and live music. Ziva wasn't necessarily intrigued by the burger but some live music might be fun.
She only had to wait for about five minutes for Abby and McGee to show up. McGee was dressed casually in jeans and a blazer while Abby was wearing her best clubbing outfit. Yup, McGee had told her that they were going to a different type of club.
When Abby realized that this was the place that they were going to she smacked McGee on the chest, "Timmy, you told me we were going to a club! Now I'm way overdressed!"
Sensing that Abby was starting to get overemotional as she tended to do, Ziva gave Abby a quick embrace and whispered, "You look beautiful Abby."
The shocking hug and kind words quickly quieted any argument that Abby was going to have with McGee for the moment.
Abby gave the club another once over and shrugged, "I guess this place does look pretty cute, and oh the sign says that they have live music! I guess this could be fun."
Abby smiled and pushed open the door. The interior of the club was just as cute and cozy as the outside had led her to believe it would be. There were tables scattered around the one large room with a fireplace blazing in the corner. In another corner was a small stage on which sat a single stool and microphone stand.
McGee pointed to an open table and the three of them made their way to it. When they got to the table McGee pulled out a chair for Abby and then took her coat to hang it up. It was obvious that the man was trying to get back into Abby's good graces. It seemed to be working though as Abby was smiling and blushed slightly when McGee came back to the table with a flower that he had stolen from a vase that had been sitting on a table near the coat rack.
The group ordered their dinner. McGee got the 'best burger in DC', Abby a salad, and Ziva a chicken sandwich. When the food came, McGee proclaimed, through a mouth full of food, that his burger was indeed one of the best he's had since he moved to Washington DC from Norfolk. With the relaxed atmosphere it took them all a while to finish their food as they stopped eating a lot to talk about random topics.
It was around 9 o'clock when they finished and as the waiter took away their plates they heard crackling coming from the microphone on the stage. None of them had noticed the man get up on the stage but when they spotted him they all got excited. It seemed that is was time for the live music to begin.
The older man that was on the stage was fiddling with the microphone but once he managed to get it on and working he cleared his throat.
"Ok guys, it's music time." He said to the crowd. "First up we have Jenna Martenson."
The old man was replaced by a younger girl. She looked like she was in her mid-twenties and had hair so fiery red that all of Gibbs' ex-wives would be jealous. Jenna started playing and a slow soft melody filled the room. She was pretty good. She played three songs before she was replaced by and older lady introduced as Rachel Greenberg. Rachel's songs weren't as soulful or as pleasant to Ziva as Jenna's were but the Isreali still liked the music she was hearing.
After two more artists performed Ziva looked down at her watch and noticed that it was almost 11. She didn't have anywhere to be the next day but she was tired from the week that had just passed and wanted to go to bed. She told Abby and McGee that she was going to head out and got as far as the coat rack before the microphone crackled again.
The older man was back on the stage and about to introduce the next performer. Ziva got this gut feeling that she should stay and see who was coming on next. In a somewhat trancelike state Ziva made her way back to the table occupied by McGee and Abby and sat down without a word to either of them. The other two looked at each other but kept their mouths shut at Ziva's odd behavior.
"Well guys we have something exciting for you tonight." The old man said into the microphone. "He's a first time performer here. So welcome to the stage, Tony DiNozzo."
There was an audible gasp that came collectively from Abby and McGee. Ziva however was stunned. She had heard the man correctly, she was sure of that. But Tony performing in front of people, that was just something she didn't think would ever happen. She had heard Tony play a few times before but whenever she said anything about how good she thought he was he would get this shy look on his face. For a person that was so forward about everything in his life she had been shocked to see the shyness he had shown when the subject of his music came up.
The three watched as Tony made his way up onto the stage and took a seat on the bench for the small piano that had been wheeled on right as Tony had been announced. As he shifted around on the bench he quickly scanned the audience. He did a double take when he came across his three friends sitting in the almost dead center in the crowd. He clearly had not expected them to be there. It looked as though he was about to make a run for it but to Ziva's surprise he stayed seated.
Tony found the right placement for his fingers on the keys of the piano and began playing. The first few chords were low and slow. His eyes locked in with Ziva's and she felt as though he could see through into her soul when he began singing.
I know I can't take one more step towards you
'Cause all that's waiting is regret
And don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore
You lost the love I loved the most
I learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time…
Tony's voice was beautiful. Whenever Ziva had heard him play in the past he was only playing the piano or the guitar. She had never heard him sing before. Therefore, she could have never guessed how much emotion could be heard in the deep voice that harmonized with the piano and left her mouth gapping open.
Ziva could feel her heart skip a few beats as she was assaulted with memories. Memories that she had tried to hide from herself. Memories that made her feel as though she was breaking into two. As she listened to the soul bearing lyrics that were coming from Tony the memories overtook her. She couldn't stop herself as she began to remember a time when she thought that pain and Tony could never be associated with each other but rather back to a time in which whenever she thought about Tony she thought about love.
And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are?
OoO
The first time she thought about Tony in a way that was other than platonic and professional was the night after he pulled Gibbs and Maddie from the icy river. He had had to perform CPR on the two and even with that Tony had thought he lost Gibbs. Tony was the only one there and therefore was the one who had to make the choice between Gibbs and Maddie. In the end he had picked the girl because he knew that that's what Gibbs would have wanted. Even with that in mind the toll that his decision had cost him was evident to everyone around him.
Ziva and Tony had been the only ones left in the squad room late that evening. Gibbs was still in the hospital being monitored and generally giving the hospital staff hell. McGee had taken Abby home offering to watch over her since she was understandably an emotional wreck. That left Tony and Ziva finishing up the reports.
Ziva constantly looked over at her partner. She was discouraged when she noticed that each time she glanced over Tony was looking more and more burnt out and upset. She could see the lines of worry etched on his face as he attempted to write his statement about what had occurred on the docks. He was failing miserably at concentrating and eventually let out a frustrated sigh and shoved his head into his hands. Ziva couldn't watch Tony suffer any more and attempted to get him to see reason.
"Tony, you should go home." She attempted.
All that got her was a look of confusion from the man sitting across from her.
She tried again, "You should go home. All of this will be here in the morning. You do not need to finish it right this minute."
Tony responded this time. "I'm fine Zee-vah." He said cheerfully, but then added in a bit more somberly, "Plus if I wouldn't be able to sleep if I went home anyway."
She was not happy with his response but shrugged her acquiescence anyway. It was two hours later when they finally finished the paperwork and were able to go home. They walked down to the parking garage together but when they got there they separated into their individual cars and drove to their respective apartments.
An hour later Ziva found herself pacing in her living room. She couldn't stop thinking about her partner. Tony never let his emotions show. The fact that he had at the office just proved how tired and upset he was. Every time she closed her eyes in a quest for sleep she flashed back to Tony sitting at his desk visibly battling with his internal struggle against his emotions. It was more than she could bear to think about her partner in so much pain.
She surprised herself by wondering if she should go over to his apartment to make sure that he was ok. He probably was but she should make sure, shouldn't she? Before she could think too much about it she grabbed her bag and keys and headed out of her apartment. She arrived at his apartment door in record time. She knocked gently on the door but got no response. Ziva was going to leave; she had even got half way down the hallway, when she heard the door open.
"Ziva?" surprise evident in Tony's voice. "What are you doing here?"
She was going to respond to his question but she found her mouth to be dry. She looked at her partner and was shocked when she caught herself thinking about him in a way that was definitely not professional. He was wearing sweats and an old, and visibly worn, Ohio State t-shirt. His hair was a complete mess. Tony looked nothing like the Tony she saw on a daily basis. She realized then that she was seeing the real Tony. The unguarded Tony. She then realized that she liked this Tony and her heart flittered.
Ziva shook her head trying to clear away the thoughts that had so unexpectedly entered her mind.
"I was wondering if you would like to watch a movie with me." Ziva said as she found her words.
"Um. It's kind of late Ziva." Tony must have seen the way Ziva's face fell because he quickly amended "But it's never too late to watch a classic. C'mon in."
Tony stepped to the side of the doorway and allowed Ziva entrance. She had never been in his apartment before. She had expected it to be just another extension of his playboy persona with uncleaned dishes, movies and clothes thrown about, and an overall general mess. What she saw when she entered, however, was nothing like she expected. Tony's apartment was clean, for one, like immaculate, and had classic furniture, and neat and organized shelves housing movies and even books. This was just another aspect of the Tony that she had never seen before. Once again she felt her heart skip slightly as she thought of the different sides of Tony and how she really liked the sides he had never shown her before.
Tony led her over to the soft black leather sofa and she sat down. She watched as he went over to the shelves and started the search for the perfect movie. He seemed to put a lot of the thought into what they would watch and he went over the shelves multiple times continually scanning the titles of the movies. Finally he made up his mind and pulled out a DVD and slipped it into the player. He grabbed the remote for the television set and made his way back to the sofa.
The sofa was only a two seater so seated next to each other their thighs and shoulders touched ever to slightly. This contact, however, was enough to send a shiver up Ziva's spine. She hoped that Tony hadn't felt her slight shudder. She didn't even know what this new feeling meant. She was confused as to why she was feeling this way over Tony. She had been working with him for almost two years now and hadn't felt anything like this before. Maybe it was because she had finally seen behind his emotional mask at the office or was now seeing into his private life in his home. Either way it was all very confusing. She decided that she would try her hardest to ignore these new feelings and would do everything possible to keep Tony from finding out.
"So I decided to start you out with a classic my little ninja. This here is Casablanca. Released in 1942, directed by Michael Curtiz, and staring the beautiful Humphrey Bogart, and it is a three time Oscar winner." Tony explained as the title menu showed up on the television screen.
Ziva didn't know, and wasn't paying attention to, half of what Tony was saying but she just sat there and let him talk. His face lit up when he was explaining the movie to her. He smiled one of his genuine smiles that reached his eyes and she couldn't help it when she smiled back at him.
Tony started the movie and intently watched the screen. Ziva was having difficulty watching the movie though. She couldn't stop looking over at the man she was seated next to. She watched as his face changed with each new scene of the movie. She wondered how he could get so completely entranced with something that was not real. Halfway through the movie she stopped even trying to follow what was happening on the screen and instead focused all of her attention on stealing glances at Tony.
She decided to try and press her luck and shifted over slightly so that she was pressed closer into Tony. Ziva was afraid that Tony would notice and would scoot further away so she was pleasantly surprised that instead of moving away from her he actually leaned into the contact.
When Tony noticed the shift in their positions he tore his eyes away from the screen to look at his partner and found her staring back at him. Ziva noticed a flash of confusion run through her partner's eyes but in the end his eyes settled on happy and she felt her heart do another little flip. Ziva, never one to back down from a challenge, decided to press her luck once again, and reached over and grabbed his hand. The joy she felt when Tony squeezed her hand rather than removing his own, was unexplainable. She was shocked that her plan to hide her feelings from herself and from Tony had been destroyed so quickly.
Tony shifted his eyes back to the movie on the television screen but kept his hand firmly in Ziva's. Throughout the rest of the movie the two moved closer and closer together until the end of the movie came and Ziva found herself curled into Tony's side. Tony was warm and Ziva felt safe and secure in his arms. It was a feeling of safety she hadn't felt in a long time.
Tony turned off the television set as the end credits rolled but made no movement to dislodge himself from Ziva. They sat like that, curled together, until they both gave into exhaustion and drifted off to sleep. In the morning Ziva awoke first and found herself pushed up against Tony's back. They had obviously shifted in their sleep and now they were spooned together. Ziva could feel Tony's breath on her neck and could feel his steady heartbeat against her. She was surprised at how natural this all felt, to be cuddling with Tony, to wake up with Tony, everything just felt so right.
OoO
She was pulled out of her memory as Tony began another verse of his song. His eyes were locked with hers as he refused to look at anybody else in the audience. She tried to look away, tried to look at anything that was not the man she had once felt so comfortable with hoping that by breaking eye contact she could distance herself from him.
Ziva could practically feel the confused looks of Abby and McGee as they stared back and forth from her to Tony and then back to her. She should have cared about their confusion but the only thing she seemed to be able to concentrate on was the song that her former lover was singing.
I hear you're asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
But I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms
I learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time…
Ziva felt herself being pulled back into another memory. And try as she might she just simply couldn't fight it off. This memory made her blush and had Abby or McGee been looking at her at that moment instead of being transfixed on Tony they would have instantly known that the song was about her.
OoO
It was a late afternoon on a lazy Sunday that Ziva found herself curled up once again on Tony's couch. Her head laid in the crook of his neck as he absentmindedly ghosted over the exposed skin of her arms. This evening they were watching the comical antics of Clark Gable and Claudette Colbert in It Happened One Night, which Tony had gleefully announced was on his favorite channel, Turner Classic Movies. However, Ziva had other things on her mind then watching this film. His touch was electric on her skin. She wanted more than this though, much more. Tony's laughter interrupted her wandering mind and she sat up on the couch.
"He is such a genius!" Tony exclaimed, "Gable really was the king of classic Hollywood." Ziva looked to the screen to see Gable's character, Peter Warne, slowly removing articles of clothing, explaining the significance of the order in which they were removed.
"He is very handsome, but it does not take a genius to portray a pompous ass taking advantage of a rich girl."
"Ziva, Ziva, Ziva he's none of those things, he's just a hard working reporter that caught a lucky break. He's got character, just watch you'll see," Tony responded shaking his head. They continued watching the film. Tony continued to caress her uncovered flesh, never moving to do more. Ziva's sexual frustration was rising. As the "Walls of Jericho" fell down signaling the end of the movie Ziva tried to stand up from the couch. Her heightened frustration called for a glass of water.
"Ziva," Tony whispered as he grabbed at her arm and pulled her back down, lowering her to his lap. He captured her lips with his and hungrily explored her mouth. He began running his hands up and down her back, Ziva wrapped her one hand around his neck and pulled him closer to her. Tony's hands found their way under her shirt raising it up as he ghosted his hands across the tops of her breasts.
"Tony," she said breathily into his open mouth. They looked at each other with lust filled stares. She pulled back to allow him to raise her shirt over her head, tossing it to the side. She bent forward to reach under his shirt, tracing her hands across his abs and up to his pecks. She smiled coyly at him as she removed his shirt completely. They were both nervous, but this just felt too right to walk away from.
"Do you want this?" He questioned. She responded with a nod of her head and leaned down to capture his mouth with hers, pushing her tongue to explore his mouth. He began to moan and she could feel his arousal straining against his pants. He pushed down her bra and ran his thumbs over her nipples sending a shiver straight to her core. She pulled away from him and stood up from his lap. She bent to remove his pants and boxers, smirking at the Underdog cartoon character printed across them.
"I didn't…" he began to say, as he ran his hand across his face and then through his hair. Ziva shushed him with a finger and a shake of her head. She slowly began removing the rest of her own clothes, in a little striptease for him. She turned with her back to him as she pulled down her pants and underwear, turning her head to gaze at him. His eyes were stuck on her naked body and he held out his hand for her to come back to him. She obliged, climbing back onto his lap with one leg on either side of him, his firmness pressed against her stomach.
"You're beautiful Ziva," he said as he cupped her cheek in his hand.
"You're not too bad yourself, Tony." He slowly began placing kisses to her cheeks and along her jaw line. She ran her hands from his chest down to his stomach and ghosted her fingers across the head of his manhood. He latched his mouth onto one of her taught nipples and gently started tweaking the other, his free hand found its way down to her nub. She rolled her head back and moaned at the wonderful sensations he was sending through her body.
She slowly raised her hips up and positioned him at her entrance. Tony looked up from his ministrations to her breast, and they locked eyes as she lowered herself down on him. They both let out a sigh of contentment.
Tony began moving inside her, and she moved herself up and down his length holding onto his shoulders for support. She was enjoying being in control. Tony placed his hands on her hips helping her to go faster, he was hitting just the right spot inside her and she was beginning to pant.
Her lips were slightly parted and Tony leaned in to nip and suck at her bottom lip, and then began kissing her again. He stood up from the couch holding her to him and still buried inside her. She wrapped her legs around his waist as he walked them to his bedroom down the hall.
He set her down sprawled out across the bed on her back and she whimpered at the loss of him. He climbed onto the bed with her and buried himself deep inside her again.
"Oh, Tony!" she cried out as she pulled him closer to her. His hands were caressing every inch of her skin. She met each of his deep thrusts with equal vigor and they worked each other over the golden edge screaming each other's names and coming simultaneously. They lay together on the bed a tangled mess of limbs and sweat, but they never felt more content and sated.
That had been the first time they had made love to each other. It had felt so perfect like they were made for one another. She missed the times when they could have fun like that but also the times when they would just spend hours curled up together talking or watching movies.
OoO
She felt as though Tony could see into her soul as he crooned his lyrics up on stage. As he stared at her she thought she might have caught a glimpse of a smirk making her think that maybe he was relieving that particular memory too. But the smirk disappeared quickly, if it had even been there at all, as he launched into the next part of his song.
Who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are?
The memory that came at this point was one that Ziva had tried the hardest to push into a deep part of herself where she wouldn't have to remember and wouldn't have to live with the fact that she was the one that messed up what could have been the best relationship of her life.
OoO
It had been a wonderful few months with Tony. They would get together every weekend and most nights during the week when the case they had been working on hadn't kept the team in the office into the late hours of the night. Tony had even insisted that they go on some real dates that included her getting dressed up, him picking her up at her door with flowers in hand, and a dinner at restaurant. She hadn't liked these kinds of dates before, had found them to be too formal and stuffy, but with Tony she had loved them.
If Gibbs had known about them he hadn't said anything. Maybe he knew that Ziva, no matter how much she loved someone, would not that love interfere with her work. Or maybe he knew that Tony would tear his own heart out and stomp on it before he allowed any of his team members to get hurt because of the relationship he was having with a coworker. Whatever the reason, if Gibbs' had known anything at all about rule number twelve being broken he kept that information to himself.
Ziva found herself smiling more than she had ever done before in her life. She no longer found the constant movie references Tony made a nuisance. Instead she made sure that they watched that respective movie together so that Tony could explain what was going on. She loved those nights because they would always find themselves snuggled up on the couch or in bed together. She had never been one to cuddle but with Tony she discovered that she couldn't get enough and could never be close enough to Tony and the warmth and security he provided.
But it all changed when a man by the name of Michael Rivkin showed up. Ziva had known Michael for as long as she could remember. They had been friends when they were children and as they had grown up they had gotten much closer. Ziva had always thought that she would end up with Michael. It was something that was expected of her by her father. The elder David had loved the fact that she would be married to another high ranking Mossad officer as it made his hold on power even tighter. Her father had been deeply disappointed, even furious, when Ziva had told him that she would not be returning to Israel, opting to stay in America, and therefore, would not be marrying Michael.
Ziva had been greatly upset about her father's anger and disappointment in her. She had fought desperately to get back into his good graces but he wouldn't budge. Her father was the only member of her family that she had left. Her mother and her sister, Tali, had been killed in a bombing when she was younger and she had killed her half brother, Ari, a few years ago.
The opportunity to gain favor with her father came when Michael Rivkin came to DC. Her father had told her that in order to be accepted back into the family she would have to join forces with Michael. She realized quickly what this meant. Her father wanted her to get back together with Rivkin in a way that was more than just professional.
It felt as though her heart was being pulled in two, one half being pulled toward Tony and the other half being pulled toward her father. For a person that was as decisive as Ziva usually was, the emotional conflict that was being waged internally was overwhelming. She was unsure of what to do. She was sure however that her fondness for Tony was growing and might be approaching the stage of love but she was also sure that she would do almost anything in order to get her father to acknowledge her once again as his daughter.
One night her heart just broke and she made the decision that she had to choose blood over Tony.
Ziva went over to Tony's apartment the next night and she had decided then that it was time to let him down. She knew that it was going to hurt but she never could have imagined how much.
"I don't know why you're doing this, Ziva." Tony said after Ziva told him that she was ending their relationship.
"I mean everything is going so well. We're having fun and I really like you." Tony shook his head with confusion. He just couldn't understand why Ziva was ending it. She knew that he was replaying everything that they had done together the past few months searching for things that he might have done wrong. But that was the thing since they started seeing each other he hadn't done anything wrong. Hell, since Tony had started seeing her, his eyes hadn't strayed at all. He stopped flirting with every woman he met and stopped making sexual jokes all the time. He did all this, and she knew it wasn't even because he was scared that she would kill him when he wasn't paying attention.
"Tony, we just have to end it. I cannot do this anymore." Ziva responded as she tried to ignore the pain that flickered across Tony's face before he quickly pushed those emotions under and the mask he had worn before they had been a couple slipped back on.
She tried to leave Tony's apartment before it could get any worse. However, she only made it a few steps before she heard something that shredded any parts of her heart that were still intact.
"I love you Ziva."
She was taken aback by these words. She wanted so desperately to tell him that she loved him as well but she had come to his apartment to end things with him and so that was what she was going to do. She was determined to stick to her resolve even though she was crumpling on the inside.
"I am sorry Tony, but I do not love you." She said quickly while trying to keep any emotion from entering her voice. Tony looked like a puppy that had been kicked and Ziva couldn't stay there any longer. She turned away and left the apartment without looking back.
She had spent the next few weeks with Rivkin. They got to know each other again and began the process of becoming romantically involved. Ziva was glad that he was back in her life but she was never as happy with him as she had been with Tony. The only thing that got her through those weeks without Tony was the fact that her father began talking to her again.
Her relationship with Rivkin ended abruptly though when she came home one night and found him lying in a puddle of his own blood. Tony had been holding the gun that had been responsible for putting the bullet through Rivkin's chest.
When she saw the man that she had known her entire life lying dead on her floor she lost it. She yelled and screamed at Tony. She refused to listen to his side of the story and instead decided that he had been angry about their breakup and jealous of Rivkin's role in her life. She could not bring herself to believe that Rivkin had been working behind her back and Tony had only been defending himself when he had come to tell her or her boyfriend's deceit. It would have meant that her father had lied to her once again, that once again she had been betrayed by her own family. It was too much to take in at the time and because of that she took her anger and frustrations out on the one man that had truly loved her.
OoO
When Ziva thought back to those times she felt like a complete, cold-hearted bitch which was probably the right feeling to have seeing as she had been a bitch to Tony. She had hurt him and then refused to believe him when he had tried to protect her.
There was no doubt in her mind that she was the one that put the pain, that could be heard, in his voice as he bared his soul to everyone that was listening to his song.
It took so long to just feel alright
Remember how to put the light back in my eyes
I wish I had missed the first time we kissed
Cause you broke all your promises
And now you're back
You don't get to get me back.
As she continued listening to her former lover she couldn't help but think about what and complete and utter idiot she had been about her relationship. She had never been a Martha Stewart, do everything for your man, type of girl but she had never been particularly bad at relationships. It was something about Tony that left her feeling unsure of everything. Being in the relationship had been easy; they were a team at work and had been a team at home. That part was easy; the break up however had been the hard part. Add on having to work together all the time, having to rely on each other constantly that had been downright difficult.
OoO
Ziva had thought that she might be able to get her relationship, if not their romantic one at least their friendship, back on track with Tony when they returned from Somalia. She had had a lot of time to think while she was being held captive by Saleem and her thoughts had always led back to Tony.
She was upset that Saleem was going to kill her before she had the chance to set things right with him and explain why she did what she did. She had to explain to him that it wasn't his fault that things ended. She had to explain that it was her own messed up sense of loyalty and devotion to her father that caused her to screw up the one chance she had at love.
While she was being held captive in Somalia, Saleem tried to get her to spill secrets about Mossad or about NCIS, in essence, he tried to break her. But try as he may be was unable to break her because she was already broken. She had broken the moment she said goodbye to Tony at the tarmac when the plane left and he headed back to DC and she stayed in Israel. She had thought that her heart might heal in her homeland but it took her all of ten minutes to realize that Israel would never be her home again. Her home was with Tony. With that realization her heart broke and her soul seemed to crumple under the pressure.
The relief she felt when the black bag was removed from her head and she saw Tony sitting in front of her was immeasurable. Her relief had quickly turned into fear though when she realized that if Tony was sitting in front of her then he too had been captured and was therefore going to die alongside her.
"Why are you here, Tony?' She had asked.
"I guess I couldn't live without you." And with that response her heart had skipped a beat, flipped, and pounded against her chest, seemingly all at the same time.
All too quickly, Saleem had come back and told them that they were leaving but they were not taking any prisoners. They were about to die together when out of nowhere a shot rang out and Saleem fell to the ground. Ziva was beside herself with joy. Joy that they were alive, joy that they would soon be heading back home, and joy that Tony had said that he couldn't live without her. But when she looked over to Tony she saw that he was fighting with himself to mask the hurt that had been evident in his eyes since she ended their relationship.
There hadn't been time to discuss anything with Tony then though. They had to quickly leave and when they escaped they were quickly loaded into a plane and with McGee and Gibbs present Ziva couldn't find a time to talk to Tony alone.
She had hoped that things would be different when they got home but she was mistaken. If anything, Tony tried to avoid her more than he had before she left. He refused to spend anytime alone with her. He would take the stairs when she took the elevator or would quickly duck down to Abby's lab or autopsy when they were left alone in the squad room.
Her frustrations had boiled over one day and she decided that Tony would talk to whether he wanted to or not. She knew that it was selfish seeing as she had been the one that broke his heart but she needed to talk to him if she was going to salvage any part of their relationship.
Ziva had been watching him all day trying to find the opportune time to approach him. They had been busy that day and she was worried that she wouldn't get the chance when Gibbs told them to go down to autopsy to check on Ducky's progress. Usually Gibbs wouldn't have sent both of them to do something it really only takes one person to do but he must have noticed the glances that Ziva had been constantly sending her partner and realized that she needed to talk to him. Gibbs had become increasingly grumpy since they had gotten back from Somalia due to the fact that two of his agents refused to play nicely together and must have been willing to try anything to fix the problem.
She made her move on the elevator ride down to autopsy. Before Tony even realized what was going on she had stepped in front of the elevator command panel and brought the elevator to a shuddering stop. Tony tried to side step her and get the elevator moving again but the former Mossad agent was too quick and easily blocked him.
"What are you doing?" Tony questioned with exasperation evident in his voice.
"Tony we must talk. You have been avoiding me since we got back from Somalia." Ziva responded.
"Well maybe there's a reason for that." Tony said as he once again moved to get past her but was once again blocked.
"Then tell me what that reason is. I know it was my all my fault but I want to be able to explain why I did it. I just – "
"I don't care Ziva. It doesn't matter. It's over now and I just want to move on."
She could tell that Tony was trying to keep his emotions in check. However, she had learned to read him pretty well during their time together. There were still some things that he was able to keep hidden from her but this wasn't one of them. She noticed the way that he tried to keep his eyes averted from her but when she did manage to catch a glance of them she saw the hurt that burned beneath them.
She wanted to take the hurt away from him and if she could have done that by stopping the conversation she would have. She would have stopped speaking right then. She would have closed her mouth and left him alone completely. She would have let them go back to being ships passing in the night, never recognizing each other let alone talking to each other. She would have done all of those things if she thought it would help but she knew deep in her heart that it wouldn't.
"I wish I could take back everything I did Tony. I really do, but I cannot and for that I am sorry." Ziva said sincerely.
"I get why you did it Ziva." Tony finally looked up at her. "When I was a kid I would do everything I possibly could to please my father. I would follow his rules as best I could and hell, I even carried around a bucket of shit during his Civil War reenactments hoping that he would recognize my efforts. I did whatever he asked but it was never good enough and that hurt."
Tony's expression changed from hurt to one of anger as he continued on. "But at some point you have to stop trying to meet your parent's unrealistic expectations. I was twelve when I realized that. I stopped caring about him and what he wanted and focused on what I wanted and what was important to me. Apparently being a DiNozzo meant following orders and since I wouldn't do that, I couldn't be a DiNozzo anymore. So he sent me away, disowned me, and hasn't talked to me since."
"But my father is the only family I have left and –"
"And what? I obviously have so much family." Tony sneered back sarcastically. "This team is the only family I have. It took me thirty years to find a family that accepted me and cared about me. That's the only reason I'm still here."
Ziva could feel tears forming in her eyes but she would not let them fall. Many things about her had changed since she moved to America but not being able to show emotions to others was not one of them. Instead she scrunched her eyes close until she could feel them dry up only leaving a stinging sensation behind.
"Look Ziva, I get it I really do." Tony lifted her chin so that she was staring into his bright green eyes.
"I knew I was bad at relationships. I just hoped that our relationship would be different. I hoped that it would last forever but obviously that won't be the case. I love you Ziva and I probably always will but I can't put myself through that again."
"I know that Tony. I just want us to be friends again." Ziva responded quietly.
"Maybe Ziva, maybe but right now I just need time." Tony smiled slightly. The smile was sad but it was the first genuine smile that Ziva had seen in a long time.
"Ok. I really do value your friendship and I hope that one day I can manage to earn it back."
With the conversation clearly over Ziva started the elevator back up again. The rest of the ride down to autopsy was silent but it was no longer an uncomfortable and awkward silence. It was a small victory on Ziva's part but she would take it.
OoO
Ziva blinked as she left her memories and tuned back into reality. She could hear Tony's voice again and could tell that the song was close to being over.
Who do you think you are
Runnin' round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Don't come back at all
After her last memory, Ziva looked at Tony she couldn't understand why he looked so hurt.
They had been doing better recently. They no longer talked to each other only if the situation required it but rather both her and Tony initiated conversations. They would talk about work but also about things that didn't pertain to cases at all. Tony had even been talking about having a movie night at his apartment and inviting the whole team, including her.
She just couldn't understand why he was upset again. She couldn't remember doing anything that would put him into this type of mood. She just didn't understand why he would be feeling so upset and singing this particular song.
And who do you think you are
Runnin' round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
Don't come back for me
Don't come back at all
Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?
The song ended and the crowd responded with a round of applause. But Ziva couldn't hear any of it. She just remembered why Tony would be so upset. The thought that it would have been their two year anniversary just pooped into her head. She couldn't believe that she had forgotten about it or about the fact that Tony would be upset about it. Tony tried to come off as a cocky playboy but under the surface he was a sentimental fool and this day obviously meant something to him.
Tony got up off the bench and quickly hopped off of the stage and made a bee-line for the exit. He wove around tables and restaurant patrons searching for a path to freedom. Ziva practically leapt up out of her chair and began to follow him. Abby motioned to do the same, but McGee, thankfully, held her back.
She followed him out the back door and into the alley. As soon as she stepped into the dark and damp alley way she was pushed up against the wall. She was about to fight the intruder off when a pair of lips descended on hers. Ziva could tell immediately that these lips belonged to none other than Anthony DiNozzo Jr. She was shocked to say the least but remained fixed in her position with the cool brick behind her.
When Tony's tongue graced her lips and insisted on entrance she willingly obliged. His tongue explored her mouth with a feverish desire that she had never felt from him before. They stood like that for what seemed like forever but most likely had only been a few minutes. When they disengaged from each other in order to catch their breaths, Tony leaned his forehead against hers and stared into her eyes.
"Dammit Ziva I don't know what I'm doing here." Tony said as his breaths started to even out.
"What do you mean?"
"I know that I shouldn't trust you. I know that one day you could decide that you want somebody else and leave me in the dust, again. But I just can't stay away from you."
Ziva blushed at his words. They hurt but it was the truth. She had already done those things to him and he had no reason to think that she wouldn't do them again.
"Tony, I will never do those things. I would never intentionally hurt you again." Ziva responded in a hushed tone. "I know that I have to earn back your trust but I am willing to try. Believe me I will not yarn you along."
"String you along. It's "string you along.'" A smile formed on Ziva's face. This was the first time that Tony had corrected her English since their relationship had ended. Since then she had purposefully made many mistakes hoping that Tony would leave his silent resolve but he hadn't. This simple gesture was a big stepping stone on the path towards healing.
Tony captured Ziva's mouth once again in a devouring kiss. "I can't be without you. I can't just be friends anymore. I want to try again." He said between kisses.
"I feel the same way." With that said, she grabbed his hand in hers and started pulling him toward the street. She quickly hailed a cab and they were on their way back to Tony's apartment.
On the ride there, they both had trouble keeping their hands to themselves. Ziva could feel the heat radiating of the man next to her and if the driver wasn't there she would have jumped him right in the back of the taxi.
After what seemed like an eternity they arrived at the brick three story walk up that Tony called home. She quickly paid the driver the fare and then grabbed Tony's hand and practically pulled him up the three flights of stairs.
She waited impatiently as Tony fished out his keys from his pocket and unlocked his door. As soon as they made it inside and closed the door behind them, Ziva had him pushed up against it. The kiss they shared was full of all of the built up passion that had been suppressed the last few months.
Tony reversed their positions and Ziva found herself with her back against the door and using the door knob for support as her legs seemed to turn into jelly and go out from under her. She probably would have slid to the ground had Tony's body not been crushed against hers pinning her there.
Ziva could feel the heat growing within her body and suddenly kissing Tony just wasn't enough. Her hands moved up his sides and to his chest. As soon as she found the middle button of his shirt she pulled and the shirt quickly became a casualty of their growing passion. She ripped the button-down shirt from his shoulders and was saddened to find an undershirt hiding beneath it. Reluctantly breaking their kiss, she lifted the offending shirt over his head and threw it to the floor.
Tony, never one to be outdone, pulled Ziva's shirt off of her and dropped it to the ground. She was unable to suppress a moan as Tony's bare chest came into contact with her own as he leaned into her.
"Maybe we should start making our way to the bedroom." Ziva suggested.
Tony didn't even reply. He just grabbed her hand and led her down the hallway towards the bedroom door. When they reached their destination Tony quickly got to work helping Ziva out of her jeans. She let them pool at her feet and stepped out of them. This left her in only her bra and underwear while Tony was still wearing his pants. That just wouldn't do.
She hastily freed Tony from his pants and grinned when she saw the Superman boxers he was wearing underneath. She had gotten them for him when she learned of his love for cartoon inspired boxers.
"Very nice, Mr. Kent." Ziva joked.
Tony looked confused but chuckled when he followed her eyes to see what she was looking at.
"And here I thought you had fallen asleep when I made you watch that movie."
Ziva smiled and pushed Tony back until his legs ran into the edge of the bed. He grabbed her waist and together they fell back onto the bed. Ziva crawled to the center of the bed and Tony followed with a slight predatory look in his eyes.
When Tony was flush with Ziva he reached under her and, with practiced hands, removed her bra. His eyes travelled to the perky breasts that had been hidden underneath the cloth but his eyes were quickly replaced by his hands. He kneaded them with his calloused palms and Ziva could feel his smirk against her lips when she let out a groan.
His lips left hers and moved down to her jaw line, then to her collarbone, and finally stopped when they found her breasts. He looked up at her before he latched on began sucking. The nipple that was trapped in his mouth became taught and ached pleasurably. He moved on to the other nipple and this time took it in his teeth, nibbling on it gently. He knew just how to tweak it in order to give her the most satisfaction possible.
He returned his hands to her breast as his mouth once again started travelling her body. He continued to tweak her nipples with light pinches and pulls as his lips moved lower and lower. His soft lips moved down her flat abdomen until they reached her navel. When he got there he stopped and began thrusting his tongue in and out of the warm hole. Ziva started to become overwhelmed with the assault of pleasurable senses. But before she was pushed over the edge Tony removed both his hands from her breasts and his tongue from her navel.
She groaned at the loss of contact but realized quickly what Tony was thinking of doing next. Tony pulled her knees up until her feet were flat against the bed. He moved down lower and wrapped an arm around her calf holding her in place. Tony pulled off her last remaining article of clothing, her panties, and threw them to the floor. He kissed along the inside of her thighs and she started to tremble with pleasure. When his warm lips and tongue reached their final destination Ziva couldn't help her exclamation of "God, Tony!"
Tony chuckled and the vibrations it produced sent sparks of pleasure to her core. She was getting closer and closer to the brink and Tony hadn't even entered her yet. She could have come right then and there but she wanted Tony in her. She wanted them to go over the edge together. She managed to release the sheets that she had been clutching during Tony's ministrations and brought them down to his head. She pulled lightly on his hair to get his attention.
"Tony… Tony" She breathed out huskily. "Tony, get up here. I want you in me."
Tony happily obliged and crawled and kissed his way back up her body. Eventually his lips made it all the way back to hers and devoured them with fervor. In her haze of bliss she reached down to Tony's waist and pulled his boxers down freeing his erection. Ziva broke their kiss and reached into the end table next to the bed and found a condom. Tony went to take it out of her hand but she pulled it away.
"Let me do it."
She ripped open the wrapper and reached in between them. She grasped his straining cock and Tony involuntarily thrust into the contact. He groaned as she held onto the base of his shaft and pulled the condom onto it.
She gave him a few thrusts with her hand before flipping them over and straddling his waist. She leaned down and kissed the surprised and newly positioned Tony.
"You know I like to be on top." Ziva said smiling.
Ziva positioned herself so that her entrance was lined up with his erection and then thrust backwards. They both let out a moan as he filled her completely. Ziva began to move first and lifted up so that Tony was almost out of her and then thrust downward again. The next time she moved Tony moved with her so that each thrust sent waves of pleasure through them both.
It only took a few more thrusts until she could feel the pressure building up inside of her signaling that her orgasm was fast approaching. She felt herself clenching around Tony as muscle spasms rolled through her core and she captured Tony's mouth with hers as she came. A few moments later she felt Tony's cock stiffen as he came spilling warm seed.
Ziva's body felt boneless and she collapsed down onto her lover's solid body. A couple of minutes passed before Tony pulled out of her and went to the bathroom to dispose of the used condom. When he got back into the bed he pulled Ziva flush against him as they snuggled together as their exhausted bodies pulled them towards sleep.
The last few thoughts Ziva had before she surrendered to slumber were about Tony and their future together. She knew they still had a lot to work through. She had to earn his trust back and prove to him that she would never purposefully hurt him again. They also had to tell Gibbs' about their relationship.
She didn't know what aspect of their future would be most difficult but she knew that together they could face these problems and deal with them. With her concerns squashed for the moment she snuggled closer into Tony, breathed in his familiar scent, and fell into the most peaceful sleep she had had in months.
Hope you enjoyed reading this little piece of mine. Please review. Thanks!