A/N: My fellow authoress and I have decided to turn this into a story, rather than a oneshot, due to a few requests. But when I say story, we mean it'll be a series of chapters detailing Erik and Christine's relationship in little segments, in no chronological order whatsoever. So, in essence, each chapter is its own story, thus making it a "rambling." You may also notice that each chapter begins with "I'm home!" or "Back!" and it may get rather old, but deal with it. It's our way of informing the other that we've returned on Skype, and we don't feel like changing it... and it conveniently makes for a good segway to say "Hey, let's do another rambling!"
Disclaimer: Everything belongs to its respective owner (Gaston Leroux, ALW, etc... you should know who you are by now). All references to Dane Cook, Georgia Nicolson, the PhantomReviewer, and Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em also belong to their appropriate owners. And anyone who can pick out those references probably deserves a plate of Erik cookies.
In a lair beneath the Paris Opera House…again...
Christine (comes through the front door): I'm home!
Erik: You... you returned to Erik...
Christine: Yes, of course I did. I always will, you know this.
Erik: But... my dear Christine... you left me. You left your poor, unhappy Erik.
Christine: Erik...I was gone for five minutes. I only left to fetch my score from my dressing room. What ever is the matter with you?
Erik: Let's not play innocent, my dear, though you do play the part very well.
Christine: But Erik...what do you mean? I don't understand!
Erik: You left me for that damned fop! I know what you were thinking! "Oh yes, I'll wait for the corpse to fall into a drug induced sleep and leave the him! Well you can't! Remember Christine, it is a dead man that loves you! And no matter how many times you try to leave, I will always be one step behind in the shadows.
Christine: ERIK! (grabs him by the shirt, holding back angry tears) I was gone for five minutes! I don't understand what I have to do to convince you that I don't love Raoul anymore. What do you want from me? All I do is come down here to this dank cellar everyday, and sing! Sing sing sing sing sing sing sing! I want to do other things! Like...walk in the sunshine! Go window-shopping! Attend an opera that for once I am NOT performing in! Learn to fish-forget I mentioned that last one. Besides...Raoul's left for the North Pole. He's been gone for over a month (sinks to the ground in tears).
Erik (looks down and an overwhelming sense of realisation hits him. Or it could be the morphine wearing off): Erik is... sorry my love. He knows not what came over him. In fact, I feel a bit feverish (falls to the ground by her side in a heap of tears) Please don't cry, my darling! You know Erik can't bear to see you cry. I... I can't even bring myself to ask your forgiveness. You deserve the world Christine. (Stands up suddenly and triumphantly) And that is precisely what I shall do! Have you ever wanted to travel Christine?
Christine: ...Travel? I...I suppose it would be perfectly exciting to explore the world more than I have. I've only ever seen Sweden and France before, and I knew you've been to many places...
Erik: I've told you before, my love, that I would give you the world, and Erik never goes back on his promises. We can see whatever you like, so long as you are happy.
Christine: Oh Erik, can we really see the world together? I just...never thought you would consent to...well...show your face outside of our home (sheepish smile).
Erik (begins pacing): Erik will even take you for walks on Sundays in the park. You are my wife Christine (though the circumstances that led to our marriage are a little... well we won't go there.) But you are my wife, and I want to live as any other man. I will simply use my other mask that makes me look like an ordinary man, out with his beautiful wife on his arm.
Christine: That's so exciting! May we go for a walk now? It's evening, and the sun is setting-or at least it was when I was last near a window.
Erik: Of course, my darling girl. Anything to see you smile. But first, Erik must know where it is you want to go. Have you ever wanted to see Australia?
Christine: Australia? I've never thought about it. Is that in Europe? (Her already wide blue eyes get even wider with the effort of thinking)
Erik (Tries to hide dumbfoundedness): N-no my child. It is on the complete other side of the world.
Christine: Ooooooooooooooooooh...(comprehension dawns in her face) Tell me about Australia, Erik?
Erik (shakes off laughter by coughing): Go and fetch your cloak and I will tell you about it on the boat ride.
Christine: Oh yes! I will be only a moment. (Gives Erik a wary look) I swear, only a moment (darts off with rosy cheeks and a spring in her step, singing).
Erik (murmurs under his breath): Dear God above, I've married a half-wit. But she is a beautiful half-wit.
Christine (Her voice issues faintly from her bedroom): Is it cold in Austria?
Erik (hides growing frustration at her stupidity): Austria, one of our neighboring countries, is cold yes. But it is currently springtime in Australia.
Christine (Emerges, and laughs lightly, stroking Erik's shoulder): Silly Erik, how can it be spring anywhere when it's currently February? Maybe being all alone down here has made you a little uncertain of the things of the outside world. I think this vacation will be good for you.
Erik (all anger fades as he settles into his wife's gentle touch): Australia is in the southern hemisphere, darling, thus the seasons are flip-flopped. When it is winter here in Paris, it shall be summer there. Does that make sense?
Christine: Mmmmm...of course, dear, of course. (Shakes her head when Erik isn't looking and mutters under her breath) The man is delusional.
Erik (undocks the dingy): Come now, Christine, if we wait any longer, you shall catch a cold, and you won't be able to sing for your Erik.
Christine: Yes yes! (Hurries over to him eagerly).
Erik (shakes his head at her astonishing dimness as he helps her in the boat. She places her hand in the water as he pulls away): Watch out for the crocs, Christine! (Puts on a mock Australian accent).
Christine (she lets out a piercing scream, pulls her hand from the water and cowers against him to avoid being near the water): C-c-c-c-c-c-crocs?
Erik (He laughs and continues in a ridiculous Australian accent): Yes pet, they'll bite your hand off and feast at such a delicacy!
Christine (another shriek).
Erik: Don't even get me started on the piranhas.
Christine (begins to chant softly to herself): I'm going to die, I'm going to die, I'm going to die...and Erik's voice has gone all strange (recoils from Erik violently, falling from the little boat in her thrashing).
Erik: Christine! I said watch out for the crocs! (He steps off the boat and pulls her out of the water that is conveniently only two feet deep).
Christine: Erik! That! Wasn't! Funny! Why you...bastard! (Tries to hide her guilt at uttering such a word...again).
Erik: My dear, you are the one who made a scene. All you had to do was remove your hand from the water. Besides, there are no crocodiles in this lake... only piranhas.
Christine: Damn it Erik! (She pulls herself from his grasp and runs blindly off into the tunnels, sobbing with frustration).
Erik (chuckles darkly): Christine, I told you five minutes ago; you can run, but never escape. (He gives her a ten second head start before stepping into the shadows to retrieve his insane wife).
Christine: Fine, Erik! (Backs herself against a stone wall and glares at his approaching figure) I'll just go back to Raoul, and we'll live happily ever after...
Erik (his eyes turn a menacing yellow): You and I both know, my dear, that it is I who you will always run back to. That boy could never satisfy you the way I do. (With that he pulls her into a fierce, but tender kiss, showing her all of the love he holds for her).
Christine: Erik! (She pushes him away) There's a time and a place!
Erik: Yes darling, this is my time and my place. We are in my domain, after all. Who is going to witness any of this? I am merely a man kissing his beautiful wife. Now dammit, let me be a man and ravish your mouth!
Christine: Raoul would never have-oh my God! Oh my God! Ohy my God! Erik...look!
Erik (he pauses from the kiss): Woman! Never say his name while we are at snog factor five!
Christine: No seriously! There's...a...wasp! It's...oh god! It's on your back! Don't you see it? Please Erik...please kill it!
Erik (a look of confusion spreads across his masked visage as he tries to look at his back): Damn it all. What in the bloody hell is a wasp doing all the way down here! Christine, where is it! I can't see it!
Christine: OH God...it's flying towards me! Erik...help me! Erik please kill it! It's...oh my gosh it's on me! (Trembles and resists the urge to slap the insect, meanwhile it buzzes angrily).
Erik (fumbles for Punjab): I'll get it Christine! I'll protect you!
Christine: Erik...just...just hit it with...something. (Wasp becomes trapped in Christine's hair and begins to buzz even more angrily at being stuck).
Erik (attempts to whip it to death with Punjab): Just hold still Christine. This may hurt.
Christine (the wasp begins to bite because it cannot free itself): Oh forget it! (Throws herself to the ground and rolls over and over on the floor, trying to squish the wasp).
Erik (stops beating Christine's head with the Punjab and starts laughing as Christine rolls on the ground): Did you get it?
Christine (finally the wasp is sufficiently squashed, Christine jumps up and aims a kick towards Erik's nether regions).
Erik (twists her arm behind her back and pushes her against the wall): And just what do you think you're doing?
Christine: Repaying you for being such an insensitive jerk! (Struggles viciously).
Erik (pushes her more forcefully against the wall): In what way was I being "an insensitive jerk" as you so eloquently put it, Madame?
Christine: Why did you start hitting me around the head with that horrible lasso? I asked you to kill the wasp, not beat me around the head with a piece of useless rope and then laugh at me when I actually tried to kill the thing myself. (She looks over his shoulder and her defiant expression is replaced with one of absolute horror). Um… Erik?
Erik: What is it now?
Christine: We've got a bit o' trouble.
Erik: WHAT is it, Christine?
Christine (wordlessly points to an enormous wasp nest about ten feet away; an ominous buzzing is emanating from it).
Erik (he holds her close and whispers in her ear): It's very important you do as I say Christine. You must listen to my every order, do you understand?
Christine: Yes, Erik, I understand. (Presses closer, face white with fear).
Erik (in a tone of all encompassing seriousness): I need you to run down the passage, flapping your arms like a madman and yell "Wig! It's a Wig!"
Christine: Yes, Erik. (Rushes off in the wrong direction yelling "Wigwigwigwigwig!")
Erik (hears the wasps bizzing and buzzing about in a dangerous manner): Christine, you silly girl! Get back here or I shall lose you prematurely to a hoard of wasps! And I don't have the time to punch every single wasp in the face in an act of revenge!
Christine (Turns around and retreats back down the hallway, still screaming "Wig!").
Erik: You can stop saying that now. It hurts my head.
Christine: Yes, Erik.
Erik: I think we should retire for the evening. All this wasp and crocodile nonsense has made me a weary old man.
Christine (Climbs awkwardly into the boat and beckons to Erik): Yes, my love, we should go back. Surely you aren't too weary to...reaffirm our marriage tonight?
Erik (jumps like a gazelle in the boat next to her and growls low into her ear): Never. Let's get you out of those wet clothes, eh?
Christine: Mhmm...(Smiles coyly) I wouldn't want to catch cold and injure my voice.
Erik (begins to undress her in the boat while suckling her neck): No, no we mustn't have any of that. What a crime indeed for an angel to lose her voice.
Christine (lifts her head just enough to speak): I'd prefer not to be an angel just now, Erik love.
Erik (lifts his head away from her and cocks an eyebrow): What ever are you talking about, my love? You are not making sense. You are an angel in the purest sense. And you are my angel.
Christine: Let us be earthly tonight, Erik. Just this once.
Erik: You have confused this Opera Ghost, Christine. Not an easy feat, I assure you.
Christine (becomes increasingly frustrated): Erik...I'm trying to tell you that I don't wish to be...pure. Tonight.
Erik: You do not wish to make the birds and the bees tonight? I am losing my patience Christine. Tell me exactly what it is you want!
Christine: Erik...I want...I want you to...I want us to...engage in...married-people-activities...oh what the hell! I want you to make love to me, right here in this boat and I refuse to let you hold back! NO tears, no self-pity, and no self-loathing! I want you, you beautiful idiot!
Erik (a goofy grin spreads over his face): Well why didn't you just say so? Erik will have what is his. Right here. In this boat. And I promise you will not find me gone in the morning this time... there is no where for me to run away to hide my shame. Now lay back, darling love, and let your spirits soar.
Christine (A very non-angelic smile breaks over her face).