AN: Thank you to Jezyfic for the beta and Jez, Liz, Christina, Sarah and Kim for the support mid process.
Knowing
He sees it, the tiredness in her eyes, the wrinkles that are ever so slightly appearing on her face, the small weight gain, but rather than cooling his feelings for her and proving all those whispers about the lust he felt for his partner right, these things deepen his conviction that he is and all always will be in love with Olivia Benson.
Of course he finds her beautiful. Honestly, he still finds her really hot too and there have been times, actually more often as of late when he'd have given his job just to take her back to her place and show her exactly how fucking stunning he had always thought she was.
But these changes in her have sparked new feelings in him as well, they make him see her as more of a wife than a girlfriend or a possible lover as it's only a wife that you get to see grow older in front of you while still being in love with them. Or at least that's the way it's supposed to be in his mind. It confuses him that he doesn't feel a fraction of what he feels for Olivia when he looks at the woman who actually bears his ring.
He doesn't have the words to describe the ache in his chest that hits him when he realizes at the end of the day that she's not actually the woman he's married to. Huang would have a field day if he ever knew how many times in recent months he's almost introduced her to people, vics, witnesses, even perps as Olivia Stabler without a second thought, catching himself just shy of saying the words and freaking himself the fuck out in the process.
Her changing shape is also a reminder of the things she's lost, that he's been unable to give her. Kathy's shape had changed after she'd had each of their five babies and then again recently. He hadn't commented on it, but his wife had caught him staring and explained that the premenopausal pounds seemed to be plaguing her and that she'd been trying to work them off at the gym. He'd half-heartedly told her she looked fine, but his thoughts had been with Olivia.
He knew Olivia wanted children, remembered the stilted conversation they'd had about embryos two and a half years ago, how he'd said that he would do anything to help her. He had just barely been able to keep himself from offering to be her sperm donor, and he'd regretted not saying it everyday since. He knew it would have been the end of his marriage, a marriage that at the time he'd only just reconciled, but the guilt that ate at him when he saw Olivia with children now was indescribable and he worried that instead of getting the chance to watch her body change with the promise of a life they had created together, he was watching her surrender another dream to time.
The pain of his failures had been made worse by the Calvin situation. He'd hidden it with harsh words, but he desperately wanted to protect her, .He'd seen Vivian for what she was, a person of interest Olivia had been the one to question, a victim by association that Olivia had been the one to counsel about her past, a child of rape whom Olivia had felt compelled to help, but mostly, a woman unable to deal with her past and fueled by drugs who was so angry that she wanted to hurt anyone she could, her father, herself, and eventually Olivia. And she'd used Calvin to do it.
He'd been happy watching the woman he loved interact with the shy and kind boy, they seemed to him to be a match, both yearning for some place to belong and finding a fast family in each other. But he had also worried for her, she'd thrown herself completely into being Calvin's mother, not his guardian, but his mother, sometimes taking more of her workday to focus on Calvin than on the cases they were working and becoming so distracted at times that her behavior became unpredictable, putting herself in danger and at risk of losing her job while scaring the shit out of him the process. All in an effort to protect a child she'd thought of as hers, but whom he had a feeling was only hers as long as Vivian was lucid enough to remember why she'd left Calvin there.
The overwhelming need he saw in her to protect Calvin was one he recognized from different points in his life with his own children and he couldn't deny that a small part of him had felt the same tie to Calvin, though he never let himself show it other than in a quick game of rock, paper, scissors before it all went to hell. He understood the bond she felt though, understood the reasons for her unpredictability, her intense desire to be a parent. And, he, in the deepest part of his heart had wished that if God wasn't going to let him give her a baby, that at least He might let him help Olivia raise Calvin. But for the most part, he'd tried to distance himself, because he loved her too much to not be there if the bottom fell out of the situation, and he could only be there for her if he wasn't falling into the abyss of grief along with her.
So he'd done the only things he could think of, asking her how long she intended on playing mommy, turning in the swab he'd accidentally stumbled on when closing her desk, and being a general asshole. It had broken his heart to take that attitude, to once more be seen as cruel in her eyes. He'd felt the pain of every wince she'd shown at each remark, at each flustered reply she'd given, but he'd do it again if it meant she'd continue to have someone, besides herself, to lay her anger and blame on for the way the situation had played out in the end
He'd slipped up at one point though, Vivian had gotten in Olivia's face, taunting her in a voice so vicious and strident that he'd known the woman's insults were not due totally to an unthinking high. He'd also known how much time it would take for Olivia to recover from the words hurled at her by her unstable counterpart, so when Vivian had, in a moment of self depreciation, told Olivia that she could have Calvin if they left her and her girlfriend to get high, he'd let go of his restraint and told the woman he loved that it was her choice, that if she had truly wanted to leave without their suspect, he would give his job and his reputation to make her happy, to help her keep what he had failed to give her, to make amends for when he left her and their future together for a little boy, now three, who to this day, he doubted was his.
But she hadn't given in, hadn't seemed as willing to sell her soul for her own happiness as he had been to stake his to ensure that she smiled that same smile that she had when he and Calvin were playing rock, paper, scissors, for the rest of her life. She'd been more honorable that day and every day that he'd known her, than anyone else he'd ever met, but that honor came at too high a cost.
It was one of the reasons he'd refused to respond at all to Courtney's taunts while he was undercover, it wasn't just that she reminded him of his daughter, though he'd latched on to that as a diversion. In truth though, his refusal to answer her was born out of the desire to embody that same sense of dignity and honor that Olivia had. He refused to share what he felt for her, even in defense of himself, until he could share it with her. He'd come close to telling Huang all those years ago, so close that the words had been on the tip of his tongue...and then he'd lost her. When she'd returned, he'd told himself he'd tell her and only her how he felt when the time was right. And just like he'd watched her carry the weight of Calvin with grace, he would carry the weight of his feelings with all the strength he possessed
He just hoped she knew, that somehow in her soul, the place the church taught him would live forever, that she knew she was his world, his beauty, his soul mate, his equal, his love forever. That she'd understand what he couldn't say but had and would always feel, until he could tell her.
His knees are hurting him and his back aches, she sees it when he gets up from a long stint of doing paperwork. The lines on his face are more pronounced and she guesses he'll need glasses before long, but instead of making him less attractive in her eyes, she falls deeper in love with him with every wrinkle, cherishes that no matter what they've been through, it's Elliot Stabler she is growing old with.
He is also sexy as hell, she'd have to be dead not to notice that, His his smile makes her blush to the point of occasional obvious embarrassment, the soft voice he uses when he was is in a good mood made her insides quiver and his body, especially in recent years, makes her wish more than anything that she could bend her personal moral code for even just one night and invite him up to her apartment for drinks and to her bed for more.
The changes in him have also brought other realizations for her. She worries, even struggles with the occasional nightmare about his knees giving out on him while he's running in a dangerous situation, his back spasming while in a fight for his life with a perp, his eyes not seeing the flash in the dark that would mean the difference between life and death. She had always known she couldn't carry him if he was ever hurt badly enough that he was unable to walk and they needed to keep moving, but until now she had never imagined a situation in which she might have to and it fucking terrified her. Not only because she knew she couldn't do it, but because if he ever fell due to a wound, she would react as a wife, not a partner. Tears would fall on her cheeks when she needed to be calm and keep a clear head. She was going to would lose it if he was ever hurt badly enough that she might suffer his loss, there was no doubt in her mind She also knew with certainty that if he was taken from her, she would feel like his widow and that scared the fuck out of her only a little less than his death.
Of course she'd be kidding herself if she convinced her mind that it was only in these nightmares that he felt like her husband. In truth, he had felt like a spouse for about twelve years, perhaps more like a boyfriend for seven and husband for five, she wasn't exactly sure, nor did she want to really look that deeply at her psyche, but that sounded about right.
She's barely dated over the years, only occasionally going to coffee or drinks with nice guys who should have been good matches, but seemed to never be quite right. It wasn't really her feelings for Elliot that had stopped her from dating though, marriage yes, she had known long ago she would be married to Elliot Stabler or not married at all, but she'd thought dating and long term living arrangements, minus the time Kurt Moss had offered, had been on the table until the past year had made her realize they never had been or ever would be.
Dean Porter had been called in on a case and though they'd left things rather uncertain between them three years earlier, she'd been glad to see him. He was an occasional date and a one night bed partner, the night Elliot had told her he was going back to his pregnant wife to be exact, and she'd enjoyed that there had been some lingering chemistry between she and the FBI agent.
And then he'd taken the shot at Rojas while she was still in the confused criminal's arms and she'd been surprised and irked, but had understood and was ready to pick herself shakily up off the ground, grateful that she was still alive, and go about her job. Even perhaps still see Porter for drinks that night.
Everything had changed the moment Elliot had come running toward her, screaming her name in a tortured tone she knew all too well from her own lips the times he'd been injured. He had cradled her close to him, soothing her with his tone even as he asked if she was hurt, cupping her head to his chest when she'd answered negatively. And in that moment, she'd realized she'd have never let herself be serious with anyone else no matter how loudly parts of her brain wanted to reject that notion as self defeating. And that consequently, dating was kind of waste, though she enjoyed the company of men.
She realized too that she'd come to this decision not because Elliot was jealous of Dean, or because she felt uncomfortable with what Dean had done or because there were no good guys out there, but because she could count on Elliot to put her first, to hold her and comfort her as much she knew she could depend on the way he respected her prowess and equal skill in the field. And he'd raced to her of his own free will, there had been no expectations, no duties that had compelled him to do such a thing. She understood fully, for the first time, that she had what most women craved, a man who was by their side without prompting and with a gentleness whose effects lasted on her skin for hours after he had touched her. He was what she needed.
And as she made that choice to end her search elsewhere, she had been disappointed, but had known it was the right one for her, whether she could have Elliot in truly the way she wanted or not.
The choice seemed to be echoed in the last conversation she'd had with Dean. He had explained his orders to clean up a murder and though she was angry at what he'd done and felt he deserved to be punished, by the end of it all, she had resigned herself to the fast that he wouldn't be. Another murderer on the government payroll.
She wanted nothing to do with him in those moments, but something inside her just had to find out what value their relationship had held for the man. And when Porter said that their feelings hadn't mattered, she'd known once and for all how truly unique Elliot Stabler was. He put her, time and time again, before his job and before himself, but never before his family and to her that was what mattered in a man, what mattered in the one she was to love for a lifetime.
In the past year, she'd begun to really cherish the simple things. She continued to enjoy sitting with him, even in absolute silence, eating late night meals from take out containers and seeing him in the gray sweatshirt they seemed to be sharing. It was comfortable, reassuring, and it settled her, though she'd never admit to anyone that she was that fucking sappy.
Weeks ago, they'd be sitting in an interview room jointly questioning and counseling a teen and she'd had a flash of what life could be like if the fates had been kinder to them. Elliot was wearing the gray sweatshirt again, having ruined the day's suit and she'd been wearing an outfit that was more causal than her usual, and for a moment, it had dawned on her that they might have looked to an observer like the young woman's parents.
The thought had at once warmed her and chilled her to the bone. She wanted a child yes, but the emotion she felt at that moment was far more than an indistinct yearning, this was the memory of another child, another child whose looks had eerily matched that of she and her partner.
Calvin. She had first bonded with the little boy accidentally when trying to get information from his mother, but it was no more and no less than she'd done with countless children over the years, most of whom, like Calvin, came from homes when they were barely hanging on to some sort of a normal life in the face of a parent swallowed by addiction. And like all of those children, she'd wanted in some part of her heart to help him, but realistically, she had known she couldn't and had instead tried to make things easier on him by helping his mother.
So it had come as a shock to her when Calvin had been dropped off literally on one of her doorsteps soon after, though she realized later, a part of her brain had somehow known what was coming. When she'd come into the bullpen that day and had seen Calvin at her desk and had opened the envelope Elliot had handed her, however, she hadn't had any idea in fucking hell how she was going to deal with it. And it was that fact which made her understand and respect the concern written on Elliot's face.
But as she'd made up the couch after getting the exhausted boy home and settled into the big bed late that night, she had started to believe that maybe she could do this, that maybe she could provide a home for the little boy who reminded her so much of herself. She thought they'd just have to get on a schedule.
With this thought in mind, she'd thrown herself headlong into parenting, believing that if she just gave the boy some boundaries and stability along with time and affection, she could give him the life he needed and fulfill the role of true parent her own mother had failed to fill for her.
But things hadn't been as straightforward as she'd envisioned Her years of interviewing kids hadn't prepared her for all that Calvin required. As she spent more and more time dealing with Calvin's needs either at home or at school, she began to fall behind at work, and she noticed worry ever more steadily creasing Elliot's brow, but she loved him all the more, because he stayed silent as long as he could, even when she knew he shouldn't have, to give her the chance he'd always had… to be a parent.
She'd known the last week that Calvin had been with her that it had gotten out of hand. She wasn't really working at all anymore even when she was at the station because the week she'd spent heavily invested in Dana's case had proved to be too many hours of work for the babysitter Olivia had managed to find and she had been unable to find another since the woman had quit.
She had gotten to the point then when she'd known something had to change permanently and she was contemplating quitting her job or, at least taking a leave of absence, when Elliot had gently, but firmly splashed a cold dose of reality in her face, by asking her how much longer she was going to continue to play mother to Calvin. The words had stung, but as always Elliot had been the one willing to risk her wrath in order to bring the truth to light. It had again hurt when Elliot had turned the DNA swab in and she'd given him lip for it, but in the aftermath of that moment, the world seemed to little by little right itself again, as though she was just becoming aware that her perceptions had been tilted slightly.
She'd just become used to the fact that all was not as it seemed when Elliot had told her, in the dirty underground rat hole that served as Vivian's current residence, that he would stake his career to help her keep Calvin, that he would swear they'd never seen Vivian if that was what she wanted. And it was then she knew she couldn't do it, because no matter what she wanted, she knew what she couldn't fathom, and that was to make Elliot pay the price in order to get it.
For a while though, she'd thought that it might be possible to have the best of both worlds, to have Elliot help her with Calvin for as long as he stayed as well as having him there remind her of the limits of the situation. She had been even more convinced that Elliot would be there for both of them when she saw them playing rock paper scissors together. She'd felt the biggest smile of her life spread across her face as she watched them play out a match, not only because Calvin was having a good time, but because the man she wished as a father for him was providing that experience for him, and even though it had all gone to shit in the moments after that game, she couldn't help but be grateful for that one moment when she'd had what she'd wanted. A family with the man she loved.
Several weeks after Calvin had been taken and a few weeks after the interrogation with the young woman that had made her remember, she'd hit rock bottom, missing Calvin despite knowing the situation, even if she could get him back, was impossible with her career. She'd taken to cursing her life and even Elliot, swearing to anyone who knew her well enough to know how she felt about Elliot that she now wanted a child but not with him, that he had his own family and that she emphatically deserved to be happy, whatever way she could.
She still struggles with those feelings, but as her grief shifted in her heart with the passage of time, she remembered her strength and her will to survive and her head began to clear. And the image clearly imprinted in her mind once she could focus was the way Elliot had held her in the squad room the day Calvin was gone. He'd been unconcerned with onlookers, with Cragen, with Fin or Munch, he'd been there holding her and trying to ground her to keep her from slipping further into the river of pain he seemed to know could drown her. He'd let her go tend to the distraught boy who was begging to be held one last time, but he hadn't left, he'd remained there, a few steps behind her, a barrier against the onslaught of solitary grief she feared would destroy her even more quickly than she'd first thought due to the child's screams for her.
She knows that women who have lost living children struggle with doing activities that that they once did with their families and Olivia understands that phenomenon acutely now. She can't stand being in her apartment at all now, it feels too quiet, so she's taken to staying late at work and sleeping in the cribs to avoid it. Elliot notices she knows, though he gives her space and doesn't push. There are times though when she catches him looking, wondering, and she's stunned, that he's still here that he hasn't distanced himself, that he still looks at her the same way. She knows now that the only man she wants to have a child with is the man who still looks her in the eye after the child she once had is gone. She wants to share the ultimate joy with him because he was the one who tried to ease the pain no one can heal.
She hopes that someday, even if it's too late, she can tell him all the reasons why she would have wanted his child, and that perhaps, even without children, she might be free to say the words to him that she holds in her heart. For now, she hopes with everything she is that he somehow knows that he is her other half, the most handsome man she has ever seen, her steadying force, her equal, her love and that he knows he will forever be.