A/N: This is a Family Guy/Suite Life Crossover. If you are easily offended by comedy, then please don't read this. This is full of satire, and if you have sensitive skin and are any of the following, please don't read this. I don't want to be considered a prejudiced person, I just like real world comedy. This is M rated, only T right now so you can read about this and decide whether to continue. This is for people who like hard comedy mixed with some real world themes. So if you are any of the following, and get offended easily, please don't read this.

Religious, Atheist, Democrat, Republican, Liberal, Conservative, young, old, educated, uneducated, tall , short, fat, skinny, American, not American. Basically, if you get offended easily, something here will offend you, and you will get mad. So if you're brave enough to bear with satire, please read this. If not, you might want to leave right now.

Quahog, Rhode Island

"Now listen Peter, you can't just quit. I wrote about your stupid life story and you repay me by quitting just as we were going to do a Christmas special!"

"Sorry, Seth. It's just how it works. If I don't get my monkeys, I quit!"

"Why in hell would you want a monkey? You have a talking dog, a hot wife, and a diabolical baby! What in the name of God do you want?"

"I have Chris and Meg. Need I say more?"

(pause) "Why don't you take the evil monkey in Chris's closet? I can retrain it and make it like something you'd want?"

Peter looked at Seth as if he was crazy. "I'm not talking about a monkey, you #%&$! I'm talking about a Monkee, as in a member from the Monkees. You know, pop rock band, Monk and two e's. Monkee?"

Seth rolled his eyes, and picked up the phone. "Yeah? This is Seth McFarlane. I need Mickey Dolenz in Rhode Island. Two days? Fine."

He put down the phone and glared at Peter. "I hope you're happy!"

Peter shook his head. "I am not! I want all the Monkees."

"I can't get all the Monkees for you Peter! Only Mickey!"

"Then you won't be getting Family Guy if I can't get the Monkees. I QUIT!"

Peter stormed out of the building, and marched all the way home. Seth watched him leave as he got the Griffins' contract out. He ripped it up into shreds, and threw it in the garbage. He picked up the phone once more. "Alex? Call Cleveland."

Peter ran into the house and banged the door behind him. "Guys, I have great news!"

Everyone scrambled to their places on the couch. "What is it, Peter?" Lois asked tentatively. She knew this couldn't be good.

"We are free! I quit Family Guy!"

The whole family gasped. Meg started screaming, Chris started crying, and Lois gave Peter a tough look.

"Peter, what the hell is wrong with you? We got national fame for the show, and we made a ton of money. Now we're unemployed and I don't want to start digging into my retirement benefits early!"

Peter crossed his arms across his bulky chest and glared back at Lois. "Now now Lois. You know that if Sarah Palin had her way, you'd never retire. Better to retire early than to retire never."

"Peter, you idiot! It's better late than never. And besides, the show was important to us. We got national fame and loads of merchandise dedicated to us because of that. Why did you quit?"

Peter started to bawl on the floor. "Well, Seth wouldn't give me the Monkees!"

Lois kicked him as Brian and Stewie walked into the room. "Peter Griffin, you are the biggest idiot I know!" With that, Lois stormed out.

Stewie looked at his crying father on the floor. "Oh my god! The fat man's an idiot! No way! Hey Brian can you believe the fat man's an idiot?"

Brian looked at Stewie strangely. He was going to give him the revelation all Family Guy fans had since the movie. "Stewie, you know that you've become less homicidal and more, um gay."

Stewie gave Brian a look that could only mean trouble. His right eye started twitching uncontrollably, and he took a step towards the baseball bat lying near him. In a soft, toxic tone, he replied, "What…did…you…say?"

Brian looked at him and slowly started moving backwards. "No-no-nothing."

Stewie grabbed the bat and started smacking it against his palm. "No Brian, say it."

Brian took another careful step backwards. "Well, I was just remarking that you stopped being so homicidal. I mean at one point, all you cared about was killing Lois and taking over the world, and now, you've become so much like a fashion designer. A gay fashion designer."

Stewie gave him one innocent look, and immediately jumped on him with the bat. He started beating Brian the way Dubya got spanked by Karl Rove every time he said nucular.

"Oh my god! Stewie, what the hell are you doing." Brian started screaming at the top of his lungs and tried to whack Stewie with his paw, but it was no use. Stewie taped his mouth shut quickly, and continued to beat him. Blood pooled around Brian's limp, unconscious body, and he was black and blue.

Stewie chucked the bat out the window, and washed his hands, which were covered in Brian's blood. He saw Lois coming down, so he immediately jumped into his high chair and grabbed his fork.

"My god, what does it take to get some freaking service here! It takes as long as a California traffic light!"

Stewie waited for a couple of seconds, clearly hoping a flashback would appear. "What the deuce? No flashback? Very well, Seth McFarlane. You've pushed me over the edge. No more gay little songboy. No more! Today, Stuart Gilligan Griffin returns to his old ways. The matricidal ways. DIE LOIS DIE!"

Stewie nearly jumped out of his chair in emphasis, and quickly noticed a new toy. "A toy cellphone? For me? My god, you didn't have to! Oh my god, wait until the boys at the daycare hear about this!"

He jumped out (this time for real) and started to mess around with his new toy. Suddenly, he shook himself out of it. "Blast! Seth McFarlane did it again. Well, Seth, I promise you, from now on, I won't succumb to this temptation! I will find a way to kill you, the world, and most of all, LOIS!"

Stewie laughed maniacally until he started to cough, which caused him to fall down and just sleep on the floor.

Lois strolled into the living room with the laundry. Although she loved Peter very much, he had ruined their lives once again.

Lois threw back her head and sighed. Oh Peter, if only there was another chance/ Please go back to Seth, and pray he takes us back.

Suddenly, the phone rang. Lois glanced lazily at the telephone until she saw who was on the caller ID. It was Seth MacFarlane.

"Seth?" Lois nervously spoke into the phone.

"Lois, how are you? I just wanted to let you know that Peter quit the show today, so he in effect made all of you quit. You, Brian, Stewie, Chris and Meg."

"I'm so sorry, Mr. MacFarlane. Peter had no idea what he was doing. He was just being immature. Can we reverse the situation?"

Seth grinned. He had the perfect plan. "Of course Lois. I was just going to offer to send your family on a cruise for a week, to see if Peter changes his mind after that."

Lois gasped, obviously pleased. "Of course Seth. We accept!"

"Great, I'll send you the details by the end of the day. Have fun!"

Lois got off the phone, and threw her hands back and rested her legs on the new coffee table. Things were quite rosy after all.

Meanwhile, on the other side of town, Seth McFarlane had just hung up his phone. He turned around to Cleveland and gave him a shake of the head.

"No can do, Clevo. Peter's staying on. We're keeping you in Virginia."

Cleveland's slow eyes drooped slowly. "But Seth, I live in the South. Do you realize how bad it is to be a northern black man in the South? It's almost as bad as being an atheist among evangelists."

They waited patiently, tapping their toes and then texting. After about 3 minutes, Cleveland turned to Seth and asked, "Seth, what happened with the flashbacks?"

"Don't know Cleveland. Alex probably has been messing around with it recently. I'll fix it soon."

Cleveland nodded. He waited a few seconds before he could reply. "Well, at least we agree that right wing evangelists are crazy."

"Oh yeah, definitely. But Clevo, I can't take you out of Virginia."

Cleveland rolled his eyes. "But Seth, all black people hate me because I'm a black northerner, and all white people hate me, well, have you ever been to the South?"

Seth put his hands up as if to defend himself. "Trust me Clevo, I know. The South is a nasty place. Not Kentucky, they're too much to the West. But hey, in the North, you'll have to deal with all those nerd Asians who are going to kick Clevo Jr.'s ass in school."

Cleveland nodded, as if to show he understood. "Yeah, those Asians are too smart. Can I move to Richmond or someplace else?"

"Sorry Clevo. I can't move you, religious zealots or racism or regionalism. However, if you want, I can put you and your family on a cruise, the same as the one Peter's going on. I'll also call Joe and Quagmire. Joe can bring Bonnie and his little girl, and Quagmire can bring whatever three chicks he's with. Deal?"

Cleveland nodded, nearly expressing enthusiasm. "Yay. Now I'm going to tell everyone."

As soon as Cleveland left, Seth did a Kevin Brown and punched his arm into the wall. "Damn it! Now I'm paying for all my stars to go on a stupid cruise. I got to ask Wilfred for a favor." He snorted at his own joke. "A favor. What kinda favor?" He batted his eyes and winked. Then, after scarring you for life, Seth picked up the phone and made a call, as he muttered, "I'm so using that next season."