Bleed White

SUMMARY: In childhood, Rubedo and Albedo always had each other's arms to protect themselves from life's nightmares. Alas, there are some nightmares one never escapes.

GENRE: Drama/Horror
RATED: R / M
NOTABLE CONTENT: Gory/Disturbing Scenes, Strong Language, & Sexual Content *
PAIRING(S): Rubedo/Albedo

COPYRIGHT NOTE: I don't own Xenosaga, or the below Biblical passage
STORY TAKES PLACE IN: Pre-Miltian Conflict

COMMENTS: Another 3-chapter-long miniseries of mine. This being my 10th Xenosaga fanfic, I wanted to return to my roots of nightmare-writing, once again digging into the dark sides of Rubedo and Albedo's relationship. Just to be clear, this fanfic is meant to be more of a psychological/psychosexual horror, instead of a monster-based horror. Plus, this fic was partially inspired by my very first Xenosaga story, "PATHOS," but I assure you this tale stands alone by itself. Enjoy!

* Content Disclaimer: Ch.1 is generally mild. However, Chs.2+3 will involve some gruesomeness, potentially disturbing scenes, and sexual content (but this story isn't lemon-style-explicit, so it should meet FFnet's guidelines). This fanfic is twincest, meaning underage incest/slash. There's no way of me knowing how sensitive individual readers are, but as the author, I don't recommend this fic for young readers. If gore and/or twincest bother you, thanks for your inquiry, but you're not obligated to read on. Reader discretion is advised.

"Come now, let us set things right, says the Lord;
"Though your sins may be like scarlet, they may become white as snow;
"Though they be crimson red, they may become white as wool.
"If you are willing, and obey, you shall eat the good things of the land;
"But if you refuse and resist, the sword shall consume you:
"For the mouth of the Lord has spoken!" (Isaiah 1:18-20)

Bleed White

Aiselne Nocturnus

Part I – Bed of Rose

He had these dreams – nightmares – periodically. The boy would find himself alone in a dark unknown place: a netherworld void without an entrance or exit. No logic, no light, and no anything, existed here; just him and this nonsensical projection of imaginary subconscious. Alone.

Albedo did not want to be alone.

"Rubedo?"

The white-haired U.R.T.V. did not know why he bothered uttering his twin's name. Rubedo already sensed his presence across their mental link, and he knew why his younger brother drew near. Even late at night, in the pitch darkness of their room, each twin was perpetually aware of his other. There were no need for words, and yet Albedo found himself asking for permission out of sheer reflex. Even then, there was no obligation for him to ask, because Rubedo already scooted aside to give Albedo the right portion of his cot. Seconds after the last syllable escaped his lips, bed sheets already covered Albedo's neck-down, with Rubedo's warm chest as his pillow.

"That's the fourth time this week," Rubedo quietly noted, sleepiness minutely distorting the concern in his voice. Resting his chin atop Albedo's disheveled white hair, the older brother released a disheartened sigh. "What's going on, Albedo? You never used to have this many nightmares."

It was not uncommon for Albedo to sporadically have bad dreams, but four nightmares in one week were excessive even for him. At first, Rubedo wondered if Albedo was just concocting excuses for him to share his twin's bed. The Variant boys shared one large bed when they were younger, but in recent years they were given separate rooms, yielding separate cots. Being so attached to Rubedo, Albedo disfavored such arrangements, and often finagled ways of sneaking into Rubedo's room.

It was true that Rubedo felt most comfortable sleeping next to his other half. However, it was also true that the boys were entering adolescence and could no longer heed childishness. For naïve little kids to sleep together was considered innocent. Alas, U.R.T.V.s were bioweapons created to be anything but naïve little kids. Even without the U.R.T.V. technicalities, Rubedo and his brothers were rapidly exiting the age group appropriate for being dubbed "little kids." The link master already boasted the best wavelength and most impressive developmental skills, so the likelihood of Rubedo hitting puberty long before Albedo and Nigredo was not improbable. His hormones were already undergoing a crash-course with Sakura Mizrahi. Nowadays, the redhead no longer considered the idea of bed-sharing to be as innocent as he once believed. Maturity came with a price. As eldest and the leader, it was Rubedo's responsibility to encourage Albedo to grow up, whether Albedo – or Rubedo – liked it or not.

Still, that never meant Rubedo entirely ignored Albedo. A big brother's guardianship never ended, no matter how old he became. Obligations aside, the red-haired leader inherently watched over his siblings. Via their mental link, Rubedo sensed the differences between when Albedo was scared, and when Albedo was fibbing to gain his twin's attention. No matter how excessive Albedo's nightmares seemed, Rubedo felt his right heart throbbing, sending shivers and anxieties throughout his small body. He felt Albedo's genuine terror; the younger brother was not faking. Frankly, matters would be easier if Albedo was indeed faking. If these profuse nightmares were real, then what the hell caused them?

"Does this have something to do with…?" The redhead paused, unable to continue without chewing his lip for a millisecond. What Rubedo was about to ask regarded a topic that was exceptionally sensitive with Albedo, and even with himself. But being the braver brother, the question was inevitable. "…To do with what happened the other day?"

Albedo did not answer. He could not answer. Instead, he just coiled his arms around the redhead's waist.

What happened the other day. The link master spoke with such caution, censoring his words as though he were discussing the vilest topic. Genetically, Rubedo might be the fastest to mature, but contrary to Albedo's babyishness, the younger twin was far from a stereotypical child. Even so, he felt himself cower in the wake of Rubedo's words. This subject was horrible for the twins, something neither wanted to talk or think about anymore than necessary. What happened the other day changed their lives forever. The boys' eyes had been opened to the hourglass imprisoning their destinies. Sooner or later, the sand would drain, and one life would end while the other lived forever in loneliness.

Fate was unfair. The formerly-conjoined twins were always together: in life, in birth, and even before birth. Was it unfitting for them to remain together in death? Rubedo's mortality and Albedo's immortality felt like a sick joke, and indeed, was enough to make Albedo sick. He was sick with fear, sick with anger, sick with sorrow, but ultimately sick with pain.

Fortunately, Albedo had one elixir, and he gluttonously savored Rubedo's presence. He knew his clinginess irked Rubedo, but never knowing when their hourglass would run dry, Albedo held on tighter to his beloved brother. If he could not have Rubedo in death, then he would have as much of Rubedo as life permitted. Besides, Albedo knew Rubedo preferred them to be this way, regardless if the proud link master admitted such. They were originally one, after all.

But right now, neither twin wanted to think about their inevitable heartache. As long as the Reaper kept his distance, the brothers wanted to enjoy whatever time remained. Albedo did not want to think about Rubedo's death anymore, he did not want to cry anymore, and he did not want to feel sick anymore. He just wanted to feel Rubedo's warmth and hear Rubedo's voice. As long as the older brother kept his mouth shut about "what happened the other day," Albedo was content with whatever else Rubedo had to say.

"Don't remind me, Rubedo," requested the younger boy, his voice weak and desperate enough to sound as though he begged for his life. "Just please, don't remind me. I don't want to think about it."

Rubedo did not want to think about it, either. Ironically, claiming one did not want to remember usually meant that deep down, he was remembering. Intentional or unintentional, the link master promptly recalled the source of the boys' turmoil.

The night following Albedo's immortal discovery, the ivory-haired boy cried himself to sleep in Rubedo's arms. Granted, there were many other nights in the past where Rubedo held his crybaby brother, but this time was significantly different. While Albedo eventually exhausted himself into slumber, Rubedo got zero sleep that night. No matter how adamantly he tried to eliminate the unpleasant thoughts, the leader was perpetually haunted by his poor twin's wails.

"Rubedo! Don't leave me behind!"

All night, Rubedo shed silent tears into Albedo's hair, tightly holding his other half and praying to every god for a sign: some solution to his tragic problem. Surely, if Rubedo was the leader, he could find a way so he and Albedo could always be together, right? But as the hours ticked, morning came, and Rubedo had no solution. Albedo did not want Rubedo to leave him behind, but Rubedo did not want to leave Albedo behind, either. But there was no solution, and the twins were utterly helpless in denying destiny. Rubedo hated it.

Furthermore, he hated the reasons why this revelation transpired. Perhaps Albedo would have unearthed the truth, sooner or later. Nonetheless, the reason Albedo learned about his regenerative "gift" was thanks to the brawl with standard U.R.T.V. Number 623. If the standard U.R.T.V.s actually showed Rubedo respect for once in their lives, Albedo would not need to prove Variant superiority, or defend Rubedo's honor, and inevitably beat-up Number 623. And if Rubedo were not the so-called "monster" the standards coined him to be, then maybe none of these events would have happened. Then everyone could continue their daily lives.

"Why are you the leader? You're a monster!"

Rubedo was the leader. Leaders naturally feel responsible for their subordinates. Thus, deep down, Rubedo felt responsible for everything, including the twins' suffering.

"Don't blame yourself, Rubedo."

Sapphire eyes blinking, Rubedo peered downward, meeting his twin's amethysts. Despite the bedroom's darkness, Rubedo's adjusted eyes could see traces of previous tears inside and outside Albedo's eyes. Yet, for however miserable Albedo appeared, he somehow managed to slightly curl the corners of his lips, offering his big brother a weak smile.

"None of this is your fault, Rubedo."

Albedo's reassurance promptly caused Rubedo to scold himself for poorly shielding his thoughts. After all, his nosy little brother sporadically poked around Rubedo's mind. Most telepathic U.R.T.V.s knew better than to stupidly leave their thoughts like an open book. Besides, heavens knew Albedo had enough anxieties clouding his mind, and Rubedo's issues would only compile his problems. A leader's job was also to help his comrades, and right now, Rubedo was doing the opposite to his so-called beloved brother.

"I just…" trailed Rubedo, swallowing a sudden lump in his throat before continuing. "I just don't know what to do." And of course, Rubedo hated to feel helpless. He was too proud to show helplessness, never mind too proud to admit his helplessness. But more so than mere pride, Rubedo hated being unable to help the one he loved most. In the past, some U.R.T.V. missions ended unsuccessfully, costing money and lives. Nevertheless, the link master preferred to fight to the finish…to at least do something, even if the mission was damned to Hell. But when it came to Albedo's condition and the twins' fates, was there anything Rubedo could do?

Albedo felt the same, though a knife twisted in his chest upon seeing Rubedo's forlorn face. The link master was usually quite sure (and full) of himself. Nonetheless, Rubedo almost always wore a confident expression, his voice was in control, and his very aura emanated authority and certainty. Genetically speaking, it was painstakingly obvious that Rubedo was created for the very purpose of being a paragon of leadership. It was even more painstakingly obvious why Albedo revered his other half; the fire-red sun he orbited.

Alas, no matter how amazing Rubedo appeared in Albedo's eyes, the link master was human at heart. When his human limitations surfaced, Rubedo's flawless façade wavered. And because Albedo depended on his brother's stability as his own, whenever Rubedo faltered, Albedo fumbled. The paranoid younger boy believed – without any doubt in his mind – that without Rubedo, Albedo would completely crumble. The galaxy could not exist without its sun. Thus, Albedo did not want to see Rubedo's weaknesses, especially now of all times. Rubedo's anxieties intensified Albedo's. The ivory-haired U.R.T.V. wanted to see his proud, pompous, and perfect Rubedo.

Sadly, even Albedo understood that there was nothing Rubedo could do for him, nothing that could completely erase his pain. The only exception would be if Rubedo suddenly discovered that he was also immortal, and then the boys could illustrate the archaic cliché, "living happily ever after." Such loftiness would be a fantasy come true for Albedo. But after so many disturbing revelations, Albedo realized he was no longer a naïve child. He was obligated to mature, especially if Albedo had any intention of surviving an unimaginable future without his twin. There was nothing Rubedo could do for him.

Then again…

"There is…" Albedo whispered, barely loud enough for Rubedo to overhear. Breaking the silence again, the younger boy locked eyes with his other, fighting back tears with a quivering smile. "There is…one thing you can do, Rubedo."

Almost as desperate as Albedo, Rubedo automatically nodded. If he could not release Albedo from his suffering, then Rubedo would do the next best thing…whatever that "next best thing" may be to Albedo. At this point, no request was too large. It was not uncommon for the twins to do favors for each other. Occasionally, deals would be struck: "you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours," so to speak. But the Variant twins lived so symbiotically that they often repaid each other's debt without realizing. After all, Rubedo and Albedo once shared a body. Doing favors was as natural as their formerly conjoined hearts pumping blood from one twin to another.

Thus, Albedo's arms tightened as much as possible around his twin, only loose enough to prevent Rubedo's discomfort. He pulled himself upward, just enough so his chin could reach the crook of Rubedo's neck, ultimately so Albedo's heart was aligned with the redhead's half. Never again would the twins' hearts be connected as they were before birth, but this togetherness was a fine alternative.

"Just hold me, Rubedo. Don't let them take you away." Liquids pricking the rims of his purple orbs, the white-haired sibling screwed his eyes shut to restrain a whimper. "P-please."

While Rubedo knew he would be unable to fulfill Albedo's ultimate request, the redhead was able to tighten his hold around his other. Firming his embrace triggered more sniffles from Albedo, but Rubedo empathized. As it was, the link master painfully bit his lower lip, doing his damnedest to refrain from crying. Rubedo was Albedo's source of strength, and if he fell to pieces, Albedo would give up entirely. The leader could not expect Albedo to suck it up when Rubedo himself was on the verge of breaking down. If the twins were fated to be separated, the least Rubedo wanted was for his younger brother to learn how to stand on his own two feet.

Sadly, in Albedo's glossy eyes, a life without Rubedo was a life not worth living. He wanted Rubedo. Pecking the redhead's soft neck with a butterfly kiss, Albedo begged, "Please. Take me."

A conglomeration of emotion and shock ascended Rubedo's throat, unexpectedly choking him for a moment. Coughing twice, the boy briefly turned away his head, minutely to avoid hacking in Albedo's hair, but dominantly to hide his reddening face. His heart beating for a variety of reasons, Rubedo's unceremonious reply to Albedo's unprecedented request was, "H-huh?"

Close enough to notice his twin's unease, Albedo raised his head from Rubedo's neck, enough to coerce the redhead to look back into his eyes. Both sets of orbs harbored unshed fluids. Albedo was the notorious crybaby, not Rubedo. Perhaps underneath, the twins were not as different as they seemed. However, seeing tears in Rubedo's eyes terrified Albedo. The ivory-haired twin lacked the self-confidence that came overabundant in Rubedo. Such drove the younger boy to believe that if Rubedo could not handle this situation, there was no hope in Hell for Albedo.

Knowing he could not possibly handle eternal loneliness, Albedo implored again, "Take me with you, Rubedo."

This time around, Rubedo felt his nerves calm, but only for a fraction of a second. While one disturbing possibility was averted, a new – possibly worse – possibility manifested in Rubedo's mind. Briefly stuttering, the link master was afraid to ask, "W-what? What do you mean, Albedo?"

"You know what I mean," confirmed Albedo, feeling his brother's half-heart skip a beat. He was not stupid enough to believe Rubedo would be "happy" with his request, but Albedo did believe his choice would be for the best. "I don't want to be alone."

And Albedo knew Rubedo did not want to be alone, either. There were no guarantees regarding the afterlife. It was possible that come death, Rubedo would be alone in one plane of existence while Albedo lived in the other. U.R.T.V.s were not religious, being Dmitri Yuriev's sacrilege of playing God in order to eventually defy and become a god. They did not believe in any Pearly Gates, and even if Heaven existed, a bioweapons' admission was doubtful. Once his life ended, where would Rubedo go? Nobody knew, but the link master believed he could handle whatever the afterlife threw at him…as long as he had Albedo's hand in his. But without his twin, Rubedo did not feel quite as optimistic. Albedo did not want to be left behind, and Rubedo did not want to leave without his other half.

There was only one option that might keep the twins together forever. If Rubedo truly loved Albedo, why would he not fulfill this dying request? "Please. Do this for me, Rubedo. Take me with you."

On the one hand, Rubedo wanted to do whatever it took to ensure he and Albedo could remain together. But on the other hand, Rubedo severely doubted he could fulfill Albedo's request. If the younger brother was asking what Rubedo thought – feared – knew – he was asking…

"I-I…I can't," Rubedo regretted to say, partially lowering his head. Yes, he would do almost anything for Albedo, but this was nonnegotiable. Never before did Rubedo believe Albedo could ask for the impossible. This was too gargantuan of a request. "I'm sorry, Albedo, but I just can't do that."

Like his brother, Albedo was stubborn. Neither twin relished defeat, nor did he enjoy hearing the word "no." He realized this was a hefty request, and burden, to place on Rubedo's shoulders, but if the situation were reversed, Albedo would happily do the same for Rubedo. For the one he loved with all his heart – the heart that was as much his as it was his twin's – Albedo would do anything for Rubedo.

"Please, Rubedo." Craning his neck, Albedo rose just enough for his lips to caress Rubedo's nearest cheek. In recent years, the maturing redhead attempted to lessen the twins' terms of affection. It was not uncommon for Rubedo to blush, groan, roll his eyes, shove Albedo away, whine, make light of the moment, and so on. But Albedo knew better. The simplest affection was adequate enough to make either twin's heart flutter. In the blink of his glossy eyes, Albedo's lips felt Rubedo's cheek become hot, moist, and salty.

"I said I can't!" the redhead swore, blasting his voice through a tempting sob. Affection may have eased Albedo's heart, but it had the opposite effect on Rubedo's. Every touch was a gift he did not deserve, not when Rubedo did nothing for Albedo's happiness. Did Albedo even realize his endearments continuously chipped Rubedo's heart?

His breathing unsteady and heart pounding for too many reasons, Rubedo's world began to spin out of control. He even pondered his sanity. Surely, this asininity was all a dream. Eventually, Rubedo would awake, Albedo would greet him with a smile, and there would be no talk about death and impossibilities. It was a dream, and Rubedo just needed to wake up.

Wake up! Wake up, Goddammit!

Wide-eyed and losing the grip on his composure, Rubedo once again locked eyes with his twin. Like before, both sets of gemstone eyes glistened with tears. Only this time, his sapphires were the ones filled to their brims.

Why could Albedo not ask for something else – anything else? Years ago, sharing dessert was coined as "a big deal" to the kids, along with choosing who got to sleep with Gaignun, who was "it" in Hide-and-Go-Seek, and so forth. Right now, if Albedo made a trivial request, Rubedo would not hesitate to say yes. Unfortunately, right now, what Albedo requested was no trivial matter. Besides, even if Rubedo were stupid enough to agree to Albedo's ridiculous offer, the younger brother's immortality would prevent results. Truly, Albedo was asking the impossible.

Never before had Rubedo felt so undeniably helpless. He was meant to be the link master, and yet he felt as though he failed miserably: a shitty leader and a shittier brother.

"Why are you the leader? You're a monster!"

Worse than a monster, Rubedo was a failure. Bowing his head yet again, Rubedo was too ashamed with himself to let Albedo see him cry. "How the hell can you p-possibly ask me to do that to you, Albedo?"

Rubedo half-expected his sentimental brother to burst into tears, hopefully even apologize for his idiotic request and take back his words. Instead, just after Rubedo's head bowed, his chin was cupped and lifted. Tear-spilling sapphires unwillingly reunited with Albedo's equally overflowing amethysts. But before the younger twin could resume his role as the emotional Variant, Albedo's other hand wiped away Rubedo's tears, never tending to his own.

Somehow, the so-called crybaby middle child just smiled. "Because I love you. And if it's you…it's okay, Rubedo. This is what I want."

Albedo wanted the impossible and the unthinkable, but he also wanted peace. Perhaps in a way, peace itself was impossible and unthinkable for any U.R.T.V. Did killing machines deserve peace? More and more, Rubedo realized the odds of any Designer Child finding true happiness were slim. Life felt like a rigged game Rubedo had no chances of winning. Was it so much to ask that he at least keep his other half? Sadly, in order for Rubedo to hold onto Albedo forever, he might be obligated to take the younger boy with him. Even if fratricide meant the twins could be together in death…

…I…I…I-I can't just do that to him. I can't!

Never before had Rubedo felt so lost. He could not answer Albedo's request, and he did not want to answer, either. Fortunately, his weepy little brother finally gave into his tears, sobbing into Rubedo's dampening chest. Neither boy wanted to perpetuate this heartbreaking conversation anymore. Even if U.R.T.V.s were more mature than average kids, this pain was too great to handle, even for genetically-enhanced humans.

Just like the night following Albedo's immortality discovery, Rubedo held his twin until the white-haired boy slipped into unconsciousness. Only this time, the red-haired leader's tears eventually lured him into slumber, too, retreating to a world where the nightmares of reality could not follow.

End of Part I of III

A/N: In partial commemoration of "Bleed White," I've posted some of my own U.R.T.V. fanart on DeviantArt. URL links are available on my FFnet profile. Enjoy!

Chapter 2 will probably be posted sometime next week. In the meantime, I'd sincerely appreciate any reviews/comments readers might have. Thanks for reading!