COPYRIGHT NOTE: I don't own Xenosaga, or the Biblical reference mentioned later in this chapter.
COMMENTS: Welcome to the last episode of this twisted miniseries. Like I said in Ch.2's A/N, this chapter should tie together Ch.1 with Ch.2's wacked-out nightmare. Despite how hugely bizarre this little story turned out, I hope readers will enjoy its climax!
* Content Disclaimer: Ch.3 generally has the same warnings of Ch.2, albeit lesser gruesomeness (and a little more sexuality). While not uber-graphic, this episode still contains sexual content: underage/incest/slash, along with suggestions of rape, and related themes. Also, for the potentially sensitive, this chapter has a very brief Albedo-styled sacrilegious reference to the Bible. No religious offence was intended here – I'm just styling Albedo as perversely as he sometimes behaves in canon. Reader discretion is advised.
Bleed White
Aiselne Nocturnus
Part III – Heart of Blood
Rubedo's eyes flew open as he took a heavy gasp, mirroring a formerly-submerged swimmer breaking the surface after holding his breath too long. Crystalline beads trickled down his body, adhering sleepwear to sweat-soaked skin. Gripping bed sheets whilst feverishly trembling, the pantifng redhead desperately attempted to salvage his composure.
Alas, Albedo already noticed.
As before, the twins were still in each other's arms. Albedo's ear to Rubedo's chest, it was not difficult for the younger boy to regard the link master's behavior. The temperature of their shared body heat rose, notably from Rubedo's side. Perpetually paranoid over anything harmful happening to his dear twin, Albedo easily fretted for Rubedo's health. But having ample experience with nightmares of his own, it did not take long for the white-haired boy to identify Rubedo's slumber shaking. Albedo nearly woke up his brother, had Rubedo not beaten him to the punch line.
Lifting his head off Rubedo's puffing chest, Albedo propped up himself on one arm beside his twin, separating the children by the chest-up. His cheek in palm, the younger boy waited a few more seconds for the link master to calm down, before asking the inevitable.
"Are you okay, Rubedo?" Perhaps it was a silly question, but Albedo did not consider his other half's wellbeing to be a trivial matter whatsoever. Bad dreams, themselves, were harmless, but they tended to have long-term effects that could pose problems. He felt his brother's sweat, and he felt Rubedo's heart race and body shake. Albedo never wished harm onto him. "You had a nightmare, too, didn't you?"
The link master considered himself too proud to fall to pieces over a dumb dream. However, this so-called dumb dream was too disturbing to go unnoticed. Never before had Rubedo endured such a horrific vision, too graphic for a kid to ever see. And while U.R.T.V.s were more mature than typical twelve-year-olds, children were still children. Rubedo had limits, though he hated to admit them. Part of him wanted to shrug-off tonight's dream, slap a smirk onto his face, chuckle, and tell Albedo there was nothing to worry about.
Of course, Rubedo could not lie to Albedo. It was not because of brotherhood, but because the red-haired boy was obligated to explain himself. He could feel Albedo discreetly fidgeting, personifying the childish phrase, "ants in one's pants." Except, it was what lied outside, rubbing against his pants, which caused Albedo's discomfort. When Rubedo finally noticed his thighs against Albedo's, and an unexpected, hard throbbing attempting to make its way from the older twin's pants to the other…
Bedsprings squealed. Immediately flipping himself over to his opposite side, the embarrassed Rubedo buried a flushed face into his pillow. What were the odds that this humiliating – as hell – moment was just another dream of Rubedo's? It figured that the one time Rubedo wanted to be dreaming, he was not.
Blinking behind his brother, Albedo waited another moment for Rubedo's possible composure. More confused than anything else, the younger boy felt his own cheeks warm, particularly when he recalled what just transpired. As Albedo tried to make heads or tails of the situation, his tattooed palm lingered downward, caressing where he just felt Rubedo's minute yet noticeable firmness. Only then did the ivory-haired child's heart begin hammering. Albedo was not an idiot. He knew what happened. He just could not believe what happened. Blushing brightly, Albedo locked his glossy purple eyes onto his twin's back.
Rubedo…
Their mental link exchanged the U.R.T.V.s' emotions, not needing words to express their sheepishness. Frankly, Rubedo did not know how the hell he could possibly explain himself after this escapade. Even if the aforementioned escapade was too brief for anything momentous to happen, Rubedo was still ashamed. Biting his lower lip, the redhead burrowed deeper into the plush protection of his pillow. He was the link master, he was supposed to be in control, and he was also supposed to be able to control himself. If Rubedo submitted, like he did in that nightmare…
…No. Rubedo would never do anything like that to Albedo. Never!
"If it's you…it's okay, Rubedo."
The red-haired twin nearly flipped again, snapping his neck to peer over his shoulder. Two flushed faces made awkward eye contact, though Rubedo's eyes were wide with horror. Albedo, on the other hand, quickly averted his sight elsewhere, much too coyly for Rubedo's comfort.
Stammering, Rubedo was afraid to ask, "W-wha…what did you say, Albedo?"
Blinking again, the younger boy drew his eyes back to his twin. "I said it's okay, Rubedo." What more could he say? What more did he want to say? Finding himself at a loss for further words, Albedo just glanced away into oblivion, his bashfulness genuinely disturbing Rubedo.
Blue eyes blinking incessantly, Rubedo once again questioned whether or not he was dreaming. Although his current scene lacked the nastiness of the previous nightmare, Rubedo still felt exceptionally unnerved and frightened. Albedo's behavior did nothing to alleviate his unease. What in God's name did Albedo mean by "it's okay"? A part of Rubedo actually wanted his twin to lash out, get emotional, scream…anything that would prove this moment was anything but okay!
Arousal simmering as quickly as it came, the link master recovered the remains of his dignity. Rolling over to face Albedo again, Rubedo exhaled. "There's nothing okay about this, Albedo," seriously countered the elder brother, much to the ivory-haired boy's surprise. Why the hell was Albedo so bewildered by Rubedo's tone? There was absolutely no reason why either of the twins should be taking this situation lightly. True, Albedo did not yet know 'everything' about Rubedo's nightmare…
…Frankly, Rubedo was afraid to divulge his dream to Albedo. It never took a great amount of effort to scare the middle brother. Quite often, Rubedo innocently yet teasingly frightened Albedo, which always backfired. The little brother inevitably sought the protection of Rubedo's bed to weather a spooky night. Although, there were a few occasions in the past when Rubedo scared Albedo for that very purpose…not that Albedo knew. Nevertheless, there was a difference between blameless spooks and horrific nightmares. Shaking his head as though to erase bad memories, Rubedo took another deep breath. "There's nothing okay about me having dreams like that."
Like all kids, U.R.T.V.s had dreams. Even Rubedo had his share of childhood's scary dreams: monsters chasing him, or the disgusting cafeteria food coming to life as some mucky monster – or wait, that was another story intended to spook Albedo. It resulted in the white-haired twin hardly eating for nearly a week, thus being not one of Rubedo's smartest ideas. But when it came to nightmares of his own, Rubedo never acted like his fraidy-cat twin, who once awoke wailing because he dreamt Gaignun became fifteen-hundred-feet tall and destroyed downtown Miltia. Silly dreams yielded hearty laughs, but nothing of the sort happened tonight. To laugh at Rubedo's recent nightmare would be downright inappropriate.
"What exactly happened, Rubedo?"
The link master earnestly wished Albedo never asked. However, Rubedo also feared if he did not provide a verbal answer, Albedo would dig for answers across the mental link. The white-haired twin was persistent, too. If Rubedo censored his thoughts tonight, Albedo would wait as long as necessary before the redhead let down his guard. A few seconds were all it took for an unblocked U.R.T.V.'s thoughts to become fair game across the link. And if Albedo unearthed Rubedo's gruesome nightmare alone, unpleasant results could follow. Being damned if he did and damned if he did not, Rubedo decided to get this over with.
"I-n, I mean, in the dream, I–" The link master could not recall the last time he felt so tense. Just the other day, Rubedo's tongue tied when talking about the opposite sex, which seemed like such a trivial matter now. However, Rubedo's main hesitation when talking about Sakura was his fear of upsetting his possessive twin. Similarly, the red-haired U.R.T.V. fretted that his dream may similarly disturb Albedo, rightfully so, too. But when Albedo's purple eyes pleaded for Rubedo's continuance, the leader sucked up a puff of air and proceeded uneasily. Scoffing in self-disgust, Rubedo shook his head. "God, Albedo. I…k-killed in that dream."
Technically, killing was not considered outlandish to a bioweapon, which explained why Albedo did not look overly fazed by Rubedo's confession. Battle and murder was part of a U.R.T.V.'s job, no different than a Lost Jerusalem chef cooking lobster via boiling the creature alive. Alas, unlike standard U.R.T.V.s who lacked consciousnesses, the Variants harbored consciences. Ironically of all the Variant U.R.T.V.s, the link master's conscience was the most poignant. Albedo may have been unfazed by killing, but he never liked seeing his brave leader in distress. Rubedo saw plenty of warzones and blood throughout his young life, so how could a mere dream be any worse? Apparently, there was more to this nightmare than Albedo knew.
His 667-tattooed hand stroking Rubedo's collarbone, Albedo asked gently, "Who did you kill, Rubedo?"
Yet another question Rubedo was unsure he could answer without falling apart. "…A lot, Albedo," the boy admitted quite shamefully. Yes, he was a bioweapon accustomed to killing, but that never meant Rubedo was proud of himself. He preferred to protect people, not slay them, especially when it came to people he held dearest. "I killed a lot of people…most I didn't even know. I don't know why the hell I killed them, but…but I don't think the reasons matter. Regardless…I killed them. That's all there is to it."
Albedo briefly chewed his lip. He hated to see his happy-go-lucky brother act so somber. Unlike timid Albedo and nonchalant Nigredo, Rubedo was the exuberant energy of the Variant boys. When the sun's reddish fire dimmed, darkness consumed the world. The last thing Albedo wanted was for Rubedo to sink into the same melancholy Albedo constantly bore.
"But it was just a dream, Rubedo." Rubedo used to always say such to Albedo whenever the little brother had an unpleasant dream. "It's all just a bad dream. Nothing more."
"Maybe…" Rubedo trailed, although Albedo's innocent words sparked an unexpected fire inside Rubedo. This fire, however, was anything but happiness. Discreetly grinding his teeth, the link master frustratingly snarled to himself. "But I still killed people, Albedo. The killings weren't like we normally do during a mission, either." After all, U.R.T.V.s were trained to be professionals, not indiscriminate butchers. Regardless of the body count, U.R.T.V. killings were clean and quick, just as Dmitri Yuriev trained his efficient little bioweapons. "All the bodies were…" swallowed Rubedo, hoping he wouldn't inadvertently give his recently-spooked twin another nightmare. "…Mutilated. Hell, most bodies were unrecognizable…just piles and pieces of limbs."
Albedo had to gulp, too. U.R.T.V.s were not exceptionally squeamish, but kids were still kids. Furthermore, feeling Rubedo's nausea across the mental link reverberated inside Albedo. Any emotion one twin felt was easily passed onto his other half. That was why the white-haired brother knew Rubedo's fear was genuine. The older brother was not embellishing his story to stupidly panic Albedo. Rubedo was scared.
"Please. Do this for me, Rubedo. Take me with you."
Even worse, Rubedo neglected one significant detail from his nightmare. Of all the nameless bodies he massacred, the link master did identify one person he slew. Worse than a clean slaying, Rubedo dissected his brother's throbbing heart! And considering Albedo's fetish for dying, especially dying by Rubedo's hands, the older twin was too chicken to divulge this secret. Dreaming about being murdered by Rubedo was something that would insult Albedo – or more disturbingly, it might please Albedo – and Rubedo relished neither possibility.
"How the hell could I have dreams like that, Albedo?" Of course, if Rubedo did not have the answers, Albedo would not have the answers, either. Besides, it was not Albedo's place to solve Rubedo's problem. If the link master dreamt of carnage, then there had to be a reason buried deep in his subconscious. U.R.T.V.s were not psychoanalysts, but Rubedo highly doubted he had tonight's dream without some logical reasoning. No sane person dreamt about massacres for the hell of it.
Even worse was how massacres were not the only things showcased in Rubedo's nightmare.
"You don't need to be gentle."
"Rubedo?" piqued Albedo, noticing his brother's demeanor rapidly shift across the mental link. Once his hand ascended to Rubedo's cheek, Albedo noticed the redheaded boy's body heat rise. "What is it? You're blushing again."
Why did Albedo feel obligated to point that out? Still, Rubedo knew he only had himself to blame for this mess. The twins kept a few secrets from each other, but between their telepathic link and their half-hearts, the lifespan of a secret was short-lived. Regardless, Rubedo had more explaining to be done. If not the dream, Rubedo owed it to Albedo to explain what the hell attempted to breach their pants. Dreams were just dreams, but when the dreams yielded physical effects…what was Rubedo to do? This was his first time, and though Rubedo's first time did not get very far, the boy was still frightened. It disturbed – and embarrassed – Rubedo to know that while his brain was unsure how to react to a sexual dream, the rest of his body sure as hell knew what to do. The thought alone intensified Rubedo's blush. He was the link master, so Rubedo was not supposed to be like this.
But…like 'what,' exactly?
Gently shaking his head to release his cheek from Albedo's caress, Rubedo took a few seconds to prepare himself and his words. Alas, the link master was not the most eloquent of speakers, especially when anxious. It never took much effort to freak-out Albedo, either, so Rubedo's word-choice was imperative.
"The things I saw in that dream, Albedo…" Rubedo began, grappling onto his composure amidst recalling the horrific memories. "They were downright indecent."
The word "indecent" struck a cord within Albedo. If Rubedo dreamt of mass murders, the middle child expected to hear words such as "disgusting" and "grisly." And while immoral killing could be considered a branch of indecency, such a word was more commonly associated with obscene matters. And obscene matters were just a milder rephrasing for salaciousness.
Feeling his own cheeks tingle with warmth, Albedo began to understand his twin's behavior. Even if Albedo was the most timid of the Variant boys, he was impeccably sharp, far cleverer than his twin.
"You…you dreamt about sex, too?" Albedo was a tad surprised, but the Variants were skirting adolescence, and Rubedo developed the fastest. Sexual dreams came with maturing, although Albedo always feared Rubedo might have such dreams about a certain brunette girl. Was that why Rubedo was so concerned about his nightmare? Then again, why would Rubedo consider a sexual dream about Sakura Mizrahi to be a "nightmare"? Surely, the link master's dreams about his cherry-scented sweetheart would be more appropriately categorized as "fantasies." Maybe Sakura had nothing to do with tonight's situation. Albedo hoped.
But then, if Rubedo's dream involved sex, why did it also include killings? Based on Rubedo's selection of words, the sex in his dream was unpleasant, indecent, and the first conclusion Albedo drew was rape. In a way, rape made sense for the caliber of Rubedo's violent nightmare. Factually, historical wars were filled with destruction, death, and rape, and it was no lie to call war a "nightmare." Plus, it was no secret that, despite the U.R.T.V. leader's prowess, Rubedo was not a fan of war. "Is that what your nightmare was about, Rubedo; war murder and rapes?"
In a matter of speaking, but Rubedo could not easily bring himself to say yes. The dream did involve mass murder, but not necessarily war or mass rape. Technically, Rubedo only saw two people in his dream engage in intercourse: himself, and…
…Rubedo could not bring himself to admit it. Just thinking about what he did to his so-called beloved twin – butchering and defiling Albedo – was enough to make the link master scream. Big brothers did not think of their siblings that way, only monsters did.
"Why are you the leader? You're a monster!"
Come hell or high water, Rubedo did not want those standard U.R.T.V.s to be correct.
But…
"Take me."
No! I'm not like that! Screwing his eyes shut, Rubedo vigorously shook his head until he felt dizzy. Something was drastically wrong with him. Was this what the standards meant when they called Rubedo a monster? After all, the word "monster" was not exclusive to actions of manslaughter. Monsters generally did the unthinkable, and rape was just as unthinkable as murder. Maybe Rubedo was a monster, But I don't want to be a monster!
Unable to look his twin in the eye, Rubedo's opening orbs glanced at anything but Albedo. His lips cracked via absentminded chewing, and the bleeding lips stung when he pursed them together. Swallowing traces of copper, Rubedo never before felt so sick to his stomach. At that moment, he felt worse than a mere monster. He did not want to hurt anyone, especially the person he loved and needed most.
Stubbornly withholding a developing sob, the redhead no longer knew what to do. "God, I feel so fucked up." He spoke his mind, but Rubedo immediately realized his exceptionally poor linguistics. Realizing his slip of the tongue, the leader instantly tried to reclaim his dignity…whatever dignity he had left. "Er, I mean…" stammered the boy, before almost pleading, "What's happening to me, Albedo?"
Albedo was not certain, himself. He harbored his share of disturbing nightmares, but Rubedo's dream made Albedo's seem petty. Only then did the white-haired brother realize how petty he had been acting lately. Ever since he discovered his regenerative curse, Albedo became fixated on himself: how he would never die, how he would be left behind, and how he would suffer forever. Perhaps Albedo's self-centered anxieties were validated by his individualized fate. Still, had the younger twin become so consumed by his problems that he was obvious to Rubedo's? The Variant twins were two halves of a former whole. Their minds were shared, as were their issues. When had the twins become so divided that Albedo never realized Rubedo's suffering until now? Albedo never wanted Rubedo to leave him behind, but disregarding Rubedo's problems was Albedo's inadvertent way of him leaving his big brother. How could I?
Albedo's heart pounded agonizingly, reflecting the torture in Rubedo's right chest. It was only natural for one twin to alleviate the other's pain. If one boy suffered, both boys suffered, but if one boy was healed, both boys were happy. Rubedo usually did most healings, soothing his weaker twin as only Rubedo could. But tonight, it was Albedo who had to heal Rubedo as only he could.
Both hands cupping Rubedo's face, Albedo coerced the elder brother to finally return his gaze. It pained the younger twin to see such pain in Rubedo's usually-confident blue eyes. Tonight's nightmare was far from trivialness. Before further damage ensued, Albedo kept his own emotions in check before nursing Rubedo's.
"It was just a dream, Rubedo," though the white-haired twin knew he needed to say more to fully convince his ignorant brother. But both twins were stubborn, and Albedo had his ways of making Rubedo listen. Drawing faces closer, amethysts drilled into sapphires. "It'd definitely be a different story if you actually did those things in real life."
Albedo spoke the truth. No matter how silly or grisly, did Rubedo's dream truly matter if it only remained a dream? Perhaps, instead of this nightmare breaking Rubedo, he should consider it a warning not to do those things. The link master had a brain and will of his own, so it was his choice whether or not to become a monster. And if Rubedo said no, then he had nothing to worry about, right?
Much to Rubedo's surprise, he did feel his worries lighten, albeit they did not vanish completely. "You may be right, Albedo, but…" he trailed, only seeing Albedo's face lighten for a second before the inevitable seriousness rehashed. Try as he might, the leader could not stop thinking about it.
"The thing is…the thing you don't understand is…it was you, Albedo." The redhead saw his brother's beautiful violet eyes blink innocently, which only carved another knife in Rubedo's aching chest. Bracing himself, Rubedo forced his blasphemous words. "You're the one who was…you're the one I..."
The younger brother almost asked Rubedo to clarify himself. Alas, the clarification came in a different manner. He saw Rubedo's red face, and he felt Rubedo's body tremble unlike before. These were not fearful shakes, but vibrations of something deeper and more – dare Albedo think? – carnal. It was the exact behavior Rubedo recently displayed when Albedo felt his…
…Everything made sense thereafter.
"Oh…" Albedo felt ridiculously stupid for saying so, but neither twin doubted this moment could get any stranger. The younger brother wondered which element gave Rubedo greater discomfort: his nightmare's gruesome content, or his nightmare's sexual content. And if the redhead spoke truthfully, the latter content was anything but rapturous pleasure.
Does this mean, I'm the person Rubedo…killed…and…I'm also the person he–? Never given the chance to bask in the sweet potential of Rubedo taking his life, reality smacked the younger boy upside his head.
A short period of unpleasant silence overcame the twins, neither boy brave enough to make the next move. Rubedo feared the worst from Albedo's reaction. Already, the white-haired boy was paranoid over Rubedo abandoning him, and the nightmare suggested the ultimate betrayal. Albedo did not ignore these facts, either. However, the younger brother still believed a dream was a harmless dream. He was not a fan of nightmares, but it was Rubedo himself who advised Albedo never to take dreams too seriously. Why was Rubedo not following his own advice?
The look on Rubedo's flushed face easily answered Albedo's question.
Rubedo is scared, but he's more…embarrassed.
Then again, Albedo's own cheeks were also quite bright. By now, the U.R.T.V.s had known about sex for a couple of years, but this was the first time such a subject made itself prominent in their lives. It was strange to admit that blood and guts did not bother U.R.T.V.s as much as sexuality. Then again, U.R.T.V.s were segregated bioweapons, intentionally raised to know as much about war, and to know as little about sex.
Nevertheless, with puberty around the corner, an episode such as tonight's was bound to happen sooner or later. Frankly, Albedo never looked forward to watching Rubedo embrace those types of urges. The younger boy was willing to bet money that the object of Rubedo's needs would be the brunette Albedo most despised.
But… Violet eyes fluttered when Albedo realized he just bet his money on the wrong horse. Who would have guessed that the winner in the race for Rubedo's desires was not the chestnut-brown horse, but the Arabian-white horse? Of course, this little revelation transformed the white horse into red, blushing brighter than the hair of Albedo's other half. Perhaps Albedo was getting ahead of himself, or he was too blind to realize the severity of Rubedo's nightmare, but…
…For Albedo's life and innocence to be taken by his beloved was the greatest gift Rubedo could ever give him.
Albedo was flattered.
Nevertheless, Albedo was not stupid enough to speak his current mind to Rubedo. The link master was deeply mortified by his dream, and mortified by what he did in the dream. Now was not the time for Albedo to resurrect his masochism, nor was it the time for cliché love confessions, which would only escalate Rubedo's pain. Someday, maybe, there would come an opportunity for Albedo to speak his heart, and maybe, someday, Rubedo's dream would no longer be just a dream. Maybe.
"Maybe I really am a monster, Albedo."
Alas, now was not Albedo's time. Rubedo hurt too deeply, and it was not the younger boy's duty to rub salt in his big brother's wounds. If Albedo intended to prove why he felt this way, now was his chance. Love was unconditional, and that was all he really wanted from Rubedo. But to receive a gift, sometimes, one must give.
Finally returning to Rubedo's eyes, Albedo shook his head, unintentionally tickling his twin's pink cheeks with his swishing white hair. As gently and honestly as he could muster, the younger boy replied, "No, you're not a monster, Rubedo."
The sincerity in Albedo's voice and eyes was almost enough to convince Rubedo. Sadly, the poison left in wake of Rubedo's nightmare left the link master feeling less gullible. Hating to do so, Rubedo turned away from Albedo. He appreciated the ivory twin's tenderness, but sugarcoated words were never enough for Rubedo.
"Killing, raping…" Rubedo could hardly believe his own words, barely coming to terms with the fact that he did such horrid things in his friggen dream – to his brother! It was almost enough to drive him insane. "Seriously, Albedo, don't make light of this. Shit like that isn't the handiwork of sweet little boys."
True, but Albedo was not finished. "I never said we were 'sweet little boys.' U.R.T.V.s lose that title the moment of birth. But we're humans, too, and all humans – from the moment of birth – are not considered 100% innocent." Original Sin, Albedo recalled. "I suppose that's what makes us human."
Though he did not say so, Rubedo noted the validity of his twin's words. U.R.T.V.s may have been bioweapons, and they may have been sheltered from most of the world. Nevertheless, Rubedo was not stupid enough to believe all other humans were saints. After all, if the rest of humanity were perfect, there would be no conflict, and ultimately, there never would have been a need to create weapons in the first place. Lo and behold, the galaxy engaged in an endless war. This era fought over the Zohar, but what would the next era bring? Chances were, people would always find some excuse to fight, to fail, and perpetuate the imperfect realities of basic human nature.
While absorbing Albedo's valuable insight, Rubedo could not help but lightly snort. Shrugging once and incredulously raising his eyebrows, the cocky redhead theorized, "So then, I guess we're all pretty fucked up, aren't we?"
The leader's impeccable word choice prompted both boys to blush and chuckle simultaneously. Their close proximity caused the two giggling bodies to vibrate against each other, which quickly broke the lightheartedness and regained Rubedo's attention. Even if he was imperfect, and even if the whole Goddamn world sucked, that did not diminish the fact that Rubedo's nightmare was utterly vile.
His smile disappearing as quickly as it arrived, Rubedo looked back into his favorite pair of eyes. "Do you…think I'm a monster, Albedo?" He figured it was a ridiculous question to ask, but Rubedo desperately wanted his brother's answer – a legitimate answer, nothing patronizing.
Having no intention of patronizing Rubedo, Albedo gazed into his own favorite color of eyes. "Does it matter, Rubedo?"
Sapphire orbs blinking, Rubedo knew he never expected such a question. "Huh?" he exclaimed, a little louder than necessary, and enough to make Albedo minutely flinch. Recomposing himself, Rubedo lowered his voice's volume before proceeding. "Of course it matters!"
Maybe it mattered to Rubedo, but Albedo thought differently. "Not if it doesn't change people's opinions of you."
It was not uncommon for Albedo to bewilder Rubedo. Yet, this situation was one case when the temperamental link master did not want to screw around. "What?"
"If you're worried about what the standard U.R.T.V.s said, don't be." Albedo was willing to beat up another dozen standards if necessary. Their pain would be gentle compared to the anxieties Rubedo shouldered thanks to the standards' slander. Shaking his head to expel his bubbling resentment, Albedo added, "I don't give damn about what those standards think. They won't listen to Variants no matter what we say. Arguing with them is no different than arguing with a wall – hell, a wall has more personality than those 'things.'"
That being said, "The standards' words should be taken with a grain of salt," Albedo highly advised, giving his lost link master a forceful glance in order to prove his point. "There are much more important people whose opinions you should worry about, Rubedo."
With the most important person staring him in the face, Rubedo began to see light at the end of his dark depressing tunnel. But although the standard U.R.T.V.s' struck a cord with Rubedo, he really did not over-analyze their condemnation until after his latest nightmare. Then again, Albedo claimed the standards' opinions were worthless. The truthfulness behind a nonsensical nightmare held little value as well. Really, Rubedo had let two unreliable sources of defamation get under his skin, when in actuality he should have worried about people whose comments were credible.
But then came the million-dollar question: the subject at the root of Rubedo's pain. It was rare for the link master to openly act skittish, but he could not help but feel scared. What he was about to ask was not an easy question, and if the answer proved unfavorable…Rubedo did not know how he would react. Alas, no matter how frightened he felt, he knew he had to get to the bottom of this matter once and for all. Swallowing a plethora of anxieties, the redhead breathed heavily before finding his voice.
"So…do you think I'm a monster, Albedo?"
Albedo claimed Rubedo was not a monster, but his declaration was more factual than opinionated. Like it or not, three 6's were branded into Rubedo's right hand, so it was true that the link master was a monster in some fashion. But more than anything, Rubedo wanted to know the opinion of his dearest – the person whose opinion trumped all logic. When Rubedo first asked if Albedo "thought" his twin was a monster, the younger boy replied, "Does it matter?" and not exactly a straightforward answer. The redhead always preferred bluntness, too impatient to beat around the bush, whereas Albedo seemed to enjoy riddles. Just this once, Rubedo wanted a clear-cut answer: "yes" or "no," and nothing more. Did Albedo honestly believe Rubedo was a monster?
Silently, slender arms coiled around Rubedo's waist in a tighter embrace.
Blinking, Rubedo peered down to see a patch of white hair burrow back beneath his chin. The redhead could feel Albedo's ear against his chest, listening to the link master's twin hearts contradicting each other. Rubedo disliked the half-assed melody, yet Albedo seemed quite comfortable and enchanted.
Closing his eyes for a moment, Albedo inhaled his brother's familiar scent – as relaxing as incense and as addictive as marijuana. Upon exhaling, a small smile teased Albedo's lips when he noticed his released breath penetrated Rubedo's nightshirt, briefly tickling the leader's skin underneath. It would be inappropriate to admit to Rubedo, but Albedo always found his haughty twin to be adorable whenever he squirmed. Besides, Albedo had more important things to say to Rubedo, such as…
"You're my big brother."
The last line should have touched Rubedo, but instead he felt downright annoyed. Why the hell could Albedo not give him a straight answer? How difficult was it to say a "yes" or "no," both words containing one syllable and were no larger than three letters! This was not a challenge by any means, so why did Albedo make matters difficult? Did the younger brother not realize how desperate Rubedo felt right now? Did Albedo enjoy making Rubedo uncomfortable?
Controlling his temper was never one of Rubedo's attributes, but he gave one final effort. "That's-that's not answering my question, Albedo." But rest assured, if Albedo continued to dodge his question, Rubedo's fuse was bound to blow.
Quite the contrary, Albedo knew what he was doing. "To me, it answers your question, Rubedo," the boy admitted, much to the surprise of his elder. Nuzzling deeper into Rubedo's comfy chest, Albedo fluttered his eyes, feeling minute moisture within. It never took much effort to make the middle child act emotional, but the bliss of being in Rubedo's arms only triggered jovial tears. "I don't care what you are, what you might've been meant to become, or what other people think. You're mine, Rubedo, and that's all I want. That's all that matters. If it's enough for me, shouldn't it be enough for you?"
It was easier for Albedo to condemn the rest of the world when his personal universe only concerned itself with Rubedo. Alas, Rubedo was not as fortunate. As leader, he was obligated to be concerned about the world outside the twins' oasis. Too many people relied on Rubedo, and Rubedo cared about many people, too.
Nevertheless, that did not diminish Albedo's importance. No matter how many people climbed aboard Rubedo's shoulders, only one person meant the world to him. Rubedo did not disregard the outside world, but the outside world's opinions were significantly less vital than Albedo's. If this moment was enough for Albedo, then in a lesser degree, it was enough for Rubedo. With his twins' arms around him, perhaps Rubedo never needed a straightforward answer to his question after all.
"By the way…you were wrong about one thing, Rubedo."
Just when Rubedo finally began to relax, Albedo's unexpected words ignited a new quandary. Unsure how to react, Rubedo proceeded with caution. "Huh?"
Practically swapping roles, it was Albedo's turn to blush and fidget, which easily escalated Rubedo's vexation. It did not help that Albedo's squirms rubbed up against Rubedo, friction and pleasure increasing this moment's awkwardness. "Well…" the white-haired child began, hesitant to look back into Rubedo's eyes. "Before, you said your dream had rape."
Not wanting to remember that particularly disturbing vignette, Rubedo bit his lip and begrudgingly lowered his head like a punished puppy.
"Well…it's not rape of you have my consent, Rubedo."
"This is what I want, Rubedo."
Wide eyes snapping open, Rubedo knew Albedo must have felt the link master's hearts nearly burst from his chest. A nervous sweat broke and the redhead's chest heaved to levels of near-hyperventilation. Never, ever expecting to hear such words from his twin, Rubedo seriously considered the possibility that tonight may have been one long dream. Did Albedo really want–?
There was no denying the expression Albedo offered him, his glistening amethysts always capable of melting Rubedo's self-proclaimed resilience. Countless times in the past, the twins gazed into each other's eyes, but this was the first time Rubedo noticed something different in Albedo's eyes. It was not full-fledged lust, nor was it ivory chasteness. Albedo's maturing rate might be statistically slower than Rubedo's, but the younger twin was maturing, nonetheless. He loved his big brother – always had, always would – and just like his body, Albedo's love was slowly maturing.
Well aware of Rubedo's punch-drunk stupor, the blushing Albedo gently giggled before playfully cocking his head. Not the type to ignore emotion, Albedo never denied his desires. Yet, he did not necessarily imply such desires had to be met immediately. Perhaps when he and Rubedo were older, "…Someday, maybe?"
Uncertain how to answer, Rubedo quietly recollected himself before speaking. He had no intentions of breaking Albedo's heart, but he was not quite ready for Albedo's earth-shattering confession, either. Then again, was this moment so earth-shattering? It was common knowledge that Albedo was fixated with Rubedo. The odds of Albedo's emotions evolving were not extraordinarily outrageous to believe. Even in Rubedo's nightmare, Albedo wanted Rubedo.
In retrospect, there was never a reason to assume rape in the first place. Why did Rubedo misconstrue it as rape? Then again, the dream did not portray Rubedo in the most flattering of lights. He was the villain in that nightmare, villains did heinous deeds, and few villains were nice enough to fulfill people's desires without malevolent intentions. Besides, Albedo was Rubedo's brother, and Rubedo was not thrilled with the idea of that happening to his twin. Nonetheless, the white-haired half did give his consent in the nightmare, although Rubedo failed to recall confessing that memory to Albedo earlier. Perhaps Rubedo had Albedo's consent all along, long before tonight's dream. And if Albedo gave his consent, then…was it as wrong as Rubedo initially believed? The kids were still kids, but they were not idiots, and each twin was headstrong enough to know exactly what he wanted in life. Heavens knew Albedo made it blatantly clear that what he wanted was Rubedo. The redhead just never suspected Albedo wanted him that way.
Then again, considering the embarrassing escapade between Rubedo's legs from earlier…maybe the twins' bodies wanted more than the kids' brains realized.
"…Someday, maybe?"
Perhaps Rubedo's body gave an answer, but his mouth was not ready to reply. Usually, the link master had to be "ready for anything" during his line of work, but this was one case where Rubedo could not dive headfirst. If this hesitance coined him a coward, so be it. But if that hellish nightmare taught anything to Rubedo, it was that he needed to exercise self-control and tame impulses, both violent and sexual. And maybe, someday, when Rubedo accomplished what it truly meant to be mature, he could explore the deepest stage of his and Albedo's relationship.
Until then, Rubedo managed a gentle smile for his other half. Carnal needs aside, simple affection always appeased the twins. Raising a hand to stroke Albedo's bangs, Rubedo cleared a patch of his twin's forehead for a kiss. Synchronized with lips against skin, Albedo's embrace squeezed, before he returned a peck to Rubedo's mouth. Sensing the leader's concerns, Albedo kept the kiss innocent, satisfied that though Rubedo was not ready for more, the link master still happily returned his twin's kiss.
Rubedo had to admit, even if he was not 100% ready to carry the full weight of adulthood, a part of him was quite flattered by Albedo's honesty. To be loved by someone – loved as a brother, loved as a comrade, loved as a confidante, and then loved as a lover – was a rarity Rubedo doubted happened between U.R.T.V.s. The Variant twins had always been a special case, ever since conception.
Thereafter, the brothers parted and relaxed in each other's arms. It was the first time all night that Rubedo and Albedo felt peaceful. After all, both boys had endured their share of scares tonight thanks to nightmares.
Come to think of it… Rubedo suddenly realized, raising his red eyebrows. While Albedo returned to resting atop his chest, the redhead had been absentmindedly stroking the albino's hair. He could tell Albedo would soon drift asleep, which Rubedo intended to do as well. However, Rubedo never slept when he had something on his mind. He had no intentions of upsetting Albedo, but after Albedo's comfort, Rubedo wanted to return the favor.
"Hey, Albedo?" he whispered, still brushing white locks. Averting his gaze to the dark ceiling, Rubedo hoped he was not asking the wrong question. "You don't have to answer this if you're not up to it, but…what exactly was your nightmare about, anyway?"
Albedo tensed and unlocked his arms from Rubedo's frame. It was true that Albedo had been exceptionally vague when relaying his earlier nightmare, and a part of him wished he would never have to recall the details. Noticing Albedo's change in demeanor, Rubedo immediately chastised himself. But before the link master could eat his words and start apologizing, Albedo's hands found their way back to the leader's chest, his tattooed hand caressing Rubedo's right heart.
"I dreamt we were all in this dark place," the younger boy recalled, doing his best not to allow his voice to waver. Rubedo was brave enough to divulge his nightmare, and Albedo intended to follow suit, even if he was not nearly as brave as his big brother. Inhaling Rubedo's scent for motivation, Albedo continued. "Then something happened. We were attacked, and you…" He could not help but pause. "…You left me, Rubedo. No matter how many times I screamed at you not to, you still let me go."
Even if Albedo's dream did not sound nearly as disgusting or suggestive as Rubedo's, the link master felt his heart squeeze. He knew Albedo's ultimate fear was abandonment, so dreams such as tonight's were not unlikely. Nevertheless, for Rubedo to willingly leave Albedo was so cruel and ridiculous! It would be difficult enough when death separated the twins against their wills, but it would be a cold day in Hell before Rubedo abandoned his other half via his own volition.
His own tattooed palm finding Albedo's, Rubedo's hand clutched his twin's. Sadly, Albedo was not quite ready to look his brother in the eye, either due to the dream or due to hiding oncoming tears. Either way, the redhead squeezed Albedo's palm, disproving the nightmare's claim of Rubedo letting go.
"Don't worry, Albedo," Rubedo spoke with utmost certainty. "I'd never do that to you."
Even then, Albedo was afraid to face Rubedo. After a small sniffle, the white-haired boy whispered, "Really?"
Nodding confidently, Rubedo raised his and Albedo's clasped hands to his lips, sealing the promise with a kiss. "I swear."
Albedo remained quiet, but Rubedo did not need an answer. Instead, the leader wrapped his arms and drew his younger half closer. The twins were always content in each other's arms, feeling symbiotic warmth and inhaling each other's scent. Vaguely, hugs always reminded the twins of how they used to be whole. Tonight was no exception.
Then again… tonight had been different in certain respects. What were the odds that both Rubedo and Albedo would have a nightmare on the same night? Some people claimed fate worked in mysterious ways, but tonight, Rubedo believed fate worked very idealistically and suspiciously. Still, the twins were originally one body, so it was not uncommon for them to share thoughts, feelings, and so forth. The probability of the telepathic twins undergoing near-simultaneous nightmares was not extraordinarily out of the question.
Rubedo decided to leave the subject so he and his brother could finally sleep. Neither boy knew the time, but the leader estimated he and Albedo awoke during the wee hours of the morning. U.R.T.V.s could not afford to oversleep, nor could they sleepily go through a day of training. Snuggling against his half-heart, the relaxed Rubedo shut his eyes, breathing in Albedo's scent before returning to slumber land.
"Liar."
Azure eyes unveiled, Rubedo stared at his twin's mop of ivory hair. The room's temperature dropped, in spite of the boy's togetherness. Instead, their embrace froze and hearts skipped. All the while, Albedo still refused to look into Rubedo's eyes.
"Lies may help you sleep through the night, but not for me, Rubedo."
His twin's inexplicit mood swing chilled Rubedo's core. Unwrapping arms, Rubedo brought his hands to his twin's shoulders, hoping to make sense of the matter. Gradually raising Albedo's gaze to his, the redhead demanded to know, "Albedo…what the–what're you talking about–?"
Sapphire eyes met amethysts; the iridescent purple jewels Rubedo cherished. Quite often, Rubedo saw those eyes glossed pink with tears, and now was no exception. Albedo's violet orbs were stained red, leaking liquids down to his chin. While it was never a shock for Rubedo to see Albedo's tears, the link master was shocked to see his twin's wept fluids were not tears.
Blood.
He had these dreams – nightmares – periodically. Once in a blue moon these visions came, resembling thieves in the night. Like sweet fruit gone rotten, his pristine white fantasies would be tarnished in rusty crimson. Why did he have these gruesome nightmares? The boy knew why, deep down, but he preferred to plead ignorant.
Emotions ensnared in his throat, the wide-eyed Rubedo choked, "…Albe–Albedo."
"Heh…hehehh…"
First he would notice the laughter. It was not the jovial chuckling of children, or the tender giggles that could only come from the object of his affection. Rubedo's heart did not flutter whilst listening to these sick, blood-curdling cackles.
Unwrapping arms from his twin, the white-haired gigglier wiped away the tear-like blood from his face. The back of his tattooed hand stained crimson, Albedo brought the hand to his mouth, lapping up metallic remains as his tongue swirled in a lewd fashion. Once finished, the tongue slithered back into Albedo's mouth, lips cracking a bloodstained smirk whilst his hands ascended to Rubedo.
"This is the fourth time this week," the unmasked Albedo noted, his voice darkening with every syllable. His palms flat against Rubedo's heaving chest, the younger boy's fingertips playfully tapped against the leader's collarbone. "What's going on, Rubedo?" he asked suggestively, apparently knowing the answer to his own question. "You never used to have this many nightmares."
Albedo's fingernails brushing against Rubedo's skin, the white-haired half leaned in closer, feeling Rubedo's hot breath puffing anxieties. As a sick smirk of satisfaction manifested across Albedo's young face, the twisted twin brought his lips to the link master's left ear.
"Does this have something to do with what happened the other day, Rubedo?" asked Albedo, knowing Rubedo's eyes must have widened in horror. The once-proud leader's body quaked for an entirely new reason, raw fear overpowering him. There was only one other time in his life that Rubedo felt so terrified, and Albedo knew. "Don't you remember that day, Rubedo?" Albedo taunted, his voice dripping with venom as he sneered maliciously. "Don't you remember when you left me?"
Rubedo's heart skipped one beat…
"Don't you remember when you let U-DO rape me?"
…Two beats…
"Don't you remember when you killed me, Rubedo?"
Refusing to believe this nonsense, Rubedo wildly shook his head. "You're not–"
In a split second, Albedo's cat's-eyes found Rubedo's. "But I am, Rubedo."
"No, you're not!" The link master denied, attempting to wiggle free from his twin's hold. Alas, the more he tried to escape, the deeper Albedo's nails penetrated Rubedo's bleeding collarbone. "This isn't real!"
"Really?" Albedo played along, cocking his head but never unlocking his darkened eyes from Rubedo. When he heard his red twin stifle a whimper, Albedo's digging fingers relented, releasing Rubedo's stinging wounds. Strangely, Rubedo wondered how the hell he could feel physical pain in a dream, unless…
The link master opened his mouth to protest, but Albedo's lips firmly silenced him. The only sounds Rubedo managed to make were struggling moans, attempting to force himself free from his younger brother's impressive hold. But this was not real – it was a dream! Rubedo just needed to awake and he and Albedo would be back to normal, happily ever after in each other's presence. Undeniably, Rubedo did not want to remember Albedo like this.
Stop, Albedo.
When the younger twin's kiss parted via a malicious smile, Albedo dared, "Well then, Rubedo, tell me if this isn't real, either."
It was meant to be faster than a knife, and certainly more painful. White claws embedded themselves deep into Rubedo's skin, descending to slice clothing and skin. Try as he might, Rubedo could not prevent his screams from escalating as Albedo's talons headed south. The redhead almost screamed his throat dry when two distinct claws of Albedo's purposefully glided across both of the boy's nipples. Dizzied by pain and blood loss, Rubedo's brain hammered against his skull as Albedo relentlessly continued. It was not long before the bottom of Rubedo's nightshirt was cut, unveiling the butchered mess Albedo made of his twin's chest and stomach. Even then, Albedo's claws proceeded past the navel.
Between the sweat, pain, and involuntary tears, Rubedo barely managed to choke, "Albedo…don't–"
"Ah, but I will, Rubedo. We can't stop in the middle."
The link master's midsection breached, talons ripped through the remaining nightwear. Damned to go down without a fight, Rubedo forced himself to grab Albedo's shoulders, to push away the younger brother once and for all. Alas, the leader's grip never budged his twin. All of a sudden, Albedo's arms felt firmer, larger, and far more muscular than the redhead's form. In fact, all of a sudden, everything about Albedo reflected greater physical impressiveness than Rubedo. When had the link master become so small in the wake of his seemingly-weaker sibling?
The disoriented redhead continued to fight and scream, but Rubedo's efforts were easily overpowered by size. His scratches barely cut Albedo. Conversely, Albedo's claws worked like Swiss army knives across Rubedo, dissecting him as Rubedo carved Albedo in his previous nightmare. Except, Rubedo did not fear Albedo taking his life. The link master feared Albedo would take something else.
Blood rushed through and out of the redhead's veins. Surely, everything had to be a bad dream. But when Rubedo's hazy eyesight refocused upon the new appearance of his allegedly younger brother – now taller, powerfully built, handsome, seductive – Rubedo's sense of logic became overridden by the return of that Goddamned urge between his thighs. The redhead's screams became garbled by unwilling moans. Whenever he tried to push away Albedo, Albedo effortlessly pinned down Rubedo. If Rubedo tried to slink away, his twin's unexpected weight stabilized him. When a physical battle proved useless, Rubedo begrudgingly realized he only had one last resort, feeling his red-hot rage become his ultimate weapon.
Of course, Albedo expected to see the Dragon glow inside Rubedo's eyes. This was what the white-haired man wanted.
"Though your sins be crimson red, they may become white as wool." His bloodstained hands tightly holding Rubedo's middle, Albedo leaned in for the grand finale. Adoring Rubedo's horrified face, the white-haired man licked his lips just to get another squirm out of his twin. "If you are willing to obey, you shall reap the benefits." But knowing his fighting Rubedo would never give such a satisfaction to Albedo, the madman's talons engraved themselves into the redhead's bleeding hips. "But if you refuse and resist, Rubedo, the sword shall consume you."
Proving his grossly sacrilegious point, white hands tore open Rubedo's legs like a book, thereafter Albedo thrust himself into his other half.
The only reason Rubedo finally opened his eyes was because he screamed Albedo's name.
Rubedo's eyes flew open as he took a heavy gasp, mirroring a formerly-submerged swimmer breaking the surface after holding his breath too long. Crystalline beads trickled down his body, adhering sleepwear to sweat-soaked skin. Gripping bed sheets whilst feverishly trembling, the panting redhead desperately attempted to salvage his composure. Still flat on his back, the redhead stared into the darkness of his ceiling, listening to his heart pump into his ears.
A dream…another nightmare…that's all it was.
After convincing himself for a few minutes, the calming U.R.T.V. sighed in tremendous relief.
Thank God.
Nevertheless, dream or no dream, Rubedo was quite shaken up. It may have been childish for him, but it was his nature to seek comfort when scared. U.R.T.V.s were always reliant on each other, namely due to their spiritual connection. However, the Variant twins had one extra incentive.
Clearing his throat, Rubedo whispered into the night, "Albedo?"
One second past, then another and another. As time ticked, Rubedo's heart beat faster, before he finally realized Albedo did not reply. ("Albedo"?), he asked across their telepathic link, waiting another second, two seconds, three seconds…what the hell was Albedo waiting for? Anxious for his twin's embrace, Rubedo pulled himself to sit up, hoping to find his snoozing twin once Rubedo tossed aside his bed's expensive comforter–
Via one dramatic swoop, Rubedo's briefly billowing sheets cascaded along the edge of his big bed. Once cleared, the redhead stared at the right side of his mattress, uninhabited by the ivory-haired little boy he hoped to see curled like a puppy. Hesitantly, Rubedo's right hand grazed the right bed, feeling no trace of recent body heat. Only Rubedo's half was warm, the other side cold as death.
When it dawned on him, the U.R.T.V.'s hand returned to him, conveniently flashing his 666 tattoo as a scarlet reminder. The image liquefied as Rubedo's hand skittishly fell over his cold right chest. His half-heart now hollow and silent, the boy's hand clutched his chest, his body doubling-over as though he were just stabbed with a knife. Not long after his forehead rested atop his knees, his thighs became speckled with multiple teardrops.
Surely, it was all just a horrific nightmare…right?
"Because I love you. And if it's you…it's okay, Rubedo. This is what I want."
Alas, was not a dream after all, and for Jr., that was the most horrific part.
The End
A/N: As bizarre as this fanfic turned out, I greatly enjoyed writing it (and I can only hope viewers enjoyed reading it, too ^^). I've been meaning to contribute another dark Xenosaga fanfic for quite a while, so "Bleed White" was my opportunity.
It was my pleasure sharing my tenth Xenosaga fanfic with readers (as it's been a pleasure contributing my previous nine tales, too). I look forward to writing more stories about the loveable U.R.T.V.s in the future. Until then, reviews are much appreciated. Thank you so much for reading! ^_^
- Aiselne Phoenix Nocturnus