Disclaimer: I don't own Codename: Kids Next Door. I just own a couple of OC characters WHO ARE NOT IMPORTANT TO THE PLOT, I JUST NEEDED TWO MADE UP SCIENCE NERDS and stop. *sighs* Honestly I just wrote a long disclaimer and got ride of it, grrr. It even got ride of my amazing 'A Chance In A Million' prologue, now I'll have to write it down again! And I don't even remeber it!
This is my first try with comedy, so this story won't be very good, I guess. This summer I met a Canadian girl who told me my sense of humor was similar to Rodne Dangerfield's. I don't know if that's a compliment or not.
As usual: I'm Italian, and this means English is not my first language, so if you see any grammar mistakes please tell me and I'll corect them straigh away.
Warning: A bit of OOCness from the science nerds' side. They're furious.
There's a Terry Pratchett quote here. If you spot it, I'll give you the special mozzarella produced exclusively in my region! And points extra if you guess from what book it comes from! It's easy to figure it out, though: it's the cleverest quote in this chapter. (HINT: they made a TV movie from this book.)
Oh, the true meaning of the title will be explained at the very end of the story. Don't fret: this fic will last just 4-5 chapters.
Sorry for the rudeness, but what did got me in a bad mood. I'll make it up for you later. Read and leave a review if you want. But reviews are always welcome... no, do what you want. :)
A chance in a million: a weird, incredible, unlikely possibility of achieving, winning or knowing something, that's if there's no chance at all. To make it simpler, we can take exemples from the alternate universe: if you win a lottery, or manage to get out alive from a fire in building, other 999.999 'yous' just won't. However, if you are a hero, things are different: in this case, the chance tends curiously to increase if you are about to die or to fail your quest; at this point you save yourself or the world from demons coming from Hell or aliens with the intention of pulverize every human on Earth. But you must be a hero. By the way, the fact is there's still a slim and quite impossible chance you can fulfill an action of yours and make it real. Or to get yourself out of a very troublesome situation. You just have to be in the right world of the multiverse.
What if you are the Fortunate?
"Seriously Numbuh 74.239, how can you even think just that one gene could boost its sense of smell?"
"I've already told you: 'cause I believe it's better to use caution! You know what the hamsters' genetics is about, the genetics in general are incredibly complicated and tricky at the same time, so the best thing to do is upgrading only the principal one that owns the olfactory organ. If we start modifying the whole system we could compromise the fragile balance between-"
"You could compromise it, if you let me correct you."
The brown-haired science nerd gave a death glare at his work colleague, Numbuh 71.562. "What are you insinuating?" He growled.
"I don't insinuate, I make exact accusations." he retorted. "Your problem, my friend, is that you restrict yourself just to seek the seeming solution, the one that's simpler to resolve in your eyes without contemplating other possibilities because of your lack of knowledge."
"What?" cried angrily Numbuh 74.239 clenching his fists.
"You heard me. I perfectly know how to upgrade the olfactory organ how to locate the genetics required for its improvement without causing any damage to the DNA. And since I know how to do it, from now on I'll be the one who will deal with the genetic mutation of the hamsters and you'll stay next to me as an assistant so you'll learn."
"I know how to do my job!" protested the kid scientist almost shouting, "There's no need to-"
"Then why the results achieved aren't good?" the black-haired boy questioned inspecting his nails.
"Argh!" screamed Numbuh 74.239 exasperated, wishing to strangle the rival with his own hands, "Because it's a very difficult operation and requires a good amount of t-"
"For you! I repeat, Gabe, I'm- What the crud are you doing?"
The freckled boy followed his colleague's look; the child had just interrupted their heated argument to glare at a chubby boy with glasses who was arranging some blowcases on a shelf.
The rebuked kid assumed a questioning air: "Well, I'm-"
"Doing a bad job!" the thick-rimmed-eyed child finished roughly the sentence for him. "Does this seems to you the way to put things in order?" he groaned, "Let me show you." And after that he went towards the kid.
Behind him, the fourth-grader science nerd was fuming. That insufferable jerk! Convinced to be the smartest, the cleverest, and the most intelligent kid of all, and constantly shouting it out loud to the world. The real tragedy was his boastings weren't limited only by his scientific skills but even by normal and everyday matters, and that four-eyes never lost the chance to exhibit his 'infinite' knowledge and to ridicule other scientists' work, pointing them in a very nasty way the eventual flaws and mistakes made, explaining what he would have done in their places.
To be honest, since he was a cadet he had always been this way, but a week ago his behavior worsened because of an incredible event. Being in Honors Pre-Science class at school wasn't enough, no: Luck had decided him to be the winner of the national contest for infant prodigies, and this had contributed in emphasizing the most negative traits of his character. Needless to say, it was also damaging his relationships with the other kids, but he didn't seem to become aware of this; if he would have kept acting so, Numbuh 74.239 doubted during these days his colleague would have gotten out unscathed from the lab. They weren't adults, but that wouldn't stop primitive homicidal instincts to manifest themselves in ten-year-old scientific geniuses who didn't have had the chance to take part in the contest.
Though it didn't mean those feelings weren't forming inside of them yet, be careful.
Numbuh 74.239 crossed his arms and witnessed the scene that was looming in front of him.
"… the bigger blowcases must be placed at the sides, while the littler ones in the center, so the shelf won't break down and we'll know where the most important substances are situated, so we won't waste time in searching for them. Don't you think so?" Numbuh 71.562 was explaining with an air of superiority to the unlucky science nerd after putting the objects in the order requested by him.
"Yes, but I believed-"
"Sorry if I interrupt you," said the black-haired scientist, revealing he actually wasn't sorry for his interruption at all, "but what you believed was totally illogical: this was the only natural way, and whatever you may have thought, it was useless. Oh, Numbuh 81.920! Are you realizing you are going wrong with that invention?" he cut off the conversation and approached a girl with eyeglasses and short dark brown hair tied in a ponytail.
The child raised her eyes from the instrument she was testing, slightly pissed for having diverted her concentration. "What?" she asked rudely.
Numbuh 71.562 took a brief look of the appliance and what was inside of it: a minute tornado alimented by two hoses connected to the machine was whirling incessantly. "You're trying to increase its speed, isn't it?"
"Yes, but-"
"Why don't you increase the emission air too, then?"
"Listen," hissed the female scientist, knowing too well the personality of the boy, "You must establish the right power factor without the risk of blowing up the-"
"Look." Numbuh 71.562 pushed carefully some buttons at the surface of the instrument. Contrary to all the girl's expectations, the little whirlwind's rotation acquired swiftness without breaking the device from inside or causing any other damage. In her face.
"See?" asked Numbuh 71.562 proud of himself, "I already knew how to do, and thanks to my extraordinary intelligence, I understand the functioning of several devices faster than the others. However, you must know I think you're very shrewd, and also that your cleverness could be comparable to mine, if you weren't a girl."
At this statement, a deafening silence fell on the room; the science nerds stopped their work and looked at the two children, not believing their ears.
Numbuh 81.920 gave him a death glare: "What did you just said?" she questioned in a whisper.
"Oh, it's not your fault." clarified the buck-toothed genius, completely clueless of the sudden quietness of the place and the girl's rage. "It's scientifically proved the women's brain is less developed than men's, but you don't need to worry, you're actually pretty good despite this natural disadvantage."
The other kid scientists kept their mouths shut. Of course: they wanted to hear what he would have said afterwards.
Numbuh 71.562 lifted his wrist and watched the time, not noticing that the girl's eyes were bloodshot, her breath was becoming more frequent and her fingers had grabbed the instrument's sides; an acute observer would have perceived the child was calling all her strength into play to raise the machine for a very obvious reason. "It's already five o' clock!" he cried, "I have to return home early today: my grandparents are coming from Alaska to congratulate with me for my nomination as the most intellectual infant prodigy of America…" he raised his voice at the last six words, "…if someone didn't know it yet." concluded with a satisfied grin. He was damn well aware they knew that: he had passed the last days in reminding them.
"Please, don't make nonsense while I'm gone, okay?" he added gathering his things, "It's very tiresome for me arranging everything back, later." Before leaving, the dark haired boy patted Numbuh 74.239's shoulder. "I have lot of faith in you, Gabe; you're gonna be a great scientist. Who knows, maybe one day you'll even reach levels near to mine." he told him with a glowing smile.
Numbuh 74.239 resorted to all his self-control to not punch him on the face.
"Bye everyone!" said the conceited kid, not caring about the heated glares the science nerds were casting to him.
Once he was gone, a superhuman cry that seemed to belong to demoniac creature imprisoned in Hell's core risked to burst (and to water some pants) the science nerds' eardrums.
"Don't, Numbuh 81.920!" cried the brown-haired kid to his friend, who had just taken the device and was holding it above her head, aiming to the door. "Calm down!"
"I'm NOT calming down! I'm gonna kill that male chauvinist idiot right now!" she striding made out for the exit."
Numbuh 74.239, perceiving the situation was getting worse every second, put himself in front of the girl and tried to get her to see sense. "Please Lucy, be yourself again! You can't get rid of him, think it over: what do you tell to the Supreme Leader? Where do you hide the body?"
"I don't care now! First I kill him, and then I'll think about it!" shouted the female scientist blinded by fury, stating the typical thought most murderers had before committing their crimes.
The boy called for assistance: "Guys, can you help me to persu-"
To his great horror, he figured out his colleagues didn't wish to deter their friend at all from her bloody project, on the contrary…
"Go, Numbuh 81.920!"
"Give him a lesson!"
"Yeah, give him an anatomy lesson!"
"Tear him to pieces, Lucy!"
"No, no, no, NO!" yelled Numbuh 74.239 in despair. "Please friends, calm down…"
"We'll calm down when we're done with him!" replied a fervent kid, and the others screamed and howled their approval, by now the Spirit of War having taken possession of everyone.
"Numbuh 81.920, you won't fight this battle alone!" Said the chubby boy who had been reprimanded by the hated science nerd now holding a pitchfork that it was better not knowing where he had taken from. "You can count on me!"
"I'm serious!" Numbuh 74.239 made a last, despairing attempt, "All this is abhorrence, not only for human reasons, but above all for logical grounds! How are you going to explain his disappearance to the Supreme Leader?"
"We go to a toy shop, buy a life-sized doll of Mandark (1), dress it with a white coat and fasten two marshmallows in its mouth. Nobody will notice the difference." replied another science nerd as it was the most obvious thing in the world. His idea was welcomed with cheers.
"I'm going to buy it!" volunteered a little boy.
"I beg you!" continued Numbuh 74.239, "You must overcome your anger, we're scientists, for God's sake! We represent the reason, we must appeal to it, it's our duty to the human race! We're the light of knowledge in a dark world full of ignorance and prejudices that shows the right way to humanity! You can't throw in the bin centuries of sacrifices made by science! You'll wrong the human genre if you behave like this!"
"We'll make more wrong to it if we don't get ride of that bighead!" shouted one.
"Right!"
"I come with you guys!"
"Let's give him our congratulations for the victory!"
Some kids took scissors, stakes, pliers and chairs and other things that could slightly serve as a torture means. After having gathered everything necessary for their revenge plot, they got ready to go out of the door, but they stopped as they saw the brown-haired scientist blocking the exit in a heroic attempt to make his friends come back in themselves. Though, he was scared: he knew even if his colleagues were furious against the 'infant prodigy', they were so overwhelmed by hatred and homicidal thoughts that wouldn't have hesitated to pass through him; parts of his body were perceiving they wouldn't came out from this unharmed if he didn't step aside from the door soon enough.
"Out of the way, Gabe!"
"I wouldn't dream of it, I won't let your uncontrollable rage to ruin our reputa-"
A noise coming from outside was heard, and behind his back the door handle started to move, indicating someone was going to enter the room. The crowd got wound up.
"It's him!"
"C'mon, guys! Luck is on our side, there's no need to reach for his house anymore!"
"Yeah, we won't have to hide!"
"Or being careful of witnesses!"
"Let's give some regards he will never forget!"
"Stop it! Lower your voice!" Numbuh 74.239 sidestepped a little for the left, trying in vain to silence the kids, "Please, we must- DON'T, 81.920!"
Suddenly the girl, completely mad, with a loud scream she threw the device at door's direction in the exact moment it opened; but when the instrument left its owner's hands, the science nerds found out with horror their visitor wasn't Numbuh 71.562.
It was Numbuh Infinity.
Time seemed to slow down; the machine flew on the air heading inexorably for the dark skinned diplomat who was talking with someone at the mobile. At that sight, the boy's eyes widened from behind his shades, caught unaware by the flying object that was going to collide with him. Just when the device was about to knock on the operative's head, the pre-teen, thanks to innumerable trainings made in the Organization and lots of extra-terrestrial experiences, dodged it by stooping and sending it crashing noisily into the floor behind him.
Silence filled the room once again. Numbuh Infinity looked at the broken thing, then at the other kids. The science nerds from rebellious and angry became silent and frightened, even the ones who were shaking excited their improvised weapons before now had changed into statues: they didn't dare to move a single muscle. Slowly, they let them fall on the ground.
After more minutes of silence, Infinity brought back his phone to his ear and said: "I'll call you back; it seems they have organized a surprise lynching against me." There was a pause, and then he added sternly: "No, I'm not going to die, so don't you ever think of bringing your things to my bedroom." Said this, he concluded his call and returned to glare at the crowd. Deep inside, he knew sooner or later this day would have come, however.
"Okay, if that's because I've postponed the KND natural science contest, there's no need to behave this way; you just have to say you don't like it and through a peaceful debate we could come to a reasonable decision."
"Sir…"
"Numbuh 69.087, put that pitchfork down!"
The chubby kid did what it had been ordered to.
"Infinity, it's not what you think, we- I mean, them- didn't want to hurt you!" Numbuh 74.329 jumped in.
The diplomat raised skeptically a brow to his friend.
"It's the truth, they were just angry with Numbuh 71.562." explained the kid scientist.
"So, are you telling me they wanted to lynch him and not me?"
"Yes! I mean, no! Sort of. By the way, you must know they were the ones who, conditioned by a primitive rage, wanted to torture him; me, instead, being the light of reason, I haven't been overwhelmed by these medieval instincts and tried at my own risk to make them-"
"Okay, I get it." cut off Infinity, "Why this sudden hatred towards Numbuh 71.562?"
A chorus of enraged voices roused from the group of children, words drowning out other words in the attempt to explain to the leader their personal motives.
"Once at time!" cried Infinity.
"He's a stupid bighead!"
"He does nothing but showing off his so called intelligence!"
"And even declaring it's better than ours!"
"He's always correcting us if we make a mistake!"
"And he points it out in in an oily way!"
"He imposes his own ideas on us!"
The voices gradually began to increase intensity.
"He blackens our abilities!"
"He humiliates us!"
"He blames us if something goes wrong!"
"He believes he's the smartest of all!"
"He says he can do everything!"
"He says he KNOWS everything!"
"ENOUGH!" shouted Numbuh Infinity. He sighed: he was too young for this.
"Infinity, would you like to sit and rest?" asked the brown haired scientist, "I know you've had a hard day. Heck, you've just even had a near-death experience!"
"We all do, Gabe." replied the diplomat, "Everyday. It's called 'living'." He then passed his fingers through his hair and addressed back to the rest of the science nerds assuming a normal, but firm tone of voice. "Listen, I understand Numbuh 71.562 most of the time acts like a jerk, but beating him isn't a solution. You should know better than me. For Pete's sake, you're scientists, not cavemen! You should be above this nonsense and let go these kind of things, otherwise you'll cause serious damage someday!"
"Exactly!" confirmed Numbuh 74.239 indignant to his colleagues, who lowered their gaze ashamed.
"We only wanted to make him understand how we feel," uttered a very young science nerd of eight staring resentful at the ground. "It's not fair he goes around bragging he knows more than everyone else." The other kids groaned in approval.
Numbuh Infinity glanced at the scientists. He had to admit it was hard for someone doing his job while an arrogant dork kept criticize his efforts and telling he was way better than him. The diplomat knew how it felt: he himself sometimes had to deal with such people when he had to attend GKND matters. After all, the science nerds were right: people like this needed a lesson.
Also, he absolutely had to put a check on their belligerent mood or, as it had just almost happened, someone could nearly get killed and at this point, chaos would have ensued, above all against the relationships with the upper grades.
But how?
Infinity rubbed his chin deep in thought. It was true: Numbuh 71.562 knew everything, there wasn't a single existing plant, object or animal he couldn't…
Existing.
He smiled, an idea crossing his mind. What about non-existing… or fictional things?
"You're right, he needs a lesson." he said out loud. "But I bet he doesn't know everything, at least everything imaginary, and we'll show him."
The kid scientists looked at him confused. "What do you mean, Infinity?" asked Numbuh 74.239, curious.
"I have an idea, but I need all your help to play it out."
The children became interested; maybe this was the good chance to get that bighead off his high horse. "And what is it about?" One of them questioned.
"I'm telling you now, first we need someone who Numbuh 71.562 never met and who can perform fairly good."
"Who?"
The diplomat thought about it for a minute and glanced at his mobile. He frowned and whispered to himself: "I hope I'm not making a mistake in choosing him…" He seemed to be doubtful, but then shook his head and addressed to the science nerds with a smirk: "Fine, come up to me everybody, this is what we're gonna do…"
(1) Dexter's arch-enemy from 'Dexter's Laboratory'. Yeah, I know it's lame.
Author's Note: Well, that's it. Thanks for reading, everyone! I'll begin start translating chapter 5 of Operation WIFE monday 'cause this weekend I'm going to Milan to see a concert of Roger Waters, Pink Floyd's songwriter. *yeeah*. I hope to finish it before 15th of April because I'll go to Berlin with my classmates and I won't stay for a week.
Well, thanks for everything. Hope you liked it!
-Ines