Chapter 3: One night only
'Dirty,' Meredith slightly slurred and Cristina honestly had to think for a moment to realise what Meredith was referring to. Ah, the 'let's go to bed' comment, which did rather suggestively follow after 'let's do something new.'
'You've got a dirty mind,' Cristina admonished Meredith, but she said it with a smile. Groaning loudly, she got up and with considerable effort pulled Meredith to her feet too. Cristina grabbed the baby monitor in one hand and supported Meredith with her other arm. Pushing and pulling she moved Meredith up the stairs. At one point, Meredith attempted to check on Zola, but Cristina managed to prevent it right in time.
'I'll go; you'd wake her up,' she whispered and led Meredith to her bedroom. Some of Derek's possessions were still lying around and Cristina pretended to ignore how tears welled up in Meredith's eyes when she saw them. After depositing the baby monitor on the nightstand, Cristina undressed Meredith, who was proving a nuisance throughout, since she could barely stand upright. Sitting Meredith down on the bed in just her underwear, Cristina rooted around in the closet until she found a particularly chaste nightgown, which she then proceeded to dress Meredith in. She tucked her best friend in and turned down the volume of the baby monitor. When she turned off the light she was almost convinced that Meredith would be asleep within minutes.
'You'll come back?' Meredith asked and her voice was so small. They had gone through some hard times together, but Cristina had never heard Meredith's voice sound so tiny and fragile. It twisted something inside Cristina that really didn't need to be twisted any further.
'I'll be back,' she promised and closed the door lightly. Zola's bedroom was not far off and she watched her sleep for a few moments. Zola was quite possibly the cutest baby ever and Cristina had seen her share of cute babies in hospitals. There were crazy people who thought all babies were cute, but Cristina knew better. She had seen babies with scary big heads, protruding ears, misshaped noses or just generally ugly babies. Yet, they always were special. Cristina understood the beauty of birth and babies, though she would argue it was also painful and hard work and sometimes your body never recovered. Owen would probably call it the miracle of birth, but what was really so miraculous about it? Two had sex, one get pregnant, one had a baby. Animals did it all the time.
She turned away from Zola and went into the hallway. Softly, so as not to wake the baby, she closed the door and stood in the hallway. It was driving her crazy that Owen didn't understand that she didn't want a child. If she could understand why people would want to have children, then why couldn't he understand why some people wouldn't want to have children?
It was not about being a good or bad mother, though despite Meredith's crappy childhood Cristina was sure Meredith was better qualified to be a mother than she was. It was not about being afraid or something like that. She liked her life the way it was. Sure, having a baby would make it more difficult to become the awesome cardiothoracic surgeon she planned to be, but it wasn't even about that. A child would be an unwelcome addition to her life, as harsh as that sounds. It would be like getting a boob job. Totally unnecessary and more trouble than it's worth.
And Owen knew she didn't want to have children. She had been perfectly clear about that all along and for him to get all huffy because she didn't change her mind... What was he anyway? Some poor deluded woman, who thinks that after she is married her husband will pick up his socks, will clean the toothpaste out of the sink, despite the fact that he never did that before. Cristina had always thought only women were foolish enough to think that marriage could magically change people for the better.
Cristina shook her head to rid herself of these unwanted thoughts as she slowly walked back to Meredith's bedroom. To her surprise, Meredith was waiting for her with the covers held up. Obligingly, Cristina shimmied out of her clothes and Meredith handed her a big, faded tee. Cristina decided not to think about how the shirt was probably Derek's and slipped it over her head. Meredith watched her as she got into the bed. They faced each other and once again Cristina decided not to think about how she was occupying Derek's place. Meredith propped herself up on her right elbow and leaned closer.
'You wouldn't have to call me darling, you know,' Meredith whispered. Their faces were so close together than Cristina could feel Meredith's breath on her lips. The smell wasn't even repulsive, probably because by now she was so starved for a drink that even the smell of alcohol was welcome. The sluttiness/flirtiness stage of drunken Meredith was always fairly amusing, but it had never been directed at Cristina, so she felt a bit bewildered.
'Honey would do. Or sweetie pie,' Meredith said and she giggled. Relieved, Cristina sighed and whispered that she perhaps could manage the sweetie pie. This causes Meredith to giggle even more and Cristina laughed too.
'On the other hand,' Meredith said and her face was very serious and thoughtful, 'if we started dating it would give Derek a heart attack.'
'Good idea; let's make a pro-list first,' Cristina snarked, but Meredith's playfulness had vanished again. She slumped against the pillow. Her mood swings are frighteningly fast and I'm the pregnant one, Cristina thought.
'I can't believe he doesn't understand why I gave Adele the medicine,' Meredith mumbled and she wasn't so much talking to Cristina as to herself or the universe or perhaps – if either one of them had been faintly religious – God. Tears were creeping into her voice.
'He can still be mad, after all, I did jeopardise the trial and that meant a lot to us and his career and all the people we could have cured. But he couldn't even muster a tiny shred of empathy for the decision. He said I didn't know right from wrong.'
Cristina wanted to tell Meredith she had never liked Derek. She wanted to remind Meredith of all the horrible things Derek had done to her; how he had slept with her without telling her he was married, the whole 'you were like a breath of fresh air' debacle, how he had called Meredith a whore when she almost slept with George, how he had thrown away the ring. Cristina would say that Derek had probably done some nice things too, but that she couldn't think of anything right now. Meredith would protest that Derek had helped Cristina through her brief existential surgery crisis and Cristina would say that didn't count, because it wasn't Derek being nice to Meredith, except indirectly. She wanted to say how Derek was not deserving of being called McDreamy; he was a McDouche. She didn't say any of these things. Instead she wrapped her arms around Meredith and allowed her to weep into her shoulder.
It was the kind of crying that tires you out. Not very loud but fraught with hiccups and wracking sobs. Cristina shook with her and she was feeling tired just from witnessing the outpouring of grief. She had no idea what she could do or say to ease the suffering no matter how unworthy its subject. Eventually Meredith's crying subsided and she looked exhausted. Cristina wiped away her tears with her big tee and Meredith smiled at her.
Meredith was tough. They were both tough. They would make it, as long as they had each other. It was as if Meredith could read this thought in her eyes, because she leaned forward and gently kissed Cristina. The kiss was nice and Cristina allowed it to go on for much longer than she should have. Tenderly, Cristina nudged Meredith away, because she was drunk and tired and emotional and her husband was a douche and she was in no state to make any decisions regarding whom she would like to kiss. Cristina definitely didn't want to take advantage of that.
'Good night,' Meredith warbled and her head found the perfect spot on Cristina's shoulder and settled there. Cristina did not protest against Meredith's sleeping position. She was too busy examining the kiss and her feelings about it. Cristina had loved Preston and she loved Owen. She thoroughly enjoyed kissing them and sleeping with them. Yet, all these years she had known they did not compare to what she felt for Meredith. She trusted Meredith. She depended on Meredith. More than she knew was sensible. And Meredith knew her better than she knew herself. Meredith was her person. Not that Cristina's feelings mattered one iota. Meredith is and will always be head over heels in love with Derek. Her best friend's breathing was slowing down and her body relaxed.
'Just for tonight, darling,' she whispered into Meredith's hair and cringed. Darling? That sounded ridiculous indeed. Just for tonight, I'll admit I'm in love with you, Cristina thought.
The end.
(***)
The sequel to this story is called Tender is the day and it is finished.