A/N: I don't own Glee, I do own most of the Pacific Ocean (but I let people use it for free - I'm nice like that)
Just a one-shot that came to me suddenly while re-watching the Klaine "I love you" show (so - it IS the best part of the whole episode isn't it?)
Hopefully not too many mistakes - I wrote it in 2 hours, hopefully I proof-read it well enough that any errors are only minor.
In rated it T just because I know some folks in some countries are a little hung up on even the MENTION of sex-ed etc.
Doesn't everyone want their parent to be like Burt Hummel?
Burt Hummel suddenly found himself becoming very, very nervous. His senses became almost preternaturally aware.
Touch: the rough cloth of the throw rug he was sitting on; the soft give of the sofa cushions beneath it; his left boot felt just a little tight (probably just a swollen ankle - another hangover from his heart scare)
Smell: the faint tang of auto grease that never really seemed to leave his work clothes (no matter how much Carole and Kurt tried); the sweetness of lilacs and some sort of tropical fruit the drifted across the sofa from his son (he must be trying out a new hair conditioner); something rich and mushroomy slowly braising in the kitchen
Taste: the bitterness of the beer he had just swallowed; the salt from the handful of pretzels (baked not fried of course) that Kurt allowed him as an after-work snack; the faint reminder of the handful of M&Ms he had sneaked from Finn's secret stash (which Kurt must never, never know he knew about)
Hearing: the sound of Mrs Wilson's son mowing their lawn across the street (finally); the distant sound of Finn killing space aliens (or something) in his room; the soft intake of breath from the figure sitting perched on the far end of the sofa.
Sight: Kurt's eyes were grey (always a sign of deep emotion); his lips were slightly red and swollen (he's been biting them again, more bad signs); Kurt's fingers laced and relaced themselves across his legs as he struggled with whatever it was he needed to say.
"Dad..." he trailed off again
"Just spit whatever it is out son" Burt's gruff voice rumbled as his eyes tried to convey the love and support he always had trouble articulating. "Are you OK? No-one has hurt you or ..."
"Oh no, Dad, no "Kurt flushed slightly (so much like his Mother, sometimes Burt's heart ached)
"I just wanted to ask you some things ..." Kurt's eyes were troubled, but not tearful. (and considering how easily his son teared up that was something to ease his worry)
Burt nodded, "you know you can always ask me anything kiddo, ANYTHING."
Kurt smiled gently, then drew in a deep breath and when for it "You and Mom, "he began, "and you and Carole" He licked his lips nervously "both of them, I mean, um ...no, I mean each of them, and you ..." Kurt's eyes flickered around the room before finally meeting his father's steady gaze. "How did you KNOW?" The young man seemed to have exhausted himself just asking the question, but Burt reluctantly felt he had to prompt him further.
"How did I know what son?" he asked gently
"You and Mom married just after high school, " Kurt replied his voice slightly higher in pitch than normal (even for him) "how did you ...um ... how many ... oh for the love of ..." Kurt's frustration with his own lack of clarity was clear (at least)
"I dated a few girls in middle school and high school" Burt answered, "and then I met your Mom and we did NOT hit it off well." Burt chuckled ruefully as he remembered their first meeting (which was not-so-coincidentally their first argument) "But for some reason she decided I was worth saving, and she saved me." Kurt smiled slightly at the obvious warmth in his Dad's voice. "She made it her mission to stop me being such a total jerk and taught me everything I know about being a human being."
Kurt felt the ache of his mother's loss throb in echo to the ache in his Dad's voice.
"I fell for her so damned fast ..." Burt grinned ruefully "but in reality it took almost a year for her to start seeing me as more than just a worthy project, and I still don't know how I got so lucky as to have her say yes when I asked her to marry me, or so lucky that we made you"
Kurt's eyes sparkled with unshed tears. So did Burt's.
"So was it a sudden revelation or a gradual thing?" Kurt asked quietly.
"It sort of sneaked up on us I think," his father answered carefully, "I mean, I was smitten, but I was in no way ready to settle down, get married, have kids and all that." He shook his head at his younger self's obvious idiocy "But by the time I had managed to change enough to be worthy of her love, I realised she had already given it to me months before and ... well ... we had a few fights and break ups and make ups like most couples do, but eventually I got up enough courage to ask her to marry me and she said yes before I'd even finished asking."
Kurt smiled through his tears.
"As for Carole, well ..." Burt removed his cap, wiped his bald head and replaced his cap again in a familiar gesture, " like I said at the wedding, it took me a while to realise what God was offering me, but this time I knew enough to recognise someone special when I saw them and I just jumped."
"I love them both Kurt, " his father struggled to find the right words to express some pretty complex feeling " I know Carole can never replace your Mom, but she is just as precious to me, just as special – it's so hard to believe that anyone can be so lucky twice in one lifetime."
Kurt nodded and gently touched his father's knee to indicate his acceptance of the statement.
"Mind me asking why the sudden deep and meaningful?" Burt asked equally gently.
Kurt hesitated, then slipped from his perch on the arm of the sofa and snuggled into his father's side, breaking eye contact, but staying connected through touch.
"I ... I'm, scared Dad." Every muscle in Burt's body suddenly went on alert as his breath caught in his throat.
"Is Blaine ...?" Burt began to rumble
"NO! Dad, I'm OK!" Kurt leant into his father's body even more, trying to calm his fright, "no one is hurting me or ... pressuring me or ANYTHING like that!" Kurt's voice rang with both truth and concern.
He reached out to grasp his father's trembling hand.
"Please Dad, calm down; I'm scared by my own feelings, not something or someone outside, OK"
Burt felt his heart thud inside his chest as it gradually relaxed back into a more normal rhythm.
Kurt continued to stroke his father's hand as he spoke softly beside him.
"I've been talking to my friends at McKinley, and at Dalton – about ...relationships" He rolled his eyes and chuckled ruefully at his father. "As well as observing the crazy barn dance that is the dating pool inside New Directions"
He turned to catch his Dad's eyes again, "and I'm scared because Blaine and I aren't like the rest of them."
Burt felt lost for words for a second "um ...son, you and Blaine aren't like the rest of them, you're gay remember"
"Oh please Dad," Kurt raised one eyebrow (in a much watered down version of his infamous please-bitch-Diva-glare). "Britt and Santana are different too, and even though Dalton isn't the Gay Hogwarts that Puck keeps assuming it is, I have been able to observe a fairly wide cross section of both straight and gay relationships."
Burt raised one of his own brows (in his much less infamous I-have-no-idea-what –to-say-to-that look of confusion)
Kurt ploughed on, "ok, let' go with this then. Blaine and I went to a party at Dalton the other night, remember?"
Burt nodded, also remembering the hangover Kurt had tried to hide the next day.
"And you also remember that the New Directions were also invited, and that Puck spiked the punch and we all got slightly tipsy"
Burt began to rumble again
" Dad, please" Kurt touched his hand again, "I have already informed Noah Puckerman that if he EVER does something like that again all they will ever find of him is the singed and bloodied remains of his stupid Mohawk"
Burt Hummel relaxed (but only a little)
"Anyway – it turns out that the Warblers had been getting ready to record the karaoke that evening, but instead the cameras recorded everyone acting like their drunken inner selves." Kurt blushed.
Before his father could ask or comment he continued "Anyway, everyone reverted to their drunken archetype. Quinn and Lauren started picking fights, Mercedes sat on a couch and giggled a lot, most of the couples started making out, or pairing off, or swapping partners" Kurt shuddered and blushed some more "It was horrendous"
Burt tried hard not to rumble.
"I was terrified when Wes and David were showing me the video, because I had no memory of what Blaine and I might have done, and last time Blaine drank it was ..." Kurt paused and decided against telling his father the details of that train-wreck extravaganza. "Anyway, you know what Blaine and I did while we were drunk?"
Burt didn't really want to know.
"We talked, right in front of one of the cameras. We planned our college applications, our college courses. We discussed where we want to live while we study in New York. We planned where we are going to live once we finish college. We chose the area, the style of house, the decor, we found pens and paper and wrote lists of essential furniture, colour schemes, Dad - we worked out a guest list for our wedding, "Kurt was shaking "Dad, we thought up names for our kids!"
Burt Hummel became very, very still.
Kurt was almost whispering now.
"Daddy, I know I'm only seventeen, I know that Blaine is the first boy I've ever dated," his slender body began to shake " I know he's only meant to be a first love, a high-school romance." Tears began to flow gently down his porcelain cheeks. "And I know that the odds of finding the ONE, the life-partner, the REAL thing are millions to one against, and to even think of finding your soul mate the first time you go looking is just insane but ..." Kurt wrapped his arm around his father's as sobs threatened to shake his body off the sofa and onto the floor "but Daddy, I think Blaine IS the one, and I know he can't be, I know no-one is that lucky and everything I know is telling me that I'm just fooling myself, but Blaine and I have talked about it, and he feels the same way, and we know that we're just setting ourselves up for a fall and that me being Blaine's first boyfriend too makes it all even more ridiculously unlikely ..."
The young man shuddered to a halt as he tried to catch his breath.
Burt placed a gentle finger on his son's lips as they parted to continue his verbal spray.
"Son," he said as his warm, loving eyes beheld the most precious thing in his life, "I can't tell you whether you have found the ONE or not." He paused to consider his next words (please God, let me say something right he prayed)
"You know Kurt, "he just began to speak, trusting in God or in his own love, or perhaps the ghost of his lost wife that the words would make sense, "the night you were conceived you mother and I ..." he thought of his son's probable embarrassment if he continued down that line "actually, in all my messing around trying to give you the TALK, about sex, I realise I forgot to cover something really, really important."
Kurt raised a curious brow.
Burt blushed this time, "I forgot to tell you about straight sex – no (ignore Kurt's wrinkled nose) this is important." He continued, "you know the mechanics of that I suppose?"
Kurt nodded reluctantly.
"Well," Burt continued, "if a man and woman are trying to have a child, every time they make love there are around 30 to 40 MILLION sperm that get sent off to ...do their stuff"
Kurt seemed lost as to where this was going (to tell the truth, so was Burt)
"And yet, only ONE gets to the egg and creates a new human being."
Kurt's eyes were dry now, but still confused.
"What I'm trying to say son," Burt drew him closer, almost onto his lap " is that every human on the planet is the result of a one in forty million chance, more if the conception happens on a particularly warm weekend when neither party needs to be at work..." He stopped as he saw his son blanch a little.
"What I'm trying to say Kurt is ... don't invest too much in your first relationship, that's wise – but also – remember, the chances of me and your mom being blessed with the exact right combination of eggs and sperm and ...stuff to create you, well – that's a pretty unlikely miracle too."
Kurt sighed as he relaxed into his father's warm embrace.
Burt sighed too. "I told you Kurt, you matter – and who knows, maybe the teapot dwarf with the lightning boobs feels he owes you a miracle or two of your own"
Kurt stiffened and looked at his father in shock.
"Finn may have mentioned some of the stories from the time I was in hospital to Carol who then told me."
Kurt's bitch face was there again.
"Just, you shouldn't dismiss what you and Blaine have anymore than you should try to exaggerate things – let it be son, let it be."
Kurt looked at his father. "That was mom's favourite Beatles song "
Burt thought deeply about where his words might have some from. Then he looked at his son.
"So ..." he drawled "kids' names huh?" He smiled at Kurt. "Did you call any of them Burt maybe?"
Kurt flashed the diva-glare and rose from the couch "I'm going to go check on dinner."
He paused as he passed through the doorway to the kitchen. "I love you Daddy"
"We love you too son" Burt whispered as his son turned and walked out. Then he realised that while the fruity smell of Kurt's new conditioner was fading, the scent of lilacs was as strong as ever.
Kurt's mom had always loved lilacs.