So this is a one-off, a holiday from Dr Lupin. I hope you like it. I don't own any of these characters or locations, but the situations are all mine! Also there's slash so if it's not your cup of tea, avoid etc etc. It's rated for the swears, no smut. Realised I misspelt Grimmauld. Brilliant. Take two.

Lupin was reading a book in the sitting room of 12 Grimmauld Place. It was evening, and the malevolent old house held an air that made him want to panic and run away. He had told himself sternly that he would get used to it - he had only moved in a couple of days before, the Order having decided someone ought to stay there all the time - and had settled down with a fat volume of PG Wodehouse. He had other books with him but could not bring himself to read anything remotely serious in the dank, dark old house that had such unwelcome memories.

He had half-forgotten his surroundings, so engrossed was he, that the fire leaping into life made him jump. He fumbled for his wand, knocking over his glass of water and swearing, but by the time his fingers had closed around it and he had stood up, Severus Snape was already in the room.

He brushed the ash off himself.

'A charming welcome, Lupin,' he said when he had finished. 'You had better hope that the Dark Lord can be repelled by your colourful language when you show yourself to be so ill-prepared for intruders.'

'What are you doing here?' asked Lupin rudely. His sleeve was wet from his drink, his heart was still thrumming and he was in no mood to bandy words with a hostile Snape.

'I come here after he calls me, and sometimes to use the library.'

'Why?'

'I can assure you that I am as displeased to see you as you are to see me though I must confess you are something of an improvement after Black, who entertained himself by setting booby traps. I trust that you have not tampered with anything since I was,' he sneered at the little scene of disarray that his arrival had caused, 'unexpected.'

Lupin bit his tongue to stop a retort. What did he care if Snape was there? Though he told himself he was annoyed at having his peace shattered, part of him was glad not be alone in the house.

'I'll leave you to your work then,' he said in a slightly more polite tone and sat back down, picking his book up from the floor and leafing through it to find where he had been before the interruption.

Snape left without a word and Lupin did not know what time he departed.

The next time Snape turned up at headquarters, Lupin was in the kitchen. He was singing along to a muggle radio he had unearthed in Sirius's boyhood bedroom as he cooked and consequently heard nothing. He turned around to see the sepulchral Potions master framed in the doorway and let out an undignified shriek.

He could have sworn Snape smirked momentarily.

'Hello,' he managed, catching his breath.

'I understand that receiving a shock is good for the heart,' Snape told him before brushing past him to make coffee.

'Well then, thanks,' he replied shortly.

Snape finished his task and moved to leave the room.

'Why do you come here?' Lupin asked. He had felt that Snape had answered the question inadequately at their last meeting and had been wondering about it.

'I told you, the library here is more appropriate for carrying out necessary research than that of Hogwarts.'

'But you said you come here after - Voldemort - calls you.'

'The meetings are still fresh in my mind,' Snape said evasively and carried his coffee out of the room.

Their third meeting was when Lupin saw a little of what being a spy cost Snape.

He was in the sitting room, and this time when the fire started managed to retain his decorum. By the time Snape arrived he was on his feet and pointing his wand at the fireplace. He lowered it when he saw who it was.

'You are learning,' said Snape coldly. He looked unwell.

'What happened to you?'

'A visitation of the Dark Lord's displeasure.'

'What did you do?'

Snape swayed where he stood but his pride stopped him from excusing himself and Lupin felt a pang of guilt.

'One does not have to do anything. One merely has to be present when he receives news which angers him.'

Lupin nodded.

'Would you like anything? Coffee? Food? I could bring it up to you. If you wanted to, ah, lie down.'

Snape looked mildly shocked at this.

'No,' he said wonderingly, then seemed to recollect himself and made to leave the room. He limped like a very old man.

Lupin stared after him. He was not surprised at any new viciousness that the Dark Lord displayed, he had had too much experience of war for that, but he thought that the secretive Snape must have suffered greatly to be so unable to hide its consequences.

He also thought that Sirius must have shown his share of cruelty, for Snape to be so taken aback at an overture of kindness.

Lupin soon learned to distinguish between the two types of visit, though of course few words were exchanged. When he came to use the library, Snape was his usual sharp-tongued self, but when he returned from Voldemort's summonses, he was almost monosyllabic and his black eyes were unfathomable. Sometimes he was hurt.

After Lupin had been in the house a few months, he heard the now familiar sound of Snape arriving by floo and went into the sitting room. He was no sure why; they did not exchange pleasantries, and Snape seemed unwilling even to reply to the most innocuous of salutations. However, with just the two of them in the house, he felt he should at least greet him.

As he walked in, he gasped.

Snape was standing in front of the fireplace clutching his side. When he saw Lupin, he tried to stand upright but what little colour there was in his face left it so that he was almost green. Lupin saw, with a hot rush of nausea, that blood was covering his hands, was leaking between his fingers. As he got closer he saw the black robes were soaked with blood.

He decided questions could wait and he led Snape to the sofa and laid him down.

'I need to see,' he said brusquely, and Snape nodded.

A quick charm and his robes and shirt were in a heap on the floor. Lupin bit his lip when he saw a brutal wound scored deep in Snape's white chest. It was bleeding heavily.

'I should take you to St Mungo's,' he said, but even as he said it he knew Snape would refuse.

He cast his mind back to the year after school that he had spent as a healer's apprentice and started to mutter some simple charms, passing his wand slowly over the laceration. The bleeding slowed but did not stop and he had reached the limit of his expertise.

'Accio dittany,' he said, hoping desperately there was some in the house, and his heart leaped when a tiny bottle flew through the open door. He caught it and let it drip into the wound, then siphoned off the blood.

He had not realised he had been holding his breath, but when he saw the bleeding had stopped he felt giddy and gulped for air.

Snape still looked grey. His eyes were half-closed and he was cold and clammy.

Not wanting to leave him but not knowing what else to do, Lupin raced to the kitchen where he thought there were a few healing potions. He ransacked the cupboards until he found them and grabbed a handful.

Back at Snape's side, he asked him, 'Will any of these help?'

He started to read out the names on the labels, Snape very still but listening, and when he read, 'gelofusum,' he tried to take the potion but could not lift his hand.

Lupin uncorked the little bottle and helped him to drink.

Seconds ticked slowly by and colour started returning to Snape's cheeks. His eyes flickered open.

'You look terrified, Lupin,' he said, and Lupin did not know whether to laugh or smack him.

'I was terrified,' he said in the end. 'What if I hadn't been here?'

'I would have managed,' Snape said crossly, and tried to sit up. As Lupin leaned forward to help him, he said, 'Actually, I don't know whether that is true.'

'So what happened?' Lupin asked him, rightly taking that as thanks.

'Nagini, his snake.'

'Might it be poisoned then? Do you know if -'

'If it was poisoned, I would be dead. I should probably not have made it back here even.'

Lupin sat back on his haunches. Now that the danger had passed he felt absurdly shaky.

'Can I get you a cup of tea or something?'

Snape assented, and Lupin escaped into the solitude of the kitchen, clutched the counter with both hands and took a few deep breaths. So this was the sort of uncertainty and fear Snape lived with. Little wonder he had no time for conventions and niceties.

He made the tea and brought it back to Snape, who by now was sitting up straight, his robes back on, repaired and cleaned. He sat down in an armchair, lit a cigarette and was relieved to see his hands were steadier.

'You did not ask me what I had done to deserve this,' Snape said, gesturing at his side.

'You told me the Dark Lord doesn't need reasons.'

'He doesn't, but this time he had a reason. He asked me to prepare a potion that would kill muggles but leave wizards and witches unharmed. I told him I could not.'

'Is that true?'

'What, that I could not? I believe it is possible. But it would be a dangerous precedent. He could introduce it into the water supply, perhaps. Then he would only have muggleborns to deal with.'

Lupin raised his eyebrows, sipped his tea. 'He didn't believe you.'

'Not entirely, I am afraid.'

'I thought you were an excellent Occlumens.'

'I am, but the Dark Lord - he - it is different.'

Lupin nodded.

'I suppose you can never relax, even when you aren't with him, because at any moment he might call. I don't know how anyone could switch so quickly between normality and - the other.'

Snape had stiffened in his chair but Lupin pretended not to notice, took another mouthful of tea and wondered why Snape had told him all this.

'I must go and work,' he said. He got up and staggered, so that tea slopped onto his arm, and he exclaimed in annoyance or pain then clamped his mouth shut to stop any further displays of weakness. Lupin looked up at him anxiously but realised any intervention would only make things worse.

'Good night Severus,' he said evenly and Snape twitched, an attempt at a polite nod.

He watched him leave the room and continued to stare after him. Snape was so very touchy; it was so difficult to know what he could and could not say. And besides, why should he care? Snape hated him anyway.

A week or so later it was a full moon and Lupin stood shivering in the basement, waiting. He had had to stop the wolfsbane; his work with the werewolves demanded it. It was bad enough that he lived amongst the magic world, but suppressing his alter ego would have left traces that the wolves would sense, and they would never accept him. Through resentment or envy, he could not say.

His clothes were in a heap in a corner with his wand. He had cast all the usual charms. There was nothing to do but stand and think about what was to come.

It started, as it always did. Nothing would stop it, or put it off. The snap of his bones, his skin stretching, the muscles tautening underneath. The pain, the writhing, the screaming. It was such a part of him that he sometimes thought a cure would delete some vital aspect of himself, that he would no longer be Remus Lupin. He would still take it, of course, if someone offered.

The night passed uneventfully. The wolf paced about the cellar for a bit, howled a few times, licked its wounds then settled down for sleep. The change back was almost painless and though he stirred in his sleep, he didn't wake.

He did not wake when the door opened either. Someone had reversed his charms and managed to unlock the door. Someone knelt over him and his eyes flickered open to see a creased brow, worried eyes and a big nose. Snape. He was safe. He shut his eyes again. The pain was too much to worry about Snape seeing him.

Snape cast spells on him to close the worst of the wounds and clean off the blood and sweat, then wrapped him in a blanket and levitated him upstairs to his bedroom. He woke up enough to swallow healing potions poured slowly down his throat before falling into a deeper sleep. He did not dream.

When he woke up properly, the sun was high and he thought it must be the afternoon. He was absurdly comfortable for a post-transformation day and he wondered why for a moment or two before remembering.

He sat up, his head feeling a bit swimmy, and looked around. No sign of Snape, though there was a plethora of bottles on the table by his bed and, on his desk, a plate covered by a silver cloche. There was a note, too.

Lupin,

I was compelled to leave but I trust you will recover.

You should treat your symptoms as follows:

Nausea - two drops of domperidone

Pain - a spoonful of salicylate tincture or, for more severe pain, a drop of fentanyl

Bleeding - a mouthful of the mixture in the large green bottle

I also recommend that you take the entire vial of the pink liquid. It is a concoction which will speed healing and improve general wellbeing.

I have also prepared a light meal, which is on your desk. A simple warming charm should make it palatable.

S. Snape

Lupin looked up from the note and smiled incredulously. So Snape had brought him up from the cellar, tended to his hurts, put him to bed, written him out a prescription and, to top it all, made him breakfast. He could scarcely believe it.

He sang in the shower, and the rest of the day he was in an extraordinarily good mood.

It seemed to Lupin that Snape stayed away longer than usual after his unexpected kindness, or perhaps it was that he was impatient to see him and thank him, and maybe pry a little into his motivation. It struck him that Snape perhaps stayed away for precisely those reasons.

But one night he did arrive, as blank-faced as ever, and Lupin felt his heart beating a little faster. He realised that he was nervous.

Snape was nervous too. He hoped that the werewolf would realise that he had simply taken care of him after the full moon as a way of discharging his debts, but that was not an easy thing to say when he was greeted with an eager smile and heartfelt thanks.

So he nodded to Lupin civilly but coldly in return, and he felt almost guilty when the werewolf's face fell.

'I trust you have recovered fully?' he said, by way of restitution.

'I have,' said Lupin with a guarded smile. He wore his emotions on his face, and although Snape generally sneered at that, he thought fleetingly how much easier, how much more pleasant, a life like that must be.

'It is unfortunate you cannot take the wolfsbane.'

'Ah, but you're busy enough as it is, without having to make that for me as well.'

'I enjoy the challenge,' Snape told him and the werewolf smiled.

'I was about to make myself some dinner. Will you have some?'

'I cannot stay long.'

'At least have some coffee.'

Snape sat in the kitchen and waited as Lupin made coffee, carefully and with great concentration. Then they sat together and Lupin watched as he sipped from his cup as if to reassure himself that it was drinkable.

'You could take the pot up with you if you'd like,' Lupin said as they drained their cups and Snape stood up.

'I will do,' said Snape, and stooping picked it up. Lupin handed him the sugar bowl.

'You should come for dinner one evening,' Lupin said apropos of nothing, and then blinked a couple of times.

'You must be in dire need of company,' Snape said sardonically, and left the room.

Lupin was in dire need of company, though he would not admit it. The war, and the price it extracted from the Order of the Phoenix, made him determined to say nothing of his own more minor suffering. After all, there were sporadic meetings at 12 Grimmauld Place, and the odd opportunity to speak to sympathisers about his experiences with the werewolves.

It was after one of these meetings that he found himself in the kitchen with Snape once more, and Albus Dumbledore who looked about two hundred years old that evening.

'Albus,' Lupin said, and the headmaster looked up from the wooden table that he was staring at. 'What is wrong?'

Dumbledore managed a watered-down version of his usual twinkle that did not deceive Lupin for a second, and denied that he was troubled.

'Frankly Lupin, that question was a triumph of the banal, even for you,' snarled Snape, who had been unpleasant that evening even by his own standards.

'Severus,' Dumbledore said. 'There is no need to jump down Remus's throat for expressing concern.

Snape looked as sulky as he had done in school and stalked out.

'It is Severus who is troubling me,' said Dumbledore immediately. 'I know he's always been a difficult sort of chap but… he appears determined to turn every Order member firmly against him, and I am really not sure why.'

Lupin shrugged. 'He's never had much time for any of us.'

'You say that, but I'm not convinced of the truth of it. Except now, he seems like he's purposely trying to destroy any lingering good opinion of himself that any of us hold. I just wish I knew why.'

'Have you asked him?' Lupin said, and then bit his tongue. Triumph of the banal indeed.

'I have, but naturally he would not tell me if there was anything that lies behind his current mood.'

'That doesn't surprise me.'

'Or me. Remus my dear, though I know you are busy enough, I had hoped that perhaps you might be the one who can find out what is going through his mind. He might speak more freely to you who has never asked anything of him.'

'I'll try sir, but I doubt I'll get on any better than you have.'

'Thank you my boy. It is the trying that matters to me, and perhaps it will be the trying that matters to him too, even if he will not speak.'

Lupin responded warmly to the Headmaster's goodbyes before brewing a fresh pot of tea and settling down in front of the fire with a muggle book and cigarettes, though the book quickly got dropped in favour of more interesting thoughts.

Lupin was sitting in his usual place on the sofa when once more the fire sprang into life. A few days had passed since Dumbledore had implored him to help the difficult Potions master and Lupin had spent a lot of time thinking about the matter. It had not helped him much, and he had no idea as to how to proceed. It made him more awkward than usual when Snape emerged from the floo network brushing down his robes.

'Severus,' he greeted him.

'What do you want, wolf?' snarled Snape, and Lupin felt unexpectedly hurt.

'I don't want anything from you,' he said sharply, and lit a new cigarette.

Snape looked down at him, pretending to read his book whilst blue curls of smoke eddied on the room's currents of air.

'I will brew the coffee,' he said, and though he did not sound exactly contrite, Lupin deduced that the words were an overture, almost an apology.

He followed Snape into the kitchen but told himself he would not speak, that he would make Snape speak first.

'You are uncharacteristically taciturn.'

'Considering my first word to you earned me an insult, can you wonder at it?'

Snape looked like he was considering this, then his mood seemed to change; he smiled unexpectedly, and Lupin found himself smiling back.

'You make a valid point. I am not used to company - at least, not without some underlying motive - and so I can be - ah -'

'Rude?'

'Yes. Rude.'

'How do you know I do not have a motive of my own?'

'Lupin, a person so completely transparent as yourself would not have a motive without my being aware of it.'

'Perhaps you overestimate your ability to understand me, Severus?'

Snape looked wary.

'Perhaps I do. Perhaps I do not take the trouble I usually do to ensure I know what a person wants from me.'

'Why is that?'

'I know the lunar calendar as well as you yourself, and so I know I have nothing to fear from you at this time.'

Lupin found himself smiling down into his coffee. He looked up.

'You're right. It would be a waste of energy to try to read me because I don't mean you any harm.'

Snape nodded.

'As a matter of fact,' Lupin said with a little trepidation, 'I do have a motive.'

He did not miss the fear that flashed over Snape's face.

'Professor Dumbledore asked me… well, he asked me to find out how you are. I mean, find out if there is anything bothering you. I know -' when it looked like Snape might interrupt him, 'of course, I mean, I can't imagine how it must be for you, doing what you do, but he thought there was something more. Something that someone could do something about, I mean.'

Well that was crystal bloody clear, he thought irritatedly to himself as he watched Snape anxiously.

'Dumbledore has the nerve to send his werewolf to try to find out what's bothering his spy?' said Snape slowly, and Lupin all but closed his eyes as he waited for the lightning to strike.

'He's worried about you.'

'He can worry all he likes, it doesn't stop him asking more and more and more of me, so much that I'm losing myself in scrambling to obey him. What he asks of me is breaking me, but he keeps asking. And then he has the gall to worry about my welfare? And not just mine… I'm telling you Lupin, if he gave a damn about us then he wouldn't push me past all endurance in a war that can't be won!'

Snape stood up with a jerk and Lupin winced.

'You can tell him that if I can't don't merit his mercy then I don't want his compassion,' he spat. He stalked from the room and Lupin heard the sitting room fire flicker into life and the whoosh of Snape flooing away.

He propped his elbows on the table and sank his head into his hands, and was surprised at how desolate he felt.

It would have appeared they had reached a stalemate. Snape seemed furious at Lupin's connivance with Dumbledore, and Lupin could think of nothing he could do that might improve the situation.

Snape still used the house at Grimmauld Place, but he would clamber out of the fireplace and sweep straight past the waiting Lupin and no amount of cups of tea left outside the library with a gentle knock would melt his heart.

Things might have continued in such a vein for an indefinite period, but for the wrath of the Dark Lord.

Lupin was sitting in the lounge, reading another novel from his collection, eating Honeyduke's chocolate and sipping coffee, when the fireplace flickered into life. He did not glance up. There was a limit to forbearance, and though he had no quarrel with Snape he felt he could not endure to be ostentatiously ignored any longer. He was about to turn a page when there was a thud, and he dropped his book and sprang to his feet.

He was kneeling by Snape's side in a moment.

'I am not injured,' the man said in a shadow of his normal sneer. He closed his eyes.

'Then what on earth's the matter with you?' Lupin asked. His hand, of its own accord, went to Snape's forehead, brushed back his hair.

'I require a moment to gather my strength,' Snape said, and with an effort he forced his eyes open.

Lupin looked down at the white face of the man on the hearth rug.

'You shouldn't stay down there. You'll catch a chill,' he said idiotically, and with an effort he lifted Snape and deposited him on the sofa.

He headed for the door, to retrieve a blanket he knew he had in his room, but a cry stopped him.

'Don't leave.'

He turned back, summoned the blanket, covered Snape. Then he knelt beside the settee.

'Are you sure you're not hurt?'

'Certain.'

Lupin picked up his chocolate bar and snapped off a corner. He put it in one of Snape's cold hands.

'Eat it. It'll help.'

To his surprise, Snape obeyed him.

They sat silently, Snape eating the chocolate that Lupin pressed into his hand. His cheeks started to pinken faintly, but he was tense and he looked - frightened.

'What happened, Severus?' Lupin asked him eventually.

'The Dark Lord - legilimency - and Dementors.'

Silence fell again. After a few moments, Snape cleared his throat. His eyes were closed.

'I must warn you. I think - there is a very small possibility that the Dark Lord saw a little of what is in my mind. There is only so long anyone can hold out against Dementors. And - you may not be safe.'

'I'm not safe anyway, Severus. I'm sure the Dark Lord knows what I'm up to, who and what I am. Besides, this is a war. None of us are safe.'

Snape sat up.

'This is different,' he said. His eyes were open now but staring blankly.

'But why? What's happened? What did he see tonight?'

'Do not ask me to -'

'If I'm in danger, new danger, you can at least tell me why!'

Snape looked at him, his face twisted, and he started to speak and seemed unable to stop.

'I told Albus, I told him, of all the things he has asked of me, that this was the worst, coming here, seeing you, you seeking out my company. I knew nothing good could come of any of this! I knew I couldn't keep you safe, keep you out of my mind! And I have tried… I've tried my hardest not to let it happen, but it has, and now I think maybe he knows and if he ever finds out about me, or I ever put one foot wrong, it won't just be me he comes for! He knew I was keeping secrets from him - what if he thinks I haven't been punished enough? Fuck! Fuck!'

He was sitting and shaking, his hands clenched into white-knuckled fists, and he looked like he might hit something.

Lupin's own hands were trembling but he covered the fists with them.

Snape looked at their hands in his lap.

'Remus… I'm sorry.'

'Please don't be sorry. Please - I -'

'Do you understand now?'

Lupin knelt forward, his heart thrumming, and planted a brief kiss in answer on Snape's trembling lips.

'If he knows, he knows. But Severus, he won't be here forever.'

A light burned in Snape's dark eyes. He cupped Lupin's face in his hands, dropped a kiss as soft as a snowflake on his forehead, kissed his mouth greedily.

When he broke away, Lupin said, 'One day things will be different.'

Snape nodded, then stood up.

'Severus… this is worth the danger.'

Snape shook his head. He looked exhausted and wretched, the fierce joy drained from him.

'I can't let anything happen to you, and it be my fault,' he said, his face as bleak as midwinter.

Lupin understood, and he watched like a statue as Snape Obliviated his own memory of the kiss, and turned to leave.