AN: You know the drill. I own nothing except the idea. I'm simply borrowing from J.K.R. for a bit of fun.
AN the Sequel: I made this a one shot, but if I get enough reviews and generally people want it, I may continue it.
Enjoy.
It was a dark time.
Hermione Granger's sixth year of Hogwarts was rough. Not nearly as rough as her non-existent seventh year and not rough in the same ways as her fifth year when she fought Death Eater's in the Ministry of Magic or her fourth year when she was ridiculed by Rita Skeeter and had to help her best friend through tasks that would end up causing him more pain, harder than being friendless and stressed out with all of her classes, watching Buckbeak get killed and illegally time traveling to save Sirius Black or being petrified or facing a three-headed dog.
Hermione Jean Granger could handle the stress of work and tasks and adventures. Her logic allowed her that. She was able to withstand what a lot couldn't, though always letting friendship be a key factor in her life, she wasn't heartless after all.
No, what made it hard was the emotions. They never were something she was good at keeping in check. She was astounded that she could face a devil's snare and many other challenges with a cool head but watching him kiss another girl….
It hurt something inside her she had known was there but had no idea how strong it was. The scene in the classroom, casting oppugno, had been a mistake. A serious lapse in judgment. Something she cursed herself about whenever it crept into her head, which was all the time…
But it didn't matter. There were more important things. Helping Harry get the memory from Slughorn, helping Harry deal with Sirius's death, generally, helping Harry. He was a priority.
Most people thought they had dated or were dating at some point, especially during their fourth year, but it wasn't like that at all. Harry was her best friend. Their relationship was strictly plutonic and something she found comforting. Harry was a pillar she could lean on when she needed it and after all he had been through to still be able to be there for her when she needed it for silly things like petty emotions over boys was one of the many reasons she admired him. He was truly the definition of a great friend.
She could never see herself with him. He was her brother.
He wasn't the problem, he was perfectly fine, it was the other one. Ron. He had always been a cause of trouble and turmoil for her. But he had always cared and made it up to her even if it was in just a small way, it meant the world to her, he meant the world to her.
She was so jealous. Hermione Granger, jealous of another girl. It wasn't natural. She sighed and put her quill down. No use writing when you were pressing so hard on the parchment you left indentions. The library had always been a haven for studying, now it was a haven from him, from that feeling she got in her stomach and heart every time he was around with his new…whatever she was.
She pushed the parchment aside and laid her head on the table. Her eyes welled up. She wasn't going to think about it, but couldn't help herself. Tears welled in her eyes as she thought about their latest display in the common room. She just couldn't handle it. She felt violated, someone was breaking their trio up and Harry would rather spend time with Ron when Lavender wasn't around.
No, really, no more thinking about it.
Hermione heaved her bag onto her four poster in the girls dormitories. There was a Slug Club dinner tonight that she had decided to go to, it wouldn't be in the common room or anywhere near them.
She looked at her hair in the mirror beside Parvati's bed. It wasn't out of control. She had learned a little bit about being a girl since her first year and while her hair still wasn't exactly average, it was at least tame. Still, for the dinner, maybe she should pull it back?
What was the point? It's not as if anyone would be looking at her.
The door opened and Lavender and Parvati entered giggling and muttering things that Hermione tried to not here.
"And then, when he was kissing my kneck, he said…" Lavender cut off. She stared at Hermione and smiled shyly. Parvati remained silent, trying to be impartial.
The silence was deafening. Hermione felt like it was closing in on her, like the entire room had been cast under a silencing spell.
"I…I have to…" Hermione stood up and walked out, unsure of what she had to do or what the two would say when she left. She didn't care what they said, she cared that they saw her showing that weakness that she couldn't control. She took the stairs quickly and saw Ron and Harry talking by the fire. They looked up, so did a few other people her descent had been fast and unexpected. She strode across the room and left through the portrait.
Slughorn's dinner wasn't until seven, it was six, she would go to the library and find something to do even though her bag was still in the dormitory.
She let her feet lead her down the familiar halls to the library but that wasn't where they took her. They took her to an abandoned classroom where she shut the door, leaned against the wall and cried.
Harry had ducked out another dinner. She hated him for it. She didn't like being there alone without anyone she was really familiar with. Belby was eating like it was going out of style, Slughorn was talking animatedly to Cormac and the entire table was filled with general chatter. Everyone except Hermioine who really didn't have anything to say.
She picked lazily at the food on the plate. It was excellent, as it always was, but she just wasn't feeling the mood tonight. She was tired. Sleep was becoming a precious commodity. Afraid of overhearing Lavender and Parvati talking about Ron, Hermione waited in the common room before she was unable to keep her eyes open before slipping into the dormitory where everyone was already sleeping.
She also liked to keep to the library a lot. Ron, of course, was never there. Neither was Lavender and generally it was a nice place to be, no one bothered her.
"It seems a waste."
The voice was coming from her side. She looked up, fork pushing at her own personal Cornish game hen. Blaise Zabini. The seventh year from Slytherin who seemed to always have a haughty look on his face. Hermione, at this angle, could tell it was merely his bone structure and if she looked close enough his face actually seemed monotone, disappointed, tired. She could relate.
"What's a waste?" While he was a Slytherin, Hermione didn't feel the automatic ill-will towards all of them like Ron and Harry. She and Blaise had never had an encounter, how could she know if he was as terrible as Draco?
A shadow of smirk graced his lips but was soon gone. "Being here. I'm well connected as is. I don't need to be in the Slug Club. I could be studying, with friends, or just not here."
She smiled at the last line, knowing the feeling. But still, the Slug Club parties were at least some place she knew Ron and Lavender wouldn't stumble upon`. The thought of them made her smile disappear.
"Mmmm," she said. Zabini seemed to think that a reasonable answer and didn't speak to her the rest of the night. She hoped it wasn't because he thought her annoyed with him. If she were perfectly honest. It was nice to talk to someone that wasn't connected to her torment in Gryffindor tower.
Even if he was a Slytherin.
Harry wasn't keeping to one friend more than the other like she had expected. He was reading needs and could tell Hermione needed a friend more than Ron and was at her side, ready to comfort or talk or just sit with her while she studied. She appreciated that.
"So, you asked Luna to Slughorn's party, then?" She liked the pairing of friends. Hermione was well aware of Harry pining for Ginny, but still, he could have some innocent fun with Luna, she was a dear friend.
"Yeah, I figured that's safest, considering."
"Considering neither of us can go with who we want to go with." Hermione nodded knowingly. "But it doesn't matter….I don't even want anymore…I have a date."
"Oh?" He grinned at her slightly. "Who is that?"
"Let's just say it's a surprise."
"Mmm," he said, narrowing his eyes. "Right."
She smiled gently at him and forced him to get out transfiguration homework.
The Christmas party approached fast. Hermione had thrown herself into school work ignoring anything that might distract her….like boys for instance. Her date wasn't a worry, just someone to make Ron jealous. She regretted the decision everyday. Cormac McLaggen was actually vile. There was no other word. He was pompous and not in the endearing Ernie MacMillian way. He was angry and full of himself and she knew that the party was going to be almost as painful as sitting in the common room while Lavender sat in Ron's lap crooning his name…
What she regretted most was making a big deal about it in front of Ron. It had felt great at the time, wonderful, even, when he looked so dumbstruck. Later she hated herself for resorting to such measures. It was way beneath her but she couldn't seem to help herself.
Those moments: oppugno, asking McLaggen, bursting into tears on the harder days made Hermione realize that so far, this had been the worst year for her at Hogwarts. She knew it was ridiculous when Harry had so much to face, with the private lessons with Dumbledore, his love for Ginny, his feelings of regret over Sirius. For her to be putting so much stock into Ron having a girlfriend that wasn't her and letting it tear her up was unacceptable, but she couldn't stop.
It needed to stop before she did something really irrational.
Cormac had spent the entire night talking about himself and Quidditch and his connections and himself and his family's importance and himself and most of all himself. He was under the impression that he knew things that Hermione didn't and it took all of her will power to not correct him when his information was wrong.
Slughorn had greeted them happily enough looking pleased that two of his new collection seemed to be hitting it off. He had asked if they wanted a drink and when Cormac took the liberty of answering for them both Slughorn seemed to have a waiter at their side with two butter beers.
The party was well stocked with interesting people, plenty of food, and a variety of drinks. Pumpkin juice and butter beer were harmless enough. But wine and Rosmerta's Oak Matured Mead were another. Some of the older guests who were mingling so easily seemed to be partaking in those drinks though. Hermione figured it would be polite to decline anything stronger.
When Cormac had cornered her under the mistletoe and proceeded to, well, what she felt like was attack her with his mouth she quickly departed, expressing an excuse about being thirsty, even though her butter beer was almost completely full.
She darted away from the boy, horrified at what she had experienced and searched for a familiar face in the crowd. There he was!
Harry and Luna were on their own and Hermione approached quickly, trying to duck into a crowd of people and take a long route to the couple to throw off McLaggen. She succeeded. For now, at least.
"Harry, Luna! Hello," she smiled at them.
Luna beamed back and glanced at a tall pale man standing not too far away. Harry cocked an eyebrow at her. "What's happened to you?"
"Nothing, I've…just left Cormac under the mistletoe."
"Oh, I thought you looked…rumpled."
"He's completely horrible. I can't believe I'm here with him. Why would I do that?"
"I suspect nargles. You were under mistletoe, weren't you? They tend to lurk there, you know," said Luna dreamily, turning to look at Hermione. Her stare was too piercing, Hermione averted her eyes, something she didn't often do.
"Right, well," she said to the floor. She glanced up and saw Cormac making his way through the crowd toward her.
She swore. "I've got to go, have fun you two."
She ducked away quickly, slightly bumping into Ginny who looked at her in surprise and then worry when she saw the disheveled Hermione with an expression of anxiety. Hermione was about to escape safely into the girls lavatory when he cornered her.
"Where have you been?" Cormac looked mad, defiant.
"I was saying hello to Harry. He's my friend."
"Well," said Cormac, obviously annoyed. "I wasn't done telling you my story about when my father and I were-"
She cut him off, not at all in the mood to hear another story about the great Mr. McLaggen. "Cormac, I don't care."
He stared at her as if she had slapped him. His face began to slowly turn red. "You asked me!" He was indignant.
"I don't want you," it was all she had to say. It was the right thing to say. It was what she wanted.
He opened his mouth, closed it, glared at her, turned a darker shade of red and then punched the wall beside her. Hermione jumped, heart thudding. Cormac merely stalked away and left the party. Hermione put a hand on her heart and felt it fluttering in her chest.
She looked back onto the party and caught sight of Filch leaving, looking dejected and Snape and Malfoy leaving soon after that. Apparently her spat with McLaggen had covered up some scene that people were still muttering about. She rejoined the party, glancing around for Harry but finding him nowhere. Luna was talking to the tall pale man she had found out was a vampire and Ginny was gone as well. She was alone.
And she was starting to hate for the feeling that built inside of her like wildfire.
The party was in full swing. Many of the students had been ushered away except for some of the older ones who were now enjoying a more intimate gathering that involved more drinking and less schmoozing. Hermione was nowhere to be found in this party. Oh no, she was having a bit too much fun elsewhere.
After she had realized her loneliness she had downed an entire glass of Rosmerta's mead. She then decided that a glass of wine wouldn't hurt and somehow, she even managed a shot or two of Firewhiskey. She was buzzed, she was drunk. She was giddy.
She was not alone.
How it had happened, she couldn't recall. All she could feel was the soft lips on hers, the hands that roamed freely over her and the warm body against hers. How she had ended up in this corridor with this boy was beyond her. Personally, she blamed Ron, but her brain was saying it was all the alcohol.
She hissed into the lips as the boy picked her up and pushed her against the stone wall, hard, holding her up and kissing her, more intense, more need. Part of her ached, he was too rough, especially the way he grabbed pushed her around as if to get a better hold on her, a deeper one, a more intimate one. It wasn't mean or drunk though, it felt good to be handled like this. Hermione had never felt more alive and wanted it to never end.
He broke from her lips and trailed kisses down her neck causing a soft moan to emit from her lips. She knew she would be sore from being handled so roughly, but some part of her wanted more and what scared her, some part felt she needed it.
Kissing Viktor had been exhilarating, he was older, strong, and exciting. He had really liked her, was gentle with her, was kind even if he wasn't exactly a conversationalist.
But this, this was much difference. The roughness, the rawness was more intoxicating than the drink. She felt a hand pull her leg up around the boys waist, felt another hand on the small of her back and wrapped her arms more tightly around the neck of the boy who was making her feel desirable and wanted, something she hadn't felt in a long time.
And to be quite perfectly honest, she couldn't figure out why she had been so upset in the first place.
Light was her enemy. She lay in her bed, hiding under the pillow and blankets, begging for the sun to sink back into the ground and grant her a few more hours dark and silence. The other girls were waking up and talking excitedly about end of term and heading home and slamming trunk lids and breakfast food and…
Oh god.
She was sure she would die. Hermione was sure her head would explode or her stomach would explode or something would kill her. She had never been hungover and it was the worst feeling in the world. Everything that wasn't laying in cool, dark, silence was torture.
Finally, after what seemed like days all the girls left. She was alone. She dozed in bed and relished the silence. It was the last day of term and she would not miss seeing Harry and the other Gryffindors. She pulled herself slowly out of bed, dressed at an agonizingly slow speed and walked quietly down to the common room and through the portrait hole.
The noises echoing from the Great Hall were enough to make her want to throw up right in the entrance hall, but she resisted the urge. Mrs. Norris was boring into her with her seemingly all-knowing golden cat eyes. She glared at the cat, blaming it for having to venture into the hall and then walked into the brightly lit room.
She would most definitely never drink again.
Hermione slumped into a chair next to Ginny and proceeded to not take food or anything to drink, but sat, looking down and trying not to vomit.
"You look horrid."
She looked up, too quickly and winced. It was Harry. He looked slightly amused, but something twinkled in his eye. He had something to tell her. "Well, never mind that."
He smirked. "Listen to what happened after Snape and Malfoy left…."
Whatever he was saying Hermione didn't register any of it. A group of Slytherin's had walked into the hall. They laughed and talked acting normal. As if today was no different from yesterday. But it was, Hermione now saw, it most definitely was.
In the middle of the group stood a tall Slytherin boy whose bone structure often made him look haughty. Well, he didn't look it today. He looked a bit ill, not hungover like herself, but she could tell he had been drinking at the party and she could tell he had done other things as well.
Something must have made Blaise look up because when he met Hermione's wide eyes he stopped and stared. They held the eye contact for what felt like a century unable to do anything but stare. He gave no indication of having noticed anything and followed his friends to the Slytherin table where he sat down and ate nothing but poured himself some coffee.
"Hermione?"
"Yeah?" She looked up, surprised that Harry was there, that she was in the Great Hall in fact. She had become absorbed in memories, on a hot body pushing her into a wall and roughly kissing her, touching her…
"Oh no," she said, panicked.
"What's wrong?" He was concerned, but she could see the annoyance of not having gotten to share his information.
Blaise Zabini had been her make out partner last night.
She listened as well as she could as Harry retold what he had witnessed. Hermione on the other hand was stealing glances at Zabini who was doing the same to her. On the rare moments their eyes met they simply held the gaze for a few seconds and looked away.
Worst part of all, she had enjoyed it.
And she hadn't thought about Ron and whats-her-name at all.