Lyall Lupin would say that it was nothing short of karma. He had only ever seen the bad of werewolves. After all, no good creature would be brought before the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures department. He had heard about how they lost all their sanity when the full moon rose, how they killed even the closest to them. And then there were those with such little humanity left that they'd seek others to kill, magical and non magical alike. Werewolves held power and ruthlessness that he could only pale at.

Suffice to say, Lyall despised werewolves. A hatred bred from his fear of them. In the end, his loathing for them only bore fruit in the worst possible way.

If only he had kept his mouth shut. If only he hadn't let the jeers of the other committee members get to him. If only he hadn't let his temper get the best of him. It was a horrible trait really. The temper that Lupins had.

The words he spoke that day haunted his memory. "Soulless, evil, deserve nothing but death."

Lyall wanted nothing more than to cut off his own tongue. Greyback was a frightening monster. If the one he had bit been Lyall then it wouldn't have hurt this much. If the one he had hurt was Lyall, then at least he could've hid away while his wife and son got to live freely. But Greyback turned the one person he knew would hurt Lyall the most.

His son.

"Soulless, evil, deserve nothing but death." The green shade of his eyes so much like Hope's. "Soulless, evil, deserve nothing but death." A scar, still so hopelessly fresh, peeked out of his shirt's collar. "Soulless, evil, deserve nothing but death."

For months following the initial attack, Lyall could not look at his son properly. Could not come to terms with the fact that the very son he loved and adored and poured all his affection into became one of those whom he absolutely despised. He could not fathom that the words he had spoken ("Soulless, evil, deserve nothing but death.") were now also directed towards his own child. Except his child wasn't soulless. He wasn't evil. He did not deserve death.

Remus was a boy so sweet and mischievous. He had inherited his mother's gentleness and vigour and had shown a great load of intellect for someone so young. He was meant to become someone glorious.

But he was in a small room instead. Decorated with protection and concealing charms alike. The amount of magic was almost stifling. And inside, Remus lay suffering. Tearing himself apart every full moon. New scratches bleeding red blood, much like his own.

And by then, Lyall could never understand just what it was that made him hate werewolves so much. This pain, this suffering, how could he hate a people who went through this every single month? His poor boy, only four years old at the time (too young, he was too young) would hurt like this every month.

Some nights he would grow so drunk and end up in Remus' room and break down crying and apologizing. Apologizing for not being able to protect him. Apologizing for all the things he said about werewolves. It was never enough to satiate the guilt that would eat up at the very core of his heart.

Not when he could hear his boy's cries after the full moon every month. Not when the scars that littered his body were a constant reminder that he had failed his duty as a father.

Two years passed since Greyback and Lyall had moved his family more times than he could count. People were too nosy and anytime it seemed like people were growing suspicious, they would pack up and leave.

And then they ended up here. A small town, more suffice to call it a village really, near the woods. It had been quite peaceful as they had lived on the very edge of the village where people rarely passed by. It helped that it was a muggle village and a weaker version of the muggle-repelling charm was more than enough to keep most at bay. Strong enough for people to think twice before visiting but weak enough that people were aware of their presence. After all, they did have to go to the center of the village for everyday items.

The only curious, and worrying, factor was the boy Remus had befriended. Lyall had been scared when he first heard of their budding friendship. Not just scared, downright terrified. He suspected the boy may be magical, or at least sensitive to magic as he was able to bypass the charm, but regardless, Remus' secret was too important to spill to anyone.

In fact, Lyall had been very strict about Remus not making any friends but this boy had managed to weasel his way in. And when he noticed how much happier and brighter Remus had grown in the next two years, it grew more and more difficult to tell him to stay away.

Ciel Forrest brought a light to Remus' eye that Lyall and his wife Hope could never bring. A parent's love is a treasure but it could not replace the companionship that a friendship could gift. And Ciel did not seem to hold the same curiosity most boys his age would have. He did not pry nor try to look into things so forgive Lyall if he had relaxed in his judgement and allowed their friendship to blossom.

Two years of stillness was a long time considering his son's infliction. That's nearly 24 full moons that he had experienced without arousing suspicion. It was disappointing, but not a surprise, when something finally gave.

To Tsuna, Remus was much like Fuuta. Not necessarily their personalities or their flames. But their eyes. Fuuta had come to him, pleading and desperate for safety. He had lost his childhood being at the mercy of mafioso and was so young when Tsuna took him in. Remus had the same look as Fuuta did.

One that spoke of a childhood lost to anguish with just a little bit of hope, just enough to continue on. Just enough to not grow bitter and resentful. As days had passed by and Tsuna finally got himself together, it was mainly to provide a source of comfort for Remus.

Remus was a child and he needed someone. Not his parents, no. someone his age, someone who wouldn't look at him like a freak, someone who would remind him that he is a child and he is allowed to be a child.

Tsuna had been so happy when Remus finally lowered his guard and let loose his personality. He was a wonderful boy, with a personality much like Fon's. The kind of person to smile in your face innocently despite having just put a slimy bug down your shirt (Tsuna did not screech, not at all. He was an adult. A little bug couldn't scare him.)

"You're already starting a new book?" Tsuna laughed as he read the title of the book in Remus' hand.

"I finished the other one," Remus said, plopping down by his side. No longer on the rock but on the earth beside him.

"Of course you did." Tsuna playfully rolled his eyes. "How you can read for enjoyment is a mystery."

Remus laughed before teasing, "Maybe your brain's just not big enough to understand."

Tsuna playfully shoved his shoulder in response, a fond smile slipping onto his face. It was nice, having a connection with someone again. He had missed this. The lack of his family by his side still hurt but he had hope with Remus by his side. That just maybe, one day, he'd come to terms with what happened. Or at the very least, when he passed in this life, his family could not say that he had wasted it.

Undoubtedly, a Rain is the best companion when one needs tranquility.

At the very least, it gave him a chance to get himself together. It had taken a while before he was able to ease back into a shadow of his old self. He wasn't quite there yet, having let years of grief wear down his body and mind, but things were always easier when there was someone by your side. Things were always easier when you had someone to be better for. The phrase "people need people" rang truer for him than any other, he figured.

He was afraid of losing Remus, a beacon of light during his moments of darkness. Remus had become someone to hold onto and protect very quickly. So he had to grow stronger. Stronger and stronger so that history would not repeat itself. History must not repeat itself.

Tsuna finally took steps to train himself again. It had been quite difficult at first. Years of spending time on his own quietly on his bed had made his body weak from lack of use. His physical state at the moment was a lot worse than it had been when Reborn first barreled into his life, guns blazing.

The state of his flames were a bit of a different story. Tsuna hadn't reached out to them as much as he used to. They were a reminder of all he had failed to protect. He still used them, of course, generally when scoping out new people (aka, Remus) but he didn't do as much meditation as he used to gain control and have flexibility with them. Especially now where they were suppressed by the limitations of his body.

When he started up again, it was, for lack of a better term, odd. Because aside from the hadou running through his body, there was another energy alongside it. It was unlike anything Tsuna had seen before. And it was definitely not flames, mutated or a new undiscovered one. There was a distinct characteristic that flames had (even night flames or wrath flames or all the other kinds of flames that weren't the basic seven) that this energy didn't have. No, this new energy was a lot more…malleable. Less primal too. It was difficult to manifest it like he does with dying will flames because, well, he didn't know what it was supposed to do or look like. He didn't even know what it was. Definitely not something harmful because his flames would've purged it but…well, he wasn't sure.

This new discovery was made after he began meditating, no longer relying on his past memories and experience to guide his flames but actually putting in the effort to adjust to his new body and his flames' place in this new body, and actually making an effort to strengthen his flames. They were too weak now. His resolve too feeble. But he had Remus now and that was enough for him to do better.

"You mention your friends a lot, but I've never seen them," Remus idly commented after another flippant connection Tsuna made to his old friends on the topic of books. "Or are they no longer here?"

Tsuna blinked at him and his eyes began to glaze over in nostalgia before he snapped himself out of it. Remus was more than a little observant and was very quick to note when Tsuna would be dragged into memories of his past. He didn't want to worry the boy. Nor did he want him asking too many questions.

"They…" Tsuna paused, images of dead and mangled bodies flashing behind his eyes. "They left." A lump formed in the midst of his throat and he swallowed it with a little difficulty. "Got adopted…" he added for good measure.

Remus watched him with his unnerving green eyes. Did the boy not blink? Tsuna felt like hours passed as Remus stared down at him, searching for something more, as though he knew there was more to the story.

Tsuna didn't like this part of Remus. The bit that was too old for a child.

"Must've been hard," Remus finally said. The eternity that passed in Tsuna's head really only being a few seconds of silence. "Losing friends can be very lonely."

There was a forlorn lilt to Remus' voice and Tsuna knew he must have some experience. Granted, Remus did move to the middle of nowhere after all. He wouldn't be surprised if Remus had left friends behind.

"Do you like this place?" Tsuna asked, his eyes sweeping the area before him.

"It's quiet," Remus murmured. "And there's not a lot of people."

"But do you like it?"

"No," he admitted. "It's very boring."

Tsuna grinned. "Sounds about right. The center of chaos is the best place to be."

"I never said that." but a smile was playing on Remus' lips.

"This place just isn't it for you Remus," Tsuna said with a sigh, plopping his head down onto the grass. "Why did your family move here?"

It seemed to have been the wrong thing to say for Remus fell into silence. Tsuna peered up at him and noted how Remus' body language had become stiff and uncomfortable. There must've been some incident that forced them to move here, Tsuna guessed. No sane person would move to such a small town.

"For reasons," Remus vaguely answered. "I'm not too sure myself."

Lie.

But Tsuna smiled and accepted his words.

"What about you?" Remus asked, passing the metaphorical mic to Tsuna. "Do you like this place?"

Tsuna hummed in contemplation. To be honest, he wasn't sure. The immediate answer would be no. How could he like any place without his family? This very world was suffocating him for that very reason. But, if he were to separate his previous life from this life, did he like this place? His eyes wandered around the area until they finally rested back onto Remus' face.

"It's a beautiful place," Tsuna finally said. "And I like it because you're here."

It was the nightmares that kept him awake. He was never able to close his eyes without seeing red. The sight of blood had always made him a little queasy. Seeing it stain the people he vowed to protect made him want to hurl.

He often found himself finding solace in the quiet of the night. Most nights he'd lay in his bed, counting each breath that the children around him took. Each breath reminded him of how he was alive, how the people around him were alive. How, if he were to let himself lose control, he would be taking the innocent lives around him as well.

But the nightmares that he had this particular night were torturous. When he awoke, both his flames and the unfamiliar energy inside him were in chaos, each rushing through his veins, trying to manifest themselves in any way possible.

He was running outside barefoot before he could even fully open his eyes. There was a feeling of heaviness on his shoulders, weighing him down and all he could think was that he needed to let go. He needed to scream.

He had no idea where he was running until he found himself tripping over the roots of trees. When he picked himself up, there were large towering trees all around him. He brought his trembling hands up to his head, turning in a circle over and over again. His breaths came out heavy and uneven.

And he let go.

"Aaaaahhhhhhhhhh!"

Flames and an unfamiliar energy burst out of his body with such force as though they had been waiting for centuries for this moment. Tsuna shut his eyes but he could feel the way his flames wrapped themselves around the trees, devouring them, and leaving ashes in their wake.

The unfamiliar energy spread even further than his flames in their excitement at finally being free. It crushed and shattered anything it touched. Trees that had stood strong for hundreds of years found themselves to be nothing more than rubble in seconds.

In the middle of it all, stood Tsuna, screaming and sobbing. He fell to his knees, seeing nothing but crimson red. There was something squeezing his heart. His flames writhed wildly in response to his desperate cries, searching for the familiar warmth of his family. But no living thing was spared when it failed to satiate its longing.

For a second, he could not care less as to who suffered from his wrath. Why did it matter? Why would anyone want to live when his family didn't exist anymore? When they were all dead, having been through a hell so brutal that there was nothing of them that was left to be buried? Whywhywhy? Why do the people here deserve to live and not Tsuna's family? Why was it his family that had to suffer? Why did he have to suffer? Why was it always him.

Tsuna just wanted his family.

Then his Sky brushed against Rain and Tsuna finally snapped out of it. Immediately, with control so great that even Reborn would be proud, he recalled both his flames and the unfamiliar energy back into himself. None of the flames that had been burning the forest remained and only charred remains spoke of any fire that occurred there.

He seized for a few moments, his body struggling to adapt to the sudden change, before he fully collapsed to the ground, panting and heaving.

Remus.

Tsuna looked up at the beautiful full moon shining down on him, tears still trickling down the sides of his face.

Remus had been sitting quietly in the center of the barren room. The full moon was tonight. His body was tense and he knew that at any moment now, a horrible pain would wrack through his body.

He was startled when he seemed to hear a distant scream. Ever since he was bitten, his senses were much sharper than before. The scream was from afar and no normal person would have been able to hear it. He stood up, contemplating whether he should call his father from inside the room to go look at it.

And then he felt it.

Remus knew the way magic felt. The very room he was in was so tightly packed with his father's magic that he was drowning in it. Remus was more than familiar with the energy that buzzed around him constantly.

The power of the magic that suddenly hit him full force had him on the ground and unable to breath. It had completely consumed his father's magic to the point that he could no longer feel anything but it.

However, just as it had appeared, it was gone. Remus felt nauseous at the sudden lack. He didn't want the magic back, no, not at all. That magic was angry. It was desperate. It was destructive and nothing like anything he had felt before. Hell, Remus didn't even know that magic could feel like emotions.

He didn't have the time to contemplate on the person behind such unbridled magic because the transformation had finally begun. Remus gritted his teeth and clenched his fists as his bones broke and reformed themselves, his skin stretching and molding itself against the new body that was being created.

His head grew fuzzy as time passed and soon enough, there was nothing but darkness.

The magic that overwhelmed his house had Lyall falling onto his knees. When it passed, he immediately knew something was wrong. His magic was gone. Rather, the magic that he had cast all upon the house was gone.

Including the ones in the room Remus was in.

He didn't have time to think about what happened. Instead, he was immediately rushing to his room where Hope lay asleep. He knew he didn't have time to think.

"Hope, wake up!" he urged quickly, grabbing a suitcase from underneath his bed.

Hope was up in a flash, although still bleary from sleep. Lyall's heart dropped as he heard the familiar screams of his son. The transformation had begun. He placed the suitcase in Hope's lap.

"The book is a portkey. It will lead you to a safe house," Lyall explained quickly. "The magic keeping Remus in the room is gone so I need you to go! I'll come after I've made sure the rest of the village is safe."

Hope's eyes widened in fear. "But dear-"

"Just go!" Lyall screamed. "I'm begging you, don't argue. I'll come as soon as I can, so please."

Tears pricked Hope's eyes as her hand moved to the book. She knew she didn't have time to argue or say anything. "Come back safely." Touching the book, she was gone.

Lyall had his wand out in a flash and was running outside. He knew that he couldn't do anything about Remus. It was difficult to control a werewolf. He was still small so there was less damage that he could inflict but right now, Lyall had to guarantee the safety of the muggles in the vicinity.

Incantation after incantation left his lips, the spells zooming in the direction of the village, created a shield of defense and enveloping the village in a memory charm. He knew that it would no longer be safe to stay here after this. Finally, he created a barrier that would deter any muggles from coming near. He swiveled on his foot, looking back toward his house just as Remus barreled through the door and into the night air.

Remus howled at the moon, his head turning left and right afterwards, searching. Finally, the wolf's eyes found Lyall.

Lyall raised his hand, somewhat unwillingly. It had been the first time Lyall had set eyes upon the werewolf version of his son. This part of Remus had always been locked behind closed doors. Was this really Remus? This large furry creature with a short snout, looking ready to tear him apart?

Oh, but those eyes. Those eyes that were just like Remus'. Or they were until he looked closer. There was no affection or mischief in those eyes. Not in the way that there usually was. No, right now there was nothing but madness, hunger, and rage. Was this retribution? Was this what Remus truly felt when he looked at him? Lyall's hand trembled and his breath caught in his throat. Even as the creature started towards him at a frightening speed, he could not move. Just as he was about to be jumped on, Lyall let out a whisper of,

"Incarcerous."

Cords shot from his wand and bound the creature. The wolf struggled against the ropes and it didn't take long before it managed to free itself. Lyall knew that simple binding spells wouldn't do. He'd need to redirect Remus into the forest.

Knowing Remus would follow him, he ran into the forest. Sure enough, he heard the thumps of a wolf following him. Lyall's heart pounded in his chest. He barely registered how the further that he went into the forest, the more ruined the trees around him became. Some were charred and others seemed to have been crushed under a large weight.

By Merlin's Beard, what had he done to his boy? Why had he angered Fenrir that day? Was there any way to turn back time to fix things?

He found himself being tackled to the ground. He fought against the jaws snapping at him, doing his best to not get bit himself. Lyall didn't want to use his magic. Using a binding spell was fine but to use any offensive spells? Against his son? To bloody hell with the fact that his son was trying to murder him right now. He couldn't do this to his son. Not when he was the one that caused it in the first place. If he were to die here, if he were to be bitten, it would simply be justice served.

Lyall still fought to get out from under his son however. He, at the very least, needed to keep him occupied until sunrise so that the wolf had no chance of reaching the muggles. The least he could do was protect them.

He managed to push off Remus with some difficulty. The wolf was big but it was still young. Lyall tried the binding spell again. If he could just continuously cast the spell until sunrise, it should be fine.

However, once the wolf managed to break free from the ropes and before Lyall could cast the spell again, the wolf attacked him, using its paws to push him down. This time, as Lyall went down, his head hit a stone on the ground, completely knocking him out.

Tsuna was snapped out of his pity party when he heard a pair of footsteps nearby, one animal and one human. He slowly walked towards the sounds before breaking into a run when he heard both growls and something falling.

The scene he came across had him frozen in his spot for a moment. It took a while for him to register what had been going on. A man, Remus' father to be more specific, was holding a stick, pointing it towards a wolf, and looking both terrified and heartbroken. A few ropes were left broken on the ground around the wolf.

It confused Tsuna but he didn't have much more time to think when he noticed Remus' father got knocked out when the wolf pinned him to the ground. In a flash, Tsuna shouldered the wolf off of the man and stood between Remus' father and the wolf.

The wolf growled at him and it was at this point that Tsuna noticed something strange. For one, the wolf didn't quite look like a wolf. Its snout was shorter, its tail was more of a tuft than an actual tail, and its eyes. Those eyes that looked so human and so much like

"Remus?"

Tsuna was bewildered. Could it be? There was no way. How could this creature before him be the same boy that he had spoken to just the evening before? But those eyes. Slowly, Tsuna reached out his flames towards the wolf that was getting ready to attack him.

The feel of the familiar rain flames shocked Tsuna. It truly was Remus. But how? Was this the cause of all those scars that littered his body? Tsuna glanced at the moon. It was a full moon.

A werewolf?

"Ha," Tsuna scoffed. He paused, thought about it for a moment, and then laughed. A long disbelieving laugh left his mouth. "No way. There is no way."

But Tsuna had magical fire that he could use, Reborn used to have a shapeshifting chameleon, they used to have companion animals that were made of magical fire. Was the existence of werewolves truly so shocking?

No. Not really.

However, it was Remus that was the werewolf. Sweet little Remus who was currently running straight at him, his jaws open, and his fangs looking more than alright with sinking into Tsuna's flesh. Tsuna raised his hand and touched the wolf's snout once it reached him.

He engulfed the wolf in the harmony of Sky flames.

The wolf crumpled onto the ground, its features that were once contorted in a fierce expression relaxing. Tsuna kneeled next to it, running a hand through its fur. This truly was Remus. The signature in its rain flames confirmed it. Tsuna glanced over at Remus' father who was knocked out on the ground and sighed.

This was going to be a long night.

Making sure that Remus was swathed in enough Sky flames to be calm until he returned, Tsuna ran back to the village, into the orphanage, and grabbed the first aid kit. Sprinting back to where he came from, he quickly bandaged Remus' father's bleeding head as well as the few scratches he found on Remus' wolf body.

He sat beside the two, contemplating this situation. Should he stay by their side until either Lyall wakes up or Remus' returns to normal? Or should he leave right before then? On one hand, there's the problem of being unable to explain as to how he was unharmed. On the other hand, he wasn't wholly sure as to how wise it would be to leave the wolf alone, even if he leaves remnants of his flames.

The wolf playfully swatted at Tsuna's legs, acting cute and playful despite having tried to murder him just seconds before. A headache began to form in Tsuna's head as the wolf continued to try and play with him. The wolf looked at him as though it had finally found a companion after years of searching.

Well, Tsuna definitely couldn't just leave it now.

So, Tsuna played with the wolf throughout the night. He definitely had mixed feelings. For one, this was a human in wolf form, or so he assumed. Secondly, Remus' father was knocked out cold right beside them, and finally, he literally had a breakdown just seconds ago that would've ended in the incineration of the entire area had he not felt that sliver of Remus' rain flames.

Tsuna could not tell you how this was his life.

But it was nice. He was reminded of playing with all the other animals in his life as he played with the wolf form of Remus. Tsuna could no longer manifest Natsu, not without his ring anyways and he had missed him so much. For a while, that ache of his missing partner was satiated.

He realized that this huge secret was likely the reason why Remus grew skittish once a month, and why he was so secretive of where his scars came from. Tsuna finally understood just how isolated Remus must've been from the rest of this world, with this secret too heavy of a burden to share.

Tsuna understood that he would have to let Remus know that he knew. That he'd have to let the boy know that Tsuna would be by his side, regardless of the boy's furry little problem. This was not something Tsuna could let Remus face alone.

When the first hint of sunrise came, Tsuna watched as the wolf fell to its side and its body started contorting.

That confirmed it. Remus truly was a werewolf. The whines of the wolf eased into the whimpers of a boy. Tsuna used his flames to ease the pain as much as he could. The transformation continued until only the naked body of Remus remained. Tsuna took off his shirt and covered Remus' lower body with it.

Remus gazed at him with unfocused eyes, not quite registering who he was. When he realized, he shot straight up, his eyes shadowed in horror.

"Ciel," he choked out. "You…"

"So werewolf, huh?" Tsuna said lightly, trying to ease Remus' fear.

Remus scrambled to his feet, and was just about ready to run when he noticed his father lying on the ground. "Dad!"

Tsuna rubbed the nape of his neck. "Yeah, you kinda knocked him out while you were in your wolf form."

Tsuna could see Remus' entire body shaking. Remus tried to wake his father and it didn't take long before Lyall was up. A little dazed, but awake. Tsuna awkwardly stood to the side. He knew he'd have some explaining to do but he had thought up a cover story.

When Lyall noticed Tsuna, his gaze grew horrified. Before Tsuna could even say anything, Lyall was pointing his stick at Tsuna with one hand and grabbing Remus' arm in the other.

"Obliviate."

Tsuna blinked as a white light glowed at the end of Lyall's stick. Suddenly, he felt something enter his head. He could feel the unfamiliar energy pushing against the mental barrier he had forged through decades of practice. The energy was much like the energy that flowed through his own body. He quickly used his flames to burn it away just as he heard a loud crack.

Before he could say anything about what had just happened, Remus and Lyall were gone. Tsuna swiveled around on the heel of his foot, his eyes scanning the area. He stretched out his flames but he couldn't feel Remus' familiar flames anywhere, no matter how far out he spread his flames.

Tsuna ran back to the village and straight to Remus' home. The place was broken apart, as though a large animal had barreled through. Although there were signs of the place being inhabited, there was no sign of anyone at home.

What the hell just happened? Where did they go? How did they go? Was it related to the unfamiliar energy? Questions burned his mind but there were no answers to assuage them.

Fear began to fill Tsuna as the thought of Remus never coming back flitted through his mind.

Unfortunately, his fear was actualized. Remus and his family never returned. Even more strange was the fact that no one in their village actually realized that they had left. When he questioned anyone about the Lupin family, he would get odd looks and would be told that such a family never even existed.

Some days, he wondered if any of the past two years were even real. Was it reality or just some screwed up fantasy his brain had concocted? A desperate fantasy created in order to satiate his longing for companionship? But he could and would visit Remus' previous home. He would take in the destruction that the rest of the village was puzzled over but did not move to fix, and it would confirm that he was not insane. There was a family that lived here once.

But they had gone in a blink of an eye, leaving no memory of them in anyone's heart but his.

It took another two years before he finally met Remus again.

Somehow found it in me to update again. Lol. At least it's a long chapter. Forgive the inconsistency in this chapter. The break between writing the first half and the second half was long. And I'm not really satisfied with the last part but I thought, hey, wouldn't hurt to update it. Also, I didn't edit it. I might modify it in the future though.

Will I continue this? I don't know. I did lose my passion for writing but I'm trying to get back into it. I'll try, but no promises.

Also, does anyone have any recs for KHR x HP fics? Most of the ones I've found are Harry Potter characters reborn into the KHR world but I want to read the opposite TT_TT