The Worst Romcom

Part 0: Set-up

Kishibe took a swig of his flask as he stared at the carnage of blood and guts inside the derelict Tokyo warehouse. More pointedly, the figure at the center of it that was very much not the zombie devil, but still very familiar to the aged devil hunter.

"You must be a new one..."

"We've got a live one-" Kishibe put his hand out to silence the underling whose name he couldn't remember. He thought it was redundant to have backup for a devil that was apparently as dumb as a bag of rocks, but rules were rules. At the very least, he wouldn't have to pay for lunch.

"Shut up. I'm handling this. Unless it's literally carving me up, I don't want interference." He grumbled out as he shoved his flask into his pocket. He stepped forward, his shoes squishing in the green, rotten flesh that caked the floor. "Hey, buddy, did you do this?" He didn't think it was necessary, but he gestured to the gory carnage caking the innards of the warehouse anyways.

The figure with chainsaw arms and head simply swayed and shivered. It managed to utter out a single "H-Hold me..." in a shaky voice.

Kishibe stared as it toppled to the floor. "...Yeah, that's not really my thing." If it was covered in arrows instead of chainsaws, his response might have been different. He kneeled down over it as the metal seemed to melt away, revealing a blonde-haired boy. "Huh."

"Sir-"

Kishibe turned his head to look back at the man who spoke up. "One more word and I'll have you on clean-up duty for the genital warts devil. I'm handling this, understand?" The genital warts devil was not under the control of the Japanese Public Safety Devil Hunters currently, but they didn't have to know that. He turned back to face the boy and sighed. "Seems like you're human... or at least you ain't a fiend- Nod or something if you can even hear me"

"Uh... Yesh..." The blonde boy managed to shake his head, smearing some of the zombie guts on his cheek in the process. He didn't seem to care about it which gave him points in Kishibe's book.

"Alright... Here's the way I see things." He sighed and raised his hands. In one hand he held his flask of booze. In the other, his trusty devil hunting knife. "You have two choices."

He shakes the knife. "Choice one: you live as a devil, in which case I'll have to carve your heart out here and now."

The teen grimaces in response to that.

He shakes the flask of booze. "Choice two: you choose to live as a human, specifically as a devil hunter." He brings it to his lips and takes a swig. "I can't really say what you'd get out of living as a devil. But if you live as a human? You'd get a pretty nice salary out of it. And that can get you lots of things like-"

"What..." The boy managed to groan out. "What... would I get for breakfast?"

Kishibe scrunched his brow as his mouth hung slightly open for a few seconds. Such a simple request? "Well... uh, whatever you want, I guess? Eggs however you want, sausage, porridge, bacon, rice, dried fish, veggies, cereal, toast with butter or jam, or just some coffee." He takes a swig. "You could even have steak once in while-"

With an awestruck face, the boy muttered out: "Heaven... that sounds like a dream come true..." He shakily leaned himself up on his elbow. "Where... where do I sign?"

Kishibe let out a small chuckle. "Just come along with me and the two gentlemen in black. We'll hash it out over some food." He jabs a thumb in their direction. "On them."

Denji didn't really think much of old men who smelled like booze. Reminded him too much of that mafia grandpa. But this one was offering him free food, so he couldn't be that bad.

Denji scowled as he and Aki stomped their way toward what would be their shared living space. Their dislike for one another was almost tangible in the air. Denji wasn't sure what to think of all this anymore. He appreciated the food the old man had bought for him (well, had his cronies buy), but pairing him up with this guy? And all that talk about killing him if he were to leave? It was making his stomach turn a little.

The only reason he didn't think this was all a complete bust was because that mister booze guy found him kicking Aki in the balls hilarious. It didn't get him out of being paired up with the bastard though...

Before they could get inside, the older devil hunter gripped Denji's shoulder, making him growl in annoyance. "The hell do you want now? We're almost inside and I want some grub!"

"No sass!" Aki nearly shouted. "If you're even capable of listening, I want to make one thing clear:" He pointed to the door. "I have another squad member who also lives with me here. A very promising devil hunter around your age."

"Yeah yeah yeah..." Denji waved him off, already beginning to tune out the lecture.

"You're already scum, but compared to her you're even less-"

The word 'her' resonated inside Denji's head like a dozen fireworks going off.

"Her? Did you just say her? And around my age?" Denji was now deeply invested in the conversation with Aki. "What's her name? What does she like to eat? What's her favorite color? Does she like blondes-"

Aki hit Denji on top of the head to silence him.

"Ow!"

"Quiet! Yes, she's a girl. No, I won't tell you anything else. If she wants to deign to tell you then you'll have to ask her yourself." He smirked and looked down at the boy with an annoying smugness in his eyes. "I doubt she'd give the time of day to a guy like you, though."

"What! C'mon... I can be charming!" Denji growled out.

"I don't believe you." Aki scoffed. "Anyways, if I find out you're doing anything funny with..." He snapped his fingers. "You'll be gone."

"Ugh... I'm not that sort of guy." He grumbled out.

"Again, I don't believe you." He gripped the doorknob and turned. "She should be inside so be on your best behavior."

Denji lazily nodded his head and rolled his eyes. This girl probably wasn't even all that if Aki was hyping her up so much. He snickered a little bit as he imagined a girl with thick glasses and terrible acne looking up from a book as they came in. Or maybe the guy can't tell ages and they're gonna walk in on some wrinkly grandma!

Aki swung the door open and Denji eagerly peered inside, wondering which two of his predictions would come true.

"Ah, Hayakawa, you're back- Oh? Who is this?"

Denji's jaw went slack and his mind went blank as a gorgeous redheaded girl greeted them at the door. Shining yellow eyes that Denji felt he could get lost in for hours peered curiously at him. A blue high school uniform with a red ribbon hung around her body.

Aki rolled his eyes at the display and gestured to him. "This lowlife is Denji. He's a new member of our squad and he'll be living with us from now on."

She cocked her head to one side, still peering at the slack-jawed boy. "Hmm... A lowlife? Has he done something wrong?"

That seemed to snap Denji out of his trance. "Wha- No! I haven't done anything wrong!"

"You kicked me in the balls you punk!"

"Oh my, sounds like you two had quite the argument." The girl's expression stayed pleasant, eyes still locked on Denji. "Your name is Denji?"

"Oh- Uh! Yeah! Me Denji! That's me!" He said enthusiastically, almost shouting while repeatedly jabbing a thumb toward himself. "Denji! The newest devil hunter in town! You need a devil murderized? Pulverized? Minced? Just call me and I'll be on the case!"

The girl beamed at him, and Denji felt like his heart was fluttering into his throat.

"Good grief..." Aki rubbed his palm over his face, already exasperated by Denji being in his apartment. "Makima? Do you need me to get rid of him?"

MakimaMakimaMakimaMakimaMakimaMakima... Denji made sure to memorize the name so that he wouldn't ever forget it.

She shakes her head, still smiling. "No, no, he's fine. In fact..." She reached her hand forward and-

Denji's mouth gaped open like a howler monkey in wordless shock as he felt one of Makima's hands wrap around his own.

"I'd like it if you could give us a moment to get acquainted with each other. Would that be alright, Hayakawa?" She said, not turning her head to face Aki the whole time.

"...Alright." Aki side-eyed the current interaction between the two, but ultimately shrugged and moved past the two. "But Denji really needs to take a shower soon, so don't keep him too long."

"Oh?"

"Hey! I'm not that..." Denji grimaced, remembering how he'd slaughtered two devils that day. "...You might have a point."

"Hmm..." She leaned forward and put her face near the crook of his neck, utterly invading his personal space and sending Denji's mind blank again. "Oh, yes, you do have a strange smell... Neither human or devil"

Denji blinked in surprise at that last bit. "Uh, wait, what?"

Makima retracted herself from him and tapped her nose. "I have a fantastic sense of smell. I can easily tell the difference between humans and devils just by scent alone." She let go of Denji's hand, causing him to whimper sadly, then she clasped both her hands together. "And you, Denji, don't smell truly like either."

She grinned again.

"It's a nice smell, I like it." With that, she turned her back and skipped off to what Denji assumed was her room.

Denji, meanwhile, was simply staring at the blank space, his head still processing what had just happened.

'That was... that was a pleasant exchange, right? I just hit it off with her, yeah? She even liked the way I smelled! Pochita! I hope you're watching me because I think I just took a big step toward my dreams!'

"Denji! The hot water's running so get in the shower." Aki shouted from the bathroom.

"Screw that! Makima likes my scent! I'M NEVER BATHING AGAIN!" Denji shouted in triumph, arms flung towards the ceiling.

"LIKE HELL YOU AREN'T!"

The Control Devil smiled pleasantly as she listened to the ruckus outside of her door. "I think I'll enjoy this change of pace. Aki was getting too boring for my tastes." She turned around to tend to her pets and thought about the stranger now living in the apartment. truthfully, she had known they were coming before they had even entered the apartment complex. The rats and stray cats had told her as much. Imagine her surprise to see a completely new face following Aki, and wearing a devil hunter uniform. Her interest was piqued when she saw he looked just around her "age". It wasn't often someone that young got to wear that uniform.

She checked the temperatures of her fish tanks and insect terrariums. Made sure the water and food for her rats and mice were refilled. Lastly, she spritzed her plants with water.

Truthfully, all she really wanted was a few dogs. Big ones, not small ones like a chihuahua or shih tzu. Something like a husky. There were always the local stray dogs but Aki would have a conniption if she brought them inside, no matter how well-trained she made them. Unfortunately, it was as simple as the apartment not being big enough to properly care for a dog paired with how often the house would be vacated. A cat was a possibility, but personally, she didn't hold much love for cats.

When she becomes an "adult", and fully gains the trust of the public safety devil hunters, then she could have her own place. Without anyone keeping an eye on her under the pretense of showing a skilled prodigy the ropes. With all the dogs she could stuff inside of it.

It was all empty gestures, ultimately. The power of the prime minister's contract still hummed inside of her. But she would play along, for now.

"Denji..." She muttered while taking one of the rats out of its cage to nuzzle against her palm. "That scent... It's familiar, but I cannot place it... Puzzling."

Her memories were spotty and incomplete ever since she reincarnated onto earth. An unbecoming situation for the Control Devil. But Denji's scent made her feel... something. She wasn't sure what, but her heart told her that it was important.

"I could easily wrap you around my finger if I wanted to..." She put her hands together, watching the rat sniff and scurry between her palms. The sensation was mildly ticklish. "...But, you seem so simple that it would be a waste. In fact..." She gripped the rat by the tail and lowered it back into the cage. "I think I'll try doing it without using my powers at all~"

"What do you guys think?"

The sea monkeys and hermit crabs had no response. As usual.

"I think it will be an interesting experience!"

"...So, this is the girl?" Kishibe looked at the massive metal cell door in front of him. "Seems a little much considering she's been deprived of her weapons."

The guard raised a brow. "Maybe, but I don't wanna know what the War Devil might have up her sleeve."

He scoffed. "War Devil? Really? I was expecting something like..." He paused for a moment. "...Yeah, war makes as much sense as anything else." He turned to the guard. "And she's willing to negotiate?"

"She's been yelling her head off about it. Something about hostage negotiations, non-aggression pacts, screaming about a 'saw-man' and clear bombs or something, and sometimes she just breaks down crying." The guard replied.

"Hmmm..." Kishibe rubbed his chin. "That'd be 'Asa' apparently. Something like this is less believable than hybrids, but who knows."

The guard gave the door a wary look. "Shall I... open it for you, sir?"

"Hold on." He took his flask out, took a biiiiig swig of it in front of the wide-eyed guard, and stuffed it back into his coat. "...Yeah, I already came all this way." He sighed out as the door rattled open. "Slaughtering your whole class, claiming to be the War Devil, and then surrendering? I'm almost scared to meet the nutjob..."