Late February, 2001
The door closed behind her with a soft click and she let out a sigh as she locked it. Closing her eyes, she breathed in, willing herself to not cry this time, even as tears pricked and burned behind her eyelids.
Hey, Scully. I wasn't expecting you.
She gasped and squeezed her eyes shut tighter, swallowing hard as she fell back against the door.
Whoa… you okay? Scully?
"No," she whispered to the empty and nearly silent apartment. "No, Mulder, I'm nowhere near okay."
She opened her eyes and drew in another deep breath as she blinked back tears. The scent of the room was so familiar and comforting, it caused a pang in her chest. She placed a hand over her heart and gripped her sweater in her fist, as she waited for the pain to pass.
Her other hand caressed her stomach as the child inside of her rolled and turned.
"I know, my love. Just… just give me a minute, okay?" she whispered and took another deep breath. "I miss him so much. Your daddy. I… There are so many things I wish I'd said to him. Things I wish I'd done. Oh, Mulder."
Pushing herself from the door, she stepped further into the room, still clutching her sweater tightly.
It was quiet, aside from the quiet hum of the refrigerator in the kitchen and the motor from the fish tank filter.
She walked into the kitchen and looked around, thinking of the times she had stood in there with Mulder as he made something to eat while they discussed a case. Of grabbing a cup of coffee or a glass of water, amused by the small collection he kept, none of it matching.
Her cheeks burned as she remembered when she had been backed into his fridge, shaking it loudly, as he had kissed her, her arms around his neck and his around her waist.
Touching her lips, she thought of his laughter as he had continued kissing her, leading her to his bedroom, their clothes strewn upon the floor along the way.
Turning from the kitchen, the room uncharacteristically spotless, everything in its place, she walked past the dining room table and into the living room.
Dust particles shimmered in the late afternoon light from the partially open blinds and she sighed. How many hours had she spent in this room? Sat with Mulder through days and nights discussing work, life, and everything in between? She knew this apartment as well as her own. Nothing was off limits to her, though she did respect his privacy and did not poke around.
She had slept, watched movies, laughed and talked, cried, mourned, and loved him on that black leather couch. Loved him so much before ever showing him physically.
Now it sat unused, the blanket folded and pillows undisturbed. The whole place was clean and neat, very unlike it was when Mulder was here.
"It's too clean," she said quietly, shaking her head. "It doesn't feel right."
Smiling sadly at the small bowl of stale sunflower seeds on his desk that had been there for months and she could not throw away, she picked up a handful and let them slip through her fingers and back into the bowl. Sighing again, she looked at the fish tank and her eyes widened as she gasped.
"No," she said, taking a step closer. "No, no, no. Please, no."
The fish in the tank swam away as she gently touched the glass, all except for one. It floated on its side, one fin barely moving.
"Please don't do this," she pleaded, breathing sharply as she received a kick under her ribs. "Oh baby, not right now. I just… Come on, little fish." She tapped the glass softly and the fish moved feebly, almost turning over. "Yeah. Come on, you can do it. Don't give up."
The fish turned over and attempted to swim as Scully watched it and held her breath. It stayed upright before falling onto its side again and then completely turning onto its back, floating belly up to the surface and staying there.
"Oh… no," she cried, tears falling down her cheeks as she bent to rest her forehead against the cool glass of the tank. "Why you too? Please…"
She cried as she put an arm around her stomach, the death of the fish hurting her in a way she never could have foreseen. Deep, heaving breaths tore from her lungs, as the hot tears continued to fall from her face and splash onto the shelf.
"I'm so sorry. So sorry, Mulder. I never meant… I'm sorry."
Her tears slowing, she stood up and wiped her eyes as she stared at the fish, shaking her head. Sniffling, she left the room and went into the bathroom to blow her nose and rinse her face. The cold water felt good and she rinsed her face again, exhaling deeply as she dried it on a soft, faded blue towel and left the bathroom.
She walked into the kitchen to get a couple of paper towels and then stood before the fish tank, shaking her head with a deep sigh. Bending down slowly, she opened the box that held the tank supplies and took out the small, black handled net.
Standing again, she opened the lid and used the net to scoop up the fish and remove it from the tank. Closing the lid gently, she held the net over the paper towels, to catch any drops of water, and walked back to the bathroom.
In front of the toilet, she paused and closed her eyes. What would Mulder have said if he were there with her? Something flippant for sure, to disguise how he really felt, but she would know how it upset him, placing a hand on his back to tell him without words.
"A fish's life…" she said quietly, opening her eyes. "…is not nearly long enough. Or so it seems to us, who have such longer lifespans." She paused, looking at the small fish, and sighed softly. "I'm so sorry you died. I hope that the life you spent here with him was one you enjoyed and that you somehow knew how much he cared about you. Goodbye."
She bent closer to the toilet and turned the net upside down, dropping the fish into the water carefully. Pressing the handle, she flushed the toilet, the fish disappearing.
She washed her hands and then rinsed the net, leaving it to dry in the sink. Throwing out the paper towels, she went back and fed the remaining fish, watching as they ate and swam around, seemingly unbothered by the death of their tank mate.
Her head pounded and ached. Her body felt more cumbersome than usual and she was very tired.
Taking off her shoes, she walked into the bedroom and stripped down to her underwear. Opening Mulder's wardrobe, she took out one of his t-shirts and slipped it over her head. It smelled like him and fresh tears filled her eyes as she held the collar of it close to her nose and breathed in deeply.
Stepping to the bed, she pulled the blankets back and laid down on his side. Holding his pillow, she curled onto her side and closed her eyes.
The afternoon sunlight still streamed in through the blinds, the hour early for bed, but she was asleep in minutes.
She dreamed she was in a deep body of water, sinking to the bottom and then floating back up slowly, her arms held out to her sides.
I'm still here, Scully, Mulder's voice said, thick and low, cutting through the water.
She turned her head wildly, left and right, but she did not see him. Moving her hands in the water, she tried to swim and look for him, but she could not move from her current spot.
No, you're not here, Mulder, she thought. You're not.
Dream Mulder did not respond, but a small fish suddenly cut through the water, swimming close for a few seconds and then away, its fins moving gracefully.
She watched it getting smaller and smaller, before she closed her eyes and slowly began to sink to the bottom.
Tears fell onto his pillow as she cried in her sleep, her heart aching for the man that she loved and would never see again.