Ever since the day she was old enough to properly grip a controller, Orchid has been a gamer. Having a pair of computer geeks for parents will usually have that effect. While being raised primarily on Nintendo, it was fair to say that she'd played her fair share of Mario games. However, after getting sucked up by a mysterious Warp Pipe on her way home from school one day, and dumped in the middle of Dark Land of all places, she's about to learn that things aren't always as bright and colorful as the games might portray! Not to mention – certain characters may be more complex than E-rated story telling can allow.
A/N: So, this is basically a self-insert story. I know these are usually done in the first person perspective, but that's harder to write in, and I kinda wanted to be able to have a more omniscient reader perspective. Also, timeline and characters are going to be Paper Mario series focused, because it's my favorite! But there will be some Mario & Luigi series stuff thrown in here as well. I feel like this story is going to end up being utterly ridiculous, so I hope no one tries to take it too seriously. It's all for just a bit of fun, after all. But without further ado, onto the actual content!
Another day, another bucket of homework!
Orchid trudged wearily down the sidewalk, as the straps from her over-encumbered backpack dug painfully into the ridges of her shoulders. College sure wasn't living up to the hype! So far, it'd been nothing but constant projects that she could never seem to finish in time. At least, not to the level that she'd like.
She supposed ultimately it was her own fault. She just had to follow in her parent's footsteps and major in Computer Science, after all. Then found out the hard way that all that math was no joke!
Oh, how she longed for those care-free high school days of the past. Back when she actually had time to play the games that she hoped to one day be able to create. But as things currently stood, it was going to be some time before she could justify any hobbies. At least some of her school creations were semi-entertaining to tinker with, when she could actually get them to work, that is.
However, despite the soul-sucking gulag that is higher education, Orchid was happy to admit that it hadn't diminished her gamer-goggled view of the world. Dead ends and corners still called to be explored for secrets, weeds along the road begging to be plucked and transformed into potions. And of course, if you wanted to talk to someone, all you had to do was walk up to them and press A.
It was too bad things in real life couldn't work like a game. What she wouldn't give for a Warp Pipe home right about now! Such thoughts crossed her mind in a lament as she paused for a moment to readjust the unforgiving straps.
"So, how 'bout it?" she found herself calling to her surroundings, her voice lightly echoing down the abandoned road. "Could I get a pipe summoning block? Help a girl out?" she suggested to the cosmos.
She blew out a small sigh at the lack of response. Well, it had been worth a shot, anyway. Taking a step to continue on her, less than merry, way, Orchid didn't get far before a sudden peculiar noise once again halted her progress:
Three notes, like pixelated gulping.
"What the. . .?" she expressed aloud. It sounded way too familiar to be a mere coincidence.
The sound effect, because what else would you call it, seemed to have come from the dilapidated warehouse that she had been passing by. That was strange. As far as she knew, the building was abandoned and completely empty. It also wouldn't be the most comfortable place to hang out. What with it's lack of doors and windows, it was bound to be rather drafty, especially this time of year.
Curiosity getting the better of her, Orchid slightly veered off her path in order to poke her head through the doorway, and felt like her jaw practically hit the floor!
There, sitting in the center of the room in this old, unassuming building, was the shiny green, glinting metal, of a fully constructed, life size Warp Pipe!
"Whoa! No way!" she exclaimed, trotting over towards it.
She could practically feel her imaginary nerd-tail wagging in sheer glee at this incredible discovery! Who had made this amazing work of art? And why on earth would they stash it in this grungy room?
"Hello?" she called, eager to meet the creator and offer her complements nonetheless. She continued when there was no immediate answer.
"I hope you don't mind me checking out your Warp Pipe. It's very cool!" she praised, hoping it would draw out the responsible party.
She waited for another moment, and was very surprised when no one jumped to take credit. It was even more unbelievable that whoever had made it would have just left it here. Well, she supposed since there was no one around to tell her, 'no'.
Orchid slipped the bag off her back, lowering it gently to the concrete below. Honestly, it was kind of nice to have an excuse to shed the portable library for a minute. Stepping up to the masterpiece, she eagerly ran her palms along the rim of it's smooth surface. It felt exactly how she imagined it would, like a brand new car!
Now that she was right next to it, she peered down into the pipe before her expression twisted into a frown of confusion. It wasn't that dark in here, and yet, it almost looked like – like the pipe was actually built into the floor, and extended beyond, deep into the ground.
But, why? How? What did that mean? It's not like – this couldn't be a real pipe, right?
There was one way she figured she could find out if it was some kind of optical illusion or something. Reaching down over the edge without really thinking it through, Orchid held out a hand, expecting it to come in contact with the bottom. Except, to her immense surprise, there was nothing there!
She let out a gasp as she tried to pull back and correct her balance, but began to panic when she found that she couldn't! It was as if there were some sort of invisible force drawing her down, preventing her from standing back up. Orchid tried to fight, but to her horror, it kept getting stronger. Until eventually, with a terrified shriek, she toppled all the way over the edge, and into the black void below!
Her screaming continued as she tumbled through the dark, her mind reeling at the disorienting lack of direction. Where was she even falling to? At this rate, no matter where she landed, all she could think about was that she wasn't going to survive the impact! This was it! All because she wanted to get a better look!
However, before she had a chance to let her life flash in front of her. She noticed a light start to manifest under her feet. And unless she had just completely lost all her sense of space, she began to get an uncanny sensation that she was, slowing down?
The floaty impression continued to build as the light grew brighter and closer. Until eventually, she popped out into – the sky?
Orchid only had a moment to register the upside down Pipe above her stretching out into, apparently nothing, and the fact that she was surrounded by some rather brackish-looking clouds, before she once again began to plummet!
Not even getting the chance to cry out this time, she managed to connect with the branches of a leafless, crusty tree. The dead wood snapped loudly as she fell through the brambles, and despite slowing her fall and saving her life, it didn't stop her head from colliding with a particularly large stalk. Her vision went black before she hit the ground.
. . .
The eventual discomfort of cold stone pressing into her back slowly began to pull Orchid out of her dazed stupor. Her first thought being to adjust her position to relieve some of the pressure off of her aching spine. She groaned as she rolled, confused by the solid surface beneath her. If she had been sleeping, then why wasn't she in her bed?
"Finally coming around, huh?" she suddenly heard, the voice raising more questions than answers.
Had that question been directed at her?
In spite of her rhythmically throbbing head, Orchid managed to pull her eyes open and glance around. Her face immediately scrunched up in confusion at what she found. Everything around her appeared to be constructed out of dark, granite bricks. If she hadn't known better, she would have sworn that she was in some kind of castle dungeon. But, she did know better, right?
"You took quite the knock to the head. I was starting to think you weren't ever going to wake up at all," the voice informed her in a somber tone.
Not wake up? What?
Orchid turned towards where the mysterious voice seemed to be coming from, and immediately had to do a double take. Was that a turtle wearing sneakers?!
"What's up, baby?" the shoe toting turtle questioned with a smirk.
The still prostrate girl jolted in shock at hearing it speak, letting out a yelp of alarm! She suddenly found herself scrambling to remain upright as she tumbled off the suspended slab she'd apparently been lying on. Managing to keep her butt under her, she scooted back until eventually bumping into the wall behind her. And that's where she sat, wildly glancing around in confusion. Where the heck was this? How had she gotten here?
"Kinda jumpy, aren't ya? You act like you've never seen a koopa before," the talking turtle scoffed, shaking his head at her from the other side of a wall of thick bars.
Orchid immediately opened her mouth to answer with a defensive protest, but it was suddenly cut off by her own realization. Wait a minute, had he said the word, koopa?
All initial thoughts of panic now dissipating in lieu of extreme curiosity, Orchid slowly crept forward so she could get a better look. The koopa cocked his head at her, as though he were equally interested.
Sure enough, it was a koopa alright. Only, she could never remember seeing one looking quite so – detailed. He still appeared animated, for sure, but the texture and level of nuance in his movements, was more well defined than she could remember seeing in any game. Not to mention him standing right in front of her, sharing the same physical space, somehow. . .
That was when she noticed the sunglasses and studded neck and arm bands.
"You're a shady koopa," she realized, her brain still attempting to process what exactly was happening.
"That's right, baby. The shadiest!" he boasted, flashing her a grin and a wink.
Despite the fact that she'd just met him, Orchid couldn't help but find his manner of speaking, sounding vaguely familiar. A moment later, it hit her. She might not have ever heard him actually talk before, but reading – that was a different story!
"Wait a second, you're not just any shady koopa. You're Shellshock!" she exclaimed in surprise. "You're a major league fighter at the Glitz Pit!"
He appeared a bit stymied for a moment at her declaration, before finally shaking his head, now fixing her with an incredulous look.
"Was," he corrected.
"Huh?" she found herself wondering with a frown.
"I was a major league fighter at the Glitz Pit, but that was years ago," he elaborated. "I'm honestly surprised you recognized me," he confessed.
"Of course I did! You were always my favorite," she beamed at him with a massive grin.
The koopa's cheeks reddened slightly as he placed a sheepish hand behind his head.
"Ah, really?" he questioned her. "Don't remember ever hearing that before. I mean, even more than Rawk Hawk or The Great Gonzales?" he asked.
Orchid lobbed a skeptical look at him.
"Rawk Hawk is a jerk, and we all know 'The Great Gonzales' was just Mario," she scoffed.
"I guess you've kinda got a point there, princess," he chuckled with a shrug.
"So, can I ask you, um – where are we. . .?" she trailed hesitantly, her eyes going back to searching the room as she rose to her feet.
"This is the second level penitentiary in Bowser's Castle," he offered.
"Wait, did you say Bowser's castle? As in, the Bowser? The Koopa King?" she questioned.
Now that she thought about it, that slab she had been on looked very reminiscent of one of the rest places you could use, as you climbed up the castle at the end of the game in Paper Mario.
"Yeah. . ." Shellshock affirmed.
"And, um, how – did I get here?" she wondered.
"You know, I could be asking you the same thing. How did you get here? The Koopatrol reported that you basically fell from the sky and landed in the castle courtyard. Care to explain?" he pressed.
"A – Warp, Pipe?" she offered, knowing how crazy that sounded, in spite of the three dimensional koopa standing right in front of her.
"From the sky?" he questioned dubiously.
She could only shrug in response as she took in a new appreciation of where she currently was.
"So, this is a legit dungeon in Bowser's castle? Cool!" she emphasized the word with a grin.
Shellshock simply stared at her like she was crazy!
"You're a very strange princess," he commented in response to her bizarre behavior.
"Uh, I'm not a princess. Why do you keep calling me that?" she wondered.
"Oh, my mistake. It's just, every other girl like you that I've ever heard of has been a princess," he explained.
"A girl like me?" she couldn't help but ask.
"You know – all human like," he offered.
"Human like?" she repeated, glancing down at herself.
It suddenly struck her that she was feeling a bit, short – and animated, she realized, studying her hands. They no longer looked realistic, more like something out of one of those new computer-animated movies that kept being so popular! Her clothes seemed to be the same, from what she remembered wearing last, if a bit more vibrant. Although a short-sleeved, lavender sweater dress, black leggings, and boots hardly seemed like princess attire.
Either way, there was no possible chance any of this was actually happening, right?
"Do you, happen to have a mirror?" she chanced asking.
"Sure thing, baby." Shellshock reached behind him into his shell, conveniently pulling out a small pocket mirror, offering it to her.
Snatching it up, Orchid found herself gawking at the reflection that stared back. The visage that met her gaze still kind of resembled her face, but also, not her face. It was like someone had remade her in CGI! Her eyes looked like they were replaced with actual emeralds they were so green. And what had happened to her hair?! It was like someone had dyed it a dark burgundy while she was out, but also, styled it in the most perfectly curly ponytail she'd ever seen? Admiring the way her thick bangs were swept across her forehead, she couldn't even be mad.
Except, that clinched it, this was most definitely a dream. Falling through a random Warp Pipe into the actual Mario universe? As if! It was more likely that she'd knocked herself out on the inside of the pipe, and maybe sustained some brain damage! Although, Orchid didn't see any reason to not play along while this very cool dream lasted, even if her head was still kind of sore. . .
"So, if you're not a princess, then who are you? What's your name, girly?" her koopa friend asked as she returned his mirror.
"I'm Orchid, and I'm – nobody really," she offered, the realization slightly depressing her mood. She shook it off, giving the koopa a sweet smile. "I'm super happy to meet you though. Honored, actually," she emphasized, reaching a hand towards him.
He blinked with no small amount of surprise at the hand, until his expression softened into a grin, and he clapped his palm into hers. "Likewise," he decided.
"So, can you let me out now?" she wondered, still a little confused as to why she was in here in the first place.
"Uh, actually. . ." he hesitated, awkwardly shuffling his feet. "I was supposed to report to the others as soon as you woke up. They have – questions," he confessed.
"I can imagine," she realized.
"Back in a flash, baby!" he called, before dashing off and out of the room.
"Hey, wait! Who –" Orchid sighed when she realized he was already gone. She had wanted to ask what he meant by, the 'others'. She couldn't help but wonder if he was referring to –
Several minuets later, and a rather unsettling, slightly ground-shaking tromping answered her question. As the mass of orange, red, and green resplendently penetrated the room, Orchid could almost feel her eyes triple in size. It was him! The one and only Koopa King!
Moving right up against the bars of her cell, Bowser crossed his arms as he glared down his snout at her, and Orchid couldn't help the sensation that she'd shrunk even more! He was at least a good head and shoulders taller than her, while his rather impressive girth gave her the impression of what it might be like to be a bug.
"Well, well. So, the little intruder has decided to wake up, has she?" His bellowing baritone even deeper than Orchid remembered from the games.
"Hmmm. Not a particularly skilled intruder, if what the patrol told us can be believed," a wizened koopa dressed in blue robes commented.
Orchid almost hadn't noticed him hunched next to the hulking royal.
"Doesn't change the fact that she showed up in the middle of my castle courtyard without permission! Now spill, you little invader! Who are you, and what are you doing here?" he demanded.
Orchid's mouth lolled open, but no words came out. She was still struggling to process this turn of events. Was she actually standing in the same room as Bowser himself? And appearing vividly realistic for a dream. She never knew her brain was capable of this level of detail! It was incredible!
"Ah – I –" Was all she eventually managed to choke out.
"My, my! It would seem the girl has been rendered speechless in your magnificent presence, your grace." The robed koopa next to him chuckled.
Surprisingly, the King Koopa growled out what sounded like a weary sigh, before waving a swat in his direction.
"I'm in no mood for your patronizing remarks, Kamek! Even less so for uninvited guests who come to spy on my kingdom! So, spit it out, girl!" he snapped irritably.
"I – I'm sorry. I just –" Orchid shook her head, trying to get control of herself. This was her dream, wasn't it? So, why was she feeling so tongue tied? Come on! Get it together! She snapped at herself.
"My name is Orchid, and I honestly have no idea how I got here," she offered sincerely.
Bowser barked out a laugh at her words.
"Do you really expect me to believe that?" he questioned dubiously. "You gotta be working for someone. So, who is it? The boos? Bandits? You come from that crazy Bean place? Or has the Mushroom Kingdom finally sent someone to take me out once and for all?" he accused in rapid fire.
"What?" Orchid stared at him in stymied confusion.
"Uh, sir? I don't actually think she –" Shellshock, who Orchid now realized had come into the room with them, attempted to speak, but didn't get the chance to finish before being sharply cut off.
"No one asked what you think, grunt!" Bowser practically roared, instantly silencing him.
Orchid felt herself bristle as she watched her koopa friend cower in response.
"Hey! Don't take it out on him! It's not his fault I randomly dropped out of the sky!" she protested defensively, regaining the king's attention.
He turned back to her with a bit of surprise at the outburst.
"And just who do you think you are? Trying to give me orders in my own castle! I should roast you for that!" he glowered at her.
"So, why don't you? If you really believe I'm an enemy, then why not just execute me right now?" she dared him, beginning to get fed up with her own imagination.
She wasn't real impressed with this version of Bowser that her mind was somehow conjuring. If he was going to keep acting this way, then she decided that she was ready to wake up now.
Bowser leaned down with a menacing grin, until his snout was only inches from her face.
"Because I won't be able to persuade any information out of you if you're dead," he told her, a waft of smoke billowing from his mouth.
Orchid rolled her eyes at the thinly veiled threat. As if he could scare her in her own dream!
"You're welcome to try, but you're just going to be wasting your time. Sorry to disappoint you, but I really am just a random nobody. All I know is that I fell into a Warp Pipe and ended up here. I don't know why or how," she argued, but Bowser continued to fix her with an unamused expression.
"Is all this really necessary, your majesty? Even if she were a spy, which is doubtful, this scrawny child hardly seems like a threat," Kamek attempted to reason.
Orchid huffed in protest at the comment. Scrawny child?! Oh well, he did kind of have a point. She acknowledged, staring down at herself.
Bowser groaned wearily, rising back up to his full height. Squeezing his eyes shut, he pinched at the area in between them as if he had a migraine.
"Fine, whatever. Just – let her go. I don't have the patience for this, anyway," he lamented, waving them all off as he turned to leave.
Kamek brandished his wand, causing the door of the cell to pop open.
"Wait, let me go? But, where am I supposed to go? I don't know how I got here, or how to get back!" she found herself questioning, momentarily forgetting her dream theory.
"Not my problem," she heard Bowser call from the other room, and hurried to keep up with him, the other two koopas following as well.
As they traveled down the long, dimly lit hallway, Orchid voiced another thought as it occurred to her.
"Hey, before I go, would you mind if I had a little look around first?" she requested.
"What?! Of course I mind!" The Koopa King snapped, yet not bothering to turn around. "You really are the worst spy of all time," he muttered.
"That's because I'm not a spy!" she insisted with a small pout.