I'm shaking, physically shaking. Normally, I'd be shaking with rage at my idiot yet adorable husband that I'm simply so damn in love with, can't stay mad at for too long.
Lately, Owen and I have been doing better. Much better, actually. We're finally talking. I've finally let go of my petty anger and frustration, and just let him love me. Which is all he's ever tried to do. So much so, that I've completely let my guard down these last few weeks.
The make up sex continues to be amazing, in addition to the new moves Owen's incorporated into our love making sessions that he's picked up from our sex-ed course a few months ago.
But we're slowly falling back into our best friends, turned lovers, turned parents, turned actual family routine. The way it was before he made some stupid decisions. The way it was before I made stupid decisions.
Basically, just being us, again. Which is what I've missed the most. Being best friends that are also deeply, madly in love with each other.
And what I'm holding in my hand, the thing that's causing me to shake with nerves in a cocktail mixed of joy, excitement, fright, uncertainty, anxiety, happiness, fear, worry…is only proof of that.
Of our never ending passion, rage and ecstasy…
I'm pregnant.
And today is the day that I'm supposed to tell Richard Webber my decision on whether or not to accept becoming the new Chief of Surgery at Grey Sloan. Meredith Grey has been the Chief and now, she's leaving. I never thought I'd actually see Meredith leave Seattle. We were never particularly close but, I've always liked and respected her. After all, she's the one who convinced me to stay in Seattle when I was three months pregnant with Owen and I's beautiful little girl.
I tear up at the thought. My babies, who are now four and five and a half years old, are growing up so fast.
I rest my palm on my flat abdomen, give it a little rub and smile to myself.
I don't want to miss any part of my children's life that I don't have to. Time goes by fast enough as it is and being a full time surgeon and mother, is a hard enough task.
I'm realizing that as unexpected as this news is, it's perfect timing. For once in my life, our lives, me and Owen, the timing is perfect.
And now I have to decide if I want to take on an even more tasking professional life, on top of being there for my husband and kids.
I don't want to mess things up this time. I know Owen doesn't want to either. God, Owen is going to be so happy when I tell him though, that I'm having his baby again. There are so many moments he missed out on the first time because of our stubbornness and now, he'll be here every step of the way.
I smile and tear up a bit, thinking about how he'll actually be here for me to tell him right away, see the baby at my first ultrasound, feel their first kicks…all of that he missed out on with our Allison.
In this moment, I truly don't know what I want to do. Do I want to keep my current position and continue focusing on surgery, teaching, my kids, Owen and getting ready for this new baby? While staying as healthy and stress free as possible? I mean, I'm 45. In this day and age, 45 isn't necessarily "old," to be having a baby but, it's also…old to be having a baby. I want to do my absolute best at keeping this baby safe and healthy until they're ready to enter this crazy world we live in.
Taking on Chief of Surgery, on top of everything else, might hinder that.
I've been Chief before. At MedCom, and as much as I loved it, I can't imagine doing it now with a husband and two small children, let alone being pregnant and then having a newborn to take care of.
"Breathe Teddy…" I whisper to myself. One thing at a time.
For now, I clean myself up, tuck the test in the pocket of my scrubs, wash my hands and head out the door to see what Owen's up to.
But before I can find my husband, Richard approaches me.
"Hey Altman!" He shouts gently as he flags me down the hall.
"Richard!" I greet cheerfully, "good morning."
"How are you?" He asks.
Huh, I think to myself, that's a loaded question right now.
"Fine, sir. How are you? Just so you know, I haven't made up my mind on my final decision yet, but I will let you know by the end of the day."
Richard gives me a questioning look.
"I'm surprised, Altman. I really thought this would be an easy decision for you. Especially given your history in Germany and, you're certainly familiar and qualified to deal with the people here." He chuckles.
Yeah but I'm a mom of of two, soon to be three children, not to mention that third child being an infant. I don't know if I can handle a job like this and be a good mom of three and wife to Owen. Let alone be a great surgeon and teach.
Oh my god, Mika. I completely forgot that I also want to teach Mika!
God, this decision feels impossible. But is it really? I'm a bad ass, boss lady, surgeon right? Those were Yasuda's exact words.
Yasuda. Already such a promising future resident. She reminds me so much of Cristina.
And I miss having someone to teach. Really teach. Someone who actually wants to learn from me and learn the craft of Cardiothoracic surgery. Not just because it's part of their surgical rotation and they have to log hours in cardio.
"Altman? Are you hearing me?" Richard breaks my lost in space train of thought. So many things are screaming in my mind at once.
"Yes, sorry…"
"I need an answer by end of day Altman, please. And again, I really think you'd make an excellent Chief of Surgery here at Grey Sloan."
"Thank you sir."
Richard nods with his kind, reassuring smile and continues on his way.
"Can someone page Owen Hunt to the pit please?" I ask a nurse as I head there myself.
Down in the pit, I see Owen's already there, talking to some interns and briefing them on what to expect today. Which, in all fairness, is usually unexpected. Kind of like what I'm about to tell my husband.
"Hey!" Owen greets me with a kiss on the cheek.
"Hi." I smile meekly.
"I haven't seen you in a couple of hours, everything okay?" He asks.
"Yeah, yeah," I smile and shrug, "just some consults upstairs and, I ran into Richard. He really needs an answer about accepting Chief by end of day."
Owen smiles. He wants me to take this position so badly, because he knows how capable I am and believes in me more than I believe in myself most days. He'll probably encourage me even more to accept Chief after I tell him I'm pregnant, reiterating that I can do absolutely everything and be superwoman.
But can I?
"Can we talk?" I ask discreetly as some interns remain around us.
"Uh, yeah. Sure. Everything okay?"
I nod expectedly. No pun intended. I'm so nervous all of a sudden.
"Yeah. Let's just step into an on-call room for a second." I say and take his hand gently, guiding him in my direction.
Once we're alone, Owen looks at me with his concerned, sweet, puppy dog blue eyes.
"Seriously Teddy, what's going on? I know you. I see something in your eyes, what's wrong?"
I take a deep breath, step even closer to my husband and take his hands in mine, pulling out the positive pregnancy test and place it in his hands.
"Teddy what…what is this? Are you…we?" Owen was nearly speechless, breathless. Beaming with pride and tears in his eyes, god he's so adorable. That sweet, sweet smile…
I nod ecstatically. For the first time today, I'm completely and utterly filled with joy about this baby.
I never imagined I'd have my daughter and adopted son with Owen. And now, I'm feeling extra lucky and blessed. Randomly getting pregnant at my age, without any help, just seems like somewhat of a miracle for me.
Maybe it is. Maybe I have my guardian angels looking down on me, sending me all of the love and happiness they know I've deserved over the years.
Owen embraces me and kisses me over and over again. He's crying. I am too.
"I can't believe this honey! Have you been checked out, do you know how far along?" He asks.
"No, I just found out this morning! Alone in a bathroom stall, peeing on a stick!" I laugh, while wiping away my tears.
"I have some time, do you? Maybe we can page Wilson or DeLuca, have them check you out?"
I nod.
"I have a CABG scheduled for this afternoon but, I have some time right now. And then after my surgery I HAVE to give Richard my decision."
"Do you think it'll be too much? Being Chief, making OR time, the kids, being pregnant? I mean, that's a lot Teddy."
"I know. And that's exactly what's been wracking my mind all morning. Can I do it all? I mean, I know I have help. We have a great team here, and I have you, and your mom…we have help, we have support. I just don't want to do anything that risks the health and well-being of this baby or Allison and Leo…"
"You have to think about yourself too, Teddy. You're no good to patients, the kids or me if you're too burnt out from trying to do it all…" He says, while tucking a strand of hair behind my ear.
I nod again, thoughtfully.
"I hear you. And I think I know what I want, I think I've known for awhile, even before this morning but, I'll find Richard later. Let's go check on this baby." I smile.
"Okay." He replies.
Minutes later I'm back in the exam room where Owen first saw our baby girl. The day we found out she was a girl.
I'm lying back with my legs up, while Jo Wilson enters the vaginal transducer into my cervix.
"I forgot how uncomfortable the first exam was…" I mumble quietly.
"Yeah, I'm sorry," Jo responds as she adjusts the angle of the probe, "based on your last period, I'm guessing you're around 6 weeks and, internal ultrasound is basically the only way to go when it's this early."
I chuckle.
"I know, I know. It's okay Jo."
"Oh my god," Owen whispers, while staring at the screen.
I look up at him, then at a smiling Jo and then to my perfect little walnut shaped baby.
"There they are…" Jo smiles. "Looks about 7 and a half weeks. Uterus and placenta look good. Everything looks great guys, congratulations!"
Jo removes the wand and gives us a moment to just stare at our baby while she prints out some images and takes some nots.
Owen and I just admire the screen in silence, sobbing with happiness and relief that they're okay.
"I'm so happy to be here for this part…" Owen whispers into my hair while kissing my forehead.
I look up at him, and bite my lip.
"Me too." I whisper back.
After Jo gives me and the baby a clean bill of health until our next visit in 4 weeks, we're sent off to continue with our days.
"I have a consult honey but, I'll see you later? Do you want me to talk to Richard with you?" Owen asks.
"No, no, thank you but, no. I can handle it."
"Okay." Owen smiles and blows me and my abdomen a kiss before running back down to the pit.
I sigh a breath of relief, pat my stomach and whisper to the baby…
"Let's go little man…" I already feel like it's a boy, I knew Allison was a girl the second I saw her for the first time on the ultrasound too, "we have a surgery to get to! Baby's first surgery!" I laugh to myself.
Hours later, after a routine CABG and a few more consults, I'm exhausted and ready to talk to Richard.
"Rough day, Altman?" He asks as I step into his office.
"Not at all. On the contrary really. Just very long, and busy. A lot going on." I chuckle.
"Oh?"
"Yeah. And, with that said, I've made my decision…"
"Go ahead then…" Richard says kindly.
"Richard, today I found out that I'm almost 8 weeks pregnant. Owen and I are finally back on track, our kids are happy and thriving, growing up way too fast before my
very eyes…I have a new student to teach. I think taking on Chief would just be too much for me to do well at this point, given everything else I want to give my ultimate care and attention to. I think Owen should be Chief. He's also done it before and done it well and, he deserves the respect that Chief of Surgery brings."
Richard nodded, with a slight smirk on his face.
"Well I'll be damned, it's about time we had another rug rat running around this hospital," he laughs, "congratulations! Wonderful, wonderful news. I know Hunt always wanted a big family."
I smile, thinking back on all of the conversations we had in Iraq about family and kids and what we wanted that picture to look like whenever the time and…right person came.
And now we're here.
"Thank you Richard, we're very happy and excited."
"With that said, I think Hunt would make an excellent Chief of Surgery again as well. I just didn't ask him because he only got off probation a few weeks ago and I didn't want to overwhelm him. Plus, everyone recommended you first."
"And I appreciate that, I do. And maybe in the future, I can do it. But for right now, I'd like to focus on growing this baby and keeping them safe and happy, teaching Yasuda, and being the best mom and wife and I can for my family. The last few years have been such a rollercoaster. I just need some time to breathe."
Richard nods.
"Understood. Well, I'll talk to Hunt, see what he thinks and put in the final recommendation to fill Meredith's seat."
"Sounds good!" I smile.
"Thank you for your candor, Altman. And congratulations again. I always knew it would be you and Hunt."
"Me too."