Just make a decision, already, I hiss to myself under my breath. I'd been standing in front of my open closet contemplating my small array of clothing options for the better part of a half an hour. I'd already taken more time than necessary in the shower, letting the hot water run clean over my skin after washing off the day's dust and grime. I'd been looking ahead to the coming celebrations for the end of the seasons harvest, when there was still the question of what to wear to the dance left in front of me to answer. Time was running low and I was more and more aware of that fact as the room began to darken with the coming sunset. The party wouldn't really kick off until then, giving folks plenty of time to go home and clean up after the day spent around all the dust and celebrations happening in the middle of town. But I still needed to decide what to wear. I pushed back the few shirts hanging in the closet till the soft cotton floral in brown tones was visible again.
The dress at the back of the closet was beckoning to me. I'd picked it up at the clothes exchange table a couple years ago thinking I'd maybe have occasion to wear it, but the need had never come up. So it had sat alone and somewhat forgotten, but I still kept with the hope that someday I would need a nice garment. While dances in the past hadn't really been things that I'd seen the need to dress up for, tonight was different.
I realized as August wore on that what Maria had told Joel at his house about the dance was only partially true. It had become an occasion that was a celebration of the community making it another year. It was a way for us to mark that we were still here, that we'd held on and persevered through another year of hardships but also through joyful moments and mundane ones, too. I also realized it was the first time in a long time that I wanted to really dress up and celebrate, too. I wanted to be a full part of the party and show just how alive I was also. Which kept bringing me back to the dress.
Forcing myself to finally act, I slipped it on and smoothed the fabric, shrugging back my shoulders and fussing with the hem to try and get it to sit just right. But I didn't even know what that was, I couldn't remember what it would feel like to have a properly fitting garment, not that my life before the outbreak had been all that particular about the fit of my clothes. But even in it's faults, this was the nicest thing I owned and it would have to do. I braided my hair back like normal, but at the last minute decided to let it stay down for the evening, a decision I might regret in the evening humidity brought on by low lying thunder clouds that were threatening to break open at any minute and drown us with rain.
The energy around town was flowing towards the community hall where the large meetings and dances were held, and the minute I left the apartment I was caught up in the excitement. Maria had crafted the town celebration schedules to come after long seasons of work or hardships, and right at times when residents would need a pick me up to launch them into the new cycles. It's why the end of summer festivities and the winter dance were situated when they were. People needed a break from the long days of hard labor and then something to end the long winter.
It wasn't but a couple minutes to walk to the hall, and I could hear the music grow stronger with each step that I took. Thunder rolled above me and a shiver of anticipation skated over my skin, though I tried to convince myself it was just from the electricity in the air. I wasn't kidding myself, though. I was excited to see Joel.
He'd been riding with the others bringing the cattle down Main Street and then into the livestock pens, dust kicking up a storm when they'd passed down along in front of my building. I'd closed all the windows tight to keep the dust out as best I could from the bakery and had watched them all go by from the porch. When he'd gone by, Joel had searched me out and raised his hand in a two-finger wave of hello before settling them back on the pommel of his saddle. He pulled his horse up to a brief stop, smiled, and I waved back. The horse threw it's head and perked it's ears forward to watch the cows go by, wondering probably why Joel stopped them from moving along. I thought about going over to him, but my hesitation was too long and he picked up the slack in his reins and leaned slightly forward, giving a small click of his tongue and a press of his heels to his horse. The small changes were enough for her to pick up her gait again and move along the line, leaving me behind. They had work to do.
At the pens, I sat on the bleachers set up along one side while the practiced folks cut the herd and showed off their skills. Joel was across the way, one foot propped on the lowest fence rung and his arms leaning against the top, resting his chin along his forearm and eyes tracking the action in front of him. Tommy sidled up alongside Joel and engaging him in conversation. Joel took a moment to straighten himself before leaning on the fence again in the same position. From this distance I couldn't hear what was being said between the two, but from Tommy's expression and Joels relaxed smile it didn't much matter. I'd felt pleased to see Joel seem settled, like he was allowing himself to really become a part of the community.
The past few weeks between the two of us had been like a dance we'd been doing through the whole town. We'd visit often enough on days off to consider it a regular habit, and then even the evenings we both were working we'd often meet up again at days end to spend some time together. Some evenings Joel would come over for dinner, and others I'd pack over a book and a snack to his house and we'd sit on the front porch watching the evening come on and the eventual sunset. Many times I'd catch Ellie on her way out the door to visit with her friends and take advantage of the long evening hours. Joel would call something after her but she would often just brush him off. You could hear his sigh a mile away.
"I never got to this point before," Joel mutters almost to himself. "Didn't think it'd be this hard."
"She's a teenager with her own friends," I'd try to reassure him. "You're going to have to learn to loosen the reins a bit."
"Hmmm," he'd murmured back at me, settling himself into the plastic chair he'd bring out front for our visits. It didn't occur me till later that something had slipped through the cracks and he'd left a piece of the past out there in between us, that for a second he'd forgotten about keeping it all locked up in an abundance of caution.
Sometimes it still felt like Joel was trying to find his way in town, to feel out his place considering his brother's important position as Maria's husband. But for now he seemed to be settling into the routine we had established with each other and with our work. Joel still liked to walk me home after my visits, and I eventually gave in and stopped telling him that it wasn't necessary. He'd give me a hug at the bottom of the stairs before he'd leave, tucked in the lee of the building and away from the eyes on the street, it felt like a stepping into a meandering creek when we'd come into each others arms. The same gentle current that might push at your ankles to flow along with the water was moving in my veins to maybe pull Joel further towards me, to let myself sink further into this depth of feeling that was brewing inside me. There were hints he felt the same pull, his hands lingering on my sides after we'd part, or his sidelong smiles on the days when he was off and I was still working handing out bread.
We were both waiting for the right moment to step fully into the current and let it carry us away. Wondering whether the other person was willing to do the same. It was the anticipation, the tension of still fighting against what seemed inevitable at this point.
The air inside the dance hall was almost as stifling as outside, saved only by the fact that they'd opened all the windows to let the cross breeze carry through and relieve some of the humidity. It may have been a mistake to wear my hair down, as I found myself repeatedly pulling it back up off my neck for some relief from the heat. The bar set up at one end of the building was busy still, and I sidled along one wall to see if I could spot Joel among those along the other wall or even on the dance floor. Keeping to the shadows I saw him and felt that familiar jolt in my stomach and the rush up my arms. He was standing at the bar with Tommy and Maria, chatting with the two of them and another woman who was animatedly telling a story to the group. Her name escapes me for the moment, but I know her family from their pickup, a legacy family who have been in Jackson for most of the outbreak. She was just a teenager at outbreak time and still radiates some of her wild youth. Some years younger than me I wonder at her sparkling recitations of the adventures on patrols and close calls all around town. My fingers pick reflexively at where the flour and bits of dough collect on my fingernails while working inside the walls, even though I have taken extra care to scrub them clean tonight. It's only imagined shame for my job, everyone has to eat.
I slow my pace and move along till I can get a better look at Joel's face, try to decipher how closely he's paying attention to what's being said. He'd mentioned he would "clean up" for the dance, but I didn't know how thoroughly he had meant it. His clothes looked all new to him, a fresh pair of jeans that may be have been a hair too snug for normal liking but would do for a night, topped with a long sleeve henley shirt that he'd left enough buttons undone and had rolled up the sleeves till they were just below his elbow. He couldn't get rid of the boots though, needing that steady and broken in comfort to connect him to the earth. He'd done his best trimming up his beard for the occasion and I let myself indulge in the thought of him bending over the bathroom counter with a towel wrapped around his waist, tipping his chin up and dragging the razor along his throat. I had to clear mine a second at the mental image.
I was caught in my open admiration of Joel when he suddenly looked my way and the corner of his mouth tipped up in a gentle smile. I'd been caught in the act and my cheeks flushed warm when I waved at him. He turned to the woman talking, who by the looks of it was just coming to the climax of her story, and excused himself from the group. She followed his departure with her eyes, the point of her story left untold, as Joel's retreating back definitively left her out in the cold. I saw Tommy shake his head but with a small laugh, while Maria put a hand to the woman's shoulder and turned her back towards them to encourage her to finish what she was saying.
"Howdy," I say when Joel reaches me, his hand finding mine and pulling me in for a quick hug. Whatever he'd been locked in moments before was obviously forgotten and I settled into the embrace and the surety behind it.
"Don't let me pull you away," I say and motion back towards Tommy, but Joel waves me off.
"Wasn't nothin'," he answers. "Rather be over here with you anyways." He takes a step back and looks me up and down, swallowing hard when he looks at me. "You look…great." He says. "Really great."
"Thanks," I answer, heat creeping into my cheeks again. "Don't get many chances to dress up like this so I figured why not. You clean up good yourself."
"Been awhile since I've had cause to," he says, shifting again and pushing the ends up his sleeves up even though they hadn't slipped at all. I try to think of something else to say to him to reassure him but instead we're interrupted by Tommy who has extricated himself from the storyteller leaving Maria by herself.
"Good to see you could make it," he says to me by way of greeting. He's looking back and forth between Joel and I, the corner of his mouth tipped up in a smile that clearly says he's very pleased with himself.
"And leave all the fun to you boys by yourselves?" Tommy gives me a real laugh and claps Joel on the shoulder again.
"Well, best get back to Maria before she starts signaling for help," he says glancing back over at where his wife is now caught up in another conversation with someone else entirely, this time probably playing some kind of peacemaker by the look on the other person's face. "She don't get much chance to have fun at these things, folks always pick the darnedest times to bring some grievance to her."
"Go take care of your wife, then," Joel says. "We'll be fine."
"Oh, I know you will," Tommy says and gives me a wink before he starts backing away. "You two have fun. And remember, don't do anything I wouldn't do."
When he's gone far enough away I lean closer to Joel who is still watching his brother and shaking his head slightly.
"He keeps saying that," I murmur.
"Yeah," Joel responds. "Tommy thinks he's real funny. Don't pay it no mind. You wanna dance?"
"All right."
We stand together on the side for a few more heartbeats before he takes my hand and pulls me in close to him, my one arm going around his shoulder and while the other hand is held steady in his out beside us to guide us across the floor. His other hand is on the middle of my back, pushing gently at times and holding me closer when we got closer to other couples making their way around the floor. He smells like a fresh shower and clean clothes, a light rosemary and lavender scent coming from him that I recognize from the woman who makes the soap that's traded for in the mercantile. I wonder if Ellie had picked that scent for them to share in the big house, or if Joel had decided on it himself.
"You know how to two-step?" Joel asks, his voice dangerously close to my ear.
"No," I answer. "Do you?"
"'Course," he says. "Just hang on, I've got you." Joel pulls me in a little closer and proceeds to shuffle us around the dance floor, pivoting at points on the balls of his feet and moving me easily along with him. I laugh, the steps easy enough to follow but my enjoyment comes from Joel's moving us together, his focus on me while other couple make way as he moves along. Dancing with Joel is moving into the current, surrounding myself to his embrace and the movement of us together. I never want it to end. When the songs transition, we stay attached, staying close in the corners of the room holding hands, getting a drink at the bar, and setting foot back out onto the dance floor for more. The tempo of the songs ebb and flow and in a string of slower songs, we find ourselves rotating slowly in each other's arms. Our joined hands held close between us and his arm wrapped almost all the way around me, holding me against him. For the moment the world melts away and we are lost to our surroundings, the only thing we focus on is each other and the way we feel fitting together like this, to be moving together like this.
We come back to ourselves when the music ends and folks are preparing to clear the floor for the crowning of the fair king and queen. I feel lightheaded in the suddenly too warm room and whisper to Joel that I want some fresh air. He nods in understanding, and leads us back towards the doors and then out onto the boardwalk. The weather has broken open and rain falls steadily, creating small rivulets down mainstream and overflowing in places from the gutters. There's a shift between us, the anticipation of the evening has come undone and left us standing on the precipice of whatever comes next in our dance together. It's been so natural these last months since his return, our obvious favoring of each other and spending time together, is culminating now on this boardwalk where we stand briefly catching our breath in the fresh air and watching the rain come down.
"I'm really glad you came out tonight," Joel says, his voice low. He gives an extra squeeze to my hand and I turn towards him to find his eyes imploring mine. "Really glad."
"Joel, I-" I start to say, but his other hand comes up to my face, his fingertips ghosting along my jaw until they've settled back behind my neck and he can pull me close in. He doesn't hesitate, but moves slow and smooth until we meet in the kiss. My whole body comes alive, shivering almost even though the night air is still warm. I haven't believed in fate for a very long time, not since before outbreak day and the years of suffering since. Not even since I arrived in Jackson and had my own return to some kind of normal. But this moment here, kissing Joel and diving head first into the flow of what we have become could be enough to persuade a person that even little miracles can exist in these uncertain days.