WARNING! THIS STORY CONTAINS MATERIAL INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO: Rape, implied underage sex, underage drinking, and roofies/involuntary drugging.
If any of those themes bother you, please read with caution!
I'd also like to apologize in advance for the formatting on this because it was written to go on Ao3 (I suggest reading it there instead. My handle is the same) and contain elements like strikethroughs. FFnet has absolutely butchered my formatting.
I'd also like to state that I'm dyslexic and mistakes sometimes slip through even after proofreading 50 times, so please feel free to point any errors out so that I fix them. Thank You!
Kakashi is sixteen years stupid when he decides that there's clearly something wrong with him and that the only way to fix it is to fuck everything within ten feet that he doesn't have personal and/or work ties with, because according to everyone he knew you're supposed to get all hot and bothered when around attractive people and the fact that this wasn't the case with himself was considered to be yet another abnormality that made him stand out from his peers. He was also sure that it was the topic of gossip amongst said peers when they were sure that he wasn't listening, just like every other fault he had. Unfortunately, -and painfully obvious why in his later years- his endeavors not only didn't work, but had only served to confuse him more the harder he tried.
Where was that intense zing everyone talked about?
Yeah, he'd developed crushes on people sometimes, but those mainly consisted of the I want to read my books next to you and listen to you talk kind of crushes, not the I want to tear your clothes off and ravish you kind that the older members of ANBU often chatted about in the locker room and that he'd only experienced a measly once or twice on a significantly smaller scale than he'd been expecting.
Why was he, once again, the odd one out? The freak?
Kakashi is seventeen years stupid when he discovers Icha Icha for the first time, front and center in an adult book shop that he most definitely wasn't supposed to be in, and he bought it out of sheer curiosity, Jiraiya's name on the cover immediately drawing his attention. The pages were filled with dirtier escapades than he'd thought humanly possible and the dialogue often made his fair skin blush a deep crimson under his mask as he read the pages again and again and again in awe. It was also at this time, and thanks to that damn book, that he'd finally realized that he'd had relationships all wrong and that they were meant to be something dear and precious, and that what was really important was how you and the other person connected, not how horny looking at each other got you.
That's not to say that the books themselves didn't elicit a certain response from him, though, the characters in them making Kakashi feel needy in a way that actual people didn't. It was… odd , and it made him feel even more out of place, especially when he'd had the bright idea of mimicking one of the scenes that turned him on the most with an older woman and it had felt just as empty as his previous attempts at sex had.
Why was it only good when he was reading the books and not with actual people? It made absolutely no sense to him, and so he found himself, much like before, trying it again and again to no avail, the realization he'd had previously being buried underneath a pile of desperation, a need to be "normal."
At eighteen years stupid he finds himself cornered by the Sandaime, the older man looking entirely done as he demanded that Kakashi tell him why the fuck he had multiple ANBU coming to him requesting that he do something about "FOX's questionable sexual conduct." Kakashi had been mortified by the interaction, avoiding direct eye contact as he explained to the Hokage exactly why he was running around sketchy parts of the village with a scarlet letter on his shirt. Later in life he was grateful for the confrontation, but at the time he'd wished for nothing more than for someone to hop out of the shadows and put him out of his damn misery.
"If sexual attraction isn't a thing for you, then there's no need for you to try and force it, Kakashi," Hiruzen had told him, his tone changing from irritated to one that was warm and fatherly and very much so making Kakashi wish that his own father was with them still. "I honestly don't see why you let it get you this much. You're not normally one to care so greatly about trivial things such as sexuality."
Kakashi had stared at Hiruzen like he'd grown a second head. "Huh? Sexuality? What does this have to do with sexuality?"
Hiruzen had stared back at him, looking just as dumbfounded before he sighed in exasperation, muttering to himself that he was getting tired of having this talk with stupid fucking teenagers . Kakashi had listened intently as the older man had waved him closer and explained the vast amounts of sexualities that existed, Kakashi's confusion lifting when the man finally delved into how some of them were actually a lack of attraction and suddenly, suddenly, so many puzzle pieces clicked into place in the boy's brain.
After that night Kakashi had stopped seeking strangers out, content with himself as he was with his newfound knowledge and happy to just admire the intimate acts as they occurred within his beloved books.
Kakashi is nineteen years stupid when the what could possibly go wrong mentality from his younger years finally bites him in the ass in the form of a previous "partner" sauntering over to him in a bar that Kakashi, once again, shouldn't have even been in.
"Why, if it isn't my naughty little puppy ," The man says as he leans forward, picking Kakashi's sake bottle up and pouring him a fresh cup with a flirtatious look. Kakashi resists the urge to groan as he tugs his mask down just long enough to throw the alcohol to the back of his throat, deciding that the additional cup will help him deal with the coming bullshit. He didn't remember many of his experimental fuck buddies, but he remembered this one.
Jiro Watanabe, AKA: the most annoying person Kakashi had fooled around with due to his insistence that them having had sex meant that Kakashi was somehow his despite Kakashi having made it perfectly clear that it was a one and done type of situation. To make matters worse, Kakashi had enjoyed their encounter significantly less than the many others he'd had, which was saying something. Jiro had, for lack of better words, been a selfish lover who'd only cared about getting his own rocks off and had left poor Kakashi to tend to himself once the older man had finished. The man even had the nerve to try and publicly harass Kakashi for another go many times after, much to his immense embarrassment and aggravation.
Kakashi very much wanted to maim the man for it -and for repeating said cycle today- , but alas, he was a civilian and Kakashi had a bad enough track record without adding assaulting annoying civilians to not only his actual record, but to the gossip pool, and so he decided to just tolerate the bastard and deflect his advances, as per the usual.
"If you're bothering me for that , then I'm sorry to inform you that I no longer do that with anyone ," Kakashi informed him with a dismissive flick of the wrist and a not too subtle glare.
If that had been the end of it then it would have been too simple, and so Kakashi wasn't even remotely surprised when Jiro placed his own bottle on the counter leaned in on him, his breath hot and heavy and stinking of cheap sake. "C'mon now, puppy . I'm just saying hi to you as an old buddy. No need to be so aggressive towards me."
"Listen," Kakashi started, annoyance bleeding into his tone, "I'm waiting on some friends and would appreciate it if you cleared out before they got here. I'm not in the mood for this."
He really wasn't. ANBU kept him busy in ways he enjoyed, ways that let him forget , but he sometimes enjoyed getting away from it and just being a stupid teenager with his friends on the rare occurrence, and the fact that this dick was stepping in on one of those occurrences before it even got started was rubbing him entirely the wrong way.
Jiro leaned forward again and blew behind Kakashi's ear and Kakashi, in turn, sneered, his nose crinkling above his mask as a low growl rumbled low and threatening in his throat, exactly how his father had often scolded him for and taught him not to do, because clans like ours have enough problems without us giving people validation that we're no better than the beasts we take after.
The man laughed, e d, as he leaned back, an irksome grin smeared across his face. "C'mon, no need to get all riled up for everyone to see. We might get kicked out."
"If that concerns you, then I'd advise you to leave me alone. I've already said that I'm not interested in whatever you have to offer."
Jiro shrugged as he finally stood up and away from him, making a show of stretching his back muscles out. "Suit yourself." He pointed to a booth on the other side of the bar. "I'll be over there if you change your mind about chatting, though."
Whatever. So long as he leaves me alone.
Kakashi snatched the bottle of sake he'd been sipping on up and downed the whole bottle like one would the sharp liquors found in other nations, no longer caring about savoring it and just wanting to be drunk already so that he could forget this little bump had even happened. He eyed the bottle Jiro had accidentally left and downed that one, too, deeming it safe enough for consumption as the man had been drinking it himself and was a civilian, lessening the risk of it having been tampered with.
Finally finally finally after some minutes a dull buzz was starting to fill his limbs and ease his mind. He leaned forward against the bar and let his shoulders relax and his head loll forward as he picked peanuts out of a nearby bowl, cracked the shells, and tossed them one after another down into his mask and into his mouth, not really minding that they were leaving a salt coating inside it. That was a later Kakashi problem, not a current Kakashi one, like the fact that all three of his friends were somehow late and that he was probably going to be hammered long before they got there if they took much longer.
Seriously, what's with the role reversal?
Many minutes of waiting more and the sake had fully set in alongside the strong urge to take a piss and Kakashi mutters something on the lines of "if two nice looking people and a goof in spandex come in looking for me, tell them I'm in the bathroom" to the bartender as he stands up and almost cartwheels backwards and onto his ass. Almost .
"Gods, their sake must be stronger than what I'm used to," he mutters to himself as he wanders into the restroom and into a stall to pee so that he has a wall to lean against as he unhooks his pants to relieve himself. Usually it took a bit more than what he'd had to get him this messed up, and his small bottle plus what was left of that asshole's was nowhere near that amount. It made little alarm bells start to ring in the back of his brain.
What are the symptoms of being drugged again? It usually leaves you feeling sluggish and sleepy, right? Kakashi squinted at the wall behind the toilet as he tried to figure out if that lined up with his current symptoms.
He leaned harder against the wall as he finished up and tucked himself back into his pants, fumbling with the zipper for far longer than what was acceptable, drunk or not.
He was just over-reacting, he had to be. This was literally just as simple as him having lost some of his tolerance since the last time he went on a drinking binge and the fact that he was drinking sake that was stronger than what he was used to, the stuff he usually drank coming from sketchier bars that served the shitty stuff the "good" bars didn't want. Not that this bar was good by anyone's standards, they simply didn't care enough to check IDs on people who looked close to the legal age or had ANBU tattoos like himself, which made it good enough .
The alarm bells died down a bit at that, only to flare back up stronger than ever when someone pushed into the stall with him and closed the door behind them, wedging Kakashi between their heavy body and the filthy graffiti ridden wall.
"Normally you people would have seen that shit coming a mile away, but I guess you being boozed up in advance helped out a bit."
Huh?!
Kakashi squinted back at the person pressing up against him in the dark stall and audibly groaned when he caught sight of messy hair and bright green eyes that smiled down at him amusedly. "You change your mind yet?"
Kakashi scowled, not caring that the jackass couldn't see it and not finding him worthy of a proper answer, either.
"Silent treatment, huh?" Jiro's tone dropped from playful to something a bit darker. "Or perhaps you don't trust yourself to speak? C'mon. Lay it on me. What's your answer this time, puppy ?"
By the Gods he hated that stupid fucking nickname and everything it adumbrated. It made him want to say fuck it to everything his father had taught him when he was small and just maul the man then and there in the dingy bar bathroom like his feral ancestors would have.
Except… His limbs were somehow even heavier than they were before, his eyelids heavier as well as he found himself leaning against the dirty wall and offending man for support more than he'd intended so that he didn't slip down onto the even dirtier floor. He shouldn't have been progressively losing function like this.
There was a chuckle, the sound of it dark and threatening as it rumbled in Jiro's chest. "Or maybe you're too tired to answer."
Nope. This isn't happening. Not like this, Kakashi thought as he willed himself to stand up straight on his own accord and look Jiro in the eyes with his one visible one. It seemed that there was only one way he was getting out of this damn stall and he was going to be damned if he let the man think Kakashi had let it happen forcefully. He'd rather fall face first in the toilet and drown in his own piss.
"If I fuck you, will you leave me alone?" Kakashi asked, impressed by how steady his voice had come out. It really was becoming increasingly difficult to hold himself up and form words all the while trying to place the exact moment he'd fucked up and let himself be slipped Gods knew what by the persistent creep.
Had it been in my own bottle or the one Jiro had left? Or maybe it was in the cup before the sake got poured. Was it on the peanuts?
He didn't know , and that was weirdly bothering him more than how he was actively being turned around pressed face first against the wall, more than how his pants were being jerked down and how something slick was pressing against and into him, drawing perverse sounds from his lungs that he didn't want to make before he could stop them.
Kakashi's eyes closed as he tried to convince himself that the current situation was somewhat in his control, having made the decision to just let it happen instead of stupidly fighting a battle that his drugged body wouldn't tolerate and losing regardless, but he felt that confidence falter a bit as he remembered why he'd decided that it was a losing battle in the first place. A civilian had fucking drugged him and he hadn't even noticed. Hadn't smelt nor tasted it. Hadn't registered anything was off until he'd tottered into a confined space that could be, and currently was being used against him.
He was so stupid, stupid, stupid! He was in ANBU! How could he have let this happen?! This was the exact kind of situation he was trained to avoid.
Something thicker pressed against his ass and the heavy panting against his neck as it pressed in made him whine hopelessly as it sunk deeper and deeper until it could go no further. Kakashi gripped his own length and began to clumsily pleasure himself as Jiro began to move, because dammit he might as well. It would, at the very least, be a distraction for himself and alongside that destroy any satisfaction Jiro might have gained at this being an involuntary interaction. Bastard.
"For someone who was going on about not doing this anymore, you sure do seem to be enjoying it," Jiro huffed between Kakashi's shoulder blades and it took so much for Kakashi to not spin on him and try to bite him like he'd previously contemplated, but that would be fighting back and fighting back would be admitting that he didn't actually want this.
Suddenly, a hand was wrapping around Kakashi's cock as well and he hated himself for the sound that escaped him as it shoved his own hand out the way and began pumping him with vigor, slick with spit. He also hated how he did nothing when the other hand pulled his mask down and shoved a finger in his mouth, tracing the sharpness of his teeth with perverse intrigue. Once again the desire to bite was there, and once again Kakashi shoved it down. He'd maul him later when he wasn't drugged on top of being drunk and was somewhere that wouldn't result in him being detained when some poor unsuspecting fool stumbled upon the bloody mess he'd leave behind.
"This right here is why I keep telling people to get with people hailing from beast clans," Jiro moaned, his voice muffled by the back of Kakashi's shirt, his flak having long been ditched at the bar. "Shit's fuckin' hot, man. Sharp teeth, wild hair, and knotted cocks . The real works. "
Oh. Yeah. Kakashi had almost forgotten about that , about how Jiro fetishized all the things Kakashi was self conscious about, all the things he'd inherited from his canine-like clan. He'd also tried to block out how good it felt to be praised for those traits as he was fucked by said man, both now and then. Those were the kinds of things one wanted to hear from a proper partner, not a one night fling who'd come back to haunt him and had forced him into agreeing to sex if for nothing than preserving some of his dignity.
Kakashi involuntarily bit down on a finger, several more having somehow slipped in without him noticing -I'm losing time - and the bastard moaned and pounded into him even harder. Tears pricked at the corners of Kakashi's eyes, no longer able to force himself to enjoy this with the man's building aggression and his own fading senses. Jiro's hand moved away from his cock to grip his hip painfully tight for better leverage and to hold him up as he somehow lost even more leg function.
"Such a good boy."
Fuck you.
More time had clearly been lost, because Kakashi blinked and suddenly they were done, his pants having been pulled back up with him having no recollection as to who'd done it.
Fingers snapped next to his face and Kakashi blinked at them, confused. "What?"
"I said: don't fall into the fucking toilet when I open the door," Jiro told him, sounding annoyed and indicating that he'd already told him this at least once, and Kakashi felt himself growing increasingly confused and very much wanting to ignore the fucker and just let himself slide to the floor and go to sleep right then and there.
No. That's whatever he gave you talking. Stay awake, stay awake, stay awake!
The stall door finally opened and Kakashi stumbled out after Jiro in a daze, wanting nothing more than to be free of the damn place. He immidiately slammed face first into the chest of someone significantly larger than himself. Great. What now?
"Kakashi, what the fuck are you doing ?" The chest asked and Kakashi squinted into dark fabric as he struggled to recognize the familiar voice, inhaling their scent deeply to identify them, not trusting himself to have the strength to actually look up . They smelt warm and heavily of tobacco, smoke, and peppermints. It was Asuma . Shit.
He tried to give an answer, an excuse to why he'd just stumbled out of a closed bathroom stall with another man, his knees weak and his body smelling heavily of sex, but instead he just hummed distantly into the fabric of Asuma's sweater.
Asuma's hands were warm on his shoulders as he gripped them to pull Kakashi's hunched body up and away from his chest, asking something that Kakashi didn't quite understand, his friend's words refusing to properly register in his addled brain. As Kakashi asked him to repeat himself a coarse thumb swiped under his eye, and Asuma's tone changed to one of distress, the scent if his sweat quickly changing to mimic it.
He glanced down and the floor started shifting under his feet like water during a storm, the patterns on the tiles doubling and tripling before going back to doubling again He tried to adjust himself accordingly, but his knees gave out.
He blinked and he was surprised that he wasn't on the restroom floor, but was instead being led through the bar, Asuma's grip almost painful as he tried to hold Kakashi up by his upper arm as they walked. He was eventually shoved into a booth, wedged between Asuma and the wall as the man hurriedly whispered to Kurenai and Guy about something he was too inebriated to focus on. Instead, Kakashi directed his attention to the bowl of peanuts sat in the middle of the table.
Had it been in my own bottle or the one Jiro had left? Or maybe it was in the cup before the sake got poured. Was it on the peanuts?
He didn't know , and that was weirdly bothering him more than how he was actively being turned around pressed face first against the wall. More than how his pants were being jerked down and how something slick was pressing against and into him, drawing perverse sounds from his lungs that he didn't want to make before he could stop them.
He pulls his hand away from the bowl and someone else's hand, Guy's, he thinks, tries to pull his mask back up, but he clumsily smacks it away, whining that it's too hot for it despite it being cold enough in the bar for his bare upper arms to be covered in goosebumps, which was odd, because he really did feel hot.
He tugs his hitai-ate off and lets it clatter loudly out of his hand and onto the table. It was too heavy on his eyelid, for his head. It was annoying.
He also hated how he did nothing when the other hand pulled his mask down and shoved a finger in his mouth, tracing the sharpness of his teeth with perverse intrigue.
"Kakashi, it's not hot in here. It's November. It's cold," Kurenai argues, and he tries to look her in the eye, but there's two of her and he can't get either of them to be still long enough to focus on no matter how hard he squints at them, and so he goes back to the bowl of peanuts, this time taking a handful of them and struggling to crack the shells open before shoving the dried seeds into his mouth one at a time.
His fingers unfortunately keep fumbling hopelessly as he tries to open more and Guy takes the bowl from him and dumps the whole damn thing out on on the table and shells them himself, dumping the seeds in the bowl and shoving it towards Kakashi when he's done. Kakashi mutters a thank you, but isn't entirely sure that it comes out right, not with how the three Guys stare at him for it as he pops a seed in his mouth and leans against Asuma's arm.
Someone walks up to the table and something long and shiny glints under the shitty lights as they lean forward.
"Why, if it isn't my naughty little puppy ."
He blinks and Asuma is gone, replaced by Guy with Kurenai sitting where Guy had been a second ago. He squints around the table, his hitai-ate somehow in the middle of it despite him having no recollection of having removed it, and Kurenai smiles at him tightly when he asks where Asuma went. He was bigger than Guy and thus made a better pillow than the spandex wearing fiend he was currently leaned against.
"He's… dealing with something," she told him, her tone strained. "He'll be back in a little bit. Are you sure you don't want to just go home?"
That… sounded strangely familiar and so he suspected that he'd already been asked that question a few times already. Regardless, he shook his head. "Mmm fine here."
He wasn't ready to go back home yet, nor did the idea of the dinky dorm room he'd been renting out as of late sound much better. If he went home then he'd have to deal with… deal with what?
"Listen," Kakashi started, annoyance bleeding into his tone "I'm waiting on some friends and would appreciate it if you cleared out before they got here."
He blinked and Asuma was back, sat across from Guy and at a diagonal to himself. He looked angry, his index finger trailing across the sorry scruff that he was trying to grow out into a beard as he stared at nothing in particular. Knowing Asuma, he was probably worked up over something stupid.
"They get your food wrong or something?" Kakashi mumbled, his words slurred and his head limp against Guy's shoulder as he reached for more peanuts only to be met with an empty bowl. His fingers traced the rim of it in disappointment.
Finally finally finally after many minutes a dull buzz was starting to fill his limbs and ease his mind. He leaned forward against the bar and let his shoulders relax and his head loll forward as he picked peanuts out of a nearby bowl, cracked the shells, and tossed them one after another down into his mask-
"He's not OK," Kurenai muttered, stretching out over the table to brush her fingertips against his forehead tentatively. He recoiled from her hand almost instantly, the feel of them far too cold, and Guy had to grab him so that he didn't keep sinking involuntarily backwards and slide out of the booth and onto the floor. His hands, unlike Kurenai's felt like fire on his skin.
Jiro's hand moved away from his cock to grip his hip painfully tight for better leverage-
His vision blurred, his eyes wet and hotter than Guy's hands had been, and all three of his friends began to visibly panic.
He blinked again and he was leaning forward of his own accord, his forearms braced against the table, and there was a fresh bowl of shelled peanuts in front of him, which he was grateful for. There was also a cup of green tea to his right with a plastic straw sticking out of it. He had a vague memory of asking for it, but he couldn't properly recall when and simply shrugged as he leaned forward and drank from it. It was cold, so it had to have been sitting there for longer than he'd thought.
He was just over-reacting, he had to be. This was literally just as simple as him having lost some of his tolerance since the last time he went on a drinking binge and the fact that he was drinking sake that was stronger than what he was used to, the stuff he usually drank coming from sketchier bars that served the shitty stuff the "good" bars didn't want. Not that this bar was good by anyone's standards, they simply didn't care enough to check IDs on people who looked close to the legal age or had ANBU tattoos like himself, which made it good enough.
He blinked and the cup was empty, the straw placed across the top of it like a little bridge. The bowl of peanuts was once again empty as well.
"You ready to go home now?" Kurenai asked him and he shrugged tiredly.
"Didn't you just get here?"
"Kakashi, we've been here for hours ," Guy told him carefully. His usual chipper attitude was nowhere to be seen and that caught Kakashi off guard. What had happened while he was drunk off his rocker?
"Have we? My apologies if I've been holding you up from going home." He scratched his cheek and was shocked to find it bare. His brow furrowed as he tugged his mask up, the action strangely making his friends' shoulders relax.
"Oh, thank the Gods," Asuma breathed, leaning back and staring up at the ceiling as he exhaled an obscene amount of smoke. "I think he's finally back enough to understand what's going on around him."
Kakashi blinked in confusion, not fully understanding why his friends were so distraught about him having been plastered instead of joining in on it themselves, but something at the back of his brain hummed that there was a reason. Unfortunately, it wasn't coming to him, which was… concerning .
"How much did I drink? I feel terrible," Kakashi muttered, leaning his face into one hand while the other groped around for his hitai-ate, shoving the damn thing in his pocket once he finally got ahold of it. His ANBU flak was also missing, but he wasn't sure if he'd removed it before he came or not, so he decided not to worry too much over it. There wasn't anything of value in it and if push came to shove he could always backtrack for it in the morning if it turned out that he had left it at the bar.
Guy said nothing as he stood and hoisted Kakashi up by the armpit, visibly relieved that Kakashi was letting him touch him, so Kakashi suspected that this might not be the first attempt of it and that he may have been combative about leaving during said previous attempts. He'd have to apologize to them later.
"You got him?" Asuma asked, side eyeing them warily as Guy shifted Kakashi so that he'd have a better grip on him as they walked.
"Yeah. You two head on home," Guy responded, his voice making his chest rumble in a way that Kakashi found soothing. Guy chuckled humorlessly as Kakashi leaned his head against his shoulder. "I'll let you guys know if anything happens."
Kakashi didn't get the concern, but he said nothing, content just to be walked home in silence, the sound of Guy's breathing almost lulling him to sleep on his feet.
"So you really don't remember anything?" Guy asked him as they soaked together the next morning. Kakashi had felt gross upon waking up and Guy, who was still in his dorm room for some reason , had opted to join him in bathing at a nearby bathhouse when Kakashi had said that he needed to wash before his slimy skin drove him to going rogue. It was normal Guy behavior for him to join him at onsens and bathhouses, but the way he was looking at him the entire time made Kakashi uneasy in a way he couldn't quite place.
Bits and pieces of the previous night flashed through his mind, some few moments crystal clear while most remained incredibly muddled. What he could remember was either too uneventful to bring up or treaded into better off forgetting anyways territory, so he figured that stating that all of his memories regarding the night prior were blurred or nonexistent was simply easier and that it would get Guy off his back about it. He voiced his lie with practiced ease and did his best not to feel guilty for it.
His rival hummed thoughtfully at that, seeming to at least partially accept it as he leaned back, his arms coming up to brace against the tub's rim as his head tilted back with closed eyes in an attempt to relax. "Well, if you remember anything-"
"There's nothing to remember, Guy."
"Ok…"
It was fine. Kakashi would just wash it all away like he did the filth on his skin from the night prior, just like he did with Rin's blood every time thoughts of her became too much. He'd just wash it all away.
Unconsciously, his hands began to scrub at his skin under the water as he sunk down further into it, the towel wrapped around his face becoming heavy as it sucked in water and made it hard to breathe. He ignored it and continued his scrubbing, his eyes falling closed.
He'd just wash it all away.
Three months after the incident their little group is sat at a different sketchy bar known for serving to minors, his friends having every excuse under the sun as to why they can't go to the old one anymore -Kakashi knows it's because of him, and the realization of that fact makes his face burn with shame and guilt every time he thinks about it-, when Jiro shows back up again, his gaze immediately locking onto Kakashi tucked into the corner beside Asuma as he and Guy picked the things they liked and the other didn't out of the eachother's food; Kakashi stealing Guy's cherry tomatoes and Guy stealing Kakashi's tempura. Kakashi stopped once he'd realized the man was there and stared coldly back, his chopsticks lax and posture ready to hop across Asuma and beat Jiro's face in if he started his shit again tonight, consequences be damned. He was tired of this damn game already.
"You need something?" Asuma asked, his tone full of warning as he lit a cigarette and took a long drag from it before rudely blowing the smoke in Jiro's general direction.
Jiro cast him an annoyed and slightly scared look before glancing at Kakashi once more and shaking his head. "Ah, no. I think I just mistook your friend for someone else. I have a ninja friend who dresses similarly, you see."
"In that case you should move along," Asuma continued, his voice dropping to a threatening calm.
Jiro stood there awkwardly for a few more seconds, undoubtedly trying to figure out some way to talk to Kakashi directly before he gave up and reluctantly turned away from them and left the bar entirely, much to the Copy Nin's surprise. It wasn't like the bastard to throw in the towel so easily, usually needing several threats of bodily harm to even contemplate fleeing.
"That was the guy from before, wasn't it?" Asuma asked once their drinks had arrived and they were at least half a bottle in each. Kakashi froze, his veins filling with ice despite his attempt at remaining nonchalant about the whole ordeal.
" Asuma ," Kurenai warned in a hushed voice, glancing between him and Kakashi. "We said we weren't going to pry about that."
"I'm not prying , I'm just confirming that that's the same creep so that we can steer clear of him," Asuma defended with a shake of the head and cautious glance in Kakashi's direction. He was looking at him like he was made of glass and for the first time in a looooong time he wanted to punch Asuma in the face.
Kakashi stared back at him, grateful for his mask having been there to hide the grimace and near sneer on his lips as he spoke. " Maa … I don't know what you're getting so worked up about. There's no reason to let some rando walking up to our table sour our moods. He thought I was someone else. It's no big deal."
"Y-Yeah!" Guy threw in, coming to his aid despite the discomfort scrawled all over his face. "This is a night out for fun, not a night for worrying."
Kakashi made a mental note to order extra tempura with his food next time just so that Guy, the absolute angel, could "steal" it. The man had not only picked up pretty quickly that the topic of that made Kakashi uncomfortable and that he had no intention of talking about it further than they had that one morning in the bathhouse, but he had subsequently shut Asuma down every time he'd tried to in Kakashi's presence since.
In response, Asuma grumbled to himself like the big bear he was and Kakashi's tense face eventually eased into a solemn one. Asuma seemed to know more about what had happened than Kakashi liked and he even suspected that the man had hunted Jiro down sometime afterwards, perhaps even before Guy had dragged him home, and threatened information out of him regarding what he'd done. Part of him also suspected that punches might have even been thrown, going by the split knuckles Asuma sported when he saw him again a few days later and Jiro's apparent unease regarding Asuma specifically.
It was very Asuma like to do such a thing and think that no one, specifically Kakashi, would notice. It was almost endearing, would have been if not for the circumstances in which it had occurred and if not for the information Kakashi was terrified of Asuma having potentially gleaned from the creep.
Kakashi hoped against hope that Jiro had either lied through his fucking teeth during the assumed confrontation or that he'd gotten away before Asuma had a chance to beat it out of him. Unfortunately, Asuma's behavior was just one of many pieces of glaring evidence that Kakashi had hoped wrong, and it made him want to crawl under a rock or perhaps go live in the trees like a wild man until everyone forgot about it.
Speaking of people who know way too much...
Kakashi's gaze drifted over to Kurenai and their eyes locked for a millisecond before flickering away from each other. She also seemed to understand what had happened, but she, unlike the other two, hadn't once muttered a single word to him regarding it, her patient soul likely waiting for the day Kakashi himself brought it up.
Guilt welled up in his chest, then, as he thought about how much his friends cared about him and their different ways of supporting and loving him and… The way he returned their love and concern along with his stress regarding Jiro's brief appearance made the combination of cheap sake and sub par food twist sickeningly in his stomach.
"Let me out," he whispered, hurriedly nudging Asuma with his elbow.
"What?"
"Let me out," he said again, this time louder and with more urgency. He was worried that he was going to puke in his mask if Asuma didn't fucking move, and Asuma, as if seeing the panic glinting in his eye, hastily jumped up, extending a worried hand in Kakashi's general direction as he quickly shoved past him and ran towards the bathroom.
He needed his mask off now and thus jerked it down with shaky hands, the air too thick and his face too sweaty as he tried to shove down the urge to vomit the little bit of sake and the food he'd consumed as he charged into the restroom and closed himself in the nearest stall and locked it, leaning heavily against the door as he tried to will the nausea away.
Breathe, Kakashi. Breathe.
He closed his eyes and tried to focus on nice things, like the fresh forest air and the scent of trees surrounding the Hatake residence and how cold the metal door was on his back and- Nope! The contents of his stomach were forcing themselves out with vigor and he felt like he'd busted his knees out with the force in which he flung himself forward and onto the floor to spill his meal into the toilet, his whole body shaking as he continued to dry heave long after his stomach had fully emptied itself..
Nice thoughts, nice thoughts.
There was a knock on the stall door, followed by Guy's worried voice. "You OK?"
Kakashi shook his head and spit. "No."
"Do you want me to come in?"
He thought about it briefly and despite the fact that it was Guy , his best friend who would never hurt him, he felt his stomach lock up once more at the thought of someone else being in the stall with him. "No."
Gods, he hated how weak his voice sounded and he hoped that Guy would write it off as his throat hurting from puking, but before he could follow that train of thought further he was puking again , sour acidity spilling from his mouth and making his nose run. Fuck .
Somehow, while he was distracted by his clenching stomach, Guy had fiddled with the outside of the lock enough to force it open, only opening the door briefly before stepping in and closing it behind him and squatting behind Kakashi's hunched body. His fingers rubbed Kakashi's back as Kakashi groped blindly for toilet paper and blew his nose with it.
"Was your sake bad, or…"
"I don't know," Kakashi answered, his voice hoarse and weak.
"Maybe it was the noodles," Asuma's voice supplied from outside.
"Or maybe it's because a certain someone doesn't know how to drop things and stressed him out more than he already was," a feminine voice stated from directly outside the door and he spun around to squint at it accusingly, his shoulder wedging itself uncomfortably against Guy's chest. She seriously didn't follow him into the men's room, did she?!
"Kurenai?"
"Yes?"
"I tried to stop her," Asuma informed him, sounding further away from the door than he had previously. Kurenai was probably glaring at him if her tone had been any indication.
"I'm fine," Kakashi stated despite still feeling like he might hurl some more. He ignored the look Guy was giving him, his eyes screaming that he very clearly wasn't "fine " and continued. "Go order some more drinks or something. I'll-" Guy was almost glaring at him. "We'll be out in a minute."
"You sure?" Kurenai asked, her voice muffled by the door as it dropped in volume. She sounded unsure.
Guy once again came to his rescue, turning his head towards the door in Kakashi's stead as he continued to rub his back comfortingly. "Don't worry. I've got him."
"OK, then..."
Once their footsteps had moved away from the stall and out of hearing range Guy sighed heavily. "You know it probably wasn't a good idea to send them out, right. Asuma'll probably try and hunt that guy down again and start trouble."
So he had confronted Jiro back then. t...
"And I know you don't want to talk about what happened, but if it's making you do…" He gestured towards Kakashi's hunched form clutching the rim of the toilet. " This , then maybe you should?"
"There's nothing to talk about."
His stomach pinched again and he swallowed thickly. He wanted to hide behind his mask like he usually did, but he didn't trust himself not to puke in it if he pulled it up, so he opted for staring at his own stomach contents floating in the bowl instead. He grimaced. That was… Ew…
The rubbing paused briefly before continuing and the silence was filled by Guy's disgruntled sighing. He was worried and Kakashi could hear it, could smell it. It wasn't the only thing he smelt, tho, and nose crumpled as he spit into the toilet once more before leaning back into Guy's touch and letting his eyes fall closed. "If it were you, would you want to talk about it?"
Guy hummed thoughtfully at that. "I supposed I wouldn't want to, but I still would. Bottling things up isn't good, my beloved rival."
Kakashi opened his eyes and turned his attention back to the toilet, unable to stand the smell of his own sick any longer, and leaned forward to flush it before settling back down on his aching knees. The air and his own breath still smelt horrible and he felt bad for Guy having trapped himself in the small space with him.
He closed his eyes again and muddy memories of being trapped in a stall similar to this one floated forward, memories of forcing himself to enjoy something he didn't want and failing horribly at it as his face was pressed against a grimy wall and fingers shoved their way into his mouth and down his throat. It made Kakashi's skin crawl under Guy's hands and he had to remind himself that the hands on his arm and back were those of his friend, not his. The next breath he took was shaky and he breathed slowly, in and out, until it was steady once more. After many minutes he opened his eyes.
"I agreed to it, so whatever you guys think happened is wrong."
"And what do you think that we think happened?"
"I don't know, that I was-" Raped. "-engaging in sex while too drunk to properly consent? I assure you that I was sober enough to consent and that I did in fact give it."
Capitulation and consent aren't the same thing and you know it.
Shut up.
Your friends aren't going to judge you.
I said shut up.
It's not like they don't already know.
Kakashi's breathing was shaky again and the urge to hurl was back tenfold. His hand clamped tightly over his mouth as he tried to breathe through both the impending panic attack and the nausea, using Guy's breathing and the circles he was tracing on his back as an anchor.
Someone knocked on the door, then, but this time it was accompanied by a voice he didn't recognize. "Hey, you've been in there for ages and the other toilet is broke. You almost done in there?"
"Use the women's restroom or one in the place next door," Guy responded, his voice was painfully loud, but it was also helping Kakashi's mind not float entirely away. "My friend is ill, so it's still going to be a while, I'm afraid."
"Then take him home ," the voice rudely replied. "I have to take a shit."
Guy's hand stuttered, the muscles in it twitching, annoyed. "Then go to the women's restroom or next door and take it . We're not done yet."
There was a reverberating bang as the man kicked the door and Kakashi shakily started to twist around, ignoring Guy's hands desperately trying to keep him seated as he reached over him to unlatch the door. "My apologies for holding you up. I wasn't aware that the other toilet was broken."
The man froze, taking in the sight of them crammed on the stall floor and Kakashi's absolutely horrid complexion. "Ah… Uh… you look like hell. I'm sorry for yelling, but I really can't hold it, man. Can you please get out and let me in?"
"Sure. No problem," Kakashi responded as he clumsily stepped over a protesting Guy who quickly followed him over to the sink as the poo guy wasted no time locking himself in the stall they'd just been in. It would have been funny if he didn't still feel so sick.
Guy turned the water on for him and Kakashi nodded absently as a thank you as he washed his hands and then used them to cup the water to rinse his mouth out. He repeated the process several more times before he cut the water off and leaned heavily against the counter, staring at his haggard face in the mirror as he dried his mouth with a paper towel. He frowned.
His skin was paler than usual and was far clammier than he'd thought, the combination of it and the dark coloration under his exposed eye making him look half dead. He'd probably scared the ever loving shit out of that poor man when he'd open the door, the thought of which made him feel both amused and somehow worse .
"I think I'm just going to go home. Tell Asuma and Kurenai that I'm sorry."
"Sure, if you just give me a moment I'll do that and come back to walk you-"
Kakashi shook his head with enough force to turn his vision blurry. "No, you stay here and have fun. Don't let my sour stomach ruin your night."
Guy was quiet, so quiet that Kakashi glanced up at him in the mirror to make sure he was still there . The look he was giving him was heartbreaking. "Kakashi, I, your dear rival, would never be able to have fun and enjoy myself if I knew that you were not only ill, but walking home by yourself in such a state. The worry would eat me alive and I'm troubled by the fact that you actually thought that I could ever possibly do such a thing."
Kakashi winced. He should have figured that Guy would take his words to the uttermost deepest part of his heart and respond as heartfelt as ever, especially after their brief chat in the stall. There was also the fact that they'd seen Jiro that night and he was likely paranoid about letting Kakashi out of his sight while he was lurking around and his friend wasn't exactly in the best state, both physically and mentally, which he understood. If the roles had been reversed he'd be the same.
He reluctantly pulled his mask back up, willing his stomach to settle and his nerves to stop fraying as he stood up fully and made his way over to the bathroom door, Guy hot on his heels. "I'm sorry I hurt your feelings, Guy. I shouldn't have expected you to ditch me and enjoy yourself afterwards. I know you better than that."
"It's fine."
"No, it's not. I'm saying all the wrong things today and making shit worse." How he found their table on the first try, he didn't know. The bar was significantly more crowded than it had been before he'd run to the restroom and the air was filled with a thick layer of smoke. Apparently it was a popular location for smokers. "Hey, I'm going home and taking Guy with me. Sorry I ruined the fun."
Kurenai shook her head. "You didn't ruin anything, Kakashi. You also know that you can always talk to us if you need to, right?" She asked softly, her red eyes solemn. She nudged Asuma roughly with her foot. " Can't he?"
Asuma winced and nodded, outtening his cigarette and shoving the bud into the pack for later. "I'm sorry I said anything, Kakashi. This is my fault. I know you don't like talking about personal stuff and yet I still opened my big mouth when that guy showed up and… I'm just…" He rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly, avoiding direct eye contact. "Just… Ditto to what Kurenai said."
"You two be safe on the way home, please," Kurenai told them as she sipped at her drink, apparently having ditched the sake in favour of some sort of tea while he was in the restroom. He guessed that she'd either lost her mood to drink or had been paranoid at the possibility of the sake being bad thanks to him and it made him once again feel guilty. Despite that, he nodded, appreciating the earlier gesture despite knowing that he likely wouldn't be talking about this again any time soon. The tiny bit he'd given Guy in the toilet stall had already been too much.
He smiled at them with his eye reassuringly as he repeated his goodbyes for the night and woobily turned to leave with Guy. It didn't reach the rest of his face.
Guy, like last time, insisted on holing up in Kakashi's dorm with him despite Kakashi's half hearted protests that he should go to his own room and rest, but The Blue Beast refused to hear it as he practically shoved Kakashi onto the bed and worried his way around the room. Kakashi watched him with intrigue as he tossed his hitai-ate onto his shelf.
"Something comfy. Something comfy is always good when you feel ill," Guy muttered, digging through the bin of clothes shoved under Kakashi's bed and pulling out a blue and green dragon scale hoodie with the words "Just do It!" printed obnoxiously large on the sleeve. He eyed it suspiciously. "Wait, isn't this mine?"
"You left it here months ago, so you forfeit ownership. It's mine now," Kakashi argued, snatching the warm thing after he'd tugged his sleeveless masked shirt, pants, and chainmail off, leaving just his boxers. He couldn't honestly handle the mask any longer, the heat of own breath making the subdued nausea refuse to fade entirely and instead sit in his stomach like a rock. He dug his face into the hoodie's fabric as he pulled it on and inhaled deeply, enjoying the scent of detergent with a faint undertone of Guy somehow still embedded in it. Yes, he still scented things like a pup, but here in his dorm room with only Guy as his witness he didn't care. He felt sick in every sense of the word and wanted - needed comforting scents to ground himself back to reality and away from the bar.
"You really do feel bad, huh," Guy muttered as he discarded his flak jacket and own hitai-ate on the desk and placed Kakashi's trashcan next to the bed just in case . His tone was light and mildly amused, but it didn't quite reach his eyes.
"Mmmm…" Kakashi flopped sideways onto his mattress and curled in on himself pathetically. He was done playing the tough guy for the night and was more than happy to just lie there and let Guy tend to him, the man's weight on the bed next to his feet just as comforting as the hoodie.
The room was mostly silent, filled with only the sounds of their breathing for the longest until Kakashi did something unexpected; said something unexpected that made himself reel in shock the second the words left his mouth. He blamed his stomach and the earlier sake despite knowing the little effects it had had were long gone.
"What are your thoughts on consent?"
Guy spun on him, his eyes wide in confusion. "What?"
Kakashi… hadn't meant to ask that. Not out loud, at least. He winced at his loose mouth and covered his left eye, Obito's eye, with his hand as he tried to come up with a way to brush the question off. His mind drew a blank, and so he decided to just suck it up and bite the bullet. " Maa… like… what would you personally say does and doesn't count?"
"We talking sexual, or?" Guy asked, his cheeks reddening despite the serious tone surrounding his follow up. Kakashi was regretting asking more and more by the second.
"Just forget I asked. I didn't mean to."
"Ah, no!" Guy yelled, waving his hands, clearly not wanting to let the single thread Kakashi had accidentally tossed in his direction go. "I just want to make sure we're talking about the same thing before I say something stupid."
Since when does Guy care about sounding stupid? "Just… consent in general."
"I see." Guy seemed to think hard on it, leaning back on his hands as he stared at the ceiling in thought. His leg bopped excitedly as he did so and Kakashi focused on the rhythm of it as he closed his eyes. "I think it's important to have regardless of the context and that it only counts if the person means it, regardless of what they do or say."
Kakashi cracked his eyes back open and glanced towards his feet at Guy, hearing the unspoken question in his answer. ' Did you mean it when you gave your consent?'
Had he? He gave it, yes, but did it count in that context? Did Guy think it counted?
"What if you meant it, but you only meant it because the alternative was worse?"
He felt Guy stiffen, his posture rigid and his leg stilling. His voice was shaky as he spoke. "Then I'd say that it very much doesn't count, dear rival."
Kakashi nodded into his comforter and let his eyes slide closed again. The nausea from before was coming back and closing his eyes made him feel less like he would need to use the trashcan.
Guy moved, his weight making the bed shift this way and that as he crawled behind Kakashi and lied down as well, his arm draping over Kakashi's side and curling up towards his chest. It was a position he'd started unconsciously doing back when they were children when he'd notice that Kakashi was upset about something and it became more common of an occurrence after Duy had died and Guy found himself sleeping in the Hatake residence more and more often, stating that his own house was too empty. He could hear Guy's childhood voice whispering that snuggles make everyone feel better echo in his memory and he leaned into the contact with a sigh.
Guy was weirdly good at that, at making people feel better. It was something he'd undoubtedly picked up from Duy, the man always knowing how to bring a smile to people's faces, even if it was at his own expense. It made him one of the few people Kakashi liked as a child, finding the man to be wonderful despite everyone else's protests that he was just a lunatic.
To be fair, we're all lunatics in our own way , Kakashi thought to himself as he buried his face deeper into his bed. Most of us just aren't brave enough to admit it.
"Guy."
"Yes, my beloved rival?"
"Thank you for always being there."
He felt Guy nod into his shoulder. "Speak nothing of it. It is my duty as your friend and rival to always support you, through thick and thin and hell and hot water."
Kakashi wanted to correct him and say that it was high water , not hot water , but he couldn't bring himself to actually do it. There was too much heart in Guy's words to dissect them like that.
"I'd like to go to sleep now, Guy."
"Of course. Sleep well, my beloved rival."
"Sleep well," Kakashi mirrored, his voice trailing off as he focused on Guy's warmth and the sound of his breathing, his own personal lullaby. Thank you for everything.
"I changed my mind. I think I might want to talk about it now," Kakashi declared as he blew on his instant noodles from where he was sat on his bed. He and Guy had left his dorm room just long enough to boil some water in the communal kitchen for their food before retreating back to Kakashi's room in the early hours of the morning, both men being abnormally awake despite the ungodly hour and finding further sleep to be evasive.
Guy said nothing as he blew on his own noodles, situated at Kakashi's desk with the chair turned at an angle so that he could still see his friend as he ate. He waited patiently for him to continue, undoubtedly scared that if he said anything that Kakashi might lock back up and go back to ignoring the source of his most recent stress.
Kakashi's face fell as he stared into his food. "I don't know where to start or if I'm ready to talk about all of it, though."
"That's fine," Guy encouraged gently. "Only say what you want to."
Kakashi nodded as he picked a carrot out of his ramen and nibbled on it. His stomach seemed to be back to normal, but he still didn't fully trust himself to eat, and so he was taking his sweet time starting on his noodles. The last thing he wanted was to waste even more food than he had last night, especially when he still wasn't entirely sure if the source of said nausea had been stress or if something had been off with his dinner. It made him want to err towards caution.
The noodles were good, the pack being on the pricier side of the instant variety, and Kakashi savoured the taste as he ate a little bit at a time. He was about halfway through before he'd collected his thoughts enough to continue the conversation. "The academy doesn't really warn you about what being drugged feels like and ANBU training only touches on it briefly and I think that's a problem. I'm highly trained and yet it didn't even occur to me that something was wrong until I'd put myself in a situation that I couldn't get out of."
He glanced up at Guy who was listening intently, his finished cup sitting on the desk with the collapsable chopsticks that came with it laying across the top. It was strange to see Guy so quiet and focused, it both made Kakashi want to stop and hide and continue all at the same time. He abandoned the remainder of his own food on the shelf behind his headboard and shoved a hand through his hair as he struggled to find the words he needed and failed, opting for silence instead. Guy took it as his cue to finally speak on the matter himself.
"It was scary seeing you like that," he muttered softly, drawing Kakashi's attention back to him. "You were lethargic and super combative about us touching you and us trying to get you to let us take you home, and I don't know how much you remember about sitting at the table with us, but you kept alternating between muttering incoherently and repeating the same conversations we'd already had." He paused, visibly debating his next words, his expression pained
"What is it? Spill."
He looked reluctant still, but continued anyways. "You also randomly started crying at one point towards the end when I grabbed you to stop you from sliding onto the floor. One second you were unconsolable and the next you just seemed to forget that you were crying and went back to picking at those damn peanuts like nothing had happened." Guy shook his head. "And that's another thing. You kept getting really upset when ran out of peanuts, so we kept having to ask for more."
Oh... That's... That's embarrassing...
"Ah... I... I don't really remember that or much at all about what was going on outside of me being really confused. The memories I have after being dragged to the table are very distorted and fragmented and don't really make much sense, not even now," Kakashi explained, picking dog hair off his pants. "I mainly just remember the beginning of what had... happened, and then stupid things like how there was a chip in the table shaped like a bird, Asuma going missing for a bit, and you guys saying a bunch of stuff that I couldn't really make out."
"You remember Asuma leaving?" Guy asked. The worried look was back again.
Kakashi shook his head. "No. I just remember him being there, suddenly not being there, and suddenly being there again." Guy seemed to be doing maths in his head at that, his fingers lifting and falling as he muttered to himself. "What?"
"Ah, I'm just… It's concerning that the gaps are that big. It took Genma almost two hours to get Asuma back in the bar."
That was news to Kakashi. "Genma was there?"
Guy nodded, crossing his arms. "Yeah, he stopped by our table not knowing we were there and wanted to hang out, but then he noticed you and got super worried as well and we actually had to send him to chase Asuma down shortly after, because he randomly snapped, made me switch places with him, and charged out looking for the man you'd been in the bathroom with. Technically, I think he got Asuma back before the two hour mark, but I think he was too mad to come back in and just smoked outside for a while while Genma tried to calm him down."
Great. That meant an additional person knew about what had happened.
"So Asuma did punch him." It was no longer a question in his mind. At this point Kakashi had enough peices to know that he had.
"You knew about that?"
"His knuckles were busted and he'd gotten suspended for something he wouldn't share with me when I saw him a few days after. Doesn't take a scientist to put two and two together that he punched a civilian and that someone reported it to his dad." Kakashi paused, something that still was a question chewing on his brain. "Did… did he say anything to Asuma about what happened?"
Guy looked torn, glancing between his hands and Kakashi's face before finally locking his gaze on the growing collection of adult novels lining Kakashi's shelf. "Asuma said that he said some things, yes. He also said that it was, quote, a load of horse shit . Apparently he had claimed that you two regularly hooked up and then said a bunch of vulgar things afterwards that apparently resulted in Genma having to pull him off of the guy before he could deal too much damage."
Of course he said shit like that to his friends. Kakashi shook his head again, the action starting to feel like a dirty habit with how much he was doing it. "Exaggerating the truth as per usual. That's on brand for that bastard."
"Wait, so you knew him outside of that?"
"Knew is a strong word for it," Kakashi explained, looking out the window. "Remember how I told you about what I did a few years ago, about how I had experimented with people because I was confused about me ?"
Guy nodded, his eyes urging him to continue.
"Well that guy, Jiro, was one of those people and he got attached in a creepy way afterwards and took to regularly harassing me at bars."
"So he's been stalking you ever since?" Guy asked, suddenly very angry, his hand fisting into his pants so tightly that his knuckles shone white. "Why didn't you tell us, Kakashi, why didn't you tell me ? I could have helped you, I could have-"
"Because up until a few months ago he was nothing more than a nuisance that wasn't actually hurting anything except for his own pride and my patience," Kakashi hissed, his face heating up in a sickening mixture of anger and shame. "Do you really think that I wouldn't have ripped him apart myself if I knew that he was going to slip me fuck knew what, corner me in a bathroom stall, and refuse to let me out until I fucked him?!"
The nausea was back and Kakashi was suddenly glad that he didn't finish his food, because he felt it trying to fight its way back up his throat as he clamped his hand stubbornly over his mouth. Guy reflexively hopped up and grabbed the trash can, holding it out to him despite him shaking his head. Kakashi swallowed thickly, his skin feeling far too hot and the air far too cold.
"Why, if it isn't my naughty little puppy ."
There was a chuckle, the sound of it dark and threatening as it rumbled in Jiro's chest. "Or maybe you're too tired to answer."
He couldn't breathe.
"If I fuck you, will you leave me alone?"
He was actively being turned around pressed face first against the wall
Oh gods, he couldn't breathe
He was so stupid, stupid, stupid !
Something thicker pressed against his ass-
Guy was yelling in his ear and pulling at him and he couldn't stand it or the noise or the static and, and-
he hated himself
He did nothing
-moved away from his cock to grip his hip painfully tight for better leverage-
There was a burning sensation in his cheek and his whole body started as the mess of colors he was seeing melded back into the proper shapes of his room. Guy's voice also suddenly became crystal clear. "Kakashi, I'm so sorry, but you weren't hearing me and I panicked and I'm so sorry ," he cried, his fingers gently prodding at Kakashi's cheek, making Kakashi hiss and move Guy's hand out of the way so that he could feel it himself. It was hot and swelling.
"Did you slap me?" He shakily asked, pulling his fingers away with a wince.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to strike you so hard, I-"
Kakashi hastily shook his head. "No, it's fine. It helped."
Granted, he still felt like the walls were going to spontaneously cave in on him, but all of his senses were no longer in a blender and he could think . He actually was glad that Guy had literally slapped the sense back into him.
"But still," Guy continued, sobbing, "It's my fault you freaked out. I took your open heart and snatched the hinges off the door and made everything spill out when you didn't want it to. The entire point was for you to want to and I forced your hand by getting upset and yelling and-."
"You didn't mean to-"
"It doesn't matter if I meant to, Kakashi, just like it doesn't matter if that man meant to hurt you or not. He still did and so did I." Guy looked how Kakashi felt and it made the latter's heart ache even more. He hadn't meant to drag Guy this far into his problems.
"I'm sorry this is affecting you as well," he muttered, voice tinged with regret.
"My beloved rival, friends are supposed to let themselves feel their friends' hurt. It helps them heal ," Guy stated as if it were the most obvious thing in the world, and for all he knew maybe it was. "If the tables were turned I know for a fact that you'd happily share my hurt with me, because you have . Why don't let others do the same for you?"
Ah. It seemed that it was as obvious as Guy made it sound and Kakashi suddenly felt extremely stupid for his methods of dealing with what had happened. His friends loved him and only wanted to share his pain to help him feel better and he'd once again shunned them for it, ignorantly believing that they would judge him despite the fact that they'd already known and hadn't . He didn't deserve them.
"If you want to talk some more," Guy continued, his tone careful, "I promise to keep my mouth closed and only speak when asked. You were doing well and I didn't mean to ruin it."
Kakashi laughed, the sound sharp and empty. "Yeah, I kind of already spilled the main plot of it, so what's the point?"
Guy's smile was tender. "To clear your lungs out fully so that the smog it's left behind can be cleared out and replaced by fresh air again." It was corny, so fucking corny, but it was such a Guy thing to say and it got the point across and restored Kakashi's initial determination to talk this out with his rival, his best friend.
He nodded, pulling his arms and legs into the hoodie so that only his head was exposed. It was like a cocoon, safe and warm and smelling of someone he trusted deeply and he used it to ground himself and take steady breaths. Friends are there to fill the holes that you can't heal yourself.
There weren't any I think I'm ready' s when he started this time. This time he truly was .
Kakashi was nineteen years smart when he learned how to share his hurt.