Falling Far From The Tree

by Drama-Duchess

Evan has settled on taking his own life. This time, he vowed to succeed. He makes another attempt at suicide, except this time, Connor finds him and intercepts. It all began with the letter Evan wrote to himself, which Connor happened to have accidentally read in its entirety. Connor sets off on a mission to save Evan, and inadvertently, he also ends up saving himself.

Author's Note: After reading Dear Evan Hansen: The Novel and watching the musical, I was inspired to write this fic. DEH has left such a strong impression on us because it's a realistic, raw, and honest story of how flawed humans can be. We are moved to tears and touched by the words and the songs, because they are relatable. We realize how we've all been there at some point in our lives. There is bit of Evan in all of us. So, thank you Evan Hansen- for reminding us that we're not alone.

I've made references from all three vessels of DEH: the novel, the staged musical, and the movie. I've also weaved in some DEH song lyrics into the story. In terms of character appearance, mine is based on the movie - Ben as Evan, Colton as Connor (but with longer hair).

This fic explores the true camaraderie that could've been between Evan and Connor. This is not slash, just pure and unadulterated friendship….along with some whumpage.

Thank you for allowing me to get this out of my system and putting it down in writing. Thank you for reading.

Title: Falling Far From The Tree

Chapter 1: Did I Even Make a Sound?

"Hey, that's mine!" Evan Hansen exclaimed as he unceremoniously snatched the piece of paper from Connor Murphy's hands. He was determined to get that letter back, even if it meant confronting a thug like Connor.

Connor had undeservingly earned the reputation as being a delinquent and an all-around bad seed. Nobody wanted anything to do with Connor and everyone steered out of his way. Hallway rumors and lunchroom gossip swirled, and it was believed that Connor was a drug addict thrown into rehab to get straightened out. Students and faculty alike whispered behind his back and avoided him like the plague. No one cared enough to give him the benefit of the doubt and find out the truth. They all assumed he was bad before he even had a chance to explain. In the end, no one knew what to do with Connor Murphy, so they left him alone. At some point, Connor decided it was easier to feed his tainted reputation instead of justifying himself, since he was already condemned by everyone.

Connor and Evan were in the same grade, but Connor was so much bigger, taller, stronger, and more explosive. At that moment, Evan didn't care if Connor would beat him to a pulp right there in the computer lab. As the saying goes, "out from the dragon's jaws and into the fire." He had to get that letter back no matter what. No one could know his deepest, darkest thoughts. He wasn't sure what he was going to do with that letter, maybe shred it to bits to get rid of the evidence.

With the paper back in his possession, Evan stood there awkwardly staring at the floor for a moment, not sure if he wanted to bolt or give an invitation to get beaten to death. He half expected a fist to rise up and land right in his face. He braced himself for the impact, but it never came. He darted his eyes nervously up at Connor without maintaining steady eye contact. To his surprise, the scowl that was initially on Connor's face was replaced with an inquisitive stare. Cool dark eyes semi-hidden in between strands of hair were locked on Evan's otherwise pale face. When their eyes connected for that brief second, it was like as if they spoke volumes without saying a single word. There was an unusual kind of mutual empathy in their eyes that both boys saw in each other, but neither could understand.

This was probably a good time as any to turn and walk away quickly. Fight or flight. For Evan Hansen, it had always been the latter. He shifted his backpack, turned his heels, and hastily walked out of the computer lab with that piece of paper in his hand. Connor wanted to say "Hey, wait." But stopped himself because what would he say afterwards? There was nothing he could think of that would be a subject of conversation. So, he just stood there and watched Evan make a beeline for the door.

Evan's hands became sweaty again just thinking about what happened. He wondered just how much of the letter had Connor read. It worried him that someone might know what he had in mind. On the one hand, he knew Connor had no known friends around school, so even if he had read the whole letter, there wouldn't be anyone for him to tell. And even if he had, no one would believe him anyway. He's just not credible. Evan kept telling himself that. He hurried out of the computer lab without looking back. He just needed to get away. Besides, he was already late for physics class.

Connor Murphy read that letter – the whole letter. It puzzled him that Evan was writing letters to himself. He had to admit that was a little weird. Perhaps it was some free-form way of expression nowadays to write letters to yourself, kinda like a "Dear Diary", but more personal. It was a vessel to sort out feelings and Connor didn't entirely dismiss it as stupid. There was something very profound and unhinged about those words Evan wrote – especially the bit about "wishing anything I said mattered to anyone," and if "anyone would notice if I just disappeared tomorrow." It was a coincidence, a chance happening, an occurrence that ensued by accident but had some sort of connection. Connor never imagined anyone could even remotely begin to understand how he felt. He'd been on a downward spiral for a long time and the last few days were when things really hit rock bottom. In fact, he woke up determined this was going to be the last day he was ever going to feel that way. Until that letter.

Stepping out of the computer lab, Connor scanned the hallway in search of Evan. He spotted the navy backpack and slightly curly head weaving in and out of view as the hallway swarmed with students. His eyes caught a glimpse of the stark white cast on the boy's arm, which he had carelessly signed earlier. He followed Evan squirreling along to find his classroom. The more he stared at that cast, the more suspicious it became. Connor thought about the letter and then the cast, and he drew conclusions.

Connor had toyed around for the idea of suicide on many occasions as a way out, as an answer to a prayer, as a solution to a miserable life, as a big middle finger up at the world that screwed him over. He had sat around for hours contemplating and planning the best way to die. He was so happy when he finally settled on where, when, and how. Although he made solid plans and had no intention of chickening out at the last minute, he honestly had to say he never made a prior actual attempt, save a few experimental self-inflicted wounds on his wrist with a lighter. But that wasn't as extreme as a full-on attempt. And he definitely hadn't considered writing a suicide note yet. This was where Evan surpassed him. Upon seeing that cast and the letter, Connor realized perhaps there was someone who needed to be saved more so than himself. With a newfound uncertainty, he reached into one of the cargo pockets of his parka and felt its contents.

Evan sat in physics class consumed with thoughts, but the last thing on his mind were the laws and applications of motion, forces, and gravity. Keeping his head down, he pretended to be feverishly taking notes, when all he was really doing was doodling nonsense into his notebook. It wasn't like anyone noticed him anyway. The next two classes were of the same nature – monotonous and uneventful. He went through the usual procedures as with any first day of school, which included the task of explaining to each teacher to address him by his middle name and not by his first name that's on the official record. Because everyone knew him as Evan, not Mark. They would make a note of it on the attendance folders, and all would be set.

He had folded up the letter and tucked it safely into his backpack. Out of sight, but not out of mind. Part of him was shocked those words came from his fingertips. But another part of him was pretty damn sure that was how he felt – he'd never been so honest and sure in all of his entire 17 years of life. It wasn't just a random moment of anger, this was exactly what he felt every day and it didn't get better.

For many students, lunch period was the most exciting part of the day. But for Evan, it was the longest 45 minutes of his life. He couldn't wait for it to be over. At least in classes, there were distractions and no need for interactions with anyone. You sat there in your silence and basically waited for the bell to ring. Lunch period was a whole other ball game. Socializing was a bit of a requirement and Evan dreaded socializing. His mother kept telling himself he needed to be more outgoing, approachable, and put himself out there. That was not the Evan he could be, because the Evan he knew suffered from anxiety, excessive worrying, fears of impending doom, and an overwhelming sense of self-consciousness.

When Evan walked through the double doors of the cafeteria, he was bombarded with the sounds of laughter and conversation. A blast of warm air over the tangy aroma of stewing pasta sauce permeated from the lunch line. The cafeteria was teeming with teenaged activity. Students flagged each other down and grouped towards tables filled with friends. He took in the secret handshakes, the amicable slaps on the back, the silliness of being among friends, and even the way they hung onto each other's trivial words. It seemed like everyone belonged somewhere, except Evan. He tried to ask Jared if he could sit with him during lunch, but Jared just gave him a you've-got-to-be-kidding-me look and walked away. So, Evan had to resort to sitting alone at the same table he did for the last three years. It was a table at the far end of the room reserved for losers like him.

Connor stood leaning against the wall at the opposite corner of the cafeteria. He favored this spot because it was the one vantage point that allowed him an unobstructed view of the entire room. No one bothered him or even knew he was there. This was his corner, and no one could take that away from him. It was fun to watch the menial herd of mindless sheep buzzing around poisoning each other with gossip. But today, his attention was on only one person. As he took a bite out of an apple, he watched Evan open his paper bag and eat his Sunbutter and jelly sandwich in solitude.

Evan's overall posture was slouched forward suggesting a withdrawn and reclusive nature that screamed insecurity. His nervous eyes darted around every so often, but never making any permanent eye contact with anyone. Finally, his gaze settled onto the sandwich bag containing carrot sticks in front of him. He stared at it but his thoughts were clearly somewhere else. There was a sadness that loomed over the boy, a sadness that Connor understood too well. He remembered the horror-filled look on Evan's face when he grabbed the letter out of his hand. The aggressiveness did not match the reserved body language he displayed now. The only reason he could have for acting like that was protecting some dire secret he didn't want anyone to know. Connor couldn't shake the eerie feeling that something dreadful was going to happen. He couldn't be sure of any other details, but he sensed a strong tension.

"Be careful of the quiet ones," people used to say. "Because they are the most observant and they are the collectors of secrets." Connor was one of those quiet ones people referred to. He was a fly on the wall. He's heard things, seen things, and knew things around school that perhaps no one else did. He was neither a snitch nor a gossip, so he often kept the plethora of information to himself. Connor gave people a lot of reasons to fear mainly because they created an image of Connor for themselves birthed from rumors. Some of them believed he abused all kinds of drugs, some believed he just got out of juvenile detention for assaulting a teacher, some believed he vandalized school property, some believed he stole a car, and some even believed he got arrested for starting a fistfight. So far from the truth, Connor had stopped defending himself a long time ago.

He questioned himself if this thing with Evan was one thing he shouldn't keep to himself. It was easy to just be ignorant and leave it alone. Maybe things have a way of sorting itself out. It wasn't like this kid was his friend or anything. But he couldn't forget the look of complete emptiness in Evan's eyes – a look that mirrored himself. They may have been strangers, but the fight was the same. He can't do nothing this time. Though, who would he tell? Who would listen? More importantly, who would believe him? No, it wouldn't work. He decided he had to somehow deal with this his own way. There was no turning back.

Connor spotted Evan again in the hallway at the end of the day. He trailed him but kept a good distance. Evan was at his locker when a commotion ensued. Johnny Bronson, the school's most decorated basketball player, had accused Evan of stealing amorous stares at his girlfriend. Betty Mayfield happened to be standing 11 lockers away from Evan, but Evan was not looking at her. He was reading a school poster on the wall behind her announcing "Jazz Band Performs Next Thursday at 4 pm in the Music Hall! Join Us!" Johnny pushed Evan against a locker, not even caring that the boy was sporting a cast on his arm. Evan tried to deny and explain, but no real sentences came out of his mouth. This caught a few glances from kids passing in the hallway. They heard Johnny reprimand Evan that if he so much as look at Betty again, he'd break his other arm.

Watching this unfold made Connor angry. Connor had to admit that he wasn't exactly a saint either. He, too, had shoved Evan earlier that day, but that was before he read the letter. It was unlike his true character to treat people that way. He was just so caught up in the anger and self-hatred that he blocked out everything else. He didn't mean to take it out on anyone. Evan was an easy target because he was there. And Evan wasn't the type that would fight back. Guilty and full of resentment, Connor wanted to make things right with Evan. He felt it was the least he could do. But right then, what he wanted most was to beat Johnny to the ground. But before he could step in, Evan bolted down the hall right past Connor, and out the exit door. Were there tears in his eyes?

He chose to follow Evan. There would be time to deal with Johnny later. Connor hurried through the same exit door after Evan. Just when he thought he'd lost sight of Evan, he found him seated by himself on the bleachers in the football field. He had his back facing Connor, seeming preoccupied and oblivious to anyone around him. Connor stayed close enough to see what Evan was doing, but not close enough to be noticed. There, he saw Evan staring down at that same white piece of paper from the computer lab.

Evan read and re-read the letter he wrote to himself. With each read, it made more and more sense. Nothing was ever going to change. His life had been on a decline for years. Every time when he thought he might have a slightly decent day, things happen and he's right back where he started. He never felt so alone and dark. The worst part was that no one cared. He tried to reach out plenty of times, but no one heard him – always on the outside looking in. He was so tired of waiting for an answer to appear. Everyone treated him like as if he was a waste of space. Would anyone truly have noticed if he disappeared?

Anger consumed Evan and his eyes burned as hot tears streamed down his face. The words on the paper blurred and he couldn't look at it anymore. When Dr. Sherman first gave him this assignment, he didn't take it very seriously. A letter to yourself? Come on, that was stupid, right? Dr. Sherman said it was supposed to promote optimism, give purpose, and encourage confidence. Giving yourself a pep talk and see the glass as half full. "Just be honest," he said. Evan was honest this time and all it did was make him more miserable. The words were cutting through him like a knife. It was the truth, but the truth hurt. He just wanted the pain to go away. He wanted it all to stop. No, this was not a letter he was going to show Dr. Sherman. Dr. Sherman expected to see positive improvements, being in the right direction, all rainbows and sunshine. This letter was not that. It was the complete opposite. In desperation, he closed his right fist tightly around the middle of the paper and pressed it to his forehead. The pain in his heart was excruciating. His chin shook and he let the flood gates open. The tears were uncontrollable.

It was evident to Connor that Evan was crying quite heavily. Connor couldn't hear the sobs, but he could tell Even was inconsolable. He watched Evan's shoulders rack as he choked on sobs. It was more than some frivolous crying episode that one gets over in a few minutes and all would be right again. Something told Connor that this was not going to be alright. This was potentially rock bottom for Evan. It was a very dangerous place to be in. Connor had been there so many times. Evan was a ticking time bomb, just needing a reason, a trigger to go off. If someone didn't do something to diffuse the situation soon, something bad was going to happen – and Connor knew it. Connor observed Evan burying his face into that half-crumpled letter. It was truly heartbreaking to see Evan falling into such despair. Connor thought about going over there, but he couldn't think of how he should approach him. How do you just come right out to practically a stranger and tell him you just get it?

Connor had no idea what he was going to say, but he decided he had to do something. He was going to walk right up to Evan and start off by saying "Hi". That had always been a good conversation opener. Anything that after that was as good a guess as any. He took a deep breath and was about to go when his attention was briefly distracted by a group of three students at the end of the alley talking and laughing loudly amongst themselves. When he turned back to the bleachers, he noticed Evan was gone. Damn! It was only a few seconds at most. Connor ran up the bleachers two steps at a time. He glanced left and right, and gave a 360 turn. Where could Evan have gone? Just then, he caught a glimpse of a curly head and a navy backpack on a striped polo leaving the school grounds. He hurried after Evan.

One thing was for sure, Evan was a slippery fellow. Connor caught sight of that backpack again and followed him for a number of blocks. It was evident that no one came to pick him up and he walked right passed the bus stop. So, Connor figured maybe he was walking home, but that seemed unlikely because eventually he walked further and further away from the residential area. Evan soon made a turn and headed towards Ellison State Park, which was odd. Why was Evan going into the woods? Connor had an eerie feeling, the kind that made his hair stand on end. It gave him an even bigger incentive to keep an eye on Evan.

Evan walked through the entrance sign that he helped restore that past summer. He was so proud of it and thought everyone would be too, especially his dad. But he was wrong. He looked at it in disgust before taking the trail to a spot he knew well. He followed the main trail, then climbed over a log barrier and hiked down a narrow path beyond the trees and out into a small clearing. It was a nice, secluded spot he found early on in his job as apprentice park ranger. It was a ledge that opened up to the entire view of the south basin complete with treetops of a medley of maple, oak, and birch. It was a most stunning view and when you look up, all you see is sky. But at your feet, it was a long drop down.

Wide-eyed, Connor watched Evan take off his backpack and climb atop a huge flat boulder. Even with the cast on his arm, he made it look effortless, like he'd done it a dozen times before. Just seeing Evan stand boldly up there so high above, holding his life in his hands, brought on a flood of emotions. It was easy to be the one who was so angry and eager to die. You're so caught up in your moment of passion that you don't think about what's going on in the head of the one who might actually be witnessing your final act. When you're watching someone wanting so much to take that step off the ledge, you get hit with so much empathy, sadness, despair, lost, and forsakenness – both for that person and for yourself. You suddenly understand things that you hadn't before. Connor was the angry person, but after seeing Evan, perhaps he shouldn't be. For the first time, Connor had doubts about suicide. Maybe suicide didn't solve anything at all. All he ever wanted was someone to care. It wasn't too much to ask out of life. There, on that boulder, was a person who seemed to be more broken than him. He promised himself that he needed to help Evan, just like he wished someone would help him.

Fearing Evan was about to do the unthinkable, Connor prematurely stepped out from his hiding place. He needed to do whatever it took to stop Evan. But then Evan lowered himself down to a seated position. He hugged his knees and just gazed out into the distance, taking in the view. Relieved, Connor wanted to return to his hiding place behind the tree, but a snap of a twig betrayed him. The noise brought Evan out of his concentration. He turned his head to find Connor looking right at him. There was definitely no going back now.

"W-what are you doing here? What do you want?" Evan said startled. He didn't believe anyone else had discovered this place. It was off the main trail and through the woods. No one would've ventured this far off the path. It was supposed to be his, and his only. It was a place where he felt safe and in control. So naturally, he was shocked to see Connor, of all people, standing there.

"Er…well… this happens to be my spot." Connor stammered. This was the best excuse he could come up with at spur of the moment. He tried to maintain a degree of toughness, yet not making it obvious that he'd been lurking in the shadows following Evan all day. He dug his hands into the pockets of his parka.

Evan slid off the boulder and came face to face with Connor. Evan's slightly pink and puffy eyes gave away the fact that he'd been crying excessively. His eyes darted nervously at Connor then he grabbed his backpack off the ground and slung one strap over a shoulder.

"S-sorry. Then I'll leave." Evan said sheepishly. He lowered his eyes and started walking away.

It was a rather unexpected response from Evan. Connor thought he would at least challenge him a little for the favorite spot. He didn't understand why he would admit defeat even before a debate ensued. And why was he apologizing? Connor noticed there was something very sad in Evan's eyes, perhaps devoid of hope (or will for that matter).

"Wait!" Connor exclaimed. He had to keep going. He watched Evan turn around. "You don't have to leave. I don't know, maybe we can share the spot."

"Share?" Evan said in a confused tone, not understanding why Connor would want him to hang around.

"Yea. It's a free country after all. Belongs to you as much as it belongs to me." Connor shrugged, seeming indifferent. "Wanna sit?" He nodded towards the boulder.

Evan hesitated for a moment, then decided to accept Connor's invitation. He wasn't sure why he just didn't continue walking and never look back. When people didn't want him around, he would just go away. Go away and disappear. It was the norm for him. Habit was comforting. To be honest, he didn't really know Connor all that well, in fact no one probably did. And yet, here he was. There was something reckless and dangerous about Connor's character, yet sometimes, he didn't seem all that tough. If Evan could see passed the long hair, black nail polish, leather bracelets, combat boots, and wearing too many layers of clothing necessary, there was a strange innocence about Connor that almost seemed civil.

Evan and Connor sat on the boulder side by side, in silence, staring out into the broad horizon with the afternoon sun beaming upon their faces. Each heavy with their own thoughts, they remained in silence for the next 15 minutes – just taking in the picture-perfect view. Connor figured Evan wouldn't be the one to start a conversation, so if anyone were to start one, it would have to be him.

"You can see for forever here." Connor said.

"On a perfect day, you can see all the way to Irondequoit Bay." Evan pointed out.

"Is that so?" Connor replied.

"I-I worked here over the summer." Evan explained.

"Oh, I didn't know that." Connor said, hoping to keep Evan talking.

"Apprentice Park Ranger." Evan admitted. "Pretty lame, huh?" Everyone else thought so, so why would Connor think differently. He kept his head facing forward as he spoke.

"I don't think its lame. Sometimes, I feel like being around nature is better than being around humans." Connor said frankly. "Trees are less likely to be assholes than people." His attempt at joke did not go flat. He heard a soft chuckle from Evan. It was the ice breaker.

"You said this is your favorite spot, but I'm pretty sure I never saw you around here. And I come here a lot." Evan inquired.

"That's because I was away this summer." Connor said. It wasn't a lie. He was away, but not by choice. His summer was spent in a rehab facility for drug addicts and other troubled teens. His parents were misled into believing he needed to be straightened out. And they felt the only place for that was an expensive rehab. The worst part was that he didn't belong in rehab in the first place.

"Oh." Evan said quietly. And the silence returned. There was no conversation for the next 5 minutes.

Connor cleared his throat. "I just wanted to apologize for shoving you earlier today. I hope I didn't hurt you too badly. I saw you fell. I didn't mean to do that."

"No, no, that was totally my fault. I'm sorry." Evan said. He wasn't sure if any of it was really his fault, but nonetheless, he was still sorry.

"You don't have to apologize all the time, especially when you didn't do anything wrong." Connor said. "I was very out of line. I've been going through some really nasty stuff lately. Still, it's no excuse. I shouldn't have taken it out on you. I'm sorry."

"It's ok." Evan replied. He forgave because there was nothing else could do.

"Sometimes, life just sucks, and you don't know how to get your groove back. You know, when the shit hits the fan, it really spreads." Connor offered, trying to keep the discussion going.

"Don't I know it." Evan mumbled, barely audible. Life didn't just suck now. It has sucked for years. Maybe even since the day he was born, but definitely since that day the truck came. He would never forget that dusty U-Haul truck in the driveway, then his dad piling all his stuff in it, then dad leaving in that same truck. He just hadn't come to a realization of how much life sucked until now. He sighed despondently and hugged his knees tighter.

"Tapping on the glass." Connor stated, after a short pause.

"What?" Evan asked.

"Tapping on the glass. It always feels like I'm trapped in a glass box. No matter how loud I scream, no matter how much I pound my fists on that glass, nobody hears or sees me. I do everything I can to get someone's attention, but they don't notice, they just keep passing by like I don't even exist, like I'm fucking invisible." Connor said. Saying this must've hit a nerve because he suddenly had Evan's attention. Evan was looking straight at Connor, perhaps waiting for more. "Eventually, I'm convinced that I am invisible and unimportant, that no one gives a fuck whether I'm dead or alive. The idea is set into my brain thinking that it's all true – that I'm a freak, I'm a loser, I'm not relevant. Then I start thinking - what's the point anyway? It's like a cancer, a parasite that feeds off my depression. No one knows the awful pain I carry with me each day, pulling me down. It gets heavier and heavier, almost too much to bear." He continued bitterly, without revealing too much on his previous personal agenda.

Evan detected raw honesty in Connor's tone. He wasn't full of bullshit like some people. Connor made sense. It was so weird. He and Connor were as good as strangers around school. The first time they even shared a conversation was in the hallway where Connor blew up at him, resulting in Evan being roughly shoved to the floor. Connor was the last person he would expect to be sitting here talking to him. This wasn't just a random hissy-fit vent about a day gone badly. It was expressing a true residual sense of abandonment from society as a whole. Evan turned his head towards the grand view of the valley and closed his eyes. He drew in a breath of air.

"The air gets so thin in that glass box that it suffocates you. And-and you wish so badly there was something that you can do to take all that pain and emptiness away, so you'll never have to feel it or anything again." Evan said steadily with peculiar calmness. His eyes suddenly shot open because he realized he'd been thinking out loud. He didn't mean to actually say it, but it just came out. "Er, I mean, you know, just that you want-want the bad stuff to go away so you can concentrate on the future." Evan failed miserably to compensate for his faux pas. His face reddened and he refused to make any sort of eye contact with Connor.

"Sure." Connor said and smiled. He felt there was a breakthrough. Getting Evan to say something more than a few words earlier was like pulling teeth. If he was able to bare even a small portion of his soul, it showed that there was a flicker of hope. A part of Evan wanted to be saved. Connor couldn't ask for better progress. "Yea, not that far down the rabbit hole yet, huh?" Connor added.

"No." Evan said too quickly. "No, not at all." He recovered with less crack in his voice.

"I think somewhere down the line we get our wires crossed and start believing we are the problem. We ask ourselves: where did we go wrong? But maybe it's not us, maybe it's them. We're not the problem, they are. People are cold and cruel." He softened his tone.

"Ever feel like you could be, you know, free?" Evan asked after a moment's thought.

"Yea, sometimes." Connor tread carefully. He knew exactly what Evan meant. "You?"

"Me? Yea, I guess." Evan lied. In fact, he'd wanted and needed to be free so bad. He decided a long time ago that there was only one way he'd ever be free. He stared at his shoelaces.

"It's ok to want relief. That's not so far-fetched. We all want that." Connor said truthfully.

"They say 'step out of the sun if you keep getting burned.' I feel like even though I'm not in the sun, I'm still getting burned." Evan's voice was small and fragile.

"Maybe that's because the pain goes deeper, like a lot deeper." Connor answered.

"Doesn't get better, does it? Only gets worse until you explode." Evan murmured, eyes never leaving his shoelaces.

"I suppose. But, hey, if we talk about it, maybe it'll help lessen the load." Connor offered wholeheartedly. "Just talk….and take in the view." He gazed at the treetops and watched a bird fly into the horizon.

"Yea, that's all we can do." Evan laughed softly. The short laugh surprised Connor in a positive way. A connection was made. Connor finally figured out how to get Evan out of his shell. It was nature! Evan had a soft spot for nature. Each time nature was referred to, he seemed to perk up.

Evan found comfort in nature because it was something he could relate to. Nature is a balance. There are endless aspects of nature that is stunningly beautiful and with that, there are also many facets of nature that is considered imperfect and perhaps even ugly. On the surface, it was easy to appreciate and be attracted to the beautiful features and shun the unappealing ones. But if people just invest some time in the unattractive characteristics and gave it a chance, they might see the beauty in the uniqueness of each imperfection. Working the summer at Ellison State Park could not have been a more perfect fitting.

"My family and I used to go to this apple orchard when I was a kid. I think it's closed down now, but they had the best apples. My sister and I used to look for four-leaf clovers in the meadow. Didn't find any. But I remember lying in the field surrounded by trees, looking up at the sky, and thinking how wonderful things were. The world stood still, and life was good." Connor shared. Evan was hanging to his every word.

"It must've been nice – to have a family like that." Evan said.

"Well, that was a long time ago – before everything went bad. Before things got complicated." Connor stopped right there. He wasn't ready to tell anyone his history.

"But wouldn't you like to go back to that time? You know, when-when everything was okay?" Evan said.

"I think my chance has long gone. There are things that can't be undone." Connor thought about his hard experiences in rehab. He didn't know if he could forgive his parents for throwing him into the lion's den. No one understood the things he had to go through.

"Having your whole family in one house. I don't know, maybe there's still hope." Evan tried to be helpful. The melancholy in his voice told a different story. Any hope for family unity was gone for Evan. There were just too many years spent alone, waiting for someone to care or just hoping someone would know he existed. There was a time when he was everything to his dad. But now, he was living his new life with his new family in Colorado. He could care less what his son from his first marriage was doing. Evan's mom was always busy. Her job, her long hours, her ever changing shifts, and her Sunday night classes all have taken priority. Evan knew she was trying to provide and be the best mom she could be, even if it meant leaving Evan to fend for himself. She makes an effort to be supportive, caring, and fun in her own quirky way quoting horoscopes and band lyrics. But Evan needed more than that. He sorely wished to fit in somewhere and appreciated. So, in a way, he knew how Connor felt.

"Hope?" Connor laughed. "Well….who knows." He shrugged after thinking about it.

Another pause in conversation.

"Platanus occidentalis." Evan broke the silence. "Oh, it's the scientific name for the American sycamore. It's the species of trees that would be indigenous to the orchard you frequented."

"You know a lot about trees." Connor commented.

"Yea, my forest expertise. It kinda came with the job." Evan said humorously. The conversation seemed to lighten and Connor grinned.

Impressed, Connor thought to himself how he had totally underestimated Evan Hansen. Evan may be awkward and a bit nervy, but he was actually alright. They could even be friends. He found himself staring at the cast on Evan's arm - that very cast with the letters "CONNOR" scribbled in big block letters across it.

"So, how did you break your arm?" Connor asked.

"I-I-I fell out of a tree." Evan stammered. He tried to sound as convincing as he possibly could. He suddenly felt his hands getting clammy.

"That's irony for you. What were you doing climbing a tree? You don't strike me as someone who climbs trees for fun." Connor said.

"I dunno. I just wanted to see how high I can go until the entire sun shines on my face. Then the branch gave way and I fell." Evan said quickly, growing nervous.

"I bet that's what you tell everyone." Connor said surely.

"I-I don't know what you mean. But it's true, I did climb a tree and fell from a tree."

"Oh, I don't doubt that part. I'm talking about how you fell from that tree. The branch didn't give way like you said." Connor spoke firmly. He had no intention of hurting Evan or belittling him because of his dark deed. If anything, he wanted Evan to know they were on the same wavelength, that he understood, that there was someone here who felt exactly the same way he felt about life. And that maybe they could help each other. He wanted Evan to know that somebody knew.

"W-what? What are you saying?" Evan's face caved in as the words burned in his ears. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. He hadn't told anyone the truth about the tree incident. How did Connor know?

"I don't have to spell it out."

"No, you've got it all wrong." Evan's face was etched in both anxiety and terror. "Totally wrong. You think I-I-I…that I would…" He stuttered. His hands started sweating and he could feel panic rising. "S-sorry, but I-I gotta go. I just gotta go." He swung his legs around and slid off the boulder. When he got into situations like this, the first thing he had to do was leave. The action caught Connor by surprise.

"Wait! Wait!" Connor called after Evan, who by then had collected his backpack and was walking away. "Wait a minute. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you. I just wanted to let you know it's okay. Please come back." Connor pleaded realizing maybe he rushed things too quickly. But watching Evan's reticent behavior and quick to denial confirmed to Connor that Evan really did intend to die from that attempt, which only left him with a broken arm. Connor got up and followed Evan.

"I can't. I can't. I-you don't understand. I gotta go." Evan interjected. He gathered his backpack and quickened his pace up the narrow path, leaving Connor behind.

"Hey, I'm sorry!" Connor begged, hoping Evan would reconsider. It was not how Connor wanted to leave things. His goal was to maybe give Evan a little glimmer of hope. But the way things turned out, it didn't seem like he had accomplished much.

By the time Connor made it up to the main trail, Evan was gone. He was alone. Both directions, the trail was devoid of any hikers, joggers or people on late afternoon walks. He stared at the long winding road, reached a hand into his coat pocket, and closed his palm around its contents.

Evan pounded the pavement as he headed home. Emotions were on overload in his brain and was spinning out of control. To start, he walked away because he was scared. It frightened him that anyone would be suspicious of how he really broke his arm. He figured telling anyone who asked, that he just innocently fell out of a tree (a mishap on the job), people would believe it and it would be the end of that discussion. If anyone at school actually found out the truth, it would be reported, and then all hell would break loose – hounded by counselors, psychiatrists, therapists, you name it – all stepping on egg shells, watching him with a careful eye, afraid he might try it again. He would get disgusted stares from everyone at school and get labelled with all sorts of names like as if he carried a razor blade around with him everywhere he went just waiting for a chance to slit his wrists. Besides, who's to say he wouldn't do just that.

He was depressed. The depression grew deeper than it ever had since that day he climbed the tree. Tears rolled down his cheeks in steady streams as he walked. He brushed them away as fast as he could. He felt the world caving in on him. Things were all wrong. The letter started it all. A letter that was supposed to help sort out his feelings and boost his confidence turned out to be a disaster. It didn't do anything at all, except make things worse for him. He wished so much to go back in time and delete what he wrote. No one was supposed to read it. It was for his eyes only. He never thought it would fall into Connor's hands. What was Connor doing in the computer lab anyway? It's really not a place you'd find Connor Murphy.

He was angry, but mostly at himself. He screwed things up yet again. This was the reason he had no friends and why people stayed away from him. He was convinced that there was something seriously wrong with himself. For once in his entire life, he could've made a friend. But he just pushed him away. Connor Murphy was not someone people talked to by choice. In the short period of time that Evan talked to Connor, he felt an odd connection, like as if they were two lost souls just drifting in the world. One thing that Evan did realize was that Connor had been highly misunderstood by everyone. He really wasn't the thug that everyone thought he was. Connor was actually quite approachable, nice, human, and most of all, down to earth. And he respected nature. It really was nice to have had a real conversation with someone. But he messed things up and now Connor was never going to talk to him again.

When he walked into his empty house, Evan went straight to his room and decided to create an excuse for his mom for missing the therapy session with Dr. Sherman that afternoon. He decided the best reason was that he didn't feel well and needed to go home and lie down. So, he got out his phone and texted his mom.

End of Chapter 1