"Have you heard the news?"
"Uh?" murmured Remus, finally managing to get Teddy's leg out of the onesie.
"Fleur and Bill are expecting a baby." said Tonks putting a finger in the water to check the temperature"I couldn't tell you who was more excited about it. This was the first time in months I saw Molly and Arthur smile." she went on hugging Remus from behind smiling at the baby who had grasped the sleeve of the onesie and was clenching it firmly in his small fist.
"Love..." called Remus seeing Teddy's hair turning green.
"Yes?" asked she innocently, winking at the baby.
His eyes turning blue as well as his hair, Ted squealed excitedly, kicking his legs and making it impossible for Remus to prepare him for the bath. "It's complicated enough without you distracting him."
"Are you telling me you were able to manage 25 teenagers in a room but" Tonks replied cheerfully "you are not able to get your son out of a onesie?"
"The problem is not my son. " Remus replied turning just in time to see her hair turning purple, Teddy's mirroring hers "It is his mother. She..." a sound coming from the other room cut him short. "Did you close the window?" he asked thinking the wind had made something fall on the floor.
"Yes." Tonks replied frowning.
His hand checked the wand in his pocket "Stay with him." he said leaving the room.
A gust of cold wind invested him while walking downstairs. It was strange, Remus thought shivering, it had been quite a hot day, but it explained the sound they had heard. They had probably just forgotten to close the window in the living room. Remus took a deep breath trying to relax his tensed nerves. Bellatrix's threat to destroy all those who had disgraced her family name had kept him awake for too many nights. They were certain the Death Eaters would act soon. But the fact that they did not know when, where... was wearing their nerves more than a battle. With the wand in his hand, he entered the living room and turned on the light. The sound repeated, a dull thud, then suddenly the light went off.
"He is here!" Lee Jordan cried waving his hand
"Don't move him." Kingsley tried to reach him as quickly as possible without letting his eyes linger too long on what was surrounding them. There had been so many deaths, too many. "Lupin!" he called kneeling at his side to feel his wrist. He sighed reassured feeling his feeble pulse "Lupin, can you hear me? Remus wake up!"
That sound, that voice... Remus couldn't understand what was happening. He didn't know where he was, or what had happened. His head hurting so much it felt as if it was about to split in half. He tried to move and realized he couldn't feel his legs. Every single muscle and bone of his body was hurting. He could feel the scent of blood, the taste of it in his mouth. Every breath was more and more exhausting and he was so tired. All he wanted was for the pain to end. Then the image of Tonks and Ted smiling at him, the feeling of his son's small hand holding his finger crossed his mind. The thought something had happened to them cut deep inside of him making him collect all his strength "Dora." His hand suddenly grasped Kingsley's jacket making him startle. "She is upstairs." he said before fainting again.
"Help me." Kingsley sighed standing and gesturing to Lee Jordan who had continued to search that side of the park to come to him.
"How is he?" asked the guy "Do you think he's gonna..."
"He is gonna live." replied Kingsley refusing even to think Lupin could die too. "Carry him in the Hall, Madame Pomfrey would take care of him. Did you find Tonks?"
"No." Lee shook his head "Where are you going?"
"I have to find her. I promised Remus."
If that was the afterlife it wasn't so bad, thought Remus groaning. It was warm, the sun was shining upon his face, and there was a sweet scent of flowers. He stretched his legs, a smile played on his lips, he could feel them again. He rotated a foot and then the other just to check he hadn't only imagined them. His head and his muscles weren't hurting anymore. He turned on his side slowly opening his eyes. The midday sun blurred his vision for a moment, then he saw a face, a familiar face "Sirius..." he murmured.
"My cousin is long dead."
Remus blinked a couple of times "Andromeda." he said realizing he was lying on a bed at Saint Mungo "I thought I was..." His heart began to race as he realized what being alive meant. The adrenaline began to run in his veins making his finger itch with impatience. He pulled himself slightly up turning his head and looking around "where is Dora?"
"I'm gonna tell them you are awake." she said standing from the chair
"Andromeda..."
"They surely need to check on you"
A strange feeling of cold and fear began to spread from the middle of his chest "Andromeda!" he called seeing the woman turn her back to him and walk towards the door "Andromeda, where is my wife?" he asked again trying to free himself from the sensors the healers had connected to him and stand "Andromeda, answer me!"
The woman stopped, her fists clenched so hard her nails were cutting into her flesh "She is dead." she murmured then turned to face him "She is dead!" Andromeda repeated, hate burning in her eyes "You promised Lupin." she went on angrily stepping next to the bed again "You promised to keep my daughter safe, to protect her. And you let her die!"
Then as if someone had just turned on a switch inside of his mind Remus remembered. He remembered talking with Kingsley in the living room, Tonks reaching them downstairs, Ted in her arms. He remembered the awful fight they had had. How he had tried trying to convince her to stay home with Ted, told her that she couldn't go with them to Hogwarts 'cause it was too dangerous. He remembered kissing them both, promising he would come back home soon.
"She ran to me as soon as you left." Andromeda broke the silence again "She left the baby with me and said she couldn't let you fight alone. That she couldn't stay home waiting without knowing what was happening to you. She disappeared before I could even try to stop her."
Now he remembered seeing Tonks in the courtyard fighting against Yaxley. He remembered how hard he had tried to reach her, how he had lost sight of her in the chaos. Remus looked away, something inside of him breaking, Andromeda's words echoing in his ears, cutting deep in him, scratching him, ripping him from inside, devouring everything until there were only them. A deep, agonizing scream came out of his mouth. In a blind fury, he threw the pillow and the sheet across the room, his hand swept everything on the bedside table, he tore the sensors off his arm. Until there was nothing left near him that he could destroy and he let himself fall back again screaming as if he had lost his mind.
The devastated look on his face made the flame of her rage burn higher. He had no right to mourn for her daughter. He had ruined her life. He shouldn't have ever come back. It had been his fault if Dora hadn't been focused, it had been his fault if she hadn't trained if she... Seeing him collect a piece of glass that had fallen on the bed. As if she had read his mind "Don't you dare!" Andromeda slapped him so hard that he dropped that piece of glass. Disgusted by his action, she let all the anger felt in those days prevail over reason. She bent towards him, mad at him, wishing to hurt him, longing to make him suffer, to destroy what little remained of him. How could he be so selfish to think he had the right to take his own life when Dora, who would have fought to live, had to die? "You're gonna live. And I will be there every day of your miserable life remembering you that everyone you have ever loved, your friends, my cousin, my daughter...they all died because you failed." she swore cruelly at him a moment before the door of the room opened.
Andromeda shook her head almost imperceptibly straightening her back and regaining her composure "He woke up right now. I think he is a bit confused and in shock." she said to one of the two nurses that had entered as the other reached the bed where Remus was lying motionless as if petrified.
She closed the door behind her back and turned on the lights. Her eyes met her reflection in the mirror without recognizing the red-eyed woman looking back at her. The bitterness of the words she had told Lupin, the hate in her voice, the sense of satisfaction that doing it had given her...choking her. What had she become? She was no better than her parents or her sister, enjoying torturing someone who had suddenly lost everything...exactly as it had happened to her. For many years Ted had been her entire world. They had given up so many things and fought so long, so hard to gain a brief moment of happiness. But it had been worth it. Nymphadora had been worth it. But now... she lowered her head, leaning against the closet, her chest shaken by silent sobs...
A cooing sound distracted her from her thoughts. She straightened her back, her trembling hands wiping the tears from her face "It's gonna be ok, love. Don't worry." Andromeda murmured forcing a smile on her lips taking the baby from the baby's chair she had put on the floor "Are you hungry, aren't you?" she asked as Teddy's hand grasped her shirt.
A flash of light, a dull sound "Andromeda?"
"I'm in the kitchen." answered the woman taking a jar of homogenized apples from the cupboard.
"My mother made a beef pie." said Charlie putting a bag on the table "She thought you would have loved it."
"And" added Fleur following him in the room "I wanted to spend some time with this beautiful baby. Do you mind if I do it?"
"Not at all." replied Andromeda passing her the baby's spoon.
"You know..." she said watching Fleur sitting in front of Ted, the baby squealing happily at the sight of food. "you don't have to check on me every day. I can manage it."
"We know it." Charlie assured her "But you don't have to do everything on your own. Why don't you accept my parents' offer?"
"No." Andromeda shook her head. The Weasley had had their share of misfortunes. First Bill now Fred's death... "How are you?" she asked gesturing for them to sit down
"We are..." a shadow passed on Charlie's face "we will find a way to go on."
She covered his hand with hers knowing no words could have comforted him. For years Ted and she had asked themselves if there had been something more than a friendship between him and Tonks. He had always been a clever, handsome boy. The kind of man she would have been happy to see at Tonks' side. But things had turned out differently than she had hoped. "Would you have dinner with me?"
"If you don't mind."
"Why don't you go upstairs and take a shower?" suggested Fleur "I'll think about Ted while Charlie set the table."
"I...thank you guys." she said admitting to herself she needed a shower, she needed not to be alone that evening. "By the way..." she said before leaving the room "he woke up."
"Your body is reacting nicely to the cure. " said the healer "You will be able to go back home in two weeks"
"I don't care." replied Lupin in a dull voice thinking he didn't have a home he wanted to return to.
It wasn't the first time a patient had that kind of reaction after a very bad trauma. But he was a very unusual patient "Mr. Lupin" the healer sighed sitting on the bed edge "there will be a full moon in eight days."
"I know." replied him in the same tone, showing no emotion at all.
"You have to eat." the man insisted "Or you won't be strong enough to absorb the Wolfsbane potion."
The active ingredient of the potion needed to be bound with a certain protein to enter the bloodstream, Remus knew it. He knew that if the person taking the potion was deficient in that protein, the potion could have limited or no effect at all. "I don't care."
"Mr. Lupin." the healer cleared his throat "I'm sure you'll understand we can't keep you here if you don't drink the potion."
"Then discharge me."
"We can't do that." the man shook his head shocked by his request "There is the risk you won't survive without our cures."
"I don't care! Stun me and put me in a cage in the basement. Discharge me...I don't care if I'll die, do you understand it?" Remus almost shout at him angrily and frustrated by their insistence "But leave me alone." he added sadly and tiredly turning his back to him "Leave me alone, please."
Hearing the door closing, his steps in the passageway, Remus turned on his back again his eyes staring at the shadows on the ceiling. Andromeda was right. It had been his fault. If only he hadn't failed in convincing James and Lily he would never have been able to betray them, if only he had been able to keep Sirius home that evening they would have been alive now. If only he had been strong enough to resist his feelings for Tonks, he thought clenching the bedsheets in his fists, if he had been strong enough to disappear forever, she would have been probably alive. It had been his fault. His selfish wish to feel loved, to be happy, had caused the death of the only woman he had ever loved. He had lost everything, Andromeda was right, he thought closing his eyes and wishing not to open them again.
"Mrs. Tonks!" exclaimed the healer relieved at the sight of the woman coming out of the lift. "We thought you weren't coming today."
"I..." began to say the woman then frowned "What happened?"
"He refuses to eat. We can force food on him, of course. But it would be better if he ate by himself." replied the man "Perhaps you could convince him..."
"Let it to me." Andromeda cut him short resolutely
"Thank you." said the man gratefully "If you give me the baby, I'll carry him to the nursery."
"He comes with me." she replied, holding Teddy closer to her chest "And..." she went on "I will need you to provide a cot in my son-in-law's room."
"But..." replied the man surprised by her request "Mrs. Tonks this is not the protocol. We can't..."
"Do as I said." Andromeda cut him short in that authoritative voice her mother used to talk with.
"As you wish." the healer nodded understanding contradicting her would have been of no use at all.
"Forgive me." she murmured kissing the baby's forehead for a long moment before walking towards Remus' room, the weight of the decision she had just made oppressing her chest.
"I told you to leave me alone." said brusquely Lupin hearing the door open again "Are you deaf?" he asked rudely hearing the steps approaching "I want you to leave!"
"I don't care what you want me to do."
"Did you come to remind me of my mistakes?" Remus asked recognizing Andromeda's voice. "If so, I can assure you there was no need for you to leave your home."
"I came 'cause I thought you might want to see your son."
At those words, Remus opened his eyes. Andromeda was there, less than a couple of steps away from the bed edge. The sight of Teddy sleeping peacefully in her arms seemed to tear what was left of his heart away from his chest. The wish to hold him in his arm, the awareness Tonks couldn't do it anymore drove him mad. "Why did you bring him here?"
"I told you." the woman replied
"Tell me the truth, Andromeda!" Remus raised his voice fighting back the tears "You were very clear when you said I didn't deserve to be a father."
"But he didn't have the chance to choose his own father, did he?" the woman said back sarcastically. Then before she could add anything the door opened and the healer and a nurse come bringing a cot "Thank you." she said gently, indicating to them where to put the cot.
"What does it mean?" asked Remus confused watching them leave "Andromeda what the hell are you doing?"
"He is your son, Lupin, not mine." said the woman putting the baby in the cot
"Take him." starting to understand what she was planning Remus' voice trembled "Andromeda take him home!"
"No." the woman refused sternly.
"But I don't want him!" he shouted at her, making the baby awake and begin to cry "You can't do it..."
"I already did it." she corrected him
"Shut up! Stop it" Remus yelled at the baby, his crying annoying him "Andromeda, make him stop it!"
"Make him stop it yourself." replied the woman fighting against the instinct to hold the baby
"Andromeda, you can't leave him here!" Remus insisted seeing her leaving "I don't want him! Do you understand me? Take him!"
"Tomorrow I'll bring his things." she replied, ignoring his request "Call the nurse if he wants to eat, she'll bring some milk."
"Why are you doing that to me? I tried to protect her. I would do whatever is needed to bring her back. Everything! But I can't, I can't bring her back!" Remus cried out, letting the tears flow down his cheeks "What do I have to do to get your forgiveness?"
"Take care of your son." replied the woman showing him her back, unable to look at him. His despair was so deep that it seemed one with her own "He needs his father, not me."
"I can't. I can't do it without her." rebated Remus"You can't ask me that!"
"I can't ask you what? To pull yourself together for your son's sake? To be strong enough to live for him?" the woman cut him short turning again "Well then don't do it. The choice is yours. Do you want to die, do it. Starve yourself to death I won't come to save you. But you'll have to do it in front of your son." she said leaving the room.
"Mrs. Tonks..."
"Don't enter." she stopped the nurse before she could open the door. "Ignore it."
"But, Mrs..." the girl replied hearing Lupin shout Andromeda's name and Teddy cry.
What had she done, Andromeda told herself blocking the entrance of the room, her grandson's cry deafening her.
"Andromeda! I know you can hear me." he shout at the door "Take him away! Take him!" getting no answer he stood, determined to reach the door and force the woman to take the baby away, but still feeble after the battle and for having refused to eat, his legs betrayed him after a couple of wobbly steps "Andromeda!" he called trying to stand and falling again. He punched the floor again and again frustrated, letting his tears blur his vision until the room disappeared, cursing the day Tonks had crossed his path. 'cause she had had no right to leave him. She had had no right to die. Then suddenly he became once again aware of the baby's crying. He raised his head and wiped the tears away from his face, dragged himself to the cot, and collecting his strength, holding against the wall he pulled himself up. The sight of his son's red face from the effort of crying at the top of his lungs, his little fists clenched his legs kicking the air angrily made him forget his own pain for a moment. He had spent his life running away from everything, from life itself, but he couldn't run away from that baby. He had never been so afraid in his life as he had felt when Dora had told him she was pregnant. He had never felt so happy as when he had to hold Teddy in his arms for the first time. He wasn't the only one who had been abandoned, Remus realized. She had left him too. So small, so helpless and innocent."It's ok, love. Stop it." he said sweetly taking him and carefully sitting on the floor leaning his back against the wall not trusting his legs to reach the bed "Dad is here." he murmured rocking him "Stop crying, please." he murmured kissing his hair "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean the words I said." he murmured even if Teddy couldn't understand him "I wasn't angry at you, how could I. It's just...it shouldn't have gone like that." he continued talking holding him to his chest, feeling him calming down "I'm so sad and angry. If only your mother had listened to me for once. If only she had done what I had asked her...I miss her so much, love. I need her so much." He lowered his gaze to the baby who was now looking at him "You miss her too, don't you?"
Teddy cooed, putting his hand on Remus' cheek, his big brown eyes staring straight at him.
"I won't leave you, don't worry." Remus promised sliding down, looking for a more comfortable position "Now sleep." he murmured kissing his hand before closing the eyes."We have to gain our strength back."