It's been over 3 weeks since she lost her brother, lost her family's core, lost her... No, she wouldn't think about it. This is her only period without that sad, broken reminder of everything she had lost. She will not spend it thinking about her.
Except she will. She thinks about her constantly. The first two weeks, raw rage burned a hole through her stomach until she could barely bring herself to stop moving. She ran, she trained, she ran some more. But slowly, that rage has dissipated in to every cell in her body, bringing with it a different end.
Her heart hurts. Constantly pounds and strains in her chest when she catches a glance of her. When she walks down the hallway just after her and smells her. When she hears her voice in class.
Her hands ache to reach out, grab her shoulder, spin her around and tell her how angry she is, how hurt, how confused, how lonely.
Her eyes burn. She wants to close them, to sleep, but she can't out of fear. If she sleeps too long, too deep, then her dreams will bring them together. She knows that. She can feel it, that severed wire blowing around the room with its electricity swinging free. She knows that the second she lets it, her connection to her will be renewed. It never went away, they just haven't let each other in.
Dammit. The bell just rang. She looks down at her notepad and sees the date in the top right corner and nothing else. She didn't catch one bit of that lesson. Failing grades, just what she needs. Her mom will have some choice words for her.
Sighing, she swipes everything in her backpack and slings it over her shoulder. Gym next. At least she can run, keep her back to her the whole time.
They seem to end up at opposite ends of the changing room these days, at least there's that. She doesn't need to be reminded of her body. Of the ways she's seen her, felt her, before.
She gets in to the changing room, goes straight to the back corner and quickly changes. She's the first one out in front of the coach, ready for whatever activity today has in store.
The whole class slowly starts filtering in, and before she knows it, she's running drills. It's amazing. She's running as fast as she can, her chest heaving, thighs burning. She doesn't hear anything but the whistle. She doesn't have to talk to anyone, or accidentally look at her.
And then suddenly, there's some commotion. She hears gasps, then the coach shouting at everyone to get out the way. Ben is crouching down, surrounded by a half dozen of their classmates.
At first, she thinks Ben must have rolled an ankle, but then she notices the sneakers and pale legs spread out on the gym floor. There's a massive lump in her throat before she can think it away.
Why is she on the floor? Ben is holding her up and she's sagged in to him. Her knee is scuffed and bleeding. She can't see her face due to the small crowd.
Then, the coach is telling everyone to get back to drills. And for Ben to take her to the nurse. It's then she sees Ben have to pretty much haul her to her feet. He has her arm around his shoulders and he's definitely taking most of her weight. Not that it's a struggle, she's tiny.
Calliope hasn't moved a millimetre. She knows some of her classmates are whispering about her. She doesn't care. Trying to swallow around the ever present lump in her throat she runs. She runs until the coach blows the whistle three times and asks if she has a hearing problem.
The rest of the day, she doesn't see her anywhere. Not in English, not in the cafeteria. Somehow, not seeing her is worse than having spent the last three weeks pretending she doesn't exist.
She trudges home, she doesn't feel like running today. Instead she walks with no purpose, slowly meandering home. She knows that no one will be home. Or at least, no one will make it known they are home. Her Dad will be out hunting, her mom or Apollo could be out, or holed up in their rooms. There haven't been many Burns family evenings these past few weeks.
As she turns on to their street, she sees all the cars are gone. Empty house it is. She steps on to the grass, intending to take the most direct route to the front door. As she looks up, she sees herself, holding that God forsaken silver spear. And her... Juliette, taking a step in to the tip. Feeling it find purchase on her chest made her want to gag.
She knows everything Juliette said that night, and every vitriolic thing she said. She's replayed it all on a loop since that night, along with their entire, short relationship. But she hasn't let herself think about the sorrow in Juliette's eyes. The sound of her cries. The deep regret and pain in every movement she made. Most of all, she hasn't let herself think about Juliette climbing in her car and driving away.
She was so ready to let Calliope extract whatever revenge she wished. To stake her to the grass and leave her for the townspeople.
Why didn't she fight back? Why didn't she argue for herself? Why just accept all the responsibility for something that wasn't her fault? She didn't kill Theo. She didn't even mean to turn him. She didn't send sleazy Guild members to hurt her. She didn't do anything except ask a girl she liked to go to a party with her.
Calliope took a staggered step back and held her hand over her heart.
Shit.
All this blame she had piled on Juliette didn't belong with her. Her parents, her brothers, the Guild, the Fairmont's, Elinor, but not Juliette.
Raising a hand to her face she realises it's wet. She's crying. Yeah, this seemed overdue. She'd been angry, aggressive, exhausted but she hadn't done much crying these last few weeks.
Trudging up to the front door, she unlocked it then went straight to her bedroom.
She felt like she could barely keep herself upright, the weight of the world pushing down on her. Collapsing on to her bed, fully clothed but shoes off, she brought a blue sweater to nose and squeezed her arms around it.
Juliette left it a few days before...
It smells like her still.
But, just because she doesn't think everything is Juliette's fault, doesn't mean that she didn't fuck up.
She bit her (without consent), has killed, IS a vampire. A legacy vampire. She's the very thing Calliope was raised to fear and eradicate. Her family are powerful and dangerous.
They can never be.
This isn't Romeo and Juliet.
This is sworn enemies who blurred the lines and made both of their communities pay the price.
They were over.
_-_-_-
On the walk to school the next day, she wasn't sure if she was happy to be out of the anger stage of her grief. She felt like sadness was compounding down on her, making her feet almost impossible to lift off the ground as she walked.
She had English first today. Great. She can sit and scowl and stare at the back of Juliette's head. Perfect start to a long, painful day.
She gets to class a couple of minutes before the bell, she's worried she's cutting it too fine and she'll have to walk passed an already seated Juliette but when she turns in to the room, there's no Juliette.
She hates the pang of disappointment that hits her but is relieved she can settle in with no fear of meeting eyes.
She starts doodling on her notepad, and when the bell rings and the door closes, she casts her eyes up, surprised to see the seat still empty.
Juliette late? For school? She'd never imagine that could happen. Juliette was a people pleaser, a good kid. She'd never be late if she could help it.
She spends the period imaging scenarios where Juliette has been shipped off to legacy boot camp by Margot.
The rest of the day passes mostly the same. No Juliette. Lots of worrying. Lots of thinking.
On her way to her locker before she headed home, she saw Ben ahead of her. Before she could over think it, she jogged up to him.
"Ben!"
Ben spun round, looked her up and down with as much attitude as he could muster, "yes?"
She sighed. This was fair, he was Juliette's best friend and she was the bitch who broke up with her.
"Why isn't Juliette in today?"
Ben rolled his eyes. "And why is that any of your business? You want to hold a SPEAR to her again! Maybe tell her she's a monster again just to really destroy her?"
She swallowed hard. So he knew how everything went down on her front lawn.
"I just wouldn't expect her to skip. I just wanted to know she was ok. That she'll be back."
She didn't mean to give so much away but Ben had her rattled.
Ben crossed his arms and shrugged. "She's not feeling well. No surprise the way she bit it yesterday in Gym. Just a bug, don't worry, you'll be able to rip her heart out again next week."
Calliope frowned. "Sick? A legacy vampire? They don't get sick, Ben." She stepped closer to him. "What happened yesterday? How did she fall?"
Ben seemed to have run out of snark. "She didn't fall, she fainted." He shrugged, "cause she's sick."
"Ben. No illness can touch them. They don't just faint cause they do some drills in Gym class. She wouldn't even be out of breath."
Ben looked genuinely confused. "Well, maybe it's a new thing. Or they just didn't want your kind to know."
Calliope shook her head. "Yeah, ok. Thanks so much." With that she turned her back and went to her locker.
Maybe Juliette was just embarrassed. Or she just needed a break. Everything had happened and imploded so fast. Then they just went back to pretending to be teenagers. Maybe she just needed a day to herself.
It didn't matter what she thought now. She was going to spend the rest of the night over thinking it while running herself to exhaustion.
-_-_-_
The next day comes and she finds herself in a groundhog day like scenario. No Jules. No real information on why she was absent. No one really seemed to notice, in fact.
Calliope felt her heart break at that thought. Jules had Ben, but they had been through a tough few weeks too. She didn't really seem close to anyone else. Except her sister, who she'd sent to prison in revenge. She wondered how things were at home with the Atwood - Fairmont's. She considered for the first time since that night on her lawn that Jules might be suffering from all sides. If her parents, her clan, her people were angry at her, or worse, punishing her.
She had flashes of Juliette chained up in silver in the basement of the Fairmont mansion. Margot teaching her a lesson.
Or her sweet Juliette, ran through with a spear and left prone and unprotected as guild members surrounded her.
Her mind was racing, she stood up and pushed her chair back with her legs, the noise snapping her back to the classroom.
"Sorry, uh, may I go to the bathroom?"
The whole class was staring at her like she was crazy. Maybe she was.
The teacher placed the hall pass on his desk, eyed her suspiciously then got back to his lesson. She wasn't even sure what subject she was in. Her whole body felt like it was full of static, like her cells could just combust and be blown away on the wind.
She headed straight for sinks and let the cold tap run before splashing her face. What the fuck was going on? She hated Juliette for what she'd done just a few days before. Why was she suddenly so worried? She needed to pull it together, get back to class and be a good student.
Dabbing her face, she took three deep breaths and went back to class.
-_-_-_
Friday night and she was in bed at 8pm. Really making the most of these teenage years.
Dinner had been just as tense as it had the last 3 weeks, but no one raised their voice, or threw their plate. And she managed to eat a somewhere near normal amount. But now, lying on her bed staring at the ceiling, it felt like a brick in her stomach.
She hated the sadness that has descended as her rage has quelled. She hasn't trained since before school. She has no energy to even think about going for a run or sparring in the basement.
For the first time, it feels like everything is lost. She's sure that no one has gained, or will gain, anything from the fighting, planning and revenge that these last few weeks brought upon both their houses.
Sighing she turns her head and lifts Juliette's sweater in to her arms again. She folds it out over her torso, almost feeling a smile tug at her lips when she extends the arms and sees how short they are.
Juliette; so small, yet so resolute. She stood up for what she believed in, no matter how big the enemy. She was faithful, and loyal and so, so good.
Calliope tried to swallow back the lump in her throat but tears were already leaking down the side of her face.
Rolling on to her side, she let the feeling of loss and sadness cocoon her, crying into her pillow until at some point she must have fallen asleep.
She woke up the next morning, mouth dry, eyes a little tender and Juliette's sweater still pulled to her chest. The sun was shining, the air was sticky, yep, just another day in Savannah.
Taking stock, she tried to think what today's schedule was. Then realised it was Saturday. That meant no schedule. Her Dad left after dinner for a solo mission. Not his first these last few weeks. He seemed determined to double down with the guild. Apollo had his clients, their parents insisting he remain 'normal' to prying eyes. And her mom, well, she just seemed to not be around sometimes. Who knows if she'd be downstairs or not.
As Calliope hit the bathroom to shower, she realised she hadn't dreamed last night. Not one memory or a dream, or nightmare. Not one moment of accidental connection between her and Juliette.
She tried not to acknowledge it, but they were linked just as they've always been. Both have consciously (or not) shut down the tether between them these last few weeks but there have been some slips.
Freshly showered she headed back to her room and sat down. She needed to know, for even a millisecond that Juliette was ok. Their connection wasn't something she knew how to control, but she thought that with some effort, it would be worth the try.
Sitting at the foot of her bed on the floor, she crossed her legs and took some steady breaths. She would treat it like meditation, reach out, see what happened.
Running through some focussing exercises, she felt herself relax. She thought of Jules, her smile, her scent, the feel of her lips against her own. She thought about how she feels so comfortable, at ease, with Juliette. There was a serenity to it.
And then, she felt something slam in to her. Her gut hurt, her teeth ached, her heart felt like it was in a vice and then just as quickly it was all gone and she was gasping on the bedroom floor.
No. Nothing was right, all those worries were valid. Something was really wrong.
Grabbing sneakers, she hastily threw them on and started running. Clearly no one was home at the Burns residence. No need to explain herself or slow down she was running down the lawn and out on to the street. Her feet pounded the concrete as she ran at full speed all the way to the Fairmont mansion.
She knew they had guards at times, knew that Mr and Mrs Fairmont could be home. That any variety of threats could be waiting inside. So, she used her training as best she could while still moving fast in broad daylight.
She made her way to the front door, she'd seen no one. Juliette's car was in front of the garage doors, still graffitied.
Faced with a front door, she wasn't sure what else to do, so she rang the doorbell. No better way to know who was home, she tells herself.
Only no one answers. She hears nothing from inside.
With a sweaty and shaking palm, she grips the door handle, twists and pushes. It's unlocked. The door just gently swings open.
Shit. She hadn't really been prepared for an eerie, empty house. Maybe empty house.
"Jules?" It doesn't come out loud or confident.
She slowly steps foot inside, closing the door behind her. She knows never to leave her back exposed. Senses on high alert, she starts her way upstairs. She just needs to go to Juliette's room, make sure she's there and then she can get the hell out of this place.
As she approaches Juliette's door, the unease in the pit of her stomach grows. Something isn't right, the whole place is silent.
She swings open the door and sees Juliette in bed, asleep. She can't help the breath that comes rushing out of her in relief. It's fine, all just her imagination.
She decides since she's here, she could take a closer look. See her sleeping face and commit it to memory once more.
As she gets closer, she sees the way Juliette is breathing. Hard, slow, laboured. Maybe she's dreaming.
But then she gets close enough to see how pale she is. Not pale, sickly. There's a sheen of sweat and a blue hue to her skin. There are tracks of dried blood down the side of her face disappearing in to her hair. Blood tears?
"Jules?" Once again, she doesn't recognize how shaky her own voice sounds.
She's next to the bed now and her hands reach out, gripping the smaller girls shoulders. She shakes her, gently at first but then harder and harder. "Jules. Juliette, wake up! Hey, come on, Jules!"
Nothing.
She placed her hand on Juliette's forehead. Stone cold. She didn't know if that was good or bad. Juliette was always cool to the touch.
She could feel herself building towards panic.
She quickly swiped her eyes over Juliette's body. No blood, no wounds, no sign of anything strange.
She gently traced over the vampire's eyebrow and down her cheek before gently peeling back her left eyelid. It was almost stuck to her eyeball, the sensation making Cal's breath hitch.
Jules wasn't responding but she wasn't sure if she was asleep, hibernating? Some other crazy vampire thing she didn't know about? But her eyes were practically rolled back in to her head. It all looked terrifyingly human. Jules looked human, frail.
"Jules!" She was slapping her cheek now. Maybe if she could just snap her out of it.
"Juliette look at me!" She was shouting now. She knew she was panicking.
Juliette's eyes flickered. Cal held her breath again. She struggled to crack an eyelid open, eventually managing it just a crack.
"Hey, hey, can you hear me?" Cal had sat herself on the edge of the bed now, hands cradling Juliette's head.
No, she wasn't sure she could. Her eyes were unfocussed, staring at nothing.
"Jules?" Pause. "Baby, look at me."
Juliette's blue eyes slowly tracked to hers. She couldn't help but smile at her, trying to comfort her.
"Hey, hey, that's good. Can you tell me what's wrong?"
Jules seemed to be huffing breaths at an evening slower pace.
"Sor-" she couldn't even get the word out.
"Sh, sh, not now, ok? It doesn't matter now. Let me help you first, ok?"
Juliette's focus is lost again as she labours against unconsciousness.
Calliope slides her hands from Juliette's cheeks to the back of her head, rising her up slightly, "hey, hey, Jules, come on. I'm scared ok. Stay with me." She pleads.
Juliette seems to look directly into her soul next. "Love. You."
And she freezes. Staring into the eyes of the only girl she has ever loved and terrified that this is the last time.
Then, a sheen of red falls over her vision again, and she can't hear anything but her own heart beat in her ears.
Her stomach is folding over on itself, feels like it's twisted up. It's agony. Her heart still feels clenched in an iron grip. Her teeth burn, her eyes burn, it feels like there's fire licking at the inside of her skull.
She's thirsty. Starving even.
With a gasp of air the red sheen dissipates and she's staring in to Juliette's closed eyes.
"No, no, no." This time she's talking to herself.
This idiot, this absolute selfish, stupid, idiot is about to die on her and she is not letting that happen.
Taking her wrist she presses it to Juliette's lips. "Juliette, drink." She's trying to press it in and up to trigger the other girl's fangs. "hey, come on, bite me!"
This isn't working. She's too far gone to unsheathe her fangs and bite Calliope.
Springing off of the bed she runs to Juliette's desk, shoving useless items out of her way until she sees the whitest item she could imagine - a letter opener.
What teenaged girl, legacy vampire or not, has a letter opener in their room?
Resigning this topic to a later date she sprints back to the bed, sliding her arm under Juliette's shoulders and pulling her up and back while slotting herself against the headboard. With the unconscious girl in-between her legs, head lolling on her chest, she tries not to think of how limp, or light, Juliette is right now.
She grabs the letter opener and runs it across her wrist, careful not to cut too deep then presses her wound to Juliette's mouth. There's blood all over her lips but she's still not moving. No teeth, no sucking. Cal feels her heart rattling off her rib cage. This can't be how they end.
"Juliette Atwood-Fairmont, DRINK!" She channels her mother and demands the vampire do as she says.
And it works.
She feels the graze of cold lips against her skin as Juliette seems to swallow the blood that has dripped in to her mouth. And then there's her tongue lapping at the wound, before her teeth sink into the tender flesh around it.
She bites back a hiss. She won't risk spooking Juliette. She needs to feed. Cal lets her drink until she feels lightheaded. Then dizzy. Then she waits a few seconds more wanting to give as much as she can without risking her own life.
"Jules." She says calmly.
Juliette springs off of her wrist, releasing the hold on her arm. Calliope feels her try to push up and away from her, so she pins her even closer to her body and wrapped her wounded arm around Jules as well.
It seems that despite feeding, Jules is nowhere near normal strength, so it's not difficult to keep her pinned against her front.
"No, please. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry." Juliette's voice is hoarse, a sound she's never heard from the other girl before. It's clear she's distraught, still struggling in her arms.
Cal lowers her mouth close to Juliette's ear. "Shh, it's ok. You're ok now. Just relax. Take a moment."
Juliette practically folds in half, Calliope's arms holding her upright and nothing else. She's weeping, absolutely dissolving in her arms. Cal tightens her grip and tries to envelope her best she can. She's whispering comforting noises as calmly as possible and when the gut-wrenching sobs become more of a hiccupping cry, Cal loosens her grip only enough to peer around the other girls face.
She can see the track marks of tears, her hair is stuck to her face in all directions. She's still pale but not as deathly looking.
"Can you lie down? This isn't comfy."
"Go."
There's a lack of emotion in Juliette's voice that causes genuine fear to pass over Calliope for a second. "Lie down. We need to rest, I can't do that while I'm pinning you like this."
Juliette makes small moves to flop on to the empty side of bed. As Cal's arms release her, she feels the cold air surround her. "Please go. You shouldn't be here. You shouldn't have fed me."
Juliette is facing away from her, speaking to the wall ahead.
"I have so many words for you. But later. Until then, you will sleep, you will feed, and I will be here the whole time." She regulated her tone, moving from stern to heartsick. "I won't let you just fade out on me."
Jules pulled her hands up over her head, essentially blocking her whole face. Cal slid down from her seated position leaning against the headboard to lying properly. She slipped on hand on Juliette's waist and waited. No resistant, no attempt to push her away. Only the silent shaking of her body as she sobbed in to her own arms.
Calliope ached to take this all away but it wouldn't be that easy. She pulled herself closer locking in to position as the big spoon and held the smaller girl until the sobs subsided and her muscles went slack, then followed her in to sleep. Losing that much blood, all the emotional bullshit, she'd earned a nap.
-_-_-
She's feels pins and needles in her hand, creeping up her arm.
She thinks it's really bright, her alarm must be about to go off.
Taking a deep breath, her senses are invaded by Juliette. All coconut husk, earth and a floral sweetness she's never been able to pinpoint.
She thinks she much have lost track of time, then she remembers. There is no her and Juliette anymore. There was almost no more Juliette.
She peels open any eyelid and sees they've shifted but the smaller girl is still in her arms. She can't help the breath of relief that escapes her.
Juliette is facing her, hands folded around herself. Calliope has one arm under her head and the other still around her waist.
She thinks back to their first night alone. The school play set. That bed felt like it was crafted just for them. They'd fallen asleep facing each other, hands curled under themselves to avoid accidentally crossing the line.
She woke up so much earlier than Jules, spent every second watching her, mapping her features, the way her frow burrowed throughout her dreams, until she seemed to be stirring. Then Calliope managed to fake sleep before she was caught.
This isn't the same. Too much has happened, too much has passed. Her Jules is suffering. A stranger could see there was a toll on her face. They hadn't spoken in almost 4 weeks. And their words - Cal's last words - were atrocious.
She called Juliette, the sweetest person she'd ever met, a monster. And she'd meant it. And of course, Juliette believed it. She'd believe anything people she loved told her.
Her hand travelled from Juliette's waist to her hairline. She traced the girls profile, running her thumb over the sunken dark skin under Juliette's eye. She'd fucked up so badly.
She heard the most miniscule groan come from Juliette's throat. Then, she was furrowing her brow before her eyes slowly opened.
"Hey. How do you feel?"
Juliette was silent, frozen. Cal hadn't stopped stroking her thumb across Juliette's eyebrow.
"You smell like her."
Cal's turn to furrow her brow. "Who?"
"You." She'd closed her eyes again like it was too much effort to keep them open. " I thought I'd stopped this. I don't deserve to see you."
"Jules, I need you to know I'm really here. This isn't a dream or anything else. I came here because you were hurting yourself, and I felt it."
Juliette had opened her eyes again but she hadn't looked up, no chance of eye contact. Cal could see her breathing getting faster.
"Jules, it's ok. I'm here. We are going to talk about everything. You don't have to be scared." She kept her tone steady, hoping to not spook Jules.
"Talk? Then what? You walk away? You leave or you try to kill me?" Her voice is soft, still stuck in the small word they've created on her bed. It seemed sacrilege to fully break that spell.
Cal sighed. This wasn't going to be easy. All the pep talks in her head were no preparation.
"I'm here to... To make sure you're ok. To apologize. What I said that night -" she had to swallow roughly and try to ground her emotions. "I shouldn't have taken it all out on you. And I never should have called you what I did. You are so full of goodness and empathy. I just got so lost in my anger."
Juliette still had her eyes pinned to the duvet covers. But it was clear she was struggling to hold back her tears.
Calliope let her hand trail down Juliette's neck, across her shoulder and down her arm until she could envelope the other girls hand in her own. She gripped on for dear life.
"Look at me?" Feeling Juliette's eyes land on her and she feels her breath catch. She's so heartbroken and Cal is the one who done it to her.
"I'm so sorry. For what I said, none of it was true. You are so kind; all you've done is love me and try to protect me. And I'm sorry for what I did. Holding a weapon to you." She shakes her head. "It was unforgivable. And I'm sorry it's taken me so long to come to you and tell you all of this. I fucked up so badly. If you don't want to see me ever again, I'd really understand. But for right now, I'm yours and I'm here to earn that."
Juliette had lost the battle to hold her tears as they streamed down her face. "You're back? This isn't a dream?"
Cal leaned forward and placed a kiss on the other girls knuckles that were cradled in her own.
"I am and it's not." She shuffled closer to Juliette on the bed. "Have you been dreaming a lot?"
Juliette gives the slightest share of her head. "No. I haven't been sleeping much."
"Mm hmm. And you haven't been eating, huh?"
Cal feels her recoil slightly at that question.
"No."
"Where are your parents? Oliver? Who's been with you the last few weeks?" She asks trying to diffuse the blood talk.
Juliette shakes her head, "no one's been around." Cal wants to push but it's clear it'll cause more upset.
She has to take a second to not spiral. Jules has been alone with her first heartbreak. Given their circumstances, it's first heartbreak x100. No one has been making sure she's ok, making sure she's able to get out of bed, feed, live.
"I'm sorry I didn't know sooner. I don't know why the connection only kicked back in last night."
She watches Juliette visibly pale - quite the feat.
"I couldn't even do that right."
Calliope frowned, "what?"
Juliette refuses to meet her eyes again, staring at her hands still wrapped in Cal's.
"The connection. I shut it down that night, after the lawn. You didn't want me, I didn't want you to still have to feel me."
Cal feels here chest tighten as she reangles her neck. "Jules... What did you do?"
"The- our link. I can control it, I think."
"In what way? I thought it had broken when we..." She doesn't know what to call it. It wasn't a break up, or an argument. It was so much more than either of those things.
Juliette's eyes fill with tears again but none fall. "I closed it off from me to you. I didn't want you to feel - all the things I felt. It wouldn't have helped."
"And from me to you?" She asks, already knowing the answer.
Juliette just shakes her head, the tears welling in her eyes finally spilling over.
Juliette felt everything. Her anger, her fear, her sadness, all of the emotional fallout of the single worst 3 weeks of her life.
Her voice was thick with emotion. "I couldn't even do that right. You shouldn't have known. I must have dropped the blocker last night. I didn't mean to. I don't want your pity or obligation." She said as her own frustration manifested. She told herself she wouldn't burden Cal with the emotional link between them to win her back.
Cal gripped Juliette's hands tighter.
"You had no right to take that from me, Jules." Her tone was scolding but soft. Once again, her Juliette was trying to protect her. "That link belongs to us both. You shouldn't have had to suffer it alone. I don't know what it is, but I do know it's special. We're special. And I had the right to feel every ounce of hurt I'd inflicted on you."
She palms the vampire's cheek and tilts her gaze to meet her own. "Do you understand? " An almost imperceptible nod. "You have to fill me in the hard way. I want to know what's been going on. But first, I need you to eat. You aren't anywhere near healthy again."
Juliette pings in to a seated position on the opposite end of the bed before Cal can even feel the mattress shake. "No. No. I don't want to bite you. I'm just some parasite, feeding from humans. I will not let you feed me now I have a say."
Calliope slowly sits up but holds her hands up in surrender. "Whoa. I said you have to eat. Not that you have to drink from me." She lowers her arms and stands, "you guys have supplies somewhere?"
Juliette looks ashamed but nods.
"Are you going to tell me where or do I have a free pass to raid the cupboards?" She sends a grin to Juliette. "I know you guys must have some fancy ass non-perishables somewhere in that kitchen for pretence, I'm happy to investigate."
Jules doesn't smile back but the air seems to loosen, no longer quite as serious.
"You keep your hands off the fancy chips, they are mine." She sighs. "The fridge is stocked."
Cal nods, "ok, I'm going to get us supplies. Why don't you head to the bathroom and get cleaned up."
Jules nods. But doesn't get up and go anywhere.
"Jules, it's ok to say what's on your mind." Cal doesn't know why but she feels like she needs to give Juliette permission to feel in front of her, to ask for what she needs, express her upset, whatever it is.
Juliette runs her hands over her face and sighs. "I still don't really know why your here or what it means. Everything hurts. But I'm scared." She cuts herself off requiring some deep breaths. "Scared that you'll leave this room and this will be a dream, or a hallucination, or you've just decided that you've done enough and leave."
Cal walks around the bed until she's Infront of the brunette. She kneels down and lays her hands in front of her, palms up, giving Juliette the choice. It breaks her heart at how quickly the vampire places her hands in Cal's. Always so quick to give.
"I am here. This is real. And I am not leaving. You wanna come downstairs with me? I'll even carry you?" She lifts an eyebrow up, almost dating Juliette to take her up on it.
She lets out a tiny chuckle despite herself. "No. I believe you. You won't have enough hands to carry me and food." She finally looks Cal in the eye. "Meet back here?"
"Absolutely" she stands, still with Juliette's hands in hers and helps her off the bed. She's glad, as it's pretty obvious that Juliette's legs almost gave out. She's worried but she knows they are headed in the right direction. She doesn't drop Juliette's hand but wraps the other around her waist for added support. She drops her at the bathroom and leaves her be.
Her trip downstairs will be quick. She's still in high alert, it's strange wandering around the Fairmont house. Opening the fridge she sees it's fully stocked with glass bottles of blood. It's clear that Juliette had chosen to harm herself rather than just avoided feeding on someone. She shakes her head, grabs a couple of bottles and rakes through the cupboards, coming up with crackers and seaweed crisps. It would do.
With her arms full of bounty, she heads back to the bedroom, seeing Juliette hasn't returned yet. Placing everything on the table, she heads back to the bathroom.
"You ok, Jules?" She shouts to the closed door.
"Yeah."
The response was way too immediate. She could hear a shake in Juliette's voice.
"Can I come in?" She already has her hand on the door handle.
A pause this time. "Ok."
She opens the door and sees Juliette sitting on the closed toilet. There's a cloth by the sink and her toothbrush is on the side.
Juliette seems to be a little out of breath.
" You still shaky?" She asks as she kneels down to meet the vampire's eyes. All she does is nod, embarrassment clear on her face.
"Can I help you back to bed? We can get you some dinner. It'll make you feel better."
Juliette is crying, hand over her face, instantly. "I'm disgusting. A monster. Why are you helping? If you'd just let me go..." She trails off.
She knows her words would fall on deaf ears but she also knew she wouldn't be able to speak if she tried. She had done this to Juliette. She was the fucking monster.
She leaned forward from where she was kneeling and wrapped her arms around the fragile girl in front of her. She tried her best to completely envelope her. She wanted her to feel how sorry she was, how much she cared. She wanted Juliette to know she loved her.
She squeezed her tightly and pulled her in as close as she could. Not the best place to try and comfort your distraught, kind of ex-girlfriend.
Juliette cried and when it seemed like she was getting more upset rather than calming down, Calliope decided this wasn't the place for a full scale meltdown. She shifted her weight slightly and then with minimal disruption, lifted Juliette off the toilet seat and held her bridal style.
Walking down the hallway, back to Juliette's bedroom, she felt the smaller girls fists tightly wrapping in to her shirt. Her face was tightly tucked into her neck. She noted that she had zero concern, even when Juliette was clearly still starving.
As she stood in front of the bed, she knew she should put her down, but she didn't want to. She didn't want a second where Juliette wasn't in her arms. The vampire's mournful cries seemed to have ran out of steam, hiccups and the odd sniffle being all that remained.
She tilted her head down and laid a series of small kisses over Juliette's head and the side of her face. "I love you."
She felt Juliette tense slightly.
"It's ok, don't say anything back. But I love you. I made the biggest mistake of my life blaming you, lashing out at you. I love you. You and I are connected. That's special. You are so special." She laid another kiss against Juliette's temple.
"Let me love you, ok?"
She felt a tiny nod. Saw a tired, red eye, slowly find her own.
"Let's get comfy." She says as she sits Jules near the top of the bed. "Don't move." She instructs. The vampire doesn't move, she does wipe her face and blow her nose, but she stays put.
Calliope grabs a discarded blanket from the foot of the bed, throwing it over her shoulder, and grab the bottles and snacks before heading back to Juliette. She slotted herself in behind Juliette, and pulled her back against her front. Swinging the blanket over the them both, she made a show of tucking it tightly around Juliette, who so far seemed to be comfortable with the affection.
Then, she took some seaweed crisps and opened the pack, offering one to Juliette, who politely shook her head before shoving a whole strip in her mouth. She was starving, lack of food and blood loss making itself known, however her only goal was to get Juliette to eat.
She lifted one of the bottles, passing it to Juliette. She saw her pause but then she took the offered bottle.
Calliope kept shoving her snack in her face hoping Juliette would pop the top and finally drink but no such luck.
"Drink, Jules. It'll help."
Another long moment of silence.
"Cal, don't you find it disgusting?"
Her answer was instant. "No, Jules. It's food. Feeding isn't an issue, you will always do it ethically." She seeks out Juliette's free hand. "I kind of liked when you bit me. In the pantry. I don't think it's disgusting."
She was shocked at her own honesty. She didn't think she'd tell Juliette that the idea of her biting her, feeding from her, was one she liked.
Juliette seemed to sit with that for a moment before she popped the lock top and brought the bottle to her mouth. What started as a sip quickly become the tiny girl in front of her chugging the full bottle in seconds.
"Whoa, girl! Slow down! You are not burping on me all night!" She grinned
Jules let out a slight giggle and she thought she'd never heard a prettier sound.
"All night? Are you propositioning me?"
She was such a dork. Cal laughed with a shake of her head. "Like you don't want a snuggle buddy for the evening."
Juliette just nodded, her banter having fallen away.
Calliope decided to keep the momentum going. "how do you feel? Better right?"
"Yeah."
She held up the other bottle, "well, drink up, beautiful."
Juliette stared at the bottle before taking it.
"How can you stay the night? Won't your parents notice?"
Cal sighs. "No. Things are... Weird at home. No one will know."
Juliette lets her hand drift across Cal's arm and squeezes her hand. Cal squeezes back, a silent confirmation that they don't have to talk about it further. Not just now.
"Drink up, you need sleep, we need sleep." She said, holding back a yawn. It's been such an exhaustive month.
"You haven't been sleeping." Jules takes a sip of blood. Cal isn't sure if it's a question of a statement, so she doesn't respond.
"You haven't been looking after yourself either." Another sip.
"I've been running. Literally and not. I didn't know how to process any of it, so I think I mostly didn't." She said honestly.
She knows now that if Juliette still had the open connection to her, then she's aware of what Cal had been doing. How she's felt, how she's worn herself out. No point in hiding it.
"I'm sorry."
"No, no more apologies. The fault doesn't sit with you." She interrupts. Juliette is playing with the bottle cap, fidgeting nervously.
"The link - you felt everything?" She asks, already sure of the answer.
Juliette nods, clearly trying to keep herself composed but teetering. "Your pain, you fear, your hurt, your grief."
Cal can't help but pull Juliette closer and lay a kiss on the back of her neck. "You had both of our pain to carry, alone. That's not how this is meant to work. Jules, you can't lock me out of it again, not ever. I felt like I'd lost my tether to world, like I was just going to float away in to the universe."
Juliette nods. Her breathing is uneven and Cal knows she's struggling but these things need to be said.
"You can't be the one, the martyr. I - I don't think I'd be able to..." She let out a shaky exhale. Being honest is so hard. "I don't ever want to live in a world without you in it. I don't think we're meant to be without each other."
Jules had placed the bottle down and wrapped both her arms around Calliope's. "I don't think I can be without you ever again. I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, couldn't think of anything but how I could fix things with you."
Cal decided to be brave, rather than shy away from asking the difficult questions. "Were you trying to kill yourself?"
"I-I don't know. I thought that if I could just take out the complication of you loving a monster, if I could take one monster out of the endless list the Guild wants you to terminate, that you could get away from them that bit sooner." She struggled to swallow around the goiter in her throat but Calliope let her take her time.
"It was all too hard. I just couldn't see a way to get back to how things should have been. I-I just wanted to take myself out of the game, to protect you from having to kill me yourself."
Calliope had a tight grip around Juliette, but she considered if she had to let go and bolt to the bathroom as her seaweed crisps rose back up her throat. Jesus, how did they get here? How did the girl she love almost kill herself over her? What kind of monster was she to let that happen?
"Please stop blaming yourself. I feel it, your disgust."
Cal broke out of her silent spiral, "no. I, uh-" she had to let out a shaky exhale to try and centre herself. It didn't work as a sob broke past her lips next. She felt Juliet try and turn, knowing she would try to comfort her, so she kept their current hold tighter. She couldn't take Juliet, her beautiful, gentle soul, comforting her right now.
"Sorry. Just need a minute." She rushed out. Jules nodded as she gently stroked up and down her forearm.
Cal closed her eyes tightly, taking some controlled breaths she tried to ground herself. The scent of Juliette surrounding her, the feel of her love pressed against her, all helping.
After a few moments, she exhales once more and opens her eyes. "Thank you for being honest with me."
Juliette just shrugs shyly.
"I don't really know how to deal with the idea that I could be so cruel, so malicious and cause you so much pain. I feel like we're tied, connected in a way that's destined, but I don't think I deserve you. I think you deserve better than my - my hatred." God, is this what therapy was like? She hated this, having to fess up to all the pain and hurt both felt and caused.
"Do you hate me?" Came Juliette's gentle voice.
"No!" She shot out. "No. But I know that 16 years of education on how vampires are evil must be manifesting in my behaviour."
"We aren't taught to hate Hunters. Just to be wary of them, to blend in to the community and not draw attention." She throws a little smile back over her shoulder while she continues to play with Cal's hand against her stomach. "I don't think I've done a very good job of that."
Cal can't help the little chuckle that follows her words. How does Juliette disarm her like this?
"I don't think either of us is doing a great job at following the path our parents have expected for us. I think we were destined not to. Together."
There is that word again - destined. As much as she had tried not to think about Jules, about their relationship and all of the weirdness around their connection, she had. She had considered at great length what it could mean to share this tether to another being - to walk in dreams, to manifest Eden. She knew this meant their relationship wasn't just teens in love. It was meant to be, preordained by some higher power.
Juliette brought her hand to her lips and kissed her palm before resting it against her heart.
"Can I tell you what the connection tells me?" She asks, voice still gentle and calming.
"Please" she breathes out.
"Well, I feel how scared- no, wrong word, conflicted you are. I know it's about our love - what it means. I also know how excited you feel about it. Like, not feel but yeah, feel."
She knew that made no sense but also knew exactly what Juliette meant. "Yeah, exactly."
"I think that when we acknowledge it, let the connection fully be, then it's like its own language. Another way for us to communicate and express our love."
Calliope realises now that her eyes are wet again, but for the first time in so long, not from sorrow.
"Wait - our love?" Ugh, why has she no chill?
Juliette goes still in her arms. Shit, did she just cross the line.
"Mm hmm. Our love. I think it's pretty obvious it exists, for us both, inside of us and out with."
Cal closed her eyes and rubs her face down Juliette's neck, before inhaling. " I think you are so smart. So good. I don't think anyone else on this planet could walk through this with such grace."
Juliette let out a jarring laugh, not one of joy but of sarcasm. " I am definitely not. All I've done is fuck up. Let you down, let my family down, create such a mess. But the connection is the only sure thing that's lasted these last couple of months." She swallows roughly. "I don't think that living without it is in an option. I think that once you have this, you can't ever go back. It's a burden and a gift."
And somehow they'd circled right back to despair. She was shocked at how blunt her response was. "Connection or death."
Juliette simply nodded against her chest.
"Wow" she exhaled. It's hard not to be overwhelmed by the gravity of the conversation. Not to mention of the emotions that have been swirling around them all month.
"Let's sleep. This can wait until we have clearer heads." Juliette nodded and squeezed her hands in agreement. They could rest now, destiny could wait til tomorrow.